Tag Archives: Stockholm Syndrome

A condition that developes when a victim falls in love with their abuser.

Trauma Bonding-When it isn’t Love

Trauma Bonding – Is It Love Or Something Else?

Posted on April 23, 2012 by Melanie Tonia Evans

When you connected with your narcissist, did you feel like finally you had met true love? Was the connection so intense and powerful that you believed your love was truly meant to be for ever, regardless of the pain your experienced?

I hear the same story time and time again, in fact nearly everyone who has joined the NARC Facebook page agrees that the relationship to the narcissist initially felt like the greatest love of their life.

This article explains how this incredible connection occurs and why the bond of love feels so compelling…

When we first became attached to the narcissist, we had the deep and powerful inner belief that this relationship was ‘the one’ – it felt so real and so true to us. It felt astoundingly ‘right’. We thought we had hit the jackpot.

Over time the cracks started appearing, yet we still experienced the glorious times (even if they became less and less) of this ‘delightful person’ who we wanted to believe was the partner of our dreams.

Of course we had to employ all sorts of psychological defences to protect this belief.

We were all conditioned to believe that powerful and all consuming feelings, and the ‘not being able to stop thinking about someone’ and ‘feeling an intense attachment’ must mean love.

We were taught very little about real love – as a safe, supportive, calm, regenerating and trustworthy entity. And we didn’t realise that true and real love necessitates a deep knowing that you are the other half of a safe, supportive and genuine ‘team’.

Narcissistic relationships, in all reality, do not and cannot fit into a healthy description of ‘love’.

Maybe we never knew what ‘safe’, ‘respectful’ ‘reliable’ love was.

Maybe it seemed unrealistic, too hard to achieve, or maybe even boring….

Maybe we have only ever know feelings of fear, deprivation, unease, persecution, anxiety and then the glorious highs that DO come when agony is temporarily relieved with the feelings of ‘Thank God he does get it’, ‘He really does love me” and ‘Now the pain will stop’.

But of course these feelings of euphoric relief and release never lasted. They were simply the reprieve between the hills of the terrorising roller coaster.

Maybe we never realised that when we really ‘fell in love’ with the narcissist, something much more sinister was engendering our powerful feelings of love and attachment.

It seems ludicrous and insane to believe that someone treating you poorly could make you want them, love them, and attach you so powerfully….

…but it is OH so true…

Let’s find out WHY…


Trauma Bonding – Number 1 – Stockholm Syndrome

Stockholm syndrome has been widely documented, and proven to be a very real deal. The conditions of narcissistic abuse are ripe to create this phenomenon.

Firstly the victim feels that they cannot escape the relationship, this is for the reasons of not wanting to shatter the glorious dream of ‘what this relationship is meant to be’, the loss of lifestyle, finances, security, children’s wellbeing etc., or because of the very real threat of how disastrous life may become when trying to leave and inciting a narcissistic injury within the narcissist, which inevitably brings revenge and destruction.

Therefore, automatically the roles have become prisoner and persecutor. The prisoner’s wellbeing depends heavily on how the persecutor is treating her or him on a daily basis. The prisoner knows that there is a very real threat of cruelty and pain being inflicted by the narcissist, and therefore will try to minimalise the torture, by firstly focusing a great deal of attention on ‘the enemy’, and then trying to find a heartfelt connection with the narcissist to procure nicer treatment.

The narcissistic becomes the deliverer of good or bad treatment, and when good treatment comes, there is so much hope and relief that the pain is going to end that the victim focuses on the good times, and ‘conveniently’ numbs out the bad times – even dismissing them.

The good times are so much about relief, and I can breathe again, and the danger is over for now – that they feel like intense joy, love and appreciation.

Victims who suffer Stockholm syndrome within narcissistic abuse are significantly detached from the real world around them, and are instead enmeshed in the narcissist’s demand, emotions and tormented world.

This often happens as a result of self isolation preferred by the victim, regarding loss of self-esteem, deep inner shame, and the not wishing to confront the outer world which is full of questions regarding the victim’s apparent reclusive behaviour and disconnection from previous interests, friends and family – as well as, of course, the narcissist’s wrath for having any interests that don’t pertain to the narcissist.

Stockholm syndrome feels like ‘love’, as it is a deep attachment to another person for emotional and literal survival.

No different to a child trying to instinctively cling to, grant attention to, love and inspire kindness and security from an abusive parent.


Trauma Bonding – Number 2 – Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance occurs when there is tension created as a result of two opposing thoughts. A simple real life example is the thoughts ‘I want to stay home and relax, but I’d really like to meet up with friends tonight.’

In order for a person to be able to comfortably accept their choice without anxious feelings of having made the wrong decision (the lingering of inner shame) –a justification for the choice has to be created. Such as ‘It’s totally okay to honour myself, and not meet up tonight – I owe it to myself to relax. If I’m okay with that they will be too.’

In the case of narcissistic abuse, the thoughts of ‘This is abusive and unbearable and I need to get out of this relationship, are in total contrast with ‘I have to stay and make this work.’

In order to ease the inner anxiety of having made the wrong choice, justifications have to be fabricated to offset the inner knowing of horrific abuse.

These justifications are ‘stories’ such as ‘I know she loves me, and she’s doing her best – it’s just that she had a horrible childhood’, or ‘I know this relationship is meant to be, and I am going to stay and see it through’, or worse still ‘He really is a great guy, it’s me with all the problems, and I know I make him like this’, or ‘If I love him enough, I know I can heal him’ or ‘I’m the only person that understands her. I can’t leave her, it’s my duty to stay and love her with everything I have.’

In order to rectify the cognitive dissonance of narcissistic abuse, huge overcompensations of reasons to stay have to be created in order to offset the deep inner shame of accepting and enduring abuse.

These justifications have to be powerful enough to seem real to the victim, and they serve to create even greater feelings or attachment, devotion and love.


Trauma Bonding – Number 3 – Repetitive Compulsion Disorder

I have written before about this very real phenomenon in my eBooks, and it is definitely worth mentioning again as one of the key elements of trauma bonding.

Narcissists are unpredictable in nature. The dealing out of random and conflicting abuse and support creates heightened anxiety and addictive state within their victims.

The example I like to use to explain this disorder is what happens to lab rats when they have a button, which releases food pellets, that is set on ‘random’. Normally the rat knows how many times to push the button to receive his meal, and is very content with that.

However, when the button becomes unpredictable and unstable the rat goes into a frenzy pushing the button until the floor of the cage is littered with pellets. He is more interested in staying ‘hooked on’ pushing the button than attending to his own self care.

The rat is addicted to pushing the button (trying to get it to act predictably), just as a gambler is hooked to a poker machine, and just as a narcissistic abuse victim is hooked on trying to gain stable, sane, and safe behaviour from the narcissist.

When life is ‘dangerous’ with any hope of ‘relief’, our psychological and emotional survival wiring compels us to hang on, and put all our energy into finding relief from the danger. Manic fear and pain reigns until the euphoric relief of the situation presents.

If the button was re-set to a standard number of pushes the rat relaxes again, yet if the button was taken out of the cage, the rat would suffer survival panic.

If the addicted gambler wins a jackpot, she experiences temporary relief that she has won back her money lost, yet if she is removed from the poker machine before winning, she will find a way to get back to a machine as soon as possible.

If the narcissist attends to your needs, apologises and acts like he or she has reformed, you feel incredible relief and that you have been removed from the war-zone. Yet, when the narcissist leaves the scene and is no longer reassuring you, you suffer severe separation anxiety that can feel akin to a heroin addict deprived of the next fix.

Repetitive compulsion disorder creates intense addiction anxiety, which can only momentarily be relieved by ‘jackpots’, but never takes long for the anxiety to reach an intense peak again – and of course when we don’t know better, we think these feelings of I can’t live without you and I can’t think about anything but you are ‘love’.


Trauma Bonding – Number 4 – Peptide Addiction

With all of the survival fears, powerlessness and anxieties taking place, a great deal of neuro- peptides, resulting from your disturbed, fearful and unstable thoughts, are manufactured in your hypothalamus (chemical manufacturing plant of our brain) and are distributed into your blood stream and received by the cells of your body.

Our cells get addicted to the peptides they receive powerful doses of, and then physiologically we get addicted to getting more of these peptides, which the narcissist triggers within us regularly.

This creates feelings of I need his attention, I need his validation, I need his approval, I need his support, I need his love, I need him to provide me with some RELIEF and eventually just like a drug addict licking the crumbs off the lounge room rug, we will try to get any amount of the narcissist’s energy regardless of how damaging and soul destroying it is.

What we don’t realise, in our obsessive quest for relief, that it is the pain and intensity of the dramatic highs and lows that the cells of our body have become addicted to.

We have become a helpless addict, and our drug dealer is the narcissist. He or she is dispensing  regularly our body cells’ drug of choice – narcissistic abuse.

The thought of breaking away from the narcissist of course, at this level, feels unthinkable, and impossible to do.

And of course, we mistake it for ‘love’.


Trauma Bonding – Number 5 – Infantile Regression

In times of intense trauma it is common to regress back to your most instinctual learnt behaviour in order to try to survive. This is the clinging of a child to the ‘parent’ you believe is powerful and able to provide some sort of relief to the trauma at hand.

What happens when the closest person that you perceive as a source of support happens to be a cruel and abusive narcissist? The answer is ‘No difference’, because you have already formed powerful attachment and addiction bonds that want to create this person as your saviour.

By reading all the prior information on this blog – now you can understand why.

Infantile regression is powerful, unconscious and a primitive survival program that operates at the very core of your being. Your maturity and self-reliability goes out the window, and is replaced by utter childlike helplessness.

In this state you believe that you will literally die if you do not agree with the narcissist, take the blame, do anything to keep the peace, and grant everything the narcissist wants in the primitive hope that the onslaughts will stop and you will be allowed by the narcissist to avoid complete emotional annihilation.

Your rights are completely withdrawn by yourself and numbed out in your need for survival.

The perverse twist to this is that you have now surrendered your soul to the narcissist and idolised this person as ‘Your God’, who has the ultimate power to dictate your fate.

Then when the narcissist ‘allows’ you to exist again, your idolisation becomes the pathological survival belief: This person is the Creator of my world.

What greater illusion of ‘love’ could there ever be?

The truth about love that you need to travel towards is:

I am the creator of my world, and I am never reliant on any specific person being that creator for me.

When I am my own creator, I will reject what is not good to me, and add into my experience more of who I already am.

In order to do this your focus has to come off the narcissist, and on to yourself so that you may heal from the illusions.

– See more at: http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/trauma-bonding-is-it-love-or-something-else/?utm_source=New+Life&utm_campaign=6debd70a56-NL2012Apr23_WhyDidNarcissistSeemLikeToveOfOurLife&utm_medium=email#sthash.ioFz0jYI.dpuf


Domestic Violence : Canadian Divorce Laws

Below is the link to a site I found tonight on the topic of domestic violence. I found it to be one of the most accurate and informative sites I’ve found on the topic to date so I thought I’d share it with all of you. http://www.canadiandivorcelaws.com/domestic-violence/

Healing Crisis

There is something every one healing from narcissistic abuse should be aware of; I had one commenter call it a healing crisis. I can’t think of a more fitting name for it.

It is a phenomenon that happens to a person when they are recovering from an extremely traumatic event. We have all heard how the mind will block out extremely traumatic events. They find it happens often with young children who have been abused, they have no recollection of the abuse but later in life; as an adult something, perhaps the birth of their own child will occur and they are flooded with memories. They go to a psychiatrist because they think they are having a breakdown and don’t know why.

The same thing often happens with victims of domestic violence. You were in a situation you felt helpless to leave, you were confused, afraid and feeling trapped. Plus the narcissist was using alot of the same techniques used for years on prisoners of war to brain wash them and torture them into submission.

Your mind only allowed you to absorb as much as it thought you could handle.

You might find that as you heal more memories will come to the surface. You will be feeling like you are over the worst of it, feeling like your old self, not even missing him, laughing again, you’ve gotten the spring back in your step and then it happens. Out of the blue you have a dream about him, or watch a movie, or see him drive past or maybe read something here and all of a sudden you are in the pits of despair again.

You can’t believe it; you are no better than you were when you first left him. You are crying all the time, can barely function, you are flooded with memories of him again. You feel crazy again and if you don’t know what’s going on you panic. You had been doing so good and now you’re back sliding, you fear you will never heal and he will haunt you forever more.

What is happening is a healing crisis, your mind is allowing you to feel those emotions you weren’t strong enough to handle up until now. Its a very important step in your recovery, if you don’t deal with those feelings they will lay dormant and could pop up at any time in the future.

Try to just allow the feelings to surface, cry, get angry, whatever you have to do to release them and know this will pass. I have gone through several; the first time I was afraid it meant I wasn’t making any progress at all but I have found that every time I go through one I feel so much stronger and lighter when it passes.

It feels like slodging up to your waist through thick mud; you can barely move your legs and it takes forever. But as you go through it the mud thins and by the end you are in fresh water and the sun is shining.

So rest assured you are not having a breakdown, it is all very normal, you are healing and that is a good thing!

Some Times Things Are Not As They Seem

Ours faces were inches apart as I looked into JC’s eyes and said,”Its over, stop, the police are on their way.” I felt his arm relax and I relaxed my grip. As I let go of his arm he took one more punch at Kris and I screamed. Then he got up and walked to his truck and called the police, saying he had just been attacked by Kris.

I got Kris into the trailer and locked the door. My phone didn’t work so I ran to my girlfriends trailer and heard JC on his phone laughing telling his buddy he had taught the punk a lesson. My girlfriend wouldn’t let me in and handed me her phone and closed the door.

One thing that has always confused me is JC is very strong, and I am sure he wasn’t holding back, he even had a chain wrapped around his hand but aside from Kris’s glasses being broken he wasn’t badly injured. It was the same any time JC hit me, there was never any marks and it never hurt. Divine intervention?

Anyway, I went back to the trailer, Kris was out of control, he’s a hot head by nature and now he was going on about how he was going to kill JC. I wasn’t able to deal with him rationally. I heard JC out on the patio, “my glasses, where are my glasses ?” I looked out the window and saw him crawling around on his hands and knees feeling for his glasses, they were right in front of him and for some reason I thought he was faking. It wasn’t until weeks later I remembered the glasses I found that day that only had glass in them.

Then I heard him say,” oh Kris, a knife?” and saw him pick up a knife and put it on a cupboard on the patio. I thought to myself, “He picked it up so there would be an excuse for his prints being on it, its a set up.”

I asked Kris if he had a knife and he said no.

I went to get a pen and paper to make notes before the police got there and that’s when I realized the trailer was littered with letters written by JC and there was not one pen or piece of blank paper any where in the whole trailer. He had taken all my personal papers and journals, and left notes in their place. Weird notes, some of them quite coherent saying how much he loved me and other scary ones that talked about God; how God had a special purpose for him and how he was being persecuted unjustly just like Jesus had been and we didn’t know what we were doing. His innocence would be proven and he would lead the people. They were every where, the bathroom, on counters, the floor, there must have been a dozen or more. For days afterward I found letters, under my pillow, my recipe box.

The police arrived, took our statements, hauled JC away, we got a restraining order against JC and were told he was not allowed in the resort or to contact us in any way. They took all the letters, the chain and knife and left us a number for victim services. And that was it, they left me with a kid freaking out wanting to kill JC and me a nervous wreck.

I felt totally deserted. My brother said,”JC is a big boy, if he would have wanted to hurt Kris he could have. You’re over reacting”. My mom didn’t want to talk about it. Most of neighbors stood in groups whispering, my landlord was about to evict me but I had already decided to move. One neighbor said they had a hard time figuring out where the screams were coming from. The lights on JC’S truck blinded them and when they looked into the patio area they couldn’t see a thing, that’s why he asked if I wanted him to call the police because he couldn’t see what was going on. He also said he had noticed that the lights I had strung through the latticework weren’t on and he thought that was strange because I always had them on.

But the police didn’t interview any of the neighbors. No one explained the restraining order to me, no one from victims services offered counselling for domestic violence, I felt totally deserted and shunned. I had been told JC was not to be in the park yet he was living at his buddy Chuck’s, every where we went he showed up. Kris was freaking out thinking he was going to kill us. I would pull in the resort and be waiting for the gate to open and BAM !!! we were in the headlights of JC’s truck. Driving down the road he’d pass us and wave, I would phone the police and no one could help me. The cop who wrote up the restraining order was on 4 days off. Every time I saw JC he was calling the cops saying I was following him, we would be on the phone to the cops at the same time. One cop even said, “Well Mr xxxxxx just called to say you are following him and harassing him.” my phone rang once and it was JC’s number I didn’t answer and it rang again so I answered and it was a cop, JC was in the cop shop and his phone started to ring and it was my number on call display so he handed it to the cop. I hadn’t called him.

I went to my friends one night, parked the car across the street and got 1/2 way across the road and BAM!!! I was a deer in the headlights again. I ran inside and JC tooted his horn and drove away.

He was telling everyone how Kris provoked the fight, how he had reported to the cops previous threats by Kris and it didn’t help that one of the neighbours picked up a piece of paper Kris dropped and it had a list of weapons he wanted to buy.

About a week after the attack the police called and said they were escorting JC to come get his things from the trailer. When they arrived a cop came to the door and said to me,”Now I want you to keep your mouth shut and not start anything.”

I stayed in the trailer and heard the cops and JC laughing. JC was saying this and that was missing and then he’d say, “oh well, it doesn’t matter”. He went in the storage room and I opened the door and said to the cop that all JC’s stuff was on the patio. He turned and pointed his finger at me, “I told you to keep your mouth shut and not start anything.”

I felt totally victimized again. The cop said to JC, “Anything in the trailer you want Bud?”

I thought,”you son of a bitch, you’d let him rob me blind and stand there telling me to shut up!”

JC played the nice guy and said, “Let her keep it, I can replace anything she’s got.”

The cop – are you sure Bud, this is your last chance, you can’t come back.

JC –  I’m sure. And don’t worry; I won’t be back, they both laughed.

About 5 minutes after they left the cop came to the door and said they took JC’s clicker for the gate and they escorted him off the property and he won’t be back, and added, “And don’t you be bothering him”.

I went out to get boxes because I was packing to move and BAM!!! I was caught in the headlights again!
I looked up and he was parked 1/2 a block away. He tooted his horn and pulled away.
Finally I went into the cop shop and said,” just so you know, I’m not suicidal.”

I went out to the shed for something the next day and found. a letter JC had dropped the night before. In it he professed his love and how sorry he was for everything and said how much he was going to miss me. He also said the truth would come out.

Kris was sleeping in my room and came out about 3 am and said he’d taken a bunch of pills. I rushed him to emergency and as I went flying through town JC was coming out of Tim Horton’s. He followed me and I saw him drive slowly past the hospital.

Then my phone rang, it was him and I answered.
JC – everything alright? I saw you flying through town.
He sounded so genuinely concerned and I was so lonely and confused I started to cry.
Me – Kris tried to commit suicide, he took a bunch of pills.
JC – Oh Baby, is he ok
Me – yeah, their getting ready to pump his stomach.
JC- I wish I could hold you. Baby shhhhh baby he’s going to be ok. Don’t cry.
Me – I don’t think anything is going to be ok.
JC – will you meet me somewhere? I need to talk to you?
Me – ok. After I check on Kris
JC – I’ll wait for you in that empty lot by the track. Can you drive ok.
Me – I think so.

I met him and he pulled me into his arms immediately and I sobbed for the first time since the fight, no one else had let me cry and now it all came flooding out. He stroked my hair and rocked me – its going to be ok baby.
I raised my head and looked in his eyes, he was crying and we kissed. He said – you have to believe me I didn’t bring the knife or the chain, it was Kris.
I tried to pull away and he held me and looked me straight in the eyes, – You have to believe me. All those messages he left, I tried to be out of there. I called back and asked for a few more minutes.
Me – my phone died. What messages?
JC – you don’t know?  I didn’t think you would let him send them but I thought maybe you hated me that much.
Me – what are you talking about?

He pulled out his phone, punched few buttons and handed me his phone. It was Kris’s voice threatening him and saying horrible things; I couldn’t even listen, all sent from my phone that night. JC went on to say that the chain was Kris’s bike chain and he swore the knife wasn’t his. JC was looking at jail time for assault with a weapon, if Kris brought the weapons it changed everything.

You Would Help The Dog Wouldn’t You?

I read an article the other day about an experiment someone did with a dog in a cage.

I cried and could barely finish reading it because it was so cruel and then I realized not only was I empathizing  with the dog I was crying for me and all the other women who have been in abusive relationships.

The experiment was; they put the dog in a cage then they electrified one side, the dog soon learned that it would get an electric shock if it went to that side of the cage so avoided doing so. Then they switched the electric stock to the other side of the cage and the dog quickly learned to not go to that side of the cage.

Then they made it so that no matter where the dog went in the cage it got an electric shock. At first the dog frantically ran around the cage looking for a safe place where it wouldn’t get shocked but eventually it gave up and just laid down resigned to the fact that that it had to live with the shocks. (I still can’t even type it without crying)

But the big surprise came when the scientists opened the door expecting the dog to bolt out of it’s torture chamber and the dog refused to leave the cage.

Why? Why would it choose to stay? I can only assume it’s world had gone from predictable where it knew how to avoid getting hurt to totally out of it’s control. It was used to the shocks but had no idea what would happen if it left the cage so it stayed because it couldn’t trust it’s instincts and was so confused and beaten down it stayed where it was.

First of all I think it’s appalling that they did that to the dog. Apparently there is a video showing the experiment  but I didn’t want to watch it.

It makes me ill to think I was an experiment to JC, nothing more than a dog in a cage. He said as much after we split when he told me that every time I forgave him or tolerated something he did, he thought to himself, “I got away with that I wonder what more she will take.” or “She anticipated my response to that so I will do this and see what she does”.

I often felt like I was being “tested”, “toyed” with to see how far he could push me before I’d react. If I reacted he would accuse me of causing conflict, never being happy or being paranoid and over reacting.

When he told me that I should have told him to fuck off a long time ago. (his words) I got a knot in my stomach, I knew he was right. The thing is that I did tell him to go away, my son told him to go away, and he didn’t. I put his things outside, then I put them out at the street, and he would just ignore the fact that he was told to get out. I called the police and they could do nothing or wouldn’t do anything. And then he would be so sorry and loving and I would relent. I foolishly thought it was because deep down inside he really did love me. I have been struggling with the cold realization that I had been the mouse.

A bored cat will toss a mouse around and “play” with it knowing full well it could kill it at any given moment but not wanting the “fun” to end it keeps allowing the mouse to try to escape until the mouse is exhausted and then kills it.

My male dog does that with rats and chickens, he doesn’t want to eat them he just enjoys the thrill of the chase. Once its dead he will continue to toss it in the air and shake it trying to get it to run so he can chase it some more but once he realizes it isn’t going to come back to life he leaves it alone because he’s bored.

There were times near the end where I wouldn’t get out of bed for days on end because it was easier to sleep and avoid the reality of my life. To watch my business that I had worked so hard to build die a slow death was killing me.

I knew when I went back that he had sabotaged my truck in the past but I hadn’t realized it was in order to destroy my business, I had thought it was to prove he didn’t have to do what I asked or to control me. I had mistakenly thought I would be able to see it coming and protect myself this time. How foolish of me to think I could ever win a battle with a narcissist. Even sadder and more telling of the mindset I was in; is the fact that I would go back to a man who I knew was capable of doing such a thing. Just like there is never justification for a man to hit a woman; it is just plain wrong, it was just plain wrong for him to stay up all night thinking of ways to destroy my business.

It amazes me how they can twist a person’s way of thinking so that you end up rationalizing why he did something when it doesn’t matter why, it was wrong and sick and there is no justification or reason and you need to get away from the sick bastard.

My stomach turns at the realization that he was getting his thrills from watching me suffer and enjoyed tormenting me to the breaking point and then giving me a morsel of affection and I would be so F’ing grateful. How he could destroy everything good in my life and then console me and I would be so grateful and hopeful that this time things would be different.

Why do they come back? Because you are the mouse and they have realized you have some life still in you and they are bored and need some thing to play with.

If you are in a relationship with an N or have left and you’re doubting your decision think about the dog in the cage. You wouldn’t let him do that to a dog would you? You would help the dog and save it wouldn’t you? Give yourself as much respect and love as you would the dog.

I wish I had do it sooner.

How Do I Move On After The Narcissist?

I said to my ex once, “I bet you really wonder about yourself”

Him: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well all your ex’s are psycho bitches.”

Him: “Yeah so, what’s your point?”

Me: “I was just thinking that either you pick psycho bitches or you turn women into psycho bitches, either way you have a real problem.”

So many people end up at my site because they enter search terms such as “My ex N is so happy with his new g/f”, “does an N change for the new woman?”, or “Why can’t I get over my ex N?”, “why does my ex keep hurting me?”

First of all let’s talk about the new girlfriend. She is no better, no worse and no different than any of the other women he has ever been with (including you). We (me included) all like to think we had something special with him, even if we know he is a narcissist and he treated us like crap we like to believe we were some how more special than the others, that he will miss us, how much we loved him and at some point he will realize how much we gave up for him and love us for it.

It hurts like hell to see him looking so happy with another woman, saying that this time he has found the perfect woman and he is a changed man because of her perfect love. You can’t help but have doubts and there’s a little voice inside saying, “It was you that drove him to treat you the way he did; there’s the proof, look at how happy he is and how well he treats her; it must have been you driving him to be abusive”.

Give me a serious break!!! I am 54 years old and didn’t just fall off the pumpkin wagon (or whatever that saying is, turnip truck?) that’s exactly what he wants you and everyone else to think.

Let’s review some facts;

If it was your fault, a healthy man would have left the relationship a long time ago; not kept begging you to take him back promising he’ll change, he wouldn’t stay with you and try to destroy you; he would just leave, period.

Think back to when you started dating him; he treated you like a princess, YOU were special and YOUR special love was so much better than any of his psycho ex’s. He could talk to YOU, he wanted to spend all his time with you, he was your soul mate; remember? You couldn’t believe your good fortune, you told your friends that you had finally met the man of your dreams; he was everything and more than you ever wanted in a love partner.

This is history repeating itself, they just haven’t gotten to the devaluing and discard stage yet that’s all. If he had treated you in the beginning like he treated you in the end we wouldn’t even be having this conversation because you would have dumped his ass after the 2nd date and he wouldn’t be a narcissist he’d be a run of the mill asshole.

Of course he is treating her well; how else can he hook her into believing he’s worth sticking around for?

Of course he is giving her all the things you wanted. This just proves he knew all along what would make you happy and he chose to not give it to you because he is mean like that and now he is rubbing your nose in it. Why? Because he is a nasty, mean, vindictive bottom feeder that gets his kicks from hurting women; that’s why.

Remember how he usually treated you badly behind closed doors, and how when you were out you were so damned happy he was treating you decently you looked happy just like she does. He’s probably told her how you never appreciated how well he treated you and she is going to go out of her way to show how much she appreciates him when he treats her well because she isn’t going to make the same mistake. Think back, what would happen after that great night? He’d usually do something mean or pick a fight and treat you worse than ever for a few days to make up for the good treatment out in public. I know with JC I grew to dread the times he loved with me because it meant there were going to be some really bad times just around the corner. SO IS SHE!!! But he sure isn’t going to let you see that. There is no way he is going to let his true colours show and prove that you are right, he IS an asshole.
He has an image to uphold.

I will bet you dollars to donuts that prior to dumping you he was building his case for leaving you and getting every ounce of sympathy he could by telling everyone who would listen how horribly you treated him, how tough it was for him, how you were impossible to please, and he was doing all the work in the relationship. He was also getting everyone on his side so that if you went to them and told them what really went on they would already know that you were a lying psycho bitch that can’t be trusted. He HAS to appear happy with this new woman in order to prove his point.

He is hoping to drive you over the edge and you will do something in anger and then he can point at you and say, “See? I told you, she’s a psycho bitch!!”

He wants you to be miserable without him, his ego needs it, and if he can keep you crying over him then he knows he is still pushing your buttons and pulling your strings. He is getting a reaction and that is narcissistic supply for him.

It’s about control, he may not want you any more but he is like a 3 year old child who doesn’t want a certain toy any more until some other child picks it up and starts playing with it. Once you have dated him you are his possession whether he wants you or not; no one else is allowed to play with you. If he can keep you crying over him, wondering what he is doing, and obsessing over him then there isn’t much chance you are going to get hooked up with some other guy.

He will keep doing things to hurt you until he stops getting a payoff from it. As long as he can make you angry, cry or react in some way he will keep doing it or until he gets bored or finds another victim for secondary supply. One woman is never enough for a narcissist for long; he has to have a second supply or more; either women he is casually pursuing or ex’s he keeps on the hook, or personal ads on the internet that he might not even meet but he leads on until they get sick of not meeting and move along.

A narcissist is NEVER what he appears to be, his whole life is a game of strategy, he does not love, he does not even hate, everyone is a pawn in his game, every one is disposable, and everything he does is part of his game to win. Win what? Narcissistic supply, admiration, adoration, love, money, things, respect, jealousy, prestige whatever he values and that includes your possessions, friends, family, your home, heart and soul and if he can’t have them or he has taken all you have, he will destroy you for running out or not giving him more. When he leaves he wants to make sure you have nothing left or he will come back to get it later. For him every move he makes is part of his strategy. Like a game of chess, he is always planning his next move, and trying to anticipate everyone else’s moves ahead of time. That’s why he used to lie about things he didn’t have to lie about because life is a lie, a game, and everyone who knows him is a player in the fantasy life he envisions for himself. He envisions all women adoring him and pining away for him, just waiting for him to grace them with his presence. He’s a rock star in his own mind and we are all his groupies.

Everyone is a potential enemy, his life is so orchestrated and built on lies and deceit it is balanced very precariously. A narcissist hates being alone, that doesn’t mean once he has the woman dependent enough on him he won’t leave her home all alone; he needs to know there is a woman at home waiting for him, worrying that he is with some other woman. He feeds off of the woman’s insecurities, insecurities HE instilled in her through subtle or blatant manipulation and innuendo. He lives in constant fear of it all crumbling and all it takes is for one person to blow his cover and who knows him better than you? He has to keep you doubting yourself, weak and unstable so you are easily discredited. His best defense right now is that you are so devastated by him leaving you that you would say anything to tarnish his good reputation and ruin his new relationship, or make him lose his job and destroy his life.

You just want to wipe that smug look off her face for her don’t you?

Of course she is smug right now; he keeps telling her that she is perfect for him. He loves her just the way she is and how he thought he was in love before but now he knows what REAL love is. He is telling her that she isn’t like you or his other ex’s, she doesn’t cause conflict and pick fights with him. He’s probably told her that you think it won’t last between them and she’s going to show you!

All she has seen so far is this wonderfully even tempered guy that never gets angry, treats her like a queen and can’t get enough of her and all she’s heard is that you falsely accused him of cheating, you were demanding, constantly badgered him for more money, bled him dry in fact, you were like a bottomless pit that he couldn’t fill and now you are trying to ruin his life. He has probably even told her that he is afraid she is going to believe your lies about him and leave him and then you will have destroyed his life.

He has told her that he was unhappy for a long time but you kept begging him to stay but finally he just could not take the constant fighting and even though he hated to hurt you; he’s such a sensitive guy (she has even seen him cry about it) he had to leave. He’s probably even reminisced about all the wonderful things he did for you that you never appreciated. She is thinking she is so much better than you and she got what you abused and lost and she isn’t going to let this great guy slip through HER fingers.

You can bet money that he is telling her all those nasty things he did to you; you actually did to him and she is feeling very protective of him; what kinda of bitch would hurt this wonderful soft hearted man. She is probably thinking “If I ever get the chance to meet this psycho bitch I am going to tell her exactly what I think of the way she treated my sweetie.”

Plus, women are nasty and competitive creatures anyway, in general they love to know they are better than other women and the majority of them will walk right over a woman in her stilettos to get the man.

Some day soon she is going to have lights, bells and whistles going off in her head when all of a sudden he is doing to her what he said you did to him, or she’ll catch him cheating and he’ll deny it, or as in my ex and my case. When we were dating he told me it had been over a long time before he moved out, they hadn’t slept together for months. I thought well, what woman wouldn’t know it was over if the guy isn’t coming to bed, she must have been brain dead. THEN, after awhile he started coming to bed later and later, it was really upsetting to me, he kept telling me I was over reacting, that he loved me, eventually he stopped coming to bed but he still kept telling me he loved me and made excuses for not coming to bed. I figured it was over but he kept denying it and saying it was my nagging that made him not want to come to bed, or that he was working on my truck and I wasn’t appreciative of his efforts. Then I remembered our conversation from years ago and knew why she didn’t know it was over.

At some point in the not to distant future the puzzle pieces aren’t going to fit, there will be pieces missing, and or maybe even some pieces for a totally different puzzle will appear and her ride on the emotional roller coaster will begin.

Let’s for the sake of argument figure out what he would have to do to truly change; do you think it is possible for a man who has abused women his whole life to just stop? Without counseling, without admitting he has a problem, without blaming someone else? Just because he met a new woman? Sorry it just does not happen.

So maybe for the sake of argument he stops hitting women.

Now he has to give up controlling the woman, he has to be faithful for the first time in his life. Ok let’s give him that one for the fun of it.

It is a lot harder to give up being a pathological liar. Is it possible?

Then there is the total disregard for the feelings of others. Can a person grow a conscience at 40 yrs old. This isn’t the yellow brick road and unless his new woman is Dorothy I am pretty sure there is no where you can get a conscience from a wizard.

His addiction to porn, personal ads, and kinky sex; now that stuff you can usually curb for a while and then it is pretty easy to hide if you are careful; but quit completely without a support group or therapy?? Not bloody likely.

And isn’t atonement for previous sins part of recovery for people with these sort of issues?

I am sorry, but I am just not convinced he can change; just like THAT, or at all.

b>Why Can’t I Get Over Him and Move On With My Life?

For one thing he gave you everything a person ever dreams of in a partner, total unconditional love (or so it seemed), but not only did he give you love he made you want to love him back, he started a slow and insidious mission to make you dependent on him; for everything. Being totally dependent on someone is unhealthy enough but he doesn’t do it so he can treat you well and care for you, provide for you and love you.

No; he makes you dependent on him so he can abuse you and you feel you must take it because you are helpless to leave. THAT is the utmost in evil and abusive. To strip a person of everything they hold dear, everything that holds a fond memory from the past, their friends and family, their security; like their job and home, their self esteem, and then when you are a shell of the person you used to be; discard you like yesterdays garbage.

THEN come back and do it again. Just like a hunter will put another bullet in the head of the game he shot to make sure the job is done so does the narcissist come back to give you one final blow just in case you had any strength left to get back up he has to make sure you know how much he loathes you.

Wow!! Can a person get more evil? How do you accept that a man you loved with all your heart is that cruel and cold hearted, how could you have been so wrong about him? How could you love someone that void of compassion and caring? It leaves you reeling, unable to cope with the reality, your mind not wanting accept what you are now fully comprehending. You have to relive the whole relationship, each hurt, every pain that you buried because it was just too much to bare at the time, it is a lot of painful work and you see him off happy with a new woman in total denial he ever did anything abusive. As if that isn’t bad enough, the people you thought would be supportive, society in general revictimizes you with they lack of empathy and understanding. More than likely he has left you penniless, jobless and in poor health mentally and physically. It is only natural that you would want him back, not the mean nasty guy; but the one you met, the one you see now with the new woman. If you had him back you wouldn’t have to face all the ugliness of your time with him, your mind and heart wouldn’t have to accept reality and you wouldn’t have to try to put your life (which he left in a shambles) back together.

PLUS it is a proven fact, research has been done on it and every web site and book ever written on “how to seduce a woman” will tell you that the fastest way to hook a woman is to keep her guessing, off balance, push her away and pull her back; that sort of thing. It’s natural to want what you can’t have, no one likes to be rejected and the narcissist has perfected rejection. He has pulled you in and then rejected you so many times you thought he would never really leave but he did this time and in the most cruel way possible. He will continue to hurt you as long as you leave any opening for him to do so that is why no contact is so important.

Even if you don’t want him back; you want him to tell you why he treated you so badly, what did you do so wrong to deserve to be rejected so cruelly? If he would just tell you that you are a good person maybe you could move on. You will never get it from him, if he does apologize and admit he was cruel he will do it in such a way you will end up hurt again. If he says he wants to be friends or help you he has an ulterior motive and you can bet it will involve you getting used and hurt again. Continued contact keeps you on the roller coaster ride of rejection.

I have never done heroin but from talking to people who have I have learned that they keep using in a futile attempt to experience a high like that first high. It is never as good as the first time but they keep trying; the Chinese call it “chasing the dragon”. When you stay in contact with a narcissist you are “chasing the dragon” and you will never get what you are looking for.

It is as if you have been possessed by some evil entity, all the joy has been taken from your world, like they left a black cloud behind and you will never see the light of day again. The cloud will dissipate the longer they are out of your life. They made themselves such a huge part of your life you are now left with an emptiness you are desperate to fill. With their lies, infidelity, control, erratic behavior, moodiness and love/hate treatment they made it so all you could think about was them. What did they mean by that, where are they, who are they with, are they lying, will they ruin your birthday, will they destroy something you cherish, will they be nice when they get home, will they come home, will they call when they said they will?

Every second of every day has been filled with thoughts of them and now they are gone and what fills that time? More thoughts of them and the new woman, what are they doing, is he treating her better than he treated you, is he missing you, etc. I don’t know how you stop thinking about them, because it’s been a year and ½ and I still find my mind drifting to thoughts of him and how do you stop that without thinking of him. It’s kind of a vicious cycle.

So what I have done is changed the scenario in my head, if I can’t stop thinking about him I CAN change what I choose to think about. Instead of envisioning him treating her so well and giving her everything I wanted I envision the way he used to treat me only it isn’t me in the picture any more, it is her being treated so badly, it is her sitting at home wondering if he’s going to show up, it’s her calling him and he isn’t answering the phone. More than likely that is closer to what is really happening than the scene playing in your head that she is so damn happy.

Besides, you must have heard about the power of thought; that what you think becomes reality? You certainly don’t want him to treat her well so stop thinking it!!! The more you envision her getting the horrible treatment you used to receive from him the less you will hate her and the happier you will be that you are out of the picture and she is in it. You have to stop making it about you, because it really has nothing to do with you or her for that matter; it’s all about him.

I know there is a feeling that you “wasted” all that time you were with him; time is never wasted as long as you learn something in the process and as long as you don’t waste any more time obsessing about it. like the saying goes, “Throwing good money after bad” well this is “Throwing good time after wasted time” you didn’t know better before but now you do, learn from it and stop wasting your precious life on that asshole.

You are strong, look at what you went through and you are still here. It is time to nurture yourself, take a course, read a self help book, volunteer at a dog shelter or a soup kitchen, seniors home, work on a crisis line, do something good to help others and you will feel better about yourself in the process; win/win instead of lose/lose.

I make sure I look my best every time I leave the house just in case I do run into him/them; I want to look like I am doing just fine without him. I do not seek him out or try to be where he might be but if I do see him I don’t say anything nasty but I don’t chit chat either, I will not give him the satisfaction of crying or being happy to see him. I will not prove to her his claims that I am an angry bitch by attacking him verbally or seeking revenge.

My time and my soul are much too valuable to waste any more of me on him. He is a sick individual who I can not cure and who was toxic in my life; I choose to surround myself with people who appreciate me for who I am and who are not out to destroy the goodness in me or my life.

Now repeat after me:

I am a good person who deserves to be happy.

He is a sick evil person who I can not help and is toxic in my life.

I will not waste any more of my precious time on him or let him poison my life any longer.

I choose to be happy and surround myself with positive people who enhance my life not seek to destroy it.

By not allowing evil into my life I am creating room for the goodness to enter.

And it will!!!

Remember, you are not alone, this was not your fault and it is never too late to improve your life.

I have faith in you!

* IF anyone knows of a narcissist who has changed over the long term I would be very interested in hearing about it. Personally I have never heard of it happening.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

We Say Goodbye To The Warehouse

They say that one of the traits of narcissism is that they can appear to be putting in phenomenal effort, say that they are carrying the load at work and at home and yet are lazy at the same time. That was JC, when he did have a job he would be at work 7 days a week and put in 15-24 hours a day. He would tell me how the previous guy had screwed everything up and even the company would be singing his praises. They would be so happy to have found him; but within a few months he would be fired again. He would be accused of stealing, wasting company time and screwing up on jobs. Things weren’t any different at home; he would put in phenomenal hours in the shop only to have it look worse than when he started. Like when you send a child to clean their room and they get sidetracked playing with their toys and nothing gets done except to make a bigger mess.

Every time we had moved it had been the same thing, he’d work for hours and get nothing done, then when moving day came it was a mad panic and this time was no different. We were no longer allowed to stay the night at the warehouse and were only allowed in during the day and it seemed JC wasn’t making any headway at all packing.

I had packed everything I could and was trying to keep his ass moving. Since the night he had held me and said he loved me he had been cold and distant again. I tried to tell myself it was because of everything going on, moving, boxes with green stuff oozing out of them; it could distract a person, right?

We knew the two guys that did the night shift were having friends come by to hang with them while they were on duty, so to see a few beer bottles around didn’t cause any alarm bells, but we arrived one morning to dozens of empties littering the ground. I went in the shack and the stereo had been moved from the warehouse into the shack; that was strange.

Then JC called me to come up to the warehouse. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I walked through the door, the place had been ransacked, there were parts and tools strewn every where, we had a 90 gal aquarium ½ way up the stairwell to the upstairs living area and someone had put flashlight batteries in the aquarium and all the fish were dead; that was just plain malicious and cruel. We went back outside and noticed all the vehicles hoods were up, dead batteries no doubt. JC had a HUGE ring of keys; he kept any keys he found because with heavy equipment and older vehicles especially often times the same key will work for other vehicles and it was missing. Then we noticed the keys scattered around on the ground; they must have been trying to steal or at least joy ride in the vehicles.

A fellow who lived in a warehouse down the road came up when he saw our truck pull in and he had JC’s car jack in his hand. He said there had been partying here all night. He said that the kids had the music up on previous nights but last night it had been unbelievably loud. He said they had been burning rubber up and down the road all night and at one point he saw some kid outside his place and went out to investigate and the kid threw something in the bushes and ran. He checked out what the kid had thrown and it was JC’s jack. JC always wrote his name on all his tools, (even the ones that weren’t his) either with paint or carved it in with a marking tool.

We couldn’t believe the brazenness; they knew we would know who did it.

JC had one of the kid’s phone number and called him. I didn’t hear the conversation but JC said he told the kid he had the day to bring everything back or JC was calling the cops and his boss, but he liked the kid so he would give him a break. The kid showed up a few hours later with a car load of young people and an attitude a mile long. He popped his trunk to reveal a fraction of the tools and parts that were missing. After he left I said to JC that the kid’s car sure sounded “throaty” and he said, “It should, he has my headers on his car.”

JC said he had made some sort of deal with the kid that he wouldn’t tell his boss if he paid JC back over time and the kid agreed but we never got any money from him. We reported it to his boss and the guy said his company wasn’t responsible for the kid’s actions. JC even talked to the kids father who gave him some money but I wasn’t involved in the whole thing because I didn’t always believe JC’s version of events or the value he put on things. If it was mine or someone else’s it was crap and not worth anything and if it was his it was worth big bucks.

It was just a big fiasco and when it came right down to it, I kinda felt it was karma. You can’t keep riding the fence of legalities and not expect you won’t get pay back.

I always found myself explaining right from wrong with JC, he seemed naïve, like he genuinely did not understand how society functions or to learn from his mistakes. He made himself out to be this innocent farm boy from Saskatchewan who believed in a handshake to seal the deal, trusted everyone and was the one being taken advantage of. His mother in Edmonton collaborated on the image he projected, that he was a misunderstood country boy.
I had real issues with the way JC operated, to him there was nothing wrong with buying “hot” merchandise and I’ve known other people in my life who thought nothing of buying TV’s or stereos from someone who worked at the docks and got them “cheap” but for me it was wrong; it was stolen, no grey areas. One time he bought a bunch of tools really cheap out of some guys trunk, when he got back I said to him that they were stolen and it was wrong. His mouth dropped open and he did his best “shocked” look (I think he practiced his “looks” in the bathroom mirror) and said no, the guy said he was short on cash and just selling his tools. I told him karma will bite him in the ass. How can he expect for his tools to not get stolen when he buys stolen tools. Its just karma; the laws of nature, justice, whatever you want to call it. To me; having his tools stolen was karma and I just wanted to get out of there and forget the place.

A few days before we were to be out of the warehouse JC came back from town and said he had seen the owner, the guy who had lived here before us, the realtor who supposedly had the place listed for sale and the police captain all talking on the street. We thought that it was rather strange.

Then the day we were to be out of the warehouse a delivery truck arrived, I went out to see what he wanted and he said he had an antique table to be delivered to this address. I told him he must be mistaken, no one here was expecting a table. He argued that he had the right address so I asked for a name and he gave me the name of the guy who had lived here before JC moved in. I told him that the guy had moved a couple of months ago and no one had seen him since. I said that he probably just didn’t have his new address. He told me he had talked to the guy himself and written the address down only 2 days ago and this is where he was told to bring the table.

When our final day came around Captain Hook was the only security guard and although I was happy to be getting out of the warehouse, it was a sad day in a way also. Hook had gotten quite attached to us I think and I liked him, he was a good old guy with his heart in the right place. He took me aside and said, “I gotta lock that gate at midnight, I have to, but what is outside that gate is none of my concern so just make sure everything you want to take is on the other side of that gate at midnight OK?” I thanked him and promised.

JC was dicking around, not getting things moved; we had half a dozen vehicles to move, all his tools and a houseful of furniture. I loaded up our one ton flat deck with all the household stuff and as many parts and tools as I could lift, I moved the running vehicles outside the gate and there was nothing left for me to do. It was 11:00 pm and the 5 ton wouldn’t start yet JC was painting pinstripes on it instead of trying to get it running. I said, “Can’t that wait? Pinstripes won’t do you any good if it is locked behind the gate in an hour.” He wouldn’t listen to me, I was just being a nagging bitch again.

I went in the warehouse to do a walk through for anything we might have missed and was standing there is a daze, I was tired………. no exhausted, scared and sad because now we were supposed to go our separate ways. He walked up behind me, put his hands on my shoulders and turned me to look at him, his eyes filled with tears and he pulled me close, with one hand in my hair and one around my waist he held me against his chest. I could feel his tears falling on my cheeks and I started to cry. He said that he hadn’t treated me right and that he didn’t care what he lost as long as he didn’t lose me. He said he could get through anything with me by his side. He thanked me for sticking by him and said, “We will be ok Baby, as long as we have each other.”

I know now I should have run but at the time it was all I wanted to hear. He promised to never break the law again, promised we would find a church to attend and that he would treat me like I deserved to be treated. I loved him so much, I know no one can understand that and I can’t explain it even now, especially now. Even as I am typing this the tears are running down my face and falling on the keyboard; it makes me so sad to know that I loved someone that much and it was all a lie.

We wiped our faces and both kinda laughed because we were crying and he hugged me and said, “Will you help me get that truck out of here it’s almost midnight.” He looked sheepish, as if to say I know you told me so.

We got it out the gate at midnight on the dot and Captain Hook closed the gate behind us and locked it, “You kids take care of yourselves eh? Good Luck and …………JC, treat this girl right, you’re lucky to have her.”

JC steered the 5-ton while I drove the one ton and towed the 5-ton to a friend’s yard, we left two cars parked outside the fence; they were towed and impounded by the next day. I had JC’s guitars in my car and the one ton was loaded to the max with everything else.

For the first time in a long time I felt positive about the future, strange as that was because we had no where to go………… but I was with JC and he had his arms around me, kissed my forehead and said, “Thanks Babe, I’d be lost without you. I love you.” And I believed him.

As we pulled away the sun was coming up in the distance and I took a deep breath, rested my head on JC’s shoulder, closed my eyes and said a silent prayer thanking God for opening JC’s eyes, it’s going to be ok; silly silly girl.

*(As soon as we were out of the warehouse the guy who had lived there moved back in, the for sale sign came down and renovations began. They worked for a couple of months inside the warehouse and when they were done it was rented out to a roofing company The guy disappeared and we heard the owner went back to Mexico after being here about 6 months.)

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck