Here is a link to an excellent post by Donna Andersen of LoveFraud
My apologies to everyone who clinked on the link in my last post and got nothing! I hit the share button on YouTube and used the link address they gave and it was faulty so I copy and pasted the link I got from Lou and it works. So here it is in case you deleted your email notification. I really think people need to see this and didn’t want anyone to miss it.
Here it is one more time! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgGyvxqYSbE
My blogging buddy Lou passed this video along to me and it is the best video on psychopaths I have ever seen. Thank you Lou!!
It says everything I have been saying for 3 years in just over 30 minutes. Please watch and pass it along. Everyone should see this.
Here is the link http://youtu.be/MgGyvxqYSbE
Trauma Bonding – Is It Love Or Something Else?
When you connected with your narcissist, did you feel like finally you had met true love? Was the connection so intense and powerful that you believed your love was truly meant to be for ever, regardless of the pain your experienced?
I hear the same story time and time again, in fact nearly everyone who has joined the NARC Facebook page agrees that the relationship to the narcissist initially felt like the greatest love of their life.
This article explains how this incredible connection occurs and why the bond of love feels so compelling…
When we first became attached to the narcissist, we had the deep and powerful inner belief that this relationship was ‘the one’ – it felt so real and so true to us. It felt astoundingly ‘right’. We thought we had hit the jackpot.
Over time the cracks started appearing, yet we still experienced the glorious times (even if they became less and less) of this ‘delightful person’ who we wanted to believe was the partner of our dreams.
Of course we had to employ all sorts of psychological defences to protect this belief.
We were all conditioned to believe that powerful and all consuming feelings, and the ‘not being able to stop thinking about someone’ and ‘feeling an intense attachment’ must mean love.
We were taught very little about real love – as a safe, supportive, calm, regenerating and trustworthy entity. And we didn’t realise that true and real love necessitates a deep knowing that you are the other half of a safe, supportive and genuine ‘team’.
Narcissistic relationships, in all reality, do not and cannot fit into a healthy description of ‘love’.
Maybe we never knew what ‘safe’, ‘respectful’ ‘reliable’ love was.
Maybe it seemed unrealistic, too hard to achieve, or maybe even boring….
Maybe we have only ever know feelings of fear, deprivation, unease, persecution, anxiety and then the glorious highs that DO come when agony is temporarily relieved with the feelings of ‘Thank God he does get it’, ‘He really does love me” and ‘Now the pain will stop’.
But of course these feelings of euphoric relief and release never lasted. They were simply the reprieve between the hills of the terrorising roller coaster.
Maybe we never realised that when we really ‘fell in love’ with the narcissist, something much more sinister was engendering our powerful feelings of love and attachment.
It seems ludicrous and insane to believe that someone treating you poorly could make you want them, love them, and attach you so powerfully….
…but it is OH so true…
Let’s find out WHY…
Trauma Bonding – Number 1 – Stockholm Syndrome
Stockholm syndrome has been widely documented, and proven to be a very real deal. The conditions of narcissistic abuse are ripe to create this phenomenon.
Firstly the victim feels that they cannot escape the relationship, this is for the reasons of not wanting to shatter the glorious dream of ‘what this relationship is meant to be’, the loss of lifestyle, finances, security, children’s wellbeing etc., or because of the very real threat of how disastrous life may become when trying to leave and inciting a narcissistic injury within the narcissist, which inevitably brings revenge and destruction.
Therefore, automatically the roles have become prisoner and persecutor. The prisoner’s wellbeing depends heavily on how the persecutor is treating her or him on a daily basis. The prisoner knows that there is a very real threat of cruelty and pain being inflicted by the narcissist, and therefore will try to minimalise the torture, by firstly focusing a great deal of attention on ‘the enemy’, and then trying to find a heartfelt connection with the narcissist to procure nicer treatment.
The narcissistic becomes the deliverer of good or bad treatment, and when good treatment comes, there is so much hope and relief that the pain is going to end that the victim focuses on the good times, and ‘conveniently’ numbs out the bad times – even dismissing them.
The good times are so much about relief, and I can breathe again, and the danger is over for now – that they feel like intense joy, love and appreciation.
Victims who suffer Stockholm syndrome within narcissistic abuse are significantly detached from the real world around them, and are instead enmeshed in the narcissist’s demand, emotions and tormented world.
This often happens as a result of self isolation preferred by the victim, regarding loss of self-esteem, deep inner shame, and the not wishing to confront the outer world which is full of questions regarding the victim’s apparent reclusive behaviour and disconnection from previous interests, friends and family – as well as, of course, the narcissist’s wrath for having any interests that don’t pertain to the narcissist.
Stockholm syndrome feels like ‘love’, as it is a deep attachment to another person for emotional and literal survival.
No different to a child trying to instinctively cling to, grant attention to, love and inspire kindness and security from an abusive parent.
Trauma Bonding – Number 2 – Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive dissonance occurs when there is tension created as a result of two opposing thoughts. A simple real life example is the thoughts ‘I want to stay home and relax, but I’d really like to meet up with friends tonight.’
In order for a person to be able to comfortably accept their choice without anxious feelings of having made the wrong decision (the lingering of inner shame) –a justification for the choice has to be created. Such as ‘It’s totally okay to honour myself, and not meet up tonight – I owe it to myself to relax. If I’m okay with that they will be too.’
In the case of narcissistic abuse, the thoughts of ‘This is abusive and unbearable and I need to get out of this relationship, are in total contrast with ‘I have to stay and make this work.’
In order to ease the inner anxiety of having made the wrong choice, justifications have to be fabricated to offset the inner knowing of horrific abuse.
These justifications are ‘stories’ such as ‘I know she loves me, and she’s doing her best – it’s just that she had a horrible childhood’, or ‘I know this relationship is meant to be, and I am going to stay and see it through’, or worse still ‘He really is a great guy, it’s me with all the problems, and I know I make him like this’, or ‘If I love him enough, I know I can heal him’ or ‘I’m the only person that understands her. I can’t leave her, it’s my duty to stay and love her with everything I have.’
In order to rectify the cognitive dissonance of narcissistic abuse, huge overcompensations of reasons to stay have to be created in order to offset the deep inner shame of accepting and enduring abuse.
These justifications have to be powerful enough to seem real to the victim, and they serve to create even greater feelings or attachment, devotion and love.
Trauma Bonding – Number 3 – Repetitive Compulsion Disorder
I have written before about this very real phenomenon in my eBooks, and it is definitely worth mentioning again as one of the key elements of trauma bonding.
Narcissists are unpredictable in nature. The dealing out of random and conflicting abuse and support creates heightened anxiety and addictive state within their victims.
The example I like to use to explain this disorder is what happens to lab rats when they have a button, which releases food pellets, that is set on ‘random’. Normally the rat knows how many times to push the button to receive his meal, and is very content with that.
However, when the button becomes unpredictable and unstable the rat goes into a frenzy pushing the button until the floor of the cage is littered with pellets. He is more interested in staying ‘hooked on’ pushing the button than attending to his own self care.
The rat is addicted to pushing the button (trying to get it to act predictably), just as a gambler is hooked to a poker machine, and just as a narcissistic abuse victim is hooked on trying to gain stable, sane, and safe behaviour from the narcissist.
When life is ‘dangerous’ with any hope of ‘relief’, our psychological and emotional survival wiring compels us to hang on, and put all our energy into finding relief from the danger. Manic fear and pain reigns until the euphoric relief of the situation presents.
If the button was re-set to a standard number of pushes the rat relaxes again, yet if the button was taken out of the cage, the rat would suffer survival panic.
If the addicted gambler wins a jackpot, she experiences temporary relief that she has won back her money lost, yet if she is removed from the poker machine before winning, she will find a way to get back to a machine as soon as possible.
If the narcissist attends to your needs, apologises and acts like he or she has reformed, you feel incredible relief and that you have been removed from the war-zone. Yet, when the narcissist leaves the scene and is no longer reassuring you, you suffer severe separation anxiety that can feel akin to a heroin addict deprived of the next fix.
Repetitive compulsion disorder creates intense addiction anxiety, which can only momentarily be relieved by ‘jackpots’, but never takes long for the anxiety to reach an intense peak again – and of course when we don’t know better, we think these feelings of I can’t live without you and I can’t think about anything but you are ‘love’.
Trauma Bonding – Number 4 – Peptide Addiction
With all of the survival fears, powerlessness and anxieties taking place, a great deal of neuro- peptides, resulting from your disturbed, fearful and unstable thoughts, are manufactured in your hypothalamus (chemical manufacturing plant of our brain) and are distributed into your blood stream and received by the cells of your body.
Our cells get addicted to the peptides they receive powerful doses of, and then physiologically we get addicted to getting more of these peptides, which the narcissist triggers within us regularly.
This creates feelings of I need his attention, I need his validation, I need his approval, I need his support, I need his love, I need him to provide me with some RELIEF and eventually just like a drug addict licking the crumbs off the lounge room rug, we will try to get any amount of the narcissist’s energy regardless of how damaging and soul destroying it is.
What we don’t realise, in our obsessive quest for relief, that it is the pain and intensity of the dramatic highs and lows that the cells of our body have become addicted to.
We have become a helpless addict, and our drug dealer is the narcissist. He or she is dispensing regularly our body cells’ drug of choice – narcissistic abuse.
The thought of breaking away from the narcissist of course, at this level, feels unthinkable, and impossible to do.
And of course, we mistake it for ‘love’.
Trauma Bonding – Number 5 – Infantile Regression
In times of intense trauma it is common to regress back to your most instinctual learnt behaviour in order to try to survive. This is the clinging of a child to the ‘parent’ you believe is powerful and able to provide some sort of relief to the trauma at hand.
What happens when the closest person that you perceive as a source of support happens to be a cruel and abusive narcissist? The answer is ‘No difference’, because you have already formed powerful attachment and addiction bonds that want to create this person as your saviour.
By reading all the prior information on this blog – now you can understand why.
Infantile regression is powerful, unconscious and a primitive survival program that operates at the very core of your being. Your maturity and self-reliability goes out the window, and is replaced by utter childlike helplessness.
In this state you believe that you will literally die if you do not agree with the narcissist, take the blame, do anything to keep the peace, and grant everything the narcissist wants in the primitive hope that the onslaughts will stop and you will be allowed by the narcissist to avoid complete emotional annihilation.
Your rights are completely withdrawn by yourself and numbed out in your need for survival.
The perverse twist to this is that you have now surrendered your soul to the narcissist and idolised this person as ‘Your God’, who has the ultimate power to dictate your fate.
Then when the narcissist ‘allows’ you to exist again, your idolisation becomes the pathological survival belief: This person is the Creator of my world.
What greater illusion of ‘love’ could there ever be?
The truth about love that you need to travel towards is:
I am the creator of my world, and I am never reliant on any specific person being that creator for me.
When I am my own creator, I will reject what is not good to me, and add into my experience more of who I already am.
In order to do this your focus has to come off the narcissist, and on to yourself so that you may heal from the illusions.
– See more at: http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/trauma-bonding-is-it-love-or-something-else/?utm_source=New+Life&utm_campaign=6debd70a56-NL2012Apr23_WhyDidNarcissistSeemLikeToveOfOurLife&utm_medium=email#sthash.ioFz0jYI.dpuf
Below is a news article I came across recently about a woman in Vancouver who tortured and murdered the family dog and cat. The judge gave extensive probation rules for her to abide my because he doubts she has the ability to stop herself from committing worse crimes in the future and needs strict supervision. I feel it doesn’t matter how stiff the rules are there is no way she should be allowed out into the general pubic. There is no way she came be monitored 24/7 and it will just be a matter of time before she has the opportunity to harm or kill someone. What do you think should be done with her? Where does the line get drawn?
‘Sociopathic’ animal killer to be released on probation
WARNING: This story contains disturbing content
CBC News Posted: Nov 29, 2012 10:57 AM PT Last Updated: Nov 29, 2012 4:09 PM PT
A 22-year-old B.C. woman who admitted to taking delight in killing animals and fantasizing about shooting homeless people is set to be released on probation with strict conditions.
One psychologist who spoke with Kayla Bourque ahead of her sentencing Wednesday in Vancouver Provincial Court testified she will likely require supervision for the rest of her life.
Other doctors described her as a sexual sadist and narcissist with anti-social personality disorder and sociopathic tendencies.
“It is clear that Ms. Bourque is a very unique and troubling case,” said Judge Malcolm Maclean as he delivered what he described as “probably one of the most comprehensive probation orders I’ve ever done.”
Bourque pleaded guilty in October to killing or injuring an animal, causing unnecessary suffering and pain to an animal and possessing a knife and was arrested earlier this year.
She has already been in custody for six months, but MacLean gave her an additional two months in custody, in part so probation officials can prepare for her highly supervised release.
The urge to “kill someone”
Adopted from a Romanian orphanage at the age of eight months, Bourque grew up in Prince George. While in high school, Maclean said she admitted to having the urge to “kill someone.”
After graduation, she enrolled in criminology and psychology at Simon Fraser University.
While living in residence last March, she told another student she had disembowelled and dismembered cats in the Prince George area and that she fantasized about getting a gun and shooting a homeless person.
She also said she wanted to kill someone in residence and was taking forensic classes because she wanted to “get away” with something in the future.
MacLean said the classmate told campus security, who alerted police.
Bourque was initially arrested under the Mental Health Act and a search of her residence later turned up a blue nylon bag with a kitchen knife, a razor blade, three large garbage bags, a hypodermic needle, a mask located nearby.
Police also found video clips depicting her killing and hanging the family dog.
“She narrated part of the video as she eviscerated the dog,” MacLean said.
Another video depicted Bourque torturing the family’s cat.
“It is clear the animals would have suffered significantly prior to their deaths.”
The Crown stayed separate charges of possession of child pornography. Several psychologists have interviewed Bourque, who shows no remorse or insight into her crimes and nature.
“While intelligent and articulate,” MacLean said. “She had a preoccupation for causing pain.”
3 years of probation
On Wednesday afternoon, Bourque sat quietly beside her lawyer as others discussed the stringent requirements needed to keep her from re-offending during a three-year probation period.
A slight figure with dark long hair styled into braids, she nodded as the judge spoke to her directly about the importance of complying with probation.
MacLean said Bourque’s mother does not want her daughter living in the family home. Once released from jail, a Vancouver police high risk offender team will escort her to her new residence.
She’s not allowed to have anyone in her home from 6 pm to 6 am and anyone who does visit must be made fully aware of the charges she pleaded guilty to and their circumstances.
She can’t associate with anyone under the age of 18 or possess computer software to access the internet. MacLean also forbade her from accessing social networking sites or possessing duct tape, hypodermic needles or knives.
The probation order will be reviewed in three months after her release from custody. MacLean also banned Bourque from owning any animals for life.
“Norma” asked me what made JC’s sister think he was capable of killing me, had he killed before? What made me think he could kill me?
There were subtle things and not so subtle things. For one thing, for a period of time he had a fascination with snuff films on the internet. He would watch the same one over and over again. I never saw it but I heard it. A woman is pleading for her life, crying, for several minutes and then you hear the gun shot. I thought it must be fake, but even so why on earth would anyone want to watch that? Especially over and over again. Apparently it was real and you can find these things on the net which is scary and sick. He watched that video over and over and over until one night he had a friend over and took him into the computer room and showed him. I heard the guy say, “That is sick shit man, I don’t want to look at that” and he came out of the room looking horrified and looked at me like, “you live with this guy?”
He stopped watching it after that. He had an abnormal addiction to porn, insatiable addiction to porn and on the fringes of legalities with gang bang porn, barely legal porn etc.
When 9/11 occurred he had a fascination with that and watched the videos of the towers collapsing over and over again. For years he watched those videos, at first I thought it was out of concern but later I started to wonder if it wasn’t some morbid curiosity.
He used to blow cars up using a balloon, cutting gas, a long wire and the push button off of a barbeque. He could hide behind a bush and blow a car to smithereens. There was so much force when it blew that I was 3 blocks away and felt the earth tremor. The neighbors were always calling the fire dept because of things like that and the big fires he used to build.
Of course there was the tampering with my vehicle.
For a long time I didn’t feel threatened by him, after we split the first time and he and my son fought he stopped the weird behavior. We dated and lived together off and on for about 5 yrs, I was holding back throughout that time but I started to think I must have imagined his weird behavior before, just been paranoid . After we got back together this last time and moved into together in Ladner the strange behavior started again.
Things like he would disappear, I would go looking for him and not be able to find him and then he’d be in the music room and I’d say, “Where were you, I’ve been looking for you?” And he would say he was there the whole time. There is no way he was there the whole time.
Or I’d go out in the middle of the night and find him wandering around in the dark, or watching me from a distance. He just acted like he hated me so much. And of course the tampering with my vehicle got worse.
When my son lived with us JC said he woke up one night and my son was standing beside our bed just staring at us while we slept. He was trying to convince me that my son wanted to kill us. Then when his son was living with us he tried to convince me his son wanted to kill us and told me that he woke up in the middle of the night and his son was standing there staring at us while we slept. I knew he was lying then because it was the same story he had told me about my son. Then I wondered if he was building an alibi, telling everyone his son wanted to kill us and then somehow killing me and blaming his son. I know it sounds crazy and that is why I talked myself out of believing it.
The way he would sneak up on his sister and I in the trailer. There was gravel surrounding the trailer so no one could walk up without us hearing them or at least Kato would hear them; but he would manage to sneak up on us every time and walk in to the trailer and we didn’t hear a thing. He built the stairs going over the fence which helped. But why? That’s when your imagination starts going wild.
He told me he found evidence that his son tried to start a fire under our trailer but his son was afraid of spiders and confined spaces he would never go under the trailer willingly.
When we lived in Ladner I tried to get him to show the young guys there how he blows up cars and he didn’t want to and finally conceded but it barely made a noise; not like I know he could. I had wanted to have witnesses to the fact that he could blow up my vehicle should it ever happen and I couldn’t help wonder if he purposely didn’t blow up the vehicle so there were no witnesses if he did blow me up.
He would secretly feed Kato Beggin Strips knowing Kato couldn’t have protein and then when Kato started to act sick again he would say it was because I wasn’t cooking Kato’s veggie stew but I had found vegetarian dog food and besides that he always complained that I cooked the dog nicer suppers than I cooked him so why would he want me to cook for the dog?
All crazy making stuff, maybe there was nothing to any of it. But I had a strong enough “feeling” that he could kill me that I even said to him that if anything happened to me he would be the top suspect. He didn’t say a word, I thought, “what guy has his girlfriend accuse him of being able to kill her and doesn’t say anything, not even “your nuts” or what makes you say something like that? Nothing. No reaction whatsoever?I have told everyone close to me that if I die go after JC. Then you have to ask why would I stay with someone I thought could kill me.
I can’t help but wonder how many women who are killed by a lover or ex lover suspected it would happen and told themselves they were just being paranoid.
If you feel your partner could kill you, don’t wait to find out if you are right or not. If he is acting strange, if your gut is telling you to be afraid get out!
In a loving relationship you should never even have a fleeting thought that your lover could kill you.
It seems like something like that should go without saying, but women die everyday at the hands of a person who swears loves them.