Below is the link to a site I found tonight on the topic of domestic violence. I found it to be one of the most accurate and informative sites I’ve found on the topic to date so I thought I’d share it with all of you. http://www.canadiandivorcelaws.com/domestic-violence/
I don’t know how many of my followers noticed that I have received a couple of nasty comments recently; one from JC and then this morning one from a “Chuck”. I “spammed” JC’s right away and then regretted it because I thought his response was so typical of a narcissist I should have left it. I went into my spam to “unspam” it but using the small screen of my phone I accidentally permanently deleted it. Oops
Basically what it said was that I am a lying bitch, he called you all my “minions”; which I had to laugh about because he was always saying he needed minions.
He said that reading my blog made him * feel ……….. well ….everything but mostly sad. *his words.
He also said this (my blog) was unproductive. I beg to differ; anytime a blog receives daily comments such as:
Thank God I found this site, you literally saved my life.
You are a God send, now I know I am not crazy.
It can not be called “unproductive”.
He also called you all F%*#ing Lemmings and said you should be ashamed of yourselves. So everyone hang your head in shame.
He also told me to never contact him again, he made that perfectly clear in his letter to me when he bought me the computer cord I said I needed. It appears that computer cord was supposed to absolve him of any wrong doing in the past and he feels I didn’t mention it in my blog so he mentioned it to show you all what a nice guy he is. He used to say to me that he didn’t understand why my family hated him; I must have told them horrible things about him. He would say, “Do you ever tell them the nice things I do? No!!”. In fact I went out of my way to mention everything he ever did nice; exaggerated it even in hopes my family would like him and I avoided saying anything at all bad about him. But they weren’t blind and could see the abuse with their own eyes.
Today the comment from Chuck said that he knew us and said that he was there for several of the events I have discussed and I am lying and he called me a “c&*t”. I only know one Chuck and he used to come over when JC was God knows where and we would compare the lies JC had told each of us and get to the truth. We used to laugh about it together. He mentioned in the comment that I had talked him into taking JC’s money twice. Chuck and I did a job for JC and got paid $15 or something ridiculous like that, we worked hours in sun. JC had me do up an invoice for the customer, I forget how much it was for now I think a couple hundred bucks. Almost a year later he still had the invoice in his truck. He had told me to get out but refused to give me any money to leave or let me take anything out of the house. I talked to Chuck and told him I was going to invoice the customer myself again and mail it. I told him that if he let me use his address as the return address I would split the money with him 50/50; which is exactly what we did. One time!
I did leave but went back; and have never heard the end of it since. That was 12 years ago. So I believe “Chuck” is actually JC especially since he called me by the pet name he had for me. Not just every one calls me a “C&%#”. 🙂
My first reaction when I saw JC’s comment was guilt. It was my words that made him sad,but the more I thought about it (about 3.5 mins) I came to the conclusion that if JC was sad it was not my words but his actions that caused the sadness. But he is not sad, he is angry because I am not in a corner some where quietly licking my wounds grieving the loss of him.
He is not sorry for the way he treated me, he is not sad that he had a 10 year relationship with a woman who loved him unconditionally and she came away from it suicidal, destitute, and a shell of the person she used to be. If I knew that I had hurt someone that badly I would do everything within my power to make amends. But that is me, that is anyone with a conscience and a caring heart. But we wouldn’t be having this discussion if JC had either of those two things because he never would have abused me to begin with.
My 2nd response was fear; what would he do? I don’t know ( so if I die suddenly I am not suicidal ok?)
Then I reached my present state of mind.
I started this blog simply as a way to promote my company; I heard the best way to build business is by having a web site. But I couldn’t think of anything but the all consuming pain I was in. I spent days sitting on the couch, crying, staring into space, unable to read a book, watch tv, eat, work, I was barely able to breath.
When I attempted suicide I didn’t write any good bye letters, I didn’t make any last minute phone calls telling someone what I had done. The only thing I did was; at about 10 pm after I crawled outside to let Kato take a pee and could barely see to type I sent JC a text message asking him to come and get Kato about 10 am the next day because I had taken an overdose and Kato would need to pee.
JC never called, never called a friend or my mother to check on me, didn’t take the 5 minutes to call 911 and give them my address. When I came to the next day and realized I hadn’t succeeded I would have tried again but didn’t have any money to buy more pills. A mutual friend dropped by and said he had just had a call from JC asking him to go for coffee but he decided to come see me instead. JC was 10 minutes away from my place, knew our friend was going over to my place and never asked about me.
As if that wasn’t bad enough he still toyed with my emotions and led me on for another month until he moved in with his present conquest. And when I was upset he had told me he loved me on Wed and moved into her place on Thurs he chose to deal with it by telling me to kill myself because no man would ever want a psycho bitch like me.
There I was; alone; all alone, ashamed, beaten down, no one who understood, no way to support myself, at 52 years old a broken woman. The man I loved with all my being, who only a month prior had said, “You know us Babe, we always end up together, I don’t know why you get so upset.” knowing I was suicidal taunted me to kill myself. It was a defining moment; I had to choose to either live without him or die. I had more pills by that time and I sat there for hours looking at them, thinking, “If I can be reduced to this, a strong capable self sufficient attractive woman; what would it do to a young less confident woman?”
It was then that I decided to share my story in hopes that if there was some woman out there thinking she was crazy she would find some comfort in my sharing. I put as much information together as I could find, it gave me a purpose and it helped me heal and most of all it made me accountable. I was telling the world I was choosing to live, I couldn’t give up once I put it out there.
I had no idea what I was going to say, I was raw emotion some days, I was up but mostly down and then I got some followers, Tik Tok and Mysterycoach were two of my first and saw me through some of my worst times. Thank God they were there!!
The last, say 6 months or so this blog has taken on a life of its own. It is no longer “my” blog, it is where survivors of abuse meet up and share the road to recovery helping each other when one stumbles, encouraging, crying, praying, and most of all feeling free to speak about their experiences knowing they won’t be judged, ridiculed or told they shouldn’t feel the way they do. People come here and hear, “I understand, I have been there,” “OMG your relationship was just like mine”. I have received so much support, and yes good strokes from the people who have stopped by; I don’t know how I would have made it through til now without it.
To date I have somewhere around 200 followers and have had 42,200 hits give or take a hundred. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think it would grow like that. I am getting over 500 hits a day. That is alot of pain out there, and I am so gratified to be able to provide some light, some hope. I can honestly say something good came out of my pain, that out of a relationship filled with dishonesty, manipulation, and evil intentions something honest and positive grew.
I thought about closing down the site but I can’t, I would rather die than allow JC to intimidate me into anything every again especially something that is helping people heal from people like him.
I was going to change my settings so that every comment has to be approved before it is posted but that would defeat what we have going on here. People come here to share or give words of encouragement and it is posted immediately. I don’t want people who need support to have to wait, what good is that?
I have wanted to do a post thanking everyone for their patience because doing this all on my phone and not having the net where I live has meant I am slow replying. I hate not being able to give it my best but right now this is my best.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart, you brighten my corner of the world more than you know.
James insisted he had grabbed the chain out of Kris’s hand. I told him I didn’t know what to believe. He asked me to at least check out what he was telling me and I promised I would.
I picked Kris up from the hospital the next morning and I told him I had talked to James and heard the messages he had sent.
I was angry, I had specifically told him to not start anything and had asked him why he needed my phone when he borrowed it that night and he had lied to me.
I was angrier at myself, I felt guilty for dragging my son into my mess. I knew he would feel the need to protect his momma. I had a feeling in my gut when we pulled up that something wasn’t right. I had only given in and let him come home with me to avoid arguing with him; I had wanted to be alone. Now it was a huge mess and I could have prevented it all.(mind you, in retrospect James definitely had something planned when he started putting all the lights on his truck and had been very intimidating that night. Who knows what would have happened if I would have gone home alone.)
Kris admitted the chain was the chain he used to lock his bike up and he had hooked it onto his belt loop of his pants. The knife was the one that his dad had given him that he always packed. It had been in the pocket of his cargo pants and must have fallen out in the fight.
I told him he had to go to the police and tell the truth, he flatly refused. I told him that if he lied in court he would be charged with purgery and besides I had always taught him to be honest.
From the time he was wee that had been the one thing I always harped on with him; always tell the truth, as long as you are honest things will work out and you never get in as much trouble as if you are caught lying.
He would not change his mind and I told him that I would not lie for him in court. He said I didn’t have to lie; just tell them what I saw. I said I can’t do that; I know the truth now and to pretend I don’t would be lying. I just could not lie; not even for my son; it went against everything I stood for, I was heartsick.
I went to meet James secretly a couple of times and told him Kris refused to change his testimony but told him to give Kris time to think about it. If he didn’t change his mind in a couple of days I would go to the cops and tell them what I knew. Of course I was too stupid to realize James was being so loving and understanding because he was orchestrating his defense.
Out of the blue Kris asked if he could talk to James, he wanted to apologize. I called James and he agreed to meet us. Kris got out of my car and shook James hand and apologized for the messages and the fight and James did the same, I thought we were getting somewhere but when Kris got back in the car he still refused to go to the police with the truth.
I called the police and told the officer who had been there that night that I had new information and that my son had confessed to me it was his knife and chain. He said to save it for court. I said why wait? Why waste taxpayer dollars going to court when it could all be sorted out now. He refused to take my statement. I decided to write Crown Counsel myself explaining the whole situation.
By this time I had moved into an apartment in Abbotsford and had started full time college. My son was not supposed to be living with me. When he had come back from Calgary it was supposed to be for a few weeks until he got a job and saved for a place. I was on a very limited student government grant to upgrade my skills; it wasn’t enough for me to live on let alone support Kris. When he quit school in Grade 10 I had told him he’d better get a job because if he wasn’t in school I was not supporting him.
He was hanging with a bad crowd, bringing them back to the apartment while I was in school and the neighbors were complaining. The landlady warned me that he had to move out or I would be evicted; so I told him he had to get out.
James and I were seeing each other again (something I am not proud of and I am sure contributed to Kris’s attitude, I packed guilt about it for years, I apologized to Kris and he forgave me long before I could forgive myself. I have forgiven myself finally. I did the best I could and I screwed up, but my guilt was keeping me from being the best mom I could be, now! I had to let it go)
I wrote my letter to crown counsel and James had written his. The first statement I wrote put all the blame on James the 2nd one laid it on Kris and was heavily influenced by James, in the 3rd and final I laid the blame on myself, saying I should not have told Kris anything to begin with or had Kris come home with me that night. I should have been more aware of what he was doing that night with my phone and basically just stated the facts surrounding that night. James was not happy with my revised version and tried to pressure me into changing it but I refused. Once again, I was sticking to the belief that the truth was the best way to deal with it.
I had my statement typed, signed, and in a sealed envelope on the counter, James was taking his in and offered to take mine at the same time.
A few days later James took me for breakfast and we had a really good talk. I went to school very positive about us. We got out of class early that day and I was anxious to get home to James. When I got to the apartment his truck was parked out front loaded with his stuff from the apartment and with things he had given me; like a TV. He was pulling away when I ran up to the truck and asked what he was doing. He said it was over, he was moving into a warehouse, it was never going to work out between us and that was it. I was devastated, dazed, confused standing there in the parking lot crying as he drove away. I could barely function, went up to the apartment and Kris was on the couch sleeping, he hadn’t even woken up with James moving.
James was so cold and matter of fact about it ending and at this point I still believed he was honest. I admit I grovelled for another chance, I promised to change, I said I would take the relationship on his terms, anything just don’t end it. We spent a couple of nights together at the warehouse and when I went back to the apartment after school I couldn’t open the door; the locks had been changed.
It was a Friday and my landlady didn’t answer her phone, I had no idea where Kris was or what had happened. The door jamb was broken so obviously someone had kicked the door in. I found him at a friends. He told me that when he moved out he took the handheld phone and was able to buzz himself in. He kicked the door open and went to sleep in the lazyboy chair. He didn’t know how long he had been asleep/passed out when he was woken up by someone kicking the chair. He grabbed a pair of scissors and was brandeshing them when he realized it was the landlady and a cop standing there. He told them I had packed up and left him there. They believed him, didn’t call me, gave him ten minutes to pack up his clothes, kicked him out and changed the locks.
Yes I know she couldn’t legally do that but she did and I lost everything because she gave me a one chance to get my things and James didn’t show up with the truck.
I called Crown counsel and they said they never received my statement so I called the police officer and he said he had it in the file at the police station. I told him Crown would look at it and he said it could wait until court.
I was totally frustrated by the police, I felt like they were playing games. The night of the fight one officer took Kris and my statement and another officer took James’s. They had asked James for his address and he had given his buddy’s address in the resort. He was told that if he wasn’t at that address he would be arrested for being in breach of his conditions for release. I was told that he was not to be in the park and if he was seen in the park to call them and he would be arrested. I had called the police many times to ask if he was allowed in the park and no one could give me an answer. The attending cop went from 4 days off to being on vacation. So Kris and I thought James was purposely harassing us when in fact he had to be at the resort. Mind you he did follow us and he did intimidate us with the bright headlights etc. But the whole situation was escalated by the cops not commumicating. Finally the night JC was escorted to get his things was the first time he was told to not come back, even to visit friends.
The whole situation was out of control and the police seemed to be enjoying the show.
The way the whole thing was handled was unprofessional, disorganized, and instead of difusing the situation the police contributed to emotions esculating to dangerous levels. Not once was I contacted by victim services or someone from a Domestic Violence support group, my concerns were literally laughed at by the police. And JC was revelliing in the fact that he had managed to turn things in his favor again. I knew he had a restraining order put on him years prior by the girl that had his baby and I told the police to check his file in Alberta. They said nothing showed up, but I found out later that a person can pay $400 and have their record sealed.
I was in a very tiny old trailer, it had one bedroom with a double bed and very small open living area, but it had a large covered concrete patio. The patio was closed in with lattice work with a screen door entering it. I had strung white lights through the lattice and they provided a warm glow. My son slept on the couch so with JC there it was crowded. After a week I asked when he was getting out and he said he wasn’t ready. I told him this is what he had wanted and now he had to live with his decision, it wasn’t fair to me or Kris for him to stay.
He was pissing off the neighbours by working on his truck in the middle of the roadway. The landlord was getting complaints and I had told him my son was moving in but not JC. Still JC did not leave, I called the police and asked to have him removed and they said I would have to evict him.
*I forgot to mention that before JC moved out of the house I went over to borrow the truck, my son was there working on a car he had bought off JC (actually my mom bought it). JC wouldn’t let me use the truck but I went to take it anyway and JC ran out of the house and threw me out of the truck. My son stepped in and said,” If you ever hit my mom you’ll have to deal with me”. JC said, “I’ve already hit your mom and I’ll hit you too punk”
Kris ran off to get a baseball bat. He came to his senses dropped the bat and came home. Anyway even after that my son wanted to save JC’s stuff and welcomed him to stay for a few days but this was going too far.
Everyday I asked JC to please move out. He wasn’t happy to be there, he was miserable, sullen and distant. So leave!!
I put all his stuff out on the patio. I was very careful to not damage anything and even took my photos out of a rubbermaid container and put them in a card board box so his photos wouldn’t get wrecked. When I got home there was some kind of liquid spilt on the patio with a pool of it by the storage room door. My girlfriend lived nextdoor and when she saw I was home she walked over with her dog, I saw her dog licking the liquid and then she left. A little while later her dog was convulcing. She took her dog to the vet and I deciding to check out the source of the liquid. I opened the shed door and there was an empty antifreeze jug on the floor and all my photos were sopping wet. I was heartbroken, JC said it had been an accident.
I had designed and had made a ring for my son for his 16th birthday using old jewelry I had. It was very cool, the gold was formed into his initials, KO. I had a small diamond set in for my birthday and his birthstone was sapphire. I also had a dinner ring made for myself with the 2 stones set in. Both rings disappeared. We never found them by I have my suspicions as to where they went. (interestingly years later when JC got engaged to the young girl in Africa their rings were designed very much the same)
I started to feel very uneasy with JC around, one minute he would be friendly to Kris and I and then later act like he couldn’t stand us. He bought contact lens but made a big deal about the fact that he couldn’t put them in by himself. I never saw him wear them. One day he had gone out and I noticed his glasses on the fridge. I thought, “omg JC forgot his glasses, he’s blind without them, how could he see to drive?”
Then I noticed it was just glass in the frames. I thought it was strange but put them back on the fridge and forgot about them.
I kept putting JC’s things back out on the patio whenever he brought stuff in yet he did not leave.
He worked for two weeks putting lights on his truck. He mounted 3 high powered fog lights in his front bumper and really bright hallogen bulbs in his headlights. Then he mounted a directional search light to the roof of his truck on the drivers side. He installed two directional work lights to the head ache rack on the back of his truck.
I was walking up to the trailer one evening and could hear cupboards slamming. Ignoring my gut I went in. JC had been going through all my cupboards and pulled out my receipts, journal, all my info on domestic violence, my calendar with dates marked when he had been violent, letters he had written me and he was furious. He started in on me immediately with his right or wrong, yes or no crap and I said I was not going to discuss anything with him. He just kept badgering me so I went to leave but he blocked my way, my purse was on the kitchen table but I couldn’t get to it. He was pushing me around so I tried to go in the bathroom to get away from him but he pushed the door open before I could lock it. I managed to squeeze past him, giving him a push as I did and ran!!! As I passed the kitchen table I grabbed my purse and didn’t look back until I was in my car with the doors locked. He was standing at the screen door staring at me as I pulled away and headed into town. My phone started ringing immediately, it was JC telling me to come back, I refused and hung up. He kept calling and finally I weakened and picked it up.
Me – yes
JC – Baby, I love you
Me – I love you too, but you scared me.
JC – baby, I would never hurt you I just wanted you to admit some things, for the first time I felt we were getting some where. We can work it out baby. Come home please.
Me – I just need some time ok? I’ll come back in a while I just need time to think ok?
JC – OK Baby, I really do love you.
Me crying – I love you too, I’m just tired of the fighting.
JC – oh baby, I hate it when you cry, just come home please. We don’t have to talk, but you’re too upset to be driving around. Where are you, I’ll come get you?
Me – No, I’m ok. Honest, I’ll come home in a bit.
JC – Ok. Babe?
Me – yes
JC – I love you more than ever.
Me – I love you too JC.
I pulled over to the side of the road to take a deep breath and get my wits about me and realized how much I was shaking.
Right about then Kris walked past with a couple of friends pushing his bike. When he saw me of course he was immediately concerned. I told him JC and I had a fight, so I left but we had talked on the phone and he was calmed down I just didn’t feel like going back yet.
Kris put his bike in the trunk and we decided to visit friends who lived near by. JC called again and I told him where I was and to please stop calling and give me some time to think. I refused to answer my phone after that and my friends poured me a glass of wine and we talked. Kris sat with us a while and then went outside with friends. I wasn’t paying much attention to what he was doing. At one point he asked to borrow my cell phone because his was dead and I let him use it.
Before I knew it it was 3 am and I was exhausted. JC called again and I asked him to please just go somewhere for the night and we could talk in the morning but I was just too tired to face him tonight. He agreed to leave me alone. I told Kris he could come with me as long as he promised to not go on and on about JC, I just wanted to sleep. I knew he would worry if he didn’t come so I let him drive me home. I called JC to say I was on my way home and Kris was with me. He said to give him 5 more minutes. I said ok and then my phone died.
JC tried to call again but my phone didn’t have enough charge left and dropped the call.
We got home 10 minutes later and JC’S truck was parked across the front of the trailer with all his spot lights blazing, so we parked across the street.
Something was not right about the whole scene. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was but my gut was telling me to not stay. I was so tired, all I wanted was my bed.
Kris got his bike out of the trunk and I said, “Now don’t go looking for a fight, we’ll just walk right past him, into the trailer and lock the door.
JC’s spot lights were blinding, it was hard to even see the ground. We had to squeeze between the deck of the truck and the lattice work to get in the door and once we were inside it was pitch black. It took a minute for my eyes to adjusted before I could even see the door of the trailer. I heard Kris say, “I thought I told you to get out”.
I turned and all I got out was, “Kris”
JC was on Kris and Kris was saying, “I don’t want to fight JC, just leave.”
I tried to get between them but JC threw me out of the way, and threw Kris on to the patio table that collapsed under their weight. I was trying to dial 911 but couldn’t I was shaking so badly, so I screamed for help. I tried to pull JC off Kris and when that didn’t work I climbed on his back and started bashing him in the head with my phone. I saw a chain wrapped around JC’s fist and tried to hold back his arm. I kept screaming for help, time seemed to be standing still; why wasn’t anyone coming?!!!
Then somewhere in the darkness I heard, “Do you want us to call the police?”
Me – JC stop, its over, people are here.
He looked at me almost like he didn’t recognize me.
When JC was itching for a fight he was like a dog with a bone. If you ignored him he would keep badgering until he got a reaction. He used to make a statement and insist I answer yes or no, right or wrong; but it was the type of statement I couldn’t answer without clarifying.
On my birthday he was insisting I answer right or wrong to the statement, “you picked up my cheque and spent the money, right or wrong.” (He would record it on the computer as giving me money, say $500. He insisted I bring him the receipts but he wouldn’t record them. He put a password on the accounting program so I couldn’t record them; the records looked like he was giving me huge wads of cash which was the truth but I was running errands for him).
I could feel myself losing control; it made me crazy, he’d refuse to understand what I was trying to say.
Once he got me worked up to the point of tears he turned and walked away but I grabbed his arm and said, “You can’t tear me to shreds and then not let me defend myself”
JC – “I didn’t tear you to shreds, I am just trying to make you admit the truth.”
Me – “you did tear me to shreds.”
JC – “Ok, tell me what I said.”
I told him and he snorted, ” that’s not what I said. How can we discuss anything when you can’t remember what I said 5 mins ago?”
Me – tell me what you said so I understand.
JC – why should I have to repeat myself? It doesn’t do any good any way, you hear what you want to hear.
He turned to walk away.
I reached out and grabbed his arm so he would look at me – JC, please…..I love you, lets not fight.
I felt my head hit the kitchen counter and my knees buckle. I thought I fainted until I opened my eyes and I was on my back on the kitchen floor, he was sitting on me, pinning my hands above my head with his left hand and his right fist raised to hit me.
Me – “what are you waiting for? Go ahead hit me again.
He looked at me with total disdain, got off me, left me laying there and went out to the shop. The next day he acted like nothing had happened and seemed surprised when I didn’t want to attend a party that night.
Me – JC, you could have really hurt me. That’s abuse.
JC with a roll of his eyes – It is not abuse.
Me – you strangled me.
JC – I did not.
Me – JC! How can you deny it. I passed out! You could have killed me.
JC – Don’t be rediculous! I know exactly when to stop.
Me – when you hit me last night I banged my head, you don’t know what could happen. Besides, it IS abuse.
JC – No man could put up with what I do every fucking day from you. A real man would have done it long ago. Its not like I come home even night and beat you.
Monday when he went to work I called the domestic abuse hotline and talked to a very nice man who mailed me a bunch of info on domestic violence.
I had shipped my son off to Calgary just before Christmas to a friends who got him a job and he’d been doing well. My brother was also in Calgary and my mom had given me money for my birthday so I could to fly there for Mother’s Day.
JC knew I had the money from my mom so I made sure to buy my ticket right away because I knew he’d pressure me into spending it. My flight was leaving at 7 am, that way JC could drive me to the airport and still make it to work by 8. When we got up JC was trying to get a fire started and I said why bother, we’ll just get dressed and leave, it was getting late.
Me- come on Hon. I’m supposed to be there an hour ahead of time.
JC – How much money do you have?
My stomach knotted up – not much why?
JC – I’m broke and the car needs gas.
Me – Why didn’t you mention that last night?
JC didn’t look up from the fire just said – It’s up to you, we aren’t going any where unless you’ve got money.
Me – I can put gas in, can we go please?
JC – How much money do you have?
I said not much, besides it was my birthday present and I’d already bought groceries.
JC – we aren’t going anywhere until you give me the money like I give you my money.
I gave him a hundred.
JC – That’s all you have?
Me – I need some money while I’m there.
JC – You won’t have to worry about it because like I said we aren’t going anywhere.
I just wanted to see my son so I gave him my money.
The car wouldn’t start, I suggested we take his truck but no we had to take the car. Then he stopped at his work and he stole some gas which took up time and I was trying so hard to not let my anxiety show.
We got to the airport 5 minutes after my flight left.
When I started to cry he put his arms around me. I was stiff against him. I kept thinking, you bastard, inside I was screaming but I played my role, I wanted to see my son. Then he played the nice guy in front of the ticket agent and paid the extra $50 for a later flight. He went to work and I sat around waiting for my flight.
I arrived 9 hours later with $10 in my pocket.
My son had taken the time off work to pick me up but because I was late he’d had to go to work and sent friends to get me. They had a sign with my name and everything but we couldn’t find each other. I was beside myself with stress. Finally my brother who happened to be working construction at the airport found me. I called my ex husband and asked if I could borrow $100 and he put the money in my account.
It was great to see my boy and I didn’t want to ruin our time together by telling him about JC hitting me but when I got the chance I told my brother and he said, “Hey sis, there’s been times I’ve wanted to hit you myself”.
I started hiding money behind pictures on the wall, inside ornaments, and taped under the coffee table. I started keeping extensive notes on what we fought about, where I spent money and paid more attention to what he said so I could recite it back to him word for word.
Life was a roller coaster ride of emotions. One day he would bring me home flowers and be loving the next I could do nothing right. I asked the neighbor to look under the hood of the car to see if he could see why it only ran when JC drove it. The distributor cap was off. So for a few weeks I would drive it during the day and take the distributor cap off when I got home. I did landscaping for extra money and stole the change out of JC’s pockets when I did laundry.
I handed out dozens of resumes but JC managed to make me miss any interviews I got. I went to welfare and told the woman at the counter I was trying to escape an abusive relationship and she told me there was a 6 week waiting period before I could get benefits, and I had to have an address. I asked how I was supposed to get an address without money, she shrugged and said “Next”.
I thought I was pretty tricky driving the car until I was driving through town one day and saw JC coming my way in the dump truck. There was no where to go so I stared straight ahead as we passed each other. I checked my mirror once I was past and he was literally hanging out his side window to see if it was me. He didn’t say a word about it that night but the next day he called and told me to run an errand for him. I said, “You told me the car would explode if I drove it.”
He said,”just do whatever you did yesterday and run the errand.”
When my son called a few months later and asked if he could move back and live with me I moved out.
I agreed with JC to try dating and living apart because he kept telling me I needed to move out and experience what it was like to support myself. I don’t know what he thought I’d been doing all those years I was a single mom.
I moved into a trailer in the resort Sept 1st and he was supposed to be out of the house by the end of Sept. My son arrived early October.
He didn’t move out and 3 weeks after he was supposed to be out the owner came with 3 big guys and started throwing his stuff out doors and windows. My son was walking and saw JC leaving in his truck and then saw three guys about to throw the 90 gallon aquarium out the patio doors fish and all and stopped them.
He ran home and told me what was going on and asked what he should do. I told him we would get JC’s guitars, tools and expensive stuff and put it on my covered patio. The owner put the rest of his stuff in storage. I called JC to see what he was doing and he said he just left the storage unit and they had ruined a bunch of his stuff by just throwing it in the storage unit. I asked where he was and he said sitting in his truck. I told him to come over for supper and that some of his stuff was on the patio. When he got there he looked shell shocked and motioned for me to come hug him, which I did.
Me – Do you have any place to go tonight?
JC – No
Me – If you want you can stay here for a couple of nights. Tomorrow is Sunday, you aren’t going to get a place this late. You can stay 2 nights, tonight and tomorrow night; you should be able to work something out on Monday. He thanked me and said I love you and started to cry. He said I always come through for him and I said I loved him too.
Well 2 days turned into 2 months he simply refused to leave .
Ok I have ragged on and made fun of JC enough now, I think I got it out of my system. But it did make me feel better to remind myself why I don’t want him back, why I am better off and that he hasn’t had a miraculous healing and turned into the man he pretended to be. If I had been honest and thinking with my rational, logical mind, I would have left about 4 months into the relationship and saved myself 9.6 years of misery. But looking in the rear view mirror makes it hard to go forward (I made that up myself :)) and that is what I have to do. That doesn’t mean I am “over” him, well I suppose that depends on your definition of “over”. It is going to take a long time to recover from him, but I am over him and his lying ass.
The one thing we all have to remember, we as in; the victims of narcissist/psychopath abuse is; people don’t change a hell of a lot and no one, not you, not me and not the OW can fix a narcissist/psychopath. I am not talking about your run of the mill adulterer or miserable a-hole, I am talking about the pathological liar, porn addicted, cheater who raped your soul and kicked you while you lay there bleeding wondering what the hell happened. He is not going to change. A person can have addiction issues, they can control the addiction, some times on their own but more than likely with the help of rehab, counseling, or a support group such as AA, or SA. A person can have an affair and never have one again (though statistics prove the odds of them doing it again are high), a person can tell a little white lie or a big lie for that matter and not be a narcissist, but when they lie to you from day one about major things and they have done it their whole life, the odds of them stopping are pretty slim. If they have hit every woman they have ever been with they will hit the next woman too; and if they are ALL those things they are a narcissist and you are supposed to run away!! They like to make it sound like we drive them to behave the way they do, no one has that kind of power over someone else. I have to remind myself of these things often. A person can change something about themselves (usually with help) but they can’t change everything about themselves and maintain it; they never have and they aren’t going to now with the new woman. He lied and put on a good front for you and he is for her too but even IF he did change, I could never go back now so I might as well move on best I can. That being said:
My situation hasn’t changed at all but I am feeling a bit of the old Carrie peeking through once in a while. I am starting to appreciate what I do have and as of Thursday I have paid my storage for another month and paid my truck insurance for another month and only have my cell phone yet to pay.
Something else hit my windshield and left a huge spider web right in my line of vision so a new windshield is definitely top on my To-Do List. I have been given some ideas on what to look for with my truck running rough and I am going to buy a Haynes Manual for a 1991 GMC and figure out how to change my own U-joints.
A customer pointed out yesterday that I’ve lost a muffler clamp so that would account for some of the rattling; it should be an easy fix.
I find I start getting chest pains as soon as I head home so I think I am having anxiety attacks and not necessarily heart attacks.
I had that great chat with that fellow the other day when I went to see where the road went and then Wednesday got hugs from Fred and Maria and that helped with my outlook. As always the gang at Amix always puts a smile on my face. I didn’t make it into Amix yesterday, I wasn’t feeling great, chest pain wise and had a hard time getting moving so I did a few local pickups. It’s been Spring Clean Up in Mission this last week and I haven’t gone out looking at all so decided I’d take a cruise around and see what I could get. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. It was one of those days when people were really friendly, maybe I looked more approachable? Who knows, but it’s the kind of thing that grows, you know? You smile, they smile back, you both feel better so you smile at the next person and they smile at the next person and by the end of the day there are a bunch of people thinking; “Gee I had a good day, people were so friendly”.
I probably timed it right too, I went around just after supper time when people were putting their stuff out to the curb for garbage day and there weren’t many scrap haulers out yet or they’d gone home for supper.
You see different areas have different pick up days, during Spring Clean Up many people will put their garbage out early in the week and that is what guys have been picking up all week, but there are still the few that wait until their pick up day and those are the ones I got. I had one lady yell after me that they were bringing out another battery and more metal and to come back. I turned around and probably chatted with them for 15 minutes. Another guy called me over and had some checker plate aluminum and we chatted a while. I talked to a couple of women who were just out “shopping” for whatever they could find. The dogs are always attention getters and conversation starters.
I got some good stuff for the flea market and almost a full load of scrap. I still got home in the day light which was nice because I am always so nervous when I get home in the dark. I had picked up some purple mini Christmas lights in my travels and decided to string them up along the trailer so now when I get home late I just have to plug them in and it won’t be so scary.
That sort of scares me in itself because it means I am adapting, adapting means getting comfortable and I don’t want to get comfortable living here.
I have been trying to figure out why I have been so upset and I know part of it is wishing my family was different, but they are what they are and nothing has changed in 54 years so I doubt anything is going to change now. I think part of the problem is that I was always so stable, reliable, self-sufficient and predictable. I was who everyone came to when their world fell apart. When my mom and dad split after 30 yrs my mom arrived on my doorstep, literally. She even moved into a place 5 doors down from me, for a year when I said grandma was coming over my son who was 2 at the time would run in the bathroom and grab a roll of toilet paper because he knew grandma would be crying. For a year I didn’t have a date come over without my mom being there, she even lived with me for about a month until I finally said “If you don’t go I will.”
My brother, 9 years younger than me had a second mom in me. I think I worried more than my mom did. He forgets how many times I brought him food, lent him money, cleaned up after one of his parties, gave him a vehicle to drive, and generally was “just there” through some pretty rough times when my mom “couldn’t handle it”. There has never been a time I didn’t have time for my family. There are 3 of us that’s it, so I’ve always thought we had to stick together.
For some reason being homeless has always been a big fear of mine; having nightmares about it type fear. I used to pray that God would keep a roof over my head until Kris was out of the house and then I didn’t care what happened. I should have been more careful about what I prayed for because it was about the time Kris moved out that I got involved with JC and have struggled to not be homeless since. While with JC, homelessness was horrifying and traumatic but I could adapt better because I was with him, I didn’t have to do it all alone, I was reliant on him, he was in control.
Before Kris moved out and before homelessness was an actual possibility I used to tell myself that I had enough equity, enough credit, enough RRSP’s, and enough work experience I would never be homeless and IF by some fluke I did end up homeless my mother would never let me live on the streets, she would take me in until I got on my feet again. It was really hard to take when I found out I was wrong on all counts.
I doubt anyone wants to be homeless, but some people care where they live more than others. I am one of the people who need a home; I need a place I go home to, my little safe haven. It doesn’t have to be fancy, I will work my ass off making it a home, but I need a home. I need a place where I can walk through the door, sigh, pour a hot bath, put on my jammy’s and curl up on the couch.
I need dirt to dig in and gardens to putz in; I am missing my gardens big time right now. Now is when I would be weeding and checking to see how all my plants fared through the winter, I’d be marveling at the sprouts breaking through the dirt and thrilled to see who all survived the winter. I’d be separating bulbs and rearranging plant locations for the ones that didn’t do so well where they were last year and planning where I would find room for new additions and where I could dig up another patch of sod and plant more flowers. I’d have my gardening books out and pouring over them planning a water garden or shade garden, picking out some new feature plant I have to have. I drove past my favorite nursery last night on the way home and the truck almost turned in all on its own. In spring I can rarely make it past without turning in and buying at least one plant. But I kept going, no dirt to dig in this year and oh do I miss it.
I miss cooking dinner for friends and family. I used to do that a lot, everyone raved about my cooking and baking; then for years JC and I didn’t have a kitchen. All my recipe books were stolen (along with all my other stuff they didn’t just take the books), you know all those tried and true recipes you collect over the years that you know by heart but still need the recipe as a reminder.
I had a realtor friend who used to say he loved selling my houses because no matter where I lived I made it feel homey and welcoming, he said he never had to “sell” my homes they sold themselves. That’s because I love home, I love pulling up to my house and seeing my gardens and walking through the door and being “home”. I love my son to be able to come “home”. I was “homemaker extraordinaire” at work they teased me about being a “Martha Stewart wannabe” and my middle name is Sue so I was used to the “Suzy Homemaker” label. Home is what I was all about and it has been a long time since I felt I was “home”.
I have talked before about my mom and step dad selling my trailer. It was one of the most hurtful things I have experienced and I am not able to let it go, I think I have and then I find myself feeling resentful over it and I really don’t know how to deal with it. My mom and I didn’t talk for 2 years and my step dad still won’t talk to me. Mom and I talked and I told her how I felt and she didn’t seem to understand why I had been so upset but I said my piece and I thought I could just let it go now. What’s done is done and as it turns out they are closing the park and I would have had to move eventually anyway. But it wouldn’t have been my own family putting me out and that is the difference, plus they have helped out my brother, and my step dad’s daughter and son and no one else had to give back what they got and besides I wasn’t “given” anything I was paying it back with interest.
When they decided to sell they said they should never have done it to begin with, help me that is, that they should have let me stand on my own two feet (which I had done for many years). In my mind once you make a commitment you don’t just back out of it 6 months later and say ooops, shouldn’ta done that, get out and then take an 8 week vacation because it was a prior commitment. I loved that trailer and I loved having a home, I did Christmas dinner even though I knew I had to move and it was great to have a houseful of people again. I was devastated to have to move.
I don’t want to be bitter I don’t want to hold a grudge. I think more than anything it wasn’t even what was done as much as how it was done. They told me in late November they were going to sell the trailer, JC had been in Red Deer for 2 months and we had not talked at all. JC called me the beginning of December and told me the middle of December he had been given 6 months to live and asked to come and talk to me. I knew at the time of his first phone call I was having to move but didn’t say anything because I didn’t want him to think I was needy.
When he told me he only had 6 months to live and wanted us to try again I thought maybe it was a sign that it was supposed to be, I was losing the trailer he wanted me back. what did I have to lose? The man I had loved for 8 years was making all sorts of promises and saying things I had longed to hear for 7 years so I agreed to try again.
I am 95% certain (never say never) that had I not had to move I would have jeopardized my home and gone back to JC. But my mom and step dad told everyone they sold the trailer because I went back to JC.
Even if that had been the reason they sold it I still think they would have been wrong to do it. the trailer was in my mom and my name so he couldn’t have touched it and I would have had a secure safe place to live and not been at his mercy for 2 years and would not be in the financial mess I am in now.
I am not blaming them for my situation I am a big girl and I made the choice to go back. In my opinion, as a person who’s been there; you should never pull your support from a woman you think is involved with an abusive man. If there was one thing I would advise people with a loved one in an abusive relationship; it would be:
If you care about them at all, do not let the victim feel they have no where to go or that no one cares; you might as well hand her over on a silver platter to the abuser because you are giving him exactly what he wants………total control over her.
Like I said I have been having chest pains this week and stayed home from work on Monday because of it. Monday night about 10 the pains weren’t any better if anything they had gotten a bit worse so I sent my mom an email saying that I wasn’t feeling well and if she didn’t hear from me by noon the next day maybe she should send someone to check on me. I hit send not knowing when it would send because of my sporadic service up here. I got up at 7:30 am feeling better enough to try working and emailed saying as much but of course it didn’t send right away. Then I got service and I could hear the notification of a bunch of emails coming in, I check and one is from my mom sent at 8 am asking if I am ok and then there is one scathing one from my brother who also sent it via text message to make sure I didn’t miss it.
It said, “WTF, are you trying to put mom in an early grave? How would you feel to get a message from your kid like that? (I replied I had gotten worse and rushed off to Kelowna to be with him) Get to the fucking hospital. Park the truck and tell me where it is and I will take care of the dogs as soon as I can. Email me if you are lying on the floor. If I don’t hear from you I’ll have to come out to stop mom from coming.”
Far from loving in my estimation, and I haven’t heard another word from either of them since. From my point of view; if I go the hospital I will be in there for a week, that means no money for a week and no one is going to pay my bills for me, I live 45 minutes to an hour from the hospital and didn’t want to load up the dogs and drive all that way by myself, I didn’t have phone reception. But I didn’t want to croak and lay up here for a week or more until someone got concerned and came to check on me. I did say to not worry until noon. If I would have driven to the hospital would no one tell my mother? Of course they would and like she said the last time I had my heart attack, “You know we can’t keep doing this, your brother isn’t going to be able to take the dogs every time you have a heart attack and every one has their own lives to lead.”
I guess I’ll find someone else to check on me. I am not going to air my brother’s dirty laundry on here but believe me he is no one to talk about poor choices. My mother is not ill either btw, she just can’t deal with trauma and I should know that; my mother prefers to live her life with the philosophy of “what I can’t see won’t hurt me” and keep her head firmly planted in the sand.
So thinking about all these things I have made a “To Do” list and this is what it consists of:
Organize and make an inventory list of all the stuff for the flea market. I have become friendly with a fellow at the auction house and he goes up to Yale (about an hour away and on a main tourist route) and makes $700 or more a weekend selling. He is going to help me learn the ropes of buying and selling at flea markets and such which is something I have always had an interest in and could be lucrative. I hope to go the long weekend in May.
Which bring me to the next thing on my list, get the truck running properly even if it means doing it myself. I have talked to a local guy and he is always around and will give me help if I get really stuck, besides if worse comes to worse I will go down to the local (only) store, restaurant, gas station, & meeting hall around coffee time and recruit myself a good old boy to help me.
Which leads to another fellow I ran into Wednesday. He hauls scrap out of Whistler/Squamish area and he has told me before I should go up there; there’s lots of scrap around. But it is a good couple of hours from here and my truck has to be runnig well. He offered to take me up with him one day and introduce me to some people and kind of show me around which I would be very grateful for. I gave him my card and he said he’d call me.
Finish getting my teeth fixed. I have been so traumatized from the last appointment I haven’t been back but I have to just do it.
Start painting again. I enjoy it, it’s relaxing, it has made me money in the past and can again, maybe in Yale if I can paint some touristy type things that I won’t have to charge much for, I’ve got a few ideas and will post pictures when I get some done.
Get out of the house sooner in the day and get home earlier.
Make the place a little more welcoming and livable, as much as I don’t want to get too settled or settle for living a life I don’t want to live, being unhappy about coming home is not helping my state of mind. I have to “cheer” the place up a bit.
Get my finances in order, I haven’t filed taxes since 2006 for several reasons but I don’t have an excuse now so I have started entering my receipts into my accounting program and will file for all the back years. I should have some money coming back to me, even if only GST for all those years. This is a big job!!! But I’ve started that’s the first step.
Getting my finances in order is necessary if I want to apply for a government grant for assistance starting up “Ladies With Trucks”.
That is it for now. I have to lighten up on myself. I have been surviving, barely for the most part; because I just haven’t had the strength to do much else. I have tried to explain to my family how I feel, how absolutely drained physically and emotionally I am and yes it is my own fault like they say, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is the way I feel and I have to have time to recover. I haven’t had a moment to heal, to veg, to take a break and rejuvenate, I had to hit the ground running when I left JC, any down time I had was when the truck was broken down and I couldn’t work which was only more stress. My family wants me to “get over it” , “get my shit together” and “get back to normal”, “get a real job”, they “never liked JC”, they “always knew he was no good”, they “can’t understand why I stayed or went back”.
I have a blog, they all know about it, not one of them, including my son has ever read even one post. I know if it was my kid, brother, any one I loved and I knew they were going through something that I didn’t understand I would read their blog and learn what I could so I could understand. But that is me and I think right now it is healthier for me to not expect anything of them, I will do it on my own, with the help of many wonderful people around the world who give me words of encouragement, prayers, understanding and compassion and laughs too!! 🙂 Thank you all.
Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck
Where do Narcissists Come From?
There are conflicting views on how a narcissist comes to be; some experts say they are born that way, like any other birth defect their’s is that they are born without a soul, they aren’t wired right, when souls were being handed out they were in the bathroom looking in the mirror and missed out.
There are the experts that blame it on the mother, either she was a nasty controlling bitch who instilled a hatred for women in her man child, or the narcissist male was so spoiled, catered to and adored by his mother he became totally self absorbed. There is also the belief that some traumatic event or horrible abuse as a child made them shut off their feelings.
I don’t believe it is the way they were raised or a traumatic event, because they would have SOME guilt or desire to change if that were the case, they would know the devastation they cause, see the trail of destruction and at some point what to stop it. If they were born with a soul there would be some way to fix them and someone some where would have some memory of the person being different. JC has always been the way he is and yes he had some traumatic events in his life, because of the way he operated; always on the edge of the law, always pushing the limits, always ignoring rules and regulations, angering the wrong people and generally living as the rebel without a cause. Even as a young child he broke the rules, manipulated his parents by hurting himself to get out of trouble and tormented his brother by feeding his fears and teasing him.
The thing is, they don’t really know the destruction they cause because they don’t have the ability to empathize, they don’t have the same feelings as the rest of us so how can they fully understand the pain they cause? They don’t understand why we are so upset, why don’t we go out and get another guy, why don’t we use someone like they do? I know JC is confused by my inability to just move on to the next guy. Why don’t I find myself a man with money and then I wouldn’t have to do without? In his mind he is successful, because he has a house, a new car to drive and a summer house on the coast, he doesn’t care how he got it; he’s got it and that makes him successful. Most men would rather die than live off of a woman but a narcissist doesn’t have those feelings, he doesn’t possess the desire to earn what he has he is only concerned with image, how things look. He isn’t even concerned that someone might think he is using the woman because he doesn’t compute that not everyone thinks like him. He knows that society expects a person to work so he will but he never puts a lot of effort in, the only effort he puts in is to look like he is working but he will take short cuts whenever possible and not be invested in his job. Things that other men take pride in don’t even enter his mind.
He just assumes the world functions as he does; do whatever, say whatever, promise whatever you need to in order to get what you want. Picking a mate is as calculated as finding 10 or so women and then narrowing it down to who is the most receptive and who has what he wants; and in the end the woman that “wins” him gets to give him what he wants until she runs out and then he will move on and it is up to her to find another man to fix the mess the narcissist left her in.
I have my own theories on how they came to be, the first one came to me years ago, when I was watching; almost from a distance as he raged at me, hovering over me with his fist raised to hit me and I knew I was seeing pure evil. An evil so powerful it froze me, as if he was the devil himself; hatred and loathing oozing out of his pores. Is it any wonder I denied it? Who wants to believe that kind of evil exists let alone that you love “it”, it is easier to believe you are crazy than to accept the man you love is that depraved. But the devil can’t work alone, right?
Just as God has his angels down here on earth doing his work, the devil too must have……. whatever you call his henchmen, devils in training? doing his work. They say that 1 in 4 people are narcissistic and the numbers are growing and they say the end of the world is coming, I’m just saying, could it be?
On more than one occasion JC compared himself to Jesus Christ (he was the only man since Christ to build a road in Sudan, he was being persecuted like Jesus had been but the truth would come out soon, God has a special purpose for him on earth) . He knew the bible inside and out and was adopted by the most Christian people you could ever want to find. He has managed to coerce his mother into lying and covering for him; what a “win” for the devil.
You have heard the saying “He sold his soul to the devil”. What if it isn’t just a saying, what if, in a previous life these people sold their soul to the devil for something they wanted and then go on for eternity without a soul not even aware or understanding what they are doing. D
estroying the good people in the world, weakening the opposition to the devil maybe even winning some over to his side. Forever longing for what they see other people have; love, but incapable of every having it because if you don’t have a soul you can’t know true love. So the narcissist goes from woman to woman thinking the woman is the answer; the woman is going to make him feel loved. He knows he is empty, lacking and shallow and he keeps trying to fill the void; expecting a woman to do that for him. At first when he meets a woman he thinks she can do that for him because of the rush of feelings of lust and the excitement of the endorphins flooding his body but it fades and then he is angry with the woman for not giving him the love that he needs to feel whole. He needs that rush so he starts looking elsewhere, he replaces the feelings of love with the rush of porn, hookers, dangerous behaviour, drugs but nothing can fill that empty space where his soul used to be. He doesn’t realize he is missing a soul he just knows he feels empty and like a child expects those around him to make him feel better and so he tries to suck the soul out of people and he never can so then he wants to destroy them for letting him down.
All the while the devil is laughing, watching, and thinking “Another stupid person who thought they could sell their soul to the devil and not pay the price”. When you look in the eyes of a raging narcissist you believe in the devil and if there is a devil I really hope with my whole being there is a God because he is the only one who can fight that kind of evil.
The other theory I have recently come up with is they are aliens and put on this earth to infiltrate the people on earth and prepare for when the aliens come to take over the world.
The aliens had to find a way of fitting in down on earth so they created a human body, they were able to recreate a human exactly, able to give intelligence, charm, they could teach it how to respond to most human situations and conditions but there was one thing they could not recreate because they don’t have one and that is the soul. The best they could do was program their clone to respond certain ways to certain events; that is why the narcissist doesn’t always respond appropriately to situations, he is not programmed for a response and gets confused. He is intelligent enough to memorize suitable responses to various events but no way of feeling compassion or empathizing. Just like those alien movies I refuse to watch because they scare the crap out of me.
Just my thoughts on the matter; OK maybe a little far fetched? Or maybe not.
Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck using WordPress for BlackBerry.