Tag Archives: society

October Is Domestic Abuse Awareness Month

Do we really need to make people more aware of domestic violence? We have had many public service announcements, sports celebrities speaking out against domestic violence, and the victims of abuse, some celebrity victims are speaking out. I think everyone is aware it exists, it is no longer considered to be a “private matter”. 

The legal system; police, judges, etc have made some strides in how they deal with the victims of abuse, but any progress is slow. 

Stats actually show an increase in the number of domestic violence cases, which just happens to coincide with government cutbacks to programs and services for the victims of domestic violence since the economic crash.

The Guardian
In Canada, if a woman wants to leave an abusive relationship and calls one of the shelters she is told there are no beds available. When I was looking there wasn’t space in any shelters from Chilliwack to White Rock and certainly nothing if you had a pet.

And as I have mentioned numerous times before; welfare rates are sorrowfully inadequate, extremely so if you are a single woman. There is a bit more help for women with children but let’s be serious; all mom’s want their children to be happy. The prospect of taking them to a shelter or struggling to provide for them is scarey and the last thing a mother wants to do. Then the courts rule that the dad gets visitation, he is on a slander campaign and playing the victim. More than likely the children miss their daddy and he is putting on pressure to “put the family back together”. 

On top of everything else the victim has to deal with, she probably has PTSD, and also is dealing with the prejudices and misconceptions of not only society but those closest to her; her friends and family. Old stereotypes die hard and when you are struggling to find the strength to get up every morning the last thing you should have to listen to is the judgements of others.

All the “awareness” in the world is not going to put an end to domestic abuse. Until we can breakthrough old stereotypes I am afraid we will continue to repeat history. What old stereotypes am I talking about?

Stereotypes people don’t even realize they have; which makes them so hard to break through.

I am almost 7 years out of the relationship and can still feel the sting when someone says something off the cuff that they don’t mean as an insult. I know they would be surprised if they knew how much it hurts. 

Let me clarify, I correct their erroneous belief but I don’t tell them how much it hurts; for a couple of reasons

1. I don’t want to make a huge deal out of it and make them feel bad or embarrass them. 

2. These people have known me my whole life and been with me through the past 7 years. What is it that makes it so hard for them to “get it”. 

I have to dig deep to not let it get to me and I am not freshly out of the relationship with raw emotions and shattered self esteem. 

In the past few months I have dealt with extreme anger because I had gone back numerous times. The same fact was used as justification for someone I trusted to screw me over and lie about me, telling people the reason they did what they did was because I had gone back to my ex. I said to them that I hadn’t gone back to my ex and they said, “But you had gone back many times.” 

My reply, “Yes, I had gone back but not that time. Not until you turned everyone against me and I felt totally deserted and thrown to the wolves did I go back.” 

It seems when the victim is at their lowest they end up being subjected to mistreatment by the very people who should have their back.

The other false assumption is that the victim is stupid, can’t handle finances, and is emotionally unstable. 

I was voicing some concerns for a young lady who recently started dating a guy I picked up some red flags on. I was shocked when someone who I have known 30 years said not to worry about her, she’s not the “type” to get involved with a narcissist. She is level headed, got her priorities straight and not about to fall for an asshole. 

This is so much bigger than telling women to not be ashamed and it wasn’t their fault because if we don’t change beliefs that are deeply embedded in our psyche we will keep inadvertently shaming the victim into silence. Women feel forced to try to solve or fix the relationship on her own. A strong woman will be more likely to stay and try to figure out how to fix things because up until now she has always been capable an able to solve situations. She usually has strong communication skills and keeps trying to convey her feelings thinking sooner or later she will be able to explain, to the N; why she is so hurt and he will have an epiphany and go back to the sweet man she met. 

A strong woman will stick it out longer in hopes of saving enough resources to leave without help from anyone. A strong woman will try to just “get over it” without talking about it because she has always been able to land on her feet in the past. A strong woman is much more likely to keep silent because she is embarrassed to be in the situation she finds herself in.

Silence pertetuates the problem.  

What preconceived beliefs do you or did you hold about victims of abuse? What prejudices have you encountered?

A final thought; 

Yes, I know men also suffer from abuse. I am not saying they don’t.  But! Women are 4.2 times more likely to be abused or die at the hands of their intimate partner.  

Some stats:

1 in 4 women in North America and 1 in 3 women worldwide will experience domestic violence in their lifetime.

In the US there are 960,000 reported incidents of domestic abuse annually.

On an average 3 women and 1 man die daily of domestic violence.

95% of domestic violence victims are female.

I speak out primarily for female victims of domestic violence because it is what I have experienced and women are at a much higher risk. Violence against women is at an epidemic level and it is not getting any better.

If you are a man who feels men need a spokesperson I encourage you to do that. I do not hate men, I do believe in love, and I believe there is nothing better than being in a loving, healthy, respectful relationship (except maybe owning a dog)

It is like Black Lives Matter and people saying All Lives Matter. BLM activists are speaking out for black people, they are not saying other nationalities are not persecuted. But each group of victims have their own unique challenges and prejuices to over come.

As a society we can all work towards ending violence and racism by simply speaking out and not turning a blind eye when we see abuse of any kind. Do what is right, not what is easy. Have the guts to speak up when you hear people expressing prejudice and racism.

Its time everyone realized we all play a role in how society functions and take an honest inventory of our beliefs and own how our actions or inaction affects others. “I don’t want to get involved” is no longer acceptable because by not getting involved you are perpetuating the problem. 

Society’s Changing Views On Infidelity

This article was in Huffington Post today and it hit a nerve with me. Society in general has become nonchalant about alot of things infidelity, domestic violence, lying politicians. It is almost expected that people will lie about you, manipulate you and if you are so niave you end up getting hurt.then shame on you. I know I don’t talk about my relationship with JC with just anyone because I don’t want to have to defend myself for being gullible, a sucker, too forgiving or weak. Tell me what you think.

Infidelity
Tracy Schorn
Jul 16, 2013
It used to be infidelity was considered dangerous and full of tragic consequence. Mess with another’s man’s wife? You might wind up dead. Sleep with a married man? You were a “home wrecker.” If you were the chump, society understood that you’d be full of rage and temporarily insane with grief. We had “crimes of passion.” We understood that the pain of betrayal drove ordinary people to extremes.That’s been the conventional wisdom going back through the ages — to Shakespearean tragedies. Othello weeps and agonizes, before killing Desdemona just on the (wrongful) suspicion that she’s been unfaithful. “Yet she must die, else she’ll betray more men.”

Elizabethans understood that to cheat on someone who loved you was to destroy them.My wife! my wife! what wife? I have no wife. O insupportable! O heavy hour! Methinks it should be now a huge eclipse Of sun and moon, and that the affrighted globe Should yawn at alteration.Or check out the old British folk song Matty Groves. Lord Donald’s wife cheats on him with Matty Groves. He finds the couple in bed and tells the naked man to have one of his swords and strike him first, before asking:”So how do you like my feather bed? And how do you like my sheets? And how do you like my lady who lies in your arms asleep?”Lord Donald kills Matty Groves and when his wife says she enjoyed kissing Matty better than him, he drives a knife through her heart and buries the cheaters together in the same grave. “But bury my lady at the top, for she was of noble kin.”Or the blues song Frankie and Albert (also known as Frankie and Johnny) — where Frankie shoots her unfaithful lover.”Boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, Frankie cried, ‘Baby what have I done? I shot the only man that I loved with a Colt 41.’ She shot that man, ’cause he was doing her wrong.”It is certainly a societal improvement that we don’t romanticize such bloodthirstiness now. (Although people still kill each over other cheating.) But in my opinion, the pendulum has swung over to a new extreme — nonchalance about infidelity.

The emphasis of wrong-doing is placed on the chump now instead of the betrayer. Chumps didn’t manage their expectations appropriately. Their inadequacies drove their partners to cheat on them. They must own their part in that! These false equivalencies — that your faults are commensurate with acts of betrayal — seem to be the new norm.

Today in our culture, Iago would say to Othello — “Dude, get over it already.” Lord Donald would probably commit murder suicide from the shame of being chumped. And Frankie and Albert would go to marriage counseling, where the shrink would ask Frankie why she wasn’t meeting Albert’s needs. What was her part in driving Albert into the arms of Nelly Bly?As a culture, we used to understand that infidelity drove people out of their minds’ with pain. Now it’s a big whatever.

In our narcissistic age we ask — did you get played for a sucker? Well, that’s your fault. You expected too much. What did you do to make them do that? And we don’t want consequences or unseemly drama. Get over it already! Sentimentality is for suckers. Commitment is for chumps. Only unsophisticated rubes expect people to keep their promises to them. You fell for that? Did you give too much? Well, that was your choice then, wasn’t it? Surely you didn’t expect reciprocity. Didn’t you have a Plan B? You put all the eggs in that basket? That was sure dumb of you. As my ex-husband said to me after I discovered his serial infidelities — “Don’t be such a Pollyanna. Everybody cheats.”The problem wasn’t that he cheated. No, the problem was that I didn’t manage my expectations of him properly. How dare I be upset that he didn’t keep his commitments! My heartbreak was just a symptom of my naivety. Of being an unsophisticated Pollyanna.

There isn’t anything wrong with chumps for assuming that their partners would be faithful. There is something terribly wrong, however, with a culture that thinks you should shrug at infidelity, and better yet — be friends with the person who betrayed you. Have Thanksgiving dinners together! Be progressive and evolved! Do it for the kids!

Lord Donald didn’t throw dinner parties with Matty Groves. He told the man who screwed his wife to put his pants on, take his best shot — and then he killed him. I’m not advocating chump violence. I’m advocating understanding. Chumps are entitled to their grief and anger. They are entitled to a chilly distance from people who betrayed them.

The world must recognize once again that infidelity is life altering, tragic and terrifying. Betrayal is not a big shrug. It is fully human to love completely. We are wired to bond and it’s not naive to do so. We are not unsophisticated to expect people to honor their commitments to us. On the contrary, chumps are a better class of people because they do honor their commitments. And if they haven’t stabbed anyone through the heart over this? I think they’re doing pretty good.

Posted by Carrie Reimer the Lady WithaTruck

Further To Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

Further to my post the other day about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs I found some notes I made on it a few years back.

Maslow believed that the only reason people don’t reach their full potential, self actualization; is because of stumbling blocks put in front of them by society with prejudices, and stereotypes. One area he emphasized needing to be addressed was education. He felt the educational system was not designed to promote growth but in fact stunted a person reaching their full potential. That was back in the 40’s and I can’t say things have improved in our educational system; not in Canada that’s for sure.

Here are his suggestions:

1. We need to teach people to be authentic, to listen to their “gut” . Boy I write a lot about listening to your gut, hmmmmm must be something to it do ya think?

2. Teachers, parents etc should focus on helping a child find their calling, destiny, what is right for them, not want the parent thinks they should be doing. And that includes career and finding a mate.

3. Teach people to become “world citizens” and appreciate cultural diversity in a community.

4. Accept people are they are and help them find their inner nature instead of expecting them to “blend in” allow them to be themselves, only then do you discover their natural talents and aptitudes.

5. Teach children to appreciate the simple things in life and nature all around them.

6. Teach, life is precious, try to see the positive in all situations and in all people.

7. Set boundaries and teach that rules, controls are necessary and good and what will improve the quality of life for everyone.

8. Teach people to choose their battles and stop fighting about insignificant things and worry about the truly big issues in life.

9. Be good “choosers” teach children how to make good, practical and logical choices.

10. We must ensure every one’s basic needs are met; safety, belonging, and esteem needs.

In a perfect world that is the way every one would operate and raise their children. How many of those points are taught to our kids today? Not many of them!! No wonder we have teen age suicide, gang wars, teen addicts, teenage pregnancy, teens murdering each other. We have a generation of very angry, frustrated and unhappy people coming into adulthood soon. Kinda scary!