Tag Archives: Religion and Spirituality

Self Doubt and Wishful Thinking

If only I could believe what I know to be true. I think the self doubt comes from 10 yrs of being told black is white and what I know to be wrong is right and if it is wrong it’s my fault.
There are certain unwritten laws and boundaries that 95 % of society live by whether they are christians, or not. Common decency and respect for others rules that most of us learn throughout childhood into adulthood and help us live in relative peace in society. Even criminals and gangs have a code of ethics and clearly defined boundaries, but life with a narcissist has no clearly defined boundaries nothing is certain, nothing is sacred and there are no guarantees or set rules.
What you thought to be true yesterday is proven to be a lie and rules that applied to you don’t apply to him, what he said he wanted yesterday is what he’s angry about today. The love he promised a week ago to you he is now promising to someone else and he’s treating you like dirt under his feet.
We are taught certain things are unacceptable; hitting, lying, stealing, are all things that are wrong, no grey areas, you just don’t do them. But when you are in love with a narcissist they are part of your every day life and slowly bit by bit you become desensitized to the assault on your moral fibre and you accept what would have been totally unacceptable to you prior to your involvement with the N.
Even now 5 months after leaving JC I torment myself with self doubt. Certain things he did were wrong, hurtful and inexcusable, no one is perfect but I did nothing to deserve the hateful way he treated me. He wants to be “friends” and I struggle to give him that because I want him to “like” me. Why do I care? I have every right to be a hateful bitch if I feel like it, he totally disregarded my feelings morals values and boundaries. Why am I still accepting his excuse that it was my actions that drove him to do the things he did. His actions were inexcusable. Any one who would do the things he did/does will not change. A new woman is not going to be the miracle cure, he has not become moral, ethical, and capable of true love and commitment at 47 yrs old because he met the “right” woman. He has been the same with every woman he’s ever been with, he messed with my head for 10 yrs and he will continue until I stop it.
God help me be strong!