Tag Archives: Respect

Knowing Your Worth

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Ocassionally I have a woman come into the blog thinking the man they are in love with is a narcissist because he won’t commit. I have to tell them that just because a man won’t commit does not make them a narcissist. For one thing a narcissist is not that honest. There is nothing wrong with a man for not wanting a commitment. Maybe he should stop seeing a woman who he knows wants a commitment but if he is honest and the woman keeps coming around, screwing him, cooking for him etc even after he has repeatedly told her he will never commit, can you really blame him for taking what she is giving? She obviously doesn’t respect herself or her own boundaries, is it up to him to do it for her? I suppose he should but in reality very few men will. She would call him a narcissist and be angry either way for rejected her.
News flash!! Not everyone is going to love you.
The following is my reply to a woman asking me how she can break away from a man she has been seeing for 3 years who won’t commit and never pretended he ever would commit.

Jane, I am not a trained professional therapist so I am not qualified to counsel you, I can only give you my personal opinion. Plus, I know absolutely nothing about you, your past or how your personal relationships are and have been in the past.
I am guessing this is a pattern in your life, with all people; not just in romantic relationships.
I would guess that one or both your parents were critical or distant and no matter how hard you tried you were never able to win their love and approval, you were never “good enough”.
You were the “people pleaser”, the “fixer”, always doing for others and derived your self worth from the praise of others. Sacrificing your own well being, being a martyr, all in the name of being “loved”. But never learning that you were being used and taken advantage of, not loved.
Most narcissists are not as honest as this man, they profess total commitment but lead a double life, often having many women at one time, all believing he is committed to them and that is where the victim gets sucked in. If the narc would have been honest they would have left the relationship.
The fact that you stay knowing the truth tells me that you rely on other people to give you value.
It is human nature to want to be liked, in fact we tend to try harder to please people who don’t seen to like us. No one likes rejection.
But most people wont stick around to be rejected time and time again. You do not love this man, you have made him your “value gauge”. If you can make him commit then you have value, you are worthy, enough, loved.
The truth is; what he thinks of you has absolutely nothing to do with your value, worth or whether you are loveable.
He has every right to not want to commit, and he shouldn’t continue to sleep with you knowing you want a commitment but most men don’t do the right thing and if he tells you he will never commit and you keep coming around he’s going to take what you keep giving.
You are not the victim of a narcissist, you are a victim of your own inability to defend your boundaries.
You want to be loved and have worth but you have attached your self worth to being loved. Your value has absolutely NOTHING to do with who loves you. You are willing to give up your boundaries, what you stand for; in order to be loved and have value. But you fail to realize that in order to be loved you must be loved for who you are, not the pretzel you contort yourself into, not for the things you are willing to give up but for the things you stand up for. If you don’t respect yourself and who you are (boundaries define who you are) you won’t be respected by others. Respect is essential in any loving relationship, in any relationship period. If you don’t have boundaries and defend them how do you ever feel loved for who you are? How do you ever trust yourself to not be disrespected and used?
Loved based on how much you are willing to sacrifice is never real love, it is never secure and you never feel fulfilled and empowered. You always doubt it.
The way to ensure you don’t get involved with a narcissist is to stop dating until you stop deriving your self worth from a man and know your value without being told you have value. When you love yourself, for all your perceived “flaws”, and are willing to walk away from any man who doesn’t appreciate you for who you are, you will continue to get hurt.
I suggest you stop trying to figure out what the man wants, stop trying to be the woman you think the man wants and start looking at men from the perspective of; is this the type of man I want? Is this man worthy of MY love, is this man’s values in line with MY values? I think you need to find a good therapist who can help you do that.
I know it is scary to let go of this guy and be alone but until you can be comfortable alone and truly enjoy your own company you will repeat history.

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Moving Forward With Boundaries In Place

Here is an excerpt from a post I did today on the No Reim’er Reason site.

“I found with James, over time my respect for him dwindled; and it bothered me. How can you love a man who you do not respect? For me it goes hand in hand; on the other side of the coin, how can you say you love me when you don’t show me respect? Love without respect is a contradiction of terms, it an oxymoron; just like a narcissist is an oxymoron, (I know, kinda cool that moron is part of that word, I caught that!)

I think it is important we talk about respect in a relationship if we are going to discuss re-entering the dating world after the narcissist.

How do you earn someone’s respect?”

We don’t think about the meaning of words, we toss the word respect around but what does it mean? how do we know we are being disrespected? It is important to have the answers to those questions BEFORE you start dating again. The narcissist demands respect, he expects compliance with his demands and if he doesn’t get immediate compliance he says you are not treating him with respect, so he will use fear to get you to comply. Fear has nothing to do with respect.

I know that from being a single mom of a teenage boy who outweighed me. I knew I had to have his respect because he would never fear me. Besides, who wants their kids to fear them? I much prefer have my son o things because he respects me and because I have walked my talk and lived true to the same standards I expected of him.

To find out how to earn someone’s respect and keep it join No Reim’er Or Reason by clicking on the donation button and paying a small one time only membership fee of $15. This offer is only good until 2016, after that the fee will be more and monthly. 

Why Are We Still Teaching Our Young Girls That A Man Gives Them Worth

I was on Facebook the other day and saw a touching post by a mother who’s daughter is being bullied by her school mates about being over weight and unattractive. I forget exactly what her post said because, although I was touched by her daughter’s blight, it was some of the comments that really hit home with me. And not for the reasons you may think.

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The mother posted a pic of her daughter in hopes of getting a bunch of likes and encouraging comments to make her daughter feel better and there were a lot of lovely messages of encouragement posted.

The first comment I read hit me between the eyes and I immediately felt angry. It got me thinking “And we wonder why women settle for less than they deserve and tolerate abuse just so they can say they have a man.”

The relatively young female who commented did so with genuine caring and with the best of intentions I am sure but her attitude screamed at me the problem with society and it’s attitudes about women. It is such a common belief people don’t even realize what they are saying.

I can’t quote the comment word for word but this is basically the message she conveyed.

“Don’t listen to them, you are beautiful inside and out. They are small minded and you are better than them. here comes the clincher………. wait for it……… Some day you will meet a man who will think you are beautiful and love you for who you are.”

I tried to respond to the post but for some reason was unable, but if I could have this is what I would have said.

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“Please, everyone commenting, I know you are all well-intentioned; but please! stop attaching a woman’s worth to having a man! This young lady has a whole future to look forward to, to live her dreams; encourage her to be the best version of herself that she can be. Tell her to live true to her inner voice, respect herself, and value herself and all her wonderful talents, some of which she may not even know she has yet. Explain to her that bullying comes from small minded people who are insecure, that is why they must bully others; in an attempt to make themselves feel powerful. Teach her how to set and defend boundaries and believe in herself so that when she meets a man she doesn’t compromise herself and her beliefs just to keep him. Don’t put so much value on having a man,  that someday if she ends up being abused she stays because it is better than being without a man. Encourage her to live for today and to actively seek out things that give her joy, to pursue her dreams and passions, forget what others think of her, if she lives true to her inner voice and living her life to the fullest; people will gravitate to her because her joy will radiate outward.

When you are doing something you love, you do it well, you can’t help it and doing something well builds self esteem and confidence. A person does not need to be part of the popular crowd, they don’t need dozens of friends (who really aren’t true friends) we only need one or two people who will have our back and not talk smack behind our back. But no matter what there is only one person you can or should rely on, only one person you need to be accountable to, one person who will be totally honest with you if you are willing to listen, and that person is you. Listen to your gut, not the crowds, not the bullies, not your girlfriends, or your boyfriends or what the latest teen magazine is saying about how to get a guy. Live your passion and always listen to what your gut instincts are telling you and you will find happiness and yes, you will find love.

I know bullying hurts, especially when you are a teen you want to be popular and no one deserves to be bullied, but to tell her that someday a man will love her and it will all be ok; is telling her she has to have a man to be valued. For generations upon generations we teach our girls that they need a man in their life to be whole, to be valuable, to be considered attractive, successful, and if you don’t have a man you are flawed in some way.

I wish to God that when I was 15-16-17-30!! someone would have said to me;

“Be you!! you are enough! you are special just the way you are. You don’t need to lose weight, you don’t have to be the perfect homemaker, you don’t have to tolerate shit from any man, just so you can say you have a man. “Man” does not complete a woman, she is a complete package all on her own and very capable of making it in this world. Since women’s lib, women have been proving they can do anything a man can do time and time again and instead of being respected and admired for their strength and brains they are told they can’t have it all, a career and a family. The only reason she can’t have it all is because people are clinging to the belief she is nothing without a man. She can be a homeowner, top executive, breathtakingly beautiful but if she doesn’t have a man everyone assumes she is flawed in some way.

I am 57 years old and I regret spending most of my life trying to be “enough”, I am tired of the hearing from people that a man will solve my problems; excuse me!! that attitude got me where I am today! I spent most of my womanhood trying to be the kind of woman who men want, I strived to be the perfect partner, loving, supportive, home owner, homemaker, a whore in the bedroom but a lady in public, the perfect hostess, the perfect mother, a good friend, and I continually gave more than I could afford to lose. Even after leaving James I an’t count how many times I was told, “It’s ok, some day you will meet a man who will love you for you.” As if without a man happiness isn’t possible; women are all on hold thinking once they meet a man, then they will be happy. What bunk!!!

All through high school I was told by my mom to wait until I got out of school, then I would meet a man who would love me. My dad was telling me that I was going to be a better wife than my mother was and I would know how to keep a man happy, I would never deny my husband sex, (yeah he actually said that) he even told me that when he was single he never went after the really beautiful women because the less attractive women tried harder. (yeah I hear ya, great way for a dad to talk to his daughter, well how about this one) if I wasn’t a good girl he would take my brother and leave mom and me. So the whole responsibility of keeping the family together fell on my shoulders, any wonder I had an ulcer at 9?

The whole time I hauled scrap metal no one understood why I would do that, my family thought I was crazy, but for the first time in my life I felt empowered, I wasn’t doing a job because it was a job I was told I should do, it wasn’t a typical woman’s job, I got dirty, greasy, and I worked as hard as any man and could operate that truck as well as any man and I was still every bit a woman. I felt attractive, in control, confident, I didn’t need anyone to tell me I was doing a good job. For the first time in my life I enjoyed going to work instead of crying every morning at the thought of being locked in an office all day and living for the weekends; and that radiated out.

I cringe at the thought of how many weekends I was quite content to be home with my son, putzing in my garden and at the same time feeling I should be with a man on a date. I remember having girlfriends who dated guys they didn’t even like just so they could say they had a date on the weekend.  I regret all the time I wasted worrying about whether the guy would all or not, whether I needed to lose 5 lbs, never feeling attractive enough because I look at old pictures of me and my God! there was absolutely nothing wrong with me!! If only I had known how attractive I was and appreciated myself more.

We never say to our boys, just wait, some day a girl will come along who will love you for you and then you will be happy and valuable, because boys don’t worry about that. When boys are taught about women terms like these are used;

They are “trapped”, a woman “catches” them, they get “tied down”, “lose their freedom”, “the old ball and chain”, “henpecked”, and if they get dumped they are told to just go to the bar, get drunk and get laid.  Who ever taught our young people that it is acceptable to ask for a pic of a girl naked and it was ok for the girl to send it??? and that it is acceptable behavior to give a guy a blow job and leave a lipstick ring as your “claim to fame”.

Why, someone please tell me! in a day and age when women are more independent, self sufficient and supposedly “equal”, and society has no excuse to be uninformed, a time when people talk openly about how wrong abuse against women is; are women still being told “wait until a man loves you”.

Why aren’t our girls being taught that;

  • If you are going to dress like a whore, men will treat you like a whore and there is nothing wrong with leaving a little bit to the imagination, it does not make you a prude, it gives you class.
  • It may be a double standard, but men on a whole do not respect a woman who has sex with them too soon and if a man is interested in you as a person and not simply as a vagina, he will wait until you feel comfortable.
  • Women may be able to do it all but they shouldn’t have to. There is no way a woman should be working full time and doing all the housework and child rearing also, and if the daddy of your children spends time with the kids, he is NOT giving you a break, baby sitting or doing anything miraculous; he is spending quality time with the children he fathered, period.
  • No one, male or female; should ever be treated with disrespect, hit, called names, or denied their feelings; ever! but we can not ask for respect, we must demand respect and if it isn’t given, we must be prepared to walk away.
  • There are people in the world who do not have a good side, evil people who will exploit you and use you; and you can not fix them nor should you try.
  • It is quite ok to not be liked by everyone, and for you to not like everyone.
  • It is ok to walk away from a relationship with a man without having proof he is an asshole. The fact that you are not happy is reason enough to walk, it doesn’t matter if everyone you know thinks he is a nice guy and you are crazy, you know how you feel and if your gut is saying to walk away, walk away!!
  • Listen to your gut instincts!! pulleeeeeeze!!!! it will never lie to you, trust yourself before you trust anyone else.
  • People should earn your trust, not automatically get trust until they prove they don’t deserve, then it is too late.
  • It is not selfish to say No to someone, and they should respect that you said no and not badger you, if they disappear because you said no then they were not the person for you. Never ever compromise your principles for anyone else. The minute you do you might as well walk away because from that day forward you will be expected to compromise more and more and No will mean nothing to the other person. The minute you compromise your values you have lost the game, he may be happy he got what he wanted but he lost respect for you and you for yourself.
  • We teach people how to treat us by what we allow. People say, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer, he kept badgering me, or he did it anyway……….. then you must walk away. He made his choice when he didn’t respect your feelings/wishes and so you must make your choice, tolerate being disrespected from this day forward or walk away with your head held high and your self respect intact.
  • And last but not least; have some loyalty to your gender, this is not a competition between women for who gets the guy. If you “take” another woman’s man, it does not make you a better woman, no matter what he is telling you. It makes you the next sucker in a long line of women who thought they got their worth from a man instead of from their integrity, honesty and values. and don’t be all surprised and indignant when he screws around on you. The number one unwritten rule for women should be, you never ever date a friend’s man, ever if he is an ex. Loyalty to your friends first and foremost and if he was worth your time and a decent guy, he would never have asked out a friend of his partner or ex partner. Think about it.

That is the end of my very long rant! *sigh* I feel better now, thank you all, I will just pick up my soap box and let you continue with your day.

Hugs to all!!

 

 

I Am Only Hurting Myself

I was reading a post from one of the blogs I follow and really enjoy, An Upturned Soul, the link to the post is here.

I commented on the post but will get into more depth here about how our actions affect those around us.

There is a tendency with victims to forget how their actions affect those who love them. We think, it’s my choice, it is my life, I am the only one who will get hurt if I go back to the narcissist. “What have I got to lose? I have invested however many months, years into the relationship, why not try again?” We are so consumed with our broken heart and making the pain stop that we don’t think about how our choices will have long term effects on mostly our children.

Often times women come in here with small children and say that their children are not affected by the abuse, that they are a good mom and the N is a good father and they don’t want to deny their children their father, they are staying for the kids. No you are not, be honest, you want to stay or go back because you don’t want to walk away, it has nothing to do with the kids. If you did care about the kids you would walk away and be the best mom you can be. You can not possibly be a good mom when your heart is constantly broken, you are consumed with where your husband was last night when he didn’t come home, or when he is screaming at you that dinner is late or whatever he has chosen to bitch about. You can not be a good mom when your heart is breaking and you are being treated like dirt under your husbands feet.

Or maybe you are split from the ex but still remaining in contact and he spends the odd night, then he does something to break your heart again, don’t kid yourself that your children don’t feel it, they may not know why, but they feel something, they know something is wrong.

Yes you are a crying mess when you first leave the N and it is hard on them to see you that way but at least you will eventually heal and be the mom they deserve, but only if the N is out of your life.

But what if he changes?

but what if he doesn’t? are you willing to scar your children for life on a hope and a prayer? In the big picture is it worth it? is it worth the legacy you saddle your kids with?

I am here to tell you, “NO it is not worth it” you will know that after it is too late and you see the pain in your child that you had the power to prevent.

You may not have children at home, like me, they may be out of the house and on their own and you think you are free to make your own choices, that your choices will not affect them, you won’t drag them into your life and you can keep the two separate. Don’t kid yourself.

My greatest regret of my life is the way my relationship with the WOSPOS affected my son. My son only lived with my ex and I for brief periods of time throughout the 10 years and I tried to protect him from knowing the truth of what was going on but the WOSPOS was determined to drag my son into it for some sick reason only he can know. Why a grown man would taunt a 18 year old young man by saying things like, “I already hit your mom and I will hit you too you punk.” is beyond me. Why he would say that my son was welcome to come and stay and then refuse to let him have a room to sleep in is beyond me. Because he is a waste of skin and a sick son of a bitch is the only reason I can think of. The WOSPOS would love nothing better than to charge my son with assault, and is so stupid and so set on revenge or “winning” that he would taunt someone quite capable of doing him major damage because he is so sick and gets so into his plots that he forgets the consequences to himself. It is only because my son exhibited phenomenal self control that he didn’t pound the WOSPOS.

I hope one day someone does get revenge on my ex, I hope one day a big burly brother of some woman he screws over beats him to a pulp and kicks him to the curb; it is what he deserves in spades. He is a despicable person who deserves any harm that comes his way. But I don’t want my son to pay that price because the POS isn’t worth it.

I was at my son’s for dinner with him and his new girlfriend and the WOSPOS’s name came up because I was talking about Kato and I assumed my son would have told his girlfriend about WOSPOS. My son was in the kitchen and when he walked back onto the patio his girlfriend was saying, “No my son had never mentioned the WOSPOS.” As far as my son is concerned the WOSPOS does not exist, but when his name was brought up my son could not contain his hatred. I ended up throwing my arms around him and apologizing and all three of us held each other and cried. My son’s girlfriend tried to make him feel better and he said, “The %$#*& hit my mother, he ruined my mom’s life.” She, the sweetheart she is said, “You mom looks pretty good to me and her life doesn’t seem ruined to me.”

We made a vow to never bring up the wospos’s  name again, I will keep that vow. I regret ever bringing that piece of shit into my son’s life. I don’t know what kind of sick bastard would purposed apologize to a young man and beg for his forgiveness just so he could devastate the young man’s mother. Tell the young man that all he wanted was for the 3 of us to be a family and admit to everything he ever did wrong, cry and tell the young man that he loved the young man’s mother more than anything and vow to take care of his mom. Knowing the whole time it was a lie and he was living with another woman in another province. In his mind he is the all powerful super human who sucked in a mom and her son, he was patting himself on the back for his great acting skills and laughing about how gullible we both were and probably pretty proud of himself thinking about the discord it would cause between my son and myself. Or maybe it was just that he knew the best way to hurt me would be to hurt my boy. Who knows. Who cares what he reasons were for doing what he did, maybe it was just so he could get me to fund the fuel for his new trucking company, maybe it was to suck me into paying the new child support he promised to pay to the mother of the son he fathered 15 years prior, maybe it was the only way he could get me back and he would resort to any means to destroy me.

None of it matters now. the damage is done and I take responsibility for that because it was totally in my control, if I would have stayed no contact I never would have heard the lies about how he had been given 6 months to live, I never would have had to wonder if he was lying, I would have saved myself and my son from the sick ego building antics of the WOSPOS. This is one of those instances when “What you don’t know can’t hurt you” is true.

My son is a wonderful man, who lives his life honestly, he never uses any one for his own gain, he treats everyone with respect, he has a woman who sees his sweet giving nature and appreciates my boy for the man he is, a man of integrity.  A man who never exploits the good things he does to make himself look good. His girl friend told me she took him to meet friends of hers who are going through a bad time financially. She said nothing was said about the troubles they are going through but my son could see with his own eyes they didn’t have much food and had children etc. She said nothing was said after they left either but the next day my son arrived at the friends house with $100 worth of groceries he had bought. THAT is the kind of man my son is. The WOSPOS can only dream of having half the integrity of my son.

It is unlikely the WOSPOS will ever read this because he says that he has no interest in what I am doing and does not have a clue what I am doing with my life so obviously my IP tracker is malfunctioning; BUT  if by chance he does comes across this post I just want to say; don’t let your ego get the better of you and think you are some sort of real man because you were able to hurt a woman and suck in a young man who loves his momma. It only show what a sick bastard you really are and proves you are what I say you are and no matter what you say, no matter how many times you deflect your atrocious actions onto me, I know the truth and the truth is I wasted many years loving someone incapable of loving me back and I did nothing wrong other than put my trust and faith in someone who made his own selfish needs and wants a priority and to hell with anyone who got in his way.

To other victims out there who are uncertain about what to do when the narc in their life comes professing his love and begging once again for a 2nd chance learn from my mistakes, your actions will affect your children and anyone else that loves you long after the N has kicked you to the curb. This is much bigger than just you, the N might badmouth you to everyone they meet, blame you for the things they did to you; but YOU know the truth, the people who love you know the truth and you will never get the N to admit to what he did because he is sick. Cut your losses and choose to be happy, choose to be the mother, sister, daughter, brother, father, person you were meant to be, don’t let the N cast his black cloud over your life, don’t let his sickness invade your soul.

I spent the day with an old friend yesterday, she is one of my best friends and I think she is one of the kindest, giving, understanding people I know. I have never seen her angry, never seen her take advantage of anyone or act selfish in any way. I think the world of her. Last time we talked she was in a relatively new relationship and very happy, she thought he could be “the one”, so I asked how things were going. She had broken up with him. Of course I asked what happened.

She told me of 5 occasions where he talked to her disrespectfully or exhibited inappropriate anger, she had told him each time that she had not appreciated the way he treated her and he had never really owned it. He had given the same apology most of us have heard, “I am sorry but you……….. (something you did made me do what I did)” She said the last time she went home and thought about it for a day and then contacted him and said they needed to talk. She told him that he had anger issues that concerned her and she was giving him his key back and didn’t want to see him any more. Oh he tried to guilt her into changing her mind and she asked me what I thought. She said 95% of the time the relationship was wonderful. I told her I was so proud of her to stand her ground and walk away now, to listen to her gut and things never get better.

She did the healthy thing, she was not cruel, she was not selfish, she was not manipulative, she spoke her truth and she demanded respect. We are afraid to demand respect because if we make a stand we might have to walk away, but if you allow someone to disrespect you, you have lost the battle right then and there. It is only a matter of time before you are miserable and things are bad 95% of the time and you are trying to revive something that died long ago.