Tag Archives: Text Messaging

Is It Time For More Life Changes?

You know if it wasn’t so dang frustrating I would laugh, but |I am not quite there yet.  I keep telling myself that things happen for a reason and things will unfold as they should but I want things to unfold the way I want them too, I don’t want any more change right now, or at least change I have no control over. So get comfy, pour yourself another cup of coffee because this is going to take a while.

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Let me see, what all has happened lately? let me take it one issue at a time because there are so many this might get confusing.

#1 – I was able to pay my mortgage payment, the donations of $550 plus $200 from my baby brother meant I covered the $700 payment and was able to buy groceries. My cell phone didn’t get paid and my phone should be disconnected any day now.

#2 – Greg the owner of Ccon has agreed to pay for the repairs on my truck and add the cost to what I owe him bringing the grand total to about $4700, $3500 for the truck and approximately $1200 for repairs. and then I paid $700 in taxes and to transfer it into my name so this really great truck, a 1993, a twenty year old truck is now costing me $5500. Great!

#3 – It is now one full month my truck has been down and I have no idea when it will be ready. Last week I lost my biggest customer, BD/Valley Fuel Injection, I can’t blame them, they said they need someone with a reliable truck who will be there when they need a pick up. They have been more than patient and the straw that broke the camel’s back was two weeks ago they had a big bin of shavings that had to be picked up and I promised I would have a truck from Ccon come by for it asap. I called Ccon three times and they never showed up. Last week Greg let me borrow a Ccon truck to do a pick up after hours and that gave me $125 for groceries and fuel for my mom’s car, which I have been driving for 2 weeks while they are on holidays, I have to give it back this week. After text messaging Colin for 5 days and not getting any reply I just heard from him and they haven’t even gotten the parts for the truck yet, someone was driving to Langley to get them today. A month!! and they are just now getting the parts!! OH MY GOOD LORD!!

Colin – well, he is turning into a very typical narcissist. I am over him totally because I had my guard up with him and not allowed the relationship to go too far. Yes I was hurt and disappointed when he had that woman up in his suite and had set it up purposely for whatever reason. I don’t try to figure out why narcissists do what they do, it is a waste of energy, it never makes sense. He has been seeing the same woman and she has either moved in or damn close to it. She is rather smug about it but I laugh to myself because she’s next. If she only knew how many women have had that key to his place. My guess is that I was not available enough for him because I refused to stay the night and be there every night. I will never again sacrifice my alone time for a man, I love my place and my dogs and any man who wants to be part of my life has to fit in there somewhere. I also think he used me to hook Miss POF, using triangulation, he sets it up to discard me right in front of her, she feels special and he reels her in. tisk tisk women should never compete with each other over a man, if he expects women to fight over him he isn’t worth their time and they should both leave him and go have a drink and meet a real man. I think I mentioned that when I asked him to check my truck and tried to re-establish some sort of friendship between him and I because I really needed his help he tried to get me into bed, I asked him if Miss POF knew he was still trolling for casual sex. I got no reply but he also stopped answering my text messages or being co-operative about giving me info about my truck. I refuse to sleep with a man and prostitute myself because I don’t have money and he can help me. So I emailed Greg the owner and told him as briefly as possible what had been happening, that we had been involved, I found him with another woman and if I wanted help with my truck I was expected to be a friend with benefits and I was not prepared to do that. I told him it had been two weeks and my truck was still sitting in the same spot where it broke down. That is when he had it towed and said he would pay for the repairs. Then I borrowed the company truck and brought it back after hours and Colin was going to let me in the yard, I text messaged to make sure it was ok and he was very friendly and said he would be home to do that. I went back to loading the truck and my phone died. When I got there he had just gotten out of the shower and invited me up and I said no I would wait outside. I dropped off the truck and left. later when I charged my phone I got the messages he had sent me earlier telling me he was getting naked and going for a shower and that he was sitting naked having a beer. I guess I was supposed to go running up there and screw him because now I get no response when I inquire about my truck. For the love of Pete, these people are sick! you can’t win for losing with them. If you fall for them they will destroy you, use and abuse you and toss you away, if you don’t take the bait and refuse to play their game they make your life hell and make you pay for rejecting their advances. So I guess I have to bother Greg again about stuff that really shouldn’t be his problem, but what can I do?

My health, not good! kinda scary actually. I have lost at least 15 lbs, now I used to be anorexic so losing weight has always been a good thing, my view has always been that I could never be too skinny but I am too skinny. I have no boobs, I never had much to begin with but I literally have nothing now and I don’t look good. Everyone is noticing, (that I have lost weight, not that I don’t have boobs, well at least they haven’t said it out loud, “OMG where did your boobs go?” it’s all happened so suddenly, all in the last month.

My neck – About 25 years ago Kris and I were in a bad car accident, I had just picked him up from daycare and we were T-boned by a big lifted 4×4 pick up, it totalled my little one month old Nissan Sentra but Kris and I walked away from it intact. Aside from bruising from the seat belts and a bump on my head from hitting the door frame we were fine, or so we thought. I was seriously into body building at the time so the injury didn’t show up for another 10 years.

I had quit weight training and had noticed I was getting bad head aches at work ( I was in an office doing a lot of data entry) and my hands would go numb and tingle. I thought I had carpal tunnel from so many years typing. But when they closed the company and I opened a day care it didn’t get better in fact it got progressively worse until my whole left arm throbbed, my left shoulder dropped and my arm started to atrophy. Being left handed, that was a huge problem, plus I was in excruciating pain. The doctors tried everything, acupuncture, physio, massage, and nothing was working, I was told I just had to live with it. Then a friend told me about a chiropractor who was a life saver and in a last ditch effort to get some relief I went to see him and he performed a miracle, I walked out practically pain free after a year of not being able to even sleep in a bed because of the pain. I went years with only an occasional need to see him and then he retired. I found that if I did a lot of any kind of repetitious movement like using a hedge trimmer for any length of time, or painting over my head the next day my left hand would lose all feeling.

Then my neck went out again and I went to a sports clinic where they x-rayed my neck. They called me into the office, the therapist and a nurse and closed the door, they had very serious looks on their faces and the therapist cleared his throat and said, “I don’t know how to say this so I will just blurt it out. You have the neck of a 70 year old. No, I retract that……..I have never seen a neck as bad as yours even in a 70 year old. I want to make this very clear that if you ever have anyone else adjust your neck you insist they take x-rays because they could put you in a wheelchair”.

I guess what had happened is I had seriously injured my neck in the car accident but had so much muscle it held it in place, but when I stopped weight training and lost the muscle my damaged vertebra slid out of place and pinched off the nerves. He adjusted me and gave me this apparatus that I could put myself in traction and for years I have been just fine. I have to watch how much time I spend over the computer because the angle irritates my neck, another reason office work is out of the question for me, I love to landscape but when I did it as a job it was too much and my hands would be numb every morning, I have found that hauling scrap didn’t bother me probably because I lift with my  lower back and legs.

Well, for the last couple of months I have been getting pain behind my right shoulder blade that has progressively gotten worse and now if I move my head the wrong way I get shooting pain that takes my breath away and I can’t help but yelp in pain.

My girl friend, Grace has a friend who lives out of town and gave her a massage a while back that she raved about. I forget what that kind of massage is called but it is a healing massage, where they release the toxins from your body. I had a friend years ago that did it. Anyway she had told me he can tell if a person is sick and although he won’t tell them what is wrong with them he will suggest they see their doctor. She said she asked him if he could feel anything wrong with her and he had said no. She promised me the next time he was in town she would call me and last week about 11 pm I got a call saying he was there and if  I came right away he was willing to give me a massage and she was paying for it. No need to ask me twice, I was in the car in 5 minutes, I was in agony. Before he starts to massage he runs his hands lightly over your back to see if he can feel any vibrations indicating problem areas. The minute he touched my back he started going, OH!!, ohoh, oh! wow!

Grace was like, “What? what? you didn’t make those sounds when you did me”

Then the guy asked if I had been to the doctor for a check up lately and if I had been sick lately or had any problems. I said no aside from the pain in my right side. Then Grace piped up, “And a heart attack!!” he said that explained a lot. He asked if my ankles had been swollen and yes they have been very swollen, he said that is a sign my heart isn’t working to capacity, he told me to drink more water, gave me some vitamins to take, gave me an awesome massage (very painful!!!) and said he would stop on his way through in a week and give me a massage for free. I felt a lot better after the massage, I still had to watch how I held my head but the pain was not as bad. Then I borrowed the truck to do a job and the stuff was really heavy and I have been in major pain ever since. The truck didn’t have a winch and I had to muscle these big pieces onto the truck. I know it was stupid, but when you are broke and there’s no food in the house and you have called welfare and anyone else you can think of and no one can help you what do you do? You do what you have to, I am losing weight, I have to eat right, it is just a vicious cycle. I should be buying Ensure or something to try to get the nutrients into myself, I should be taking vitamins and heart meds but if you don’t have the money how do you buy them?

It is what it is and |I don’t have many options.

So then this weekend the owner of the cabin called to see if she could drop buy, I made her coffee and we were having a nice visit. I like her, we can talk very easily and she is so pleased that I love the cabin and take such good care of it. Finally she got around to spitting out why she was here. In order to get my name on title at the land registry and make the sale of the cabin legal I have to come up with 1% transfer tax, $1200 plus the notary public’s fee of $700, a total of $1900 in two weeks. It is not going to happen!!

So the conclusion to all this? I am supposed to not get stressed, put my feet up, not lift anything, eat better, and somehow live without working. Not a problem!!

What am I doing about it?

I am changing some things but this all takes time and time is not cooperating, it is still going by as fast as always.

I never intended to make money off of my blog, but then I never thought I would be putting as much time into it as I am. I could be putting a lot more time into it, proofreading comes to mind!! writing more articles etc, I find when I am working I can barely find the time to reply to comments. I love the interaction with everyone and the blog has become a huge part of my life, I don’t want to give it up so I figure its time to make it pay for itself. What is that saying, “Do what you love and the money will come”?

I am going to test that theory out.

I have decided to start selling advertising on my blog, I hate pop ups and I want everyone to let me know if it is a big pain in the ass for them but maybe I can sell a few spots that won’t interfere too much. From what I have found out I can ask about $100 a month for one ad space, if I had 3 that would be $300/month and as my viewership increases I can ask more.  I have shared inspirational videos here before and on facebook, I found out I can get paid every time I do that, it isn’t much but it all adds up and if it is something I believe in and already use why not get paid?

As you know I  opened another blog focussed on my painting, I have yet to figure how to get the PayPal button on my blog, that is a big thing if I want to sell anything. Working on that today.

I am going to contact a girl friend I have who owns an antique shop where she does custom décor work for high end clients and the movie industry. She does a lot of distressing, and she hunts for special pieces that people request, she has offered me work many times so I think I could work part time for her doing what I love and have an eye for. Also, she admits herself she is not a “people person” and really doesn’t like that part of her job, she wants to create not be bothered dealing with customers. I could fill that position for her and it might increase her sales enough to be viable for both of us, but I can always make myself useful helping out at the shop and setting up shows and things like that. \my truck would come in really handy too because right now she doesn’t have a delivery truck and has to hire a truck. Plus Ccon wants 30% off the top of what I bring through their gate, I could still haul a bit of scrap and keep them happy (or off my back) and not lose 1/3 of my income.

As for my health, which should be at the top of the list, but unfortunately money doesn’t buy happiness but it does buy food and put a roof over your head; I he

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ard from the guy who massaged my back last week and he is going to give me a free massage tonight and then |I am hoping my truck will be ready and I will be able to make enough money to refill my heart meds and go to the sports clinic and get my neck

adjusted again and replace the traction thing that somehow disappeared a few years ago and take it from there.

I don’t follow my horoscope religiously or anything but I do check it once in a while when things are in an upheaval, (which is quite often if you have noticed) but I thought my horoscope for the next little while was quite interesting. Here it is|:

Today. Assert your independence. You are reaching for an important goal and other people are getting in your way. Don’t let them. Act independently from others. Move forward without the hindrance of others. This is no time to be wearing a ball and chain.

For tomorrow. You might find yourself temporarily putting aside your usual tendency to push ahead without a glance backward. You could well reconsider ideas you’ve had in the past, seeing them in an entirely new light. Circumstances may force re-evaluation of your current job or lifestyle, or you could well contemplate making a move. Contact with a brother, sister, or neighbor may be restored – or such a person may seem to have changed radically. “Adjustment” is definitely the keyword for today.

This week. The planetary energy gives you the concrete desire to turn your most inspired thoughts into reality. If you see yourself as a long-distance runner but have never jogged a mile, run on down to the nearest sports equipment store and just look at the shoes – maybe have a conversation with the person in charge of that section of the store. Begin to help yourself feel comfortable in the areas you would like to grow into. Baby steps all the way, kid! Impress only yourself.

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The Inevitable Happened

I don’t know how many of my followers noticed that I have received a couple of nasty comments recently; one from JC and then this morning one from a “Chuck”. I “spammed” JC’s right away and then regretted it because I thought his response was so typical of a narcissist I should have left it. I went into my spam to “unspam” it but using the small screen of my phone I accidentally permanently deleted it. Oops

Basically what it said was that I am a lying bitch, he called you all my “minions”; which I had to laugh about because he was always saying he needed minions.
He said that reading my blog made him * feel ……….. well ….everything but mostly sad. *his words.

He also said this (my blog) was unproductive. I beg to differ; anytime a blog receives daily comments such as:
Thank God I found this site, you literally saved my life.
Or
You are a God send, now I know I am not crazy.
It can not be called “unproductive”.

He also called you all F%*#ing Lemmings and said you should be ashamed of yourselves. So everyone hang your head in shame.

He also told me to never contact him again, he made that perfectly clear in his letter to me when he bought me the computer cord I said I needed. It appears that computer cord was supposed to absolve him of any wrong doing in the past and he feels I didn’t mention it in my blog so he mentioned it to show you all what a nice guy he is. He used to say to me that he didn’t understand why my family hated him; I must have told them horrible things about him. He would say, “Do you ever tell them the nice things I do? No!!”. In fact I went out of my way to mention everything he ever did nice; exaggerated it even in hopes my family would like him and I avoided saying anything at all bad about him. But they weren’t blind and could see the abuse with their own eyes.

Today the comment from Chuck said that he knew us and said that he was there for several of the events I have discussed and I am lying and he called me a “c&*t”. I only know one Chuck and he used to come over when JC was God knows where and we would compare the lies JC had told each of us and get to the truth. We used to laugh about it together. He mentioned in the comment that I had talked him into taking JC’s money twice. Chuck and I did a job for JC and got paid $15 or something ridiculous like that, we worked hours in sun. JC had me do up an invoice for the customer, I forget how much it was for now I think a couple hundred bucks. Almost a year later he still had the invoice in his truck. He had told me to get out but refused to give me any money to leave or let me take anything out of the house. I talked to Chuck and told him I was going to invoice the customer myself again and mail it. I told him that if he let me use his address as the return address I would split the money with him 50/50; which is exactly what we did. One time!
I did leave but went back; and have never heard the end of it since. That was 12 years ago. So I believe “Chuck” is actually JC especially since he called me by the pet name he had for me. Not just every one calls me a “C&%#”. 🙂

My first reaction when I saw JC’s comment was guilt. It was my words that made him sad,but the more I thought about it (about 3.5 mins) I came to the conclusion that if JC was sad it was not my words but his actions that caused the sadness. But he is not sad, he is angry because I am not in a corner some where quietly licking my wounds grieving the loss of him.
He is not sorry for the way he treated me, he is not sad that he had a 10 year relationship with a woman who loved him unconditionally and she came away from it suicidal, destitute, and a shell of the person she used to be. If I knew that I had hurt someone that badly I would do everything within my power to make amends. But that is me, that is anyone with a conscience and a caring heart. But we wouldn’t be having this discussion if JC had either of those two things because he never would have abused me to begin with.

My 2nd response was fear; what would he do? I don’t know ( so if I die suddenly I am not suicidal ok?)

Then I reached my present state of mind.

I started this blog simply as a way to promote my company; I heard the best way to build business is by having a web site. But I couldn’t think of anything but the all consuming pain I was in. I spent days sitting on the couch, crying, staring into space, unable to read a book, watch tv, eat, work, I was barely able to breath.

When I attempted suicide I didn’t write any good bye letters, I didn’t make any last minute phone calls telling someone what I had done. The only thing I did was; at about 10 pm after I crawled outside to let Kato take a pee and could barely see to type I sent JC a text message asking him to come and get Kato about 10 am the next day because I had taken an overdose and Kato would need to pee.

JC never called, never called a friend or my mother to check on me, didn’t take the 5 minutes to call 911 and give them my address. When I came to the next day and realized I hadn’t succeeded I would have tried again but didn’t have any money to buy more pills. A mutual friend dropped by and said he had just had a call from JC asking him to go for coffee but he decided to come see me instead. JC was 10 minutes away from my place, knew our friend was going over to my place and never asked about me.
As if that wasn’t bad enough he still toyed with my emotions and led me on for another month until he moved in with his present conquest. And when I was upset he had told me he loved me on Wed and moved into her place on Thurs he chose to deal with it by telling me to kill myself because no man would ever want a psycho bitch like me.

There I was; alone; all alone, ashamed, beaten down, no one who understood, no way to support myself, at 52 years old a broken woman. The man I loved with all my being, who only a month prior had said, “You know us Babe, we always end up together, I don’t know why you get so upset.” knowing I was suicidal taunted me to kill myself. It was a defining moment; I had to choose to either live without him or die. I had more pills by that time and I sat there for hours looking at them, thinking, “If I can be reduced to this, a strong capable self sufficient attractive woman; what would it do to a young less confident woman?”

It was then that I decided to share my story in hopes that if there was some woman out there thinking she was crazy she would find some comfort in my sharing. I put as much information together as I could find, it gave me a purpose and it helped me heal and most of all it made me accountable. I was telling the world I was choosing to live, I couldn’t give up once I put it out there.

I had no idea what I was going to say, I was raw emotion some days, I was up but mostly down and then I got some followers, Tik Tok and Mysterycoach were two of my first and saw me through some of my worst times. Thank God they were there!!

The last, say 6 months or so this blog has taken on a life of its own. It is no longer “my” blog, it is where survivors of abuse meet up and share the road to recovery helping each other when one stumbles, encouraging, crying, praying, and most of all feeling free to speak about their experiences knowing they won’t be judged, ridiculed or told they shouldn’t feel the way they do. People come here and hear, “I understand, I have been there,” “OMG your relationship was just like mine”. I have received so much support, and yes good strokes from the people who have stopped by; I don’t know how I would have made it through til now without it.

To date I have somewhere around 200 followers and have had 42,200 hits give or take a hundred. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think it would grow like that. I am getting over 500 hits a day. That is alot of pain out there, and I am so gratified to be able to provide some light, some hope. I can honestly say something good came out of my pain, that out of a relationship filled with dishonesty, manipulation, and evil intentions something honest and positive grew.

I thought about closing down the site but I can’t, I would rather die than allow JC to intimidate me into anything every again especially something that is helping people heal from people like him.

I was going to change my settings so that every comment has to be approved before it is posted but that would defeat what we have going on here. People come here to share or give words of encouragement and it is posted immediately. I don’t want people who need support to have to wait, what good is that?

I have wanted to do a post thanking everyone for their patience because doing this all on my phone and not having the net where I live has meant  I am slow replying. I hate not being able to give it my best but right now this is my best.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart, you brighten my corner of the world more than you know.
Carrie

Oh So Ya Wanna Hear?

Well, last Saturday was a pretty shitty day all in all. I was going to do the flea market. (I found these really cool clothing display racks behind the mall in Langley, I would put a picture if my camera worked on my new phone, but that’s another issue and I’m already juggling 2 and not even done the first paragraph! Any way that’s where I met Tyler, a homeless guy that I disrupted when I went to look at these racks. Nice young fellow, been on the streets since he was about 13, he’s 21 now. But I’ll give him his own post later.)

Where was I? Oh right, the clothing display racks that fold up so neat, perfect for someone who sells clothes at the flea market. So I was loading them and other stuff for the flea market Saturday and I got a call from a guy who saw my ad selling my other truck, the 91 GMC. He knows the truck from seeing me at Amix, he has cash and he wants to buy it. So I spend my last $20 on fuel to get down to Surrey and he doesn’t show up. I didn’t have enough fuel to get home, hadn’t had a smoke since 9 in the morning cuz I was out and broke.

I made it to the flea market and every one is starting to pack up so I pulled right in beside an old friend who I just ran into last week after 6 years. Oh! Yeah! I wanted to talk to him because last weekend when I ran into him he had said there was an empty RV spot where he lives and I think I can get a fixer upper trailer for free. Another side issue I’ll discuss at another time.

Annyyyywaaaay, this guy walks up and asks if I am setting up to sell and I said no, I want to talk to my friend and see if he wants to buy one of these racks off me. He said how long are you going to be and I said I didn’t know; was there a problem?

He said if I was setting up to sell I had to pay $10, I said I wasn’t selling, every one is packing up.

My friend didn’t want the racks and neither did anyone else but a woman walked past and liked a big picture frame I had on the truck so I sold it to her for $10 and took the dogs for a long walk. When I got back there was a pizza box stuck on my windshield with a note written on it from that guy, saying I owed him $10 because I sold something. Oh for the love of God!  now my friend was upset because the guy came down on him about me selling something. Sheeeesh now I probably won’t get the RV site. Oh well.

I put the $10 into fuel for my truck and headed to Mission, I was going down the road where all the 2nd hand stores are and one was open, Belle’s, she’s been around forever and has a little bit of everything in her store. It is much too crowded for the clothing racks but I had a few old window frames, and an old typewriter she bought for $20.  I told the kids Momma’s got money!!!

I think they thought I said let’s go for a walk because they got up and were wagging their tails looking at me expectantly. I told them first Momma has to buy smokes. I pulled into a little plaza at the end of town, there’s a corner store and a liquor store there. I was going to back into my parking stall but there was a nice looking grey car with two men in it who had just left the liquor store leaving so I motioned for them to go ahead and I’d wait. I went in and bought myself 1 Mike’s Hard Lemonade and a pack of smokes and then took the puppies for a good long walk to the other end of town and back. Kato was dragging his butt at the end so I left him behind and got the truck. My phone was ringing but I was too busy getting Kato in the truck to answer and forgot to even check for a message. Then I got a text message that said……
Mysteryman- Just saw you at liquor store. You married? Attached?
Me – I’m single. I don’t remember seeing anyone at the liquor store.
MM – silver car, you were backing in, then I saw you walking. Anyway I liked what I saw! 🙂
Me – oh ok thank you walking:)
MM – Buy you a drink?
Me – That would be nice.
MM – xxxxxx Pub 9? Or somewhere else…..
Me – oh! You meant tonight! I have plans tonight.
MM – My name is xxxxxx and I never contacted anyone like this before. Very spur of the moment. Your number was on your door.

MM – Another time then?
Me – Hi xxxxxx lol sure you’ve never done this before that’s what they all say! Just kidding. I’ve never done been asked out like this before either. Another time would be great. Do you live locally?

MM – I do and usually quite shy Haha what’s your name Lady Witha Truck?
Me – Oh I thought you would have gotten that off the truck too. It’s Carrie.
MM – wasn’t looking much at the truck.
MM – what are you doing tonight? I know you got beer. So do I!
Me – I bought Mike’s and I’m going to a girlfriends to get silly.
MM – you already sound silly. Text me on your way home. We can have a drink under the stars. PS come home early!
Me – lol I don’t take orders well. Besides early is subjective.
MM – lol !! I like that. Try me anyway.
Two hours later.
MM – offer for beer under the stars still stands. Unless it rains. 🙂

I was at my g/f’s until almost 4 am. So of course I didn’t text him; doubt I would have even if I would have been early. I certainly wasn’t going to ditch my g/f for a drink with a stranger. (I wouldn’t ditch a g/f for any guy, that’s rude)

I was very complimented though. I haven’t heard from him since. The thing for him to have done was ask me out a day or two ahead. So I guess that’s that.

But it put a smile on my face and I think I must look ok in my skinny jeans. LOL. Maybe I still got it?

Ok I have ragged on and made fun of JC enough now, I think I got it out of my system. But it did make me feel better to remind myself why I don’t want him back, why I am better off and that he hasn’t had a miraculous healing and turned into the man he pretended to be. If I had been honest and thinking with my rational, logical mind, I would have left about 4 months into the relationship and saved myself 9.6 years of misery. But looking in the rear view mirror makes it hard to go forward (I made that up myself :)) and that is what I have to do. That doesn’t mean I am “over” him, well I suppose that depends on your definition of “over”. It is going to take a long time to recover from him, but I am over him and his lying ass.

The one thing we all have to remember, we as in; the victims of narcissist/psychopath abuse is; people don’t change a hell of a lot and no one, not you, not me and not the OW can fix a narcissist/psychopath. I am not talking about your run of the mill adulterer or miserable a-hole, I am talking about the pathological liar, porn addicted, cheater who raped your soul and kicked you while you lay there bleeding wondering what the hell happened. He is not going to change. A person can have addiction issues, they can control the addiction, some times on their own but more than likely with the help of rehab, counseling, or a support group such as AA, or SA. A person can have an affair and never have one again (though statistics prove the odds of them doing it again are high), a person can tell a little white lie or a big lie for that matter and not be a narcissist, but when they lie to you from day one about major things and they have done it their whole life, the odds of them stopping are pretty slim. If they have hit every woman they have ever been with they will hit the next woman too; and if they are ALL those things they are a narcissist and you are supposed to run away!! They like to make it sound like we drive them to behave the way they do, no one has that kind of power over someone else. I have to remind myself of these things often. A person can change something about themselves (usually with help) but they can’t change everything about themselves and maintain it; they never have and they aren’t going to now with the new woman. He lied and put on a good front for you and he is for her too but even IF he did change, I could never go back now so I might as well move on best I can. That being said:

My situation hasn’t changed at all but I am feeling a bit of the old Carrie peeking through once in a while. I am starting to appreciate what I do have and as of Thursday I have paid my storage for another month and paid my truck insurance for another month and only have my cell phone yet to pay.

Something else hit my windshield and left a huge spider web right in my line of vision so a new windshield is definitely top on my To-Do List. I have been given some ideas on what to look for with my truck running rough and I am going to buy a Haynes Manual for a 1991 GMC and figure out how to change my own U-joints.

A customer pointed out yesterday that I’ve lost a muffler clamp so that would account for some of the rattling; it should be an easy fix.

I find I start getting chest pains as soon as I head home so I think I am having anxiety attacks and not necessarily heart attacks.

I had that great chat with that fellow the other day when I went to see where the road went and then Wednesday got hugs from Fred and Maria and that helped with my outlook. As always the gang at Amix always puts a smile on my face. I didn’t make it into Amix yesterday, I wasn’t feeling great, chest pain wise and had a hard time getting moving so I did a few local pickups. It’s been Spring Clean Up in Mission this last week and I haven’t gone out looking at all so decided I’d take a cruise around and see what I could get. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. It was one of those days when people were really friendly, maybe I looked more approachable? Who knows, but it’s the kind of thing that grows, you know? You smile, they smile back, you both feel better so you smile at the next person and they smile at the next person and by the end of the day there are a bunch of people thinking; “Gee I had a good day, people were so friendly”.

I probably timed it right too, I went around just after supper time when people were putting their stuff out to the curb for garbage day and there weren’t many scrap haulers out yet or they’d gone home for supper.

You see different areas have different pick up days, during Spring Clean Up many people will put their garbage out early in the week and that is what guys have been picking up all week, but there are still the few that wait until their pick up day and those are the ones I got. I had one lady yell after me that they were bringing out another battery and more metal and to come back. I turned around and probably chatted with them for 15 minutes. Another guy called me over and had some checker plate aluminum and we chatted a while. I talked to a couple of women who were just out “shopping” for whatever they could find. The dogs are always attention getters and conversation starters.

I got some good stuff for the flea market and almost a full load of scrap. I still got home in the day light which was nice because I am always so nervous when I get home in the dark. I had picked up some purple mini Christmas lights in my travels and decided to string them up along the trailer so now when I get home late I just have to plug them in and it won’t be so scary.

That sort of scares me in itself because it means I am adapting, adapting means getting comfortable and I don’t want to get comfortable living here.

I have been trying to figure out why I have been so upset and I know part of it is wishing my family was different, but they are what they are and nothing has changed in 54 years so I doubt anything is going to change now. I think part of the problem is that I was always so stable, reliable, self-sufficient and predictable. I was who everyone came to when their world fell apart. When my mom and dad split after 30 yrs my mom arrived on my doorstep, literally. She even moved into a place 5 doors down from me, for a year when I said grandma was coming over my son who was 2 at the time would run in the bathroom and grab a roll of toilet paper because he knew grandma would be crying. For a year I didn’t have a date come over without my mom being there, she even lived with me for about a month until I finally said “If you don’t go I will.”

My brother, 9 years younger than me had a second mom in me. I think I worried more than my mom did. He forgets how many times I brought him food, lent him money, cleaned up after one of his parties, gave him a vehicle to drive, and generally was “just there” through some pretty rough times when my mom “couldn’t handle it”. There has never been a time I didn’t have time for my family. There are 3 of us that’s it, so I’ve always thought we had to stick together.

For some reason being homeless has always been a big fear of mine; having nightmares about it type fear. I used to pray that God would keep a roof over my head until Kris was out of the house and then I didn’t care what happened. I should have been more careful about what I prayed for because it was about the time Kris moved out that I got involved with JC and have struggled to not be homeless since. While with JC, homelessness was horrifying and traumatic but I could adapt better because I was with him, I didn’t have to do it all alone, I was reliant on him, he was in control.

Before Kris moved out and before homelessness was an actual possibility I used to tell myself that I had enough equity, enough credit, enough RRSP’s, and enough work experience I would never be homeless and IF by some fluke I did end up homeless my mother would never let me live on the streets, she would take me in until I got on my feet again. It was really hard to take when I found out I was wrong on all counts.

I doubt anyone wants to be homeless, but some people care where they live more than others. I am one of the people who need a home; I need a place I go home to, my little safe haven. It doesn’t have to be fancy, I will work my ass off making it a home, but I need a home. I need a place where I can walk through the door, sigh, pour a hot bath, put on my jammy’s and curl up on the couch.

I need dirt to dig in and gardens to putz in; I am missing my gardens big time right now. Now is when I would be weeding and checking to see how all my plants fared through the winter, I’d be marveling at the sprouts breaking through the dirt and thrilled to see who all survived the winter. I’d be separating bulbs and rearranging plant locations for the ones that didn’t do so well where they were last year and planning where I would find room for new additions and where I could dig up another patch of sod and plant more flowers. I’d have my gardening books out and pouring over them planning a water garden or shade garden, picking out some new feature plant I have to have. I drove past my favorite nursery last night on the way home and the truck almost turned in all on its own. In spring I can rarely make it past without turning in and buying at least one plant. But I kept going, no dirt to dig in this year and oh do I miss it.

I miss cooking dinner for friends and family. I used to do that a lot, everyone raved about my cooking and baking; then for years JC and I didn’t have a kitchen. All my recipe books were stolen (along with all my other stuff they didn’t just take the books), you know all those tried and true recipes you collect over the years that you know by heart but still need the recipe as a reminder.

I had a realtor friend who used to say he loved selling my houses because no matter where I lived I made it feel homey and welcoming, he said he never had to “sell” my homes they sold themselves. That’s because I love home, I love pulling up to my house and seeing my gardens and walking through the door and being “home”. I love my son to be able to come “home”. I was “homemaker extraordinaire” at work they teased me about being a “Martha Stewart wannabe” and my middle name is Sue so I was used to the “Suzy Homemaker” label. Home is what I was all about and it has been a long time since I felt I was “home”.

I have talked before about my mom and step dad selling my trailer. It was one of the most hurtful things I have experienced and I am not able to let it go, I think I have and then I find myself feeling resentful over it and I really don’t know how to deal with it. My mom and I didn’t talk for 2 years and my step dad still won’t talk to me. Mom and I talked and I told her how I felt and she didn’t seem to understand why I had been so upset but I said my piece and I thought I could just let it go now. What’s done is done and as it turns out they are closing the park and I would have had to move eventually anyway. But it wouldn’t have been my own family putting me out and that is the difference, plus they have helped out my brother, and my step dad’s daughter and son and no one else had to give back what they got and besides I wasn’t “given” anything I was paying it back with interest.

When they decided to sell they said they should never have done it to begin with, help me that is, that they should have let me stand on my own two feet (which I had done for many years). In my mind once you make a commitment you don’t just back out of it 6 months later and say ooops, shouldn’ta done that, get out and then take an 8 week vacation because it was a prior commitment. I loved that trailer and I loved having a home, I did Christmas dinner even though I knew I had to move and it was great to have a houseful of people again. I was devastated to have to move.

I don’t want to be bitter I don’t want to hold a grudge. I think more than anything it wasn’t even what was done as much as how it was done. They told me in late November they were going to sell the trailer, JC had been in Red Deer for 2 months and we had not talked at all. JC called me the beginning of December and told me the middle of December he had been given 6 months to live and asked to come and talk to me. I knew at the time of his first phone call I was having to move but didn’t say anything because I didn’t want him to think I was needy.

When he told me he only had 6 months to live and wanted us to try again I thought maybe it was a sign that it was supposed to be, I was losing the trailer he wanted me back. what did I have to lose? The man I had loved for 8 years was making all sorts of promises and saying things I had longed to hear for 7 years so I agreed to try again.

I am 95% certain (never say never) that had I not had to move I would have jeopardized my home and gone back to JC. But my mom and step dad told everyone they sold the trailer because I went back to JC.

Even if that had been the reason they sold it I still think they would have been wrong to do it. the trailer was in my mom and my name so he couldn’t have touched it and I would have had a secure safe place to live and not been at his mercy for 2 years and would not be in the financial mess I am in now.

I am not blaming them for my situation I am a big girl and I made the choice to go back. In my opinion, as a person who’s been there; you should never pull your support from a woman you think is involved with an abusive man. If there was one thing I would advise people with a loved one in an abusive relationship; it would be:

If you care about them at all, do not let the victim feel they have no where to go or that no one cares; you might as well hand her over on a silver platter to the abuser because you are giving him exactly what he wants………total control over her.

Like I said I have been having chest pains this week and stayed home from work on Monday because of it. Monday night about 10 the pains weren’t any better if anything they had gotten a bit worse so I sent my mom an email saying that I wasn’t feeling well and if she didn’t hear from me by noon the next day maybe she should send someone to check on me. I hit send not knowing when it would send because of my sporadic service up here. I got up at 7:30 am feeling better enough to try working and emailed saying as much but of course it didn’t send right away. Then I got service and I could hear the notification of a bunch of emails coming in, I check and one is from my mom sent at 8 am asking if I am ok and then there is one scathing one from my brother who also sent it via text message to make sure I didn’t miss it.

It said, “WTF, are you trying to put mom in an early grave? How would you feel to get a message from your kid like that? (I replied I had gotten worse and rushed off to Kelowna to be with him) Get to the fucking hospital. Park the truck and tell me where it is and I will take care of the dogs as soon as I can. Email me if you are lying on the floor. If I don’t hear from you I’ll have to come out to stop mom from coming.”

Far from loving in my estimation, and I haven’t heard another word from either of them since. From my point of view; if I go the hospital I will be in there for a week, that means no money for a week and no one is going to pay my bills for me, I live 45 minutes to an hour from the hospital and didn’t want to load up the dogs and drive all that way by myself, I didn’t have phone reception. But I didn’t want to croak and lay up here for a week or more until someone got concerned and came to check on me. I did say to not worry until noon. If I would have driven to the hospital would no one tell my mother? Of course they would and like she said the last time I had my heart attack, “You know we can’t keep doing this, your brother isn’t going to be able to take the dogs every time you have a heart attack and every one has their own lives to lead.”

I guess I’ll find someone else to check on me. I am not going to air my brother’s dirty laundry on here but believe me he is no one to talk about poor choices. My mother is not ill either btw, she just can’t deal with trauma and I should know that; my mother prefers to live her life with the philosophy of “what I can’t see won’t hurt me” and keep her head firmly planted in the sand.

So thinking about all these things I have made a “To Do” list and this is what it consists of:
Organize and make an inventory list of all the stuff for the flea market. I have become friendly with a fellow at the auction house and he goes up to Yale (about an hour away and on a main tourist route) and makes $700 or more a weekend selling. He is going to help me learn the ropes of buying and selling at flea markets and such which is something I have always had an interest in and could be lucrative. I hope to go the long weekend in May.
Which bring me to the next thing on my list, get the truck running properly even if it means doing it myself. I have talked to a local guy and he is always around and will give me help if I get really stuck, besides if worse comes to worse I will go down to the local (only) store, restaurant, gas station, & meeting hall around coffee time and recruit myself a good old boy to help me.
Which leads to another fellow I ran into Wednesday. He hauls scrap out of Whistler/Squamish area and he has told me before I should go up there; there’s lots of scrap around. But it is a good couple of hours from here and my truck has to be runnig well. He offered to take me up with him one day and introduce me to some people and kind of show me around which I would be very grateful for. I gave him my card and he said he’d call me.
Finish getting my teeth fixed. I have been so traumatized from the last appointment I haven’t been back but I have to just do it.
Start painting again. I enjoy it, it’s relaxing, it has made me money in the past and can again, maybe in Yale if I can paint some touristy type things that I won’t have to charge much for, I’ve got a few ideas and will post pictures when I get some done.
Get out of the house sooner in the day and get home earlier.
Make the place a little more welcoming and livable, as much as I don’t want to get too settled or settle for living a life I don’t want to live, being unhappy about coming home is not helping my state of mind. I have to “cheer” the place up a bit.
Get my finances in order, I haven’t filed taxes since 2006 for several reasons but I don’t have an excuse now so I have started entering my receipts into my accounting program and will file for all the back years. I should have some money coming back to me, even if only GST for all those years. This is a big job!!! But I’ve started that’s the first step.
Getting my finances in order is necessary if I want to apply for a government grant for assistance starting up “Ladies With Trucks”.

That is it for now. I have to lighten up on myself. I have been surviving, barely for the most part; because I just haven’t had the strength to do much else. I have tried to explain to my family how I feel, how absolutely drained physically and emotionally I am and yes it is my own fault like they say, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is the way I feel and I have to have time to recover. I haven’t had a moment to heal, to veg, to take a break and rejuvenate, I had to hit the ground running when I left JC, any down time I had was when the truck was broken down and I couldn’t work which was only more stress. My family wants me to “get over it” , “get my shit together” and “get back to normal”, “get a real job”, they “never liked JC”, they “always knew he was no good”, they “can’t understand why I stayed or went back”.

I have a blog, they all know about it, not one of them, including my son has ever read even one post. I know if it was my kid, brother, any one I loved and I knew they were going through something that I didn’t understand I would read their blog and learn what I could so I could understand. But that is me and I think right now it is healthier for me to not expect anything of them, I will do it on my own, with the help of many wonderful people around the world who give me words of encouragement, prayers, understanding and compassion and laughs too!! 🙂 Thank you all.

Love
Carrie

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

Moving-With No Where To Go

I am sitting in my truck with the two dogs asleep beside me; sun beating down warm on my face I hear a plane over head and children playing some where near by. It would be a very peaceful spring setting if not for the fact that I am stuck in mud and have been trying to get unstuck for the last hour.

I went to check out a place where they said I could put my trailer. They need someone to do yard work so it sounded promising. She told me to take the 2nd driveway, it looked muddy but she had said it was all on a bedrock of gravel. Not her driveway!!! I had some rubber mats in the back of the truck that I got at Home Depot. I was going to throw them away but good thing I didn’t. I put them down behind my wheels and eventually managed to work my way out of the mud going forward but now I can’t go back because I just get pulled into the mud again. I’ve tried digging out my ruts but it is no use.

I have SO had it! My “friend”/neighbour just text messaged me to drop off the house keys at the end of 2today. My mom emailed me this morning and said quote “I would like to take you for supper on your birthday or lunch whatever suits you maybe Mark can join us. We could meet in Langley anyway let me know and we’ll work something out. Hope you’re doing ok —Talk soon Love Mom‬”

I replied, “Lunch would be nice but I don’t know what my schedule is going to look like. And making money has to be my first priority. “B” is already text messaging that I am to drop off the key at the end of the day. “D” has been calling. I have to find a place to live”

And her reply was,
“‪‪Hi Carrie We’ll talk later in the week. Bye for now”

Even if I find a place I have no one to help me move. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I feel bad I didn’t work harder last year but I was trying to recover from the whole JC thing and so tired, drained, depressed and just barely able to pull myself out of bed same days. No one knows unless they’ve been there.

Then lending my kid money so he wouldn’t be homeless and he hasn’t and probably won’t pay me back. And I have to say that disappoints me.

I hate to say negative things about my family especially my kid because I would do anything for him but when I lent him the money I told him I HAD to have it back and he promised. Things didn’t go as he had planned and I ended up spending more money helping him but now he’s working. And yes he had to buy furniture and he’s got to pay child support and he needs to buy a car, I understand, it’s just now I look like the loser because I don’t have the money to move out.

I had ok’d it with the owner of the trailer that I could leave my furniture here if I couldn’t find a place in time. I thought if worse came to worse and I had to sleep in my truck I could at least go to the trailer to shower and change clothes but my “good friend” (that’s sarcasm) “B” wants the key because she has some friends moving in. I can leave my furniture and when I want it I can get the key back. WTF? Yeah I am going to leave all my stuff here for someone I don’t know to use it. Where am I supposed to keep dry clothes

‬i can’t talk about it. I am sick.

I did get unstuck, I eventually had to call “A” and he pulled me out. I won’t be moving there. There is no way I can put a mobile home in there. There ar mansions on both sides of this on dumpy house. The woman just wants to pay her mortgage by having people paying her $500 a month to park their RV there and I heard her neighbor bitching while I was sitting in my truck stuck.
I really don’t feel well. I’m going to try to sleep a couple of hours. Btw.

My blog was 1 year old on April 1st. I have had over 8100 hits. I turn 54 on April 5th.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck using WordPress for BlackBerry.

The Internet and the Narcissist

Like I said in a previous post that you can read here https://ladywithatruck.wordpress.com/2012/03/14/wife-kriss-mom-victim-survivor-lady-witha-truck-carrie/, I had quite an addiction to the internet for a period of time after my marriage broke up. So I understand the attraction of the internet and how it can take over your life. I also know that no healthy person in a good relationship is going to jeopardize their relationship by being on the net excessively.
Either they are unhappy in the relationship and seeking a diversion or they have other issues; like being a narcissist.

My marriage fell apart because my husband wasn’t very motivated to work because I was making good money running my day care. Unfortunately I had waited too long for him to get his ass motivated to work and I was having to sell MY house to pay off our debt and his that I had co-signed for him.

Lesson # 1 for dating later in life. Keeping the house in your name when you get with a man with nothing does not necessarily protect your home. If you co-sign debt you are responsible for that debt and if you can’t pay you lose your home.

My experiences on the net:

I was burying myself on the net because I couldn’t deal with what was happening in real life.

And I mean b.u.r.y.i.n.g.!! I barely came up for air.

I was addicted to chat rooms and flirting (not porn or xxx dating sites just boring over 40 chat rooms).

I also had some sexy young studly type fellow beep in on my ICQ that I was chatting to.

Eventually the fellow on ICQ wanted to meet, wanted me to fly to Nashville to meet him. He was a sexy fellow I must say, and he made it sound very tempting. He sent me gifts and mailed me beautiful love cards, called constantly and I was seriously considering going. But I wasn’t going to meet any man without checking him out and asked for his address and land line phone number and hired a company called 1-800-us search and found out the fellow didn’t exist. No such name, no such number and the address was in an undeveloped industrial area. When he called the next time I gave him an earful and said to take a flying leap. Of course he had all kinds of crazy explanations like he was in the witness protection program.
Seee yaaaaa!!!!

There were two other fellow I talked to regularly one was a lawyer in Wichita. We shared the cost of my flight out to Wichita and had an ok weekend together. He wasn’t nearly as good looking or witty in real life. He had a harem in the chat room and I almost hadn’t gone because I had been vocal in the room about meeting and the other women were jealous.

* Beware of men with harems!

Nothing bad happened while I was there. Interestingly enough he wasn’t at the air port when I landed and I had some panic but I called, woke him up and he came and got me. I was happy to leave in two days and we never chatted again.

The other fellow, Jim, was ex FBI. I said, “Yeah and I’m an international spy! And shoot bad guys with my umbrella and talk to people with my shoe”.

He didn’t think that was funny. He actually needed to do a security check on me before I came. I did my own investigating of his info and he checked out. He had recently retired and wanted to take a trip with a woman and wanted me to be that woman. I said I couldn’t afford it and he said, “Did I ask you if you can afford it? It is worth the money to have you come on a vacation with me, I don’t want to go alone.”

So he booked my flight to North Carolina and I flew out for a 2 week all expenses paid vacation with a man I’d never met. I had the time of my life!!! He indeed had worked for the FBI and had the commendations to prove it. We spent a few days in North Carolina and then drove down to New Orleans. Every day, every single day, I woke up and there would be $100 in my wallet. If I spent $50 one day the next day I would have $100 again. I have never had a man treat me so well. I never had to ask for money and he never made me feel I owed him. He didn’t make a big deal about it, just topped up my wallet every morning. We laughed, we saw the sights, I cooked supper for his friends and he treated me like a queen the whole time I was there.

In New Orleans we met a female friend from the chat room and the 3 of us did up New Orleans with style. An outside Beach Boys concert that had the 3 of us dancing til we dropped, my g/f insisted I eat all the southern fare like Po’boys, and Jumbalaya, we walked the French Quarter, listened to jazz bands, and watched the fireworks on July 4th. I didn’t want to go home and knew it was a relationship that would go no where; just a great vacation. A month later he and my g/f met for a weekend and that kinda cured me of long distance romance.

After that I joined POF and dated a few local guys, each one a disappointment in one way or another. There was the guy who I met at a local night club who weighed at least 150 lbs more than what he had told me. Nice guy, brought me gifts, (homemade jams) but I was anorexic, obese and me just don’t work; sorry. Nothing against over weight people; I just can not get past the weight. Its my problem; just like I can’t date a guy who weighs less than me and is shorted than me. I just can not handle feeling like I can pick a guy up or if I roll over in the night I might squash him.

So the next guy didn’t work either; he was a nice looking black guy and I mean BLACK! He was meeting me at my cabin at the lake. I had walked with my son to the lake and was walking back when the fellow called to say he was at my house. I was walking up the street and couldn’t see him, his car was there but he was no where to be seen. Then on my porch in the dark shadows I see him smile. If it weren’t for the white teeth I would have totally missed him. And he had that great Jamaican accent but when he came out of the shadows my hopes dropped. He was all of 5’5″ and I outweighed him by at least 30 lbs and I was skinny. We had a great day but I was honest up front, I gotta have a man at least my height and weight. Its my hang up about being heavy but I have dated guys shorter than me (seems short guys like tall women) and I have found that many short guys want a tall woman to show off and they can have a “short guy attitude”. I don’t mean to offend short men and more than likely I have not met any short men reading this so you could be totally different. I am speaking from my experiences only. So please don’t send me hate mail. Like I said it is my problem.

The next fellow was a psycho personified; we didn’t get past the first phone call. He called several times; constantly and wanted to come up to my place at 11 at night and when I said no he got angry and called me all sorts of names I can’t repeat and then kept calling alternating between being apologetic and making excuses(he’d just quit smoking) and hating my guts. I eventually blocked his number.

Then I met Ian, a long distance guy again but at least in my country. Good looking, had a great job as a city planner, my height and we had a lot in common. He flew out to meet me in November and arrived with half a dozen Christmas gifts; nice but a little too much too soon. I had really liked him on the phone but in person I don’t know; it just wasn’t there for me. He loved me already which was a bit unsettling and gave me that feeling in my gut that tells me; you don’t want to go there.

In between these guys I met guys who even once we had met in person still continued chatting on line with me. Or guys who only wanted to talk online and not phone. There were the guys who only called late at night and wanted to know what I was wearing and wanted me to touch myself and send pictures.

There was the great looking guy who swore him and his wife were separated but he only called in the middle of the night, wanted phone sex, and I couldn’t call him. Upon further questioning he still lived with his wife but it was over; honest!
Seeeeee Yaaaaa!

I was waiting for another online date (this was going to be the last) when I met JC.

I could not believe my good fortune. We “clicked” we had so much in common it was almost spooky. From the first time we set eyes on each other there was something there I’d never felt before. Love at first sight? He was 6′, handsome, had a great sense of humor, owned property on the coast(lie), and he told me a bunch of other lies but at the time I took it as the truth. The one big thing in his favor was he didn’t even own a computer! Thank you God!!

He called me on the phone and we talked for hours, we had real in person dates and real in person sex. He cried when he told me he loved me the first time. He took me to meet his family, he wined and dined me. We blitzed Vancouver, hitting all the neat little shops, stopping to share an appetizer and have a drink in a quaint open air pub. He was nuts about me and from the first date we talked every night and saw each other 4 out of 7 nights.

From the first night together we slept wrapped up in each other waking up in the morning still holding each other; I had never experienced that before and I loved it. For the first time in my life when I went to bed with a man I felt that as long as I had his arms around me everything would be ok. I don’t remember ever feeling that way before.

The passion of our love making was almost intimidating to me. I had always been an adventuresome , playful and active participant when having sex but with him I was almost shy and I think it was because he was so powerful, the feelings were so powerful. He was insatiable, rarely did a night go by without making love 2 or 3 times in the night. I had never known a man who “could” do it time after time like that.

I moved in with him after about 4 months; I know it was quick but we were spending so much time together, money was tight for both of us and it just made sense.

I brought my computer, and in a heart beat everything changed. He didn’t want to ever leave the apartment, every time I walked in the room he’d shrink the screen. I knew I saw tits but he denied it.

Then came the day we were supposed to go to my folks for supper and he wasn’t ready to go. I nagged a bit to get off the computer and get ready and then I thought to hell with him I’ll go alone. When I got home he was still on the F’in computer and when I walked in I swore he shrunk the screen. I teased him about looking at porn and he denied it. I’m no dummy and we had such good communication I couldn’t believe he’d lie. So I checked and sure as shooting there was all these porn sites in history.

I jokingly told him he was busted and he got very defensive and blamed it on Kris my son who hadn’t been on the computer in months. That is when I checked history more and discovered his ad in LavaLife lookTo not have him come to bed was very upsetting for me, when I’d wake up in the morning and realize he hadn’t come to bed I couldn’t help but cry or be angry; either way it was a horrible way to start the day. It was the last year that I stopped caring and when I knew it was over.

For years he said “If you knew the truth about the ads you wouldn’t be upset.” But he never told me the truth. I told myself that it was an ego boost for him that he needed to know he was still attractive and could get a woman if he wanted; it was innocent really.

He said things like:
When do I have time to meet any other woman?
I don’t know why you get so upset; you know we always end up together.
My reaction to the ads was what pushed him to go looking for other women.
Why didn’t I try to be more attractive instead of being angry then he wouldn’t want to look elsewhere.
I actually talked myself into accepting that the ads meant nothing and stopped reacting but if he wasn’t getting a reaction he upped the anti. He needed the reaction for narcissistic supply.

The situation escalated; as soon as I stopped reacting to something he would take it a step further. His communications got more personal; he stopped looking for casual sex and started looking for a relationship. I think he did go to meet a few of the women but for the most part from what I was reading it was mostly phone calls, plans to meet that fell through, and him professing his love and wanting her to commit to him and him promising the world.

Warning signs that the fellow you have met on the internet is not all he professes to be or that your man is being unfaithful on the net:

– On Facebook he had what I call “poser” pictures; JC had pictures that were provocative in a subtle way like the picture of him taking his shirt off and his abs showing. He was constantly taking pictures of himself especially the last couple of years.

– Even though we were in a committed relationship he never talked about his life with me on Facebook When ever he spoke about what he did on the weekend he spoke as if he did it alone.

– He kept his conversations private. Most people I know on Facebook have their settings so that all their friends can read their wall but he had his setting so only he could read his wall. Every conversation was private and he had many women from all over the world he was talking to. I felt uncomfortable to say anything personal on his Facebook.

– His life was larger than life and the women were giggly over his attention.

He had many sites where he chatted and had two Facebook accounts, one with just family and one where he was his fantasy self. He had one woman leave Facebook and they chatted on High 5, I don’t know what excuse he gave her as to why they had to go to a different site.

He had several women he chatted to on MSN chat. (I just about died when I went into MSN and he had changed his profile and had pictures of the 3 most important people in his life and it was his ex and her two kids. When I confronted him he said it wasn’t finished it was supposed to be the 30 most important people in his life. OH GIVE ME A BREAK!!!

One woman was sending him naked pictures (if a guy you have never met wants nude or semi nude pictures he is not in love with you!!! Give your head a shake!!) And he was telling her how he knew they had something special; he could feel it in his gut. He acted really jealous when she went out and said things like, “Save it for me” “I hope you are being good, I am”. (that was a message sent on New Years eve and he was with me)

He was telling another one that he couldn’t wait until the day he put a ring on his bride’s hand. When I confronted him on that he said, “I said my brides hand, I didn’t say she was going to be my bride.”

He loved everything each woman loved, with one he loved to dance (he danced with me 3 times in 10 years, he hated to dance)
He told another that he loved long walks (he never walked any where, he’d drive to the end of the driveway to get the mail)
He was an expert on everything, if he didn’t know it he looked it up.
He never traveled but online he loved to travel
He was always unemployed but online he was making $150,000 a year and at the point in his life he could set his own hours and taking time to enjoy life. (in reality he spent all his time at work when he had a job, had no money and never wanted to do anything fun)

When he left his accounts open and I found them when I went on the computer and I sent all the women each others letters he told them all that his psycho ex had hacked into his computer and was trying to ruin his life. He pleaded with them to not let her destroy what they had.

He’d tell them to go out side and look at the moon at a certain time and he would do the same and they would both be looking at the moon at the same time and for her to imagine his arms around her and some day soon it would happen.

Each woman was “the” one; he couldn’t get them out of his mind. If he couldn’t make a planned meeting and she understood he would say, “I knew I loved you for a reason, that’s my girl I knew you’d understand”.
His phone would ring and he wouldn’t answer but he would be text messaging a few minutes later. Sometimes when I would call him he wouldn’t answer and then text message me saying he was busy and would call right back. It didn’t take long before I figured out that if he was with someone else he wouldn’t answer his phone and just text message, he could do that without the person he is with over hearing a woman’s voice on the phone and he could still say I love you in text message.
He called women in the middle of the night or during the day. He would sit out in his car when he got home from work talking on the phone for sometimes hours. If the guy you are talking to hardly ever calls in the evening, if it’s always during work hours or late at night chances are he is involved. On the same vein; if you can’t call him or he rarely answers in the evening and text messages instead of calling, he’s got someone at the other end he’s doesn’t want to know he is talking to you.

If he is still living with the woman but it’s been over for a long time; he only stays because of finances, the kids, she is suicidal, or until the house sells – run!! it is bullshit

If a woman contacts you and says she is his wife or one of several women he is chatting with believe them. The odds are she is telling the truth and she is not a psycho making his life hell like he would like you to believe.

If a guy can’t meet you in person in a relatively short time frame assume he has other commitments that are getting in the way; like a wife and kids. If he is that busy with work then he is a workaholic and do you want to be with a man who can’t make time for you.
If you are talking on the phone and he has to get off suddenly (someone just walked in the room)

If he doesn’t want to show that he is involved with you and chat openly on Facebook and says it’s because his ex is on his Facebook and he doesn’t want to upset her either they haven’t been split long enough, he’s not being straight with her, they aren’t ex’s, or he has several women on there he is talking to. I am on some of my ex’s Facebook and I couldn’t care less if they are involved with a woman.

Pictures don’t prove anything! JC had pictures of a bunch of semi trucks and trailers that he told me were of the trucks he used to own when he had his own trucking company, also pictures of vehicles he had owned and a house he said he was buying. It was after we split and I was talking to his sister I found out none of it was true. Just because he shows you pictures of the places he’s traveled, the stuff he owns does not make it true.

If he won’t give you an address that you can verify something is not right

A lot of people don’t have a land line any more, which used to be a tell tale sign if you couldn’t call them at home but now that’s not so unusual.

Before you ever go to another town to meet a man, verify his address, his employment, call him at all hours and see if he answers. Google his username; you’d be surprised what comes up, sure other people could be using the same username but you can tell pretty quickly if it is him or not. People often use the same username for everything. JC used 2 different user names and when I Googled them he came up in a dozen dating sites, his comments on POF forums came up, all the porn sites he belonged to, every site he belonged to, his picasa web photos, etc. Googling their name probably won’t bring up stuff they don’t want people to see. I think it cost me $100 to do a search on a fellow in the states and it probably saved my life because he didn’t exist, now a days it is pretty easy to do your own search. The reason I paid for it was because when I did my own search I couldn’t find anything but when I paid for a search they didn’t find anything either, he didn’t exist.

The internet has just made it easier for a narcissist to spin his web and reach farther than prior to the net, in now way does it mean that they don’t exist off the web. Like I said I met JC in a bar, I was happy he wasn’t on the internet, I had sworn off of dating sites etc. so just because you meet a guy off the net doesn’t mean you are safe, they are every where. JC’s mother told me that she was looking for something and opened a box that was downstairs, it turned out to be one of JC’s boxes he had stored there and it was full of naked pictures of women and letter from them; he had been doing this for years. He would answer personal ads in the newspaper before there was the internet. Being a trucker was ideal for him also; he could have a woman in every town and had the perfect excuse for not being around much.

I found with JC, he would inadvertently tell me things about his past and I filed them for future reference. Like in the beginning he told me he had screwed around once on his long time common in law, she had always falsely accused him of cheating so when the opportunity presented itself he had thought, I am being accused anyway I might as well do it.; in other words he was telling me to not accuse him of cheating. That should have been my first red flag. Years later he was telling me about the two women he met in a ar that went back to his truck with him and they had a threesome, and about the women he had in different towns that he would see when he went through those towns and about calling a woman and saying I am coming through town pack a bag and ride with me and he’d fly them home a week later. When he went back to trucking 20 years later when he called and asked me to give it another try he thought he could do the same thing he did with her. He was building his trap line but I remembered him telling me about his past and was on to him.

What it all boils down to is; no matter where you meet a man, if he sounds too good to be true he probably is and you have to do your homework. If he is legit, he will understand and be an open book because he wants to reassure you. The minute he is defensive, offended, or “disappointed” you don’t trust him you should be concerned.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck using WordPress for BlackBerry.

This was the photo jc used on Facebook while we were still supposedly in a committed relationship

This was the photo jc used on Facebook while we were still supposedly in a committed relationship

You Can’t Be First But You Can Be Next

I thought it was a rather witty “catch” line for a personal ad, too bad it was an ad JC had placed on “Fling” looking for sex, and possibly a relationship. It is actually a very true statement. It’s a typical narcissist type statement; he doesn’t say exactly what he means by next. Next could be the next to be hurt, the next to be systematically destroyed and eventually left; lying broken, bruised and bleeding with not an ounce of pride left, begging him to tell you if he ever loved you as he looks at you with distain in his eyes, smirks and says, “Look at you? Who would want you? You’re nothing but a weak, suicidal, paranoid bitch that made my life hell”. And he doesn’t say you could be the last either. It’s like when we lived in the trailer and I needed propane to cook supper. I mentioned I had the money, he said, “I could go get propane,” I was thrilled, “Really? That would be great, while you’re gone I’ll get everything ready and when you get back I can throw it on right away, maybe we will eat at a decent time for a change.” I handed him the money and he left. His sister was staying with us at the time and after about ½ an hour she asked how far did he have to go for the propane. I said he should be back any time now. After another 15 minutes, she asked if I thought I call him to see where he was. I text messaged him, “R u going to be much longer” His reply “no”. We waited another 15 minutes and I messaged again, “R u almost home?” His reply “I’m in the barn” Me “Oh! Why didn’t you tell me you were back, did you hook up the propane?” His reply “No”. Me “well could you? Or where is it and I ‘ll do it?” His reply “what propane?” Me “the propane you went to get” Him “I didn’t go for propane” Me “I gave you money and you went to go get propane” Him “No” Me “YES, you said you were going to get propane like and hour and ½ ago” Him “No, I said I COULD go get propane, I didn’t say I WOULD go get propane”

It was a year ago Mar 3rd that he left me bleeding with out a moment of softness, not an ounce of tenderness for a love that was, not a dime to my name and a broken down truck all the while flaunting his new woman in my face and telling me how much better than me she was, how happy he was and how he was giving her all the things I had asked for and more. How he didn’t need personal ads with her didn’t need the hours of porn, and how good she was to him. A few months ago he pops up out of nowhere to apologize and tells me it was all his fault, he always loved me, didn’t I know that? Didn’t he tell me? I said, “You told me many things, promised many things, that doesn’t make them true”. The next time he showed up he told me it was my own fault he hurt me because I kept forgiving him and taking him back.

It’s very hard to get over someone like that, you want to hate them, but you also need to know that the time you put into the relationship wasn’t for nothing. Deep down you’ve known for a long time you just didn’t want to admit it and so in a way he is right, you are to blame for your own pain. In a normal healthy relationship you always have the memories of the good times, what ever caused the break down of the relationship doesn’t void the good times, and you know there was a time that your ex loved you. With a narcissist you’re not only dealing with the end of your relationship, you are trying to get your head around the fact that he never loved you and has already moved on and appears to be extremely happy with someone else, giving her everything you loved about him and he refused to give you.

For those of you who read this and are involved with a narcissist/psychopath and are looking for some hope, just a glimmer that somehow you can save this relationship or he can be “fixed” please; no matter how much time you have invested in this relationship; run! Change your number, move away, and don’t wait for him to devalue, destroy and discard you. Walk away while you have something left of yourself to rebuild your life with.

He will not appreciate your self sacrifice or your forgiveness, there is no loyalty, if you suspect he is cheating believe your gut; he is. If he has hit you and promises it will never happen again; get away. There is never an excuse for a man hitting a woman, like my wise son said to me when I told him JC didn’t hit me anymore, “Mom, JC hasn’t stopped being an abuser, you have just learned to not make him angry, but that won’t last mom, it isn’t possible.” He was right.

The last time we got back together we talked openly about all the areas we had problems and how we could avoid repeating them, I was so encouraged and proud of how we were able to discuss things calmly, compromise, and be so realistic. I thought I had him figured out, I thought I could foresee what would anger him and be one step ahead of him. I thought I could avoid him getting angry by anticipating what would set him off, but he would orchestrate situations I couldn’t anticipate or control and I would end up getting hit. He would create reasons to be angry with me, the tension would be building and I would try to show him he was wrong I hadn’t done what he thought I had or wasn’t thinking what he thought I was but that was reason to get hit right there.

I almost looked forward to finally getting punched in the head, it didn’t hurt; not as much as the constant badgering and looks of distain. Once he hit me things would calm down for a while; until next time. Usually a loving period would follow, he might even propose. He proposed to me at least 6 times, he had at least 6 epiphanies; he recommitted to me every couple of months; every time he thought he had pushed me too far and I was ready to leave.

The only time he treated me lovingly for any length of time was during a period where I had my own place and wouldn’t let him move in but those times only gave him just cause to have personal ads and to date other women, which he did when we were together anyway. A relationship can’t go on that way, so we would split totally and he would come back after having another “epiphany” and I would think why would he bother if he didn’t mean it?

For a long time I thought there was divine intervention keeping us together, every time I’d had enough either my truck would break down or he would be injured somehow. Sure it crossed my mind that he was messing with my truck, but who would do that? I thought I must be paranoid and if I did ever tell someone my fears they would look at me like I was crazy. I didn’t want to believe it, so I chose not to. But how many times does it happen, we were split and I walk out to go to work and he is crawling out from under my truck. I ask what he is doing and he tells me he thought he saw something but it was nothing, then he tells me to pop the hood. What better way to commit a crime than right under the nose of the victim, it’s even more gratifying if you can get them to assist you. Later that day I am leaving a job site and just as I am pulling out onto the road I have no brakes or power steering. It is just a miracle I wasn’t driving down the road at the time. Now I believe THAT was divine intervention. I got the truck pulled over and upon inspection my brake line which supplies fluid for the steering and brakes has worn through and broken. It happened twice while I was with JC, co-incidence? I highly doubt it. My lug nuts on my wheels so loose I almost lost my wheels? I started locking my truck and hiding the keys (yes this was a very healthy relationship) so he couldn’t tamper with it, that’s when the lug nuts were loosened, that’s when he text messaged saying “Be careful out there” and 10 minutes later my front tire blew going 110 km/hr on the freeway in rush hour with 3 tons of scrap on the truck. Co-incidence? Once again I think it was divine intervention I was able to keep the truck on the road and up right. A young girl driving behind me stopped and came running up to see if we were ok and said, “Lady. That was awesome fucking driving!!” for those of you who don’t know what happens when you “blow” a tire on the freeway let me explain. Have you ever been driving down the freeway and seen the rubber off of a semi truck’s tire? That is what happens, usually on a back tire with a truck with dual tires, when one tire has less pressure than the one beside it the tires over heat and the one with more air pressure expands and blows up. It’s scary as hell and it sounds like you’ve been shot but you don’t lose control because for one thing it is the back and not a steering tire and you still have the other dual tire. I have asked professional drivers and other scrap haulers and no one has ever had a front tire blow, JC told everyone who would listen (thou protestith too much?) that it was little pieces of scrap metal embedded in my tire that made it blow. Scrap metal embedded in my tire would cause it to go flat, but not blow up. JC is a class 1 driver, heavy duty mechanic and extremely intelligent; quite capable of knowing exactly what to do to make a tire blow up. When he text messaged saying to be careful his sister even joked, “What? Is the front tire going to fall off or something?” and we were laughing when it blew. It blew with such force that it picked the front of the truck up off the pavement, ripped out my brake lines, destroyed my fender and severely damaged my drivers door. It is sheer luck that I was in the passing lane because when it blew it pulled me immediately to the left. If I would have been in the slow lane it would have pulled me directly into traffic. On that section of the freeway there is a very little shoulder on the road and then a steep drop, if I would have gone off the edge I would have rolled it for sure and we would have been killed or at the very least horribly injured. When I called him to tell him what had happened he said he was on his way to help; we waited 5 hours.

Another time he insisted I go pick up a car he had just bought and had been working on at a buddy’s shop. I didn’t want to do it because it meant I had to walk miles to get there, but he insisted I had to do it. He didn’t have time and it had to be picked up that day. So I walked all the way there, got the keys from the buddy and drove away. It was an extremely hilly area and almost immediately after leaving the yard there was a long steep decline with a sharp corner in the middle, just as I entered the decline I lost my brakes and steering, I was increasing speed and did the only thing I could think of and that was to throw it into park. I was ½ on the road, shaking like a leaf when I hear a car and see JC rounding the corner coming in my direction. I just got out of the car and told him to drive it and took off in the car he was driving. I thought he was too busy to pick up the car, why was he coming up at the exact time I was going down? Co-incidence? I can’t think of anyone who has ever made me angry enough that I would kill them.

Although they are often physically abusive, they usually are careful to not leave any evidence of the abuse and tend to be passive aggressive. JC rarely yelled, instead he’d quietly say things to drive me over the edge and then I’d be yelling and he’d look like the poor guy living with a raving psycho bitch. He might even seem unfazed by something that should enrage him, or you might think you have resolved a conflict only to discover days or even weeks down the road that something you treasure has been destroyed or is missing. By the time I left JC there was nothing I held dear to my heart that he hadn’t damaged in some way. He had poured antifreeze on all my photos, took treasured keepsakes I bought when my son and I went to Disneyland, a gift I got from my mother when my son was born disappeared but the container it was in was in his music room, my clothes were “stolen” twice, I had 3 vehicles stolen in 3 years, and the ones that weren’t stolen didn’t run, I lost all my furniture because the storage bill didn’t get paid, and money I had given him to get jewelry I had pawned never got to the pawn shop and I lost it, everything I own has been acquired in the last 5 years.

Narcissists/psychopaths don’t think like you and me and act like an angry toddler lashing out destroying your toys because you don’t want to play the game their way

They don’t have a conscience, and are all about appearances, creating an illusion of the perfect life. The truth does not matter to them, and whether you believe them doesn’t matter to them, as long as they aren’t forced to face the truth. JC had an elaborate 2nd life on the internet, hundreds of women on his Facebook, and famous people he bragged about “friending” him. He was telling people from his old home town in Saskatchewan that some top model in Greece was going to be the next Mrs. “JC” and that he knew 6 women on his Facebook in the biblical sense. Then there was his off line life where he didn’t come home all night, or said he was at the bank at 7 at night on a Saturday when the bank closes at 3, and had joined a singles club in Vancouver. I knew he had been fired from every job he’d ever had for stealing, I knew too much and I didn’t believe the lies any more. Not only did I not believe I was challenging him on his lies, I had gotten savy to his little tricks. I had figured out that if he came to bed and we had sex and if he kissed me goodbye and said I love you in the morning, he wouldn’t come home that night, or if he did it would be in the wee wee hours and I didn’t believe his feeble excuses. Forcing them to face their lies is a very dangerous thing to do. If they think you might expose them and their fragile orchestrated life they might feel they have no choice but to shut you up any way they can. If you die it would be your own fault.

It is so hard to believe someone would want to destroy you, let alone kill you, why? Sure when people split they may bad mouth the other person, or even slash tires or say hateful things, but who sets out to literally destroy every aspect of another person’s life; especially when they didn’t do anything but love you? Why? That is were the problem lies, don’t ask why, you won’t get an answer, because he doesn’t want you to succeed or survive with out him? he wants to keep you in his grasp and under his control. It doesn’t matter. Do you hear me? It doesn’t matter, knowing why isn’t going to change anything; he is an evil man with evil intentions and the sooner you get away the better your chances are of recovering from him and the less damage he can do. Never think you have nothing left to lose, the most precious thing you have is your soul and your self worth, don’t sell it to the devil for something you mistake for love.

I get so many people directed to my blog because they searched for the narcissist’s new girlfriend, whether it is; should I tell her he is a narcissist, to why does he treat her so much better than me, to how can he get involved and be so happy so quickly? Because it is all an illusion, a narcissist’s life is all an illusion, he changes himself to suit whatever woman he is dating, you think you know his likes and dislikes, his habits, you know him better than anyone I would be willing to bet money that most of those things have changed to what ever the new woman is into. JC was raised Christian, we prayed every meal, we prayed often, we talked about religion, the bible, we studied the mark of the beast, we attended church, yet after we split he told me he and his new girlfriend flew to visit his mother and he was so upset that she dragged them to church. He told me that he had flown all the way out there to see her not to go to church and he had been so bored and his mother had made excuses why the sermon was not as good as it usually is. I said to him, your mother is how old? In her late 80’s? And you have told me how concerned you are that she doesn’t have much time left. The congregation at her church collected money to pay for your teeth, they donated large sums of money for you when you went to Africa, the church is all your mother knows and cherishes, she has been bragging to her church friends about her son for years and you would deny her the two hours it takes for you to attend her church and allow her show off her pride and joy. You couldn’t go and fake it for two hours for your mother? You couldn’t give her that gift? Instead she felt she had to apologize to you for the service being boring?? I can’t believe you? The JC I knew wouldn’t have done that, and if you had I wouldn’t have gone along with it.

When we were together he was obsessed about one world government, the 9/11 conspiracy, we watched everything we could find on it, it was his obsession that I got pulled into. In retrospect I think he was using it to make me feel insecure and that I needed him; and it did/does scare me. I asked him the last time I saw him if he’d seen the you-tube videos about the strange noises people are hearing around the world. He looked at me like I was crazy, and told me that he doesn’t pay much attention to that sort of thing, if it’s going to happen it’s going to happen and he isn’t going to dwell on it. WTF?? How can you go from obsessed to not giving a shit in a few months? How can you go from believing in God to calling the bible a lie in a few months?
Only a narcissist/psycho can do that because they aren’t real, they have no convictions, no boundaries, no beliefs, they create and recreate themselves to suit the woman they want at the moment, or the job they want.

Even when he is apologizing some thing just doesn’t fit, his emotions aren’t quite believable, you can’t quite put your finger on it, he might be crying, his hands might be shaking, but there is something missing. That is because he is acting and because he doesn’t have empathy and doesn’t know what true love is he is just imitating emotions he has seen on someone else so the performance is hollow. Often JC would say, “I don’t know what to say about that”. That would be because he didn’t know an appropriate response, “he is not programmed to respond to that question”. He said he saw me driving past a few months ago, with Kato sitting in the passenger seat and then he stopped, and said “hummmm Huh, I don’t know what to say about that, I don’t know what I thought”. What do you mean you don’t know what you were feeling? Sad, happy, you wanted to run me off the road? What? but he honestly wasn’t feeling anything.

He doesn’t understand why I am so hurt because he has no empathy; he has never loved and lost. He had one woman leave him that he couldn’t get back and he obsessed about her for 15 yrs all the other women he has been involved with he managed to destroy.

He needed some where to live, didn’t have a job so he needed a woman with money, to him it makes perfect sense that he would find a woman who filled his requirements and tell her he loves her and become anything she wants in order to get what he wants. In his mind everyone is out for themselves and he is just playing the game better than anyone else. He doesn’t worry that he won’t be able to keep up with the false self he is presenting, he only has to do it until he has her hooked good and then he can be and do whatever he wants. Promises mean nothing.

My biggest mistake with JC was assigning him emotions I thought he should be feeling, emotions any normal person would be feeling, I assigned him morals, a conscience, and I tried to understand why he did the things he did. To be honest I didn’t even know narcissism existed and thought psychopaths looked like Hannibal Lector.

Be very careful, You might not be first but you could be next!

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck using WordPress for BlackBerry.