I have said it before, to you, to the doctors and nurses, to my friends and family; quality of life is far more important to me than quantity of life.
Once again, I had the opportunity to ponder this belief, as I lay on the floor of my living room, with the 911 operator telling me help was on the way and I was telling him I didn’t think I was going to live much longer.
You see, ever since I got the vaccine I have not felt well and exactly two weeks after getting the Pfizer vaccine, I collapsed, breaking my ankle in the process. My implanted defibrillator jump started my heart, but I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breath, I was barely able to crawl to my phone and call 911.
It turns out the Pfizer vaccine has been causing heart failure in mostly young men. In my mind, if it causes heart inflammation and failure in young men; what does it do to the heart of middle aged woman who already has heart failure? I was feeling great, I get the vaccine; against my better judgement, and almost immediately felt like crap and like my heart was failing again.
The only thing I could think of while laying on my floor was telling my son I love him and then to call my dog to my side, so the EMT could get in and to keep her calm. I wasn’t afraid of dying at all, I could die tomorrow with no regrets. What scares me, is not having any quality of life.
What really pisses me off is; a few years ago I was at the lowest point in my life. I can’t imagine getting much lower, sick with heart failure and given no more than 6 months to live, living in my car, struggling to survive on $600/month welfare, my ex stalking me and trying to get me evicted, arrested and fired.
I had over come all of it!!
My life was going great. No big ups, but no big downs, I love my trailer. I was making enough money to do the things I wanted, maintain my car and home, never worried about where I was going to get groceries. I was able to buy gifts for loved ones, and give to those in need. I had my dream job and got accolades daily at work. I had free reign over all the garden design of a 55 acres golf course, and had completed all the design and planting, and was doing the final finishing touches just as the 2021 season begins.
I have committed to having my grand daughter come to stay with me in less than 2 weeks. I have a standard transmission on my car, I live in a rather remote area. I was planning on having money to entertain her with. Hell, I was going to have enough money to skirt my trailer before winter, I need a new phone. I had spent money I haven’t made yet.
What really pisses me off is having my whole life ripped out from under me again and being totally helpless to do a damn thing about it, and my gut had been screaming at me to not get the fucking vaccine!
So, what does this have to do with a narcissist and living my best life? When you are looking at the end of your life and have very precious limited time on this earth, you don’t want to waste the time you have on things that don’t really matter.
Near death puts things into perspective. I regret all the hours, days, weeks and years I wasted trying to be what some man wanted. How many tears have I wasted on men who didn’t give a shit?
I wasted years after I left the narcissist just obsessing about what he was doing and with who. Years being angry.
It has taken me literally years to put my life back together. I have worked SO hard on myself, on being the best version of me that I can be.
This triggers me back 10 years to when my ex was promising to fix my work truck (that he had broken to begin with) and he played this sadistic power game of promising to fix it over and over again, only to not do it. Or when I would get up for work and he would have done something to my truck and this feeling of defeat would envelop me. I had to turn my feelings off completely in order to not have a complete break down. I feel that now. I have to surrender, throw up my hands and give up the battle, or have a complete break down.
I get pissed off at women who are so wrapped up in their relationship with a narcissist that they are wasting their lives. I want to grab them and shake them; scream at them, “Time is so precious! Wake up and appreciate all that you have, before it’s gone!”
I know a 24 yr old single mom who recently left a narcissist, she is already dating a sweetheart of a guy. But she’s going to lose him, because he IS healthy and has no desire to fix anyone. He is encouraging her to pursuit her education, better herself, be independent, and expects nothing from her. And she expects nothing from herself. She relies on him to make her feel good about herself. She isn’t ready to grow up and do what needs to be done to grow as a person and protect herself, better herself and have a healthy relationship.
She is relying on the sweetheart of a guy to play the daddy role already, and he has kids of his own. She is more focussed on getting her ego boosted with seductive photos and duck-faced selfies, instead of self reflection and getting to know herself and being the best version of herself.
Plus she is trying to make her ex feel bad, jealous, or realize he made a mistake. What she doesn’t realize is, he does.not.care, and her plastering that her new boyfriend is “daddy” is only making her look bad and proving what he claims; she is being a vindictive bitch alienating his daughter from him. She is making his court case for him.
Like it or not, it’s time to put her big girl panties on and face reality. She is in control of her destiny, no one else, and she is in danger of repeating history.
Maybe 24 is simply to young to “get” it. Maybe she has to repeat history a few more times before the light goes on. It’s sad.