Tag Archives: Self doubt

Maybe I Was Wrong – Maybe I Am Crazy

One of the things that causes so much self doubt in the victim is the narcissist blames them for the narcissist actions or twists the facts, or tells the victim their way of thinking and feeling is wrong. James used to say that he could not handle my warped views, that I viewed life through a different lens than the rest of the world and I was basically whacked.

I told him I wasn’t afraid of being wrong, but I was not going to take his word for it. I challenged him to find one person, any person he chose would be fine with me, it could be a guy off the street, it could be his best buddy; bring them to me and in front of me tell them exactly what happens in our relationship and then ask them if I am wrong to be hurt or angry. If they say that I am totally whacked and out of touch with reality, I will get help and I will change. If you are so right and I am so wrong; prove it to me. He never did, because he knew he wouldn’t be able to find one person who could say he was right and I was wrong, not even his best buddy would be able to do it and he would never have admitted to anyone the things that he did. He knew it was wrong or he would not have hidden it or lied about it.

If a person knows they are right, without a shadow of doubt, they don’t hide what they are doing, they don’t expect you to not tell other people. James also used to accuse me of only telling people the bad things he did and never telling them the good things he did for me. I spoke very little about the bad things James did because I knew people would tell me to leave and think I was crazy for staying so I didn’t tell people what went on behind closed doors. I was ashamed of what I tolerated. But, even if I had; whatever happens behind closed doors in a relationship should be able to be talked about publicly; I am not saying you should share all your dirty laundry with everyone, somethings in a relationship deserve to be kept private. But with that said, there should never be a need for secrets,

If you feel bad telling someone how your partner treats you then you need to look at the relationship closer, are you settling for something you know is less than what you deserve?

Maybe If I Wouldn’t Have Gotten Angry – (the narcissist wouldn’t have left)

Thinking that they could have somehow prevented the narcissist from leaving them or abusing them is one of the main reasons victims stay and find it so hard to let go.

The narcissist leaves, immediately gets involved with another “love of his life” and appears so happy. The victim and the casual observer might believe it was the victim’s fault because the narcissist appears happy-go-lucky, loving, generous and caring. It is like living in the Twilight Zone where someone steals your personality and you are left empty like they used to be. He was doing everything I had wanted him to do, for the new woman, he was a mini ME and indignant that I would even suggest he might do something illegal or hurt me in any way.  Narcissists are constantly studying human nature and especially the character of their victim and they use the information, lines, beliefs, morals of their victims to hook the new victim. If you could be a fly on the wall you would hear him using the same lines he heard coming from you.

How sick yet ingenious is that?

The victim on the other hand wants to crawl out of their own skin, the intense emotions are scary and they feel out of control of their own mind and body. They feel soiled by the evil of the narcissist, like by association they are as evil as he is declaring them to be.  How did they get this way? Why are they this way? When did they lose control? and how the hell do they ever get back to the way they were?

How did it start? Once you understand and accept the relationship for what it is you will see very clearly the steps that got you to where you are.

The narcissist knows that history repeats itself and a good way to predict how a person will treat you is to look at their past relationships so they are usually very careful to isolate the victim from anyone who has witnessed his past transgressions, either by moving to a different town or by not allowing them to get close to those people who know the narcissist best. By not allowing the victim to get too close to his family he also ensures his family has no choice but to take his word for it when he professes he is the victim of a psycho bitch. His family ends up thinking he just makes poor choices in women.

Even if a family member does see the narcissist for what he is, they rarely “out” the narcissist and risk alienating their whole family and the family (even if they know deep down there is something extremely wrong) will cling to the hope that this new woman will change the narcissist with her special love.  If the narcissist feels there is any possibility that his family will tell the victim about his past he will go to great lengths to keep the victim away from them.

JC was quick to take me home to meet his family but I immediately felt an elephant in the room, the interaction between him and his family was stilted and not natural and warm. I felt ill at ease, which was not like me when I meet new people. When he told me that his family didn’t really like me, I felt hurt and it made sense why I felt uncomfortable. For the first 8 years we were together any time we were supposed to be going to his family’s he found a way to prevent it from happening and other times he went alone. I found out later that he told his family I didn’t want to visit them.

Without a track record of his past we are left to take his word for everything and he appeared so honest in the beginning, why wouldn’t we believe him?

If his ex is in the picture more than likely she is trying desperately to get him back, quite possibly even apologizing profusely. He isn’t taking her calls, you have heard him on the phone telling her that he has met the love of his life and is happy and to leave him alone. He says he doesn’t want to hide anything from you and shows you her texts, if she wants him back that badly he must be a great guy! If he was abusive why would she want him back? That’s what I thought when JC’s ex called him, if he was an asshole why would she even be his friend?

Victims like to think that the narcissist doesn’t realize the hurt he inflicts and he is so self-absorbed and unaware of how other people feel that he inadvertently hurts them but that is what they want you to believe. They know damn well what they are doing and will orchestrate events in order to manipulate the players in his life to give him the desired results. I played right into his plans even though I knew better. I knew exactly what he was doing yet I did it anyway. I called and begged him to not do this, even though I didn’t really want him back, I knew he was toxic, I didn’t respect him, I was embarrassed to admit he was my boyfriend so why was I begging him not to go with this new woman? Because he did it in such a cold callous and vindictive way, he blamed me for everything, he was cruel beyond anything I had ever experienced and I had been stripped of everything and it was obvious he had it planned all along and that was why he came back to me. I didn’t want to admit that I had been sucked in, that I willingly walked into his trap, I didn’t want to admit the truth. So I ended up helping him secure his next victim, my phone calls, him not answering my texts gave him everything he needed to secure his next victim. I proved I was unstable, madly in love with him (so he must be a great guy) and if she had any doubts about getting involved with him I erased them and she was thinking; “I am not going to lose this great guy, my love is special, he appreciates me so much, he is choosing me over her, I win!!!” The truth is, the narcissist wins!!

Then the abuse starts. As with most victims, JC would tell me if I would only do this or that he would be happy so I would give him exactly what he asked for and then he would be upset I did it, tell me to do something else and deny ever saying he wanted me to do the first thing. He had me running in circles, changing the rules daily, saying one thing then denying it. It drives a person crazy. There were times I totally lost it on him out of sheer frustration, I would shock myself with my reaction. Looking back I can see why it happened, there was no discussing anything with him. He twisted my words, corrected my grammar, twisted facts, accused me of things and I would end up defending myself, or he would simply refuse to discuss anything and walk away. Eventually, I would become a screaming bitch, desperate to be heard and understood; and he would say, “and you always say you love me, that’s really loving alright.” and I would immediately feel guilty and apologize.

I felt forced to do things I would never do ordinarily, like snoop, hide money, lie to him…… because I couldn’t trust him but all those things served to make me feel like a bad person and believe him when he said no other man would put up with me. Sometimes he would leave evidence of his infidelity for me to find, like when he “forgot” to sign out of his hotmail account and I saw his POF profile. He wanted me to find it, he wanted to get me upset, it was all part of the abuse, control and manipulation, reprogramming of my mind, breaking me.

I had never been like that in my life, but his refusal to admit things I KNEW to be true, the way he twisted my words, the way he rolled his eyes, walked out of the room while I was talking…… all drove me to the point of insanity.

I would leave because I didn’t like who I was with him and as soon as I was away from him for a while I would return to the calm rational person I had always been. As long as I could get away from him, I could date him; when he made me angry I would just go home, he couldn’t badger me if we lived apart. I always thought I had come up with the solution. “If I did this or acted that way or if I anticipated his needs” we could avoid the fights.

It became clear to me that the best way to keep him on his toes and treating me half way decent was to keep him guessing. As soon as I let him move in he would start treating me like shit again so I rationalized that I could keep the relationship alive by keeping it in perpetual “dating mode”. For a couple of years I didn’t allow him to move in and kept my own place, I never knew if we were a couple or not. He would show up at the door most nights. I didn’t let him bring anything in the house, not even a change of clothes because I knew if I gave him an inch he would take a mile, eventually his stuff would work it’s way in. It is not in my nature to not be loving and giving and I would weaken and let my guard down. As soon as I relaxed and showed love back or did something nice for him, he would pull away. Yet when I was aloof he complained I didn’t love him. I couldn’t win for losing. It was a constant tug a war. It was an impossible scenario to keep up.

He created the belief that even though we fought all the time, we were so in love we could not stay away from each other, we were destined to be together, we needed each other; I even had proof of it from God, whenever we were split  or I was fed up my truck would break down or he would get injured somehow. He promoted my faith in God and even created situations that could only be considered miracles, that I believe now were just elaborate ruses on his part. Read my post on the Bible here.

He kept me attached but never gave the relationship the nurturing needed for it to grow, he kept us in perpetual chaos in order to keep me from getting to really know him. The longer the relationship with a narcissist goes on the bigger the lies and deceit has to get and at some point the narcissist has to walk away or be exposed.

When the final discard comes he has to destroy the victim in order to confirm his story, he has to villainize the victim and become the victim themselves. In his mind it is him or them, he has to get everyone on his side in order to hook the new victim and alter history. He cannot just walk away amicably, what if you decided to expose him for who he really is? He has to discredit you before you discredit him.

When I finally found him at that woman’s house something snapped in me. It was a dead end street and my truck was facing the dead-end. I got in and drove to the end of the street, he didn’t even look at me and just sat in the car. I turned around at the end of the street and sat there facing the back of his car with the engine running. He was so cold and unresponsive, uncaring and I thought, “I’ll make you care, you son-of-a-bitch, you’ll care when I drive this truck right up your ass.” I revved the engine, I had straight pipes on the truck so it didn’t have the stock exhaust and it was loud, a F550 with a 7.2 L diesel engine that roared. I shifted it manually, revving the engine, the smoke billowing out of the pipes, I had enough room to build up speed and I am sure the whole block heard me barrelling down on him. I was going to drive over that damn car, that would wipe the smirk off his face and destroy his cockiness. At the last-minute I swerved around his car, as I went past I could see he was reading something and he didn’t even look up.

That was it, I drove away and cried for a couple of hours. I fell apart totally, called his sister and she came out to stay with me for a couple of days. Later of course I thought of all the rational things I should have done, like just take the car and park it a few blocks away and not tell him anything. It was MY car after all, I had every right to take it. But no matter what I would have done he would have been able to twist the story making himself a victim and ne the villain.

At the last-minute I was able to think clearly, see the consequences of my actions, I scared myself. I knew I could never live with myself if I killed him, but I can understand why some victims crack, driven insane by the manipulation, the disregard, the cold unfeeling abuse of their love, the denial of the truth.

There was a handful of times I did things I regretted but I always apologized and I never did it again.

When the narcissist starts his character assassination he peppers his lies with enough truth to be believable and to keep the victim quiet. The victim knows they acted irrationally and they are ashamed,  The narcissist knows the victim will be honest so all they have to do is embellish the truth. He even told me he was afraid to be alone with me because he didn’t know what I would do and I am sure the new woman was listening to his end of the conversation. When they make an accusation like that the victim doesn’t even try to explain to anyone because it sounds convoluted to their own ears and to defend themselves would take retelling the whole story of the relationship.

After we were no contact for a couple of months my conscience got the better of me and I wrote him an apology letter saying I wished him happiness and that I would always love him. I don’t really regret it any more because all it did was prove I was human. I forgive myself for every stupid thing I did because I was fighting with the devil blindfolded, I did the best I could.

I read comments from people and I see myself 4 years ago. All I can say is, Please do not beat yourself up and please stay no contact. You HAVE to remind yourself that it was all a huge plot on his part and any further contact with him, blaming yourself, or even anger is only helping him weave his web of lies and set the trap for the next one. Save some of your dignity and self-respect, come in here and spill your guts but don’t pick up that phone, don’t send that text message or email.

If it gets really bad, if you feel you just HAVE to apologize, get closure, “be friends” , get a piece of paper and a pen, sit down and;

– write out all the times you acted like a nutcase and what the events leading up to it were. If you just lost it for no reason, then maybe you do owe him an apology, maybe he isn’t a narcissist.

– list all the things you could have done to make him happy that you refused to do but his new woman will do without hesitation. ie: work and pay all the bills, buy him all the toys he wants and never buy anything for yourself, reject your children, etc

– make another list of all the things you denied him that any other woman would have accepted without question. -ie: him watching hours of porn, dating other women, not coming home at night………

– Now make a list of all the times you wrongly accused him of; infidelity, got angry for no reason, screwed around on him, denied him sex for no reason.

 

 

When You Start Blaming Yourself – Read This

When you start to be filled with self-doubt or do what I think all victim’s of a narcissist do; think of a million ways you could have saved the relationship.

When you start mentally listing all the times you lost control and screamed at your ex like a psycho fishwife

When you remember all the times you refused to have sex or weren’t as active or agreeable participant as your ex would have liked

When ever friends tell you that it takes two to make or break a relationship

When your ex takes great pleasure in telling you how the new woman is nothing like YOU, she is perfect and his soul mate, he doesn’t have to lie to HER.

When you start to think that maybe you should go back because you can think of at least a dozen times you weren’t as nice as you could have been.

Just to show you how far-fetched this thinking can get. I never used to wear a bra. I didn’t wear one when I met James and I didn’t wear one for our whole relationship, because I am small busted and really don’t need one, to be perfectly honest. It was not a fact that I hid, he knew I was small busted from the first time he met me and most certainly the first time we had sex, yet he never once complained. Well, he didn’t actually come right out and say, “I wish you had boobs.” but I got the message when he stayed up all night glued to a website called, “Big Busted Babes” or I glimpsed pictures he had downloaded from women where the women showed their ample cleavage. Then there was the time our friend Chuck was over and telling us that he was an “ass-man” and the size of a woman’s breasts didn’t interest him, in fact he preferred small busted women. James argued with him, “Oh come on Chuck, ALL men like boobs.” Chuck had insisted that, “He didn’t, he liked a nice round ass, and didn’t care about breasts at all.” I silently thanked Chuck as I sat uncomfortably listening to the two of them discuss whether Chuck liked boobs or not. It was obvious that James had a point to make and I finally said, “It’s obvious you got the wrong woman if you like boobs.” He didn’t say anything.

After we split I bought a bra, I hadn’t even looked at bras for years and someone had told me about padded push-up bras and I thought I would give them a try.  I was impressed, I almost had cleavage! So I bought two bras and then it hit me, “Why didn’t I buy them sooner? It’s all about how things look to a narcissist, maybe if I had bought a padded bra sooner James wouldn’t have gone looking elsewhere, maybe he would have loved me more.”

So now that I have revealed how warped my thinking had become, I hope you can see how crazy our thinking can get after leaving a narcissist.

When the walls are closing in on you and you feel a need to call the narcissist, confess your sins, apologize and beg his forgiveness so he will tell you that you are a good person go to this link instead. Chumplady