Tag Archives: relationships

For Under A $100 You Can Buy A Replace For Your Narcissist

As anyone who has been involved with a narcissist will tell you, they will bankrupt you financially and emotionally. They are a big black hole that will drain you completely before they move on to their next target. Then just as you are starting to heal, they will pop back into your life to test if they’ve still got “it” and suck you back in for another round of, “pull you close in order to discard you”.

Victims of a narcissist often ask “When will he stop hurting me?” “Why won’t he leave me alone?” “I begged him to leave me alone, why does he keep coming back if he doesn’t love me?”

The answer is very simple, because you let him.

Narcissists are nasty like that. They actually get off on your pain. It’s a huge ego boost to be able to hurt you that badly and be able to suck you back into their toxic web. They do not value your love and loyalty, in fact they are disgusted by it and feel justified to hurt you even worse next time to punish you for your gullibility.

Don’t worry, they will be back as many times as you allow.

I have found the perfect replacement for the narcissist in your life.

The Boyfriend Pillow

https://www.amazon.com/Boyfriend-Pillow-Intimate-Romantic-Companion/dp/B007CPFZ24/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ll1&tag=digestaf-20&linkId=0f94a11ffb53a1438b98593db377c395&language=en_US&th=1&psc=1

You can start with just the pillow for around $35 and once you have had enough time to get to know him and want to take it to the next level you can add a dildo of your choice, for the ultimate boyfriend experience.

If you want the deluxe relationship you can add Alexa (just eliminate the a on the end and call it Alex) to have it all for a fraction of the cost and NO heart ache!!

Ten Reasons Why A Boyfriend Pillow Is Better Than A Narcissist

1. You set the pace of the relationship, no one pushing you for sex too soon or wanting to monopolize your time.

2. You may be thinking “but a pillow or dildo don’t have feelings.” Neither does a narcissist, and a pillow can’t discard you!

3. You always know where your boyfriend pillow is. No more nights wondering where he is, who he’s with and when he will be home.

4. No more sleeping alone while he feeds his addiction to porn, dating sites.

5. Safe sex! You don’t have to worry about getting an STD from a pillow or dildo.

6. You will have great orgasms every time, when YOU want them. No more being forced to have sex whether you want to or not. No more begging for sex and no more being left hanging. (Because let’s face it, most victims of a narcissist will tell you that although sex was fantastic in the beginning, after awhile your pleasure was never considered; unless he was trying to win you back)

7. After the initial cost to purchase your boyfriend pillow, there is no further expense to you. No more lending money that never gets paid back, no more supporting someone who can’t hold a job, no one draining your savings account or taking half your house.

8. Speaking of your house. Its easy to get rid of a boyfriend pillow. They can’t stalk you. They won’t blow up your phone or show up unannounced at your door. If you meet another guy, you can throw the boyfriend pillow and dildo in a box in the attic and it will be there waiting should you ever want it back. No guilt trips, revenge, or bringing up the past.

9. A boyfriend pillow will put his arm around you and just listen for as long as you need without interrupting. Will never tell you that you’re wrong to feel what you are feeling or blame you for your own pain.

10. If you go for the deluxe boyfriend package and get “Alex” you will have someone who will make reservations, book trips, change the music (to songs you want to listen to), turn the lights out and lock the doors. All things you probably had to do when you were with the narcissist. Plus an added bonus; you only have to pay for one when you travel or dine, instead of two.

That doesn’t include all the things any woman could appreciate.

– when you come home after a long day the house is in the exact condition you left it. No dirty dishes scattered through the house, no muddy foot prints on the freshly washed floors.

– only one extra shirt to wash, dry and iron

– no wet towels on the floor or bed

– no dirty clothes laying around

– the toilet seat is never left up

– no whiskers or tooth paste left in the sink (unless you leave them there)

– no one farting, reading in the bathroom, or missing the toilet bowl, using the last of the toilet roll and not replacing it (or putting it on the wrong way)

An added bonus, the boyfriend pillow will always hold a crying baby while you get a bottle ready.

A dog is great (and I would never trade Stella for a pillow) but a dog does restrict a person’s lifestyle, many places don’t allow pets, and they can be expensive.

I think I am onto something here.

Tell me what you think!

* Disclaimer. I love men, I have a son (but then he is perfect) and know many men who I like or love alot! This is meant to be light hearted and to make you smile.

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Knowing Your Worth

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Ocassionally I have a woman come into the blog thinking the man they are in love with is a narcissist because he won’t commit. I have to tell them that just because a man won’t commit does not make them a narcissist. For one thing a narcissist is not that honest. There is nothing wrong with a man for not wanting a commitment. Maybe he should stop seeing a woman who he knows wants a commitment but if he is honest and the woman keeps coming around, screwing him, cooking for him etc even after he has repeatedly told her he will never commit, can you really blame him for taking what she is giving? She obviously doesn’t respect herself or her own boundaries, is it up to him to do it for her? I suppose he should but in reality very few men will. She would call him a narcissist and be angry either way for rejected her.
News flash!! Not everyone is going to love you.
The following is my reply to a woman asking me how she can break away from a man she has been seeing for 3 years who won’t commit and never pretended he ever would commit.

Jane, I am not a trained professional therapist so I am not qualified to counsel you, I can only give you my personal opinion. Plus, I know absolutely nothing about you, your past or how your personal relationships are and have been in the past.
I am guessing this is a pattern in your life, with all people; not just in romantic relationships.
I would guess that one or both your parents were critical or distant and no matter how hard you tried you were never able to win their love and approval, you were never “good enough”.
You were the “people pleaser”, the “fixer”, always doing for others and derived your self worth from the praise of others. Sacrificing your own well being, being a martyr, all in the name of being “loved”. But never learning that you were being used and taken advantage of, not loved.
Most narcissists are not as honest as this man, they profess total commitment but lead a double life, often having many women at one time, all believing he is committed to them and that is where the victim gets sucked in. If the narc would have been honest they would have left the relationship.
The fact that you stay knowing the truth tells me that you rely on other people to give you value.
It is human nature to want to be liked, in fact we tend to try harder to please people who don’t seen to like us. No one likes rejection.
But most people wont stick around to be rejected time and time again. You do not love this man, you have made him your “value gauge”. If you can make him commit then you have value, you are worthy, enough, loved.
The truth is; what he thinks of you has absolutely nothing to do with your value, worth or whether you are loveable.
He has every right to not want to commit, and he shouldn’t continue to sleep with you knowing you want a commitment but most men don’t do the right thing and if he tells you he will never commit and you keep coming around he’s going to take what you keep giving.
You are not the victim of a narcissist, you are a victim of your own inability to defend your boundaries.
You want to be loved and have worth but you have attached your self worth to being loved. Your value has absolutely NOTHING to do with who loves you. You are willing to give up your boundaries, what you stand for; in order to be loved and have value. But you fail to realize that in order to be loved you must be loved for who you are, not the pretzel you contort yourself into, not for the things you are willing to give up but for the things you stand up for. If you don’t respect yourself and who you are (boundaries define who you are) you won’t be respected by others. Respect is essential in any loving relationship, in any relationship period. If you don’t have boundaries and defend them how do you ever feel loved for who you are? How do you ever trust yourself to not be disrespected and used?
Loved based on how much you are willing to sacrifice is never real love, it is never secure and you never feel fulfilled and empowered. You always doubt it.
The way to ensure you don’t get involved with a narcissist is to stop dating until you stop deriving your self worth from a man and know your value without being told you have value. When you love yourself, for all your perceived “flaws”, and are willing to walk away from any man who doesn’t appreciate you for who you are, you will continue to get hurt.
I suggest you stop trying to figure out what the man wants, stop trying to be the woman you think the man wants and start looking at men from the perspective of; is this the type of man I want? Is this man worthy of MY love, is this man’s values in line with MY values? I think you need to find a good therapist who can help you do that.
I know it is scary to let go of this guy and be alone but until you can be comfortable alone and truly enjoy your own company you will repeat history.

Eleven Things I Wish My 30’s Self Had Known

the-storm

If you could go back in time and change things, what would you change?

Because of the ripple effect I probably wouldn’t change a thing because it would mean giving up something else. Even with my experience with my ex, as horrible as it was; I wouldn’t change anything because it taught me so much about myself that I probably would not have learned otherwise.

Plus I used to lose sleep worrying that I would never find my purpose for being here on earth and I believe it is through my experiences in the past I am able to live my purpose through this blog and other outlets, like Quora.

Things DO happen for a reason, even if we can’t see that reason at the time that it is happening, later we realize there were very clear steps to getting where we are.

That said, this is what I wish I would have known 30 years ago, it is hard earned knowledge, will any 20-30 year old listen to me? I doubt it, growing up takes time and experience, some people are slow learners, some never learn and some people are too afraid to dig deep enough for real personal growth.

should-have-listened

#1. I wish I would have known how pretty I was while I was still pretty so I could have enjoyed it. (That may sound egotistical, but I think it is a common problem with women and men; we don’t realize how great we are just the way we are, that is understandable when you look at social media, magazine covers, etc)

A few years back I was looking through old photos at a friend’s house and kept coming across pictures of my ex husband snuggled up to the same sexy redhead. I was starting to get pissed, “who was this bitch?? and where was I??” Then I remembered I used to dye my hair red and it was me!

My brother and I were talking one day when I mentioned that, I was shocked when he agreed with me and said he wished he would have known how attractive he was when he was younger. I had always thought he was so confident. He had never had a hard time getting women, he was good looking and very charming his whole life. I had been the one who could always find flaws with myself and had been shy.

What difference would it have made in my life? Instead of dating more, I would have dated a lot less because I wouldn’t have been deriving my self worth from the men in my life. I have wasted a phenomenal amount of time thinking and worrying about men. Long before I met my ex, I would be immobilized waiting for the phone to ring, spend hours upon hours discussing with friends, “what do you think he meant by that?”, “Do you think he likes me?”, “Will he call?”, “Why hasn’t he called?”, “Should I call?” and then he would call and I would go on a date and wonder if he had a good time, did I say anything stupid? Omg! hours and hours wasted on dating guys I didn’t even particularly like.

#2. Your mind lies to you. I didn’t know this until I was in my early 50’s. I spent years as an anorexic/bulimic, from about 17 until I was in my 30’s. When I looked in the mirror I saw a fat person. I always felt grossly overweight, I put myself through hell. I finally joined a gym, started working out and drop kicked my scale out the back door, but it took years, I mean years! before I could look in the mirror and not think I looked fat. I was looking through old photos the other day and I was never fat!

So, if my mind could lie to me about the way I looked it could also lie to me about the narcissist is my life, or that I needed the narcissist, couldn’t live without him, and I just had to retrain my brain to think otherwise.

#3. Other people lie to you, even the people who love you, they don’t necessarily mean to do you harm, but your brain only knows the information it is fed; if you are fed erroneous information early in life you could grow up feeling like an imposter or feeling less than. You are not what other people say you are. No one knows who you truly are at the core, even you probably don’t know. I went most of my life not living true to my core self. I did certain things because I had been told I was that way by my father, mother, teachers, boyfriends, it was not until my ex totally broke me and I had to put myself back together that I realized I wasn’t being me. I spent so much time feeling like I was a fraud and people were going to pick up on the fact that I was not perfect and hate me. My house had to be spotless, I had to be skinny, I had to be the best mom, sister, daughter, employee, cook, host, and I drove myself crazy in the attempt. (psst…..no one is perfect, it isn’t even possible!)

My father used to bitch about my mom and even said to me, “You won’t be like your mother, you will always want sex and will want to please the man in your life.” “If you aren’t good I will take your brother and leave.” My mom used to criticize other people and say, “You would never do that.” “You will always keep your house clean.” “I wonder why that guy asked you out”, she was always on some new diet and talking about being fat.

I had some pretty fucked up beliefs about myself. I went to counselling and had come along way by the time I met my ex, but a narcissist is an expert on picking up on a person’s tender spots and I was unprepared for his insidious wearing away of my self confidence. It wasn’t until I was totally broken that I discovered who I am at the core and found my true core values.

#4. Being sensitive is NOT a flaw!! This is a  HUGE one!! OMG!!! my whole life I was told I was too sensitive, like it was a bad thing. The world needs sensitive people to balance it out. Where would the world be without sensitive people, we would all be a bunch of Trumps! But it is not an excuse for letting yourself get caught up with an asshole either. You have to learn to know when you are being played for a fool and when you aren’t. Often times I hear a victim say, “I can’t help it, I am sensitive, it’s just the way I am.” Everyone can change or learn to control certain behaviors that are unhealthy for them.

#5. It is not my job to make sure everyone is happy, safe and not suffering. I can not and do not have to fix the world.  If someone has a problem, I don’t have to fix it. In fact, by always taking control and fixing things for everyone I was sending them the message that I didn’t think they were capable.

#6. Not everyone is going to like you. You don’t like everyone, you don’t have to, and neither does anyone else. There are going to be people who like you, love you, hate you and who are indifferent to you; none of it reflects your worth. It just means we are all different. The people who have to be “right”, which makes you “wrong” are narrow minded and limiting; try to surround yourself with people who don’t have to be right and can appreciate other’s differences. And just because you have a different value or  belief does not make you special or right and the other person wrong. I learned the hard way that judgements have a way of coming back to bite you in the ass.

#7. You don’t have to make decisions immediately and it is ok to change your mind, especially if the person you have made plans with changes the rules. If someone is pressuring you to make a decision, it is probably because they are afraid that if you think about it too long you will realize it is not a good idea and not in your best interest. The best thing to do when you don’t know what to do; is nothing. Things have a way of working out on their own.(It may not be the resolution WE wanted, but there will be a resolution, and it will be the right resolution) Often times when we rush to make a decision it’s because we know it is wrong and if we wait we won’t get what we want. A great example is when the ex narc comes back loving bombing the victim wanting them to try again, making all sorts of promises and the victim feels pressured to say yes. Pressure from the narc but pressure from themselves also; they are afraid that if they don’t say yes right away they will lose the narc. If you lose the narc because you needed time for him to prove he is a changed man, to build your trust again, and prove he is a man of his word; well that is your answer right there.

#8. I am not invincible or better able to recover from hardship than the next person; but I am far stronger than I ever knew or gave myself credit for. You don’t know how strong you are until you are on the other side. When you think you can’t survive remember, you already are. If it was easy, we wouldn’t need strength. Just like a bodybuilder doesn’t know how much weight he can lift until he lifts it and the more he lifts the more he can lift. You don’t know what you are capable of surviving until you do it and the more you go through the stronger those emotional muscles get. All you have to do is look at where you came from to know you are strong enough. If you focus on repeating over and over again, “I am not strong enough” you will feel weak, if you focus on, “I have been surviving for X amount of time, I am strong” you will feel stronger. This takes us back to #1, our brain only knows what we put in it, change the way you talk to yourself and your mind will start thinking differently. I remember the moment I went from being a victim to being a survivor; it was when I realized that I had been saying, “I can not do this one more day.” for something like 700 days, I HAD been doing it for 700 days!

#9. Listening to my gut instincts would have saved me a whole lot of heartache in life. If you wait to see if your gut instinct was right it will be too late, trust your instincts know better than you. I heard a guest on Oprah one time, a detective of some sort, say that any survivor of a rape he had interviewed told him that they ” had a feeling” to not go into the building or go down that street, or whatever put them in danger. Our gut instincts may not see logical at the time and we tend to rationalize things to ourselves  in order to stifle that inner voice.

#10. How people treat me has far less to do with who I am and a whole lot more to do with who they are. If someone treats me badly it is not a sign I have done something wrong or need to change; it probably means that this person should not be in my life and they have issues.

#11. What we plan for, what we hope for, how we see our lives being in the future, very rarely comes to be and as disappointing as it may be, we have to pick up and make the best of it, learn a lesson from it, use it to grow and be a better person, help others with our knowledge, and just carry on best we can. Lamenting, “But that’s not fair!” never solves anything and isn’t going to change anything.

 

None of us know where our lives will take us, even if we are in total control of our life, we can’t control the lives of other people and there are going to be times someone makes a decision that affects your life, peace of mind and happiness. The best laid plans can go south in a heartbeat and if you want to be happy, you had better learn to go with the flow. Thirty years ago I certainly didn’t envision my life being what it is at almost 60. I didn’t have any grand plans for my life but I didn’t think it was even possible for me to be homeless, or that a man would ever hit me and I would stick around, or that I would end up with no money and a ruined credit rating, or heart failure.

I also never imagined my writing helping thousands of people or being published on a website that is in the top 10 sites in the world, or being interviewed on talk radio. I never knew I had talent painting and that someday I would live off of money I made from selling my painted creations. There were times I didn’t think my son would live past 20 and I was brought to my knees with grief and worry over him and now he is a man I am so proud of my heart fills to overflowing. It is so nice to see your child grow into someone you not only love, but someone you really really like.

I have no regrets because I can’t, life doesn’t come with any guarantees, don’t we all want a fairytale life with no pain, troubles, trauma or broken hearts. Very few people, if anyone, gets that. There are so many people who have suffered far more than I have. People who have lost a child to a drunk driver or some psycho. They just found a woman who was held captive since August in a shipping container, she watched her husband get shot dead by her kidnapper. Why did that happen to her? who knows, there are evil psychopaths in the world who commit horrible crimes against humanity. Life sucks sometimes, I don’t understand why a baby has to die, or why a good kind person gets abused and taken advantage of.  All I do know it; there is evil in the world, and you protect yourself best you can and then just live life the best you can.

 

Maybe I Was Wrong – Maybe I Am Crazy

One of the things that causes so much self doubt in the victim is the narcissist blames them for the narcissist actions or twists the facts, or tells the victim their way of thinking and feeling is wrong. James used to say that he could not handle my warped views, that I viewed life through a different lens than the rest of the world and I was basically whacked.

I told him I wasn’t afraid of being wrong, but I was not going to take his word for it. I challenged him to find one person, any person he chose would be fine with me, it could be a guy off the street, it could be his best buddy; bring them to me and in front of me tell them exactly what happens in our relationship and then ask them if I am wrong to be hurt or angry. If they say that I am totally whacked and out of touch with reality, I will get help and I will change. If you are so right and I am so wrong; prove it to me. He never did, because he knew he wouldn’t be able to find one person who could say he was right and I was wrong, not even his best buddy would be able to do it and he would never have admitted to anyone the things that he did. He knew it was wrong or he would not have hidden it or lied about it.

If a person knows they are right, without a shadow of doubt, they don’t hide what they are doing, they don’t expect you to not tell other people. James also used to accuse me of only telling people the bad things he did and never telling them the good things he did for me. I spoke very little about the bad things James did because I knew people would tell me to leave and think I was crazy for staying so I didn’t tell people what went on behind closed doors. I was ashamed of what I tolerated. But, even if I had; whatever happens behind closed doors in a relationship should be able to be talked about publicly; I am not saying you should share all your dirty laundry with everyone, somethings in a relationship deserve to be kept private. But with that said, there should never be a need for secrets,

If you feel bad telling someone how your partner treats you then you need to look at the relationship closer, are you settling for something you know is less than what you deserve?

The Narcissist Dance

devil hell

The Narcissist Dance, a combination of a two step, jive, twist, jerk, rock and roll and a tango and no matter how fast you dance you will never figure out how to follow him or know what step he wants you to take next.

We dance with everyone in our life, our parents, our children, our lovers. By dance, I don’t mean in the literal sense, I mean figuratively. We establish a certain way of dealing with each other, a dance, sort of speak. They say this, we do that, we do that they do this, ……. we each end up knowing each other’s triggers, sensitive spots, what interests them and what will make them angry. Have you ever noticed that you can act totally different with different people? For example, my dad hated noise so when he was home everyone was very subdued whereas with my mom everything was louder and more fun. I knew when my dad was grumpy to steer clear of him. Or you are more relaxed with one friend than the other, or you avoid a topic with one friend because you know it will set her off.

Certain people just bring out the worst in us too, no matter how hard we try, some people just annoy us. And there are those couples you see once in a while on a dance floor who know each other so well they glide around the dance floor, he can lead her with a slight pressure of his hand, but she knows his every move and they dance effortlessly. Or the couple who finish each other’s sentences or she knows he will forget his glasses so she puts them in her purse. There is comfort in routine, in knowing what comes next and us human’s like routine and knowing what is coming. Most people hate surprises and they will stay with someone, not because they are happy; but because at least they know what is coming. They have established a dance with that person and they don’t want to learn a new dance, it is easier to just dance with the one you know.. You’ve surely heard the saying, “Staying with the devil you know.” who ever came up with that saying must have been involved with a narcissist.

The problem with the narcissist, he taught you how to do one dance and just when you were in sync with him in the waltz of love he started doing the jive, and then he starts to do the polka, then back to a waltz and you can’t dance fast enough to keep up with him. Just when you think you have him figured out he will change the steps again. There is no winning, no figuring him out, no avoiding conflict.

BUT, there is a certain amount of predictability to his unpredictability. You know that once you break up he will find a way to contact you or if you call saying you need his help, (whatever the two of you have established as your dance) you will end up having sex and being “back together”. With James and I, my truck would break down or he would injure himself and I would have to care for him. After ten years it had become “just the way we were”, yeah I was sick of it, yeah I told him this time is it, no more breaking up and getting back together, if we don’t know we want to be together by now we need to just walk away from it. He agreed and we went right back to the “way we were”. I put up with it for 2 years and then finally left, determined to not go back this time. But there was this little glimmer of hope inside me that was expecting him to injure himself or my truck would break down and I would call and he would rescue me and we would do the dance all over again. Only this time he didn’t come running when my truck broke down, he had found someone else and he didn’t give a shit about me any more. All of a sudden I didn’t know any of the steps to the dance he was doing. In fact he left me standing all alone on the dance floor while he did the hokey pokey with someone else.

I didn’t want him back, I knew he was a pathological liar and a narcissist, I knew he was not good for me and he would probably end up killing me but in one fell swoop he ripped the rug out from under me. He left me!!! after all I had put up with, after all the times I had forgiven him and taken him back against my better judgement and the judgement of others, because he had been so insistent that he had changed and loved me and now he was dumping ME? without a backwards glance?? and it didn’t matter how much I pleaded, or said I loved him, he could just walk away and not only that he was blaming me, calling me a psycho and saying he never loved me, I made his life hell for 10 years!! If life was such hell why did he beg me back so many times in that 10 years?  NOW, all of a sudden he saw the relationship as toxic and he wanted out??

Well, if that isn’t changing the tune he was dancing to I don’t know what is!! and now I was supposed to be happy for him that he had found true love and preferably melt into a puddle of shame in a corner somewhere and not ruin the good thing he had going.

I think a lot of the hurt we feel and the reason we have such a hard time with no contact is we got used to things being a certain way, as dysfunctional as things were, it was the way “we were”, we were so in tune to his wants, needs and desires, so intent on following his lead, we forgot how to dance with anyone else. We had a false sense of security thinking no other woman would put up with him the way we did, he may be an asshole but he was our asshole and we always had the hope he would go back to the guy we first fell in love with.

The thing is; even if by some miracle he changed, the relationship between you and him never would. There is too much water under the bridge, too many lies, too much hurt to repair it now. You could never trust him, or he would have to work damn hard to earn your trust back.

Victims have a hard time accepting reality, no matter how much it hurts, it is done, let it go. Have you ever tried to lead a man when you are dancing? It never works very well. I had a guy tell me once that dancing was an indication of how well two people related with each other. I don’t know if that is true, I couldn’t follow him to save my life and I kept trying to lead. We didn’t last long, but he thanked me for making him aware of how much he loved his ex. Oh yeah I had a good cry over that but I got over it by the next weekend. And then you have my ex husband who was an excellent dancer and could dance with any women, but then come to think of it he screwed any woman too. So maybe there is something to that theory, James hated to dance and for someone who played guitar, had a horrible beat. And again the theory maybe right, he hated to dance, he refused to dance, much like he refused to participate in a relationship and when he did try he was off beat. Hmmmm.

dance with devil

I don’t have a clue how this couple gets along, (they are a couple) but you have to admit they are beautiful to watch and they have to be in tune with each other to do it. A relationship with a narcissist is much like this couple dancing. He takes you to great heights, you have never felt more sexual, never trusted any man like you trust him, you believe in him and that he will always be there to catch you. Only difference is when a narcissist throws you up in the high he spots another woman in the audience and walks off stage and instead of being caught, you land face first and he blames you because you took too long to come back down or whatever.