Tag Archives: raising a healthy child

Guilt Is Absolutely Useless-Give It Up


Lately on other sites I have seen women talking about feeling guilt, self blaming and shame for either raising a child with a narcissist and who now is a narcissist and treats you like they hate you.

I just want to say, the one mistake you made is, you chose to have a child with a narcissist. But you didn’t know he was a narcissist at the time so you have to give that one up.
Even if you would have had children with a perfectly normal loving man, you could have had a narcissistic child. Narcissists are born to normal caring people all the time. And narcissists have normal feeling children all the time. It is the “luck of the draw” sort of speak. There is nothing you could have done differently, left earlier, stayed longer, been stronger, more strict, less strict, your child would have been a narcissist regardless of how he/she was raised.
Your guilt is not helping anyone, not you, not your child, not society.
In fact, your guilt is making everything worse. When you are riddled with guilt you can’t live authentically, you can’t live honestly or fully, you can’t find peace or happiness. Guilt eats away at your self confidence and affects every thing you do, every decision you make. Guilt drives good people away.
It is impossible to ever get close to anyone if you are consumed with guilt.
I used to feel guilty about my son, I met the narcissist when my son was 17 and I was with him off and on for 10 yrs. My son HATES him. I wish things were different, I have given my son a heartfelt apology, but I can not change the past. I came to realize my guilt was preventing me from having the relationship I wanted with my son. If I ever wanted to have a close relationship with my son I HAD to give up the guilt.
If your child tries to keep you in guilt as a way of making you feel bad and in their control, you need to refuse to accept it.
The best thing you can do for yourself and for everyone else, (whether your child is narcissist or not); is live your best life, from this day forward.
Apologize, yes! And then let it go. And start living your life with total honesty, act like the person you want to be. You can not change the past, you can not change another person, you only have power over yourself. If you want to be loved for who you are, you must be your honest self. And you can not be yourself if you are consumed with guilt. Read Brene Brown or watch some of her videos on shame.
People will fight any positive changes you make because they like you feeling guilty because a guilty person is easier to manipulate, a guilty person is a martyr.
Live a life you can be proud of, be the example of the person you want your child to grow up to be. That is what a responsible parent would do.
You don’t ever stop being a parent, you can still be an example of a strong, confident, wise, loving adult, no matter how old you or your children are. You don’t know what the future holds as far as your children go.
But I know it is human nature that the harder you try to force someone, especially your child; to do or think a certain way; the harder they fight back.
You do not have to take disrespect or mistreatment from anyone, including your children. If you live honestly and true to your core self, no one can make you feel guilty.
If you are in the company of your child and they are angry, blaming, and generally acting like they hate you, leave. I have done it with my son and it hurt like hell. He was angry about the past about the narcissist and wouldn’t listen to reason. We were in my car and I was driving him home, which was a 2 hour drive and we were only half way. We had stopped for lunch and he started in on me. I tried to explain and calm him down. When I realized I wasn’t getting anywhere, I said. “I love you. I have apologized, I can’t change the past and I can not talk to you right now because you aren’t listening. Calm down and talk to me respectfully or get out of the car”.
That made him really angry and he got out and pulled all his shit out of my car. I wanted to beg him to get back in the car, grovel for his love, cry, my heart was breaking, but I drove away.
God help me, it was hard. I wanted to turn around SO BADLY! All the way home I wanted to turn around, I worried how he would get home with all his stuff. (Xmas gifts, clean laundry, a case of beer, tools he had alot of stuff). I didn’t even know if he had enough money to get home, but he was in his early 20’s, and he would figure it out.
When I got home I wanted to call him to see if he got home ok. I needed to know he still loved me, I felt awful!! I had to take a long walk without my phone to avoid breaking down and calling him. It took until the next day but he called me. “Hi Mom, I’m sorry. I love you.”
And I replied, “I love you too kiddo”.
We have never discussed it again. I did ask him how he got home and I guess it was quite an ordeal and we actually laughed about what he ended up going through.
We always say I love you every time we talk and he has never treated me like that again, never mentioned my ex.
I can still get consumed with guilt, believe me!! But I know I can not have a good relationship with my son if I am feeling guilty about the past. When you are consumed with guilt you are always super sensitive to any indication of disapproval from the person, you analyze every conversation, you read a hidden meaning into the most innocent comment, get defensive over small insignificant things, you get angry when there isn’t justification, you conjole, grovel, accept bad behavior, compromise your values, allow boundaries to be blurred. Guilt is the worst motivation to do anything.
The other thing is, your child doesn’t have to be a narcissist for you to feel guilty or unloved. Years ago my sister in law told me she had never felt guilty until she had my nephew, now she always felt guilty! Haha It’s what mother’s do.
All you can do is be the best mom you can be.
You know my happiest days are the ones when my kid calls. I can be feeling like he must hate me, I haven’t heard from him in awhile and he’ll call. He’ll need my advice, or need a recipe, and all is good in my world again. Our kids are our life, but we aren’t their life.
All we can do is be the best person we can be. You do your best and never stop doing your best. You can’t “win” someone over, you have to believe that things happen for a reason and the truth will win in the end. By living your best life and refusing to allow your child to try you with disrespect they will at the very least respect you.
Let me share from a child’s perspective. I always thought my dad was a controling asshole and my mom was the helpless victim. My dad screwed around on my mom, justified it by criticizing her. He would get so angry around the house we all walked on eggshells and my mom always was the fun parent, always the victim, teaches us to tip toe around when my dad was home. But she also under mined me all the time, my brother was the golden child. Anyway, my dad used to try to get me on his side all the time, criticized my mom constantly, cry to me about how horrible my mom was.
They finally split. And over the years since they split I have been able to see my mom for who she really is, she has caused so much pain in my life, I have caught her in so many lies. I now understand what my dad was trying to do, but it doesn’t justify it. He never should have done that to a child, talk to me about his marriage, how unhappy he was; put that on my shoulders. The truth of the matter is, I was raised by two very unhealthy people and I came away with my own issues because of it.
My dad should have left my mom and gone on to live true to his core self, instead of being a person I couldn’t respect. There were many good things about my dad that were obliterated by his adulterous, miserable self. He wanted me to see him as the poor victim and that he wouldn’t cheat or be miserable if my mom was a better wife.
What I learned was, I wanted to be a better parent than either of them. I could only do that by living true to myself and do what I know to be right. Show who I am by living a life where I am kind, loving, charitable, honest, and never blame anyone else for my bad choices or actions. I know who I am, I know what my intentions are, and I always have a choice.
I have made horrible choices in my life, but I can always choose to be better and hope that if nothing else my son will respect the fact that I never stopped trying to be a better person.
Don’t let your guilt make you into less of a person you want to be.

Parent Alienation

You don’t have to be a narcissist to be be guilty of parent alienation, you just have to be a bad parent. So many times parents in their bitterness feel it is necessary to “get the kids on their side”. Or they talk to their children like they are friends or their therapist. Why they do this, I don’t know; looking for sympathy? A need to vent? To make the other parent look bad? Bitterness? I suppose they think they have a good reason but very rarely is it a good idea or does it end well for the parent doing the trash talking. It usually bites them in the ass.

The children get so sick of hearing all this shit about the other parent they start to look at the complaining parent more critically.

And for those of you who think a child needs to know the truth, unless their lives are in danger; you are wrong. A child will grow up and find out for themselves what the other parent is about. They don’t need you stirring the pot and it makes you look like the bitter ex out for revenge.

It is far more to your advantage to focus on being the best parent you can be and not even mention the other parent except in passing. Ie: “your dad is picking you up tomorrow.”

NOT: “your SOB father is supposed to pick you up tomorrow, but hell probably be a no show, AGAIN!”

If the other parent is a bad parent your children will figure it out all on their own. Your responsibility is to be a healthy reliable and supportive parent who shows up with a smile.

It doesn’t mean lying to cover for the bad parent/narcissist in order to protect the child. It means handling each situation as it comes with honesty and compassion. For example: “I understand you are feeling hurt because daddy didn’t show up for sports day. I am sorry your dad disappointed you.”

If your ex immediately finds his “true love” after you break up, (a classic narcissist move) and your children come home and tell you all about the fun they had with daddy and the new woman; the absolutely worst thing you can do is go on a tirade about what a bastard he is and the new woman is a stupid bitch. To say anything negative at all is going to only reinforce what your ex is saying – that you are a bitter, psycho bitch.

Your ex knows the kids are going to come home and expound on how much fun they had, he is abusing you by proxy and you can not react and give him the reward he wants.

Just keep in mind that the longer he can get a reaction out of you the longer he is able to keep the act going with the new woman. Give him the rope and let him hang himself, he will do it on his own. Trust that history repeats itself and he is not capable of true lasting change.

Normal healthy people get divorced, and normal loving people can turn ugly when dealing with an ex. Both parents have to keep reminding themselves that the only innocent victims are the children. They had no choice in parents, they have no choice about the divorce, they have no control, and their lives are turned upside down. It is up to the parents to put their ego aside, their needs and wants and focus on what is truly best for the children.

Let’s raise healthy children and not play silly games.

Just my thoughts for today, as we enter the final week of domestic abuse awareness month.

Solution To Ending Narcissistic Abuse Begins In Grade School

I am sure most people do not realize that in many ways we groom our young women to be victims, and no one likes a victim it seems. We have no problem making children accountable for what happens to them but not so good at making they accountable for what they do. We are  society of “blame shifters”.

I have been saying for a long time that we need to educate our young women about narcissists and teach them self respect and how to set boundaries at a young age but it was a call from someone this weekend that gave me an epiphany.

  • Names and some of the circumstances have been changed to protect the privacy of the people involved.

A six year old little girl takes her rock collection to school for show and tell and the rock collection gets stolen. The teacher says, “If you wouldn’t have been taking your rocks out and showing the other children they would not have been stolen.”

Nothing earth shattering there, we have all heard a teacher or parent say the same thing but can you see what is wrong with how it was handled?

What was stolen is not the issue, it could have been a bag of rocks or a bag of diamonds, something important to the little girl was taken from her and she feels bad; her feelings were not acknowledged and in fact she was blamed it happening. Whoever stole the rock collection is given the message that it is ok to steal or take whatever he/she wants.

15 years down the road the girl is a young woman who gets too drunk at a party (perhaps her drink is spiked?) she passes out behind a dumpster and a young man rapes her. His father later says that his son is having to pay a stiff price for a few minutes of fun, the girl is blamed because she was drunk.

How can some seemingly insignificant event in grade school end up with rape? Simple really.

They say that a person’s self worth and personality are formed by the time they are 6 years old. Until the age of 7-8 a child absorbs every bit of information they receive without the benefit of logic and reason.

The teacher missed a golden opportunity to teach an important life lesson to her class and could have done damage that will manifest later for the children and in the very least perpetuates one of the biggest contributors to the cycle of abuse continuing.

How c+ould she have handled it in a positive way? By explaining to the class that it is wrong to steal and by asking the little girl how she felt about her rocks being stolen. The teacher could have taught empathy by asking the students to share how they would feel if something valuable to them was taken. There could have been an opportunity for the thief to apologize and return the rocks. But at the very least the little girl’s feelings would have been acknowledged.

The message that was sent was; it’s your own fault when someone does something mean to you. The little girl will hesitate to speak out when she is abused because she doesn’t want to be blamed and will grow up thinking that her feelings don’t matter.

Teachers have a lot of influence over our children, not all teachers have the skills to do their jobs well, luckily most do. I encouraged the parent to take this as an opportunity to teach the teacher by explaining calmly how she could have dealt with it in a more positive way. If he didn’t get a satisfactory response then go into the school and talk to the principal. The parent was worried about the affect on his daughter and was very angry, I explained that the teacher may not be as aware and that there are good teachers and bad teachers; what is important is that the parents consistently support their children and ensure that the child always knows that no matter what they can go to their parent and be listened to.

self-esteem

We all have to be very careful of the messages we send to our children, messages we send every day without even being aware of it; verbally, visually, by what we do and what we accept. “It takes a village to raise a child” has never been more true. And fathers teacher your daughters how they should be treated by setting an example and showing her how a real man treats women, after all they usually marry someone just like their daddy.