Tag Archives: Traits of a narcissist

I Think I Am Almost Ready To Leave Him

changeAnother comment from someone on my most recent post about leaving a narcissist after 19 years.

“Iv been with my N for two and a half years. Not all of it was bad. There’s is alot of good in him but a lot bad too. He moved in with me 6 months after we got together. We didn’t discus it. He just moved himself in. I own my home so how would I get him to leave without making a huge deal about it? My close friend dates the chief of police in our town and he knows what’s going on just in case it comes to that point. The problem I’m having is he does come home to me every nite, always calls when he’s done with work and on his way home. He doesn’t really have any friends but isolated me from mine. I can’t talk on the phone with my friends when he’s around cuz it’s taking attention away from him. He always Carrys his phone around with him, won’t leave it out of his site. He will fall asleep with his phone on arm rest of couch 2 inches from his eye. And the phone is upside down with his iPad on top of it most of the time. Sex seems like a chore with him he never wants to get close (romantic, emotional) always talks piggish and makes me dress sluty and do sluty things and degrades me. I think the man has issues. I think he stalks girls and hides their numbers in work papers in his truck and has bikini pics of them on his phone. I’m scared to call him out on his bullshit cuz he gets very verbally abusive and will punch my coffee table or whatever is in front of him. He’s never laid a hand on me but has verbally threatened to smack the shit out of me numerous times. I think I’m getting close to ending it. For some reason I have to solve my game of clue. It’s locked in my head that if I get a chance to go through his phone I’ll have ALL my answered questions and I can walk away knowing that I made him look like the asshole he really deep down is. But his charm and his manipulating ways always catch me. How do I break the spell? I have 4 journals and stopped writing awhile ago. Maybe I should start again. All my coworkers and friends and family know all about the real him and they just want me to get rid of his ass and find someone that respects me and deserves me. Easier said than done. I am very loyal to him mentally and physically. He is not mentally loyal to me that’s for sure. Idk if he’s ever physically cheated on me but knowing he has mentally makes me think I’m not worth it. I can make it on my own. My kids are all grown up. He wants kids and to marry me, I absolutely would give him those things if he was normal. He’s 8 years younger than me. Maybe I should let him go so he can find the stripper kind of girl that he seems so intrigued by. Idk. Any suggestions on my situation?”

narcissistic traits

My reply.

Yvonne,

I always say I stayed 9 1/2 years too long in a 10 year long relationship. It is amazing how quickly the years slip by and before you know it you have so much time invested you think that you can’t leave now!! It is human nature to cling harder to things we are invested in, the narcissist knows that, we don’t. We think eventually we will get sick of it and have enough abuse to walk away, but it doesn’t work that way.  We keep thinking, “If I ever catch him actually cheating I will leave.” But we find a woman’s phone number on his phone and he adamantly denies anything is going on. He is indignant that we could think that of him, he comes home to us every night doesn’t he?

We find personal ads on the net, we are furious until he acts like we are the crazy one for getting upset, he would never actually DO anything about it. I photocopied all the correspondence between him and 8 women he was chatting to along his route when he was trucking, he still denied it and somehow in the course of the argument I ended up apologizing and begging him to try again.

Things get crazier and crazier and the abuse gets more blatant and severe, verbal abuse becomes shoves, then he is throwing you across the room or choking you, next the punch to the head and it is a relief because it beats the verbal abuse and silent treatment.

The longer you stay the more you put up with and the more self respect you lose, the more friends lose respect for you and drop off, the more control he gains over you, and the deeper you go down the rabbit hole until you can’t see anyway out.

Believe me, I have been there, always thinking “I will leave as soon as I have “proof” but you will never get him to admit the truth and he will deny the most incriminating evidence so well you will doubt your own eyes and ears. The game of Clue gets addicting but you know what? when you figure it all out (and you never do figure it all out because it doesn’t make sense so even when you have all the evidence you are not satisfied because you want things to make sense. The narcissist does not make sense because they do not feel like the rest of us, we can’t think like them, because of one HUGE difference between us and them. We have a conscience, we care, we have guilt and remorse and they do not. They feel totally justified in all they do and feel superior to normal people because they are not governed by morals and what is right and wrong. They also get off on our pain so will intentionally do things to hurt the people who love them. Every time you are hurt and forgive it is one more notch in his belt , one more shot of adrenaline in his arm and he thinks, “Ha! I got away with that, time to ramp it up. How far can I push her.” Every time you think you have it figured out and you have the answer to fixing him and the relationship he will twist the facts until you are so confused you question your sanity. You will keep thinking, “If I could just explain it in a way that he would understand he would stop hurting me.” “If I could just love him enough or prove how much I love him he would stop sabotaging the wonderful thing we have.”

It is never going to happen.

You said he has many good traits and you have had many good times. We all did, or we would not have been with them. They are never ALL bad, not until you have been with them 10 + years and by then you are so beaten down and invested so much of yourself, are so alone with no friends and he has methodically destroyed everything good in your life, it is all but impossible to leave.

You own your home? give him enough time and he will make sure you lose it too OR you will have been with him long enough he will have legal rights to your home (if it isn’t too late already) Don’t even entertain the thought that he would never do that to you, never underestimate the depth of their depravity and cruelty. It never gets better only worse, muh worse.

You describe the relationship like this

 He doesn’t really have any friends but isolated me from mine. I can’t talk on the phone with my friends when he’s around cuz it’s taking attention away from him. He always Carrys his phone around with him, won’t leave it out of his site. He will fall asleep with his phone on arm rest of couch 2 inches from his eye. And the phone is upside down with his iPad on top of it most of the time. Sex seems like a chore with him he never wants to get close (romantic, emotional) always talks piggish and makes me dress sluty and do sluty things and degrades me. I think the man has issues. I think he stalks girls and hides their numbers in work papers in his truck and has bikini pics of them on his phone. I’m scared to call him out on his bullshit cuz he gets very verbally abusive and will punch my coffee table or whatever is in front of him. He’s never laid a hand on me but has verbally threatened to smack the shit out of me numerous times.

All my coworkers and friends and family know all about the real him and they just want me to get rid of his ass and find someone that respects me and deserves me. He is not mentally loyal to me that’s for sure. Idk if he’s ever physically cheated on me but knowing he has mentally makes me think I’m not worth it

When I read that I have to ask.

It doesn’t matter what he is, why are you with a man who makes you feel this way? What are you getting out of it? Why do you have to prove he is the asshole he is? You are unhappy, you are suspicious and he treats you with disrespect and none of your friends like him. How much more do you need? You do not need proof in order to leave me; you do not have to justify kicking his ass to the curb. YOU control your life, it is not working, he needs to get out; you don’t have to prove anything. Even if he was a sweetheart, it is your life and if you are not happy that is all the reason you need to end the relationship. Why do you have to have proof he cheated?

You want to prove you are right. But who are you proving it to? your friends already think you are short changing yourself, he will never admit to anything and will cry real tears if you do dump him and be so sorry and beg for another chance and you will give it to him from the sounds of it (just like I did, until I had heard the same line 3 times). Do you know what will happen if you do prove he is cheating? You will wonder what’s wrong with you, he will tell you that he wouldn’t have to cheat if you did this or that….you will doubt yourself, he will beg for another chance, if you would just meet him 1/2 way, give him  chance, be more like the woman he wants (which changes daily) so you will try harder to be the woman he says he wants and you will lay down some rules of your own and for a while it will be like it used to be in the beginning, until he has you firmly hooked again and then you will discover he has just gotten better at hiding his activities and he will get more cocky and indignant. Now it will be, “Why do you have to keep bring up the past? why do you always cause conflict? Why are you trying to change him?”

And down down down the rabbit hole you go and he starts throwing dirt on top of you.

Please read up on narcissists, there are many good posts here or you can try Sam Vaknin on Youtube, Kim Saeed at Let me Reach, or many other sites and they will all tell you that the narcissist never changes and you never win when you play Clue with a narcissist.

You are risking everything; EVERYTHING! for a man who does not love or respect you and he most certainly is not going to appreciate your loyalty, in fact he is exploiting it. Take it from someone who has done 10 years or any of the other women here who have been where you are and wished they would have followed their gut that was screaming at them to run long before they did.

I won’t lie, it is painful, it is not easy to leave a narcissist but it is possible and the sooner the better.

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Back Again I See

Im back

Hi, so you are back again; it’s been awhile, but I have been expecting you. How did I know you would be back?  because you are like me; I did this for 6 years before I faced the truth. I hope you don’t do it as long as I did, that is why I started the blog, in hopes of saving some people precious time and more damage. But there is no shame in being a slow learner, you won’t hear me criticize you, that would be the pot calling the kettle black.

What happened this time? You caught him with another personal ad? or was it worse, you caught him with another woman. Or did he stay out all night or disappear for a few days and refuse to answer his phone? Or did you plan for days to have a talk with him about something, plan your words ever so carefully only for him to blow up at you and call you a selfish, paranoid bitch and blame you for everything and a simple conversation ended with him storming out the door as he spit out that it was over, YOU really did it this time!! He wants out!!

I know

It has been many years now for me, but I remember those days well. Oh boy do I! Initially I would be so angry I would be relieved he was gone, but it wouldn’t take long and his words would sting, the tears would sting my eyes and the self doubt would start. I would start to shake, I would go over my words, how had such a well planned conversation turned so ugly, how could he misunderstand what I was saying and twist my words like that. I never even got out what I wanted to say and he had me so confused and flustered I stumbled over my words and forgot everything I wanted to say. I hadn’t been angry, I was trying to figure out how to make things better and next thing I knew he was screaming at me and I was crying and screaming back and it all got so out of control and hate filled. I said things I didn’t mean and he wouldn’t stop badgering me and I lost it. I never used to lose it like that, I have always been calm and rational; why do I lose control like that with him?

I would try to call him, he wouldn’t answer, I would panic, maybe this time he really meant it, maybe this time it really was over. I would pace the floor, unable to eat, work, sleep, needing to talk to him, to fix things, to make it right again, have him love me again. But he wouldn’t answer his phone and I couldn’t talk to anyone about it, everyone was sick of hearing about it and I always went back.

I would run to the internet. There weren’t near as many sites back then but I would devour any information I could find, spending hours confirming it wasn’t me. It was easy because he fit every description of a narcissist I read, I would print out the list of traits and even highlight sections with yellow, orange, and green nodding my head in agreement, even talking to myself out loud, “Omg! that is US!! I would print off that section and reread it over and over. It comforted me, I could tell myself I was better off without him. Sometimes I would even comment, describing how cruel he was and everyone would tell me no contact was the only way to get over him. I would tell myself, right! no contact! I never want to talk to him again! He’s an asshole, I don’t need him, he is sick, he is a narcissist!! look at all the traits you ticked off the list that he has!! You are SO much better off without him. I could keep it up for a few days, until the phone rang and I would jump 3 feet in the air and pray it was him. I answer and be cool, I was just going to see what he wanted, what lies he was going to tell me this time. I knew what he was now and I could be strong.

But he would be using his sweet voice, call me “Baby”, and ask how I was. He would say he missed me, i would say, “You really hurt me this time James.” and he would say he was so sorry, and in a whispered voice say he loved me. To hear those words would be like cooling salve on a burn, my resolve would leave me, I could feel the wave of relief wash over me, he still loved me.

He would ask to come over and I would try to be strong but I knew the battle was lost, all I wanted was to make love to him and we would be back together. The highlighted lists would be put away, the websites forgotten and I would convince myself that, “Yes, he had a lot of the traits but he would never cheat on me, we were different; we had a special love, stronger than what those other women had with their men. They don’t understand because they have never loved like this. When two people love each other as much as James and I love each other, it is stronger than both of you, you don’t just walk away from a love like that. And I knew, when I looked in his eyes, when his mouth was on mine and his strong hand held mine, when he picked me up and packed me into the bedroom; that I could never love anyone like I loved him and I knew he felt the same. It scared him, that is why he tried to sabotage it, it was so intense it was almost more than either one of us could handle. But I was not giving up on him, on our love.

I even went years not looking on the net, I totally forgot about him being a narcissist because for one, he could be really sweet at times, I knew he loved me and I thought it was his fear of getting hurt that made him act the way he did. He went years without hitting me also, I still didn’t know at that time what gas lighting was or that someone can destroy your soul and never touch you physically. I still thought my truck breaking down was God’s way of keeping us together. And there was always some good reason to stay until the present trauma or drama calmed down. I remember praying to God, more like bargaining with God, “If you let him get off this time (when he was caught with all the stolen cars) I will stay with him.” He got off. Or I would pray that God would open James heart and eyes and know how much I loved him and he would come and apologize. Or I would ask for a sign telling what to do and my truck would break down or James would get sick or injured and I would nurse him back to health.

I convinced myself that he would never really do anything about the personal ads, he just needed to know he could get another woman if he wanted to, he was just afraid that I might leave him. So I set about showing him how much I loved him, whether he said it back or not, I would say I love you. I would vow to not get angry and only see the good things he did, praise him when he did well and be grateful, appreciative, and show him how much I loved him. I didn’t need him to come to bed every single night, I told him even 3 nights a week would make me happy. Then of course he made sure he didn’t come to bed. God forbid Carrie would be happy!! I paid my own way for everything and even paid his way for most things and if he needed money I gave it freely, money had always been an issue with us and I was not going to allow it to drive a wedge between us. I hadn’t worked for a couple of years and I had been reliant on him, once I started hauling scrap I made sure to not be a burden on him and the last two years I went too far the other way, paying for everything and he was stealing off my truck but I told myself we were a couple, what was mine was his and I shouldn’t worry about only my end of things. I told myself that when it came time that I needed help he would come through. OK, ok I already said I was in denial, stop laughing!!

I did not say anything bad about him to anyone, I know how a person can get in a bad habit of finding fault with a partner, it becomes habit to bitch about them, and I had decided to stick it out, no point in bitching about him. I loved him warts and all and I had given up fighting it. I was going to love him to the best of my ability and do everything I could to prove how much I loved him whether he accepted it or not. It was all I could do, I had tried leaving, I had tried reasoning with him, explaining, getting angry, and none of it had worked so I gave myself permission to just love him with every fibre of my being. It felt good to love someone that much, so much that you stopped demanding respect, stop worrying about whether you were getting equal back, to just love someone totally without reservation or expectations, to just accept each day and what he gave me that day. But it was killing me and he didn’t appreciate it, he loathed me for it. it made him sick, the more i loved unconditionally the more he hated me and the looked at me with hatred in his eyes. The more he rubbed my nose in the fact that he had other women.

And that is when he said it was over and I knew he meant it, I knew in my gut it was truly over and I left. a shell of the person I had once been. And I ran back to the internet, dug out those old highlighted lists and consoled myself with the fact that he was a narcissist. And this time he had all the traits, he had cheated on me, we didn’t have anything special, our love wasn’t stronger than those other couples. All victims of an N are the same, we all go through the same denial, magical thinking, searching for answers and not liking the answers we find.

This might not be the time you face the truth, you might have to do this a few more times, hey! I totally understand and don’t judge you for it. Just know you are always welcome back, we are here waiting, and when you really face the truth we will give you a virtual shoulder to cry on and hand to hold.

But, from one slow learner to another; get out sooner than later; please. And when you are thinking about going back; come back here I’ll be waiting.

Sssh! Don’t Say Narcissist!

From my experience, the fastest way to clear a room or kill a conversation is to say you were involved with a narcissist.

Has anyone else had that experience? You can be talking about domestic abuse, you can talk about men who hit women, it makes people shuffle their feet or squirm in their seats, but mention the word narcissist and people will literally start looking for the exit sign.

It is akin to having Tourette’s and shouting out an F bomb in the middle of church or something. I had it happen shortly after I met the woman next door; she works in social services, been abused herself and helped many victims of abuse so I thought she would relate to the devastation they cause. I mentioned her ex sounded like a narcissist and she got obviously uncomfortable and defended him or minimized the abuse, it was the strangest reaction. As time has gone on she will make more reference to narcissists but she really doesn’t want to acknowledge they exist. I was talking to a man who teaches anger management courses and mentioned narcissists and he stopped talking mid sentence, got this look on his face, like “What’s wrong with you? Don’t you know we don’t talk about …… (with darting eyes) the N word?!” He started making excuses for the men he taught and then I asked him what his success rate was with the men in his classes. He stuttered that he didn’t know.

I said, ” Most of them are court ordered to attend, aren’t they?” and he said yes. “and no one knows if the classes work or not? there’s no follow-up?”

“Well, he hesitated, “I never sees the guys again once the classes are finished, all I know is what the guys tell me, and ” and even as he said it I could tell he realized how pointless it was to order men to attend anger management and never follow-up to see if it works. “but they could tell me anything, of course they wouldn’t tell me they were going home after class and throwing their wife around.”

So typical of our legal system to blindly sentence any man who hits his wife to anger management without even verifying if the program works.

A narcissist made to attend anger management classes is like teaching a thief how to be a pick pocket, you are helping him hone his skills.

A narcissist may say you drove him to hit you with your incessant nagging or suspicions but I think you have to admit that it didn’t matter what you did or said or didn’t do or say; if the narcissist was looking for a fight he would keep pushing your buttons until you cracked and argued back and THEN he would hit you and blame you for driving him to it. Narcissists are all about control. You can be out and having a wonderful time, come home and the minute that door closes he is a raging maniac. That is not anger mismanagement, he can manage his anger just fine. He waited until you were behind closed doors, didn’t he? You can do something that should have angered him and he does nothing, acts like everything is fine and you are shocked. But wait for it, the narcissist will get his revenge. Something precious to you will disappear or accidentally get broken but you won’t know for sure he did it or are you just being paranoid?

There is a disconnect I see with society and even the many mental health professionals; everyone is quick to label someone like the pilot of the German plane that went down, a narcissist, because flying a plane into the side of a mountain on purpose is so inexplicable, so horrific, people want reassurance that it could never happen to them or their loved ones. It is a freak occurrence committed by a psycho. People can accept that a narcissist is someone who would fly a plane into a mountain. But suggest a man who systematically destroys a woman’s soul and tries to destroy her life, even take her life is a narcissist and people run for the exit. Why is it that society will believe the woman is over reacting, “too sensitive”, imagining things, exaggerating, or being vindictive or jealous when she even suggests the man is a narcissist? and not believe her when she shares what life with the narcissist was like?

Is it any wonder women will go their whole life unable to move on after the narcissist when what happened to them is never acknowledged? When they are forced into silence because they just cannot handle being dismissed by everyone and forced into trying to explain the abuse which sounds crazy to their own ears. It is a shame that for generation women have learned that it is better for them if they just keep their mouth shut, “forgive and forget”, move on, and “act happy that the narcissist has moved on and is happily involved with the love of his life.”

I have Googled domestic abuse support sites, women’s rights groups, women’s shelters, and not one of them ever mentions the word narcissist. Why? It makes no sense to me, women are criticized for going back time after time and even blamed for their own death because she kept going back. There was something wrong with her, so in a way it is her own fault and the rest of the world can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that it would never happen to them because THEY would never allow it.

That train of thought is so dangerous! for many reasons:

1. It gives women a false sense of security. I never thought I would end up in an abusive relationship! No man would ever hit me and if he did he would never get a second chance. Because the narcissist does not fit the description of what we envision an abuser to be.

2. How do you protect yourself from something you know nothing about? No one tells women that a narcissist enters your life disguised as the love of your life.

3. When the court’s order absolutely useless anger management classes for the narcissist they are telling the victim that the abuser can change, he can be helped; it is not that serious. How can you tell a woman to leave a man for good and at the same time act on the assumption he can change. That is what drives women to go back, the belief that the man can change. If the women had the facts they could make an educated decision about their lives, decisions that could save her life.

3. The only time people find out about how toxic and prevalent narcissists are is after the damage is done and they are either trying to find answers to what happened to them or to a loved one. But how does the public learn about narcissists if victims are always shhh’d and never allowed to speak out or believed when they do?

It is going to take a lot of brave victims speaking out and not allowing society to shut them up; that takes courage, to speak out when everyone in the room looks at you like you are the psycho bitch. It is so much easier to shut up, bury the pain and hope you find happiness somehow. But buried pain never heals, it sits festering, and will come up time and time again. The victim will seek out narcissists because they don’t connect the whirlwind romance to the abuse and they have this pain deep inside that they feel can be healed by the love of a man, if another man thinks they are wonderful, if another man accepts them for who they are; he will heal the pain the narcissist inflicted. Next thing they know they are right back in another abusive relationship and don’t understand why this man turned on them also; there MUST be something wrong with them! Why are they an N magnet? He didn’t act anything like their ex, he was so loving, he couldn’t get enough of her, he loved everything about her; yeah, just like the last one did.

The victim doesn’t connect the man they fell in love with to the man who abused them. They can’t get their head around the fact that someone so kind and loving could be the same person who treated them with such loathing and if they aren’t ever allowed to discuss or have their pain acknowledged, how will they ever learn. The victim ends up afraid to ever love again, puts a wall around herself, grows bitter, numbs her pain with booze, drugs or some other analgesic.

What a shame, when we know how to stop the cycle, when we could be arming our young women with the skills to detect and protect themselves from these soul suckers.

I am not saying all abusers are narcissists, I am guessing that the majority of them are but a small percentage would be men who get violent when they drink, or do drugs, or really do have anger management problems and they can change with help. ie: quit drinking, therapy and counseling. How would you know the difference? they would probably not have swept you off your feet and been your knight in shining armor, they wouldn’t be pathological liars, and they would not be two different people, other people would see the abusive side of them.

If you have ever had the police show up at the door you have witnessed the narcissist morph into his alter ego: My ex could flip from the raving psycho I thought was going to kill me, into a totally pulled together, rational person who didn’t know what my problem was. I was a shaking, babbling, incoherent nut case. He would be telling the cops a joke, shaking their hands and inviting them to check out his new car or whatever, not even a bead of sweat on his brow or hair out-of-place. Is it any wonder the cops thought I was the psycho bitch. It just goes to show how in control the narcissist is, the narcissist does not have an angry management problem and he doesn’t have the feelings to get depressed.

lucy

I have read news articles about the German pilot that flew the plane into the mountains killing all 149 people on the plane and he is being called a malignant narcissist. I am not a professional by any stretch of the imagination, any knowledge of narcissists I have are my own experiences and what I have researched; but I didn’t immediately think he was a narcissist. I hope someone will correct me if I am wrong because I always want to learn but from what I know he doesn’t fit the typical description of a narcissist.

To my knowledge:

A narcissist is not suicidal, he will kill other people. He is the man who will kill his own children as the ultimate revenge on his wife for leaving him. He will kill his wife for the life insurance policy or to get rid of her so he can run off with his new lover.

A narcissist usually hates boundaries or following the rules. The German pilot has not had one person from his past come forward to say he was anything but dedicated and a rule follower..

His girlfriend has said he had told her that he was going to do something that would shake up the world but she has not said a word about him being abusive or any other typical traits for a narcissist. When ever a narcissist beats a woman, kills his kids, someone comes forward with some information that shows he had issues and red flags before he committed the crime. Some ex girlfriend will come forward saying she feared for her life or like with Bill Cosby women start coming out of the woodwork telling tales of abuse. Maybe it is yet to come, but so far I haven’t heard anything of that nature.

A narcissist rarely seeks help because he doesn’t see himself as having a problem, the problem is you not him, he is perfect and superior. yet the German pilot had sought help for some emotional or mental problems for some time. He had been suicidal in the past. Most narcissist I have heard of aren’t suicidal, they feel they are superior and deserve to live more than anyone else. I don’t see a narcissist as being a “depressed” person, that would mean he has feelings and I really don’t believe the narcissist is capable of  being depressed, he thinks too highly of himself. James and I lived in some conditions that would make anyone depressed. His mother called him “resilient” and praised his ability to “bounce back” I called it delusional. Their lives are based on lies and fantasy so they really don’t care, as long as they can fake a life style, it is almost as good as having the lifestyle. They don’t care if they lose the house to foreclosure, not enough to prevent it; if they lose the house they will just find someone else with a house and move in with them. They blame the victim, the victim should have saved the house, now he has to go out there and find a woman with a house; if only the victim would have taken care of this mundane details he wouldn’t have to put in the effort of sucking in another victim.

There is the need to be famous or infamous but he wants to be around to bask in the lime light, if he is plastered all over the side of a mountain there is no benefit to him. Narcissists get off on the power of inflicting pain or committing a crime and being so superior that they get away with it. My ex would injure himself to get attention, take the attention off something he had done or take the attention off someone else. He will drive like a maniac to scare the victim into thinking he will kill them both but he isn’t planning on killing them both, he sees himself with superior driving skills and knowing exactly what he is doing. He is having fun, he is in control, remember any attention is good attention whether it is love, fear or anger. The narcissist isn’t deep enough to get depressed, he is all about immediate gratification, he would much prefer attaining things the easy way and rarely works hard for what he has, he will cheat, lie and manipulate instead of just doing the work and getting it the normal way. Like with my ex who rarely completed any of the courses he took and just made up his own certificates saying he was a mechanic, welder, or whatever he wanted to be.

borderline

Definitely the pilot had major mental issues, what they were I don’t know, I do know that people with Borderline Personality Disorder tend to have very similar traits to a narcissist but for opposite reasons. A Borderline personality is painfully lacking in self-esteem, are clingy and jealous because they feel inferior and they are apt to be self-harmers, they have attempted suicide several times, and suffer from depression. I know someone who was diagnosed as BPD and was fine as long as she took her meds but without them she could slip into a deep depression within a day or two. She also had other personality disorders combined with the BPD and I suspect this pilot was the same, inflicted with a couple of disorders, on medication, stopped taking his meds and fell into a deep depression and when he had an opportunity he took a dramatic exit taking a plane load of innocent victims with him.

I am only being an arm-chair psychiatrist, but that’s my opinion on it, for what its worth.

The Psychopath Video

My apologies to everyone who clinked on the link in my last post and got nothing! I hit the share button on YouTube and used the link address they gave and it was faulty so I copy and pasted the link I got from Lou and it works. So here it is in case you deleted your email notification. I really think people need to see this and didn’t want anyone to miss it.

Here it is one more time! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgGyvxqYSbE

Interesting Facts About Psychopaths

I have had questions about the “WOS” that I have never been sure if they were traits that were common amongst narcissists/psychopaths or just unique to him so yesterday I went in search of answers, just out of curiosity. I am not going to quote a bunch of medical journals or thesis I read, I can get quite carried away on the net, you know how it goes, you click on a link and another and another and before you know it 5 hours have past and you have no idea how you got to where you got. (That was one of the excuses the “WOS” used to use for ending up falling asleep while looking at porn, he just clicked on a link and *BAM* there was porn on the screen!!)

Anyway, WOS had a very high tolerance for physical pain and an unhealthy lack of fear which makes for a dangerous combination and led him to have many “accidents”. According to him and his mother he was terribly accident prone as a young child and most of his life actually. As a wee toddler (now I am not sure it was the Grande Canyon but some huge canyon) they were at a national park with a cliff and he ran right up to the edge and looked over, teetering on the edge of the cliff. The parents didn’t want to scream and startle him and had to calmly coax him from the edge. He told me of the time he had matches in his pocket as a kid and fell, they lit on fire and he burned himself really badly and was afraid to tell. Another time he ripped his ass end some how and there was a parade happening in town and he was to ride on a piece of farm equipment in the parade so didn’t tell anyone he was injured. It was not until his dad saw the blood gushing that anyone knew.

As a teen he had car and motorcycle accidents, thank God he lived in Saskatchewan where the cops knew everyone and cut him some slack and where the land is so flat you can drive off the road and have a good chance of surviving. As an adult he was accident prone or so I thought, he was continually injuring himself, usually when he wanted to get out of something, like a job or trouble. If I was angry about something he would injure himself, what cold hearted woman is going to insist on discussed the personal ad when he is bleeding and needs stitches?

His unhealthy lack of fear showed in the chances he took speeding, even working on vehicles, and especially angering people and them coming after him. He had guys with guns, big Harley riding dudes who threatened to break his face because he had ripped someone off. When i first started dating him he called and told me he had been badly beaten, of course it was all a misunderstanding, he had done nothing to deserve it. I rushed down and took him to emergency. He had never had a woman do that for him. yeah ok.

But he never seemed to learn from it and would still rip people off but I think he didn’t hurt as badly as normal people so it didn’t impact him like it would a normal person. He told me more than once that he had never been afraid, he didn’t know what it felt like to be afraid. I found that strange.

He would cut himself and not even remember how he did it or know he had done it. One morning while his sister was living with us he had hit himself on the nose badly, it was swollen and had obviously bled and we both asked what he had done and he didn’t have a clue.

Apparently he had accidents in his semi where he was not supposed to walk again.

He used to say he got migraines and he seemed to be in pain, he also used to get a flu and be really sick with a raging fever etc and he said he had always been like that. Not get sick for a long time and then be delirious with fever but when I mentioned it to his mom she obviously didn’t have a clue what I was talking about. So I don’t know what I can believe and what was a lie. But I do know he totalled that pick up truck and put his head through the windshield and it sounds crazy that he would do that on purpose but it sure was convenient.

I think he probably was accident prone but from childhood he learned he could use it to his advantage.

Through studies they have determined that people who have had an injury to their frontal lobe of the brain have the same lack of fear and a very high pain tolerance exactly the same as psychopaths. This finding backs up Dr Hare’s research that showed psychopaths have deformed brains when they scanned normal brains and the brains of psychopaths.

I don’t recall WOS having a bad sense of smell but they say that is another trait of psychopaths and people with frontal lobe damage.

Another function of that part of the brain is their excitement level. They need a lot of stimulation and get bored on the job often (That is when James would end up stealing or something,) which would make sense and be why WOS never lasted more than a few months on most jobs.

It also explains why they are such good lovers (in the beginning) sex is one of the most stimulating things a person can do so it makes sense that they are insatiable sexually. I had never met a man who could have sex 4-5 times in a night. For the first 8 years of the relationship we had sex everyday 2-3 times a day. If he did come to bed he would wake me up in the night to have sex again. It explains the need for porn, why so many of them have addictions, and weird fetishes. The need for the excitement of affairs, leaving hints to their infidelity so you catch them, but of course they can’t ever be at fault and they want to be in control so not only are they getting the stimulation they crave they are getting the thrill of causing you pain.

That is why the physical abuse escalates he needs more and more in order to feel alive because he really is all most dead inside he is so lacking of normal feelings.

I just wanted to share that before I forgot. i am working on my funding package today so I have to get back to work on that.

Does any of this sound familiar to any of you?

 

The Making Of A Victim

I find it rather ironic that society blames the victim of her own abuse when it is society that creates the victim to begin with. 

women place

I am going to be guilty of generalizations in this post, I do know that what I am about to say is not 100% across the board the way all girls are raised, what I am saying is generally this is how are girls are raised. I also realize that men are victims of narcissists and female narcissists cause just as much pain and destruction as their male counterparts, BUT there are many more female victims than male. Recent studies show that in Canada a woman dies at the hands of her significant other every 6 days, the leading cause of death in women is domestic homicide, passing cancer and car accidents, every night 3300 women seek out the safety of a woman’s shelter and 200 women are turned away because there isn’t room. 

They say that 4% of the world population are psychopaths, that is only the one’s diagnosed, probably because they did murder someone and are in jail. Psychopath’s do not seek out therapy or admit they have a problem because that would ruin their fun, they don’t want to stop hurting and manipulating people, that is how they feed their sick ego and most of them are highly intelligent and are able to avoid detection their whole life, going from victim to victim leaving a trail of destruction behind them.

What is enabling them to do this? How can such an plague on society continue and most people are totally ignorant it exists and the rest of the world ignores it or blames the victim? There MUST be something wrong with the way society functions, there must be something terribly flawed in the way people think for the leading cause of death in women is allowed to grow and feed off of itself unchecked. 

We teach our children about washing their hands, how to handle chicken so you don’t poison yourself, wear a helmet when you ride a bike, don’t smoke, don’t drink and drive, don’t run with scissors in your hand, wear your life jacket, you get searched at airports for weapons, and yet we don’t teach our youth about narcissists, we don’t give our children the weapons they need to detect and defend themselves from this toxic scourge on society – knowledge and self respect.

Society really needs to look at why women in abusive relationship are confused about whether they are being abused or not. It is alarming to me that 90% of women in abusive relationships don’t know they are being abused!! that figure is a guesstimation on my part but if you look back on the comments of women who come in here you will find most women’s first comments are something like, “Thank God I am not crazy!”, “Finally, I know what was happening to me”, “I thought I was alone”.

women and men

Could it be that we give our girls mixed messages their whole life, at home, at school, on tv, in video games, in movies, fashion, politics, sports? We give young people the mixed messages that a woman is the “fairer” sex, they are supposed to be “ladylike”, nurturing, giving, forgiving, martyrs, and yet tell them they can be anything they want to be, can do it on their own, succeed in a “man’s world” but deny them the tools to accomplish it. We criticize women for the exact traits we expect men to possess in order to succeed. As this video shows so well, mainstream media portray women as objects to be owned and abused, powerless, reliant on their beauty to get by.

We teach our boys teamwork through sports etc, if you watch guys in the bar they are slapping each other on the back, they help each other get the girl, most guys will not put the make on his buddy’s woman. If a guy approaches a woman in a bar and she tells him she is not interested he won’t back off, he won’t take no for an answer and will think he just has to wear her down, buy her another drink, compliment her a bit more, and he will eventually get the prize (get her into bed). But if the woman’s boyfriend walks up the guy will apologize all over himself for hitting on the guys woman. Most men have loyalty to their gender. It isn’t called the “Old Boy’s Club” for nothing.

On the other hand women will walk right over top of a girlfriend in her stiletto heels to get to the man. A man acts interested and the girl forgets she has friends with her, if a guy compliments her, tells her she is better than his girlfriend she will soak up the flattery, and feel superior to the other woman, even if secretly. Why? Because we teach our girls that they are in competition against each other for the prize (the man because they are nothing without a man) through beauty contests, advertisements, and TV shows.

Identical traits in women and men are described in totally opposite terms.

Men who are called successful are go getters, strong, intelligent, respected, hard working

Women with the same traits are pushy, overbearing, show offs, rude, abrasive, loud, is neglecting her duties

 

How can we expect women to stand up and say, “I demand respect” when we don’t show her women doing that?

Men demand respect,and make no apologies for doing so, it is expected of them

Women ASK for respect. Please don’t screw around on me, please be honest with me, please care about my feelings. Sorry I snooped and caught you cheating, I am sorry I got angry and raised my voice, If only I could say it the right way he would understand. 

We should not be surprised women take a subservient role and don’t demand respect when we don’t teach them it is acceptable to demand respect and equality. 

I think society, women mostly,

need to teach by example and if they have been abused they need to stand strong and united, break the silence and shame that surrounds the victim’s of abuse and shame the abusers. The strongest tool the narcissist has to destroy his victim is silence. Silence is the enabler, the lie he hides behind, the shaming of the victim, it gives society the right to look the other way. 

Exposing the abuse forces society to acknowledge the problem and that is the first step to stopping it.

 

 

What I Still Struggle With – His Hate

keep calmI basically feel healed, as healed as any one can after being with a narcissist, I have said it before; to expect to go back to the way you were prior to meeting the narcissist is unrealistic, I think you can be better, more self-aware, more in tune with others in your life and more appreciative of what you have and the simple things in life, but you never get that naivety back, that carefree optimism; you now know that evil exists beyond the movie screen or the 6 o’clock news. We now know someone who could be ” that guy that killed that girl “. It is a very uncomfortable feeling to have this knowledge, no body wants to know that kind of evil, it alters how a person views life. I still have a hard time truly accepting the cold hard truth and every once in a while it catches me off guard. Yesterday was one of those days.

I was driving along, worried about money, per usual; every over pass I drove under I saw evidence of homeless people and I realized how close to being homeless I am. I miss my truck so much, I was always able to come up with $100-$200 any day, I know it would probably hasten my death because I can’t do that kind of work any more but some times I would rather die younger because I was working and able to live a life worth living than to live longer and not have the money to live comfortably. If you are living under an over pass life must seem interminably long any way.

I tell myself that my  heart condition makes it impossible for me to do that kind of work and ultimately it is not his doing; but James didn’t know I had a heart condition when he started his mission to destroy my business. When I face the cold hard facts I have to admit that he did not end the relationship until he was confident he had destroyed my truck and I had spent every dime and used up all my credit. Even when I managed to get more credit and find a place to live he stayed in close enough contact to kick my feet out from under me anytime I was able to get back up. But he really had no idea who he was dealing with, I was not giving up that easily and traded my broken down F550 for a much older, much smaller 1 ton with a box on the back, no crane, no winch, but I was still in business. He saw me driving in Surrey shortly after I got the truck and called me. “Nice truck” was all he said.

I paid back his step dad $500 of what I owed him for money he had lent me for truck repairs. I took a picture of my new truck, blew it up to 8×10 and cut a slit in the box of the truck and stuck 5 $100 bills in it and then framed it and gave it to his step dad. Shortly after James called me and said “Good one. Al was really impressed.” For some reason I took it as, “Good one, that’s one for you, but I will win this battle.” Like I did it to make him look bad or something.

After my first heart attack he had come to me crying saying he had thought I would die before he had a chance to apologize., It was a grand performance on his part but one that I saw through, even though I was still in denial at that point and lied to myself. He kept coming over and wanting to “help” me be a success like him and I stupidly took him up on an offer to do an oil change on my truck. (now keep in mind we had not been split that long at this time and I was still firmly planted in denial and illusion). During this oil change he had asked me for a specific wrench, I believe it was a 5/16th, I dug one out and handed it to him and he had me get in the truck and start it. I felt that in my gut feeling that he was up to something and ignored it. When my truck didn’t start I felt panic welling up inside and asked him what he had done, an oil change shouldn’t affect whether the truck starts or not. He said he didn’t know what he had done but then he got it going and I thought I was just being overly suspicious. The next day my truck died on the freeway going home. I called him, no answer. I called a friend and he came out. We popped the hood and he said, ‘Who’s been fucking with your truck?” I asked why and he asked for a 5/16th wench; my gut lurched; I found it easily, after all I had just found it for James the day before. Gord, my friend showed me a bolt, I am not sure what the part was but this bolt had something to do with the fuel getting through and it was so loose it was a miracle it had not come off; if it had it would have fallen in the engine and destroyed it.

Even with that event, I refused to admit it, I knew it, but to fully absorb the fact that he hated me THAT much seemed impossible to accept.  I have forced myself to act as if I believe and stay no contact and not allow him into my life in any way because I could no longer justify to others why I kept allowing myself to be victimized by this man who obviously had a vendetta against me. When he called me that morning in 2012 and I returned the call not knowing it was his number and got his voice mail I knew he was up to something. When the mechanic at work found the tracking device on my truck, I knew who was responsible but I still could not accept it. I pretend and I act like I know he wants to destroy me, all the facts add up to a concentrated effort on his part to destroy me and keep me down.

I accept he screwed around, I accept he hit me and emotionally abused me, financially abused me, I can accept all the abuse from when we were together, I understand that he never loved me, that I filled a role or need for him at various times through a 10 year period. The thing that amazes me and catches me off guard every once in a while is the knowledge that he wants to see me homeless and destitute or dead because I took my life out of despair. I say it all the time; it is useless to try to figure out why they do what they do. More than just a few times I have thought of shutting the blog down in hopes he would back off, give up his vigilante against me. But then I remember he started this mission to destroy me long before I had the blog, he came back with the intent to destroy me and it must have pissed him off I was able to keep coming back no matter what he threw my way. As far as he knew, I was going to end up living under and over pass or killing myself because I would be so broken. And that was long before the blog.

I can’t even identify the feels I have about that. I think about these people you read about who find out their husband or wife was plotting their murder in order to reap the life insurance money. Only this time there isn’t even life insurance money, there is no other reward for his efforts except to see me broken. And that is the one thing that I still have trouble with and of anyone, I know better than to waste any time thinking about it. I tell myself, “You will never understand it Carrie, accept it and move on.”

I do accept he never loved me, that is pretty obvious because if you ever loved someone you could never wish them this kind of harm. There is this part of me that I see so often in other victim’s “I loved him unconditionally, I gave up so much for him/her, how can he do this to me?” and I say, “You just have to accept that they are narcissists and that is the only reason you will ever get.”  Even with everything he did to me I can’t feel that kind of hatred towards him. There is more than cognitive dissonance at play, more than mental abuse, or brain washing; it is a phenomenon of the human mind, something 96% of the population is born with; an inability to ever be that heartless or that lacking in empathy, or compassion. Which works in the favor of the narcissist, allowing him to continue selfishly devour everything in his path leaving destruction in his wake. Thank God that only 4% of the population are narcissists and the rest of us can’t grasp the depth of their evilness to save our lives. literally.   But it does scare me that 4% can’t possibly be accurate seeing as they don’t usually get diagnosed until they commit a heinous crime.

I do think that if we are going to put an end to domestic abuse we need as many victims as possible to speak out, to save the potential victims coming behind us. it is the only way to change society’s views of abuse. Yes victims need to look within to protect themselves, but if we are to protect future generations we have to talk openly and honestly about the narcissists, psychopaths and sociopathic that live among us.