Tag Archives: self growth

The Overwhelming Panic Of Rejection

I had never experienced it until I fell in love with my ex; overwhelming panic at the thought of losing him.

I had breakups in the past and been terribly sad and crying, but for some reason I absolutely panicked when he rejected me. We would have an argument over something insignificant that he would be relentlessly badgering me about; some accusation of wrong doing on my part, then he wouldn’t allow me to defend myself and walk away.

He twisted my words and refused to listen when I spoke from the heart.

I hadn’t always been able to speak my feelings and make myself understood. But I had taken college courses on communicating effectively because it was important to me that I could express myself clearly, without shame or anger.

I had been painfully shy and highly sensitive as a child and because I didn’t know how to express myself, I had cried alot. Crying had angered my father and I had been told, “You want something to cry about? I’ll give you something to cry about!” Or, “get out of my face if you’re going to cry!” I used to get headaches alot, had an ulcer at 10 yrs old and by the time I was 17, I had an eating disorder that I struggled with all through my 20’s.

I had been to counseling after my first marriage failed because I didn’t want to repeat the same mistakes. I knew I hadn’t been perfect, I wanted to understand myself better in order to be better.

By the time I met the narcissist, I was in my mid 40’s and felt, for the first time in my life; I was truly ready for a healthy love relationship. And the narc seemed to see and appreciate that fact about me. He used to say I was the first woman he had ever dated who was calm and rational. We could discuss anything. I understood him. He was 10 years younger than me and I felt he was rather naive. He was so enamoured with me, I feared I might hurt him and I told myself I had to be careful to not lead him on and not to hurt him. I was a very independent, self sufficient woman who was turned off by love sick puppies.

He wanted to see me all the time. He introduced me to all his friends, took me to meet his family, insisted I talk to his mother on the phone. He told me to answer his phone, gave me a house key, he arrived when he said he would and called if he was late. I had never met a man like him. When I got that uncomfortable feeling in my gut I told myself, it was because I wasn’t used to being treated so well. I thought I would be crazy to walk away from someone who loved me that much. I fought the urge to dump him.

Rejection doesn’t feel good, no matter who is rejecting you. You may not even like the person that much but the minute they reject you, you wonder, “Why would they reject me? What’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong?”

Fear of rejection is normal but it can become immobilizing and all consuming when you rely on others to give you your self-worth. At times when you are consumed with the fear of rejection you need to step back and not act on your fears. When you feel that fear growing in your belly, that irrational need for their approval envelops you, instead of giving into it and panicking; take a walk, and give yourself time to think clearly and self counsel.

Some things to think about;

Is this rejection or does the person just need some alone time?

Are they going through something?

It’s not all about you. Are you being self centered?

Did you do anything that would have hurt the person? If you did, do you owe them an apology? Then, apologize.

If you don’t feel you did anything wrong, they are obviously angry with you, and you have tried to explain your position, yet they are still rejecting you. Respect their wishes and give them space. Some times a person needs time to process information and accept that they were wrong. You are not going to “fix” anything by forcing the other person to discuss the issue. You may be thinking, “but I can’t let it go until it’s resolved.” My answer to that is, “Yes you can. You have to practice self control, divert your mind, do something else. You are in control of your reactions, in fact; it’s the only thing you CAN control. You certainly can’t control another person.

What is the worst thing that can happen? They end the friendship and never tell you why. Right? So what? If that happens, the world will continue to spin, you will continue to live, nothing will change, you won’t be less valuable, YOU won’t be any different than you were yesterday. You might feel a little lonelier, but hopefully you have other friends, if not you can make more friends.

All we can do is be the best person we can be, not every one is going to like us, we have to accept we aren’t perfect, neither are our friends. But, if you are your authentic self, you will attract people into your life who genuinely like you for you.

I ran into an old friend the other day and they said, “I love running into you. You always seem so happy to see me, like running into me, made your day.”

I said, “Because I genuinely am happy to see you. Running into you always makes my day”. It was a “feel good” moment that kinda says it all. My world wouldn’t change if this person wasn’t in my life, I don’t see them very often, but I like them, I am happy they are my friend, I value them, I show them I value them, but my self worth is in no way connected to whether they like me or not.

Inner Peace And Where To Find It

Inner-Peace

First of all what is inner peace? I have had people who challenge me when I say I have inner peace because my life is not blissful and I am not always happy happy happy, so how can I have inner peace?

Here is one definition taken from this site

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Definition_Inner_Peace.html

One meaning of peace refers to inner peace: a state of mind, body and perhaps soul, a peace within ourselves. People that experience inner peace say that the feeling is not dependent on time, people, place, or any external object or situation, asserting that an individual may experience inner peace even in the midst of war.

The really great thing about inner peace is; you are in total control of it, no one else can ever mess with it, no one else can give it to you, so consequently, no one can take it away.

Like I was saying in my last post, I was broken in a million pieces, filled with pain and self doubt, didn’t have a clue who I was any more, suicidal, hopeless, and desperate to find a way to carry on. That is when I unwittingly went on my quest to find inner peace. I thought I was trying to survive, I didn’t know where the journey was going to take me or that I would end up being grateful for everything that happened to me because the end reward was so monumental.

In an attempt to find myself and find a way to carry on, because I didn’t even know who I was any more; I decided to take everything my ex said I was and honestly assess if it was true. I kept beating myself up over not trying harder, the new woman must be doing something better than me, my ex loved to rub my nose in the fact that he didn’t have to screw around on her, he didn’t have to lie to her, she was calm and rational, nothing like me.

I could definitely see there had been times I was not perfect, I also knew I had apologized and never done it again if I did something wrong. I knew I had been honest with him and faithful the whole 10 years. I asked myself ( We all know when we have screwed up, even if we don’t admit it, I forced myself to be totally honest with myself, I knew it was the only way I was ever going to deal with the whole thing) was he right?

When I looked at it honestly and asked myself honestly, “What more could I have done?” I had to admit, There was nothing more I could have done, no more compromises I could have made. I asked myself what could I have done differently? and I honestly could not come up with one thing, except; I could have and should have left earlier because he had ignored every single boundary I had, and I had to admit; he could not have done that if I had not let him.

I could not stand the thought that I was responsible for destroying the greatest love of my life, so once I had resolved within myself that I had indeed done all I could to save the relationship and make it work I was able to start on myself.

The next thing I had plaguing me was; was he treating the new woman better than he treated me? Was she reaping the reward of all my hard work? Did she love him better than I had? what was she doing different? I drove myself crazy. Then I remembered the serenity prayer and the truth it speaks; we only have control over our own actions and we have to let go of what we have no control over.

Don’t think I never had those haunting voices in my head saying maybe it was my fault, ever again; because to this day they will sneak in when I let my guard down. Out of nowhere I will hear in the distance of my mind a voice that is barely discernible, “Maybe it was you, maybe his new woman loves him better, maybe he has changed, maybe it was all your fault.”

Something you may not realize is this; our brain only knows what we put in it, it does not control us, we control it. We do have the power to change what we think about. The problem is, the narcissist pounded into our heads that if we only would do this or that, or it was our flaws that drove him to be abusive, cheat, leave us. Our brain isn’t able to discern whether it is the truth or not; logically we know it is not the truth but our brain is so accustomed to taking the blame for everything it is our “go to” reaction. Another thing you may not realize is; every time we think those negative thoughts we are embedding the thought deeper into our psyche and making it harder to change our thought patterns. We need to stop our brain when we find it focusing on the lie and retrain it to believe the truth.

What IS the truth? You know the truth, you have always known the truth, you just didn’t want to believe it. I wasn’t in your relationship, but still, if you were involved with a narcissist I can pretty well tell you how your relationship went and I know, just from living life, watching other people, listening to my gut……

How-Does-Islam-Give-Inner-Peace-02

Here are some truths:

  1. An abusive person is never abusive to only one person in their lifetime, they have a history of abusing people.
  2. There is no way you are such a bad person that a normal loving caring man HAD to abuse you and only you.
  3. No one can fall in love in a matter of a couple of weeks, they can be infatuated, they can be in lust, they can be in really big “like” but not in love.
  4. No one can make another person an asshole, we don’t have the power to make someone as asshole any more than we have the power to stop being an asshole.
  5. IF he was THAT miserable being with you he should have left long ago and not played the push pull game, keeping you walking on egg shells wondering what the hell was going on.
  6. You did everything you could to make him happy and he kept changing the rules and was never happy, you were never going to find the “magic” combination that would have kept him happy and neither will the new “soul mate”.
  7. YOU were not happy!! this is the big one!! you were so busy trying to figure out how to make him happy you totally ignored the fact that you were miserably unhappy and cried almost daily because of the way he treated you.
  8. The relationship was over a long time ago, you just refused to accept it.
  9. He proved to you time after tie he did not respect you and was not really concerned about losing you or he would have treated you better.
  10. Even IF things are great with his new woman, they were horrible with you, he treated YOU like shit, you can’t do anything about how he treats the new woman, but you have total control over how he treats you.

In my next post I will talk about putting the pieces of me back together against and started to become my most authentic self.