Tag Archives: thankfulness

3 Million Hits

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Three Million Hits!! Compared to many blogs out there, 3 million is no big deal when they are spread out over almost 7 yrs, but for me it is mind blowing that, that many people found value in what I had to say. The fact that I have almost 3000 followers who actually signed up for more posts from me is equally unbelieveable! As I have said before; when I first started my blog my only hope was that some day, some random woman would be searching the net trying to figure out, “what the hell happened to me?”, stumble upon my blog and know she is not alone. 

My tag line at the time was something like; “I don’t know where I am going but you are welcome to join me on my journey to find answers.”

It took a few months before I even had one hit; and that almost gave me an anxiety attack! It was fine and dandy as long as no one was actually reading what I wrote. I started to realize I was far from alone with my pain and confusion, I was getting hits from all corners of the world, from straight people to gay, rich and poor, young and old, religious and atheist, men and women; there was an epidemic world wide!! And there weren’t a lot of people talking about it, not honestly, there were blogs that told you what to do, leave. But no one was talking about the insanity of living with a narcissist, the roller coaster ride of emotions, gas lighting, manipulation and how absolutely helpless the victim feels. I remember the first time I decided to share some of the absolutely bizarre things my ex did; I was so afraid everyone would think I was crazy, lying, or deserving of the abuse I received, but the response I got was the exact opposite! I had more comments than ever before, people saying, “OMG! That happened to me too” or “It’s like you lived my life”.

It seemed the more personal experienced I shared the more people could relate to what I was saying and I felt an even greater responsibility to speak honestly and openly AND to not give up on my journey to find answers and ultimately heal myself. I couldn’t very well kill myself when I had all these people coming to me for answers, I didn’t want anyone to think dying was the answer. 

I look back now over the almost 7 years since I started this journey and I am amazed at; how my life has changed, how much I have grown, how much I have learned about myself and other people, and how rewarding the blog has been and how my attitude has changed from 7 years ago. I no longer think of my ex as the worst thing that ever happened to me and now view him as the catalyst to one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Don’t get me wrong, in no way do I believe he ever had any intention of being a positive influence in my life. I give myself credit for turning a negative into a positive and not allowing him to destroy me as he intended.

It has been a gradual thing and I have had my obstacles along the way that I can’t blame on my ex, but I learned one very important thingthrough the blog, I can be totally honest about my mistakes, voice my honest opinion and I am accepted and even liked for who I am. I never knew inner peace, no matter how strong I had been or obstacles I over came prior to meeting my ex; I never had true inner peace and had always struggled with self doubt.  I learned one very important truth through all this, self doubt comes from not living true to your core self, it comes when we try to be someone we are not, someone we think other people want us to be, because we feel like an impostor. I also learned that I don’t want to change who I am, I may not like everything about myself but I am a work in progress and I will strive to be a better person until the day I die. I also learned that we all screw up and we can all make amends, get back on the horse, forgive ourselves and make tomorrow a fresh start. Living with regret serves no useful purpose, learn from the past, yes; but to dwell on the past only ruins your future and to worry about the future and what might happen ruins your today. 

I had always worried I would never find my purpose for being here. Finding their purpose is not something everyone concerns themselves with but I feel I my purpose is the same as everyone’s purpose, be the best person I can be and help others if I can; by sharing my experiences and what I have learned. 

I was afraid that when I was unable to post to the blog it would die and fade away, but it continues to grow (albeit at a slower pace) and attract followers. Just the other day I received another thank you from someone who was helped by the blog. I always appreciate hearing from people who were helped in some way but as with any time I give, whether it is money, time or compassion; over the years I have received so much more back.

So today I want to thank you, my followers and readers. Thank you for sharing your story, for your support, (emotionally and financially) throughout the years. Thank you for coming along on my journey. Although I would say I am healed, my journey continues because it is a life long journey of self discovery and acceptance.

I was with Stella yesterday and she was laying in the sun. Some people were walking by andshe got up to greet them. They said what a lucky dog she is to have a mom a who provides her such a good life. I replied that she has never known anything else and probably doesn’t fully appreciate how good she has it. I thought for a second and added, “her momma has it pretty good also”.  I may not like where I live, I may not be where I had thought I would be at this age but all in all, right now; my life is good.  I always think about the serenity prayer

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change

Courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Thanks Giving and Reflections

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Up here in Canada it is Thanksgiving Day and as you all know I have much to be thankful for so I won’t bore you with listing them all off again. My family isn’t having a celebration dinner this year, not on the day anyway. I have been extremely sick lately, that is why I haven’t been posting or commenting much, I have been flat-out sick in bed. It started with a sore throat, moved to a head cold and now has settled in my chest. I do worry a bit because I have had pneumonia several times in my life along with bronchitis and once you have had either one you tend to get it again and I am not one to sit still for long and think I can just “work through it” which is not always the case.

Plus my brother’s job, which is absolutely HUGE has to be finished this coming Thursday and seeing as my son is site foreman they are both working this weekend to get the job done.

Two weeks ago my brother had asked me to cook a lunch for the crew on Friday and I had said sure, thinking I would be over this flu and I want to help out as much as I can.  With subtrades there was probably 40 people to feed and my brother requested my Pulled Pork Sandwiches. I worked for 2 days cooked the pork in the slow cooker, making potato salad, coleslaw and marinated peppers plus a dessert. Now I don’t have a stove, well I do have a stove but I haven’t been able to buy propane for the stove for over a year. My heat is electric and being alone I don’t consider having a stove a priority and have gotten by using my microwave, crock pot and an electric pancake griddle, so cooking for 40 presented a bit of a challenge but I got it done and was struggling with this dang flu the whole time.

My brother also hired a chef to do barbecue ribs on the barbecue and my son messaged me after the luncheon that all the guys thought my pulled pork was better than the ribs which was nice to hear because I was worried. When you cook for that many you want it to be good. I was really pleased I pulled it off. I made up a no bake dessert using a graham crust, pudding, cooking apples and thickened them added them to the pudding, mixed in some Cool Whip and sprinkled the top with graham crumbs. The potato salad was red and yellow potatoes and sweet potatoes and really tasty if I say so myself. I had  a bunch of peppers given to me by the neighbour lady and used my blowtorch (left from my scrap hauling days) to “roast” the skins off of them and made a marinade. I heard my brother telling the chef that the peppers were delicious and the chef tell him he didn’t make them, I did! The pulled pork turned out quite spicy but every bit of it and the coleslaw were gone.

I had a rather eye-opening experience while serving this lunch. An ex boyfriend of mine is doing some work for my brother, he had I have remained friendly, we dated for about a year, about 20 years ago. I saw he was leaving just as I was bringing out the food and asked if he wasn’t staying and he said he was vegetarian now. I told him to have some salad and dessert, take some home for his girlfriend, so he took me up on the offer and then we stood talking for a while. He said to me,”Now this is what you should be doing full-time.”

I said, “Oh no, I don’t like to cook THAT much.” my face must have shown my confusion and I could see the confusion on his face.

Then I remembered; I used to love to cook. I was a wonderful cook and entertainer. I used to cook for 30 + people all the time without a second thought, (mind you I always had a fully functioning kitchen and all the serving dishes and large pots etc needed to do it). When he and I dated I always cooked lavish meals, I loved to plan meals, I never followed a recipe and could pull a meal together at the drop of a hat any day of the week because I kept my cupboards so well stocked. When I met the wospos I was a great cook, he used to rave about the meals I could throw together out of seemingly nothing, and then we spent the major part of the next ten years without a kitchen. I realized that anyone who knew me 15+ years ago still views me as this fantastic cook.

For the first few years without a kitchen it really bothered me, cooking and being a homemaker had been such a huge part of me but I adapted and I learned new talents, like painting. After the wospos and I split I was afraid I had forgotten how to cook but obviously I retained some of my cooking skills, the thing I didn’t retain is my passion for it. I can do, I can enjoy doing it on occasion but it is not a something I define myself by any more.

It was an Aha moment for me. I used to show my love for people by cooking for them, I entertained to make friends, cooking and feeding people was who I was; but we all grow and change, my ex is now a vegetarian. People who haven’t spent time with me the past 15 years really don’t know me at all now, sure the basic me is the same but so much of what I thought was important and I couldn’t live without means nothing to me now. But in their place other things have become just as big a part of me, I am even more passionate about the things that are important to me like my blog, my education, helping others, my son, …………..things that really matter.  Who wants “She made a mean pasta sauce” on their headstone? I would much rather have, “She made a positive difference in the world” on mine. The whole time I was cooking lavish meals I was feeling inferior and like I wasn’t living my purpose but I didn’t know what my purpose was. Maybe a person’s purpose changes as they age. Maybe being step mom to 4 kids was my purpose at that time, maybe running a daycare was my purpose for that period of time in my life and now my purpose is to raise awareness about domestic abuse. I just know I have stopped wondering what my purpose in life is and knowing that I have helped someone have a better future is a lot more gratifying than knowing I cooked a good meal.

I had taken Kato’s ashes with me with the intention of spreading them at the river where the wospos and I used to take Kato because this job is very close to where wospos used to work. I went to the river but the tide was in, the river feeds into the ocean; and I couldn’t get to the spot we used to go. I left to go to another spot on the river where Kato and I used to go almost daily behind Amix. I drove past where JC used to work and they are gone, closed. The company had been around forever and all the trucks were parked but the company was gone. Then I went to go the other location and the roads have all been changed and I don’t know how to get there any more. I tried to find another park Kato and I used to go to and once again I could see the road I needed to take but now the new road totally bypasses it and I couldn’t go there either.

In five short years, everything has changed. I stopped going down to that area because I didn’t want to run into the wospos and in that time it has changed so much I hardly recognized it. There was a day I knew the whole area like the back of my hand.

There was a day I could remember exactly what it felt like to kiss the wospos, I could remember the feeling of being in his arms, there was a day I ached for him to hold me. I thought I would never be whole again, that I would never find “me” again.

As much as we want things to stay the same, as much as we don’t want to let go of what we know and we think we can’t survive losing what we have……….everything changes, the world, our world, the people around us. We lose pets, lovers, ourselves but every time we lose some thing we get something in its place, who knows it might even be better than what we had. But we have to know when to let it go, when it no longer serves us to cling to something and be open to accepting what is waiting to take its place. It takes courage to let go of what we know for the unknown but if we don’t we stagnate and we will never grow, we will never be better than we were we will never have better.

So this Thanksgiving I am thankful for change, I am thankful for all the wonderful things that have taken the place of those things that made me who I was because they make me who I am.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all with love.

The Ultimate Betrayal

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I am so full of love, contentment and pure unadulterated joy and gratitude I can not put it into words!

I took pics with my son’s camera and when I get them via email later I will post them so you all can see why my heart is about ready to explode. Or part of the reason my heart is about to explode.

I can not share everything that went on this weekend because I have to be respectful of other’s privacy but I must share some of it so that those of you who are feeling you will never find joy might take heart in the fact that 3 years ago I tried to kill myself and today I am so F$cking happy it didn’t work!!

I was ready to go when my son got here on Saturday morning right on time at 7:30. I knew he was stressed because he works 6 days a week 12 hours a day and he was going to be tired. He was apprehensive about bringing Stella because she is still a puppy and he wouldn’t have brought his dog because she would be too hard to keep under control with a crowd etc and he was nervous because he was getting his daughter all by himself for the first time and he wanted it to be perfect.

It was a 4 hour drive to my Dad’s house where the celebration of life was being held, I had not seen my dad or step mom in 15 years, but my step mom had called me a few days prior and invited me personally and sounded so pleased when I said I was already planning on being there, I wasn’t nervous at all. It was great to hug her and my step sisters (who I have seen throughout the years)  My brother and nephew drove up in my dad’s old truck (my brother bought it off my dad just before he died). My brother and I had a falling out when I quit working for him and it has been tense between us but sitting there, having a few drinking and reminiscing we shed a few tears but mostly we laughed. At one point I looked across the lawn and there was my boy, my nephew, and my brother standing there laughing and talking and my heart filled with so much love and gratitude it started leaking out of my eyes. Where did the years go? we have all had struggles, so many, so many demons that my brother, my son and I have fought and we all came through it and we are all standing stronger for it and we love each other and that is all that counts when it all comes down to it.

Stella? she was the star of the show. such a sweet sweet puppy, gently playing with the young children and gently introducing herself to the old people using walkers and wheel chairs. Her and another big dog there met and had a little scuffle and then played all day long until they were exhausted. We stayed 3 hours longer than we had planned on but everyone was having so much fun. My brother was driving back to Vancouver and kris and I were heading to Kelowna but we followed my brother for about an hour before we had to turn off the freeway. I laughed so hard with such pure joy I felt like a teenager again. Kris would pull past my brother and then my brother pulled alongside, back and forth scaring the crap out of me because the road is windy. I was mouthing through the window “Heeeeeeelp Meeeee” and my brother and nephew were laughing. We stopped at a light and I rolled down the window and said, “I’ve got a heart condition you know!” We all laughed, I thought I might pee myself!

We had to drop off some wood at a customer’s of my brother’s (my son works for my brother) and the guy welcomed us into his home life long lost family, giving my son a huge bear hug. He didn’t know I was my son’s mother but gave me a huge hug also. He insisted we have a drink and come in, we sat with him and his family around a bon fire and had more laughed. The man is a big business man and he was telling everyone that he loves my son and my brother and he wouldn’t hire anyone but them. My heart filled with pride.

We left there and went to a friends of my son’s. Brodie has been a friend of my son’s for almost 20 years, he is a family man with 3 little ones and has done well for himself. He has a 30′ trailer that I guess is always available for my son when he is in town and it was ready for us to just crawl into bed. We all slept like logs and the next morning my son went to estimate a job and I fell back to sleep. Brodie’s wife had coffee made when I got up and Stella played with their dog and kids all day. So relaxed, such great hosts, such sweet kids.

Kris went to get Kaela by himself and she didn’t remember me and was a bit shy but she played with the other kids and then we all went for ice cream. I watched my boy with his daughter and the love between them was obvious. Then I saw her slip her arm through his and lean her head on his arm, he bent down to kiss her and she just beamed. I snapped a bunch of photos. She looks just like me at that age, and very much like Kris. She is just the sweetest, best behaved, loving little girl.

When we took her home she was asleep in her car seat and my son packed her in. When she got inside and woke up and insisted on coming back and kissing grandma good bye. That was it! the tears started flowing.

We went back to Brodie’s and had a dip in their pool to cool off before we headed home.

My son was tired but he said too, it was a wonderful weekend and he said it was so good to have time for just him and I. I don’t remember a time since he moved out that we would have had 8 solid hours of just him and I. At one point I asked him what he thought was my worst trait and what was my best trait and he said, “You talk A LOT!!” I laughed so hard because I know I talk a lot and I had been talking nonstop for the whole trip. Not so much when we were other people but when we were driving I didn’t shut up. I said, “OK so that is my worst trait, what is my best trait?” He said, “You talk a lot.” I said he couldn’t use the same trait for both and he told me that he loved to listen to me talk, that I always had interesting stories to tell and he appreciated what I had to say. We told each other things we had been through that we never told each other before. We told each other what we appreciated about each other and we expressed our deepest fears and our regrets and things we are proud of about ourselves and each other, our dreams and things we are sorry for.

We got home and he had another hour to drive to get home himself. As he was pulling away, after hugging several times and saying I love you, he stopped his truck and rolled down his window and yelled out, “I love you mom, I’m really glad you came along!”

I walked in the door to my little cabin and it was just how I left it, no dirty dishes, no mess just the way I left it and I made myself a simple supper and thought how happy I am that the WOSPOS is not in my life any more. Stella and I crawled into bed early and my dreams were full of the wospos. But I didn’t wake up crying, I didn’t wake up upset in anyway. I woke up thanking the good Lord he is out of my life and that I lived long enough to experience to do a road trip with my boy.

When you are with the narc he keeps you in a dense fog that blocks the sunlight, so much negativity you can’t appreciate the simple wonderful moments in life. If I would have been with the wospos either he would have made it impossible for me to go or he would have started a fight before I went so I would have been in a bad mood OR he would have pissed my son off and my boy would have been in an angry mood. Then while I was gone I would have been wondering what he was doing, I would have been concerned about calling enough that he wouldn’t be upset and he would have said things when I called to upset me. I would have been worried about getting home on time and what I would find when I did get home. I would be walking on eggshells not wanting to sound like I had too much fun. The house would have been a mess with dirty dishes everywhere and I would have been pissed.

I will cherish this weekend for the rest of my life.

I watched this Oprah clip this morning   LINK   about living your purpose. Start living the life you were meant to live. I recommend it with all my “about to burst” heart!!