Tag Archives: Psychosis

How To Not Date A Narcissist

So many sites I’ve visited about narcissists give a list of characteristics that by the time you pick up on them you are in too deep; he has you hooked already.

Prior to getting involved with JC I had what would be considered a stereotypical view of what a narcissist was like. I think many people have the same views I did; that a narcissist is some guy who is full of himself in obvious ways, such as; he is vain and always looking in a mirror, primping his hair etc, talks about himself incessantly, a “lady killer” “lady’s man” what ever you want to call a guy that has women flocking around him, flexing, arrogant, but, all in all harmless enough.

Most people feel they could pick a narcissist out of a crowd no problem. What they envision is a cartoon character narcissist, staring into a mirror and falling in love with himself.

My first impression of JC was far from that; in fact the first 6 months were some of the best times of my life; I was in love and believed with all my heart that he felt the same if not more than I did. We just “clicked”.

At first meeting I thought that he was kinda preppy, university educated, that he had money but he wasn’t concerned with impressing people with it (he drove a BMW but was wearing runners that he had taped up the toe, he had on a crisp white shirt and faded ripped jeans). He seemed confident yet not arrogant in any way. He had a great sense of humor and laughed at something I said. He put me at ease right away and listened intently to what I had to say and asked me about myself. When he did offer up information about himself he seemed almost self conscious and down-played his accomplishments. He seemed humble, trusting, and almost naïve “in a boy from Saskatchewan kinda way”. I thought I had finally met “one of the good ones” and I was impressed. He introduced me to his friends from school and took me to his staff Christmas party, took me home to meet his mom within the first month. He was kind, even tempered, the guy never got angry about anything, we were able to discuss anything openly and I thought honestly. I didn’t see him angry for almost the full first year.

So what would have given him away? I am about to share that with you and here we go; each of these points by themselves would not be cause for alarm but if he has a majority of them I’d say cut your losses and run! Don’t look back.

1) The number one thing they all have in common and should be a HUGE red flag is the whirlwind romance. From the first date he is enamored with you and can’t get enough of you. With JC I actually told him to back off a bit, that he was going to scare me away because I liked my alone time. He called me at work several times a day, wanted to see me every night and I lived and worked an hour and 1/2 from him and had my son at home so I couldn’t but he would pressure me. Then if I said no he’d offer to meet me 1/2 way and take me for dinner. If I was at his place and he was going to the corner store he’d want me to come along; he wanted me along with him every where he went. He wrote me little love notes all the time, bought me flowers. I felt uncomfortable about it sometimes but I had walked away from nice guys before and wasn’t going to do that this time.

2) Wants sex early like the first or second date and won’t take no for an answer. You almost have to get angry for him to back off and he can’t seem to get enough sex. Again many guys want sex the first or second date, but on our 3rd date, I went to his place and he literally attacked me the minute I walked through the door. I laughed and said, “How about a glass of wine first?” He poured me a glass but I never got to drink it.

3) He thinks you are perfect and he loves you just the way you are. No one is perfect and if he puts you on a pedestal too early you’ve only got one way to go-….down…… hard.
It was early in our relationship maybe 6 months into it, we’d just started living together and I was overwhelmed. I was commuting 2 hours a day for work, he was unemployed and home all day because he had lost his license for 3 months due to an impaired charge.(Red flag) I would come home and the place would be a mess, dirty dishes, car parts in the sink, dirty clothes and I’d have to clean the kitchen before I could cook dinner. We had talked before I moved in about division of work and agreed if we were both working we would share the house keeping duties. Here he wasn’t working, spending all day on the computer, making a mess and I was coming home and doing it all. One night I started to cry and said that I couldn’t do it all. He took me to bed and held me stroking my hair and said, “Don’t be so hard on yourself, I love you just the way you are.”

I said, “That’s the problem, I can’t keep doing this, this isn’t me. I don’t want to do it all”

He just kept saying I was being too hard on myself and we ended up having sex and nothing got resolved.

He loved me if I was doing things his way. We would discuss issues as they came up and I would think we had resolved them but nothing would change.

4) He is too good to be true, his life is larger than life, he’s done more than any guy you know. He makes it sound like he carries the load at work, is top of his class in school, did everything in his last relationship and she did nothing but sit around eating bon bons and demanding more money. JC had a way of bragging where he seemed he was embarrassed to tell me things about himself that made it appear like he was being honest.

Remember too, pictures are not proof of anything. JC had pictures of all the cars he’d owned, all his semi trucks, places he’d travelled, his guitars, houses he’d owned, and he had diplomas for all the trades he said he had tickets in (he wasn’t ticketed in any trades). Diplomas can be downloaded off the internet, he even printed off a list of racing stats that had his name on it showing his racing stats from several years prior when he owned a race car (all fake), and pictures only prove he knows how to use a camera.
When we were getting to know each other he shared stuff about his past that I believed for the whole 10 yrs I knew him and didn’t find out the truth until after we split.

It is a special kinda hurt to know you never knew the person you loved and lived with for 10 yrs; they were a lie from start to finish.

5) He says he loves you within a week or two. Let’s be honest real love doesn’t happen in a matter of days, it takes months. JC was holding me after sex and got tears in his eyes, pulled my head down on his chest so I couldn’t see him “crying” and in a choked voice said, “I think I’m falling in love with you”. I was so touched, he had told me saying I love you wasn’t something he said easily and he cried. Awwwww one day I arrived at his place and he put a CD in and danced with me to a love song and he cried and said he loved me. I believed him and I actually believed he loved me more than I loved him.

In the past if a guy came on too strong or seemed to be totally “smitten” with me it usually turned me right off. I can remember with JC making the conscious decision to allow a man to love me and take care of me like he said he wanted to. I chose to allow myself to relax and enjoy the good thing I’d found. I think that could be part of the reason I am struggling so hard; I chose to love him and I was so wrong.

6) If he is broke and has nothing because he was taken advantage of by his last girlfriend/wife and all his ex’s are psycho bitches, RUN!! Think about it; either he has really bad taste in women, is a wimp who won’t stand up for himself or he turns women into psycho bitches; either way you don’t want him.

7) He expects you to be available and will pressure you to drop your plans to spend time with him at the last minute. ie: He asked me out on a Friday night, I went down to his place and spent the night. I was getting ready to leave Saturday and he was upset I was leaving. I told him I had plans and he talked me into changing my plans and staying. Another time we had plans and then his mother came to town and he said I had to go because he wanted to spend time with his mom. I understood and drove the 1 1/2 hrs home only to have him phone a couple of hours later and ask me to come back. I believe he was testing me to see if I would do it or not and how I would handle it. I did end up going back, but I spoke to him about it and told him I wasn’t impressed, he apologized and I thought I got my feelings heard. But it was just the start of him controlling me.

8) Pushes you to move in together within a few months but will try to make it seem like your idea. ie: he hates to have to leave you and go out of town to work but he can’t afford to live otherwise.

9) He doesn’t have any “history” you can verify; ie: he’s new to town, doesn’t have any long time friends, new job or just lost his job, family in another town. JC was new to the area and apparently when he breaks up with a girl he invariably leaves the immediate area, he was always starting new jobs. But when I met him he was just finishing up school in water/sewer technology.

10) Within a short time needs to borrow money that he will pay right back, his money is tied up, or its a deal that’s going to make you money, whatever the excuse; don’t lend any man money unless you’ve known him at least a year; make sure he can keep a job long enough to pay you back. At first he wines and dines you, money doesn’t seem to be a problem and next thing you know he’s asking to borrow a few bucks. He will pay you back right away; he’s building your trust for when he asks for the big bucks.
(JC asked me to borrow money several times in the first few months; once for a thousand to buy a car he could resell for twice that: I said no. Then he wanted money for his cell phone bill and I said no. He said it was that high from calling me and I said, “stop calling so much”. Money became the biggest issue between us; he always said I owed him money for something. It got to the point that if he wanted to give me something I had to ask, “Is this a gift or are you going to expect me to pay you for it later? Because if I have to pay for it I can’t afford it and don’t want it; if it is a gift then thank you very much”. ie: he talked me into buying a different car and then wanted to put his stereo and wheels and tires on my car. I refused, saying, “what if we break up and then you will want your stereo and wheels and tires back and then what will I do?”
His reply with a hurt expression on his face was, “Baby, we aren’t going to break up and if we did anything I give you is yours to keep.” I wish I would have listened to my gut and stuck to my initial instinct to say no; I heard about owing him for those wheels and tires for years until I finally sold the car to pay him for them and even then after I said, “Now, am I paid up?” And he said yes he found something else I owed him money for)

11) He is very protective of his privacy, guards his cell phone, hides the computer screen when you walk in, makes private phone calls in another room. I had no idea JC was seeing a woman when he met me; I found out 8 years later when he told me he would go down to his car and make sure she hadn’t left him any cards or letters on the windshield of his car. He had told me he wasn’t seeing any one. One time only about a month after we met we were leaving his place and he said he’d meet down at the car. I waited for a while and then went back to see what was taking him so long and overheard him on the phone say, “OK Babe, nightie night.” I said, “Babe?” (He had called me Babe since our 2nd date) he looked startled and said, “Did I say Babe? That was my sister, Geezz I call every one babe”.

Me: Everyone?

Him: Well it slips out sometimes but haven’t you noticed when I say it to you my voice changes?

If you make him wait a year before living together, or giving him money and if he keeps his job and doesn’t get in trouble with the law, and if you don’t catch him in a lie in a year I would say you can be pretty certain he isn’t a narcissist. There is no way a narcissist can keep the facade going for that long without some how slipping up. Beside he will have moved on to an easier target within a few months.

12) He makes it sound like he wants to be a better person because of you. He is going to change any of his short comings because you are so wonderful you motivate him to be a better person.

Don’t let him pressure you into doing anything your gut is telling you not to.

Keep your friendships, and listen to your friends if they feel uneasy about him for some reason. Friends have clear heads, yours is clouded by this all consuming love.

You must be strong; they are master manipulators and will try every trick in the book, including injuring themselves, spying on you, and trying to turn family and friends against you or you them.

JC didn’t start to exhibit the abusive behaviour until we were together at least 6 months and it didn’t get physical until about a year and 1/2 into the relationship. But believe me the emotional abusive, control and manipulation started on the first date.

I guarantee you will not be sorry or another one of his victims if you take it slow and easy. A truly healthy love takes time and an emotionally healthy man will give you and the relationship time to grow.

Here’s to narcissist free dating.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

Dear JC

I am writing this because I am wishing you well, I am letting go of the hurt, and I will no longer let you determine my value. I no longer care where you feel my faults are in the demise of our relationship.

I am not perfect and in any other relationship I would willingly take my share of the responsibility for it ending but I can not take blame for this one ending, only for it continuing far too long.

How did I contribute to it going on far too long? By listening to your lies and not listening to my gut that was telling me you were lying, and not believing what I saw with my own eyes. By forgiving you time after time and believing that if I changed this or that, if I worked harder, praised you more, was less sensitive, more patient, anticipated your every need, was sexier, was less needy, or less demanding you would love me back.

I allowed you to convince me that you loved me even though you talked to me like I was your worst enemy, treated me like dirt under your feet and didn’t give me the respect of accepting me the way I was or leaving me alone. You demanded I change for you but what you wanted changed almost daily and I became so wrapped up in trying to figure out what you wanted I failed to realize you weren’t anything close to what I wanted.

I allowed you to ignore every boundary I have; the “deal breakers” I have always adhered to, like; faithfulness, honesty, law abiding, respect for others like neighbors, friends and family.

I compromised my values by accepting illegal activity like stealing, driving without insurance, physically abusing your son, me and my son, even though I talked to you about it and gave you ultimatums I should not have ever had to convince you what was right. The first time I witnessed you break the law I should have walked away. It was not my responsibility to teach you right from wrong; that is what a parent does with a child not what an adult woman does with her 40 something partner. If a person doesn’t respect the law by the time they are adults it is unlikely they will change.

When we met I was confident in my sexual abilities and attractiveness to the opposite sex and had a fulfilling sex life with any man I had been involved with. I should have never let your addiction to porn, personal ads and blatant disregard for my needs in bed make me think there was something wrong with me. No woman can compete with that and no woman can cure that for you.

When I went back to you and everyone who knew us warned me to not let you work on my truck and I knew you had sabotaged my vehicle in the past; I should have walked away from the relationship. How could I expect a normal relationship when I knew you were capable of sabotaging me?

Why on earth did I stay with you when time after time you were fired for stealing, what 40 + person hasn’t learned that if you take something that doesn’t belong to you people get angry and employers will fire you. No one is “falsely” accused that many times and if they are they would be very concerned about why people thought they were stealing and figure out what they were doing and stop doing it.

There is no excuse for having hundreds of women on your Facebook, communicating with women from sex sites, and I should not have been crying alone in my bed; I should have been packing. When you were living with me, especially when I was paying the rent I should not have had to tell you I expected you to respect me and not go into dating sites while you were there. When I discovered you were, there should have been no discussion about it, denying it, or blame placed on me; it was wrong, it happened more than once and I should have put your stuff on the street and never answered the door again.

I have never felt the need to beg a man, I always knew I deserved respect and I got it but I had never been with a psychopath before, somehow you convinced me that everything I had always known to be healthy was unreasonable and demanding.

I look back and I can’t believe a man I was with would not come home all night, not answer his phone even when his son or sister were at the house waiting for him and then come home the next day as if nothing happened and I was afraid to say something and be accused of causing conflict, time after time! How bizarre is that?

I allowed you to make me feel that traits like being sensitive, trusting, honest, giving, hard working, forgiving and loving were bad things. I allowed you to ignore my most basic requests like call if you are late, be honest with me, that I am the only woman you are having sex with, come to bed to sleep and hold me at night.

Why on earth did I allow you to badger me about money and feel I had to pay you what ever sum you deemed I owed you and I can’t believe you hit me because I couldn’t comply with your demands for money “right now” and I didn’t charge you with abuse. Did I actually think you would appreciate the fact that when the cops came to the house and asked me if you had hit me and I looked them in the eye and said you hadn’t? All I did was show you that you could get away with it and I would lie for you.

Like you said yourself, “what did you do?”
And I said, “I stayed”
And you looked at me over your glasses and said, “EXACTLY”.

You said that the problems we had were my own fault for not telling you to fuck off. I agree whole heartedly, I never should have let you con your way back. But I must point out I DID kick you to the curb, at times even put your stuff out at the curb and you totally ignored me and moved your stuff back in; to argue with you meant I would get hit, or something of mine would be destroyed. Either you just ignored the fact that I told you it was over or you injured yourself or got sick and I would take care of you, (once again my own fault) or my truck would break down and you would have to rescue me.

You were right, it was my fault; I did stay. I believed the lie that was you and I perpetuated the lie by covering for you just like your mother has for years.

I assigned you feelings that you didn’t have, like guilt, a conscience, love, compassion and honesty because that is what I would have been feeling.

You have memorized and imitated appropriate emotions for certain situations but I learned to see through the act but when my stomach flipped and told me it was all an act I didn’t say anything I played my part like a dutiful puppet, because it was easier than fighting.

You knew you had me beaten down when I wouldn’t challenge even your most transparent excuses and at that point I gave away my self respect.

From day one I asked for; honesty, faithfulness, and fairness. That was all; I was willing to compromise on anything else. I communicated openly with you about my expectations. I told you I didn’t judge you for looking at porn or for needing more than one woman in your life I even offered to watch porn with you but other women I could not accept and if you wanted to be with me I expected faithfulness. I think it was the only deal breaker wasn’t it? I compromised on everything else, I “picked my battle” and it was the one thing I could not accept. I convinced myself that the ads were just an ego boost for you; then you had to take it a step further and actually meet them, then it was sending love letters and before I knew it I was being unreasonable for being upset you were telling other women you loved them and wanted to spend the rest of your life with them. What did I do? I stayed, I cried, I died inside, I made myself believe you when you said you had an epiphany and you loved me and we could work it out.

Now you come to me and say you always loved me, didn’t want to lose me, you have apologized but for nothing specific, you’ve given a generic I am sorry I was wrong, it wasn’t your fault. You say you have had an epiphany, I think this is the same epiphany you’ve had a dozen times in the past.

As a matter of fact you had a much clearer epiphany when you found out you had 6 months to live. When you came to me with your revelation I asked you, what if we get back together and we have tough times, what if something happens and I am dependent on you for a while? And you had said, “it will be different this time,baby, this time you meant it, this time there is no doubt in your mind’. And you know what? My gut was saying, “Run!” but you cried, you made love to me and wouldn’t let me orgasm until I had repeated over and over that I knew you loved me. And now you say it is my own fault for believing you and taking you back, it was I know that, especially now, especially after I found your blog that was public domain and you talked openly about the other women. When I found out you had only hidden you profile on POF and you blamed me because I could have any man I wanted any day of the week. The difference was I could have, but I didn’t want to because I was so in love with you.

You have said you have changed, you aren’t on the internet any more, have given up personal ads because all the people on those sites have major problems, you have said that you have told M you refuse to cut me out of your life and I am your “people” and you want to “help” me. When I turned your friendship down you told me to just let it ride out; we aren’t done yet.

I remember a long time ago; we had been arguing for days again and you were standing at the patio door looking at the bell tower of the monastery on the hill. You called me over and put your arm around me, you held me tight and said, “Its going to be ok, I love you” and I looked you in the eye, started to cry and said, “I love you so much but I am afraid I am going to be a lesson for you. Please don’t let me be a lesson”. I knew back then, almost 10 years ago that there was something preventing you from having a truly loving committed relationship but I just could not bring myself to walk away.

Loving you has been the biggest challenge I have ever faced, I have analyzed every aspect of myself, my traits, desires, dreams, values, expectations, boundaries, beliefs, I have questioned my sanity, stability, intelligence and attractiveness, my abilities as a lover, friend, partner and wife. There was never a day I wasn’t happy to see you come home, never a night I didn’t want you in bed with me or to have you inside me. I would have gone any where and I lived in places no human should live. I quietly watched you working, playing your guitar, or just walking past and felt the love swell in my heart and I would pray to God that you would stop fighting whatever demons you seemed to be constantly battling and open your heart to love.

Maybe you have, maybe you learned your “lesson”, and if that is the case I wish you well. I am afraid I can’t be your friend or believe your apology although I do accept it because you have said yourself that I caused my own pain by not telling you to fuck off. I would be crazy to believe you now, to trust you with my bruised and battered heart. Why would I want a front row seat to watch you give M more than I ever asked of you?

I can even understand the attraction, I know you well enough for it to make sense, and I don’t think it is right but we never did agree on how a relationship should work.

In a practical sense it makes perfect sense. You knew you were fired, you knew you had to get away from the farm and the infestation of mice, you weren’t taking care of yourself and your finances were in a horrible mess, you hadn’t been taking care of business, you needed credibility.
Our problems always started with you sabotaging my vehicle because you didn’t like me having that freedom, then I couldn’t make money and you resented me for that, perhaps your male ego was bothered that you couldn’t support me so you had to seek other women to prove to yourself you still had it. Or maybe being in a committed relationship made you feel vulnerable, maybe it gave me too much power to hurt you. I don’t know the reasons I only know the facts. You resented the attention I gave my son, resented me not being home waiting for you and you resented paying for me in anyway.

You have found the perfect woman for you, no kidding, I am serious. You have managed to sweep her off her feet, something we all know you do well. You must have been exceptionally good this time to move in so quickly. For someone so frugal I would have expected her to be more cautious. But you know how to make a woman relax and trust you don’t you?

You borrow a little bit of money a couple of times and pay her right back, go on and on about how you hate to accept money from a woman and to close the deal you tell her how all your exs took advantage of you and the reason you don’t have anything now is because you weren’t strong enough to say no to them. Especially me, if it weren’t for me you could be semi retired but you know now that you are with her things will be different. You trust her to manage your money, you will pay her and she can pay all your bills and organize your life, you could never trust your ex’s to do that.

She looks at you and all your credentials and knows you have tons of potential, its just that no one appreciated you and encouraged you, or nurtured you; but that has changed now, with her help you will be successful.

She is widowed, perfect! She didn’t have to split any assets and even got life insurance so she is self supporting, plus has a home, and can you believe your good fortune? It has a shop!! Not as big as you are used to but it will do. It was like it was made just for you to walk in and take the place of her husband. She wasn’t used to being alone, married young, never worked except in their business, she was a house wife that needed a husband to take care of and there you were.

No I know you didn’t have anything in common but you never keep promises anyway, you can say you’ll quit drinking and smoking, stop seeing your ex’s, never do drugs again, and just because you’ve always believed in God doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind on that too.

She never had kids so no worries about them getting in the way like Kris did, you don’t have to share her with anyone. You don’t have to deal with an ex husband either. Beauty!!

As icing on the cake her folks are rich and old, someday she will get a nice inheritance and we all know if you are married that means you get an inheritance.

She doesn’t work so she is waiting at home for you every night with supper ready and if you are late and don’t answer your phone she just wraps it in plastic and leaves it out for you like any dutiful wife would. And you made sure she was waiting at home by driving her new Pilot. A new car came with the deal!! Really could you have planned it better? And there she is at home cheerfully getting your paperwork in order, taking messages for you from family and friend because you don’t have a phone. But it is better you don’t have a phone because then you won’t be tempted to fall back into your old habits.

It was so generous of you to come to me and offer to help me because you are doing so well now. You’ve really gotten your act together and want to share the wealth and help me be successful too.

As much as you know you need to marry her to really seal the deal it kind of put panic in your gut didn’t it? That’s why you needed to come running to me and make sure you still had me hooked. Just in case this all blows up in your face you have to have a place to land, just in case you get bored you need someone you can fuck with and if she gets too demanding you need her to know she can be replaced.

You have told her you thought you were in love before but that was before you met her, but you can’t let her get complacent and take your love for granted. You have to keep her on her toes, keep her feeling insecure so she will do anything to keep you happy because she just lost her husband to cancer and she can’t believe she had the good fortune to meet you! You filled that empty space in her heart and her home perfectly she can’t lose you now!!

Plus I really have to give you credit! Getting her to lend you $14,000, that was a good move on your part, she can’t kick you to the curb, she’ll never get her money back.

You have given me enough information I could be causing problems for you and that would really play into your whole orchestrated little game but unfortunately for you I am not playing a role in your life any more. You used your ex’s to cause problems between us and I am the ex that doesn’t play that game. I don’t want to hurt the one that follows me; she has enough on her hands.

I wish you well JC, it’s a match made in well…..not heaven….more like hell.

I thank you for finally being honest with me and telling me it was my own fault for believing you, it has released me.

You are not the man I fell in love with, but you are the man I lived with for 10 years and you know what? I don’t like you. You are a lie and a façade, a chameleon that changes with his environment, and the really sad thing is I don’t think you even know who you are or what you believe. I feel sorry for someone who has no deal breakers, nothing they would fight for, no values they hold dear, no promises they must keep, and no people they would die for. I walk away knowing I am capable of loving with every bit of my being, I loved for the sake of loving and as painful as it was I learned something about myself. I can be beaten down, verbally and physically have absolutely nothing and I still had my morals and values. I have come back because of my character and will to survive, an amazing ability to keep going against all odds and not once used someone or lied to get what I need. I have held my head high and not criticized you to friends and acquaintances, I have carried on struggling, doing my best and let everyone watch how we each handled our lives. It speaks volumes.

I am me because this is who I am at the core. You are you because of who you are with.

I will say good bye now.
Thank you for proving what you are made of and what I am capable of.

the Lady Witha Truck

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck using WordPress for BlackBerry.

Part 2 Of JC’s Psychosis

Up until now this story might appear that it is me that was psychotic and at times I thought I was, it was a lot easier to believe than the man that I loved would be so devious as to purposely cause me to have an accident or worse; cause my death. Having his sister living with us actually saved my life, not what he had planned when he brought her home I am sure. I am sure he thought he was enlisting players for his team and hadn’t dreamed she would turn against him, which is possibly what drove him into his paranoid state.

He had these periods of psychosis throughout our relationship but it seems to me they got worse as time went on and lasted longer, only ending when I would leave, then slowly he would morph back into the sweet, intelligent, in control guy I met. If it wasn’t so scary when this happened it could be entertaining and humorous, his sister and I have had a few good laughs over some of the things he did, after the fact.

It amazes me that someone who acts so insane can act so normal. It brings to mind those newspaper articles about some guy who killed his whole family or blew up where he worked and they interview people and they say, “He was a really nice guy, kinda kept to himself.”

JC had been exhibiting some strange behavior prior to my son coming. He had set up a surveillance camera aimed at the chair I usually sat in when I was home. The surveillance camera had been set up for a long time, it was a remote camera that you could place in a room and go to another area and watch what someone was doing, it didn’t video tape, I had discovered it and just left it, I figured I wasn’t doing anything if he wanted to watch me painting more power to him it wasn’t worth fighting over. Kinda like watching paint dry, boring!!

JC started appearing out of no where or disappearing. The whole yard surrounding our trailer was fenced and had gravel so it was impossible to get to the trailer without the people inside hearing the gate or the gravel but he would just appear at the door. It was freaking D and I out because we couldn’t figure out how he managed to do it; either that or he would totally disappear.

He was always out in his shop in the barn and on more than one occasion I would go out to ask him something or tell him supper was ready and I couldn’t find him. One time in particular I went out to find him and D had also gone to speak to him unbeknown to each other. I went through the laundry room into the music room, he wasn’t there, I went from there into the main barn and walked the full length of it to his shop at the back calling his name and he was no where, I went back to the music room and there he was wiring up a speaker. I told him I’d been looking for him and he said he’d been there the whole time. I knew better than to argue and had forgotten what I wanted to say to him so I went back to the trailer just as D was coming around the side of the barn. She said she’d been looking for JC I said he was in the music room and she said she’d just been there and he wasn’t there. The chances of us both wandering the barn and not seeing him are very unlikely, so where was he? We were sure he had a hidey hole somewhere.

One night I went out to talk to him about something, walked the full length of the barn, and then checked the music room, just as I walked back out to the barn I saw the ember of a cigarette in the shadows and there he was, leaning against the wall just standing there watching me. It sent chills up my spine.

Another night at 3 in the morning I went out because I was going to tell him to come to bed, same thing, he was no where to be found but as I was walking back to the trailer I saw something move by the barn and I said, “JC?” and the shadow walked towards me. For a minute I froze unsure if I should run then he turned on his flashlight and I could see it was him. I said, ”What are you doing out here?” he said he thought he heard something.

Then one day D and I discovered he had built a staircase that went up one side of the fence and on the side of the fence that was in the trailer’s yard he had a ladder up against the fence. That was strange enough (you could access the barn by going out our gate and taking 20 steps to the left) but there was a gate not 5 feet away that went into our yard. We figured he’d built the fence so he could sneak up on us. We were sure we’d heard something or someone beside the trailer one night so the net day D went out to see what she could see and found a thin wire going from the barn, over the fence and under the trailer, when we followed the wire it went into the barn and along the wall down to his shop and it had an intercom speaker on the end of it.

I’ve gotten off course here, back to the story;

When I got back home after sleeping in Wal Mart parking lot with my son, D was awake and so apologetic, she swore her and JC weren’t doing crack, she said he had found the pipe in the couch and put it on the coffee table. I tend to believe her because I know she is honest, but I do think it was a set up by JC. She said that after I left JC had come and asked where I went and she didn’t know. He’d said something about me probably running after my son and taking his side. Then he’d said he’d be right back and gone in the music room and she hadn’t seen him since.

Right about then he came in the trailer said good morning like nothing had happened (typical of him, we could have a HUGE fight and the next day it was like nothing had happened) and went for a shower. He came out, said to have a nice day and went to work. From the kitchen window in the trailer you could see directly into the music room but JC had put up plywood and posters to cover the windows D and I went out to see what he was up to and he had obviously slept in the bed I had sent up for Kris.

D came to work with me and when we got home JC wasn’t home yet, but when he did get home he went directly out to the barn. I made supper and went out to tell him it was ready. I went to walk into the music room and the door was locked. I knocked and he said “yeah?” I told him to open the door. I heard the sound of a dead bolt and then he opened the door a crack and peeked out at me, I said, “Let me in” so he opened the door wider and I went in. He had the place all set up for himself, a propane heater going and Christmas lights strung along the ceiling (mood lighting). I said,”So are you moving into the barn now?” He said he was and that D and I could pay the rent on the trailer (we paid $650/month for the trailer and an extra $50 a month for the use of the music room and another $150 per month for his shop area in the barn) and he would pay the $200 for the music room and his shop. I said fine, but then you don’t use the shower or kitchen in the trailer and to forget about me cooking for him. Then I told him supper was ready.

We all ate dinner together then after dinner he went back out to the barn and stayed out there all night. In the morning he left for work without a shower. D and I went to check the music room and it was locked up solid. Now that would be fine except the doors didn’t have locks, and he hadn’t put a padlock on the outside. The music room was locked strictly from the inside, so how did he get out? D and I went around the whole area looking for a secret door or some thing but couldn’t figure out how he managed to get out of the music room and still have it locked.

That night he came home and went directly out to the barn again. If I went out to talk to him the music room door was locked and I’d have to knock, sometimes he would just talk to me through the door, other times he would open it a crack. Every few days he would come in for a shower, sometimes he ate with us sometimes not.

It was crazy making for sure. As I said in a previous post my cell phone was randomly playing the John Mayer’s song “Half of My Heart” and it was doing it again so I went out to the barn to show JC and ask if he knew anything about it. I found him in the barn and told him what had been happening. I held out my cell so he could hear the song and he just started crying. He said he loved me and held me for a long time then he took my hand and led me over to the wall my son had built. He removed a couple of boards and crawled through into the music room. So that was how he was doing it!

The music room was a disaster area, typical of JC, he always was a slob (not when I first met him of course), we had sex, I can’t call it making love, it wasn’t passionate, it wasn’t loving, it just was. I felt empty, hopeless, just spent, and there was no connectedness between him and I.

After that he didn’t lock the music room anymore and when D and I checked the next day we discovered a pile of turds in the corner. There was a bathroom adjoining the music room, just totally bizarre behavior.

Just a few of the bizarre incidents that were part of my life with JC.