I start most of my days the same way.
I wake up about 6 am, make myself a coffee, sit on the couch and turn on the tv, Stella comes and snuggles up with her head on my lap or tucked behind my back; and I cry.
Now, don’t feel bad for me, it’s ok, I’ve been doing it for years, and I have accepted that it’s just the way I am.
I don’t think everyone experiences such a deep sadness that it just becomes a piece of you, but I wanted to write about it because I think some of you can relate. It’s not pain any more, it’s a deep sadness that comes with acceptance. It doesn’t follow me all day long, and it’s not that I am unhappy with my life. I am thankful for every day, in fact, I am filled with intense gratitude most days.
For most of my life I viewed sadness as weakness, something to be avoided; no one likes sadness. Friends and family want you to be happy, get over it, move on, you are away from the abuser, you should be happy. They tell you to “find a nice guy”, go out and have fun; and you can barely drag yourself out of bed. Friends give the worst advice because they don’t want to deal with your sadness, they feel helpless to fix it. They don’t have to fix it, they just need to listen, be there with a box of Kleenex and to assure you, this will pass.
When my step dad died after 30 years being married to my mother and she was apologizing for still crying after 2 weeks. I told her, “I would wonder if you weren’t crying”. There has been many times my mother suggested I get “something” from the doctor to help me “get over” my ex, or deal with my life situation. That is the way society is these days, be happy and if you aren’t, take something that will make you happy.
I know that there are people who are helped with meds when they have suicidal thoughts, are depressed for no reason, have post partum depression, or a chemical imbalance; but I had every reason in the world to be sad and depressed. I had lost everything and was starting over from zero at 51 years old. My life had been shattered. I had every right to be fucking sad. To medicate myself into being happy was like putting a bandaid on a wound without cleaning it.
I did that as a child, I had skinned my knee badly doing something I shouldn’t have been doing so I put a bandaid on it and didn’t tell my parents. I didn’t clean the wound, I didn’t put antiseptic on it, I just left the bandaid on and pretended it never happened. Until one day it started to really hurt so I took the bandaid off and it was an oozing ugly mess of infection. What did I do? I changed the bandage and left it a while longer, until it got so painful I had to say something. By that time the size of the wound had gotten bigger, deeper and more painful. You know, I fought that infection for months, and I have the scar to this day.
If you don’t deal with your feelings now and mask them with meds, the feelings don’t go away, they sit under the surface festering, growing, and someday, maybe years from now, after having another abusive relationship, or when you blow up over something stupid and unrelated, those feelings WILL come back at the most inopportune time. The scars of emotional abuse only deepen when they are ignored.
Did you know that tears are cleansing? It’s your body’s way of clearing toxins from your body. Crying is good for you! Why else do people say they had a “good cry”. No one ever says they had a “bad cry” because 9 out of 10 times, we feel better after having a “good cry”.
After leaving my ex I cried so many tears I was amazed I had any more tears to cry. I couldn’t stop crying. I mean, we have to be able to function, go to work, deal with the kids, we have to eventually get control of our tears. I decided to give myself an allotment of time every morning before I put my makeup on, to have a full body, pity party, good cry. Then I would get ready for my day and get things done. Then at the end of the day, often times while driving home; I let myself cry again.
It never failed to make me feel better. It was a release.
I enjoy a good cry. I can make myself cry over all kinds of things, but you know what? I never cry over the ex narc any more. I will cry out of gratitude, because I am happy my son is happy, or I might cry because I feel guilty about something I need to forgive myself for, or because I think about my old dog Kato, sometimes I am so filled with gratitude I have to cry or there was the time I used the wrong chemicals on the fairways at the golf course and killed the grass; I felt so bad I took Stella for a walk in the forest and cried.
It’s ok to cry. Give in to it, deal with it, analyze why you are crying, feel it, really let yourself enjoy your tears, feel the stress leaving your body, know you are cleansing yourself of all the toxins left behind by the narcissist. Let all the pain and sadness out and then wash your face and get in with your day.
Have a great day!!