Tag Archives: Text Messaging

Is It Time For More Life Changes?

You know if it wasn’t so dang frustrating I would laugh, but |I am not quite there yet.  I keep telling myself that things happen for a reason and things will unfold as they should but I want things to unfold the way I want them too, I don’t want any more change right now, or at least change I have no control over. So get comfy, pour yourself another cup of coffee because this is going to take a while.

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Let me see, what all has happened lately? let me take it one issue at a time because there are so many this might get confusing.

#1 – I was able to pay my mortgage payment, the donations of $550 plus $200 from my baby brother meant I covered the $700 payment and was able to buy groceries. My cell phone didn’t get paid and my phone should be disconnected any day now.

#2 – Greg the owner of Ccon has agreed to pay for the repairs on my truck and add the cost to what I owe him bringing the grand total to about $4700, $3500 for the truck and approximately $1200 for repairs. and then I paid $700 in taxes and to transfer it into my name so this really great truck, a 1993, a twenty year old truck is now costing me $5500. Great!

#3 – It is now one full month my truck has been down and I have no idea when it will be ready. Last week I lost my biggest customer, BD/Valley Fuel Injection, I can’t blame them, they said they need someone with a reliable truck who will be there when they need a pick up. They have been more than patient and the straw that broke the camel’s back was two weeks ago they had a big bin of shavings that had to be picked up and I promised I would have a truck from Ccon come by for it asap. I called Ccon three times and they never showed up. Last week Greg let me borrow a Ccon truck to do a pick up after hours and that gave me $125 for groceries and fuel for my mom’s car, which I have been driving for 2 weeks while they are on holidays, I have to give it back this week. After text messaging Colin for 5 days and not getting any reply I just heard from him and they haven’t even gotten the parts for the truck yet, someone was driving to Langley to get them today. A month!! and they are just now getting the parts!! OH MY GOOD LORD!!

Colin – well, he is turning into a very typical narcissist. I am over him totally because I had my guard up with him and not allowed the relationship to go too far. Yes I was hurt and disappointed when he had that woman up in his suite and had set it up purposely for whatever reason. I don’t try to figure out why narcissists do what they do, it is a waste of energy, it never makes sense. He has been seeing the same woman and she has either moved in or damn close to it. She is rather smug about it but I laugh to myself because she’s next. If she only knew how many women have had that key to his place. My guess is that I was not available enough for him because I refused to stay the night and be there every night. I will never again sacrifice my alone time for a man, I love my place and my dogs and any man who wants to be part of my life has to fit in there somewhere. I also think he used me to hook Miss POF, using triangulation, he sets it up to discard me right in front of her, she feels special and he reels her in. tisk tisk women should never compete with each other over a man, if he expects women to fight over him he isn’t worth their time and they should both leave him and go have a drink and meet a real man. I think I mentioned that when I asked him to check my truck and tried to re-establish some sort of friendship between him and I because I really needed his help he tried to get me into bed, I asked him if Miss POF knew he was still trolling for casual sex. I got no reply but he also stopped answering my text messages or being co-operative about giving me info about my truck. I refuse to sleep with a man and prostitute myself because I don’t have money and he can help me. So I emailed Greg the owner and told him as briefly as possible what had been happening, that we had been involved, I found him with another woman and if I wanted help with my truck I was expected to be a friend with benefits and I was not prepared to do that. I told him it had been two weeks and my truck was still sitting in the same spot where it broke down. That is when he had it towed and said he would pay for the repairs. Then I borrowed the company truck and brought it back after hours and Colin was going to let me in the yard, I text messaged to make sure it was ok and he was very friendly and said he would be home to do that. I went back to loading the truck and my phone died. When I got there he had just gotten out of the shower and invited me up and I said no I would wait outside. I dropped off the truck and left. later when I charged my phone I got the messages he had sent me earlier telling me he was getting naked and going for a shower and that he was sitting naked having a beer. I guess I was supposed to go running up there and screw him because now I get no response when I inquire about my truck. For the love of Pete, these people are sick! you can’t win for losing with them. If you fall for them they will destroy you, use and abuse you and toss you away, if you don’t take the bait and refuse to play their game they make your life hell and make you pay for rejecting their advances. So I guess I have to bother Greg again about stuff that really shouldn’t be his problem, but what can I do?

My health, not good! kinda scary actually. I have lost at least 15 lbs, now I used to be anorexic so losing weight has always been a good thing, my view has always been that I could never be too skinny but I am too skinny. I have no boobs, I never had much to begin with but I literally have nothing now and I don’t look good. Everyone is noticing, (that I have lost weight, not that I don’t have boobs, well at least they haven’t said it out loud, “OMG where did your boobs go?” it’s all happened so suddenly, all in the last month.

My neck – About 25 years ago Kris and I were in a bad car accident, I had just picked him up from daycare and we were T-boned by a big lifted 4×4 pick up, it totalled my little one month old Nissan Sentra but Kris and I walked away from it intact. Aside from bruising from the seat belts and a bump on my head from hitting the door frame we were fine, or so we thought. I was seriously into body building at the time so the injury didn’t show up for another 10 years.

I had quit weight training and had noticed I was getting bad head aches at work ( I was in an office doing a lot of data entry) and my hands would go numb and tingle. I thought I had carpal tunnel from so many years typing. But when they closed the company and I opened a day care it didn’t get better in fact it got progressively worse until my whole left arm throbbed, my left shoulder dropped and my arm started to atrophy. Being left handed, that was a huge problem, plus I was in excruciating pain. The doctors tried everything, acupuncture, physio, massage, and nothing was working, I was told I just had to live with it. Then a friend told me about a chiropractor who was a life saver and in a last ditch effort to get some relief I went to see him and he performed a miracle, I walked out practically pain free after a year of not being able to even sleep in a bed because of the pain. I went years with only an occasional need to see him and then he retired. I found that if I did a lot of any kind of repetitious movement like using a hedge trimmer for any length of time, or painting over my head the next day my left hand would lose all feeling.

Then my neck went out again and I went to a sports clinic where they x-rayed my neck. They called me into the office, the therapist and a nurse and closed the door, they had very serious looks on their faces and the therapist cleared his throat and said, “I don’t know how to say this so I will just blurt it out. You have the neck of a 70 year old. No, I retract that……..I have never seen a neck as bad as yours even in a 70 year old. I want to make this very clear that if you ever have anyone else adjust your neck you insist they take x-rays because they could put you in a wheelchair”.

I guess what had happened is I had seriously injured my neck in the car accident but had so much muscle it held it in place, but when I stopped weight training and lost the muscle my damaged vertebra slid out of place and pinched off the nerves. He adjusted me and gave me this apparatus that I could put myself in traction and for years I have been just fine. I have to watch how much time I spend over the computer because the angle irritates my neck, another reason office work is out of the question for me, I love to landscape but when I did it as a job it was too much and my hands would be numb every morning, I have found that hauling scrap didn’t bother me probably because I lift with my  lower back and legs.

Well, for the last couple of months I have been getting pain behind my right shoulder blade that has progressively gotten worse and now if I move my head the wrong way I get shooting pain that takes my breath away and I can’t help but yelp in pain.

My girl friend, Grace has a friend who lives out of town and gave her a massage a while back that she raved about. I forget what that kind of massage is called but it is a healing massage, where they release the toxins from your body. I had a friend years ago that did it. Anyway she had told me he can tell if a person is sick and although he won’t tell them what is wrong with them he will suggest they see their doctor. She said she asked him if he could feel anything wrong with her and he had said no. She promised me the next time he was in town she would call me and last week about 11 pm I got a call saying he was there and if  I came right away he was willing to give me a massage and she was paying for it. No need to ask me twice, I was in the car in 5 minutes, I was in agony. Before he starts to massage he runs his hands lightly over your back to see if he can feel any vibrations indicating problem areas. The minute he touched my back he started going, OH!!, ohoh, oh! wow!

Grace was like, “What? what? you didn’t make those sounds when you did me”

Then the guy asked if I had been to the doctor for a check up lately and if I had been sick lately or had any problems. I said no aside from the pain in my right side. Then Grace piped up, “And a heart attack!!” he said that explained a lot. He asked if my ankles had been swollen and yes they have been very swollen, he said that is a sign my heart isn’t working to capacity, he told me to drink more water, gave me some vitamins to take, gave me an awesome massage (very painful!!!) and said he would stop on his way through in a week and give me a massage for free. I felt a lot better after the massage, I still had to watch how I held my head but the pain was not as bad. Then I borrowed the truck to do a job and the stuff was really heavy and I have been in major pain ever since. The truck didn’t have a winch and I had to muscle these big pieces onto the truck. I know it was stupid, but when you are broke and there’s no food in the house and you have called welfare and anyone else you can think of and no one can help you what do you do? You do what you have to, I am losing weight, I have to eat right, it is just a vicious cycle. I should be buying Ensure or something to try to get the nutrients into myself, I should be taking vitamins and heart meds but if you don’t have the money how do you buy them?

It is what it is and |I don’t have many options.

So then this weekend the owner of the cabin called to see if she could drop buy, I made her coffee and we were having a nice visit. I like her, we can talk very easily and she is so pleased that I love the cabin and take such good care of it. Finally she got around to spitting out why she was here. In order to get my name on title at the land registry and make the sale of the cabin legal I have to come up with 1% transfer tax, $1200 plus the notary public’s fee of $700, a total of $1900 in two weeks. It is not going to happen!!

So the conclusion to all this? I am supposed to not get stressed, put my feet up, not lift anything, eat better, and somehow live without working. Not a problem!!

What am I doing about it?

I am changing some things but this all takes time and time is not cooperating, it is still going by as fast as always.

I never intended to make money off of my blog, but then I never thought I would be putting as much time into it as I am. I could be putting a lot more time into it, proofreading comes to mind!! writing more articles etc, I find when I am working I can barely find the time to reply to comments. I love the interaction with everyone and the blog has become a huge part of my life, I don’t want to give it up so I figure its time to make it pay for itself. What is that saying, “Do what you love and the money will come”?

I am going to test that theory out.

I have decided to start selling advertising on my blog, I hate pop ups and I want everyone to let me know if it is a big pain in the ass for them but maybe I can sell a few spots that won’t interfere too much. From what I have found out I can ask about $100 a month for one ad space, if I had 3 that would be $300/month and as my viewership increases I can ask more.  I have shared inspirational videos here before and on facebook, I found out I can get paid every time I do that, it isn’t much but it all adds up and if it is something I believe in and already use why not get paid?

As you know I  opened another blog focussed on my painting, I have yet to figure how to get the PayPal button on my blog, that is a big thing if I want to sell anything. Working on that today.

I am going to contact a girl friend I have who owns an antique shop where she does custom décor work for high end clients and the movie industry. She does a lot of distressing, and she hunts for special pieces that people request, she has offered me work many times so I think I could work part time for her doing what I love and have an eye for. Also, she admits herself she is not a “people person” and really doesn’t like that part of her job, she wants to create not be bothered dealing with customers. I could fill that position for her and it might increase her sales enough to be viable for both of us, but I can always make myself useful helping out at the shop and setting up shows and things like that. \my truck would come in really handy too because right now she doesn’t have a delivery truck and has to hire a truck. Plus Ccon wants 30% off the top of what I bring through their gate, I could still haul a bit of scrap and keep them happy (or off my back) and not lose 1/3 of my income.

As for my health, which should be at the top of the list, but unfortunately money doesn’t buy happiness but it does buy food and put a roof over your head; I he

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ard from the guy who massaged my back last week and he is going to give me a free massage tonight and then |I am hoping my truck will be ready and I will be able to make enough money to refill my heart meds and go to the sports clinic and get my neck

adjusted again and replace the traction thing that somehow disappeared a few years ago and take it from there.

I don’t follow my horoscope religiously or anything but I do check it once in a while when things are in an upheaval, (which is quite often if you have noticed) but I thought my horoscope for the next little while was quite interesting. Here it is|:

Today. Assert your independence. You are reaching for an important goal and other people are getting in your way. Don’t let them. Act independently from others. Move forward without the hindrance of others. This is no time to be wearing a ball and chain.

For tomorrow. You might find yourself temporarily putting aside your usual tendency to push ahead without a glance backward. You could well reconsider ideas you’ve had in the past, seeing them in an entirely new light. Circumstances may force re-evaluation of your current job or lifestyle, or you could well contemplate making a move. Contact with a brother, sister, or neighbor may be restored – or such a person may seem to have changed radically. “Adjustment” is definitely the keyword for today.

This week. The planetary energy gives you the concrete desire to turn your most inspired thoughts into reality. If you see yourself as a long-distance runner but have never jogged a mile, run on down to the nearest sports equipment store and just look at the shoes – maybe have a conversation with the person in charge of that section of the store. Begin to help yourself feel comfortable in the areas you would like to grow into. Baby steps all the way, kid! Impress only yourself.

The Inevitable Happened

I don’t know how many of my followers noticed that I have received a couple of nasty comments recently; one from JC and then this morning one from a “Chuck”. I “spammed” JC’s right away and then regretted it because I thought his response was so typical of a narcissist I should have left it. I went into my spam to “unspam” it but using the small screen of my phone I accidentally permanently deleted it. Oops

Basically what it said was that I am a lying bitch, he called you all my “minions”; which I had to laugh about because he was always saying he needed minions.
He said that reading my blog made him * feel ……….. well ….everything but mostly sad. *his words.

He also said this (my blog) was unproductive. I beg to differ; anytime a blog receives daily comments such as:
Thank God I found this site, you literally saved my life.
Or
You are a God send, now I know I am not crazy.
It can not be called “unproductive”.

He also called you all F%*#ing Lemmings and said you should be ashamed of yourselves. So everyone hang your head in shame.

He also told me to never contact him again, he made that perfectly clear in his letter to me when he bought me the computer cord I said I needed. It appears that computer cord was supposed to absolve him of any wrong doing in the past and he feels I didn’t mention it in my blog so he mentioned it to show you all what a nice guy he is. He used to say to me that he didn’t understand why my family hated him; I must have told them horrible things about him. He would say, “Do you ever tell them the nice things I do? No!!”. In fact I went out of my way to mention everything he ever did nice; exaggerated it even in hopes my family would like him and I avoided saying anything at all bad about him. But they weren’t blind and could see the abuse with their own eyes.

Today the comment from Chuck said that he knew us and said that he was there for several of the events I have discussed and I am lying and he called me a “c&*t”. I only know one Chuck and he used to come over when JC was God knows where and we would compare the lies JC had told each of us and get to the truth. We used to laugh about it together. He mentioned in the comment that I had talked him into taking JC’s money twice. Chuck and I did a job for JC and got paid $15 or something ridiculous like that, we worked hours in sun. JC had me do up an invoice for the customer, I forget how much it was for now I think a couple hundred bucks. Almost a year later he still had the invoice in his truck. He had told me to get out but refused to give me any money to leave or let me take anything out of the house. I talked to Chuck and told him I was going to invoice the customer myself again and mail it. I told him that if he let me use his address as the return address I would split the money with him 50/50; which is exactly what we did. One time!
I did leave but went back; and have never heard the end of it since. That was 12 years ago. So I believe “Chuck” is actually JC especially since he called me by the pet name he had for me. Not just every one calls me a “C&%#”. 🙂

My first reaction when I saw JC’s comment was guilt. It was my words that made him sad,but the more I thought about it (about 3.5 mins) I came to the conclusion that if JC was sad it was not my words but his actions that caused the sadness. But he is not sad, he is angry because I am not in a corner some where quietly licking my wounds grieving the loss of him.
He is not sorry for the way he treated me, he is not sad that he had a 10 year relationship with a woman who loved him unconditionally and she came away from it suicidal, destitute, and a shell of the person she used to be. If I knew that I had hurt someone that badly I would do everything within my power to make amends. But that is me, that is anyone with a conscience and a caring heart. But we wouldn’t be having this discussion if JC had either of those two things because he never would have abused me to begin with.

My 2nd response was fear; what would he do? I don’t know ( so if I die suddenly I am not suicidal ok?)

Then I reached my present state of mind.

I started this blog simply as a way to promote my company; I heard the best way to build business is by having a web site. But I couldn’t think of anything but the all consuming pain I was in. I spent days sitting on the couch, crying, staring into space, unable to read a book, watch tv, eat, work, I was barely able to breath.

When I attempted suicide I didn’t write any good bye letters, I didn’t make any last minute phone calls telling someone what I had done. The only thing I did was; at about 10 pm after I crawled outside to let Kato take a pee and could barely see to type I sent JC a text message asking him to come and get Kato about 10 am the next day because I had taken an overdose and Kato would need to pee.

JC never called, never called a friend or my mother to check on me, didn’t take the 5 minutes to call 911 and give them my address. When I came to the next day and realized I hadn’t succeeded I would have tried again but didn’t have any money to buy more pills. A mutual friend dropped by and said he had just had a call from JC asking him to go for coffee but he decided to come see me instead. JC was 10 minutes away from my place, knew our friend was going over to my place and never asked about me.
As if that wasn’t bad enough he still toyed with my emotions and led me on for another month until he moved in with his present conquest. And when I was upset he had told me he loved me on Wed and moved into her place on Thurs he chose to deal with it by telling me to kill myself because no man would ever want a psycho bitch like me.

There I was; alone; all alone, ashamed, beaten down, no one who understood, no way to support myself, at 52 years old a broken woman. The man I loved with all my being, who only a month prior had said, “You know us Babe, we always end up together, I don’t know why you get so upset.” knowing I was suicidal taunted me to kill myself. It was a defining moment; I had to choose to either live without him or die. I had more pills by that time and I sat there for hours looking at them, thinking, “If I can be reduced to this, a strong capable self sufficient attractive woman; what would it do to a young less confident woman?”

It was then that I decided to share my story in hopes that if there was some woman out there thinking she was crazy she would find some comfort in my sharing. I put as much information together as I could find, it gave me a purpose and it helped me heal and most of all it made me accountable. I was telling the world I was choosing to live, I couldn’t give up once I put it out there.

I had no idea what I was going to say, I was raw emotion some days, I was up but mostly down and then I got some followers, Tik Tok and Mysterycoach were two of my first and saw me through some of my worst times. Thank God they were there!!

The last, say 6 months or so this blog has taken on a life of its own. It is no longer “my” blog, it is where survivors of abuse meet up and share the road to recovery helping each other when one stumbles, encouraging, crying, praying, and most of all feeling free to speak about their experiences knowing they won’t be judged, ridiculed or told they shouldn’t feel the way they do. People come here and hear, “I understand, I have been there,” “OMG your relationship was just like mine”. I have received so much support, and yes good strokes from the people who have stopped by; I don’t know how I would have made it through til now without it.

To date I have somewhere around 200 followers and have had 42,200 hits give or take a hundred. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think it would grow like that. I am getting over 500 hits a day. That is alot of pain out there, and I am so gratified to be able to provide some light, some hope. I can honestly say something good came out of my pain, that out of a relationship filled with dishonesty, manipulation, and evil intentions something honest and positive grew.

I thought about closing down the site but I can’t, I would rather die than allow JC to intimidate me into anything every again especially something that is helping people heal from people like him.

I was going to change my settings so that every comment has to be approved before it is posted but that would defeat what we have going on here. People come here to share or give words of encouragement and it is posted immediately. I don’t want people who need support to have to wait, what good is that?

I have wanted to do a post thanking everyone for their patience because doing this all on my phone and not having the net where I live has meant  I am slow replying. I hate not being able to give it my best but right now this is my best.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart, you brighten my corner of the world more than you know.
Carrie

Oh So Ya Wanna Hear?

Well, last Saturday was a pretty shitty day all in all. I was going to do the flea market. (I found these really cool clothing display racks behind the mall in Langley, I would put a picture if my camera worked on my new phone, but that’s another issue and I’m already juggling 2 and not even done the first paragraph! Any way that’s where I met Tyler, a homeless guy that I disrupted when I went to look at these racks. Nice young fellow, been on the streets since he was about 13, he’s 21 now. But I’ll give him his own post later.)

Where was I? Oh right, the clothing display racks that fold up so neat, perfect for someone who sells clothes at the flea market. So I was loading them and other stuff for the flea market Saturday and I got a call from a guy who saw my ad selling my other truck, the 91 GMC. He knows the truck from seeing me at Amix, he has cash and he wants to buy it. So I spend my last $20 on fuel to get down to Surrey and he doesn’t show up. I didn’t have enough fuel to get home, hadn’t had a smoke since 9 in the morning cuz I was out and broke.

I made it to the flea market and every one is starting to pack up so I pulled right in beside an old friend who I just ran into last week after 6 years. Oh! Yeah! I wanted to talk to him because last weekend when I ran into him he had said there was an empty RV spot where he lives and I think I can get a fixer upper trailer for free. Another side issue I’ll discuss at another time.

Annyyyywaaaay, this guy walks up and asks if I am setting up to sell and I said no, I want to talk to my friend and see if he wants to buy one of these racks off me. He said how long are you going to be and I said I didn’t know; was there a problem?

He said if I was setting up to sell I had to pay $10, I said I wasn’t selling, every one is packing up.

My friend didn’t want the racks and neither did anyone else but a woman walked past and liked a big picture frame I had on the truck so I sold it to her for $10 and took the dogs for a long walk. When I got back there was a pizza box stuck on my windshield with a note written on it from that guy, saying I owed him $10 because I sold something. Oh for the love of God!  now my friend was upset because the guy came down on him about me selling something. Sheeeesh now I probably won’t get the RV site. Oh well.

I put the $10 into fuel for my truck and headed to Mission, I was going down the road where all the 2nd hand stores are and one was open, Belle’s, she’s been around forever and has a little bit of everything in her store. It is much too crowded for the clothing racks but I had a few old window frames, and an old typewriter she bought for $20.  I told the kids Momma’s got money!!!

I think they thought I said let’s go for a walk because they got up and were wagging their tails looking at me expectantly. I told them first Momma has to buy smokes. I pulled into a little plaza at the end of town, there’s a corner store and a liquor store there. I was going to back into my parking stall but there was a nice looking grey car with two men in it who had just left the liquor store leaving so I motioned for them to go ahead and I’d wait. I went in and bought myself 1 Mike’s Hard Lemonade and a pack of smokes and then took the puppies for a good long walk to the other end of town and back. Kato was dragging his butt at the end so I left him behind and got the truck. My phone was ringing but I was too busy getting Kato in the truck to answer and forgot to even check for a message. Then I got a text message that said……
Mysteryman- Just saw you at liquor store. You married? Attached?
Me – I’m single. I don’t remember seeing anyone at the liquor store.
MM – silver car, you were backing in, then I saw you walking. Anyway I liked what I saw! 🙂
Me – oh ok thank you walking:)
MM – Buy you a drink?
Me – That would be nice.
MM – xxxxxx Pub 9? Or somewhere else…..
Me – oh! You meant tonight! I have plans tonight.
MM – My name is xxxxxx and I never contacted anyone like this before. Very spur of the moment. Your number was on your door.

MM – Another time then?
Me – Hi xxxxxx lol sure you’ve never done this before that’s what they all say! Just kidding. I’ve never done been asked out like this before either. Another time would be great. Do you live locally?

MM – I do and usually quite shy Haha what’s your name Lady Witha Truck?
Me – Oh I thought you would have gotten that off the truck too. It’s Carrie.
MM – wasn’t looking much at the truck.
MM – what are you doing tonight? I know you got beer. So do I!
Me – I bought Mike’s and I’m going to a girlfriends to get silly.
MM – you already sound silly. Text me on your way home. We can have a drink under the stars. PS come home early!
Me – lol I don’t take orders well. Besides early is subjective.
MM – lol !! I like that. Try me anyway.
Two hours later.
MM – offer for beer under the stars still stands. Unless it rains. 🙂

I was at my g/f’s until almost 4 am. So of course I didn’t text him; doubt I would have even if I would have been early. I certainly wasn’t going to ditch my g/f for a drink with a stranger. (I wouldn’t ditch a g/f for any guy, that’s rude)

I was very complimented though. I haven’t heard from him since. The thing for him to have done was ask me out a day or two ahead. So I guess that’s that.

But it put a smile on my face and I think I must look ok in my skinny jeans. LOL. Maybe I still got it?