Tag Archives: Self doubt

The Lies We Use To Sabotage Our Happiness

This morning I listened to this TED Talk and want to share it with you. It discusses the false narratives we all have running in our heads.

I have covered this topic several times before but it is always worth repeating and sometimes people can receive the same information many times before something *clicks*.

I think most people deal with some sort of false narrative that runs through their head. A false belief instilled in you at a young age that you have continued to tell yourself over and over until it became part of your identity and influenced the choices you make, the people you associate with, the job you do, every aspect of your life.

Now, before I go any further, let me make it very clear, I am not victim blaming; but the narcissist is adept at feeding these negative false narratives and it’s how he controls his victims.

People always want to know how they can protect themselves from get tangled up with another narcissist. They think they must research every trait and nuance of narcissists so they can identify them. When actually, the best defense against a narcissist is to know, accept and love your true core self. Self doubt, needing acceptance, and guilt can not influence your choices if you believe in yourself.

My false narrative went something like this;

“Once people get to know you they will find out you don’t know what you are doing. You’re a fake.”

* Growing up I was always told what I should do in order to be successful, liked, accepted. For example, a good woman has a spotless house (my mother) a good wife gives her husband sex whenever he wants it, (my dad), a good wife is a great cook and hostess. Things that I did enjoy and was talented at were laughed at and ridiculed, like my writing (my father found my journal, called a family meeting and made me sit there while he read it out loud and laughed about my most private thoughts and feelings) My artistic talents were deemed; cute but not saleable.

* As a side note; my writing has made me money and helped thousands of people and my painting has kept my head above water for years and my landscaping is in high demand. They are the only things that have sustained me the last 10 years.

“You are overly sensitive, too emotional, something is really wrong with you, you’re a flake.”

* Something my father used to tell me, my brother heard it so often he believed it and joined in. Hard not to believe something when the two men you love the most telling you it’s a fact.

“You aren’t attractive, you are fat, ugly and you are going to have to try really hard to keep a man happy.”

My mother was always putting me on a diet because we both have a pear shaped figure. I look at pictures of myself now and I was not fat. I have gone my whole life feeling fat, had an eating disorder from 17 to 30 yrs old. My weight would jump 10 lbs in a weekend because I would binge and purge. When I stopped dieting, threw out my scale and started walking and working out my weight stablized and I’ve worn the same size slacks for 15 years. I remember being excited that a certain handsome fellow had asked me out and my mom said, “Hmmm I wonder why he asked you out?”

After leaving my ex I was so broken, felt so worthless and didn’t even know who the “old me” was so didn’t know how to put myself back together.

I had no choice but to dissect all the things I had been told about myself and determine if they were true or not. I knew if there was something about myself I didn’t like it was within my power to change it.

I found that when I listened to my gut and acted on what my core self felt was right and didn’t base my decisions on what I thought others thought I should do; life went much smoother and I never felt like a fraud or flake.

Listen to the TED Talk and tell me what your false narrative is in the comments below.

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If Leaving Was The Right Decision – Why Does It Hurt So Bad?

Quite a few people on the blog have just left or are planning to leave their relationship with someone they consider to be a narcissist. This applies to them and anyone else who has just left a relationship and is thinking maybe they made a mistake, because if it was that bad why does it hurt so bad?

Family and friends are surprisingly unsympathetic, it’s been 7 years for me and I still remember some remarks by people that really stung, like:

Why are you so sad? You should be happy to be free from him?

If it was so bad why are you so upset?

You guys have broken up before, you’ll get back together, you can never stay away from each other?

Self doubt does not mean it was a mistake, it means you are normal.

Here is a Matthew Hussey video on the topic of self doubt after a breakup. Do yourself a favor and take 5 minutes to listen, the link is right here.

If He Was So Bad Why Does It Hurt So Bad?

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I know whenever I broke up with guys before I met James I would hurt but I would be sure of my decision, I would go along in a relationship and at some point I would know, “This relationship isn’t going anywhere” and I would be able to walk away. But with James every we broke up I doubted myself and my decision.

It hurt! like I had never hurt before in any other relationship I had ended; and if it hurt this bad, then maybe I was making a mistake breaking up with him. If he was that bad, why did it hurt so much? And then there would be the friend whose well meaning advice or concern would give me reason to doubt my decision. “If you are this upset maybe it is a mistake” or they would mention they had seen him with another woman and they seemed so happy and I would think maybe it WAS my fault.

I just watched this Matthew Hussey video where he discusses this exact problem of self doubt.

In the past, often times I did stay friends with my ex’s, or have second thoughts, go on a few more dates and realize I was right to break up with them; but with the narcissist it is a different ball game. In the past I had dated “normal” guys, guys who may not be my type, or annoying, or lazy, or whatever the reason was for me breaking up with him, but he was not sick and twisted, they didn’t have evil intentions. When you are dealing with a narcissist, you are dealing with a sick individual who makes no sense, we try to figure out why he does what he does, and we assign him human emotions when he has only rehearsed and memorized emotions and only intends on causing us the most pain and confusion he can in order to feed his sick ego and need for control.

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The pain is normal, it does not mean you still love him or made a mistake leaving him, it means you need to take time to heal and in the case of a narcissist that includes no contact. You MUST keep reminding yourself that you are not dealing with a normal person and stop assigning him emotions and feelings he does not have.

If you need help with self doubt and getting past the narcissist join us in my new blog “No Reim’er Reason” just click on the donate button and pay $15 for a life time membership, price is only good until the new year and then new members will be paying a monthly fee. We have over 20 members now, come join us!! See you there! Live support from 11-1 Monday to Friday.