Tag Archives: Stockholm Syndrome

A condition that developes when a victim falls in love with their abuser.

Some Times Things Are Not As They Seem

Ours faces were inches apart as I looked into JC’s eyes and said,”Its over, stop, the police are on their way.” I felt his arm relax and I relaxed my grip. As I let go of his arm he took one more punch at Kris and I screamed. Then he got up and walked to his truck and called the police, saying he had just been attacked by Kris.

I got Kris into the trailer and locked the door. My phone didn’t work so I ran to my girlfriends trailer and heard JC on his phone laughing telling his buddy he had taught the punk a lesson. My girlfriend wouldn’t let me in and handed me her phone and closed the door.

One thing that has always confused me is JC is very strong, and I am sure he wasn’t holding back, he even had a chain wrapped around his hand but aside from Kris’s glasses being broken he wasn’t badly injured. It was the same any time JC hit me, there was never any marks and it never hurt. Divine intervention?

Anyway, I went back to the trailer, Kris was out of control, he’s a hot head by nature and now he was going on about how he was going to kill JC. I wasn’t able to deal with him rationally. I heard JC out on the patio, “my glasses, where are my glasses ?” I looked out the window and saw him crawling around on his hands and knees feeling for his glasses, they were right in front of him and for some reason I thought he was faking. It wasn’t until weeks later I remembered the glasses I found that day that only had glass in them.

Then I heard him say,” oh Kris, a knife?” and saw him pick up a knife and put it on a cupboard on the patio. I thought to myself, “He picked it up so there would be an excuse for his prints being on it, its a set up.”

I asked Kris if he had a knife and he said no.

I went to get a pen and paper to make notes before the police got there and that’s when I realized the trailer was littered with letters written by JC and there was not one pen or piece of blank paper any where in the whole trailer. He had taken all my personal papers and journals, and left notes in their place. Weird notes, some of them quite coherent saying how much he loved me and other scary ones that talked about God; how God had a special purpose for him and how he was being persecuted unjustly just like Jesus had been and we didn’t know what we were doing. His innocence would be proven and he would lead the people. They were every where, the bathroom, on counters, the floor, there must have been a dozen or more. For days afterward I found letters, under my pillow, my recipe box.

The police arrived, took our statements, hauled JC away, we got a restraining order against JC and were told he was not allowed in the resort or to contact us in any way. They took all the letters, the chain and knife and left us a number for victim services. And that was it, they left me with a kid freaking out wanting to kill JC and me a nervous wreck.

I felt totally deserted. My brother said,”JC is a big boy, if he would have wanted to hurt Kris he could have. You’re over reacting”. My mom didn’t want to talk about it. Most of neighbors stood in groups whispering, my landlord was about to evict me but I had already decided to move. One neighbor said they had a hard time figuring out where the screams were coming from. The lights on JC’S truck blinded them and when they looked into the patio area they couldn’t see a thing, that’s why he asked if I wanted him to call the police because he couldn’t see what was going on. He also said he had noticed that the lights I had strung through the latticework weren’t on and he thought that was strange because I always had them on.

But the police didn’t interview any of the neighbors. No one explained the restraining order to me, no one from victims services offered counselling for domestic violence, I felt totally deserted and shunned. I had been told JC was not to be in the park yet he was living at his buddy Chuck’s, every where we went he showed up. Kris was freaking out thinking he was going to kill us. I would pull in the resort and be waiting for the gate to open and BAM !!! we were in the headlights of JC’s truck. Driving down the road he’d pass us and wave, I would phone the police and no one could help me. The cop who wrote up the restraining order was on 4 days off. Every time I saw JC he was calling the cops saying I was following him, we would be on the phone to the cops at the same time. One cop even said, “Well Mr xxxxxx just called to say you are following him and harassing him.” my phone rang once and it was JC’s number I didn’t answer and it rang again so I answered and it was a cop, JC was in the cop shop and his phone started to ring and it was my number on call display so he handed it to the cop. I hadn’t called him.

I went to my friends one night, parked the car across the street and got 1/2 way across the road and BAM!!! I was a deer in the headlights again. I ran inside and JC tooted his horn and drove away.

He was telling everyone how Kris provoked the fight, how he had reported to the cops previous threats by Kris and it didn’t help that one of the neighbours picked up a piece of paper Kris dropped and it had a list of weapons he wanted to buy.

About a week after the attack the police called and said they were escorting JC to come get his things from the trailer. When they arrived a cop came to the door and said to me,”Now I want you to keep your mouth shut and not start anything.”

I stayed in the trailer and heard the cops and JC laughing. JC was saying this and that was missing and then he’d say, “oh well, it doesn’t matter”. He went in the storage room and I opened the door and said to the cop that all JC’s stuff was on the patio. He turned and pointed his finger at me, “I told you to keep your mouth shut and not start anything.”

I felt totally victimized again. The cop said to JC, “Anything in the trailer you want Bud?”

I thought,”you son of a bitch, you’d let him rob me blind and stand there telling me to shut up!”

JC played the nice guy and said, “Let her keep it, I can replace anything she’s got.”

The cop – are you sure Bud, this is your last chance, you can’t come back.

JC –  I’m sure. And don’t worry; I won’t be back, they both laughed.

About 5 minutes after they left the cop came to the door and said they took JC’s clicker for the gate and they escorted him off the property and he won’t be back, and added, “And don’t you be bothering him”.

I went out to get boxes because I was packing to move and BAM!!! I was caught in the headlights again!
I looked up and he was parked 1/2 a block away. He tooted his horn and pulled away.
Finally I went into the cop shop and said,” just so you know, I’m not suicidal.”

I went out to the shed for something the next day and found. a letter JC had dropped the night before. In it he professed his love and how sorry he was for everything and said how much he was going to miss me. He also said the truth would come out.

Kris was sleeping in my room and came out about 3 am and said he’d taken a bunch of pills. I rushed him to emergency and as I went flying through town JC was coming out of Tim Horton’s. He followed me and I saw him drive slowly past the hospital.

Then my phone rang, it was him and I answered.
JC – everything alright? I saw you flying through town.
He sounded so genuinely concerned and I was so lonely and confused I started to cry.
Me – Kris tried to commit suicide, he took a bunch of pills.
JC – Oh Baby, is he ok
Me – yeah, their getting ready to pump his stomach.
JC- I wish I could hold you. Baby shhhhh baby he’s going to be ok. Don’t cry.
Me – I don’t think anything is going to be ok.
JC – will you meet me somewhere? I need to talk to you?
Me – ok. After I check on Kris
JC – I’ll wait for you in that empty lot by the track. Can you drive ok.
Me – I think so.

I met him and he pulled me into his arms immediately and I sobbed for the first time since the fight, no one else had let me cry and now it all came flooding out. He stroked my hair and rocked me – its going to be ok baby.
I raised my head and looked in his eyes, he was crying and we kissed. He said – you have to believe me I didn’t bring the knife or the chain, it was Kris.
I tried to pull away and he held me and looked me straight in the eyes, – You have to believe me. All those messages he left, I tried to be out of there. I called back and asked for a few more minutes.
Me – my phone died. What messages?
JC – you don’t know?  I didn’t think you would let him send them but I thought maybe you hated me that much.
Me – what are you talking about?

He pulled out his phone, punched few buttons and handed me his phone. It was Kris’s voice threatening him and saying horrible things; I couldn’t even listen, all sent from my phone that night. JC went on to say that the chain was Kris’s bike chain and he swore the knife wasn’t his. JC was looking at jail time for assault with a weapon, if Kris brought the weapons it changed everything.

You Would Help The Dog Wouldn’t You?

I read an article the other day about an experiment someone did with a dog in a cage.

I cried and could barely finish reading it because it was so cruel and then I realized not only was I empathizing  with the dog I was crying for me and all the other women who have been in abusive relationships.

The experiment was; they put the dog in a cage then they electrified one side, the dog soon learned that it would get an electric shock if it went to that side of the cage so avoided doing so. Then they switched the electric stock to the other side of the cage and the dog quickly learned to not go to that side of the cage.

Then they made it so that no matter where the dog went in the cage it got an electric shock. At first the dog frantically ran around the cage looking for a safe place where it wouldn’t get shocked but eventually it gave up and just laid down resigned to the fact that that it had to live with the shocks. (I still can’t even type it without crying)

But the big surprise came when the scientists opened the door expecting the dog to bolt out of it’s torture chamber and the dog refused to leave the cage.

Why? Why would it choose to stay? I can only assume it’s world had gone from predictable where it knew how to avoid getting hurt to totally out of it’s control. It was used to the shocks but had no idea what would happen if it left the cage so it stayed because it couldn’t trust it’s instincts and was so confused and beaten down it stayed where it was.

First of all I think it’s appalling that they did that to the dog. Apparently there is a video showing the experiment  but I didn’t want to watch it.

It makes me ill to think I was an experiment to JC, nothing more than a dog in a cage. He said as much after we split when he told me that every time I forgave him or tolerated something he did, he thought to himself, “I got away with that I wonder what more she will take.” or “She anticipated my response to that so I will do this and see what she does”.

I often felt like I was being “tested”, “toyed” with to see how far he could push me before I’d react. If I reacted he would accuse me of causing conflict, never being happy or being paranoid and over reacting.

When he told me that I should have told him to fuck off a long time ago. (his words) I got a knot in my stomach, I knew he was right. The thing is that I did tell him to go away, my son told him to go away, and he didn’t. I put his things outside, then I put them out at the street, and he would just ignore the fact that he was told to get out. I called the police and they could do nothing or wouldn’t do anything. And then he would be so sorry and loving and I would relent. I foolishly thought it was because deep down inside he really did love me. I have been struggling with the cold realization that I had been the mouse.

A bored cat will toss a mouse around and “play” with it knowing full well it could kill it at any given moment but not wanting the “fun” to end it keeps allowing the mouse to try to escape until the mouse is exhausted and then kills it.

My male dog does that with rats and chickens, he doesn’t want to eat them he just enjoys the thrill of the chase. Once its dead he will continue to toss it in the air and shake it trying to get it to run so he can chase it some more but once he realizes it isn’t going to come back to life he leaves it alone because he’s bored.

There were times near the end where I wouldn’t get out of bed for days on end because it was easier to sleep and avoid the reality of my life. To watch my business that I had worked so hard to build die a slow death was killing me.

I knew when I went back that he had sabotaged my truck in the past but I hadn’t realized it was in order to destroy my business, I had thought it was to prove he didn’t have to do what I asked or to control me. I had mistakenly thought I would be able to see it coming and protect myself this time. How foolish of me to think I could ever win a battle with a narcissist. Even sadder and more telling of the mindset I was in; is the fact that I would go back to a man who I knew was capable of doing such a thing. Just like there is never justification for a man to hit a woman; it is just plain wrong, it was just plain wrong for him to stay up all night thinking of ways to destroy my business.

It amazes me how they can twist a person’s way of thinking so that you end up rationalizing why he did something when it doesn’t matter why, it was wrong and sick and there is no justification or reason and you need to get away from the sick bastard.

My stomach turns at the realization that he was getting his thrills from watching me suffer and enjoyed tormenting me to the breaking point and then giving me a morsel of affection and I would be so F’ing grateful. How he could destroy everything good in my life and then console me and I would be so grateful and hopeful that this time things would be different.

Why do they come back? Because you are the mouse and they have realized you have some life still in you and they are bored and need some thing to play with.

If you are in a relationship with an N or have left and you’re doubting your decision think about the dog in the cage. You wouldn’t let him do that to a dog would you? You would help the dog and save it wouldn’t you? Give yourself as much respect and love as you would the dog.

I wish I had do it sooner.

How Do I Move On After The Narcissist?

I said to my ex once, “I bet you really wonder about yourself”

Him: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well all your ex’s are psycho bitches.”

Him: “Yeah so, what’s your point?”

Me: “I was just thinking that either you pick psycho bitches or you turn women into psycho bitches, either way you have a real problem.”

So many people end up at my site because they enter search terms such as “My ex N is so happy with his new g/f”, “does an N change for the new woman?”, or “Why can’t I get over my ex N?”, “why does my ex keep hurting me?”

First of all let’s talk about the new girlfriend. She is no better, no worse and no different than any of the other women he has ever been with (including you). We (me included) all like to think we had something special with him, even if we know he is a narcissist and he treated us like crap we like to believe we were some how more special than the others, that he will miss us, how much we loved him and at some point he will realize how much we gave up for him and love us for it.

It hurts like hell to see him looking so happy with another woman, saying that this time he has found the perfect woman and he is a changed man because of her perfect love. You can’t help but have doubts and there’s a little voice inside saying, “It was you that drove him to treat you the way he did; there’s the proof, look at how happy he is and how well he treats her; it must have been you driving him to be abusive”.

Give me a serious break!!! I am 54 years old and didn’t just fall off the pumpkin wagon (or whatever that saying is, turnip truck?) that’s exactly what he wants you and everyone else to think.

Let’s review some facts;

If it was your fault, a healthy man would have left the relationship a long time ago; not kept begging you to take him back promising he’ll change, he wouldn’t stay with you and try to destroy you; he would just leave, period.

Think back to when you started dating him; he treated you like a princess, YOU were special and YOUR special love was so much better than any of his psycho ex’s. He could talk to YOU, he wanted to spend all his time with you, he was your soul mate; remember? You couldn’t believe your good fortune, you told your friends that you had finally met the man of your dreams; he was everything and more than you ever wanted in a love partner.

This is history repeating itself, they just haven’t gotten to the devaluing and discard stage yet that’s all. If he had treated you in the beginning like he treated you in the end we wouldn’t even be having this conversation because you would have dumped his ass after the 2nd date and he wouldn’t be a narcissist he’d be a run of the mill asshole.

Of course he is treating her well; how else can he hook her into believing he’s worth sticking around for?

Of course he is giving her all the things you wanted. This just proves he knew all along what would make you happy and he chose to not give it to you because he is mean like that and now he is rubbing your nose in it. Why? Because he is a nasty, mean, vindictive bottom feeder that gets his kicks from hurting women; that’s why.

Remember how he usually treated you badly behind closed doors, and how when you were out you were so damned happy he was treating you decently you looked happy just like she does. He’s probably told her how you never appreciated how well he treated you and she is going to go out of her way to show how much she appreciates him when he treats her well because she isn’t going to make the same mistake. Think back, what would happen after that great night? He’d usually do something mean or pick a fight and treat you worse than ever for a few days to make up for the good treatment out in public. I know with JC I grew to dread the times he loved with me because it meant there were going to be some really bad times just around the corner. SO IS SHE!!! But he sure isn’t going to let you see that. There is no way he is going to let his true colours show and prove that you are right, he IS an asshole.
He has an image to uphold.

I will bet you dollars to donuts that prior to dumping you he was building his case for leaving you and getting every ounce of sympathy he could by telling everyone who would listen how horribly you treated him, how tough it was for him, how you were impossible to please, and he was doing all the work in the relationship. He was also getting everyone on his side so that if you went to them and told them what really went on they would already know that you were a lying psycho bitch that can’t be trusted. He HAS to appear happy with this new woman in order to prove his point.

He is hoping to drive you over the edge and you will do something in anger and then he can point at you and say, “See? I told you, she’s a psycho bitch!!”

He wants you to be miserable without him, his ego needs it, and if he can keep you crying over him then he knows he is still pushing your buttons and pulling your strings. He is getting a reaction and that is narcissistic supply for him.

It’s about control, he may not want you any more but he is like a 3 year old child who doesn’t want a certain toy any more until some other child picks it up and starts playing with it. Once you have dated him you are his possession whether he wants you or not; no one else is allowed to play with you. If he can keep you crying over him, wondering what he is doing, and obsessing over him then there isn’t much chance you are going to get hooked up with some other guy.

He will keep doing things to hurt you until he stops getting a payoff from it. As long as he can make you angry, cry or react in some way he will keep doing it or until he gets bored or finds another victim for secondary supply. One woman is never enough for a narcissist for long; he has to have a second supply or more; either women he is casually pursuing or ex’s he keeps on the hook, or personal ads on the internet that he might not even meet but he leads on until they get sick of not meeting and move along.

A narcissist is NEVER what he appears to be, his whole life is a game of strategy, he does not love, he does not even hate, everyone is a pawn in his game, every one is disposable, and everything he does is part of his game to win. Win what? Narcissistic supply, admiration, adoration, love, money, things, respect, jealousy, prestige whatever he values and that includes your possessions, friends, family, your home, heart and soul and if he can’t have them or he has taken all you have, he will destroy you for running out or not giving him more. When he leaves he wants to make sure you have nothing left or he will come back to get it later. For him every move he makes is part of his strategy. Like a game of chess, he is always planning his next move, and trying to anticipate everyone else’s moves ahead of time. That’s why he used to lie about things he didn’t have to lie about because life is a lie, a game, and everyone who knows him is a player in the fantasy life he envisions for himself. He envisions all women adoring him and pining away for him, just waiting for him to grace them with his presence. He’s a rock star in his own mind and we are all his groupies.

Everyone is a potential enemy, his life is so orchestrated and built on lies and deceit it is balanced very precariously. A narcissist hates being alone, that doesn’t mean once he has the woman dependent enough on him he won’t leave her home all alone; he needs to know there is a woman at home waiting for him, worrying that he is with some other woman. He feeds off of the woman’s insecurities, insecurities HE instilled in her through subtle or blatant manipulation and innuendo. He lives in constant fear of it all crumbling and all it takes is for one person to blow his cover and who knows him better than you? He has to keep you doubting yourself, weak and unstable so you are easily discredited. His best defense right now is that you are so devastated by him leaving you that you would say anything to tarnish his good reputation and ruin his new relationship, or make him lose his job and destroy his life.

You just want to wipe that smug look off her face for her don’t you?

Of course she is smug right now; he keeps telling her that she is perfect for him. He loves her just the way she is and how he thought he was in love before but now he knows what REAL love is. He is telling her that she isn’t like you or his other ex’s, she doesn’t cause conflict and pick fights with him. He’s probably told her that you think it won’t last between them and she’s going to show you!

All she has seen so far is this wonderfully even tempered guy that never gets angry, treats her like a queen and can’t get enough of her and all she’s heard is that you falsely accused him of cheating, you were demanding, constantly badgered him for more money, bled him dry in fact, you were like a bottomless pit that he couldn’t fill and now you are trying to ruin his life. He has probably even told her that he is afraid she is going to believe your lies about him and leave him and then you will have destroyed his life.

He has told her that he was unhappy for a long time but you kept begging him to stay but finally he just could not take the constant fighting and even though he hated to hurt you; he’s such a sensitive guy (she has even seen him cry about it) he had to leave. He’s probably even reminisced about all the wonderful things he did for you that you never appreciated. She is thinking she is so much better than you and she got what you abused and lost and she isn’t going to let this great guy slip through HER fingers.

You can bet money that he is telling her all those nasty things he did to you; you actually did to him and she is feeling very protective of him; what kinda of bitch would hurt this wonderful soft hearted man. She is probably thinking “If I ever get the chance to meet this psycho bitch I am going to tell her exactly what I think of the way she treated my sweetie.”

Plus, women are nasty and competitive creatures anyway, in general they love to know they are better than other women and the majority of them will walk right over a woman in her stilettos to get the man.

Some day soon she is going to have lights, bells and whistles going off in her head when all of a sudden he is doing to her what he said you did to him, or she’ll catch him cheating and he’ll deny it, or as in my ex and my case. When we were dating he told me it had been over a long time before he moved out, they hadn’t slept together for months. I thought well, what woman wouldn’t know it was over if the guy isn’t coming to bed, she must have been brain dead. THEN, after awhile he started coming to bed later and later, it was really upsetting to me, he kept telling me I was over reacting, that he loved me, eventually he stopped coming to bed but he still kept telling me he loved me and made excuses for not coming to bed. I figured it was over but he kept denying it and saying it was my nagging that made him not want to come to bed, or that he was working on my truck and I wasn’t appreciative of his efforts. Then I remembered our conversation from years ago and knew why she didn’t know it was over.

At some point in the not to distant future the puzzle pieces aren’t going to fit, there will be pieces missing, and or maybe even some pieces for a totally different puzzle will appear and her ride on the emotional roller coaster will begin.

Let’s for the sake of argument figure out what he would have to do to truly change; do you think it is possible for a man who has abused women his whole life to just stop? Without counseling, without admitting he has a problem, without blaming someone else? Just because he met a new woman? Sorry it just does not happen.

So maybe for the sake of argument he stops hitting women.

Now he has to give up controlling the woman, he has to be faithful for the first time in his life. Ok let’s give him that one for the fun of it.

It is a lot harder to give up being a pathological liar. Is it possible?

Then there is the total disregard for the feelings of others. Can a person grow a conscience at 40 yrs old. This isn’t the yellow brick road and unless his new woman is Dorothy I am pretty sure there is no where you can get a conscience from a wizard.

His addiction to porn, personal ads, and kinky sex; now that stuff you can usually curb for a while and then it is pretty easy to hide if you are careful; but quit completely without a support group or therapy?? Not bloody likely.

And isn’t atonement for previous sins part of recovery for people with these sort of issues?

I am sorry, but I am just not convinced he can change; just like THAT, or at all.

b>Why Can’t I Get Over Him and Move On With My Life?

For one thing he gave you everything a person ever dreams of in a partner, total unconditional love (or so it seemed), but not only did he give you love he made you want to love him back, he started a slow and insidious mission to make you dependent on him; for everything. Being totally dependent on someone is unhealthy enough but he doesn’t do it so he can treat you well and care for you, provide for you and love you.

No; he makes you dependent on him so he can abuse you and you feel you must take it because you are helpless to leave. THAT is the utmost in evil and abusive. To strip a person of everything they hold dear, everything that holds a fond memory from the past, their friends and family, their security; like their job and home, their self esteem, and then when you are a shell of the person you used to be; discard you like yesterdays garbage.

THEN come back and do it again. Just like a hunter will put another bullet in the head of the game he shot to make sure the job is done so does the narcissist come back to give you one final blow just in case you had any strength left to get back up he has to make sure you know how much he loathes you.

Wow!! Can a person get more evil? How do you accept that a man you loved with all your heart is that cruel and cold hearted, how could you have been so wrong about him? How could you love someone that void of compassion and caring? It leaves you reeling, unable to cope with the reality, your mind not wanting accept what you are now fully comprehending. You have to relive the whole relationship, each hurt, every pain that you buried because it was just too much to bare at the time, it is a lot of painful work and you see him off happy with a new woman in total denial he ever did anything abusive. As if that isn’t bad enough, the people you thought would be supportive, society in general revictimizes you with they lack of empathy and understanding. More than likely he has left you penniless, jobless and in poor health mentally and physically. It is only natural that you would want him back, not the mean nasty guy; but the one you met, the one you see now with the new woman. If you had him back you wouldn’t have to face all the ugliness of your time with him, your mind and heart wouldn’t have to accept reality and you wouldn’t have to try to put your life (which he left in a shambles) back together.

PLUS it is a proven fact, research has been done on it and every web site and book ever written on “how to seduce a woman” will tell you that the fastest way to hook a woman is to keep her guessing, off balance, push her away and pull her back; that sort of thing. It’s natural to want what you can’t have, no one likes to be rejected and the narcissist has perfected rejection. He has pulled you in and then rejected you so many times you thought he would never really leave but he did this time and in the most cruel way possible. He will continue to hurt you as long as you leave any opening for him to do so that is why no contact is so important.

Even if you don’t want him back; you want him to tell you why he treated you so badly, what did you do so wrong to deserve to be rejected so cruelly? If he would just tell you that you are a good person maybe you could move on. You will never get it from him, if he does apologize and admit he was cruel he will do it in such a way you will end up hurt again. If he says he wants to be friends or help you he has an ulterior motive and you can bet it will involve you getting used and hurt again. Continued contact keeps you on the roller coaster ride of rejection.

I have never done heroin but from talking to people who have I have learned that they keep using in a futile attempt to experience a high like that first high. It is never as good as the first time but they keep trying; the Chinese call it “chasing the dragon”. When you stay in contact with a narcissist you are “chasing the dragon” and you will never get what you are looking for.

It is as if you have been possessed by some evil entity, all the joy has been taken from your world, like they left a black cloud behind and you will never see the light of day again. The cloud will dissipate the longer they are out of your life. They made themselves such a huge part of your life you are now left with an emptiness you are desperate to fill. With their lies, infidelity, control, erratic behavior, moodiness and love/hate treatment they made it so all you could think about was them. What did they mean by that, where are they, who are they with, are they lying, will they ruin your birthday, will they destroy something you cherish, will they be nice when they get home, will they come home, will they call when they said they will?

Every second of every day has been filled with thoughts of them and now they are gone and what fills that time? More thoughts of them and the new woman, what are they doing, is he treating her better than he treated you, is he missing you, etc. I don’t know how you stop thinking about them, because it’s been a year and ½ and I still find my mind drifting to thoughts of him and how do you stop that without thinking of him. It’s kind of a vicious cycle.

So what I have done is changed the scenario in my head, if I can’t stop thinking about him I CAN change what I choose to think about. Instead of envisioning him treating her so well and giving her everything I wanted I envision the way he used to treat me only it isn’t me in the picture any more, it is her being treated so badly, it is her sitting at home wondering if he’s going to show up, it’s her calling him and he isn’t answering the phone. More than likely that is closer to what is really happening than the scene playing in your head that she is so damn happy.

Besides, you must have heard about the power of thought; that what you think becomes reality? You certainly don’t want him to treat her well so stop thinking it!!! The more you envision her getting the horrible treatment you used to receive from him the less you will hate her and the happier you will be that you are out of the picture and she is in it. You have to stop making it about you, because it really has nothing to do with you or her for that matter; it’s all about him.

I know there is a feeling that you “wasted” all that time you were with him; time is never wasted as long as you learn something in the process and as long as you don’t waste any more time obsessing about it. like the saying goes, “Throwing good money after bad” well this is “Throwing good time after wasted time” you didn’t know better before but now you do, learn from it and stop wasting your precious life on that asshole.

You are strong, look at what you went through and you are still here. It is time to nurture yourself, take a course, read a self help book, volunteer at a dog shelter or a soup kitchen, seniors home, work on a crisis line, do something good to help others and you will feel better about yourself in the process; win/win instead of lose/lose.

I make sure I look my best every time I leave the house just in case I do run into him/them; I want to look like I am doing just fine without him. I do not seek him out or try to be where he might be but if I do see him I don’t say anything nasty but I don’t chit chat either, I will not give him the satisfaction of crying or being happy to see him. I will not prove to her his claims that I am an angry bitch by attacking him verbally or seeking revenge.

My time and my soul are much too valuable to waste any more of me on him. He is a sick individual who I can not cure and who was toxic in my life; I choose to surround myself with people who appreciate me for who I am and who are not out to destroy the goodness in me or my life.

Now repeat after me:

I am a good person who deserves to be happy.

He is a sick evil person who I can not help and is toxic in my life.

I will not waste any more of my precious time on him or let him poison my life any longer.

I choose to be happy and surround myself with positive people who enhance my life not seek to destroy it.

By not allowing evil into my life I am creating room for the goodness to enter.

And it will!!!

Remember, you are not alone, this was not your fault and it is never too late to improve your life.

I have faith in you!
Carrie

* IF anyone knows of a narcissist who has changed over the long term I would be very interested in hearing about it. Personally I have never heard of it happening.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck