Tag Archives: Support

No One Understands The Connection We Have

reaching out

The internet can be a wonderful thing. Before the internet victims of narcissistic abuse suffered alone, thinking they were crazy. Now we can find support and caring from strangers on the other side of the world who never would have known exists a couple of decades ago.

I didn’t know Narcissists even existed and then when i did find some information on them I went into denial. At the time I went looking for answers to why he was acting the way he was there wasn’t a whole lot of information out there. I would put a search term like, “My husband acts like he hated me” or “He loves me one day and hates me the next” . I would go on a site and there would be a list of traits and James would have most of the traits but he did’t display them 100% of the time. Any support forum said to leave him and go no contact. The people on these sites were so hate filled and seemed to be able to easily walk away and I knew they didn’t understand the connection James and I had. They didn’t understand how strong our love was.

After all a love like this doesn’t come along everyday, you don’t “Just walk away” from a love that strong. James. I wanted answers on how to make it work, I didn’t want to leave him!

There were certain traits that just didn’t fit James, for one thing I knew he really loved me and he had never cheated on me. I knew he was incapable of making love or saying I love you to any other woman. The guilt would eat away at him, he was always honest with me. We had tried to break up but there was a force stronger than either of us pulling us back together. Every time we broke up he was miserable, I was sure he was hurt from his past experiences with those psycho bitches from his past and the intense love we had was scaring him and he was trying to push me away so he wouldn’t get hurt again. I was sure that if I stuck with him and proved to him I was not like all the rest one day he would realize my love was pure and true and let me love him the way I wanted to.

Our love making was always intense and when he did come to bed we held each other all night. When my head was on his chest I felt like all was good in the world, I was right where I belonged. As long as I coud put my head on his chest at night I could get through anything.

When we broke up I couldn’t breath. We would have a fight about something and storm out of the house saying it was over, he wanted me out. I would be a basket case, cry all day and either I would call him sobbing or on the rare occasions I was able to stay strong and not call, he would call me and in his sweet voice he would ask how I was. Inevitably I would start to cry and he would say, “Awww Baby, I hate it when you cry. Where are you? I will come and get you.”

The touch of his hand, him leaning in and giving me a kiss, him calling me Babe or Baby, saying “I love you” was like a drug, it calmed me. I had never been more sure of a love for someone in my life.

As things got progressively worse I clung to his lies and the more I lied to myself, the more I adjusted my “deal breakers” the more I accepted the more I had to lie to myself and the more self respect I lost. I gave up everything for a false love, I put everything in the basket of James, he was my future, I had invested everything, I couldn’t leave him now.

Near the end he stopped trying to hide his infidelity, he stopped making love to me, saying he loved me and I had resigned myself to the fact that I loved him and come what may I was not leaving him again. I became numb, I didn’t like me, I didn’t feel loved and I felt helpless to change anything.

And in the end, he was absolutely everything I had ever read about narcissists and more, he was a pathological liar, a cheater, abusive, he bled me dry of every penny he could and he tried to destroy any chance I had of getting back on my feet. I was so sure he would never be able to treat me that cruelly; but when they are done with you they toss you aside like yesterday’s garbage without a backwards glance. They HATE you and make sure you know it.

So if you are thinking you have something special, a connection that no one else can understand; you are not alone, every other victim has felt the way you do. I am sorry to break it to you, but you are not special and if you stay with him or go back to him , you WILL experience the ultimate discard eventually or you will live a life of walking on egg shells, never able to please him, never able to express any feelings, enjoy anything, count on him for anything except that he won’t be there for you, your friends will all drop off, family will get sick of hearing about it, you will lose your job and become dependent on him.  His resentment will become more obvious and the good times will get fewer and farther apart until there are no good times. You will stop reacting or confronting him on anything because it will be pointless and you don’t want to fight and defend yourself any more. You will shut off your feelings just to survive and you will pray he kills you because you can’t leave and you know you are dying inside bit by bit.

Don’t wait until you have nothing left of yourself. All narcissist end up following the same script but they do it at different speeds. Some can go through the steps in a few months, others it takes years; but you can be sure, they all have the same MO.

I started this blog when I was at my absolute lowest time of my life in hopes that by sharing what I was going through some other woman would find my blog and know she was not alone or crazy. I had no idea how many victims there were out there. At first I was afraid to share some of the stuff that happened because it sounded so crazy and like something out of a movie but the more I shared the more people were saying, “OMG that happened to me too.”

I don’t have access to the internet on a regular basis any more and I can’t always respond to comment, but there are enough people coming here now there is usually someone who will comment and offer support.

It was April 2011 that I wrote my first post hoping just one woman would be saved by me sharing my experience and to make myself accountable. I thought I could’t very well kill myself after declaring to the world I was going to survive a narcissist and start over with nothing. I am so grateful to everyone who has visited these pages and support me, support each other and made it what it is today. A safe place for victims of a narcissist to come and find answers and support. It has become something so much bigger than I ever imagined and touched more people than I ever dreamed.

Keep speaking out, and even if I am not here as much as I would like and can’t reply to comments, know that I am here in spirit and care about everyone here.

Thank you to everyone for your support and for your efforts here to help those that come behind you. By sharing you are helping those who come behind you looking for answers, know that you are making a difference just by being here and your experiences were not in vain.

Peace, love and serenity to you all!!

Hugs

Carrie

Donations

I have been encouraged by viewers to have a Donation button on my blog. I did have one for a while when I was going through a tough time and I got through that time mainly due to the generosity of the people who visit my blog.

This is different, I have recently gone on disability and my blog has also gotten very busy; last month I had over 50,000 visitors. That keeps me very busy and I am not making any money off of the time I am investing. I wanted to help people for free, but I never in my wildest dreams thought my blog would be this popular. I have to come up with income because my disability isn’t enough and will run out in a few months. I am going to be forced to make a choice, go out and get a full-time job and give up the blog or supplement a part-time job with some sort of income from the blog. I have allowed advertising and have yet to see what kind of funds that will generate, but if you have been helped by my blog and have the means to help me keep it going any donation will be greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you!!       Make a Donation Button

I am here as proof that there is life after the narcissist. The sun didn’t disappear, it’s just that the black cloud of the narcissist was blocking it. Once he is out of your life the sun WILL shine again and there will be room for good things to enter your life. Do not give up!!

Hugs

Carrie

Friends and Family Who Aren’t

change

When you break away from the Narcissist and you start to heal and get healthy you may find that “friends” try to pull you back into unhealthy behavior and thinking. People don’t like change and they accustomed to you acting and reacting a certain way, even if they say they want you to be happy they seem determined to keep you from moving on.

As you heal you will find you need to talk about the N  and rehash the abuse in order to come to grips with the realization he is a narcissist and in order for your mind to accept the relationship in light of the knowledge that the narcissist never loved you, the relationship was a sham and elaborate ruse. But! talking about your ex is done so you can accept and move on NOT stay stuck in the pain.

No contact is the only way to move on and heal, to hear from friends about what he is doing, who he is seeing etc does you no good, it only causes you pain. For one thing right now the N is working over time to make himself seem the victim and you the emotionally unstable abuser that he escaped from. Have no doubt he is not painting you in a good light and more than likely he is saying that everything he did to you, you did to him. You don’t need to know this, there is nothing you can do about it, the more you defend yourself the more you look unstable and you are better off not going there even if you think you want to know.

You want to know that he is treating the new woman the same way he treated you, you want to hear that she is miserable and he is puling the same shit he did with you. But he will never give that to you, he wants you to doubt yourself, is on his best behavior hooking her, plus he wants everyone to think that he was the victim in the relationship and anything bad he did was your fault so he isn’t going to let his true colors show.

Think back to when you were with him, I know in my case my ex treated me great out in public, we always had a good time; it was behind closed doors that his true nature came out. We could be out having a wonderful time and I would be soaking it up like a dry sponge, thinking that when we got home we would make love or just sit like we used to, talking about the night but the minute we got home he would lock himself in the shop and act like he loathed me. Like a switch going off. You can bet that his new relationship will follow the same steps his relationship with you did.

We find out who our true friends are in times of crisis because some of them bail on us, they are the friends that we only hear from when they are going through a bad time and have no time for us when we are down. But there is another type of “friend” just as toxic or more so; who get off on your sadness, they are the friends who want to hear every gory detail They get off on stirring the pot, they want you to be sad; I don’t know why, what they get out of it, maybe they feel superior because they have the power to make you sad and then they comfort you. It is all a sick dance of sick people. A good friend will not feed your pain, a good friend will not continually tell you that they saw your ex and how happy he looked with the new woman. A good friend will not talk about your ex unless you bring it up, they will take their cues from you.

When JC and I split I told everyone I knew who knew him that if they saw him I didn’t want to know, some people respected that and others ignored it completely and were actually excited and couldn’t wait to tell me if they saw JC.

In fairness to your friends they have probably seen you and your ex split a few times, which is typical of relationships with N’s; and aren’t taking it seriously but if they don’t respect your request to not tell you about your ex then you might have to cut them from your life.

Even with JC’s family, soon after the breakup his step dad brought up his name and was telling me about them dropping by the house and I told him flat out that it really hurt me to hear about JC with the new woman. I didn’t have to say it twice, he never mentioned JC’s name again and we have remained in contact the whole 2 1/2 years since JC and I split. He contacts me every few weeks just to see how I am doing, his mother and I don’t talk as often but when we have talked, we don’t talk about JC. If his family can do it, your friends most certainly can do it; there should be tons of other topics to discuss, if not; then the relationship isn’t worth keeping.

I have a friend who has tried to stay friends with JC and I, I have told him many times that I didn’t want to hear about JC and he has done pretty good. JC has cut all contact with this friend, he says it is because this friend stays in contact with me but in truth this friend has nothing he wants or needs right now. On occasion this friend has asked if I have heard from JC and I tell him no, I have no reason to talk with him and have no desire to see him. A few weeks ago, just before I went in the hospital he called me and asked if I wanted to meet for dinner, I was thrilled because I like this friend. during dinner he told me how he had been to another friends house and JC had been there with his new woman. He’d obviously been bad mouthing me because my friend started asking me questions almost like he doubted my honesty, then he said, “and you have that blog…………but you told me about that”. Exactly!!! I did tell him about my blog, and like I told him once again; the blog is about helping victims of abuse, if anyone were to Google JC’s name my blog would not come up. It is not an attempt to “ruin” JC, not like him using my name and business name on his blog. It has been 2 1/2 years, I have had my blog for almost 2 years and he is obviously still going on about it and God knows what else.

I have moved on. When my friend said again that M was with JC I took it as a direct slap in the face, in other words JC is happy and still with M, well I was with JC 10 years and believe me I was not happy for 9 of those years. M should be just starting to doubt herself, wondering what the hell she did wrong and maybe has been hit by now. I told my friend that I didn’t care and did not want to hear about JC, I didn’t want to know if he saw JC, didn’t want to know who JC was with, where J was or when he saw him. I said, I have no interest whatsoever in what JC is doing or saying, he is a sick son-of-a-bitch.”

A few days later I ended up in the hospital and accidentally dialed my friend and then heard someone says hello so answered and told him I was in the hospital and dialed him by accident and had to go. He never called me or came to see me the 5 days I was in the hospital. I was home for over a two weeks without a word from him, then last week he called and said he was in the neighborhood and asked if he could he come over.

Once again I was happy to hear from him and walked up to meet him at the gate, I started to tell him about how I ended up in the hospital and he interrupted so I didn’t mention it again. He was thrilled about my little place and he ordered in pizza and we talked about his day and then he mentioned again what a great place I have. And THEN he said, “Has JC been here to see it?” I know my face and voice gave away my annoyance and  I snapped, “No, why would he be here? why would you even ask?” He then asked if JC knew about it and I said I didn’t know, I said,” I don’t talk to JC, I have no desire to talk to JC and he had better not show up here.”

Then my friend mentioned that he still hadn’t heard from JC even though he has tried numerous times to contact him through emails. Then I knew why he came to see me, he is upset that JC has “discarded” him and I said, “The reason you haven’t heard from JC is because you have nothing he wants from you. If he ever needs something from you he will contact you.”

I realized my friend wanted to keep me missing JC, talking about JC because of his own issues with JC rejecting him. And as  have noticed with other friends he seemed disappointed that I wasn’t upset about JC, just that I was upset with him for bringing him into the conversation. Somehow because I am now in control of my emotions and want nothing to do with JC and my life is good and I am happy it is like they doubt the abuse and JC is still lamenting about me. I have nothing to prove to anyone and certainly have no desire to defend myself.

I may have just gotten out of the hospital with heart failure, recently lost my job, found the man I was dating with another woman, I found over $4000 I didn’t know I had, purchased a home and a car (something a year ago I would have thought an impossibility,) But I haven’t had any “drama” in my life, if you have been with a narcissist you know what I mean; their lives are always filled with drama. They create drama, they lie about things they don’t have to lie about, they blame you for things they did, they sabotage you,  they are always orchestrating the lives of the people close to them. You are forever being manipulated, walking on egg shells and “on guard”, waiting for the inevitable hurt he is going to inflict on you. a person can have ups and downs, trauma, and crisis in their lives without drama!!

I have none of that in my life any more, and I am remembering and becoming the woman I used to be; I am facing challenges and winning, mainly because I don’t have anyone working in the shadows to destroy me. Left to my own devices, I don’t need to be rescued, life has fallen into place as it should.

If my “friends” don’t respect and appreciate that then they are not friends of mine and I don’t have time for them in my life, they scare me; who would want to pull me back into an abusive relationship? I have found that the more I heal, the healthier I get emotionally, (having another near death experience certainly had something to do with it) the more I cherish the peace in my life and I avoid drama like the plague.

Do you have friends who like to keep you down? or friends that encourage you and support you in your efforts to become healthy and happy?

Hugs to you all!!