Tag Archives: Son

The Science of Happiness

How can you tell it is the first rainy day in about a month? Carrie has watched a bunch of inspirational videos and is passing them along to you! Soul Pancake has become one of my favorite video makers. What they say usually makes a lot of sense. 

They say that the secret to happiness is gratitude and I have found that to be true in my life. I have been down at times and thought, “What the hell do I have to be thankful for?” But there is always something. I have not exactly been on a the fast track to success lately or jumping with joy. Many of the things I thought would bring me happiness have eluded me. Like the post I did this morning about Gillian Bennett, the woman who chose to take her own life instead of slowly die with Dementia and had her husband of 57 years there holding her hand. I will never get to experience that kind of love, not 57 years of it any way and that kinda makes me sad. The longest relationship I’ve had was 10 years and it was abusive. If I were to dwell on it I could make myself quite sad and depressed over it but I don’t dwell on it; it is a fact in my life. One aspect of my life.

I have a son who I am immensely proud of, who loves his momma and called me this weekend to see what I thought of a decision he was making. I doubt my opinion would have changed his mind one way or the other but he needed verification he wasn’t “F’n crazy” (to quote him) and I told him he was asking the wrong person. How does crazy know what crazy looks like, I thought it was a great idea to buy a 40′ yacht and live on board in False Creek Vancouver. I say if you got the means and you’ve got the desire you do what makes you happy and personally I love the ocean and what better place to live? What better place for me to visit? I thank God for my son every single day. 

Every morning I have gratitude for where I live and it didn’t sell this summer so that gives me another winter in the cabin and another year to figure out a way to buy it. But it didn’t sell because it is over priced and there are nicer, cheaper ones in here for sale so who knows, maybe it is not supposed to be this one. I have faith that what is meant to happen will happen when it is time for it to happen. 

I have gone months living on $610 a month, an impossibility; but I have made it through by painting things, selling some things and the odd donation. Almost daily I wonder how I will make it through but somehow I do and for that I am filled with gratitude.

In this video they ask the people who had the most influential person has been in their life. I thought of my son but you know who the most influential person has been, who had the most positive effect on my life; James. Not that it was his intention to be a positive anything in my life, not that he encouraged me to be the best I could be or gave me an example of the kind of person I want to be. But he was the person who made me look at myself honestly. He stripped me down to nothing and I had to put myself back together and ultimately it was the most transforming experience, the biggest growth experience and the greatest learning experience I have ever had. It set me on a totally different life course, took me to a place where my natural abilities and passion to help others are utilized and helping others. It’s really hard to be thankful for that kind of hurt but I am glad I am where I am and I don’t know how I would have gotten here any other way.

In the video they have to call the person they have gratitude for but have no fear I will not be calling James to thank him because like I said it’s not like he did it for my benefit, it was just a lucky byproduct of him trying to destroy me. It could have gone the other way, the way he planned it go to; me dying either by his hand or mine. But none the less, he was the catalyst that brought me here.

Check out the video here

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You know its snowed in the middle of the night when you wake up and its very quiet outside. The snow muffles all the sounds.

They were saying it was going to really dump last night but I got home around midnight and nothing was falling yet. But there sure was a lot of the fluffy white stuff this morning.

I love snow; not -45 with the wind chill kind of snow but this kind of snow. The kind of snow that gives you a plausible reason to curl up on the couch for the day by the fireplace (even if its just an electric one). I like taking walks in this kind of snow, hearing the crunch as people walk by. Its supposed to be gone by Sunday but I’m enjoying it while I can.

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Looking up the weeping willow

Since I started painting I look at everything differently. Now when it snows I take note of how the trees look laden with snow, how the branches bend under the weight: even what the road looks like after the plow has been through.

You notice so much more once you have tried to paint a snow scene and all you end up with is a piece of white paper. Snow is white, our eyes see white and until you try to duplicate what you see unto a canvas you don’t realize how many different shades of white there are. I was quite happy for years, decades, thinking snow was white, until I tried to paint.

Once you learn there are shades of blue, grey, crisp white and soft white you never view it the same. Its the same with flowers or trees, to get depth you need shades of colour. To be real it must have shades of colour.

A narcissist is like that. They appear to be like everyone else. They appear to have emotions and seem to care and love but there is no depth to them. They aren’t real, or the image they project is not real. When they are in a relationship and the depth of their personality is tested it becomes apparent they have no depth of character. They are one colour, no shading, a blob of colour on a piece of paper.

Once you get to know them and realize they are a sham; even if you stay you can never view them the same. After you have been with a narcissist you can never view people the same. You get accustomed to looking for sharing, depth of character and can readily pick out the people who are a facade and those who are real.

It amazes me now how I got so sucked in by JC but I had never had to deal with a narcissist before. I had gone decades quite happily assuming all people were basically alike. We tend to think other people think like us, have feelings like us, that they hurt, love, feel guilt, remorse and if they get angry they have a good reason. So we don’t challenge what we see, we are happy in our ignorance.

But our innocence was taken away by the narcissist and now we have to face the facts and it can be an ugly truth, or it can be a rebirth and something positive. It took me a long time and I can’t honestly say I never think of JC and feel regret, or wish he had been different but I don’t allow myself to dwell on it. I have come away from it all with a greater appreciation for the good people in the world.

It is hard to describe, but once you have been away from the narcissist’s influence long enough you develop an appreciation for the beauty around and in you. I have never been more content with who I am than since the narcissist. He almost broke me, I don’t think I could have gotten much lower than I was, I can’t imagine it. I still have the same flaws in my character that I always had but I don’t stifle myself any more, I don’t second guess myself or doubt myself any more.

One thing that being with JC made me do was to look deep within, I took his criticism to heart and I forced myself to look at myself and my motives.

This is what I came up with; my motives are pure, they were when I was with him, I loved him, I am a good person and I never purposely set out to hurt anyone in my life. I may say something silly sometimes, I may ramble on at times, I speak my truth always and some people don’t like that kind of honesty.

For example while working with my son there were times I know I embarrassed him with my openness about living in poverty. He even said one night in front of everyone “Why do you have to bring up the past, I am trying to put my past behind me.” I wasn’t talking about him per say but to some degree my past is his past and I respect that. But he hadn’t been in on the conversation I was having either and just walked up at the point where I was sharing something from the past. It really wasn’t the topic of conversation. I walked away and went to my room. I was upset at first but then realized he didn’t know what we were talking about and he has a right to be upset but I have a right to speak about my life also. A couple of days later we were walking along and I said something about some times shocking people with my bluntness and he stopped and put his arm around my shoulder and said, “You have earned the right to say anything you damn well please.” and he is right I have, as long as I do it responsibly.

I am not a blob of colour or a sheet of white paper and neither are you, we have depth and shading, and character and we are all very special. Not everyone is going to love us but that’s ok as long as we live in honesty we don’t need everyone to love us. I don’t care what JC thinks of me any more because I know who I am and it feels great.

span class=”post_sig”>There is life and light after the narcissist, I promise! Hugs Carrie

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My son drove to see his daughter this weekend and sent me a picture. I saw the picture and tears filled my eyes, there is no love like the love you have for your child. It just makes hurting over some one like the N seem so absurd. JC did everything within his power to destroy the relationship between Kris and I, how could I have ever loved someone who would do that? Beyond me! So thankful it didn’t work. I am so blessed!!