Tag Archives: Trauma Bonding

The “Connection” That Keeps The Victim Hooked

I was reading comments on the Support Forum and several of the “victims” were discussing the telepathic connection they have with the narcissist, how they could “will” him to call, or how uncanny it was that he would call right as they were thinking about him. How they could feel him thinking about them and the pull of the connection they have with the narcissist.

I can relate to the feeling. I remember early in the relationship James telling me that he never got a chance to do anything wrong because I was so in tune with him I could read his mind and know before he ever did anything, all he had to do was think about doing something and I would know. I would “know” when he was screwing around and I was sure he would never be able to fool me, I would just know if he was with another woman. I was also positive he could never say I love you to me and any other woman at the same time. He seemed unable to lie to me, he knew I would know and would tell me the truth.

I actually believed God created situations where we would end up needing each other each time we broke up. My truck would break down or James would be injured somehow and I would have to care for him. (all orchestrated by him) No matter how bad the fight was he would show up where I was and swear he was not following me, it was just fate. When we saw each other he was so good at putting on this little boy look and acting like it was beyond his control, he loved me too much to stay away. and of course I would melt, or if I did try to be strong he would act like nothing had changed and we had never broken up. He would rip me to shreds, spew venom all over me and storm out the door. I would be devastated all day and then he would show up like nothing ever happened. If I said anything about the fight he would pull me close and tell me how he couldn’t stand to see me upset, didn’t I know how much he loved me? It got so that even though I was upset we had fought and I would be devastated, I didn’t really believe we would ever end. I didn’t know how we were going to make it work but I knew we would be in each other’s lives forever. A love like ours could not be denied, we were connected by a force stronger than either of us.

I won’t go into all the events James orchestrated to make me think we had this almost magical connection. suffice to say they are experts and they have studied you so intently, they do practically know your next move, how you are going to react. They have you so hooked that of course you are thinking about them, 24/7, it is no surprise that they call when you are thinking about them, they have trained you to think about them. They “let it slip” that they “just had a feeling” and had to call. They set you up to believe you have a connection like normal people never experience, your love is so strong you are telepathic.

Read up on brain washing, power of suggestion, and how when a person is at heightened emotions and lacking sleep (because we can’t sleep when he is angry with us or he purposely keeps the victim awake) the power of suggestion is so much stronger. Add to that the fact that we WANT to believe so badly and we fall so easily really. There never was a super nature connection, not for him; yes he was tuned into us in order to manipulate us but the “connection ” was another fabrication of his. That is why he can walk away so easily. Oh he will tell you that he still feels you and that he can’t break the connection he has with you even though he is with another woman. He will tell you that he has told the new woman that you and he have this telepathic thing going because that will make her work harder to please him and to read his thoughts so she and he can have the same kind of connection. He likes to instill self doubt and if he tells you that he has tried but can not break the connection and power you have over him he keeps you hooked and thinking you are special. It keeps you thinking about him, keeps you from moving on, keeps you on tender hooks just in case the new relationship falls apart.

He loves triangulation too, pitting two women against each other, making each feel they are in competition for his love, it is proof of his power; to have two or more women thinking they are “the one” and he sits back and watches the show laughing to himself.

And don’t think that he isn’t laughing. James ex called me 6 years after we first got together to fill me in. He had called her from my house number, there was no need, he had a cell phone. He complained bitterly that she wanted to destroy his life and any hope of ever finding love, so why call her? especially from MY phone. The whole time she had me on the phone she kept saying “He thinks I am stupid, but I know, I always know what he is up to”. She WAS stupid, because she didn’t realize he was setting her up the whole time, playing her like a fiddle. When she died a sad lonely drunk, he laughed because she had hated me so much, because he and I had been so happy together. You could have fooled me that we were happy, but that is what he told her because it drove her crazy. As soon as he said that I knew anything he told me about his new relationship would be a lie.

When I called him to tell him she had called and how venomous she was he challenged me, “Are you going to be like all the rest and leave him or stick by him?” Of course I didn’t want to be “like all the rest”.

Months after we had split I was asking him if he was dating and he said, “I don’t know why you still get so upset, you know us; we always end up back together. I always come back to you.” I knew that, I knew he and I had a special connection that pulled us back together whether we liked it or not. It was a love beyond our control, a connection that couldn’t be denied. It was only a few weeks later that he moved in with his new woman.

Think you have this special telepathic connection is what keeps you hooked to him, no matter how hard you try to break the ties, stay no contact; the minute he finds a way to get to you he will use it to reel you back in under his control. You must remember he is a pathological liar and when he tells you that things aren’t working with the new woman, that she is jealous of the connection you two have. If that is the case, if there is this great and all powerful connection between you two then why is he with her and not you?

James used to say he didn’t why a love as strong as ours, why even though we had this connection we just couldn’t make it work no matter how hard we tried.

The narcissist quite often has the “one that got away” even though they all hurt him and were bitches, he will reminisce about the connection he had with this one or that one; just to keep the new woman on her toes. You can bet he is telling his ex’s a different story than what he is telling the new woman.

Trauma Bonding-When it isn’t Love

Trauma Bonding – Is It Love Or Something Else?

Posted on April 23, 2012 by Melanie Tonia Evans

When you connected with your narcissist, did you feel like finally you had met true love? Was the connection so intense and powerful that you believed your love was truly meant to be for ever, regardless of the pain your experienced?

I hear the same story time and time again, in fact nearly everyone who has joined the NARC Facebook page agrees that the relationship to the narcissist initially felt like the greatest love of their life.

This article explains how this incredible connection occurs and why the bond of love feels so compelling…

When we first became attached to the narcissist, we had the deep and powerful inner belief that this relationship was ‘the one’ – it felt so real and so true to us. It felt astoundingly ‘right’. We thought we had hit the jackpot.

Over time the cracks started appearing, yet we still experienced the glorious times (even if they became less and less) of this ‘delightful person’ who we wanted to believe was the partner of our dreams.

Of course we had to employ all sorts of psychological defences to protect this belief.

We were all conditioned to believe that powerful and all consuming feelings, and the ‘not being able to stop thinking about someone’ and ‘feeling an intense attachment’ must mean love.

We were taught very little about real love – as a safe, supportive, calm, regenerating and trustworthy entity. And we didn’t realise that true and real love necessitates a deep knowing that you are the other half of a safe, supportive and genuine ‘team’.

Narcissistic relationships, in all reality, do not and cannot fit into a healthy description of ‘love’.

Maybe we never knew what ‘safe’, ‘respectful’ ‘reliable’ love was.

Maybe it seemed unrealistic, too hard to achieve, or maybe even boring….

Maybe we have only ever know feelings of fear, deprivation, unease, persecution, anxiety and then the glorious highs that DO come when agony is temporarily relieved with the feelings of ‘Thank God he does get it’, ‘He really does love me” and ‘Now the pain will stop’.

But of course these feelings of euphoric relief and release never lasted. They were simply the reprieve between the hills of the terrorising roller coaster.

Maybe we never realised that when we really ‘fell in love’ with the narcissist, something much more sinister was engendering our powerful feelings of love and attachment.

It seems ludicrous and insane to believe that someone treating you poorly could make you want them, love them, and attach you so powerfully….

…but it is OH so true…

Let’s find out WHY…


Trauma Bonding – Number 1 – Stockholm Syndrome

Stockholm syndrome has been widely documented, and proven to be a very real deal. The conditions of narcissistic abuse are ripe to create this phenomenon.

Firstly the victim feels that they cannot escape the relationship, this is for the reasons of not wanting to shatter the glorious dream of ‘what this relationship is meant to be’, the loss of lifestyle, finances, security, children’s wellbeing etc., or because of the very real threat of how disastrous life may become when trying to leave and inciting a narcissistic injury within the narcissist, which inevitably brings revenge and destruction.

Therefore, automatically the roles have become prisoner and persecutor. The prisoner’s wellbeing depends heavily on how the persecutor is treating her or him on a daily basis. The prisoner knows that there is a very real threat of cruelty and pain being inflicted by the narcissist, and therefore will try to minimalise the torture, by firstly focusing a great deal of attention on ‘the enemy’, and then trying to find a heartfelt connection with the narcissist to procure nicer treatment.

The narcissistic becomes the deliverer of good or bad treatment, and when good treatment comes, there is so much hope and relief that the pain is going to end that the victim focuses on the good times, and ‘conveniently’ numbs out the bad times – even dismissing them.

The good times are so much about relief, and I can breathe again, and the danger is over for now – that they feel like intense joy, love and appreciation.

Victims who suffer Stockholm syndrome within narcissistic abuse are significantly detached from the real world around them, and are instead enmeshed in the narcissist’s demand, emotions and tormented world.

This often happens as a result of self isolation preferred by the victim, regarding loss of self-esteem, deep inner shame, and the not wishing to confront the outer world which is full of questions regarding the victim’s apparent reclusive behaviour and disconnection from previous interests, friends and family – as well as, of course, the narcissist’s wrath for having any interests that don’t pertain to the narcissist.

Stockholm syndrome feels like ‘love’, as it is a deep attachment to another person for emotional and literal survival.

No different to a child trying to instinctively cling to, grant attention to, love and inspire kindness and security from an abusive parent.


Trauma Bonding – Number 2 – Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance occurs when there is tension created as a result of two opposing thoughts. A simple real life example is the thoughts ‘I want to stay home and relax, but I’d really like to meet up with friends tonight.’

In order for a person to be able to comfortably accept their choice without anxious feelings of having made the wrong decision (the lingering of inner shame) –a justification for the choice has to be created. Such as ‘It’s totally okay to honour myself, and not meet up tonight – I owe it to myself to relax. If I’m okay with that they will be too.’

In the case of narcissistic abuse, the thoughts of ‘This is abusive and unbearable and I need to get out of this relationship, are in total contrast with ‘I have to stay and make this work.’

In order to ease the inner anxiety of having made the wrong choice, justifications have to be fabricated to offset the inner knowing of horrific abuse.

These justifications are ‘stories’ such as ‘I know she loves me, and she’s doing her best – it’s just that she had a horrible childhood’, or ‘I know this relationship is meant to be, and I am going to stay and see it through’, or worse still ‘He really is a great guy, it’s me with all the problems, and I know I make him like this’, or ‘If I love him enough, I know I can heal him’ or ‘I’m the only person that understands her. I can’t leave her, it’s my duty to stay and love her with everything I have.’

In order to rectify the cognitive dissonance of narcissistic abuse, huge overcompensations of reasons to stay have to be created in order to offset the deep inner shame of accepting and enduring abuse.

These justifications have to be powerful enough to seem real to the victim, and they serve to create even greater feelings or attachment, devotion and love.


Trauma Bonding – Number 3 – Repetitive Compulsion Disorder

I have written before about this very real phenomenon in my eBooks, and it is definitely worth mentioning again as one of the key elements of trauma bonding.

Narcissists are unpredictable in nature. The dealing out of random and conflicting abuse and support creates heightened anxiety and addictive state within their victims.

The example I like to use to explain this disorder is what happens to lab rats when they have a button, which releases food pellets, that is set on ‘random’. Normally the rat knows how many times to push the button to receive his meal, and is very content with that.

However, when the button becomes unpredictable and unstable the rat goes into a frenzy pushing the button until the floor of the cage is littered with pellets. He is more interested in staying ‘hooked on’ pushing the button than attending to his own self care.

The rat is addicted to pushing the button (trying to get it to act predictably), just as a gambler is hooked to a poker machine, and just as a narcissistic abuse victim is hooked on trying to gain stable, sane, and safe behaviour from the narcissist.

When life is ‘dangerous’ with any hope of ‘relief’, our psychological and emotional survival wiring compels us to hang on, and put all our energy into finding relief from the danger. Manic fear and pain reigns until the euphoric relief of the situation presents.

If the button was re-set to a standard number of pushes the rat relaxes again, yet if the button was taken out of the cage, the rat would suffer survival panic.

If the addicted gambler wins a jackpot, she experiences temporary relief that she has won back her money lost, yet if she is removed from the poker machine before winning, she will find a way to get back to a machine as soon as possible.

If the narcissist attends to your needs, apologises and acts like he or she has reformed, you feel incredible relief and that you have been removed from the war-zone. Yet, when the narcissist leaves the scene and is no longer reassuring you, you suffer severe separation anxiety that can feel akin to a heroin addict deprived of the next fix.

Repetitive compulsion disorder creates intense addiction anxiety, which can only momentarily be relieved by ‘jackpots’, but never takes long for the anxiety to reach an intense peak again – and of course when we don’t know better, we think these feelings of I can’t live without you and I can’t think about anything but you are ‘love’.


Trauma Bonding – Number 4 – Peptide Addiction

With all of the survival fears, powerlessness and anxieties taking place, a great deal of neuro- peptides, resulting from your disturbed, fearful and unstable thoughts, are manufactured in your hypothalamus (chemical manufacturing plant of our brain) and are distributed into your blood stream and received by the cells of your body.

Our cells get addicted to the peptides they receive powerful doses of, and then physiologically we get addicted to getting more of these peptides, which the narcissist triggers within us regularly.

This creates feelings of I need his attention, I need his validation, I need his approval, I need his support, I need his love, I need him to provide me with some RELIEF and eventually just like a drug addict licking the crumbs off the lounge room rug, we will try to get any amount of the narcissist’s energy regardless of how damaging and soul destroying it is.

What we don’t realise, in our obsessive quest for relief, that it is the pain and intensity of the dramatic highs and lows that the cells of our body have become addicted to.

We have become a helpless addict, and our drug dealer is the narcissist. He or she is dispensing  regularly our body cells’ drug of choice – narcissistic abuse.

The thought of breaking away from the narcissist of course, at this level, feels unthinkable, and impossible to do.

And of course, we mistake it for ‘love’.


Trauma Bonding – Number 5 – Infantile Regression

In times of intense trauma it is common to regress back to your most instinctual learnt behaviour in order to try to survive. This is the clinging of a child to the ‘parent’ you believe is powerful and able to provide some sort of relief to the trauma at hand.

What happens when the closest person that you perceive as a source of support happens to be a cruel and abusive narcissist? The answer is ‘No difference’, because you have already formed powerful attachment and addiction bonds that want to create this person as your saviour.

By reading all the prior information on this blog – now you can understand why.

Infantile regression is powerful, unconscious and a primitive survival program that operates at the very core of your being. Your maturity and self-reliability goes out the window, and is replaced by utter childlike helplessness.

In this state you believe that you will literally die if you do not agree with the narcissist, take the blame, do anything to keep the peace, and grant everything the narcissist wants in the primitive hope that the onslaughts will stop and you will be allowed by the narcissist to avoid complete emotional annihilation.

Your rights are completely withdrawn by yourself and numbed out in your need for survival.

The perverse twist to this is that you have now surrendered your soul to the narcissist and idolised this person as ‘Your God’, who has the ultimate power to dictate your fate.

Then when the narcissist ‘allows’ you to exist again, your idolisation becomes the pathological survival belief: This person is the Creator of my world.

What greater illusion of ‘love’ could there ever be?

The truth about love that you need to travel towards is:

I am the creator of my world, and I am never reliant on any specific person being that creator for me.

When I am my own creator, I will reject what is not good to me, and add into my experience more of who I already am.

In order to do this your focus has to come off the narcissist, and on to yourself so that you may heal from the illusions.

– See more at: http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/trauma-bonding-is-it-love-or-something-else/?utm_source=New+Life&utm_campaign=6debd70a56-NL2012Apr23_WhyDidNarcissistSeemLikeToveOfOurLife&utm_medium=email#sthash.ioFz0jYI.dpuf