Tag Archives: toxins

It’s OK, I’m Just Sad

I start most of my days the same way.

I wake up about 6 am, make myself a coffee, sit on the couch and turn on the tv, Stella comes and snuggles up with her head on my lap or tucked behind my back; and I cry.

Now, don’t feel bad for me, it’s ok, I’ve been doing it for years, and I have accepted that it’s just the way I am.

I don’t think everyone experiences such a deep sadness that it just becomes a piece of you, but I wanted to write about it because I think some of you can relate. It’s not pain any more, it’s a deep sadness that comes with acceptance. It doesn’t follow me all day long, and it’s not that I am unhappy with my life. I am thankful for every day, in fact, I am filled with intense gratitude most days.

For most of my life I viewed sadness as weakness, something to be avoided; no one likes sadness. Friends and family want you to be happy, get over it, move on, you are away from the abuser, you should be happy. They tell you to “find a nice guy”, go out and have fun; and you can barely drag yourself out of bed. Friends give the worst advice because they don’t want to deal with your sadness, they feel helpless to fix it. They don’t have to fix it, they just need to listen, be there with a box of Kleenex and to assure you, this will pass.

When my step dad died after 30 years being married to my mother and she was apologizing for still crying after 2 weeks. I told her, “I would wonder if you weren’t crying”. There has been many times my mother suggested I get “something” from the doctor to help me “get over” my ex, or deal with my life situation. That is the way society is these days, be happy and if you aren’t, take something that will make you happy.

I know that there are people who are helped with meds when they have suicidal thoughts, are depressed for no reason, have post partum depression, or a chemical imbalance; but I had every reason in the world to be sad and depressed. I had lost everything and was starting over from zero at 51 years old. My life had been shattered. I had every right to be fucking sad. To medicate myself into being happy was like putting a bandaid on a wound without cleaning it.

I did that as a child, I had skinned my knee badly doing something I shouldn’t have been doing so I put a bandaid on it and didn’t tell my parents. I didn’t clean the wound, I didn’t put antiseptic on it, I just left the bandaid on and pretended it never happened. Until one day it started to really hurt so I took the bandaid off and it was an oozing ugly mess of infection. What did I do? I changed the bandage and left it a while longer, until it got so painful I had to say something.  By that time the size of the wound had gotten bigger, deeper and more painful. You know, I fought that infection for months, and I have the scar to this day.

If you don’t deal with your feelings now and mask them with meds, the feelings don’t go away, they sit under the surface festering, growing, and someday, maybe years from now, after having another abusive relationship, or when you blow up over something stupid and unrelated, those feelings WILL come back at the most inopportune time. The scars of emotional abuse only deepen when they are ignored.

Did you know that tears are cleansing? It’s your body’s way of clearing toxins from your body. Crying is good for you! Why else do people say they had a “good cry”. No one ever says they had a “bad cry” because 9 out of 10 times, we feel better after having a “good cry”.

After leaving my ex I cried so many tears I was amazed I had any more tears to cry. I couldn’t stop crying. I mean, we have to be able to function, go to work, deal with the kids, we have to eventually get control of our tears. I decided to give myself an allotment of time every morning before I put my makeup on, to have a full body, pity party, good cry. Then I would get ready for my day and get things done. Then at the end of the day, often times while driving home; I let myself cry again.

It never failed to make me feel better. It was a release.

I enjoy a good cry. I can make myself cry over all kinds of things, but you know what? I never cry over the ex narc any more. I will cry out of gratitude, because I am happy my son is happy, or I might cry because I feel guilty about something I need to forgive myself for, or because I think about my old dog Kato, sometimes I am so filled with gratitude I have to cry or there was the time I used the wrong chemicals on the fairways at the golf course and killed the grass; I felt so bad I took Stella for a walk in the forest and cried.

It’s ok to cry. Give in to it, deal with it, analyze why you are crying, feel it, really let yourself enjoy your tears, feel the stress leaving your body, know you are cleansing yourself of all the toxins left behind by the narcissist. Let all the pain and sadness out and then wash your face and get in with your day.

Have a great day!!

The Healing Properties of Crying

The other day  someone in the support forum asked me if there was anything that I read or do that helped me heal. I had to really think about it because to be honest for most of that time I was flailing, lost in an open sea of despair so deep, dark and stormy I could barely grasp a mouthful of air before I was pulled back down.

I did a lot of things wrong through that time, I isolated myself, the first year I was truly all alone. I had no family, my son was in Saskatchewan, my mom wasn’t talking to me, I had no friends and I truly had no hope. I knew I probably needed help, but I was too broken to make the effort so I buried myself in my work and my grief. I started to put everything I made into paying off debt from truck repairs and paying ICBC fines, just getting myself back on track. I would drag myself out the door about noon, work until dark and then cry all the way home, sleep on the couch for a few hours here and there, eat a TV dinner, smoke, and cry. I tell ya, I was a mess for the first 3 months and then I found out James had met the “love of his life” and totally fell apart.

I barely remember it. I can see that woman sitting on the couch staring blankly at nothing, like a lopotomy patient but I can not tell you what I did to try to heal myself. I don’t think I did try to heal myself, I had to remind myself to blink and take a breath. I wondered if I could kill myself by forgetting to breath. I felt close enough to death that it seemed possible. It isn’t.

The one thing I did right? I cried, a lot!! I even allotted time for crying. I had a good every morning, and I mean I let myself go, I had a full body deep cleansing cry and then put my makeup on and went to work for the day. I might have leaky eyes during the day but I could hold it in pretty good for the most part but when I walked through the door at night I let it go again.

Did you know that tears actually having healing properties and that by not allowing yourself to cry you are preventing yourself from healing? It is a proven fact that tears cleanse the body of toxins and relieve stress. A victim of narcissistic abuse feels physically ill. When I say the narcissist is toxic I mean literally, they are toxic to the people they encounter, the stress of living with them and the shit they pull causes stress, stress creates toxins in the body, tears wash away the toxins. That is why people say they had a “good cry”, when you really let yourself get into it, when you don’t hold back and have a full body cry don’t you feel better afterwards? Trying to hold back from crying causes you stress, thinking that you should be healing faster and shouldn’t cry causes you stress and more toxins are released into your body. People end up getting upset about being upset. Just allow yourself the grief , allot yourself a time to cry, pain is uncomfortable, no one likes pain, many people think it is a sign of weakness to cry, but it isn’t, it is healthy, it is healing and it is our natural way of getting rid of pain. Try it.

I found this guy, Shane Koyczan during that first year and his poems touched my soul, I sobbed listening to him because I could empathize with his pain and I was in awe of how he can take his emotions and turn them into poetry that mesmerizes people into silence and you could hear a pin drop in the room. He also reminded me that yes I was broken, I was in some of the worst pain I had ever experienced but I did not have a monopoly on pain, there are lots of other people in the world dealing with abuse, lost loved ones, there is pain and suffering all over the world. So I cried for those people too.

I have perfected my crying, I can cry with the best of them now.