Tag Archives: Stealing

Lowering Your Standards Does Not Raise Your Self Worth

When we “settle” for less than we deserve, whether we realize it or not; our self-worth suffers.

When we met the narcissist we thought he was a high quality person, someone with principles and high standards, someone in line with our high standards and morals. As we got to know him better we started to witness things that hinted he was not as moral as he pretends to be. A questionable business deal, a friendship destroyed by some disloyalty of his, accusations of wrong doing. You might not be able to identify anything specific but your gut is telling you something is off.

You don’t want to falsely accuse him so you don’t confront him at first or if you do, you are careful to not sound accusatory.

With my ex it was when a neighbor offered to let him buy a motorcycle really cheap because it wasn’t running. My ex didn’t have the $400 so the guy said he could pay over time but the bike would stay with him until it was paid for.

My ex immediately started checking Craigslist for Swap/Trade Ads and found one where a guy wanted to trade a BWM for a motorcycle.

He called the guy and was talking like he had just been out for a ride on the bike and had owned it for a couple of years. He told the guy he would bring the bike down and come look at the car.

He went to the owner of the bike and begged to take the bike home so he could work on it so it would be running when he had it paid for. The owner said OK but he was keeping the registration.

My ex had the bike in his shop less than an hour and had it running. He loaded it on his flat deck and drove out of the park we lived in.

When the owner of the bike got home from work all the neighbors told him my ex had left the park with his bike on the truck. He was furious and I didn’t blame him, I was furious. He couldn’t trade something he hadn’t paid for.

My ex came home with the BMW but the owner of the car wouldn’t give him the registration until he got the registration for the bike.

I was pissed! Now what was he going to do? I knew it!! A person should never lie, it always bites you in the ass. But he was not the least bit concerned. He told me to mind my own business, this is how people do business all the time. I had to let it go but it drove me crazy with worry. What were the neighbors thinking? I was such an honest person.

After a week of the two guys calling him constantly wanting the reggie or money he took the wheels off the BMW and sold them for $400, paid for the bike, got the registration and took it to the owner of the BMW.

He bought the bike owner a bottle of wine and everyone was happy.

I thought maybe I was wrong.

There were other questionable deals and he always told me to shut up and mind my own business, I didn’t know anything about wheeling and dealing. People were always getting upset with him, he was accused of stealing but somehow he always avoided being charged with anything.

I thought perhaps I was being too black and white and maybe there were grey areas of the law. I knew I had always been inflexible when it came to breaking the law, drugs, fidelity.

The more I compromised the more he pushed the boundaries. Life with him was a constant contradiction, praising the Lord one day and stealing the next. Being charitable and kind to others and selfish and mean with me.

He would be so sweet butter would melt in his mouth in front of the neighbors but then every time I walked out of the house by myself the neighbors would come running to complain about how inconsiderate he was. I told them to speak to him directly because I had no control over what he did. I had tried to explain why the neighbors were upset about him working in his shop at 2 am, but it seemed the more I tried to explain the more he did it. He enjoyed pissing people off, yet would try to smooth things over and it always worked.

It was as if he was trying to force me down to his level. At times he used my good reputation to his advantage. People would tend to believe he must be telling the truth because an honest person like me wouldn’t be with someone who wasn’t honest and I always staunchly defended him. I truly thought he was honest just naive. How naive of ME!! I still wonder about some things being the truth or bullshit.

My God, there were so many questionable incidents and for years I gave him the benefit of doubt explaining over and over again that; if you take something that doesn’t belong to you people think you are stealing. I know it sounds crazy to be explaining that to a 40 year old man but he always has some excuse. It was in the garbage so he took it, someone who doesn’t work there any more gave it to him, the boss said he could take it but forgot he said it or changed his mind.

In the 10 years I was with him I had 3 vehicles stolen and he had 3 stolen and totalled one for the insurance money. (I can’t prove it but I know) Six vehicles stolen in 10 years. But I finally did get smart and would keep my registration hidden from him. Now that is a healthy relationship! You hide the registration from the man you love, your soul mate, what does that tell you?

He got fired from every job he ever had. When he had a job he would work 7 days a week. I think because then he would be alone at work and able to steal shit plus he wanted to make sure no one figured out what he was doing. I have never known anyone who went to work one morning and his key no longer fit the lock on the door and he was fired. They were holding his final pay cheque and his tools box was either confiscated or outside the gate.

It happened to him 3 times! And for half of our relationship he was self employed!

I used to insure his truck because I got a 43% discount on my insurance and he had a 43% surcharge added to his. I signed a transfer and tax form in case something happened to me he could sign it over to his name. He told me he had lost it and gave me another one to sign. I was going to fill out the details like the VIN # and he said not to bother, he would fill it in. He kept losing them and I had signed half a dozen of them until one day I ran into a friend. He was on the way to the bank to get money out because he was buying a truck from my ex. I offered to drive him to the bank and I asked which truck he was buying. The blue one parked out front? No the yellow one parked out back.

I argued “No, you can’t be, that’s my truck.”

He insisted that was the truck he was buying, he even had a transfer and tax form with my signature on it!!!

Alarm bells, sirens were ringing, lights were flashing, my own foot came up and kicked me in the ass.

Needless to say, he never bought my truck BUT my truck never ran again either.

* Narcissists do not like to be thwarted.

There were distinct stages of denial I went through until I was in full blown cognitive dissonance before I came full circle to reality again. See if you can relate to any of these.

– At first I truly believed with all my heart he was totally honest and could never break the law or lie. How did I know this-he told me. That’s how. And he said it with such conviction. He had this innocent, country boy, charm going on and I defended him ferociously!

– After he had been accused several times of stealing I still told myself he was stupid. He didn’t mean to steal, it was a misunderstanding. How did I know this? Well, because he told me they misunderstood his motives.

– I eventually got to the stage of telling myself I was not responsible for his actions. I would just turn a blind eye to what he was doing in business, his “deals” and lead my life honestly. I stopped trying to “fix” the messes he created.

– There was one problem with not cleaning up his messes. His messes almost definitely automatically became my messes and I would have to deal with them. If he lost his job, we couldn’t pay the rent, we got evicted, I would have to clean up the mess. Guys he has pissed off run us off the road while I’m driving becomes my problem also. Guys he stole from call me and threaten to come over and stay with me until he shows up and they are drunk and yelling about blood flowing and I end up driving around with my dog afraid to go home; it is now MY problem.

– I started to want to warn new friends he made. Like, how do you casually tell someone “don’t do any business deals with him and you might want to start locking your shop. He tends to have a lot of misunderstandings that will cost you money.”

– I started to not tell people he was my boyfriend, especially customers. The voices in my head kept saying, “How can you love someone you are ashamed to admit is your boyfriend?

– I would make deals with myself. If he gets arrested: I am out of here. When I had dumped him one time he came to me saying he had volunteered to go on a missionary trip to Sudan Africa. I thought, “If he actually goes and does this, I will give him another chance.” It took me years to get the truth about what happened in Sudan and it was anything but charitable.

– Finally I could not deny it any longer and could not rationalize it any more. There were no more excuses, I could not turn a blind eye, could not teach him right from wrong, was ashamed to be seen with him, couldn’t trust him to not destroy my truck (in fact I knew without a doubt he WAS sabotaging my truck). I refused to haul anything for him because I was afraid it was stolen. I broke up with him but I made a crucial mistake; I didn’t go no contact.

Any access a narcissist has to you is a bad thing for you!

Miraculously I had managed to retain my good reputation; a person has nothing without their reputation. I was proud of that.

I did not realize how a narcissist operates, well to be honest I didn’t know what I was dealing with at that time. But I have since found out that a narcissist will totally turn the tables on the victim. What he did to you he will say you did to him. The only reason he stole stuff was cuz I drove him to it with my demands for more. I sat my lazy ass on the couch all day drinking, eating bon bons and cracking the whip. He just could not make me happy.

The only reason he screwed around was because I was a suspicious psycho bitch.

He purposely sabotaged my work truck so I couldn’t pay my debts. And he called all my customers with anonymous complaints and then spread the “fake news” so it became fact that I could not be trusted. He called employers as a “concerned citizen”. I figured out what he was doing when I found his blog where he was talking about how a concerned citizen had called my boss. Funny thing is I had purposely not told a soul so if he knew he had to be the one who made the call.

But, having to defend yourself, constantly doing damage control, and wondering who he has talked to, all wears you down. Your self esteem, already low due to his gas lighting and abuse; melts through the cracks.

It makes it so much harder to recover. You either get sick like me and just give up or you move away.

The very best thing you can do? Avoid the whole shit show in the first place! What a novel idea!!

– Don’t trust someone just because they say they are honest – wait and see how they operate over time.

– When you see that their values don’t align with yours. Walk!! Immediately! It is not your job to teach anyone else how to be a good person. If they are over the age of 6 and are lying and stealing it’s too late to change them.

Remember- who you hang out with IS a reflection on you. Are you proud of who you are with? Do you feel perfectly comfortable telling anyone what goes on behind closed doors? Would you want your best friend or daughter dating this guy?

My ex used to say I made him look like an asshole when I talked to people about our relationship. My reply was, “If telling the truth makes you look like an asshole, maybe you should stop acting like an asshole.”

You should never have to lie or cover for your partner. Sure there are things you don’t talk about, like your sex life but you should never have to lie or make excuses for the person you love.

When You Hear The Truth – You Know It

I was sent the link to a site today and was so impressed with their description of a narcissist I put the link in the sidebar of my blog, but here it is again; Anonymous Conservative.

It is the only other site I have read that told the same kinds of stories as what I experienced and thought I had to be crazy to suspect my ex of doing things he did, because, “Who would do that kind of shit?!” The infidelity, watching copious amounts of porn, the pathological lying, gas lighting, ….. they are all pretty common and the other forms of abuse, the financially destroying someone, verbal insults and cut downs, the mental abuse and the physical abuse often is horrendous. But there is another level to them that I think some victims miss just because they don’t believe what they are seeing and dismiss it as coincidence, or paranoia.

misc pic from camera 036

I loved this truck for the same reason James hated it – it symbolized my independence, and his lack of control over me. It was a thorn in his side.

I was remembering how I started to suspect my ex was not as honest as he pretended after I had the 3rd car stolen in the first 3 years I was with my ex. I had never had a car stolen, never even knew anyone who had a car stolen and then boom, I am with him and 3 in 3 years? In between my vehicles being stolen they would break down and never run again. He was a brilliant mechanic, could fix anything except MY vehicles. For some reason mine only ran when he was driving them. The last two thirds of the relationship I never knew when I got in my vehicle if it would get me where I wanted to go, something was ALWAYS wrong with my car. I had never had such bad luck with vehicles, ever. My God I had cars for years and never did anything more than basic maintenance and now I was with a mechanic and I never had a running vehicle. It has to make a person go Hmmmm?

I had really gotten suspicious about my vehicles breaking down, it was pretty hard to deny when every single time I had some place I really wanted to go, my vehicle would either not start at all or break down 1/2 way there. My son’s wedding, I had done all the flowers for the wedding, been up most of the night so they would be fresh and I was rushing to get to the church to decorate and I ran out the door and there were tools beside my truck and my heart sunk. I made it almost to the church, in down town Vancouver, and it started to sputter and cough, bunny hopping through the intersection. I stopped, popped the hood and left it right in the middle of the road. I ran the 6 blocks to the church and my son was out on the sidewalk looking so handsome and nervous. I came running up like a made woman, I had my dress over my arm (I wore jeans in case the truck broke down) , my hair was flying wildly and I must have been a site because the look on my son’s face was akin to terror.

Two of the best men were able to decipher my out of wind, panicked, explanation of where my truck, and consequently the flowers; was and went to go get it. They managed to get it limped to the church and I got the decorations up.

That was hard enough to believe he would purposely do something in hopes of making me miss my son’s wedding, but 8 years later I witnessed him purposely make his sister miss her daughters wedding so I have no doubts any more of what he is capable of. That will teach her to take my side when he pulled his shit in front of her.

But the stealing of vehicles, I mean that is breaking the law. hahaha talk about naive and well, just plain stupid; we had his truck insured in my name because he had so many tickets and accidents that his rates were through the roof. He had a 43% surcharge on his insurance and I had a 43% discount. You do the math. So anyway, I of my own doing signed a blank transfer and tax form in case something ever happened to me, he could easily sign the truck back over to his name, I also did it as a gesture of good faith so that he didn’t have to worry I would ever take his truck if we split or something.

When he came to me and said he had lost it and could I sign another one, I did and when I went out to get the VIN number to put on the form he said, “Oh just sign it, I’ll fill it all in for you.” I didn’t think twice about it. When he lost it two more times I started to get annoyed, he was so careless. When I ran into a friend who said he was on the way to the bank to get money out because he was buying a truck off of my ex for $1000 I was thrilled because i was still so in love with my ex I loved any chance I got to discuss him. I asked what truck he was buying, the blue Ford or the brown Ford and he said neither, he was buying the cute little Chevy pickup. I said he doesn’t have a Chevy pickup for sale. He argued with me and I said, “No he only has two truck and they are both Fords.”

He said he had seen those but this one was parked in the back and was yellow.

Me:”Yellow?!, that’s MY truck, it isn’t for sale.”

Friend: “He did up the transfer and tax form and everything.”

ding ding ding****** bells and whistles going off. Needless to say the friend did not buy the truck. I was furious and told my ex exactly what i thought of his little plan, he was NOT selling my truck. So instead of selling it he made it so it never ran right again.

Years later, we are split, I have my Ford F550, I am sick on the couch with a horrible head ache because my neck is out, he calls to see if he can have a shower and do some laundry at my place. I tell him I am in horrible pain, I don’t want to have to get off the couch so he can come and do laundry but don’t knock, just walk in. Well, he arrives and knocks on the door. (he used to always knock as if to give the impression he would never think of entering my house without knocking but I knew damn well he had been in my house without me there, it was stupid). Anyway, I get up and go to the door and there he is with a bouquet of roses, a mickey of Rye and Extra Strength Tylenol,  heating rub and a heating pad. He is so grateful I am letting him do laundry, and is so sympathetic and I am in so much pain. I am totally shocked he is being so nice and loving.

He tells me to take 5 Tylenol, have a drink of Rye and then go lay down with the heating pad and he will come and rub my neck. I didn’t take 5 tylenol because I don’t need much I never take anything for pain so two will do me but i took 3 and he forced the Rye on me so I had a sip to appease him, put the roses in a vase, asked him to please not eat any of my son’s favorite cookies, he could eat anything else, just not those cookies. I had been Christmas baking so there was a ton of stuff around but my son had these favorite cookies that were a pain in the ass to make and I was shipping him some with his gifts.

I laid down, he rubbed my neck and I passed out. I woke up with a start hours later and go out to the kitchen and couldn’t believe my eyes, almost all my son’s cookies were gone and none of the other baking was touched, and piled up all over the kitchen was my stuff. All my accounting and Bus Management books, all my expensive letter paper, envelopes, dishes, my good pots, all my office supplies, well pretty well anything of value, plus part off my computer, which had been running up until he stripped it for parts. i was furious and went outside to give him shit for eating the cookies and he has the hood of my truck up. Right away my stomach is turning. I look inside the truck and he has emptied my glove box and the contents are strewn throughout the cab. I asked him what he was looking for in my glove box and he said he was cleaning my truck. (Narcspeak, I was cleaning out your truck of anything valuable). Then he says, “Hey where is your registration for the truck?”

Me: “Why do you ask?”

Him:”You know its illegal to drive without a reggie in the truck?”

Me:” I know, I always have it with me when I drive.”

Him: “Where is it?”

Me:”Safe”

Him: “You should keep it in the glove box so you always have it.”

Me: “Do you really think I am that stupid after having 3 vehicles stolen?”

Him:”I am only concerned you might get a ticket.”

Me:”Thanks but I have it covered. Besides why were you looking for my reggie.”

Him: “I needed to know what year it was built because I was going to fix (I forget what now) for you as a surprise.”

Me:”Why would you need a reggie for that, you know it is a 1999.”

Him: “they had two production dates in 1999.”

Me:”Yep they did and all vehicles have a sticker in the driver’s door that give you all the info on the vehicle.” (Every single mechanic knows that)

I no sooner walk in the house and I hear my truck start. I go running back out as he is backing down the driveway and I lost it, I screamed for him to bring my fucking truck back NOW!!

He looks all surprised and like I am some psycho for suspecting him of anything and tells me he was just going to go and buy the parts he needed. I told him to take his own fucking truck. My heart was racing and I was pissed. I demanded he pull my truck back into the driveway, took the keys from him and went back in the house. On the way I yelled over my shoulder that if he thought he was taking all the shit he had piled up he was sadly mistaken and I turned around and said: “And, just so you know, if anything happens to me, my dog or my truck, you will be the first person they come looking for, you have been warned.”

he never said a word. Not for years. and then the last year we were together he said, “And you accused me of stealing your vehicles” Like it was a sin to accuse him and he was so innocent. I replied, “Yep I did, and I also told you that if anything happens to my dog, my truck or me you will be the first and only person on the list of suspects,”

I don’t think he would have stolen it that day. i think he was on his way to get a key cut. He was supposed to be heading to Africa and he would get someone else to steal it and split the money with them. I bet he still had a signed transfer and tax form but even if he didn’t I had already found pieces of paper where he had been practicing my signature. That was in 2006. He never did get my truck but he made damn sure it never ran right, it took him until 2010, that is how vindictive and vengeful they are. Because I would not let him just take my truck he had to destroy it at any cost to him. He was so intent on getting my truck he ended up spending thousands in the attempt. But he made up for it with M, he recouped his losses with her and got another truck an F450 haha.

Sick son of a bitch! So don’t doubt your gut, if you are having a string of bad luck, start to feel sick all the time, seem to be accident prone, your stuff starts mysteriously breaking or disappearing; look no further than the person in your bed.