Tag Archives: strength

Learning To Live A Life Worth Living

I have said it before, to you, to the doctors and nurses, to my friends and family; quality of life is far more important to me than quantity of life.

Once again, I had the opportunity to ponder this belief, as I lay on the floor of my living room, with the 911 operator telling me help was on the way and I was telling him I didn’t think I was going to live much longer.

You see, ever since I got the vaccine I have not felt well and exactly two weeks after getting the Pfizer vaccine, I collapsed, breaking my ankle in the process. My implanted defibrillator jump started my heart, but I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breath, I was barely able to crawl to my phone and call 911.

It turns out the Pfizer vaccine has been causing heart failure in mostly young men. In my mind, if it causes heart inflammation and failure in young men; what does it do to the heart of middle aged woman who already has heart failure? I was feeling great, I get the vaccine; against my better judgement, and almost immediately felt like crap and like my heart was failing again.

The only thing I could think of while laying on my floor was telling my son I love him and then to call my dog to my side, so the EMT could get in and to keep her calm. I wasn’t afraid of dying at all, I could die tomorrow with no regrets. What scares me, is not having any quality of life.

What really pisses me off is; a few years ago I was at the lowest point in my life. I can’t imagine getting much lower, sick with heart failure and given no more than 6 months to live, living in my car, struggling to survive on $600/month welfare, my ex stalking me and trying to get me evicted, arrested and fired.

I had over come all of it!!

My life was going great. No big ups, but no big downs, I love my trailer. I was making enough money to do the things I wanted, maintain my car and home, never worried about where I was going to get groceries. I was able to buy gifts for loved ones, and give to those in need. I had my dream job and got accolades daily at work. I had free reign over all the garden design of a 55 acres golf course, and had completed all the design and planting, and was doing the final finishing touches just as the 2021 season begins.

I have committed to having my grand daughter come to stay with me in less than 2 weeks. I have a standard transmission on my car, I live in a rather remote area. I was planning on having money to entertain her with. Hell, I was going to have enough money to skirt my trailer before winter, I need a new phone. I had spent money I haven’t made yet.

What really pisses me off is having my whole life ripped out from under me again and being totally helpless to do a damn thing about it, and my gut had been screaming at me to not get the fucking vaccine!

So, what does this have to do with a narcissist and living my best life? When you are looking at the end of your life and have very precious limited time on this earth, you don’t want to waste the time you have on things that don’t really matter.

Near death puts things into perspective. I regret all the hours, days, weeks and years I wasted trying to be what some man wanted. How many tears have I wasted on men who didn’t give a shit?

I wasted years after I left the narcissist just obsessing about what he was doing and with who. Years being angry.

It has taken me literally years to put my life back together. I have worked SO hard on myself, on being the best version of me that I can be.

This triggers me back 10 years to when my ex was promising to fix my work truck (that he had broken to begin with) and he played this sadistic power game of promising to fix it over and over again, only to not do it. Or when I would get up for work and he would have done something to my truck and this feeling of defeat would envelop me. I had to turn my feelings off completely in order to not have a complete break down. I feel that now. I have to surrender, throw up my hands and give up the battle, or have a complete break down.

I get pissed off at women who are so wrapped up in their relationship with a narcissist that they are wasting their lives. I want to grab them and shake them; scream at them, “Time is so precious! Wake up and appreciate all that you have, before it’s gone!”

I know a 24 yr old single mom who recently left a narcissist, she is already dating a sweetheart of a guy. But she’s going to lose him, because he IS healthy and has no desire to fix anyone. He is encouraging her to pursuit her education, better herself, be independent, and expects nothing from her. And she expects nothing from herself. She relies on him to make her feel good about herself. She isn’t ready to grow up and do what needs to be done to grow as a person and protect herself, better herself and have a healthy relationship.

She is relying on the sweetheart of a guy to play the daddy role already, and he has kids of his own. She is more focussed on getting her ego boosted with seductive photos and duck-faced selfies, instead of self reflection and getting to know herself and being the best version of herself.

Plus she is trying to make her ex feel bad, jealous, or realize he made a mistake. What she doesn’t realize is, he does.not.care, and her plastering that her new boyfriend is “daddy” is only making her look bad and proving what he claims; she is being a vindictive bitch alienating his daughter from him. She is making his court case for him.

Like it or not, it’s time to put her big girl panties on and face reality. She is in control of her destiny, no one else, and she is in danger of repeating history.

Maybe 24 is simply to young to “get” it. Maybe she has to repeat history a few more times before the light goes on. It’s sad.

How Low Can You Go?

I’ve listened to this mother/son duet 4 times and this morning sobbed listening to it again.

Before the N, I had no idea how low a person can get. I was so hopeless, I couldn’t imagine my life ever being ok again. I couldn’t imagine ever being happy again.

I was truly broken in every sense of the word. Everything I thought to be true was a lie. I didn’t know who I was. I had no idea how sick my mind had become. I hadn’t realized how screwed up my values had become.

I had no idea how strong I was until I survived what I never thought I could. I didn’t appreciate life until it was almost taken away. I never knew how talented I was until i had nothing to lose by trying something new. Until I had to rebuild myself.

I had never realized how shallow my mother was until I had to rebuild myself and examined my beliefs about myself. I saw and felt her inability to deal with the “shame” of my situation.

The worst hurt, the most damage, the hardest thing to over come was not the pain the narc caused in my life and heart; it was my mother’s negativity and selfishness. It took being broken to realize how she had handicapped me my whole life.

Once I came to that realization I was able to heal and eventually I was able to express my anger and pain to her and forgive her, even though I know she doesn’t really “get it”.

Listen to this mother and son and let it out. Have a good cry, let all the pain, fear, anger and self doubt out. Then go wash your face and do something. Anything, that has a positive impact on someone’s life, be it yours or a stranger’s. Just take a step forward. Know you can rise up.

You don’t need to know all the steps, you won’t know what the future holds and it is scary but trust me, the first step is the most important and the only one that counts. Until you make that first step, all the good things waiting for you can’t happen and you will remain in limbo. Rise Up! You aren’t alone. You are stronger than you know.

https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=3739605279501402

Definition Of A Strong Independent Woman

I think many people are confused about the traits of a strong independent woman.

They see a woman who’s outspoken, in your face, and will tell you exactly what they think of you, and think she is a strong woman. So many victims will say they need to tell the narcissist what they think of him so he doesn’t think they are weak or that he won.

There are alot of people who view victims of domestic abuse as being weak and needy, when often times the opposite is true.

I had someone say I am “just like your mother”, strong and independent. I was shocked! and said as much; “my mother is opinionated and judgemental, but she is far from strong and independent. I have known women who will give a man shit using language like the proverbial logger. I’ve known women who will make demands of those around her and not back down because she thinks she deserves their compliance and “respect”. Women who will argue, loudly! and angrily because they must always be right, (even though they don’t have a fucking clue what they’re talking about). They will declare someone a loser, stupid, or an asshole based on superficial appearances, or consider someone successful based on outward appearances.

Usually this type of person is in fact quite insecure and very dependent on the approval of others and their opinions tend to change with popular opinion. They are not narcissists but often times they end up inadvertently being the flying monkeys of the narcissist. They are dangerous, because they don’t stand by their convictions or their convictions aren’t based on facts or educated.

A truly strong woman is not in your face, she is not judgemental and makes her decisions about people based on her own experience and gut instincts. A strong woman will stand by her convictions because she has formed them after educating herself and personal experience. She is willing to listen to an opposing opinion without attacking the other person, because her opinion is based on her experience and knowledge and she is confident in her decisions. She will defend her position calmly with facts and isn’t threatened by someone disagreeing with her.

A strong woman doesn’t make rash decisions and weighs the facts.

A strong woman doesn’t go with popular opinion and has strong moral convictions. She defends the people she cares about and will have your back no matter what. She may not have many friends, because she takes the job of “friend” very seriously. She is a loyal and devoted partner who will “stand by her man” when many less strong women would have walked away.

A strong woman isn’t with a man for his money or because she needs a man to take care of her. She is there because of love and will sacrifice her own resources and security because she is confident she can recoup any losses and she doesn’t gauge a person’s value on what they have.

What hurt me far more than being hit by my ex was, the people I loved and trusted the most in my life turning against me because they thought I was weak. (Besides the fact that family of all people especially should be there for you when you are feeling weak)

What they were calling weak was the same self sacrifice and loyalty they had taken for granted from me for years. The same strength they had grown to rely on when their lives fell apart or they had no one in their corner.

A strong woman gets on with life and will prove over and over again what she is made of, without saying a word.

Don’t allow the narcissist to bait you into becoming the psycho vindictive bitch he says you are.

It was when I gave up trying to defend myself and accepted that I only had control over my own actions and not the actions or opinions of the narc or the people who believed his lies, that I was able to find peace. When I made the conscious decision to always live true to my core self and to hell with the rest of the world is when my life started to fall into place.

I didn’t want to remain a victim so I didn’t make it part of my identity. I decided a couple of years ago to just carry on, being me, living honestly, true to my core self; more than ever before in my life. Of course I care what people think of me, I want people to like me, but it doesn’t affect how I operate, I remain true to me.

The other day I was telling a couple of women I have known for about 3 years about being in an abusive relationship because I felt it was relevant to our discussion about the trailer I am fixing up. I didn’t think they thought I was weak, I think the information just gave their opinion of me more depth.

The thing is; I know I am not weak. That knowledge is my secret power. It is that knowledge that puts a smile on my face when someone under estimates what I am capable of.

I always thought I was strong, I had gone through some stuff in my life that alot of people never have to face and I did it with calm control at a young age. I knew I had the strength within me to handle the situation and at those times I had family support also. But I discovered how tremendously strong I am when I faced something I didn’t think I could survive and made it through, totally on my own. Some people never discover how strong they actually are.

The first thought and the first thing I say to a woman who tells me she just left an abuser after, say; 20 plus years is, “You must be an incredibly strong woman.” Not just to leave, but to have stayed 20 years.

I compare it to my dog, Stella. I find it interesting that she is the most nonaggressive dog at the dog park. She stands there observing. Some dogs are just assholes, they will pick up every dog in the park, regardless of size, but they never ever pick up Stella.

There are other dogs that will roll over and show their belly in submission the minute some dog shows them aggression. Stella never shows her belly.

The minute she sees a dog being picked on she wades in and gets in their face barking. If they don’t stop she blocks them with her body and as a last resort she will get her legs around the bully, throw them down and lay on them until they submit.

She never looks for confrontation but she is fearless when it happens. We were walking the other day and there was car parked with a couple in it. The guy was loudly giving the woman shit. Stella was very concerned about it and kept stopping and turning back to look at the car. After the 3rd time I told her, “Ok. Let’s go check it out”. And let her lead the way. She walked straight up to the driver’s door of the car and stared at the man and I stood on the sidewalk watching. The guy stopped yelling and looked at Stella, “Hey Buddy”, he said and then looked at me, looking at him. He stopped yelling and we went on our way.

And you know what? Everyone loves Stella.

My point is this; don’t allow your head or anyone else convince you that you are not strong. A truly strong person is not afraid to show vulnerability and be themselves because they know; whatever comes their way, they will survive it.

Also, you need to realize that the narcissist didn’t take anything from you that you didn’t give away. You always were in control and could have left any time. To confront the narcissist is not going to prove you are strong, it is only going to prove he still has control over your emotions.

Do you have an accurate view of what makes a strong woman?