Tag Archives: slander

I’m Rubber, You Are Glue

trump-glue

Remember back in grade school some smart ass kid that made your life hell and when you told him what you thought of him, he would sing, “I’m rubber and you are glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.” or another favorite was, “I know you are but what am I?”

As a young child you would get angry, perhaps cry,maybe even hit the other child and defend yourself. But no matter what you said nothing fazed the kid, he always had a come back, laugh, and when you tried the same lines, they just didn’t work for you, his words still hurt.

Fortunately most kids grow up and develop empathy and communication skills. We certainly aren’t expecting to have to deal with that kind of childish taunting as an adult but we found ourselves feeling just like we did as a child in the playground, frustrated, helpless to defend ourselves, crying, with our tormentor laughing at us, taunting us.

If you are still with the narcissist you probably haven’t figured out that; trying to reason with a narcissist, defending ourselves, or trying to make a narcissist admit any fault in the relationship is futile and will result in it bouncing off him and sticking to you. You accuse him of cheating, eventually he will accuse you, tell him he is a narcissist and he will research it and accuse you of all the traits of a narcissist; you may not believe it now because you are still thinking he/she is a normal person and eventually you will get through to them.

Trust me that you are not thinking clearly right now. This kind of gaslighting will drive the most sane person crazy. I can’t say I blame you because there is no way anyone could have convinced me he would turn against me the way my ex did. Deep down, through it all I truly felt there was a deep love for me buried inside him that he was terrified to admit or at the very least he had a conscience and could never lie about me so blatantly. I admit I felt superior to him because I was faithful and honest; he was the one screwing up the relationship, there was no way I could be blamed for the relationship failing.

Then came the day when he told me he’d had enough and it was over.

I said, “YOU’VE had enough??? enough what?”

He looked at me with disgust and said, “This”

I was furious, “You’ve had enough of this????? I have been faithful, I have been honest, you are the one who screwed around, you are the one who didn’t come home at night, who lied…….not me!”

He looked at me over his glasses and sneered when he asked, “And what did you do????”

Looking him right in the eyes, I was indignant, “I stayed.”

He spit out “Exactly” before he went back to reading his magazine and I stood there trying to absorb the enormity of three words. “I stayed” and “Exactly“.

It took a few months before I finally moved out, even though my ex said, “I don’t want you to be homeless so you can stay.” For whatever reason my biggest fear had always been being homeless and of course he knew that but I also knew that if I stayed it would be the death of me.

I had suspected he was cutting me down to his work mates but I had always conducted myself with class, honesty, hard work and wasn’t concerned with what he told his buddies. What I had not counted on and sadly underestimated was his vindictiveness and his ability to lie straight faced and be believed. He knew that all he had to do was put doubt into people’s minds, make a few anonymous phone calls, and act like an unwilling victim. It made me sick how he could play the victim, I had seen him do it with me about other people and now I knew he was doing it about me.

It took me a painfully long time to figure out that any one who decided they were going to “remain neutral” was not a friend of mine. I had never had a relationship where friends had to choose, I had never had a relationship end where I couldn’t remain friendly with my ex and I didn’t want to appear unkind or vindictive but I was constantly being put in the position of defending myself. What worked against me was the fact that I had remained loyal to him and not told people what was going on behind closed doors so when I defended myself to his accusations it all sounded like sour grapes. He had already told everyone I was a liar and crazy and I had stayed for 10 years and not said a word, so of course no one believed me. If it was that bad why did I stay, why didn’t I complain to anyone about him? call the police, go back time after time?

I kept thinking, he stole my identity! he had totally reversed roles and taken mine! He even used my own lines on me! Lines like:

“I can’t just shut off my feelings after we have a fight an pretend nothing happened.”

“Try putting yourself in the new girlfriend’s position, how would you like it if I was seeing an ex girlfriend?”

“She kept saying no one would love me like she did.”

“I am afraid of what you are going to do next.”

“She is trying to ruin my life, get me fired, destroy me.”

“She keeps trying to cause trouble in my life, destroying property, stealing from me etc”

It was infuriating to be accused of exactly what he was doing to me! but I knew the more I denied it the guiltier I looked. It was like entering the twilight zone. I had a couple of “friends” who insisted on telling me how happy he was with his new woman and all the things he was saying about me and what I was doing. It didn’t matter that I told them I didn’t want to hear it, they wanted to hear my explanation or defense against what he was saying, and I did play the game for awhile, until I realized that I didn’t need a friend who doubted my character and would listen to the shit my ex was spreading. I knew he was using them as a pawn to hurt me and to destroy my good reputation. Something I learned from being with my ex is; if a lie is told enough times to the right people, it becomes a fact in people’s minds. It’s a rather interesting phenomenon witnessed during the Trump campaign

That is when I decided the only thing I could control was how I conducted my life, I couldn’t anticipate what he would do next, I could only live honestly and true to my morals and principles AND cut all toxic  people from my life and keep trying to be the best version of me I can be.

When I started looking for answers about 2 years into the relationship there wasn’t a lot of information out there. In fact 6 years ago when I started the blog there still wasn’t much information out there, I did a lot of research and from sharing my own experiences and listening to the stories of thousands of women and men, I consider myself to be a bit of a layman expert and I will continue to spread the word about narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, or whatever label you want to give these soul sucking vampires. I am here to tell you that any attempt to make the narcissist admit his mistreatment of you or feel any morsel of guilt or remorse, is not going to happen. In fact, anything you say will bounce off him and stick to you.

 

 

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Just Like A Cancer In Remission – You Never Know When It Could Come Back

No offense meant to anyone dealing with cancer, it was the only analogy that I could come up with to accurately describe what it is like waiting for the narcissist to rear his ugly head in your life again.

It has been 5 and 1/2 years since my ex and I split, he has been involved with another woman for 5 years and 5 months of that time. He got her to sell her house and he has gotten everything material that he ever wanted, trucks, heavy equipment, trips, mobile shop, you would think he would be so happy he wouldn’t have time or the desire to care what I am doing.

But almost like clockwork he pops into my life to stir up shit once a year. The last time he showed up to destroy my life I was on my brother’s boat, May 26th, 2015 to be exact.  I was being interviewed by Nice Guy Eddie on his talk radio show In My Humble Opinion. I was waiting for Eddie to Skype me at 5 pm to do the interview when I heard what sounded like a a remote control car or weed whacker outside. Like I said I was living on a boat so either one was not likely to be outside my window. I finally went to check because it had been out there a while and when I look out the window there was a drone so close I could have reached out and touched it. Long story short, Eddie couldn’t get through on Skype, nor Face Book, my laptop crashed, never to work again and Eddie and I did the interview over the phone.

A few days prior I had received a call from my ex’s step dad, who I had always stayed in contact with and trusted. I had told him where I was living, two days later I was taking Stella for a pee at 5 am when a semi that looked exactly like my ex’s old one came around the corner and stopped. I had told myself to not be paranoid, his truck got repossessed before we split. But in light of the drone and my laptop crashing I decided to check online to see what he had been up too lately. My heart skipped a beat when I saw that same semi in his Flikr album. He had acquired the same truck just a few years older. That same week I was cut off welfare. Then his son was in the area camping with his mom, step dad and siblings and called to see if I would meet them at their camp site. Of course I went in a heartbeat, I love his son and we had a special bond because my ex was so abusive. I met them and we had a great time, his mom and I hugged, his little sister ran and hugged me, we went to the wharf in White Rock and carved our names in the wood, I got to talk alone with Allan. The only thing Allan said was, the minute he saw me and gave me a hug and then he looked me right in the eye and asked, “How are you?” I said I was great and he sighed with relief and said, “That is all I needed to hear” and hugged me again. We didn’t talk about his dad at all except for him to thank me for standing up to his dad for him and getting him out of the house and home safe to his mom when his dad punched him for eating his double chocolate donut.

A few weeks later I notice on Allan’s mom’s Face Book she has posted pics of their trip. There is one of Yogi bear and a comment from my ex asking where’s BooBoo? Allan’s mom replied, “Who needs BooBoo, Carrie came for a visit and she is awesome!!”

His reply was, “She can be.”

I could tell he was not happy and he said something about if he had known they were coming he would have gone to see them. My ex lives about 8 hours away. She said the date they were there and that they had been there 3 days and had a great time! He said he had been in White Rock the same day I had been there. What a coincidence! haha I had gotten lost and had to do a couple of u turns, I probably lost him and didn’t even know he was following me. You know I had a gut feeling though that whole night.

I have moved so many times I can’t keep count and with this last move I made sure no one who knows him knew where I was. I didn’t post any pictures that had identifying landmarks on here or Face Book. I turned off my GPS on my phone, laptop and any posts I did. I have had one person from my past who knew me while I was with my ex call and ask where I was living now and I was evasive and she called a few times and dropped off.

So, my mom calls me yesterday, very upset; she got a phone call from the police looking for me. She didn’t give them any information, good! because it could have been anyone looking for information, it would not be the first time my ex pretended to be a cop over the phone. The Constable asked where I was living, how often did she see me and she finally asked him what this was about. He told her it had to do with my blog and I was “Inciting Violence” against someone and it was a very serious offense. He gave her his number and asked her to get me to call him.

When she told me I was not the least bit surprised, the one thing that struck me first was this, “If he is accusing me of inciting violence, what the hell does he have planned for me? because they always accuse the victim of the same things they themselves are doing.”

The next thing that struck me,

Why did they call my mother, they could have emailed me through my blog if that is what this is pertaining to and if I didn’t respond then call my mother.

I took the number from my mom and assured her it was not a big deal, she never reads my blog but went in and read it yesterday for herself. She said she saw nothing that would be considered inciting violence. I ask you all, have I ever incited violence ever on this blog? I am one of the least violent, nonjudgmental people I know. I have forbid people from using their ex’s real name and making threats to their safety or even slandering them.

I called the number immediately and surprise surprise, it was the Powell River Police Station. The cop wasn’t on duty so I left a message and not had a call back. I only know one person living in Powell River. I know of 6 times where my ex had someone impersonate a cop or he did it himself; in order to create trouble for me or to get information on my whereabouts in order to create trouble for me. He of course would know who my parents are and I am sure he thought that if a cop phoned the house looking for me she would panic and spill the information, but she is smarter than that thank God.

Not knowing where I am would piss him off to no end, because after all it is all about control. It is like when I started locking my truck and sleeping with the key; my truck battery started to hold a charge and it actually ran for a solid week; if he couldn’t get the hood up, he couldn’t sabotage the truck BUT it was then that he got angry and started to ramp things up and do things that endangered my life, like my tire blowing at 110 km an hour with 3 tons on the truck.

I don’t know what is going on, but one thing for sure I am not letting this slide, it is time he got a life and moved on. I know his relationship is on fragile ground, the engagement ring is off….. he is probably having to be on good behavior in order to get her sucked back in so I am the scapegoat, I will pay for anything that goes wrong in his life for the rest of my life. The one ex he counted on for his emergency supply died the same year him and I split so I guess I am the replacement. Great!!

Depending on what transpires I will be shutting down the blog. I will be closing all my email accounts, my paypal, and changing my phone number. I will be back, I have my other blog I am going to open up, I will not stop spreading the word, but if I am breaking the law I have to do it legally. I never intended to slander or get revenge on my ex, I want to warn other women about all narcissists so whether it is this blog or another one makes no difference to me. I just start building my readership again, I love a challenge, right?

I want a restraining order on him again and I will inform them he has a gun.

I will keep you all informed, for now the blog stays but if it disappears I am not gone for good, just for awhile and I will be back.

Hugs to you all!!

 

 

Winners and Losers and Those Who Just Don’t Play By The Rules

I watched a video the other day about an 11 year old little boy with Cerebral Palsy who decided he was going to participate in the longest running race at school. There was no way he had a chance at winning and it was unlikely he would even be able to finish but when he started to lag and look like he was about to give up his gym coach ran out to him and said, “You aren’t thinking about giving up are you? then a girl from his class ran up and started shouting words of encouragement. Other kids saw her and joined in, eventually the whole school was cheering him on and he made it to the finish line.

He was the last across the finish line but in his mind and the minds of everyone who witnessed his run, he was a winner.

stand up

I feel sometimes like this blog is like that, when one of us starts to lag, feels like giving up; the others rally around and cheer them on. None of us knows even how far it is to the finish line, it can be hard to run a race when you can’t see the end and someone is putting obstacles in front of you trying to trip you up. But it is so nice to know there are people rooting for you out there in the big scary world. Thank you all for your words of encouragement.

I mentioned that it bothers me to think James might “win”, and it does cross my mind that in HIS mind if he can ruin my chances of a comfortable future, he will have won. Which only goes to show how sick he really is. The fact that he thought it was acceptable when he said that he was a “success” and wanted to help me be a success also; when all he had done was hook a widow with money, shows how out of touch with reality he is and how far off course his thought patterns are. How fucked up his priorities are and how low his standards are. No normal man would brag about being a success when he is living off of a woman.

unblanaced

I know that no matter what James has not, nor will he ever “win” over me; no matter what he thinks or what he values, he has lost. It is one thing to revel in the thought that a person loved you so much that they never got over you and lived with a broken heart until the day they died. I suppose some people would get some sort of sick ego boost out of that but to purposely try to destroy a person’s future is so far from normal or acceptable it boggles my mind that he would get any kind of thrill or self satisfaction from it.

I will never forget the look of pure glee on his face when he was talking about his ex who drank herself to death and how much she hated me. It was an Ah Ha moment where he revealed his true colors, when he said she hated me because we were so happy for 10 years. For one thing, why on earth would someone be happy about someone drinking themselves to death over them and for another thing he obviously was telling her something totally different than what was going on in our house, because according to him i made his life hell for 10 years. You can’t have it both ways; unless you are a narcissist. Because you fabricate reality to suit your needs at the time. he needed her to believe we were madly in love and happy, he needed me to feel like I made him miserable for 10 years and in order to “prove” to his new woman and his family that it was me making him the way he was. The way he looked at me when he said it, I could tell he didn’t see anything wrong with what he was saying and he was confused because I wasn’t laughing with him. He had thought I would be complimented or something and I just thought, “You sick son of a bitch”.

I didn’t play the rules like he thought I would, he didn’t think I would ever speak out, he didn’t think would be able to walk away, he didn’t think I would ever put up a fight and call “bullshit”, so he is pissed off. When I had to get rid of my F550, when he screwed it up and it had to be towed, he never counted on me calling his step dad to help me get it out. He had approached me with an offer from one of his friends, that they would pay the towing and storage charges on it and give me a few hundred bucks on top to buy a cheap car with. I know what he was planning. He was going to get a buddy to bail out my truck and he was going to take it. I told him hell would freeze over before a buddy of his got my truck. Then I traded it for the Chevy 1 ton and he saw me driving it, I didn’t see him but he called me, all he said was, “Nice truck”. He was pissed. Then I paid his step dad back $500 of the money I owed him. I took a picture of the Chevy, which had a box on the back and cut a slit in the top of the box and stuck 5 one hundred dollar bills in so they stuck out and framed it. I wrote on it that if not for his help I would have been dead in the water and thanked him very much for his help. I got another call from James, “Good one.” He was pissed.

Then when the Chevy broke down I got the little Ford truck and he passed me on the freeway and almost dumped his Harley trying to get a better look.

I know why he is pissed, because I refuse to roll over and play dead. He under estimated me, just because he wants me to act like the psycho bitch he says I am, I haven’t, I have stayed true to me and I have fought for what is right. It may be covert and maybe no one knows what he has done to me, but he knows and I know and……

I know with all certainty that when it comes to who is the winner between James and I; I win by a long shot, no matter if I die living in a card board box under a bridge somewhere; because there is nothing to be proud of when you purposely destroy someone else. Purposely hurting people doesn’t show how powerful you are, it doesn’t make you better, even if it makes you richer, you still lose. Lying to people about someone so as to ruin their reputation, slandering someone in order to take their kids away, turning family and friends against someone you used and abuse; may fool some of the people for a while but eventually the truth comes out. But even if the truth never comes out, that doesn’t make you a winner, it makes you the biggest, saddest loser of all. A narcissist thinks a lie is as good as the truth and as long as you have everyone fooled into thinking you are a great guy; it is the same as being a great guy. But they are wrong, and the really funny thing is, they are too stupid to realize it so they keep doing what they have always done.

I drove into Langley for my cousin’s daughter’s grad ceremony on Thursday night. On my way home my car started to vibrate especially at higher speeds. If I stayed on the freeway I was going to be home in less than 1/2 an hour but something told me I needed to get off at the next exit. So at the last minute I did. I just took my time getting home and it was after midnight when I finally walked through the door. I didn’t go any where yesterday and then today I went out to clean the car and check my tires. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I checked my driver’s side front tire, it was so close to blowing up it is a miracle I made it home that night. I don’t know why it didn’t, it is in shreds. If it would have blown going 110 km on the freeway I probably would not have survived it. Like my son said, the car would not have been as easy to handle as the truck was, it probably would have flipped. Another uncanny coincidence.

I never worry that James has changed because he keeps proving to me he hasn’t over and over again. I saw a card one time that said, “If you are living your life like there is no God, you had better hope you are right.”

The narcissist better be “praying” there is no God, because when the day of reckoning comes there is going to be hell to pay.