I didn’t know Narcissists even existed and then when i did find some information on them I went into denial. At the time I went looking for answers to why he was acting the way he was there wasn’t a whole lot of information out there. I would put a search term like, “My husband acts like he hated me” or “He loves me one day and hates me the next” . I would go on a site and there would be a list of traits and James would have most of the traits but he did’t display them 100% of the time. Any support forum said to leave him and go no contact. The people on these sites were so hate filled and seemed to be able to easily walk away and I knew they didn’t understand the connection James and I had. They didn’t understand how strong our love was.
After all a love like this doesn’t come along everyday, you don’t “Just walk away” from a love that strong. James. I wanted answers on how to make it work, I didn’t want to leave him!
There were certain traits that just didn’t fit James, for one thing I knew he really loved me and he had never cheated on me. I knew he was incapable of making love or saying I love you to any other woman. The guilt would eat away at him, he was always honest with me. We had tried to break up but there was a force stronger than either of us pulling us back together. Every time we broke up he was miserable, I was sure he was hurt from his past experiences with those psycho bitches from his past and the intense love we had was scaring him and he was trying to push me away so he wouldn’t get hurt again. I was sure that if I stuck with him and proved to him I was not like all the rest one day he would realize my love was pure and true and let me love him the way I wanted to.
Our love making was always intense and when he did come to bed we held each other all night. When my head was on his chest I felt like all was good in the world, I was right where I belonged. As long as I coud put my head on his chest at night I could get through anything.
When we broke up I couldn’t breath. We would have a fight about something and storm out of the house saying it was over, he wanted me out. I would be a basket case, cry all day and either I would call him sobbing or on the rare occasions I was able to stay strong and not call, he would call me and in his sweet voice he would ask how I was. Inevitably I would start to cry and he would say, “Awww Baby, I hate it when you cry. Where are you? I will come and get you.”
The touch of his hand, him leaning in and giving me a kiss, him calling me Babe or Baby, saying “I love you” was like a drug, it calmed me. I had never been more sure of a love for someone in my life.
As things got progressively worse I clung to his lies and the more I lied to myself, the more I adjusted my “deal breakers” the more I accepted the more I had to lie to myself and the more self respect I lost. I gave up everything for a false love, I put everything in the basket of James, he was my future, I had invested everything, I couldn’t leave him now.
Near the end he stopped trying to hide his infidelity, he stopped making love to me, saying he loved me and I had resigned myself to the fact that I loved him and come what may I was not leaving him again. I became numb, I didn’t like me, I didn’t feel loved and I felt helpless to change anything.
And in the end, he was absolutely everything I had ever read about narcissists and more, he was a pathological liar, a cheater, abusive, he bled me dry of every penny he could and he tried to destroy any chance I had of getting back on my feet. I was so sure he would never be able to treat me that cruelly; but when they are done with you they toss you aside like yesterday’s garbage without a backwards glance. They HATE you and make sure you know it.
So if you are thinking you have something special, a connection that no one else can understand; you are not alone, every other victim has felt the way you do. I am sorry to break it to you, but you are not special and if you stay with him or go back to him , you WILL experience the ultimate discard eventually or you will live a life of walking on egg shells, never able to please him, never able to express any feelings, enjoy anything, count on him for anything except that he won’t be there for you, your friends will all drop off, family will get sick of hearing about it, you will lose your job and become dependent on him. His resentment will become more obvious and the good times will get fewer and farther apart until there are no good times. You will stop reacting or confronting him on anything because it will be pointless and you don’t want to fight and defend yourself any more. You will shut off your feelings just to survive and you will pray he kills you because you can’t leave and you know you are dying inside bit by bit.
Don’t wait until you have nothing left of yourself. All narcissist end up following the same script but they do it at different speeds. Some can go through the steps in a few months, others it takes years; but you can be sure, they all have the same MO.
I started this blog when I was at my absolute lowest time of my life in hopes that by sharing what I was going through some other woman would find my blog and know she was not alone or crazy. I had no idea how many victims there were out there. At first I was afraid to share some of the stuff that happened because it sounded so crazy and like something out of a movie but the more I shared the more people were saying, “OMG that happened to me too.”
I don’t have access to the internet on a regular basis any more and I can’t always respond to comment, but there are enough people coming here now there is usually someone who will comment and offer support.
It was April 2011 that I wrote my first post hoping just one woman would be saved by me sharing my experience and to make myself accountable. I thought I could’t very well kill myself after declaring to the world I was going to survive a narcissist and start over with nothing. I am so grateful to everyone who has visited these pages and support me, support each other and made it what it is today. A safe place for victims of a narcissist to come and find answers and support. It has become something so much bigger than I ever imagined and touched more people than I ever dreamed.
Keep speaking out, and even if I am not here as much as I would like and can’t reply to comments, know that I am here in spirit and care about everyone here.
Thank you to everyone for your support and for your efforts here to help those that come behind you. By sharing you are helping those who come behind you looking for answers, know that you are making a difference just by being here and your experiences were not in vain.
Peace, love and serenity to you all!!