Tag Archives: Son

The Science of Happiness

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How can you tell it is the first rainy day in about a month? Carrie has watched a bunch of inspirational videos and is passing them along to you! Soul Pancake has become one of my favorite video makers. What they say usually makes a lot of sense. 

They say that the secret to happiness is gratitude and I have found that to be true in my life. I have been down at times and thought, “What the hell do I have to be thankful for?” But there is always something. I have not exactly been on a the fast track to success lately or jumping with joy. Many of the things I thought would bring me happiness have eluded me. Like the post I did this morning about Gillian Bennett, the woman who chose to take her own life instead of slowly die with Dementia and had her husband of 57 years there holding her hand. I will never get to experience that kind of love, not 57 years of it any way and that kinda makes me sad. The longest relationship I’ve had was 10 years and it was abusive. If I were to dwell on it I could make myself quite sad and depressed over it but I don’t dwell on it; it is a fact in my life. One aspect of my life.

I have a son who I am immensely proud of, who loves his momma and called me this weekend to see what I thought of a decision he was making. I doubt my opinion would have changed his mind one way or the other but he needed verification he wasn’t “F’n crazy” (to quote him) and I told him he was asking the wrong person. How does crazy know what crazy looks like, I thought it was a great idea to buy a 40′ yacht and live on board in False Creek Vancouver. I say if you got the means and you’ve got the desire you do what makes you happy and personally I love the ocean and what better place to live? What better place for me to visit? I thank God for my son every single day. 

Every morning I have gratitude for where I live and it didn’t sell this summer so that gives me another winter in the cabin and another year to figure out a way to buy it. But it didn’t sell because it is over priced and there are nicer, cheaper ones in here for sale so who knows, maybe it is not supposed to be this one. I have faith that what is meant to happen will happen when it is time for it to happen. 

I have gone months living on $610 a month, an impossibility; but I have made it through by painting things, selling some things and the odd donation. Almost daily I wonder how I will make it through but somehow I do and for that I am filled with gratitude.

In this video they ask the people who had the most influential person has been in their life. I thought of my son but you know who the most influential person has been, who had the most positive effect on my life; James. Not that it was his intention to be a positive anything in my life, not that he encouraged me to be the best I could be or gave me an example of the kind of person I want to be. But he was the person who made me look at myself honestly. He stripped me down to nothing and I had to put myself back together and ultimately it was the most transforming experience, the biggest growth experience and the greatest learning experience I have ever had. It set me on a totally different life course, took me to a place where my natural abilities and passion to help others are utilized and helping others. It’s really hard to be thankful for that kind of hurt but I am glad I am where I am and I don’t know how I would have gotten here any other way.

In the video they have to call the person they have gratitude for but have no fear I will not be calling James to thank him because like I said it’s not like he did it for my benefit, it was just a lucky byproduct of him trying to destroy me. It could have gone the other way, the way he planned it go to; me dying either by his hand or mine. But none the less, he was the catalyst that brought me here.

Check out the video here. 

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You know its snowed in the middle of the night when you wake up and its very quiet outside. The snow muffles all the sounds.

They were saying it was going to really dump last night but I got home around midnight and nothing was falling yet. But there sure was a lot of the fluffy white stuff this morning.

I love snow; not -45 with the wind chill kind of snow but this kind of snow. The kind of snow that gives you a plausible reason to curl up on the couch for the day by the fireplace (even if its just an electric one). I like taking walks in this kind of snow, hearing the crunch as people walk by. Its supposed to be gone by Sunday but I’m enjoying it while I can.

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Looking up the weeping willow

Since I started painting I look at everything differently. Now when it snows I take note of how the trees look laden with snow, how the branches bend under the weight: even what the road looks like after the plow has been through.

You notice so much more once you have tried to paint a snow scene and all you end up with is a piece of white paper. Snow is white, our eyes see white and until you try to duplicate what you see unto a canvas you don’t realize how many different shades of white there are. I was quite happy for years, decades, thinking snow was white, until I tried to paint.

Once you learn there are shades of blue, grey, crisp white and soft white you never view it the same. Its the same with flowers or trees, to get depth you need shades of colour. To be real it must have shades of colour.

A narcissist is like that. They appear to be like everyone else. They appear to have emotions and seem to care and love but there is no depth to them. They aren’t real, or the image they project is not real. When they are in a relationship and the depth of their personality is tested it becomes apparent they have no depth of character. They are one colour, no shading, a blob of colour on a piece of paper.

Once you get to know them and realize they are a sham; even if you stay you can never view them the same. After you have been with a narcissist you can never view people the same. You get accustomed to looking for sharing, depth of character and can readily pick out the people who are a facade and those who are real.

It amazes me now how I got so sucked in by JC but I had never had to deal with a narcissist before. I had gone decades quite happily assuming all people were basically alike. We tend to think other people think like us, have feelings like us, that they hurt, love, feel guilt, remorse and if they get angry they have a good reason. So we don’t challenge what we see, we are happy in our ignorance.

But our innocence was taken away by the narcissist and now we have to face the facts and it can be an ugly truth, or it can be a rebirth and something positive. It took me a long time and I can’t honestly say I never think of JC and feel regret, or wish he had been different but I don’t allow myself to dwell on it. I have come away from it all with a greater appreciation for the good people in the world.

It is hard to describe, but once you have been away from the narcissist’s influence long enough you develop an appreciation for the beauty around and in you. I have never been more content with who I am than since the narcissist. He almost broke me, I don’t think I could have gotten much lower than I was, I can’t imagine it. I still have the same flaws in my character that I always had but I don’t stifle myself any more, I don’t second guess myself or doubt myself any more.

One thing that being with JC made me do was to look deep within, I took his criticism to heart and I forced myself to look at myself and my motives.

This is what I came up with; my motives are pure, they were when I was with him, I loved him, I am a good person and I never purposely set out to hurt anyone in my life. I may say something silly sometimes, I may ramble on at times, I speak my truth always and some people don’t like that kind of honesty.

For example while working with my son there were times I know I embarrassed him with my openness about living in poverty. He even said one night in front of everyone “Why do you have to bring up the past, I am trying to put my past behind me.” I wasn’t talking about him per say but to some degree my past is his past and I respect that. But he hadn’t been in on the conversation I was having either and just walked up at the point where I was sharing something from the past. It really wasn’t the topic of conversation. I walked away and went to my room. I was upset at first but then realized he didn’t know what we were talking about and he has a right to be upset but I have a right to speak about my life also. A couple of days later we were walking along and I said something about some times shocking people with my bluntness and he stopped and put his arm around my shoulder and said, “You have earned the right to say anything you damn well please.” and he is right I have, as long as I do it responsibly.

I am not a blob of colour or a sheet of white paper and neither are you, we have depth and shading, and character and we are all very special. Not everyone is going to love us but that’s ok as long as we live in honesty we don’t need everyone to love us. I don’t care what JC thinks of me any more because I know who I am and it feels great.

span class=”post_sig”>There is life and light after the narcissist, I promise! Hugs Carrie

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My son drove to see his daughter this weekend and sent me a picture. I saw the picture and tears filled my eyes, there is no love like the love you have for your child. It just makes hurting over some one like the N seem so absurd. JC did everything within his power to destroy the relationship between Kris and I, how could I have ever loved someone who would do that? Beyond me! So thankful it didn’t work. I am so blessed!!

Now back to where I was before we were so rudely interrupted.

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The trailer project, let me fill you in;

I went to Everglades to visit my old neighbour there, her son is living with her and he walked around the park with me showing me a few of the lots he thought might be available and took me to talk to a couple of people. He is buying a trailer and a lot in the resort on a “rent to own” basis at $500 a month for 5 years. A deal like that would certainly work for me. Apparently since I moved out the rules have changed and only owners can live there year round. Now that causes a dilemma! But my friend said that a rent to own agreement makes you an owner so year round is allowed. Another way around it is a couple of the owners have sold 1% of their lot to the renter and then they are part owner and can live there year round, so there are ways around the rule.

A week ago I saw a notice on the bulletin board saying “For Sale or Rent Lot #240 and an email address, no phone number” I had emailed and not heard back and hadn’t been able to find lot #240 when I had walked through at night so my friend and I hopped in his truck and took a drive around the resort. Many of the lots are too small for a 40’ trailer and I started to kinda lose hope but then we found lot #240. OMG it is my dream lot, this is it. I hate to even say anything because it is exactly what I want, EXACTLY!! I should have taken a picture but if you look on the map up top of this post the lots are numbered, this lot is on the far right of the island right on the lake about in the middle. There is a little leg of land coming off the island to a small chunk of land (if that makes sense at all!!) the dark blue is the lake and the light blue is a man made canal. Lot 240 is on the lake side of that spit of land. While we were there a fish jumped in the lake and an eagle flew overhead. I used to go out early in the morning to watch the eagles and heron fish and this spot would provide that exact thing. The lot next door has a beautiful old weeping willow tree that hangs down almost to the water, there is a chain link fence on 2 sides, the lake on one side so I would only have to fence one side to keep the dogs in. There is a really old trailer on it that looks like it hasn’t been used in 10 years. I paced it out and the trailer would fit with enough clearance to be within the rules and regulations.

While we were there a man walked up, he’d seen us drive past, and seeing as it is a dead end and he didn’t know the vehicle he came to check us out. (my very own security patrol, gotta love that). He was the owner of lot 240. Apparently he has a cabin a few lots down, doesn’t own a phone and apparently doesn’t check his email. He had a gruff approach, typical of an old timer; leary of folks he doesn’t know; which is as it should be.  I told him I had seen his sign saying to rent or sell and I was interested in either.

He said he wasn’t too sure he wanted to sell now, it is a really nice lot and he is starting to have second thoughts and thinking he might want to leave it to his nieces and nephews but he would like a long term renter for sure. I don’t want to live in that old dinky trailer and he said he bought the place off of an old lady that had it for sale forever and couldn’t sell it and that no one had used the trailer since she left and that was 6 years ago. He said he keeps it to the lot to park his extra vehicles on and as a guest trailer if someone comes to stay but he was going to take it out of the park because it is so old. I asked if he would consider rent to own because they won’t allow full time renters. He said get approval from the park management and then come back and talk to him, so he didn’t say no. Then he said he has another lot that is empty just across the road. He bought that lot because he didn’t want anyone living there because it would block his view of the bell tower of the monastery (remember I spoke about the bell tower in a post once, I love that bell tower) it is lot 233 and on the canal. It is a bare lot, just grass, but my trailer would fit. My friend said, “Don’t start compromising, don’t even let him know you will take the lesser lot, go for the nice lot and don’t back down.” He is going to go with me to talk to strata tomorrow and then after that we will go talk to the fellow and hopefully it will all work out. I think he might just be cautious who he sells to, you know? He was warming up to me in the end and was really quite friendly by the time we drove off so I am not giving up hope yet. There is one more lot that I could rent if the strata council lets me move in and it is almost at the very top tip of the island lot #319 which would be right on the lake too so it would probably be my second choice.

I phoned a friend that has a tow truck about towing the trailer and he’s gotten rid of his tow truck but was telling me about a 40’ trailer with 3 push outs that someone wants him to haul away, he said it is really nice, doesn’t need fixing at all and I should see if I can get it. It is already set up on a lot in another park. This park isn’t as nice as Everglades but it is very well treed, their standards are not as high as Everglades and they are all year rentals. I went to look tonight but it was dark and I couldn’t see much, I will call tomorrow. They had a sign saying vacancies so I could move my trailer in there if I wanted to we’ll see. My first choice is Everglades for sure. This other RV park is 15 minutes out of Mission going the other way, so ½ an hour from Everglades but still closer to civilization than I am now. It would be closer to Vancouver and only about ½ an hour away from my brother. It’s an option.

So that brings you up to date on the trailer situation.

I kinda looking forward to the challenge of fixing up the first trailer with no money and seeing how cheaply I could do it. But then again there could be a lot of issues with it, like it has sat so long all the pipes probably leak, the propane
system would need to be inspected. My son called today and it turns out that work is too busy right now, he can only get 4 days off and he will be spending them seeing his daughter. To drive all the way from Saskatchewan to the BC coast and back to Sask is too much in 4 days; I wouldn’t allow him to do it when he has been working such long hours. I’m worried about him driving as far as he has to to see his daughter but he hasn’t seen her in a year and he is determined so I can’t say much.

I told him what has been going on with JC and he offered to call him and deal with it but I said to leave it alone, JC would love to find any excuse to charge Kris, he has tried before to lay charges of uttering threats. I promised Kris I would go to the police so he felt better about it. He said, “Just give me the word Mom, I can’t stand the man. As far as I’m concerned he’s a waste of skin. besides I told him when he apologized and said he wanted us to be a family that I’d give him another chance but if he blew it he would have to deal with me and I chose to walk away but I can always come back.” I have to agree he`s a waste of skin that’s why he isn’t worth the trouble it would cause for my son to “deal” with him. Let someone else’s brother or son “deal” with him, it will happen one day I am sure.

Also if Kris isn’t coming out then he can’t take Laila, BUT the park does allow two pets so I would be in the clear there as long as I can cure her of wanting to kill every dog she sees. THAT could be difficult but not impossible.

I have bought an electric fireplace for the trailer already, how is that for positive thinking? I was in Habitat for Humanity last Friday and they had a bunch of fireplace mantles and one electric insert. The glass is broken on the fireplace but it still lights and throws heat. The glass is just to keep kids from falling on the hot logs it doesn’t affect the functioning of it; I was able to pick it up for $50. They wanted $150 for the mantle but gave me a deal of $100 for both. Its paid for and waiting to be picked up, I am thrilled!! It should heat the trailer no problem.

Well time to hit the hay with the puppies, Laila came and nudged my leg, Kato went for his pee and they are standing here looking at me.

I pray everyone on the east coast is dry and safe tonight. I was thinking today that my problems are pretty small compared to those people dealing with Hurricane Sandy.

God bless everyone!
See you all tomorrow

My Heaven on Earth is so Close!!

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I woke up yesterday morning in bed with two puppies snuggled up tight against me and had a feeling it was going to be cold getting out of bed. I went to sleep with my clothes on the night before, jacket and all because it was simply too cold to get undressed and put cold pj’s on but a person can only wear the same clothes for so long and then you have to brave the elements. I went and huddled by my portable heater and listened to the torrential rain and then hail and then rain again for the better part of the day. Finally the sun came out and warmed the trailer a bit and I got changed and took the dogs for a walk.  When I got outside I realized why it was so cold, the snow is so low in the mountains!! OMG!! I panicked, I have to get out of here before the snow flies!!! And it is too close for comfort now!!

I have a trailer that I am really excited about that is a very viable option.

I did a yard clean up 6 -7 years ago for a couple of brothers who bought a property together. There was a house, a double wide trailer and a 40’ holiday trailer that was left behind. They each took a home and offered me the trailer. Back then I had no use for it and they wanted several thousand dollars for it.  I had gotten to know them and their dad quite well through the cleanup and one of the brothers gave me information about digestive enzymes for Kato and was instrumental in saving Kato’s life. I kept in contact with them and eventually JC met them and one of them for sure was on his Facebook.

I hadn’t seen them since before JC and I split, so almost 3 years has gone by, but I drove past their property and they still have the trailer. I really didn’t want to go there, I don’t know if JC has taken his new woman there to show her off (that is just his style).

It had been embarrassing enough that on his FB he had over 2000 “friends” 90 % of which were porn stars and “movie” stars from all over the world and I was listed as his girlfriend. He had gone from “In a relationship” to “Single” to “In a relationship” all in the matter of 6 weeks and been posting pictures of her and him as his profile pic right from day one. And going on about how life’s setbacks are so much easier when you are with the right woman. And he had the best birthday; EVER!!! and how she cut down the trees, milled the lumber and built a home all by herself, and how he’s such a lucky man.

He wouldn’t even acknowledge I exited 1/2 the time. I took myself off his Facebook while we were still together because I got sick of every time I signed in I would be inodated with, ” JC just friended some woman and maybe I want to friend her too” messages, dozens of them every day. My kid and some of my friends were on his FB, his son, it was so disrespectful. Then his African sweetie plastered all over his wall that she wanted him and couldn’t wait to see him again and did it not once but three times in a row. But when I went in and did a few of those quizzes you do to see how your answers match up with someone and they post on the person’s wall; he gave me shit and said I was being catty. He said his uncle was a very religious man and on his site and he didn’t need to see my crap. pardon me???? Oh there I go again; see? I just have to say his name and I get pissed off.

Back to what I was saying.

It still hurts I have to admit, if you doubt that you didn’t read the previous paragraph. So I just wasn’t too anxious to go there and answer questions; you know what I mean?

Finally I got up my courage and went to see them last week, yes they had figured JC and I were split, I told them he had been abusive but didn’t go into details.

Yes they still wanted to get rid of the trailer but now it is a lot older and is in need of repair.

They said it isn’t livable at the moment. I didn’t say it but I was thinking, “You don’t know the kind of places I lived with JC.”

I asked to see the inside and it was much nicer than I remembered, in fact it was nothing like I remembered it, it wasn’t even the same layout!! I must have dreamed I went inside it. I thought it had been gutted but it has the kitchen…….I am going back today or tomorrow and will post pics.

The push outs have leaked and gone rotten around the inside edges but I am sure they can be fixed, they were once, but the push outs weren’t sealed properly and they leaked again. I know from living at the resort that all push outs leak eventually and you have to build a roof over them if you plan to live in them. The bathroom even has a tub! Oh to soak in a tub even a small one would be heaven, simply heaven!! It needs a fridge and hot water tank. I know where I can get all the laminate flooring to do the whole trailer for nothing or very cheap, some ply wood, insulation, and I am set.

It just so happens my son called the other night to tell me that he is driving out for a holiday, the second week of November, stopping to see his daughter and then coming to see me before he heads into Vancouver for a few days. I told him about the trailer and he said his buddy Zac (they have been friends since they were 5, Zac is like my own boy) and he will dedicate a full day to doing anything that needs doing on the trailer and maybe he will be able to talk Brodie, another long time buddy to come help. I am sure I can come to some sort of deal on the trailer probably $500 and hopefully paying in payments. So trailer is a done deal, the work crew is a done deal, the only issue now is I have no where to park it and THAT is a big issue.

I have put an ad on Craigs List and I went to the resort last night and looked on the bulletin board and there are quite a few lots for sale or rent so I will make some calls today. I didn’t think I would ever want to go back to Everglades after leaving there, looking in my rear view mirror as I pulled away and thinking, “If I never see that place again it will be too soon.” It took me about 6 years to even go back to visit friends but I have been driving past it every day for 4 months and it has lost it’s power over me.

I always loved the resort, I had made some good friends (who are still there) and was a welcome addition to the little group that lives there year round. It was JC that left the bad taste in my mouth (and every one else’s mouth too), not the resort. It has all the makings of my “Heaven on Earth” dream. A small little place, near water, where I can have a dog (or two) but my son wants to take Laila back with him (that solved that problem), where I can have a little plot of land for a garden, they have wifi, cablevision, it is ½ hour closer to civilization, my phone has reception there, and it is close enough and big enough I could have family and friends over for dinner.

PLEASE say a prayer that I can work out some sort of deal there!! I am scared because it really could be the answer and as you know my life hasn’t always gone real smoothly. Please God let this be it Please!!!!!

Thankful For The Memories

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I used to love all of the traditional holidays, and as much as I love Christmas and the decorations I think my favorite holiday has always been Thanksgiving. It was my favorite because you got the big turkey dinner, the family get-together and none of the commercialized gift crap.

I started a tradition at my Thanksgiving table that as we ate we would go around the table and everyone had to say what they were thankful for. It didn’t matter what had gone on in someone’s life they were still expected to come up with some thing.

Years ago before Kris was born Victor, my 1st husband had lost his brother in a tragic fishing accident. They had been fishing and drinking out on the lake in early spring so the water was extremely cold. The boat flipped, there were three of them and only two life jackets. Victor was going to swim for help, he was the most physically fit. Don was a big guy, couldn’t swim and was panicking so they got him in a lift vest first. Victor’s brother, Micheal,  was wirey and probably weighed 75 – 100 lbs less than Victor and had the other life jacket on. They decided Victor should stay with Don because he was stronger and could keep Don from drowning and Micheal would swim to shore for help.

Michel and he argued about the life jacket, Victor wanted Michel to wear it and Micheal wanted Victor to wear it. Micheal agreed to keep it on but he swam a ways and then turned and threw it back to Victor.

They waited and waited; it wasn’t that far to shore; but it was dusk and they couldn’t see if Micheal made it. Finally after calling out and not getting a reply Victor left Don and swam to shore. He ran down the road calling for Micheal, nothing. Then a truck came by and they hadn’t seen any one.

They got Don out of the lake, but they had to drag the lake the next morning and found Micheal, he had drowned only a few yards from shore; they figured he had succumbed to the cold. Victor had a horrible time dealing with his brother’s death and at the reception we had at our house after the funeral he ran off down the street so consumed with grief I imagine he was trying to out run it.

I went to go after him and my older brother John (a weight trainer, who was solid muscle) stopped me and said he’d go. A while later I saw the most heart wrenching scene I have ever seen; coming across the front lawn was my brother with tears running down his face packing Victor in his arms like a baby. He packed him into the bedroom and tucked him into bed.

That Thanksgiving my mom was cooking the Turkey and she thought it would be too painful for Victor to say what he was grateful for so she didn’t do it. When we got home Victor said,”We didn’t say what we were thankful for this year” I told him my mom didn’t think we should because it would be too hard on him. He said,”But I’ve been thinking about what I was going to say for weeks.” I told him to phone my mom and tell her.” So he did. Micheal loved the thankfulness thing and would have been proud of his brother.

Another favorite Thanksgiving was while I was living at Cultus Lake. It was a fall similar to this year, very warm sunny days and brisk cold nights. The salmon were spawning, the crowds of summer had left until next year, the lake was like glass and the full time residents were out walking enjoying having their lake back. I wasn’t going to do a big dinner, my mom and step dad were on vacation, my cousin had plans, it was just Kris and I and I was quite looking forward to not having a house full. Then my brother called and asked if he could bring a date for Thanksgiving dinner.

Me: Oh! uh! sure! See you tomorrow, whenever you get here will be fine.

I jumped in the car and ripped down the hill to buy a turkey. There was no time to thaw a turkey so I had to spend the extra money and buy a fresh one. It was bar none THE best Thanksgiving dinner I have ever eaten or cooked. I kept it simple, Brussels Sprouts in a cream sauce, home made stuffing, no sausage, or nuts; just good old fashioned bread stuffing with fresh herbs from my garden. mashed potatoes, sweet potato broiled with brown sugar glaze, corn, and my favorite casserole of broccoli, cauliflower and Durkee onions. I had everything prepared the night before so it was just a matter of popping things in the oven.

I put the bird in the oven and walked to the lake, stopping to have a chat with my girlfriend Tina on the way. She joined me for a glass of wine on the dock. It was such a beautiful day, so warm I decided to take a dip in the lake with my clothes on,and was just going up to the house looking like a drowned rat when my brother pulled up with his “flavor of the week”, a gorgeous model. I got changed and we went for a long walk, played in the playground.

My brother pushed me on the merry go round until I couldn’t walk and thought I was going to be sick, then we wandered home. I had no idea how long to cook a fresh turkey but before we even opened the door we could smell its deliciousness. Dinner was flawless and we ate until we had to undo our pants moaning and groaning asking each other,”Why do I always do this?” They stayed the night and I sent home leftovers for both of them. It was a glorious day.

This year I am thankful I have memories like that; so many wonderful memories.

Even the last year JC and I were together; he had told me he wanted me to move out, his sister was still staying with us and his mom had given us a turkey. The bird wouldn’t fit in our tiny oven so I decided to cook it on the barbeque. As always I made my own stuffing and this time I kept dinner really simple but it was so tasty. I wrote JC and his sister each a letter saying what about them I was thankful for. It was a very nice dinner, bitter sweet because it was like the last supper but we had good conversation even though JC had to say it was nice to finally get a decent meal. I went to bed alone.

In the morning there was a letter from JC on the table for me and he had shoved one under the door of his sisters bedroom. They were nice letters; too bad he didn’t mean what he wrote. Mine was blank on the first 1/2 and he started by saying,”I have no idea what I was supposed to write above.” Then he said he needed to change his attitude and promised he was going to change, things were going to change……for the better. Two weeks later he made us miss his nieces wedding.

Ah well. I am thankful I no longer hold false hope that he will change. I recently heard he has not changed at all. I’m not surprised but it is little consolation.

I am thankful I have healed as much as I have and I actually go days without crying.

I am thankful for everyone who visits my blog, them sharing their stories has helped me more than I ever thought it would and more than they could know.

I am amazed and thankful that I have had almost 43,000 hits and almost 200 followers. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would reach that many people.

Every time I check messages and there is one that says “thank god I found this site” or “You literally saved my life” I am thankful I started the blog and I am accomplishing what I set out to do.

I am thankful my son is working and happy, although I miss him horribly.

I am thankful he messaged me yesterday and said, “Everything is going to be ok. I love you” .
I messaged back. “Why do you say that!? Are you ok?? I love you too Honey”.
His reply: Lol I was being supportive; I know you’ve had a tough couple of years.
Me: Oh! Thank you but stop it! you had me worried.

I am thankful that my puppies love me.

I am thankful that I am not sleeping in my truck.

I am thankful I have hope for a better future because last year I didn’t have any hope. And without hope life isn’t worth living.

I am thankful I laugh regularly now.

I will be thankful when this weekend is over and I don’t feel so lonely.

     HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! to my friends all over the world. Tell me what you are thankful for this year or share a Thanksgiving memory.

Heaven on Earth

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The kiss of the sun for pardon,
The song of the birds for mirth.
One is nearer to God in a garden
Than any place else on earth.

Dorothy Francis Gurney

The above is an exert from a poem by Dorothy Francis Gurney; I used to have a wooden plaque hanging in my garden with that verse on it.

Through the worst times of my life I have found comfort in my garden. When JC and I were at the resort I spent hours tending my garden, crying, praying for answers, praying for strength, praying for my son and my brother, praying to be given one more chance to save my boy, praying for serenity, and sometimes cursing God for giving me too much to handle.

I always came away from my garden feeling calmer, stronger; it was my refuge. It has been for most of my life. When I lived at the lake before I even met JC I would be out there with a flashlight and a glass of wine tending my garden. It seemed the harder the time I was going through the more beautiful my gardens were. Every year I dug up more sod for more flowers. The little English lady that lived across the street and could barely walk made her way across the road slowly with her walker and came up to where I was pulling weeds and she said, ” I want to thank you for your lovely gardens. I look out my window and your gardens take me back to my childhood and the lovely English gardens. You have a loving touch; I’ve watched you. I just wanted you to know you have given this old lady much pleasure with your gardens.” and she shuffled back to her house. I’ll never forget it and of course I cried.

When we were at the resort I couldn’t afford plants but all the neighbour brought over plants and bulbs as they thinned out their gardens, one brought over a filing box with tons of different seeds for me to pick from. It was a tough year emotionally, like I said, I did alot of praying. It was the most beautiful garden I’ve ever had.

Gardening is so community minded, it brings people together, gives them something to talk about. A person can be talking by and feel free to say, “Your garden is lovely”. Or gardeners are always so willing to share plants, advice, and ask questions. Somehow a garden removes fences, class distinction, age, and even gender, gardeners are all on the same team.

I missed my gardens this year, I planted gardens last year and got compliments but I didn’t take the time to enjoy them because I was on borrowed time there and was trying to work as much as possible. This year I did plant some, but lack of water took its toll.

I pray that someday I have a tiny place, nothing fancy, I’m easy to please. 400 sq ft would do me just fine, with a fireplace (there is nothing like coming home from a long walk on a brisk fall day and the house is toasty warm from a crackling fire) There are few things more rewarding than getting up in the morning to a cold house and finding a few red embers still in the wood stove because all that’s necessary is to pull ghetto damper and throw on a few dry pieces of wood and in minutes the house is warm again.
I want a kitchen big enough that I can cook a pot of soup or chilli or maybe a pot roast and have a few friends over to share my fire and a bottle of wine.  lots of windows to let the sun shine in and hang crystals in. And a covered porch to hang wind chimes and a wooden rocking chair so I can sit out there even when it rains. One wall of book shelves for all those books I keep moving with me and some day want to read, but they look good until then. 🙂 I love books.

A place I can paint. A freezer I can fill with baking at Christmas and maybe even some cabbage rolls and tourtierre. A bath tub I can fill with bubble bath and keep adding hot water to until I am pink and wrinkly.

And a tiny yard trimmed with gardens.

And never have to move; just grow old there, Grandma’s house. Where my son and grand daughter can come to visit and know there are cookies in the cookie jar and my son will go to the freezer and grab some frozen cookies and I can give him shit for eating them before Christmas.

That is what I pray for. Not much, nothing fancy; not a knight in shining armor to save me, no trips around the world. Just a little bit of heaven on earth. The sun for pardon, the bbirds song for mirth.

What for you pray for?