Tag Archives: Self-employment

Being self-employed

Two Years of Healing in Review

Here is another post from the past I thought worthy of a repost.

Two Years In Review

Posted on December 31, 2012

It is 2 years, 29 days since I loaded up what few possessions I had and limped my truck and my broken heart to a friend’s.

It is 1 yr 9 mth since I found him at P’s house & he moved in with M.

Its just over a yr since I discovered his blog and and the depth of his lies.

It is 1 year & 1 mth since he came to me in tears apologizing and telling me he always loved me.

Its been about 8 months since I found out he had fathered a child in Africa.

It has been 1 yr, 11 mths and 12 days since I attempted suicide.

At times I would hurt so bad I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.
No family support, no money, no friends, not because I didn’t have old friends that wanted to get together, but because so much had happened since I last saw them, I didn’t have a clue what to say to them.
I knew they’d never understand what I’d been through, plus I was no where near the person they had known. I had been pretty, self sufficient, independent, humorous, stylish, confident and now I was a shell.
Slowly, oh so very slowly I have found myself again.
I am not the person I was before JC, I could never be that person again.
Once you have slept with the devil; you can never be the same; you lose your innocence.
Once you have slept with the devil you know true evil exists,
you have looked it in the eyes and it almost swallowed you up. Forever more you will have the knowledge that there are people on this earth who have no concern, compassion or conscience,
They have no soul.

That has to change a person.
I prolonged my recovery because I just could not let go. Why? When he had destroyed me? Why did I want him back, why did I beg him, why did I allow him to even enter my home? I can’t believe it now when I look back. Its not that I believed him; I was long past being that naive. I didn’t respect him; how could I respect someone with no morals or values? I was afraid to admit he was my b/f because I didn’t want people to associate me with him. Yet I took him back time after time.

You know what?
I don’t care any more why, I don’t even care if he is happy. I am not totally healed by any means. Being in Surrey where he lives, for my air brakes course showed me I still have wounds that aren’t totally healed. Being in a place I knew I could run into him or he might see me, or I might see “them” totally threw me; no correction; it didn’t totally throw me but it certainly made me feel things I didn’t want to feel. I was nervous, I thought I saw him numerous times and every time I did my heart would stop, my stomach would be sick and I would be frozen, staring at him until I could identify it wasn’t him. I wouldn’t have approached him if I had seen him; I am afraid of the control he had over me and to speak to him would be leaving myself open to evil. But I dreamed about him every night; they were bad dreams, always other women and me crying.

Its strange, but very early in our relationship; long before all the other women and the mind games I had a dream where he was with another woman and they were laughing at me. They had their arms wrapped around each other and she was feeling very smug and he was cruel beyond belief. I woke up from that dream crying and realized he wasn’t in bed, he was on the computer. I went to him in tears expecting him to comfort me and tell me it was just a bad dream, but when I told him about my dream he was cold and acted annoyed. If only I would have listened to what my instincts were telling me.

You know what I attribute my healing to?
Acceptance.
I have accepted that he is evil, pure evil; it is what I believe in my heart. Pure evil does not change.
I have accepted I was manipulated, lied to, abused and I went back for more.
I have accepted that he destroyed alot of what made me me.
But he didn’t destroy me; not my soul, not ME.
I have even accepted that quite possibly he is happy with M. She doesn’t work, she has always been happy to be a housewife waiting for the man to come home; she has never worked outside the home. She has enough money that he doesn’t have to contribute to the household finances and can spend any money he makes on himself. She has a house so he has a roof over his head. She has never had children so there is no one taking attention away from him. He has bought himself a truck (like my old one and has my winch on it) a Harley, an old chev pickup he is restoring, I gather she/he has a nice home, she has supper waiting for him when he gets home, they have taken vacations and she owns summer property on an island off the coast. When he expounded on her attributes he listed:
She is interested in what he has to say
She gets his sense of humor
She is frugal
She is pretty talented with her hands and can make things
She has some pretty good ideas sometimes.
(his words)
If she is happy with him and doesn’t expect him to hold down a job, and doesn’t mind depending her husbands life insurance money keeping him happy more power to them. They should last until she runs out of money, needs him for some reason like she gets sick, a parent dies or she catches him cheating.I thought realistically about her and I and we are so different. I could never be happy spending my whole life catering to a man without any independence. It isn’t even remotely possible he would have ever been happy with me. For one thing I have a son who I love, I have a dog/dogs I love, I don’t have an inheritance for him to spend
I have to work, I have interests other than his, I am unhappy locked up in the house all day without a vehicle. I want to leave my mark on the world, I want the world to be a better place because I was here. I want to learn, grow, share, improve myself, change, I never want to stagnate.
I don’t want to change the man I am with, I don’t want to be my partners conscience, I don’t want to be suspicious, I don’t want to walk on egg shells or be afraid to say what I am feeling. I don’t want to fear the man I love. I could never be with him and be happy.

When I realized that it was so much easier to heal. I had been so focussed on why didn’t he want me that I totally missed the fact that I don’t want him.
I hate evil, I don’t like the blackness that hangs over me when he is in my life.
It seems as soon as I accepted the fact that I deserve to be happy and started being the person I want people to know me as, things started to fall into place. Once I went totally no contact there was room for the goodness to come into my life and maybe I was able to recognize the goodness because my focus wasn’t on the evil.
I started viewing my experiences with JC as things that made me stronger. Like, once you’ve slept with the devil and survived you can do anything. Now I do things I never would have had the courage to do before. I am more out going. I reach out to people who are in need because I know how much I appreciated others kindness when I was down.

I am a better person for my experiences with JC. I don’t thank him for it, I don’t forgive him for the things he did. I could have lived quite nicely without ever having had the experiences but seeing as I have I might as well make the best of them.

I am looking forward to 2013 more than I have ever looked forward to a new year like I am this one.

Footnote: It is now the end of July and even though I just got out of the hospital for heart failure and don’t have any money coming in I am the happiest I have been in years, I don’t know if I have ever been this content with my life and positive about the future.

Posted by Carrie Reimer the Lady WithaTruck

 

Sometimes 55 is Just Too Old

Life has its twists and turns that’s for sure, MY life anyway has always been a series of detours. It seems I never have long before there is a “change in direction” . Yesterday was one of those days, a “detour” day, I am still digesting everything.

I have mentioned before that I have been asking for a meeting with management, I have been making a list of areas that I thought they could improve productivity, I had some questions and most importantly I wanted a job description.

It was my belief I was hired as PR, someone who was out in the public representing the company and getting the company name out there, work with charities, and do pick ups when necessary. I was told that they didn’t care who brought the scrap through the gate as long as it came through their gate, so I gave people the option; I can haul it in for you or you can haul your own and get more money.

I was told I could take the truck home and I was told I could have the dogs with me and I was told to just carry on doing what I had always done, only I was not the Lady Witha Truck any more.

As it turns out since I started there has been a huge rearranging of duties and downsizing. They have closed three of their locations and combined two locations into one. The person that hired me is not the person now in charge. I was told the dogs could no longer ride with me so C built me a dog kennel at the house which has worked out really well but I have been plagued with guilt and indecision about Laila.  Laila is a “special needs” dog, she is extremely attached to me, very hyper and needs a lot of exercise and she is aggressive to other dogs. My new place has 3 pugs next door that torment my dogs every time they go outside. In fact any time I am out in the yard they bark incessantly at me and even chased me and my dogs back into my house one day because they were loose and of course my dogs would win the battle but I didn’t want their blood on my hands. Kato by himself isn’t as aggressive but even he hates those dogs next door. Anyway I was considering getting rid of Laila because I felt it was unfair that I was gone all day and she wasn’t getting any exercise, but then I was afraid she wouldn’t get a new home that would appreciate her good traits and she might end up being a guard dog at some yard, left alone all the time and just getting more aggressive or beaten for her strong will. I contemplated putting her down because it would be kinder than her living a horrible life somewhere else but the thought of that was more than I could bare. I was feeling I had totally dropped the ball and let her down. I hate not living up to my commitments and responsibilities. It was tearing me apart. And poor Kato, he’s ridden with me his whole life and would lay across the door way in the mornings in hopes I wouldn’t leave him behind. I know they are “just dogs” and I complied with the new rules, my job was more important and I understood that other people didn’t think it was fair I brought mine to work and they couldn’t bring theirs.

So long story short, I got laid off yesterday. They want to put a young guy on the truck, someone who can really chuck steel. They were really good about it and are going to buy me my own truck and any small jobs they get they will pass along to me. They won’t be doing small jobs any more.

They just bought me $500 in Carhardts and spent another $200 on safety boots which I get to keep and I can pay back the truck over time when I bring steel in. It is very fair of them and they paid me a weeks severance plus my full wages for this pay period. I can’t say anything wrong except there was a huge lack of communication but I suppose that is as much my fault for not pushing harder for a meeting.

At the time I was hired I was not making it with the little truck I had and I was living in a hell hole. Working for them got me into this place which probably wouldn’t have happened if |I had been self employed and I will have a better truck for the job. I guess I am meant to be the Lady Witha Truck and this is all a blessing in disguise. but it is hard on the ego to admit I am too old to compete with the young bucks.

Right now it is hard because I am getting calls from customers and I don’t have a truck and all \I want to do is get out there and work. That old panicky feeling wells up inside me.

I am trying to force myself to see the bright side and use the time to do the much needed yard work but so far the most I have done is give Laila a bath. btw she didn’t like her first bath much. lol

I think what bothers me more than anything is letting people down.

My Headless Friend

Taken Thanksgiving 2012

Just wait until my teeth are fixed

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My headless friend is a really good friend who drives transport and was in town Monday so a few of us met for coffee. I met my HF when JC and I were living in WalMart parking lot, he had seen JC’s tractor and had come over and said hi. JC called me saying I had to come to the Best Western and meet this cool guy he’d just met. My HF is quite simply one of the nicest guys I’ve met, he is Christian and can quote scripture like no one I have ever met besides JC’s mother but he isn’t pushy about it. And of course seeing as HF was Christian JC was also. All of a sudden JC was all into going to church, saying Grace every meal, and HF became his best friend immediately. (I found with JC he was the same with his male friends as he was with women, he became fast friends with guys immediately and would be calling them constantly, doing them favors, giving them gifts, taking on their views and beliefs and almost idolizing them. But something would happen, JC would screw them in a deal or they would accuse him of stealing or he would start jerking them around, not showing up etc and they would get angry with him)

I didn’t want to post HE’s face without his permission but I like the picture and Lou had requested a picture of me in my skinny jeans so there I am in my skinny jeans trying to stifle a smile. By the way, I am finally going to get the last of my dental work done this Friday so there should be smiling big time in a few weeks. Wooohooo

I had a really good weekend, one of the best I’ve had in over two years. My mom emailed me on Saturday to see if I wanted to go out for supper Sunday. She picked me up and we went to the Dewdney Pub and had a really excellent turkey dinner. My HF called Saturday to see if I wanted to get together on Monday with him and 2 other guys. So Monday afternoon I had a good couple hours visit with them and then went to visit another friend. She had mail for me from the trailer park and there was a cheque from the coop for me for $125.

My weekends are usually so depressing and long weekends even worse but I felt great. I gave myself a French manicure, talked to my son, my cousin, text messaged my contact list to say Happy Thanksgiving, JC’s sister Denise dropped in on my blog and commented on my post ” Poverty is For Other People” saying it was really well done. I was so touched her took the time to comment.

None of that is that special, do you wanna know what made it really special?
I didn’t talk about JC all weekend except in casual passing. HF asked if I had talked to him lately because JC never returns his phone messages or emails and I just said, “No but his step dad called me the other day to see if I’d tslkrx to him because he isn’t returning their calls either.” I am no longer the “go to person” when anyone is looking for JC, That in itself felt great.

I talked about what I want to do with my life, my new career ideas, my blog, my dogs, but not JC!! You know why I didn’t talk about JC? Because he doesn’t matter any more. He does not control me or consume me any more. I look at a picture of him and feel ill at the thought that I actually loved someone who was capable of the things he did. I don’t know who that woman was who allowed a man to treat her with such disrespect, who thought her life wasn’t worth living because he said so. As we were parting my HF yelled after me as I walked to my truck, “Hey! Carrie, you looking really good!”

I laughed and said, “thankyou! Wait until you see me with my new teeth, I’m gonna be HOT!” and I meant it.

Now I just have to get out of this damn trailer and I will be able to truly move on. I’ll fill you in on my career plans another post when I get some things lined up but I am excited.

Oh! And out of the blue my camera on my phone just started working again! Go figure! Things are looking up, could it be true that when you cut the evil out of your life it makes room for the good to come in? Stay tuned to find out. 😉