Tag Archives: Religion and Spirituality

I Almost Did It!

poopI have a confession to make! I stayed up until 3 am going through old emails and journals, building my “defense”, against each of JC’s accusations. I slept like crap, my eyes are burning today and I hate feeling like this.
I don’t have to feel like this!

Something happens when you are stripped of all dignity, self respect, joy, hope and material possessions, you have to make a choice to wither up and die or find the strength to survive.

When the person you loved more than anything is responsible for your despair it is almost more than you can bare. I literally screamed at God,”What the fuck do you want?” my faith shattered at my feet. There is no describing that kind of pain, but those who have been there know what I mean.

When going through my old emails I realized I have sent no less than 6 emails since Feb 2011 begging JC to just leave me alone. I answered to the same set of fabrications in fall of 2012 and it did no good obviously. Throughout our relationship I tried to get him to see the facts but he’d just rewrite history to make himself look like the victim. To address his accusations again is a waste of my time and to put any more thought into why he won’t just go away is futile.

brick wall
To allow him to bring his black cloud into my life again is craziness.
He credits M for his new life. Then he should be so flipping thankful he has her and leave me alone. I don’t credit anyone but God and me, I am proud to say, no one “fixed” me; I put myself back together, there was no one there to help me I had to do it all alone ( that is why I started this blog). In his blog he tries to bring my brother and son into his quagmire but they also have put themselves back together and we are all living good lives. He can’t pull us down any more. None of us care what he has to say. It is all so yesterday.

Him bragging about M and him eating each other and she is delicious I suppose was meant to make me jealous but it just made him look like a jealous school boy.
In his post right above it he makes himself out to be the victim of her wrath during their move and he is the epitome of patience. I feel sorry for her, but I did try to warn her. In her defense we all know how convincing the N can be, crying about his horrible psycho ex that made his life hell and she is so rational, calm, the love of his life.

JC is part of my past, he is trying to be part of my present and I will not let him taint the peace and serenity I have found.
So far anything he has done in an attempt to destroy me has worked out in my favor.
I did not go through all I have to have him pull me back into his toxic world of deceit and control.

So I am climbing in the shower now, going to clean my little cabin, take my puppies for a walk along the lake, go to my doctor appointment and then I am going for dinner on my brother’s yacht with him and my nephew to watch the sun set.

Aaahhh life is good! Thank you God.
No one can take my peace away its God given.
Hugs to you all and welcome to all the new followers. There is life after the N and we are here for you because we all know what you are going through.
Have a great day!!

 

Self Doubt and Wishful Thinking

This is a post from May 19, 2011. It is what I hear coming from many people visiting my blog. It was written 5 months after leaving the N. Oh how I struggled!! I never thought I would see the day when I wouldn’t hurt at the thought of him.
Hugs
Carrie

 

Ladywithatruck's Blog

If only I could believe what I know to be true. I think the self doubt comes from 10 yrs of being told black is white and what I know to be wrong is right and if it is wrong it’s my fault.
There are certain unwritten laws and boundaries that 95 % of society live by whether they are christians, or not. Common decency and respect for others rules that most of us learn throughout childhood into adulthood and help us live in relative peace in society. Even criminals and gangs have a code of ethics and clearly defined boundaries, but life with a narcissist has no clearly defined boundaries nothing is certain, nothing is sacred and there are no guarantees or set rules.
What you thought to be true yesterday is proven to be a lie and rules that applied to you don’t apply to him, what he…

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Seeing What We Want to See

Image

The first time I saw the above picture was shortly after I met JC, at first I thought he had posed for the picture he looked so much like the man in God’s arms, right down to the purple t-shirt. It still gives me chills to look at it.

JC’s father had bought the picture and put it in the bible along with a letter to JC. I have written about the bible a couple of time, one post was titled “The Bible” and the other one was “Out of Africa”.

I had the picture saved on my laptop and came across it the other day when I was going through my photos organizing and deleting. I can’t tell you how many times i have looked at this picture and never noticed the significance of it.

All I ever saw was JC in God’s arms. JC was a workaholic (or so he liked to pretend) and I saw the man in the picture as a man who was a hard worker, probably worked on Sundays and God was holding him up. JC’s father was always telling him that he should be taking Sundays off and that he kept himself so busy he couldn’t hear God talking to him if he was never still and quiet.

It wasn’t until I looked at it this week that I noticed something I had never noticed before; what the man has in his hands, a spike and a hammer; it sent a chill down my back and stopped me dead in my tracks.

JC always talked about God and religion and how he wasn’t living like he knew he should be and the way God wanted him to live.

I think JC’s father knew the truth about JC, often when he called he would want to talk to me first, before he talked to JC, I think he was trying to get a “feeling” about how he was treating me. JC’s mom was and is blind to the truth about JC. But then so was I for a long time.

The picture was almost like a premonition; considering what JC did when he went to Africa in the name of Christianity and volunteered for a well-known charitable organization. (Out of Africa) Because of JC’s actions the charity had to do a lot of damage control. He came very close to ruining their reputation and all the good work they had done, let alone that he stole from them somehow feeling justified in every thing he did. I didn’t hear the truth about what he did while he was there, the truth came out bit by bit over the course of years but I knew in my gut he wasn’t giving me all the facts, once again his intentions were misinterpreted and he was falsely accused, and for safe measure he had contracted malaria while he was there.  Which he got a lot of leverage out of for several years and after I dumped him he used it to get me back by lying and saying he had been given 6 months to live. Who lies about dying?? Most people would be afraid of bad karma but not a narcissist.

It’s bizarre how we only see what we want to see when we are involved with the narcissist. For years I saw a man who knew right from wrong and wanted to do the right thing but was easily manipulated by others, a man who just wanted to be loved, a man who didn’t believe in himself and a man who believed in God but had turned away from the church. I thought I could “teach” him right from wrong, that if I loved and encouraged him he would see how sepcial he was and not resort lying and using the easy way out. I refused to see the real person he was for so many years and I totally missed it in the picture also, but now that I am healed and thinking clearly I can view the picture without my rose-colored glasses.

I was talking to someone a few days ago about JC and they stated that they would have not put up with his shit that long and that a person can only be falsely accused so how and then there has to be truth to the accusations and that the victim can only blame the abuser for so long before they have to take responsibility for staying with the narcissist. I still struggle with that aspect of my relationship with JC; why I stayed with him as long as I did, why I kept giving him chance after chance and defended him time after time. He kept upping the anti, my truck would break down and he would fix it, he would injure himself and I would take care of him, his place burned down and I let him stay with me, he got malaria and I nursed him, he phoned and said he had been given 6 months to live I felt bad for him. Every single time I felt in my gut he was lying but I ignored my gut and did what my heart wanted to do. Wishful thinking, and I was “loved” him.  He would make me feel so guilty for thinking he could sabotage my truck, or lie and it is so hard to believe you love someone capable of doing the things he did. Who does those things?? Just people on the news or in movies, no one would love. I can’t help but wonder how many women who have been killed by their lover, or exlover had a gut feeling that they ignored because they just refused to see the truth.

Its been over 2 1/2 years and I am still having revelations concerning him, I can’t believe the lies I told myself or how long I stayed. I look at pictures of him and can’t for the life of me remember why I loved him so much, I was so unhappy for most of our time together and he kept telling me I was wrong, I was dysfunctional, I was too negative, I was too suspicious, too needy, too demanding, too ………………….you name it and he was able to make me doubt myself. Once you are away from their influence long enough you will get to this point also.

Hugs and Love to everyone

May God bless you all

Carrie