Tag Archives: Starting to Date After 10 yrs

At 53 after being monogamous to one man for over 10 yrs I am thinking about starting to date, but things have changed!

Oh So Ya Wanna Hear?

Well, last Saturday was a pretty shitty day all in all. I was going to do the flea market. (I found these really cool clothing display racks behind the mall in Langley, I would put a picture if my camera worked on my new phone, but that’s another issue and I’m already juggling 2 and not even done the first paragraph! Any way that’s where I met Tyler, a homeless guy that I disrupted when I went to look at these racks. Nice young fellow, been on the streets since he was about 13, he’s 21 now. But I’ll give him his own post later.)

Where was I? Oh right, the clothing display racks that fold up so neat, perfect for someone who sells clothes at the flea market. So I was loading them and other stuff for the flea market Saturday and I got a call from a guy who saw my ad selling my other truck, the 91 GMC. He knows the truck from seeing me at Amix, he has cash and he wants to buy it. So I spend my last $20 on fuel to get down to Surrey and he doesn’t show up. I didn’t have enough fuel to get home, hadn’t had a smoke since 9 in the morning cuz I was out and broke.

I made it to the flea market and every one is starting to pack up so I pulled right in beside an old friend who I just ran into last week after 6 years. Oh! Yeah! I wanted to talk to him because last weekend when I ran into him he had said there was an empty RV spot where he lives and I think I can get a fixer upper trailer for free. Another side issue I’ll discuss at another time.

Annyyyywaaaay, this guy walks up and asks if I am setting up to sell and I said no, I want to talk to my friend and see if he wants to buy one of these racks off me. He said how long are you going to be and I said I didn’t know; was there a problem?

He said if I was setting up to sell I had to pay $10, I said I wasn’t selling, every one is packing up.

My friend didn’t want the racks and neither did anyone else but a woman walked past and liked a big picture frame I had on the truck so I sold it to her for $10 and took the dogs for a long walk. When I got back there was a pizza box stuck on my windshield with a note written on it from that guy, saying I owed him $10 because I sold something. Oh for the love of God!  now my friend was upset because the guy came down on him about me selling something. Sheeeesh now I probably won’t get the RV site. Oh well.

I put the $10 into fuel for my truck and headed to Mission, I was going down the road where all the 2nd hand stores are and one was open, Belle’s, she’s been around forever and has a little bit of everything in her store. It is much too crowded for the clothing racks but I had a few old window frames, and an old typewriter she bought for $20.  I told the kids Momma’s got money!!!

I think they thought I said let’s go for a walk because they got up and were wagging their tails looking at me expectantly. I told them first Momma has to buy smokes. I pulled into a little plaza at the end of town, there’s a corner store and a liquor store there. I was going to back into my parking stall but there was a nice looking grey car with two men in it who had just left the liquor store leaving so I motioned for them to go ahead and I’d wait. I went in and bought myself 1 Mike’s Hard Lemonade and a pack of smokes and then took the puppies for a good long walk to the other end of town and back. Kato was dragging his butt at the end so I left him behind and got the truck. My phone was ringing but I was too busy getting Kato in the truck to answer and forgot to even check for a message. Then I got a text message that said……
Mysteryman- Just saw you at liquor store. You married? Attached?
Me – I’m single. I don’t remember seeing anyone at the liquor store.
MM – silver car, you were backing in, then I saw you walking. Anyway I liked what I saw! 🙂
Me – oh ok thank you walking:)
MM – Buy you a drink?
Me – That would be nice.
MM – xxxxxx Pub 9? Or somewhere else…..
Me – oh! You meant tonight! I have plans tonight.
MM – My name is xxxxxx and I never contacted anyone like this before. Very spur of the moment. Your number was on your door.

MM – Another time then?
Me – Hi xxxxxx lol sure you’ve never done this before that’s what they all say! Just kidding. I’ve never done been asked out like this before either. Another time would be great. Do you live locally?

MM – I do and usually quite shy Haha what’s your name Lady Witha Truck?
Me – Oh I thought you would have gotten that off the truck too. It’s Carrie.
MM – wasn’t looking much at the truck.
MM – what are you doing tonight? I know you got beer. So do I!
Me – I bought Mike’s and I’m going to a girlfriends to get silly.
MM – you already sound silly. Text me on your way home. We can have a drink under the stars. PS come home early!
Me – lol I don’t take orders well. Besides early is subjective.
MM – lol !! I like that. Try me anyway.
Two hours later.
MM – offer for beer under the stars still stands. Unless it rains. 🙂

I was at my g/f’s until almost 4 am. So of course I didn’t text him; doubt I would have even if I would have been early. I certainly wasn’t going to ditch my g/f for a drink with a stranger. (I wouldn’t ditch a g/f for any guy, that’s rude)

I was very complimented though. I haven’t heard from him since. The thing for him to have done was ask me out a day or two ahead. So I guess that’s that.

But it put a smile on my face and I think I must look ok in my skinny jeans. LOL. Maybe I still got it?


Protected: About That JC Character

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How To Not Date A Narcissist

So many sites I’ve visited about narcissists give a list of characteristics that by the time you pick up on them you are in too deep; he has you hooked already.

Prior to getting involved with JC I had what would be considered a stereotypical view of what a narcissist was like. I think many people have the same views I did; that a narcissist is some guy who is full of himself in obvious ways, such as; he is vain and always looking in a mirror, primping his hair etc, talks about himself incessantly, a “lady killer” “lady’s man” what ever you want to call a guy that has women flocking around him, flexing, arrogant, but, all in all harmless enough.

Most people feel they could pick a narcissist out of a crowd no problem. What they envision is a cartoon character narcissist, staring into a mirror and falling in love with himself.

My first impression of JC was far from that; in fact the first 6 months were some of the best times of my life; I was in love and believed with all my heart that he felt the same if not more than I did. We just “clicked”.

At first meeting I thought that he was kinda preppy, university educated, that he had money but he wasn’t concerned with impressing people with it (he drove a BMW but was wearing runners that he had taped up the toe, he had on a crisp white shirt and faded ripped jeans). He seemed confident yet not arrogant in any way. He had a great sense of humor and laughed at something I said. He put me at ease right away and listened intently to what I had to say and asked me about myself. When he did offer up information about himself he seemed almost self conscious and down-played his accomplishments. He seemed humble, trusting, and almost naïve “in a boy from Saskatchewan kinda way”. I thought I had finally met “one of the good ones” and I was impressed. He introduced me to his friends from school and took me to his staff Christmas party, took me home to meet his mom within the first month. He was kind, even tempered, the guy never got angry about anything, we were able to discuss anything openly and I thought honestly. I didn’t see him angry for almost the full first year.

So what would have given him away? I am about to share that with you and here we go; each of these points by themselves would not be cause for alarm but if he has a majority of them I’d say cut your losses and run! Don’t look back.

1) The number one thing they all have in common and should be a HUGE red flag is the whirlwind romance. From the first date he is enamored with you and can’t get enough of you. With JC I actually told him to back off a bit, that he was going to scare me away because I liked my alone time. He called me at work several times a day, wanted to see me every night and I lived and worked an hour and 1/2 from him and had my son at home so I couldn’t but he would pressure me. Then if I said no he’d offer to meet me 1/2 way and take me for dinner. If I was at his place and he was going to the corner store he’d want me to come along; he wanted me along with him every where he went. He wrote me little love notes all the time, bought me flowers. I felt uncomfortable about it sometimes but I had walked away from nice guys before and wasn’t going to do that this time.

2) Wants sex early like the first or second date and won’t take no for an answer. You almost have to get angry for him to back off and he can’t seem to get enough sex. Again many guys want sex the first or second date, but on our 3rd date, I went to his place and he literally attacked me the minute I walked through the door. I laughed and said, “How about a glass of wine first?” He poured me a glass but I never got to drink it.

3) He thinks you are perfect and he loves you just the way you are. No one is perfect and if he puts you on a pedestal too early you’ve only got one way to go-….down…… hard.
It was early in our relationship maybe 6 months into it, we’d just started living together and I was overwhelmed. I was commuting 2 hours a day for work, he was unemployed and home all day because he had lost his license for 3 months due to an impaired charge.(Red flag) I would come home and the place would be a mess, dirty dishes, car parts in the sink, dirty clothes and I’d have to clean the kitchen before I could cook dinner. We had talked before I moved in about division of work and agreed if we were both working we would share the house keeping duties. Here he wasn’t working, spending all day on the computer, making a mess and I was coming home and doing it all. One night I started to cry and said that I couldn’t do it all. He took me to bed and held me stroking my hair and said, “Don’t be so hard on yourself, I love you just the way you are.”

I said, “That’s the problem, I can’t keep doing this, this isn’t me. I don’t want to do it all”

He just kept saying I was being too hard on myself and we ended up having sex and nothing got resolved.

He loved me if I was doing things his way. We would discuss issues as they came up and I would think we had resolved them but nothing would change.

4) He is too good to be true, his life is larger than life, he’s done more than any guy you know. He makes it sound like he carries the load at work, is top of his class in school, did everything in his last relationship and she did nothing but sit around eating bon bons and demanding more money. JC had a way of bragging where he seemed he was embarrassed to tell me things about himself that made it appear like he was being honest.

Remember too, pictures are not proof of anything. JC had pictures of all the cars he’d owned, all his semi trucks, places he’d travelled, his guitars, houses he’d owned, and he had diplomas for all the trades he said he had tickets in (he wasn’t ticketed in any trades). Diplomas can be downloaded off the internet, he even printed off a list of racing stats that had his name on it showing his racing stats from several years prior when he owned a race car (all fake), and pictures only prove he knows how to use a camera.
When we were getting to know each other he shared stuff about his past that I believed for the whole 10 yrs I knew him and didn’t find out the truth until after we split.

It is a special kinda hurt to know you never knew the person you loved and lived with for 10 yrs; they were a lie from start to finish.

5) He says he loves you within a week or two. Let’s be honest real love doesn’t happen in a matter of days, it takes months. JC was holding me after sex and got tears in his eyes, pulled my head down on his chest so I couldn’t see him “crying” and in a choked voice said, “I think I’m falling in love with you”. I was so touched, he had told me saying I love you wasn’t something he said easily and he cried. Awwwww one day I arrived at his place and he put a CD in and danced with me to a love song and he cried and said he loved me. I believed him and I actually believed he loved me more than I loved him.

In the past if a guy came on too strong or seemed to be totally “smitten” with me it usually turned me right off. I can remember with JC making the conscious decision to allow a man to love me and take care of me like he said he wanted to. I chose to allow myself to relax and enjoy the good thing I’d found. I think that could be part of the reason I am struggling so hard; I chose to love him and I was so wrong.

6) If he is broke and has nothing because he was taken advantage of by his last girlfriend/wife and all his ex’s are psycho bitches, RUN!! Think about it; either he has really bad taste in women, is a wimp who won’t stand up for himself or he turns women into psycho bitches; either way you don’t want him.

7) He expects you to be available and will pressure you to drop your plans to spend time with him at the last minute. ie: He asked me out on a Friday night, I went down to his place and spent the night. I was getting ready to leave Saturday and he was upset I was leaving. I told him I had plans and he talked me into changing my plans and staying. Another time we had plans and then his mother came to town and he said I had to go because he wanted to spend time with his mom. I understood and drove the 1 1/2 hrs home only to have him phone a couple of hours later and ask me to come back. I believe he was testing me to see if I would do it or not and how I would handle it. I did end up going back, but I spoke to him about it and told him I wasn’t impressed, he apologized and I thought I got my feelings heard. But it was just the start of him controlling me.

8) Pushes you to move in together within a few months but will try to make it seem like your idea. ie: he hates to have to leave you and go out of town to work but he can’t afford to live otherwise.

9) He doesn’t have any “history” you can verify; ie: he’s new to town, doesn’t have any long time friends, new job or just lost his job, family in another town. JC was new to the area and apparently when he breaks up with a girl he invariably leaves the immediate area, he was always starting new jobs. But when I met him he was just finishing up school in water/sewer technology.

10) Within a short time needs to borrow money that he will pay right back, his money is tied up, or its a deal that’s going to make you money, whatever the excuse; don’t lend any man money unless you’ve known him at least a year; make sure he can keep a job long enough to pay you back. At first he wines and dines you, money doesn’t seem to be a problem and next thing you know he’s asking to borrow a few bucks. He will pay you back right away; he’s building your trust for when he asks for the big bucks.
(JC asked me to borrow money several times in the first few months; once for a thousand to buy a car he could resell for twice that: I said no. Then he wanted money for his cell phone bill and I said no. He said it was that high from calling me and I said, “stop calling so much”. Money became the biggest issue between us; he always said I owed him money for something. It got to the point that if he wanted to give me something I had to ask, “Is this a gift or are you going to expect me to pay you for it later? Because if I have to pay for it I can’t afford it and don’t want it; if it is a gift then thank you very much”. ie: he talked me into buying a different car and then wanted to put his stereo and wheels and tires on my car. I refused, saying, “what if we break up and then you will want your stereo and wheels and tires back and then what will I do?”
His reply with a hurt expression on his face was, “Baby, we aren’t going to break up and if we did anything I give you is yours to keep.” I wish I would have listened to my gut and stuck to my initial instinct to say no; I heard about owing him for those wheels and tires for years until I finally sold the car to pay him for them and even then after I said, “Now, am I paid up?” And he said yes he found something else I owed him money for)

11) He is very protective of his privacy, guards his cell phone, hides the computer screen when you walk in, makes private phone calls in another room. I had no idea JC was seeing a woman when he met me; I found out 8 years later when he told me he would go down to his car and make sure she hadn’t left him any cards or letters on the windshield of his car. He had told me he wasn’t seeing any one. One time only about a month after we met we were leaving his place and he said he’d meet down at the car. I waited for a while and then went back to see what was taking him so long and overheard him on the phone say, “OK Babe, nightie night.” I said, “Babe?” (He had called me Babe since our 2nd date) he looked startled and said, “Did I say Babe? That was my sister, Geezz I call every one babe”.

Me: Everyone?

Him: Well it slips out sometimes but haven’t you noticed when I say it to you my voice changes?

If you make him wait a year before living together, or giving him money and if he keeps his job and doesn’t get in trouble with the law, and if you don’t catch him in a lie in a year I would say you can be pretty certain he isn’t a narcissist. There is no way a narcissist can keep the facade going for that long without some how slipping up. Beside he will have moved on to an easier target within a few months.

12) He makes it sound like he wants to be a better person because of you. He is going to change any of his short comings because you are so wonderful you motivate him to be a better person.

Don’t let him pressure you into doing anything your gut is telling you not to.

Keep your friendships, and listen to your friends if they feel uneasy about him for some reason. Friends have clear heads, yours is clouded by this all consuming love.

You must be strong; they are master manipulators and will try every trick in the book, including injuring themselves, spying on you, and trying to turn family and friends against you or you them.

JC didn’t start to exhibit the abusive behaviour until we were together at least 6 months and it didn’t get physical until about a year and 1/2 into the relationship. But believe me the emotional abusive, control and manipulation started on the first date.

I guarantee you will not be sorry or another one of his victims if you take it slow and easy. A truly healthy love takes time and an emotionally healthy man will give you and the relationship time to grow.

Here’s to narcissist free dating.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

Lessons On How To Be An Jerk

A few months ago I Googled “How to seduce a woman” to see what would come up. I was appalled at how many web sites are out there on how to get any woman into bed.

I used a generic email address and pretending to be a male joined one site to see what kind of material they would send.

Following is a typical title of one of the newsletters I get weekly.

“How to Manipulate The Target’s Friends To Your Advantage”

They always refer to the woman as the “target” which is insulting enough but then they go on to describe in detail how to manipulate a woman’s nature instincts in your favor; guaranteeing that if you follow their instructions you will get laid.

These aren’t simple dating instructions telling guys how to dress or how to treat a woman in order to get her interest it is strictly how to get laid the quickest way possible.

Years ago JC was printing something off of the internet and didn’t realize the printer had run out of paper it hadn’t finished printing. He went to work, I went to print something and low and behold what should print out but an instruction manual on how to get any woman into bed.

When I confronted him on it he said it was for business. Business? What kind of business? He said the techniques were the same as you would use in closing a business deal. Don’t worry; I didn’t shallow that one. (He wasn’t always good at thinking on his feet) but I let it go when he threw all the pages away.

A year later when I was trying to close a drawer in the bathroom and it wouldn’t close all the way I took the drawer out to see what was stopping it from closing and what should appear? Nope not 8 tiny reindeer! Ok, I’ll tell you. The entire book on “How to Get Any Woman into Bed” which was about 100 pages AND a dozen porn magazines.

He blamed the porn on the previous owner’s teen age son’s but he just shrugged off the seduction book. I threw it out and damned if it didn’t reappear a few months later in his brief case. I never did get to read the whole thing but from what I did read I could recognize some of the tactics he had used on me.

Most of what these courses teach guys is to keep the woman guessing. Treat her like shit but give her just enough to keep her hooked. Come on sweet and loving and then not call when you said you would or ignore her and pay attention to her friends more.

Don’t compliment her much in fact one said to criticize her in a subtle “joking” way.

Anyway, there have always been a$$holes in the world and books on seduction but now it is at the finger tips of every man and teenage boy out there. I think that is what bothers me the most, before the internet this kind of information wasn’t available to a young guy. I raised my son to treat women with respect and if I ever saw him do otherwise I brought him up on it.

Like the one time I caught him sneaking a young girl into his room. Teenagers think adults are deaf, dumb, and stupid. I was upstairs in the bathroom and heard the back door open and the whispers and giggles of Kris and a girl. I waited a short while and then went down to his room and knocked on his bedroom door.

Him, “What?”
Me, “Can I come in?”
Him, “I’m having a nap Mom”.
Me, ” A nap? Are you sick, I should come in and make sure you don’t have a fever”
Him, “I’m fine Mom”
Me, “Come open the door Kris”
Him, “Maaawmmm”
Me, “Kris, open the damn door, NOW”
He opened the door and I can see he’s excited to have company.
Me, “You and your little friend can come upstairs and talk to me.”
Him looking rather sheepish, “ok mom”.
I went upstairs waiting in the family room and I saw him walking the girl to the gate and called them both in and made them sit down. I caught the “eye roll” at each other.

I asked to be introduced to the girl and recognized the name to be a girl he had talked about who had the hots for him and he wasn’t interested in, in the least.

I said, “do you guys know why I am upset?” And they shook their heads.

I said, “I have been a single mom for most of Kris’s life and he has seen me get hurt by men. I have always told you Kris, I expect you to be honest with a woman and to treat her with respect” He nodded.

I went on, ” I don’t think you are being honest with this young lady and that disappoints me. And you my dear” looking at the young girl. “You don’t ever have to have sex with a guy to get him, you have to have enough respect for yourself to not give it up just to get the guy; because in the long run they will use you and dump you. I am not saying you have to wait until you’re married or even that you have to love each other. But Kris, you have to be honest about your intentions. And to the girl I said, “I had a baby at 16 and gave it up for adoption; you don’t want to go through that believe me. But more than that, if you don’t respect your body and your value no one else will”.

Then I dismissed them. Kris walked her out and then came back and apologized to me for his behaviour. I told him he didn’t have to apologize but I wanted him to think about it.

It is the only time I stepped in and gave my son shit for how he treated a woman. I have always been proud of the respect he shows women his whole life.

But what happens with the boys that aren’t taught how to treat a woman and the only instruction they get is off the internet?

Just my thoughts.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck using WordPress for BlackBerry.

The Internet and the Narcissist

Like I said in a previous post that you can read here https://ladywithatruck.wordpress.com/2012/03/14/wife-kriss-mom-victim-survivor-lady-witha-truck-carrie/, I had quite an addiction to the internet for a period of time after my marriage broke up. So I understand the attraction of the internet and how it can take over your life. I also know that no healthy person in a good relationship is going to jeopardize their relationship by being on the net excessively.
Either they are unhappy in the relationship and seeking a diversion or they have other issues; like being a narcissist.

My marriage fell apart because my husband wasn’t very motivated to work because I was making good money running my day care. Unfortunately I had waited too long for him to get his ass motivated to work and I was having to sell MY house to pay off our debt and his that I had co-signed for him.

Lesson # 1 for dating later in life. Keeping the house in your name when you get with a man with nothing does not necessarily protect your home. If you co-sign debt you are responsible for that debt and if you can’t pay you lose your home.

My experiences on the net:

I was burying myself on the net because I couldn’t deal with what was happening in real life.

And I mean b.u.r.y.i.n.g.!! I barely came up for air.

I was addicted to chat rooms and flirting (not porn or xxx dating sites just boring over 40 chat rooms).

I also had some sexy young studly type fellow beep in on my ICQ that I was chatting to.

Eventually the fellow on ICQ wanted to meet, wanted me to fly to Nashville to meet him. He was a sexy fellow I must say, and he made it sound very tempting. He sent me gifts and mailed me beautiful love cards, called constantly and I was seriously considering going. But I wasn’t going to meet any man without checking him out and asked for his address and land line phone number and hired a company called 1-800-us search and found out the fellow didn’t exist. No such name, no such number and the address was in an undeveloped industrial area. When he called the next time I gave him an earful and said to take a flying leap. Of course he had all kinds of crazy explanations like he was in the witness protection program.
Seee yaaaaa!!!!

There were two other fellow I talked to regularly one was a lawyer in Wichita. We shared the cost of my flight out to Wichita and had an ok weekend together. He wasn’t nearly as good looking or witty in real life. He had a harem in the chat room and I almost hadn’t gone because I had been vocal in the room about meeting and the other women were jealous.

* Beware of men with harems!

Nothing bad happened while I was there. Interestingly enough he wasn’t at the air port when I landed and I had some panic but I called, woke him up and he came and got me. I was happy to leave in two days and we never chatted again.

The other fellow, Jim, was ex FBI. I said, “Yeah and I’m an international spy! And shoot bad guys with my umbrella and talk to people with my shoe”.

He didn’t think that was funny. He actually needed to do a security check on me before I came. I did my own investigating of his info and he checked out. He had recently retired and wanted to take a trip with a woman and wanted me to be that woman. I said I couldn’t afford it and he said, “Did I ask you if you can afford it? It is worth the money to have you come on a vacation with me, I don’t want to go alone.”

So he booked my flight to North Carolina and I flew out for a 2 week all expenses paid vacation with a man I’d never met. I had the time of my life!!! He indeed had worked for the FBI and had the commendations to prove it. We spent a few days in North Carolina and then drove down to New Orleans. Every day, every single day, I woke up and there would be $100 in my wallet. If I spent $50 one day the next day I would have $100 again. I have never had a man treat me so well. I never had to ask for money and he never made me feel I owed him. He didn’t make a big deal about it, just topped up my wallet every morning. We laughed, we saw the sights, I cooked supper for his friends and he treated me like a queen the whole time I was there.

In New Orleans we met a female friend from the chat room and the 3 of us did up New Orleans with style. An outside Beach Boys concert that had the 3 of us dancing til we dropped, my g/f insisted I eat all the southern fare like Po’boys, and Jumbalaya, we walked the French Quarter, listened to jazz bands, and watched the fireworks on July 4th. I didn’t want to go home and knew it was a relationship that would go no where; just a great vacation. A month later he and my g/f met for a weekend and that kinda cured me of long distance romance.

After that I joined POF and dated a few local guys, each one a disappointment in one way or another. There was the guy who I met at a local night club who weighed at least 150 lbs more than what he had told me. Nice guy, brought me gifts, (homemade jams) but I was anorexic, obese and me just don’t work; sorry. Nothing against over weight people; I just can not get past the weight. Its my problem; just like I can’t date a guy who weighs less than me and is shorted than me. I just can not handle feeling like I can pick a guy up or if I roll over in the night I might squash him.

So the next guy didn’t work either; he was a nice looking black guy and I mean BLACK! He was meeting me at my cabin at the lake. I had walked with my son to the lake and was walking back when the fellow called to say he was at my house. I was walking up the street and couldn’t see him, his car was there but he was no where to be seen. Then on my porch in the dark shadows I see him smile. If it weren’t for the white teeth I would have totally missed him. And he had that great Jamaican accent but when he came out of the shadows my hopes dropped. He was all of 5’5″ and I outweighed him by at least 30 lbs and I was skinny. We had a great day but I was honest up front, I gotta have a man at least my height and weight. Its my hang up about being heavy but I have dated guys shorter than me (seems short guys like tall women) and I have found that many short guys want a tall woman to show off and they can have a “short guy attitude”. I don’t mean to offend short men and more than likely I have not met any short men reading this so you could be totally different. I am speaking from my experiences only. So please don’t send me hate mail. Like I said it is my problem.

The next fellow was a psycho personified; we didn’t get past the first phone call. He called several times; constantly and wanted to come up to my place at 11 at night and when I said no he got angry and called me all sorts of names I can’t repeat and then kept calling alternating between being apologetic and making excuses(he’d just quit smoking) and hating my guts. I eventually blocked his number.

Then I met Ian, a long distance guy again but at least in my country. Good looking, had a great job as a city planner, my height and we had a lot in common. He flew out to meet me in November and arrived with half a dozen Christmas gifts; nice but a little too much too soon. I had really liked him on the phone but in person I don’t know; it just wasn’t there for me. He loved me already which was a bit unsettling and gave me that feeling in my gut that tells me; you don’t want to go there.

In between these guys I met guys who even once we had met in person still continued chatting on line with me. Or guys who only wanted to talk online and not phone. There were the guys who only called late at night and wanted to know what I was wearing and wanted me to touch myself and send pictures.

There was the great looking guy who swore him and his wife were separated but he only called in the middle of the night, wanted phone sex, and I couldn’t call him. Upon further questioning he still lived with his wife but it was over; honest!
Seeeeee Yaaaaa!

I was waiting for another online date (this was going to be the last) when I met JC.

I could not believe my good fortune. We “clicked” we had so much in common it was almost spooky. From the first time we set eyes on each other there was something there I’d never felt before. Love at first sight? He was 6′, handsome, had a great sense of humor, owned property on the coast(lie), and he told me a bunch of other lies but at the time I took it as the truth. The one big thing in his favor was he didn’t even own a computer! Thank you God!!

He called me on the phone and we talked for hours, we had real in person dates and real in person sex. He cried when he told me he loved me the first time. He took me to meet his family, he wined and dined me. We blitzed Vancouver, hitting all the neat little shops, stopping to share an appetizer and have a drink in a quaint open air pub. He was nuts about me and from the first date we talked every night and saw each other 4 out of 7 nights.

From the first night together we slept wrapped up in each other waking up in the morning still holding each other; I had never experienced that before and I loved it. For the first time in my life when I went to bed with a man I felt that as long as I had his arms around me everything would be ok. I don’t remember ever feeling that way before.

The passion of our love making was almost intimidating to me. I had always been an adventuresome , playful and active participant when having sex but with him I was almost shy and I think it was because he was so powerful, the feelings were so powerful. He was insatiable, rarely did a night go by without making love 2 or 3 times in the night. I had never known a man who “could” do it time after time like that.

I moved in with him after about 4 months; I know it was quick but we were spending so much time together, money was tight for both of us and it just made sense.

I brought my computer, and in a heart beat everything changed. He didn’t want to ever leave the apartment, every time I walked in the room he’d shrink the screen. I knew I saw tits but he denied it.

Then came the day we were supposed to go to my folks for supper and he wasn’t ready to go. I nagged a bit to get off the computer and get ready and then I thought to hell with him I’ll go alone. When I got home he was still on the F’in computer and when I walked in I swore he shrunk the screen. I teased him about looking at porn and he denied it. I’m no dummy and we had such good communication I couldn’t believe he’d lie. So I checked and sure as shooting there was all these porn sites in history.

I jokingly told him he was busted and he got very defensive and blamed it on Kris my son who hadn’t been on the computer in months. That is when I checked history more and discovered his ad in LavaLife lookTo not have him come to bed was very upsetting for me, when I’d wake up in the morning and realize he hadn’t come to bed I couldn’t help but cry or be angry; either way it was a horrible way to start the day. It was the last year that I stopped caring and when I knew it was over.

For years he said “If you knew the truth about the ads you wouldn’t be upset.” But he never told me the truth. I told myself that it was an ego boost for him that he needed to know he was still attractive and could get a woman if he wanted; it was innocent really.

He said things like:
When do I have time to meet any other woman?
I don’t know why you get so upset; you know we always end up together.
My reaction to the ads was what pushed him to go looking for other women.
Why didn’t I try to be more attractive instead of being angry then he wouldn’t want to look elsewhere.
I actually talked myself into accepting that the ads meant nothing and stopped reacting but if he wasn’t getting a reaction he upped the anti. He needed the reaction for narcissistic supply.

The situation escalated; as soon as I stopped reacting to something he would take it a step further. His communications got more personal; he stopped looking for casual sex and started looking for a relationship. I think he did go to meet a few of the women but for the most part from what I was reading it was mostly phone calls, plans to meet that fell through, and him professing his love and wanting her to commit to him and him promising the world.

Warning signs that the fellow you have met on the internet is not all he professes to be or that your man is being unfaithful on the net:

– On Facebook he had what I call “poser” pictures; JC had pictures that were provocative in a subtle way like the picture of him taking his shirt off and his abs showing. He was constantly taking pictures of himself especially the last couple of years.

– Even though we were in a committed relationship he never talked about his life with me on Facebook When ever he spoke about what he did on the weekend he spoke as if he did it alone.

– He kept his conversations private. Most people I know on Facebook have their settings so that all their friends can read their wall but he had his setting so only he could read his wall. Every conversation was private and he had many women from all over the world he was talking to. I felt uncomfortable to say anything personal on his Facebook.

– His life was larger than life and the women were giggly over his attention.

He had many sites where he chatted and had two Facebook accounts, one with just family and one where he was his fantasy self. He had one woman leave Facebook and they chatted on High 5, I don’t know what excuse he gave her as to why they had to go to a different site.

He had several women he chatted to on MSN chat. (I just about died when I went into MSN and he had changed his profile and had pictures of the 3 most important people in his life and it was his ex and her two kids. When I confronted him he said it wasn’t finished it was supposed to be the 30 most important people in his life. OH GIVE ME A BREAK!!!

One woman was sending him naked pictures (if a guy you have never met wants nude or semi nude pictures he is not in love with you!!! Give your head a shake!!) And he was telling her how he knew they had something special; he could feel it in his gut. He acted really jealous when she went out and said things like, “Save it for me” “I hope you are being good, I am”. (that was a message sent on New Years eve and he was with me)

He was telling another one that he couldn’t wait until the day he put a ring on his bride’s hand. When I confronted him on that he said, “I said my brides hand, I didn’t say she was going to be my bride.”

He loved everything each woman loved, with one he loved to dance (he danced with me 3 times in 10 years, he hated to dance)
He told another that he loved long walks (he never walked any where, he’d drive to the end of the driveway to get the mail)
He was an expert on everything, if he didn’t know it he looked it up.
He never traveled but online he loved to travel
He was always unemployed but online he was making $150,000 a year and at the point in his life he could set his own hours and taking time to enjoy life. (in reality he spent all his time at work when he had a job, had no money and never wanted to do anything fun)

When he left his accounts open and I found them when I went on the computer and I sent all the women each others letters he told them all that his psycho ex had hacked into his computer and was trying to ruin his life. He pleaded with them to not let her destroy what they had.

He’d tell them to go out side and look at the moon at a certain time and he would do the same and they would both be looking at the moon at the same time and for her to imagine his arms around her and some day soon it would happen.

Each woman was “the” one; he couldn’t get them out of his mind. If he couldn’t make a planned meeting and she understood he would say, “I knew I loved you for a reason, that’s my girl I knew you’d understand”.
His phone would ring and he wouldn’t answer but he would be text messaging a few minutes later. Sometimes when I would call him he wouldn’t answer and then text message me saying he was busy and would call right back. It didn’t take long before I figured out that if he was with someone else he wouldn’t answer his phone and just text message, he could do that without the person he is with over hearing a woman’s voice on the phone and he could still say I love you in text message.
He called women in the middle of the night or during the day. He would sit out in his car when he got home from work talking on the phone for sometimes hours. If the guy you are talking to hardly ever calls in the evening, if it’s always during work hours or late at night chances are he is involved. On the same vein; if you can’t call him or he rarely answers in the evening and text messages instead of calling, he’s got someone at the other end he’s doesn’t want to know he is talking to you.

If he is still living with the woman but it’s been over for a long time; he only stays because of finances, the kids, she is suicidal, or until the house sells – run!! it is bullshit

If a woman contacts you and says she is his wife or one of several women he is chatting with believe them. The odds are she is telling the truth and she is not a psycho making his life hell like he would like you to believe.

If a guy can’t meet you in person in a relatively short time frame assume he has other commitments that are getting in the way; like a wife and kids. If he is that busy with work then he is a workaholic and do you want to be with a man who can’t make time for you.
If you are talking on the phone and he has to get off suddenly (someone just walked in the room)

If he doesn’t want to show that he is involved with you and chat openly on Facebook and says it’s because his ex is on his Facebook and he doesn’t want to upset her either they haven’t been split long enough, he’s not being straight with her, they aren’t ex’s, or he has several women on there he is talking to. I am on some of my ex’s Facebook and I couldn’t care less if they are involved with a woman.

Pictures don’t prove anything! JC had pictures of a bunch of semi trucks and trailers that he told me were of the trucks he used to own when he had his own trucking company, also pictures of vehicles he had owned and a house he said he was buying. It was after we split and I was talking to his sister I found out none of it was true. Just because he shows you pictures of the places he’s traveled, the stuff he owns does not make it true.

If he won’t give you an address that you can verify something is not right

A lot of people don’t have a land line any more, which used to be a tell tale sign if you couldn’t call them at home but now that’s not so unusual.

Before you ever go to another town to meet a man, verify his address, his employment, call him at all hours and see if he answers. Google his username; you’d be surprised what comes up, sure other people could be using the same username but you can tell pretty quickly if it is him or not. People often use the same username for everything. JC used 2 different user names and when I Googled them he came up in a dozen dating sites, his comments on POF forums came up, all the porn sites he belonged to, every site he belonged to, his picasa web photos, etc. Googling their name probably won’t bring up stuff they don’t want people to see. I think it cost me $100 to do a search on a fellow in the states and it probably saved my life because he didn’t exist, now a days it is pretty easy to do your own search. The reason I paid for it was because when I did my own search I couldn’t find anything but when I paid for a search they didn’t find anything either, he didn’t exist.

The internet has just made it easier for a narcissist to spin his web and reach farther than prior to the net, in now way does it mean that they don’t exist off the web. Like I said I met JC in a bar, I was happy he wasn’t on the internet, I had sworn off of dating sites etc. so just because you meet a guy off the net doesn’t mean you are safe, they are every where. JC’s mother told me that she was looking for something and opened a box that was downstairs, it turned out to be one of JC’s boxes he had stored there and it was full of naked pictures of women and letter from them; he had been doing this for years. He would answer personal ads in the newspaper before there was the internet. Being a trucker was ideal for him also; he could have a woman in every town and had the perfect excuse for not being around much.

I found with JC, he would inadvertently tell me things about his past and I filed them for future reference. Like in the beginning he told me he had screwed around once on his long time common in law, she had always falsely accused him of cheating so when the opportunity presented itself he had thought, I am being accused anyway I might as well do it.; in other words he was telling me to not accuse him of cheating. That should have been my first red flag. Years later he was telling me about the two women he met in a ar that went back to his truck with him and they had a threesome, and about the women he had in different towns that he would see when he went through those towns and about calling a woman and saying I am coming through town pack a bag and ride with me and he’d fly them home a week later. When he went back to trucking 20 years later when he called and asked me to give it another try he thought he could do the same thing he did with her. He was building his trap line but I remembered him telling me about his past and was on to him.

What it all boils down to is; no matter where you meet a man, if he sounds too good to be true he probably is and you have to do your homework. If he is legit, he will understand and be an open book because he wants to reassure you. The minute he is defensive, offended, or “disappointed” you don’t trust him you should be concerned.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck using WordPress for BlackBerry.

There’s Alot To Be Said For Aging Gracefully

I was visiting a friend’s blog this morning http://mysterycoach.wordpress.com/2011/10/24/sexual-enticement/#comment-1724 and once again she got me thinking; this time about sexual attractive and how it clouds our judgment.

OH HOW I CAN RELATE!! My hormones/sex drive whatever you want to call it has gotten me into more than one fine mess. James is the most recent one, (fine mess), and to be totally honest I walked, no I RAN to the slaughter like a dog in heat! (Any one who has visited my site in the last month knows I know all about dogs in heat!! *wink* Haha

I can’t believe I’m going to admit here; for the whole world to read; what a shallow horny little toad I was!

I had just rolled over the 40 year land mark and was feeling rather smug with myself about “looking pretty good for a woman in her 40’s”, I was about a year out of a marriage and had just put an ad in Plenty of Fish, dated a few guys and realized I really wasn’t into meet a man. I removed my ad and deleted all the photos of guys I had been chatting to, but there was one determined fellow who insisted on meeting me in person even after me telling him I really wasn’t into dating after all. We lived a bit of a distance from each other and just didn’t want to put the effort into meeting this guy.

I was managing an office at the time and organizing the staff Christmas party; which was being held at an expensive restaurant in a quaint little tourist town about half way between us. I reluctantly told him that if he wanted to meet me at the pub across the street from the restaurant I’d be there on Thurs night; so that was the plan.

My meeting at the restaurant went a lot quicker than I had anticipated so I went to the pub to wait for my “date”.

I didn’t have a clue what this guy looked like. I had seen his picture but I had looked at dozens of photos POF prospects and had deleted all of them off my computer.

I didn’t want to admit to the guy I had deleted him so I was planning on winging it. It was mid week, I figured I’d just keep my eye out for a guy who looked like he was looking for someone and I was the only single woman in there; how hard could it be.

Well, he got stuck in rush hour traffic, I’d been there an hour or more and I decided I’d go out to the patio for a smoke. I positioned myself so I could keep my eye on the door and ordered another glass of wine. Just as I was finishing my 2nd smoke and downing the last of my 2nd glass of white wine (I could really pound them back in my younger years) I saw a man walk into the pub and stop; he was scanning the room, obviously looking for someone.

He was much better looking than I had expected. I did a quick assessment; at least 6′ tall (tick), dark curly hair (tick), glasses, that dimple in the chin that always makes my knees weak (double tick), slim, wearing an expensive looking black leather jacket with a freshly pressed cotton shirt underneath and those faded jeans were fitting him just right(TICK)

I was feeling confident| you know when you are looking good and I’d worn a dress I’d had many compliments on. It was short!! Really short! I had 4 inch pumps on which made me about 6′ 2″ and all leg. (When you don’t have boobs you gotta flaunt whatcha got)
I had my shoulder length hair dyed a vibrant red at that time and wearing it in what my brother called my “FF” (Freshly fucked) hair-do.

I walked into the pub and our eyes met, I flashed him my biggest smile and strided towards him holding my arms out in anticipation of giving him a hug and he stood there smiling back at me, “oh geezz he had those cute little bad boy dimples when he grinned”. I was only a few steps away from him when I realized; this can’t be my date; he’s much too young. Without missing a beat I made a sharp left turn and went and sat at my table.

I must have been as red as my hair sitting there looking out the window (looking any where but at him) thinking, “Oh God Carrie! You fool! Had to have that 2nd glass of wine didn’t you? Oh God if you truly do exist please beam me up now!!”

I ordered another glass of wine (I know I know….) And was still cursing myself when I heard a male voice, “would you like to join me, let me buy you a drink?” I turned, saw his faded jeans at eye level and slowly raised my head until our eyes met and mumbled something about waiting for someone. Flashing me a “perfect teeth” smile he said, “Just my luck, I’m not surprised but had to try. Have a nice night” and walked away.

Oh Lord! Can this get any worse? The guy must think I’m a nut case! I needed to use the washroom which meant walking past his table. I sneaked a peak at him, he was on his cell phone, lounging comfortably in his seat, legs outstretched, he had that air of subtle confidence I find so dang attractive. Ok this was crazy, I really needed to pee!

As I walked past his table he was still on the phone but gave me a 1/2 smile and nodded his head. When I came out of the bathroom he was off the phone and I quickly walked past his table avoiding eye contact. I sat down and then I got back up and walked over to his table. He smiled again and looked at me expectantly.

“I feel I owe you an explanation seeing as in the last hour I almost hugged you, turned you down for drinks, told you I am waiting for someone and I’m still sitting here alone wishing I could crawl under a rock” We laughed and I explained how I was meeting this guy and didn’t know what he looked like. He asked me how I liked internet dating, he’d never tried it himself. The conversation was easy and we laughed a lot; we “clicked”. I excused myself and went for another smoke.

That was it; I was going to finish this smoke and then I was out of there. I’d been waiting over an hour for a guy I didn’t even want to meet.

As I walked back to my table and past the faded jeans guy’s table he handed me a slip of paper and said, “If your date doesn’t go well I hope you’ll call me”. We were both holding the slip of paper looking into each other’s eyes when my date walked in.

“Oh Good Lord!! It just keeps getting worse!” I thought as I slipped the paper into my purse and pasted a smile on my face.

By now I REALLY needed some food in my stomach so we ordered appetizers. My date was a slightly over weight pompous lawyer who had to put a price tag on everything at the top of his lungs.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw the faded jeans guy paying his bill, as he walked out the door he gave me a grin and a little wave. I felt like screaming, “Come Back!” I tried to stay focused on the conversation with my date but the jeans guy came back, forgot his smokes, and waved again as he left. 10 minutes later he was back getting matches off the waitress and waved goodbye again. Then a few minutes later he was back again; this time sticking his head into the pub and giving me one last wave, a wink and a grin. The droning of my date brought me back down to earth and I checked my watch; we’d only been sitting there half an hour. I could not sit there listening to this braggart much longer and I thought to myself, ” I don’t have to”.

I said, “Look I’ve been here for hours, I am tired and have an hours drive home, I really have to go”. He tried to protest saying he’d fought rush hour traffic to get there and now I was leaving? Could he call me again? I said I really didn’t see us going any where, put $20 on the table and told him to have a good night.

I had never called a man first in my life but when I got home I opened the folded piece of paper……. James….. And a phone number. I dialed and hung up half a dozen times before I found the courage to let it ring.
He answered, my heart was in my throat but I managed to say something like, “I hope I’m not calling too late, it’s Carrie, I met you in the pub tonight?” As if he’d have forgotten me already.

He sounded pleased to hear from me, (you know how a guys voice softens when he realizes who he’s talking to) and asked, “How was your date? It didn’t last very long.”

He burst out laughing when I said, “Horrible, the guy was a pompous ass lawyer and I couldn’t wait to get out of there”.

“Pompous ass you say?” And he had another laugh. We talked and laughed for hours then before we hung up he asked me out for drinks Saturday night. We met for drink as planned and as before we just “clicked”. There were no uncomfortable silences, the conversation flowed, I found him fascinating, he had a way of being confident without being arrogant, and he appeared as taken with me. He wanted to know about my life and my interests, we laughed easily and shared a quick wit. He was obviously enjoying my company as much as I was enjoying his.

He had to work the next day so we said goodbye early. We hugged (finally) and I gave him a little kiss on the neck, he kissed my cheek and then our lips found each other and I remember thinking, “Thank You God! He knows how to kiss!”

We had already made plans to get together the next day. He had just picked up his new BMW and needed someone to drive his other home for him. He was working during the day and heading home to Sechelt in the evening so it was only going to be a short date. He said he’d call me when he got off work; which he did and we agreed on a meeting place.

I got there just minutes before him. He got out of his car and excused his appearance, he’d just gotten off work and was grubby. I was dumb struck, so obviously turned on I couldn’t even fake otherwise. He was wearing the black leather jacket, his bare chest and just a glimpse of a six pack exposed because he had only snapped the bottom snap. He must have noticed my drool and volunteered, “My shirt got dirty at work so I took it off”. I felt my face getting warm and couldn’t think of one damn thing to say. He turned to go do something and not only was the knee of his very-well-fitted jeans blown out but he had a rip in the ass of his jeans also and I could see he didn’t wear underwear. God he had a nice ass.

I was fully aware of the fact that he knew exactly what he was doing, it was all so obvious and cheesy. James 007 ish and I was falling for it hook line and sinker. I felt like throwing him up against the car and saying, “Touchie! Cheesy but effective! ^5, good move! you win, I give, I can’t even pretend to not want to screw your brains out right here and now” but I managed to contain myself even though my hormones were raging so badly they drown out any rational thought and I was acting like a lobotomy patient.

I don’t have to tell you what happened, not that day, but the next time we were together and it was my undoing.

Jump ahead 10 yrs, we are broken up, the phone rings. Its James, using his “soft” voice; he’s in the neighborhood and can he drop by. A few minutes later there’s a knock at the door. I yell to come in and there he is, faded jeans , (only these ones don’t fit as well as the ones 10 yrs ago), a different black leather bomber jacket. He notices where my eyes are focused and says, “My shirt got dirty at work so I took it off.”

I reached into the bag I had by the door that was full of clothes I was taking to charity and pulled out a t-shirt and handed it to him. “This should fit you, keep it, I was done with it anyway”.

He stood there for a minute and then pulled it over his head, it was a little tight and I noticed the 6 pack wasn’t any more. There was an uncomfortable silence then he said,”I was hoping to get $20 off you, I’m low on fuel”.

He didn’t get the $20.
Don’t get me wrong,I think James is a good looking guy and I would be all over him if we were together and he hadn’t been a supreme SOB.

I couldn’t help but feel kinda sorry for him and wonder if I should fill him in that; a line that worked for him 10 yrs ago has taken him from “studly rebel without a cause guy” to “creepy lecherous old guy”.

I had a flash back to my early 20’s when I was always out partying in the clubs. There was this old guy (he was probably mid 40’s) everyone called Captain T. He was always in the club, leaning up against the cigarette machine trying to pick up the young hotties. He was balding, always had his shirt undone to his navel, and wore Mr T type gold chains and big gawdy rings. He was repulsive to the young women and a joke to everyone else.