Tag Archives: serenity

3 Million Hits

Three Million Hits!! Compared to many blogs out there, 3 million is no big deal when they are spread out over almost 7 yrs, but for me it is mind blowing that, that many people found value in what I had to say. The fact that I have almost 3000 followers who actually signed up for more posts from me is equally unbelieveable! As I have said before; when I first started my blog my only hope was that some day, some random woman would be searching the net trying to figure out, “what the hell happened to me?”, stumble upon my blog and know she is not alone. 

My tag line at the time was something like; “I don’t know where I am going but you are welcome to join me on my journey to find answers.”

It took a few months before I even had one hit; and that almost gave me an anxiety attack! It was fine and dandy as long as no one was actually reading what I wrote. I started to realize I was far from alone with my pain and confusion, I was getting hits from all corners of the world, from straight people to gay, rich and poor, young and old, religious and atheist, men and women; there was an epidemic world wide!! And there weren’t a lot of people talking about it, not honestly, there were blogs that told you what to do, leave. But no one was talking about the insanity of living with a narcissist, the roller coaster ride of emotions, gas lighting, manipulation and how absolutely helpless the victim feels. I remember the first time I decided to share some of the absolutely bizarre things my ex did; I was so afraid everyone would think I was crazy, lying, or deserving of the abuse I received, but the response I got was the exact opposite! I had more comments than ever before, people saying, “OMG! That happened to me too” or “It’s like you lived my life”.

It seemed the more personal experienced I shared the more people could relate to what I was saying and I felt an even greater responsibility to speak honestly and openly AND to not give up on my journey to find answers and ultimately heal myself. I couldn’t very well kill myself when I had all these people coming to me for answers, I didn’t want anyone to think dying was the answer. 

I look back now over the almost 7 years since I started this journey and I am amazed at; how my life has changed, how much I have grown, how much I have learned about myself and other people, and how rewarding the blog has been and how my attitude has changed from 7 years ago. I no longer think of my ex as the worst thing that ever happened to me and now view him as the catalyst to one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Don’t get me wrong, in no way do I believe he ever had any intention of being a positive influence in my life. I give myself credit for turning a negative into a positive and not allowing him to destroy me as he intended.

It has been a gradual thing and I have had my obstacles along the way that I can’t blame on my ex, but I learned one very important thingthrough the blog, I can be totally honest about my mistakes, voice my honest opinion and I am accepted and even liked for who I am. I never knew inner peace, no matter how strong I had been or obstacles I over came prior to meeting my ex; I never had true inner peace and had always struggled with self doubt.  I learned one very important truth through all this, self doubt comes from not living true to your core self, it comes when we try to be someone we are not, someone we think other people want us to be, because we feel like an impostor. I also learned that I don’t want to change who I am, I may not like everything about myself but I am a work in progress and I will strive to be a better person until the day I die. I also learned that we all screw up and we can all make amends, get back on the horse, forgive ourselves and make tomorrow a fresh start. Living with regret serves no useful purpose, learn from the past, yes; but to dwell on the past only ruins your future and to worry about the future and what might happen ruins your today. 

I had always worried I would never find my purpose for being here. Finding their purpose is not something everyone concerns themselves with but I feel I my purpose is the same as everyone’s purpose, be the best person I can be and help others if I can; by sharing my experiences and what I have learned. 

I was afraid that when I was unable to post to the blog it would die and fade away, but it continues to grow (albeit at a slower pace) and attract followers. Just the other day I received another thank you from someone who was helped by the blog. I always appreciate hearing from people who were helped in some way but as with any time I give, whether it is money, time or compassion; over the years I have received so much more back.

So today I want to thank you, my followers and readers. Thank you for sharing your story, for your support, (emotionally and financially) throughout the years. Thank you for coming along on my journey. Although I would say I am healed, my journey continues because it is a life long journey of self discovery and acceptance.

I was with Stella yesterday and she was laying in the sun. Some people were walking by andshe got up to greet them. They said what a lucky dog she is to have a mom a who provides her such a good life. I replied that she has never known anything else and probably doesn’t fully appreciate how good she has it. I thought for a second and added, “her momma has it pretty good also”.  I may not like where I live, I may not be where I had thought I would be at this age but all in all, right now; my life is good.  I always think about the serenity prayer

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change

Courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Merry Christmas

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It’s Christmas morning and I am all alone, listening to Christmas carols, drinking a French Vanilla coffee, having a smoke (bad,bad maybe in the New year I will quit) and looking at the news knowing that there are people who come to this blog who are without power, unable to travel and being beaten by storms. I pray for everyone battling storms this Christmas Day. I pray for everyone battling an emotional storm today.

One person has been on my mind for days and it is Fee, my prayers go out to her because I know she is having an emotional storm right now.

The one thing about storms, they all eventually pass, but often times they leave destruction behind and people have to face the ugly task of rebuilding and no matter how devastating the storm was life goes on. A person can be immobilized with grief and yet the world around them goes on and we have too also.

Too many victims of a narcissist stayed too long, didn’t heed the warnings of the up coming storm, thinking they were strong enough to weather the storm or that they had nothing to lose and found out differently. But even those of us who thought their love could concure anything, even a narcissist, have to carry on with whatever we are left with and for those of you dealing with that battle today the only hope I can give you is that this too shall pass. The sun will come out again, it always does, if you are patient and take the time to look towards the sun.

We are heading into a new year and although I feel healed from the pain of JC I still suffer the consequences of thinking my love was special and enough to change him. I don’t remember how many times I told him, and truly believed; that he would never find a woman who would love him as much as I did. I now realize that many women loved him the way I did, and many more will.  I can remember feeling sorry for him because I left him and how he would realize some day what he had lost, be sad and filled with regret. hahaha How egotistical of me, I am almost embarrassed to admit now that I felt so superior to other women, that he would treat other women like dirt but my special love would earn me preferential treatment. Sure all narcissists screw around on their partner, but not JC, he was the exception to the rule. Where a narcissist is concerned there are no exceptions to the rule; everyone is treated with equal distain and if you aren’t you just haven’t been with him long enough.

Am I happy? is this where I thought I would be at 55 with a 30 year old son? Hell NO! I had envisioned by this time in my life I would have been married to the love of my life for many years, my son would be coming for Christmas dinner with children in tow. I would have the turkey in the oven by now and the house would be decorated, and I’d be frantically getting things ready for the big family dinner. But I am not sad about the way things are, I feel very blessed.

My son and I talked two days ago, he is going to work today, he has many friends in Regina and is invited for dinner to several homes but like he said, Christmas morning is for family. His room mate is gone for Christmas so he will be alone this morning opening his gifts from me. He told me he is going to work because everyone else has someplace to be but they have work piled up and he can use the money, why sit at home alone. That may sound sad and at first it made me sad to hear it but like he said, we had the opportunity to spend  a week working together, and a few days just before Thanksgiving, it is after all just another day and like every other day it only has 24 hours and when that 24 hours is up the new day begins. He thanked me for his birthday letter and I told him I meant every word, he tells me he loves me every single time we talk. He cherishes me and the rest of his family, he wishes things were different and he could see his daughter at Christmas, but he can’t and until she is older he won’t be a very big part of her life. I wish it was different too but no amount of wishing is going to change things. Like I said to him, if I was made to make a choice between the time we had working beside each other and the week we had before Thanksgiving for spending the actual holiday with him I would take the time we had hands down. If he were to fly out for Christmas it would be so busy we wouldn’t have any time together, he would be pulled every which way trying to see his dad, me, his extended family and friends, it would cost him triple for the flight, and everyone would end up feeling unfulfilled.

I look back over the last year and where I was last year this time; in that hell hole of a trailer, with no toilet or running water, the dog’s water dish freezing, dead mice in my water bucket, sleeping with my boots and parka on, with two quilts and my dogs for warmth and still being cold and I look around me at my perfect little tree, I am wearing a t-shirt and shorts sitting by my electric fireplace watching the ducks swim in the lake, I have a healthy son, my brother is alive and in my life, both my parents are alive and especially my mom who is back in my life and loved me enough to do the work to understand what I have been through. So, so, far from where I was last year but in actual fact only a few miles from where I was living. Will I be here next year, who knows; only God knows and he keeps secrets.

I am making a resolution to be more aware of the opportunities that come my way and I am going to try more positive thinking and visualizing what I want in life, maybe I will even do a vision board. I know one thing for certain, I do have some control over whether I am happy or not.

I haven’t kept count but I know from the many emails and comments that me being here sharing my experiences and providing a platform for others to share and support each other has saved lives. That is HUGE and makes anything I went through with JC so worth it. If I was given the choice of going back in time and not meeting JC would I do it knowing that by doing so lives would be lost? hmmmm tough question, not really, I wouldn’t because so much good came out of the whole fiasco. I wouldn’t want to take the chance of losing all the good just to get rid of an asshole that wasn’t worth the tears I shed.

I think of Shirley who is fighting to prove her son did not die of natural causes and was murdered, Kim who fights to stop Domestic Abuse because she lost her sister to her abusive husband in a murder suicide, the woman, a fellow blogger, and her son who were recently murdered by her abusive ex the day after the police gave him his guns back and lifted the restraining order. Their storm never ends, but they carry on and speak out so their loved one didn’t die in vane.

There are things that we can’t change, and then there are things we can do something about and I am choosing to focus on the things I can change, the positive difference I CAN make and JC, his inflated ego and sadistic enjoyment in destroying people can rot in hell.

As we all head into a new year I give you my favorite prayer, one I am sure you all know, but maybe forget on occasion.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;          
courage to change the things I can;          
and wisdom to know the difference. 
        
Living one day at a time;          
Enjoying one moment at a time;          
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;          
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;          
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;          
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him          
Forever in the next.          
Amen.
–Reinhold Niebuhr

Merry Christmas to you all and a great big hug.

Carrie

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I Almost Did It!

poopI have a confession to make! I stayed up until 3 am going through old emails and journals, building my “defense”, against each of JC’s accusations. I slept like crap, my eyes are burning today and I hate feeling like this.
I don’t have to feel like this!

Something happens when you are stripped of all dignity, self respect, joy, hope and material possessions, you have to make a choice to wither up and die or find the strength to survive.

When the person you loved more than anything is responsible for your despair it is almost more than you can bare. I literally screamed at God,”What the fuck do you want?” my faith shattered at my feet. There is no describing that kind of pain, but those who have been there know what I mean.

When going through my old emails I realized I have sent no less than 6 emails since Feb 2011 begging JC to just leave me alone. I answered to the same set of fabrications in fall of 2012 and it did no good obviously. Throughout our relationship I tried to get him to see the facts but he’d just rewrite history to make himself look like the victim. To address his accusations again is a waste of my time and to put any more thought into why he won’t just go away is futile.

brick wall
To allow him to bring his black cloud into my life again is craziness.
He credits M for his new life. Then he should be so flipping thankful he has her and leave me alone. I don’t credit anyone but God and me, I am proud to say, no one “fixed” me; I put myself back together, there was no one there to help me I had to do it all alone ( that is why I started this blog). In his blog he tries to bring my brother and son into his quagmire but they also have put themselves back together and we are all living good lives. He can’t pull us down any more. None of us care what he has to say. It is all so yesterday.

Him bragging about M and him eating each other and she is delicious I suppose was meant to make me jealous but it just made him look like a jealous school boy.
In his post right above it he makes himself out to be the victim of her wrath during their move and he is the epitome of patience. I feel sorry for her, but I did try to warn her. In her defense we all know how convincing the N can be, crying about his horrible psycho ex that made his life hell and she is so rational, calm, the love of his life.

JC is part of my past, he is trying to be part of my present and I will not let him taint the peace and serenity I have found.
So far anything he has done in an attempt to destroy me has worked out in my favor.
I did not go through all I have to have him pull me back into his toxic world of deceit and control.

So I am climbing in the shower now, going to clean my little cabin, take my puppies for a walk along the lake, go to my doctor appointment and then I am going for dinner on my brother’s yacht with him and my nephew to watch the sun set.

Aaahhh life is good! Thank you God.
No one can take my peace away its God given.
Hugs to you all and welcome to all the new followers. There is life after the N and we are here for you because we all know what you are going through.
Have a great day!!