If I could recommend one article everyone should read to learn about domestic violence it would be the one I posted a couple of days ago, about empaths, apaths, and sociopaths. Here is the link https://ladywithatruck.com/2013/12/25/empaths-apaths-and-sociopaths/
There is a bit of confusion about what the difference is between psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists, there is talk about lumping all three under one heading because they all have one very important trait in common and that is the lack of a conscience and empathy. The article I am referring to calls them sociopaths. In my research I have read that psychopaths are born that way and sociopaths are turned into sociopaths by some traumatic event in their youth, but if that were the case a sociopath could be fixed and there is no evidence saying that it has ever happened. As for narcissists, it is healthy to have some narcissistic traits, we need them in order to have self confidence, and it seems to me there are varying levels of narcissism which makes narcissism rather ambiguous. All psychopaths and sociopaths are narcissistic but not all narcissists are psychopaths or sociopaths. Often people get stuck trying to define what their abuser is, as if they feel they have to justify leaving the person abusing them and can only do that if the person is labelled. The thing the victim seems to forget is that they are being abused and that is never ok no matter what name you give it. I think there are guys out there who are abusive and not a psychopath but no one should stay with an abuser, ever, it is never ok for another person to abuse you physically, mentally or financially. And you will never convince me that an abuser can change, not without extensive counselling and a deep desire to change and in the 3 years I have had this blog I have not had one person come in and say their N changed for the better. Personally I feel most, if not all abusive people are narcissistic and that if you can identify many of the narcissistic traits in a person you should run to the highest hill and not stick around until they prove to be psycho.
The reason I liked the above mentioned article so much is they deal with it in a little bit different way that made a lot of sense to me and gave me a few aha moments and that doesn’t happen to me very often after 3 years of researching narcissism and hearing hundreds of women and men tell the same story of abuse.
According to this article there are three types of people; empaths, apaths and sociopaths, (or conscienceless) I am going to call them N’s for the sake of brevity but we all know I am referring to those soul sucking bastards who feed off of others pain and destruction. When you think about it, it is pretty obvious how dangerous a person without empathy can be. Empathy is what makes it possible for us to relate to how another person feels; it makes us “toe the line” for lack of a better description; empathy gives us the ability to understand how our actions affect others and because of that most people adjust their behaviour accordingly. Without empathy there is nothing to stop a person from taking whatever they want when ever they want it.
Don’t let this confuse you into thinking they don’t know what they are doing so can not be held responsible for their actions. The N knows exactly what he is doing is wrong or hurtful, he is not stupid; he just doesn’t care. Remember, their whole existence relies on their ability to read people’s emotions so they know better than anyone the effect of their actions on people; that is why they do it. I can remember so many times saying to JC, “you just don’t give a shit”; long before I knew what he was. I used to say, “I know you aren’t stupid JC, so why can you not understand why you being with other women hurts me?”
If you find yourself explaining over and over again why you are hurt or angry and your partner just doesn’t seem to “get it” you are dealing with a person incapable of empathy.
At first with JC I really believed he was honest, I truly did not think he was capable of lying; why did I believe that he was so honest? because he told me he was, he seemed so shocked and hurt whenever he was accused of lying. I defended him like a lioness protects her cub, I stood up to everyone and anyone in defense of JC. I went toe to toe with his bosses, neighbors, and my family. I realize now that is one of the reasons he kept me around for so long, I was good for his reputation. I took on the role of damage control and I was so honest and adamant in my defense of him, people had to doubt their suspicions. Ironically, or I suppose part of his manipulation (because there isn’t much in the narcissist’s life that he doesn’t control and plan) the more he falsely accused me of shit the more I defended him and doubted my own suspicions. I knew how horrible it felt to be accused of something I hadn’t done that I didn’t want to do the same thing to him. I knew I hadn’t done what he was accusing me of so maybe I was wrong about what he was doing. See how twisted it gets after a while?
Why do we believe the N? because we believe he is a normal person like us and we know that most people when caught in a lie will admit to their lie, or at the very least act guilty, not be able to look you in the eye or give themselves away in some other way. But an N can look you right in the eye and tell a bald faced lie, swearing on a stack of bibles he is telling the truth and get totally indignant if you accuse him of lying.
He will make you an accomplice to your own abuse and the abuse of others.
How does he get you to help him destroy you, surely you would know what he was doing and not help him; that is insane. JC even told me that the best way to commit a crime is in broad daylight, because people can’t believe you would be that brazen. How did he do it?
An example: We were split at the time when I walked out to go to work one morning and saw him crawling out from under my truck, immediately I got that feeling in my gut and asked him what he was doing. He didn’t act the least bit like he had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar like a person with a conscience would, he didn’t stammer or seem flustered, all he said was, “Pop the hood”. and went to stand in front of my truck waiting. My gut was saying he was up to something but he interrupted my thoughts with, “Are you going to pop the hood?” I said I had to get going, I had a job waiting but he said, “It’ll just take a minute”. My mind was racing, I had no proof of anything, he was waiting and I did as I was told. He fiddled under the hood for a few minutes, had me start it, turn it off and on a few times, rev the engine etc and then slammed the hood and said, “Ok you’re good to go.” I asked what he was doing and he said something I didn’t understand because I am not mechanical and I went to work. When I went to leave my first job I had no brakes or steering, my brake line had “broken”. Coincidence? my gut told me no, but my empathy and penchant for being fair told me I was crazy to think he was capable of something like that, I could have died.
Now, N’s or the people without a conscience only make up about 5% of the population, yet they make up over 20% of the prison population and are 3 times more likely to reoffend. Those are staggering figures considering their superb acting abilities and reputation for being able to manipulate themselves out of sticky situations. Also there is a critical lack of understanding of psychopaths etc within the law enforcement sector.
Not only does the N use you to in your own destruction he recruits the unwitting help of the ampaths in the world. Apathy is almost worse than no compassion and one of the greatest tools at the narcissists disposal. Apaths can show empathy, they do have a conscience and can feel bad about hurting someone, its just that they are easily influenced and really when it comes right down to it they don’t care enough to investigate the situation, they tend to go with the flow and if the narcissist tells them things are a certain way they believe him because it sounds like it could be the truth and they don’t care enough to investigate if it is the truth. Apaths go with the majority, want to avoid any inconvenience to themselves, are easily coerced into supporting the N’s claims as fact because the narcissist strokes their ego, makes the person feel special in some way and that they are doing the “right” thing. Apaths are the people who love gossip and will happily spread a juicy rumor, they like the attention it gets them, it makes them look good by comparison and it pleases the N. Apathy is what empowered Hitler, apathy is the great enabler. Apaths are not concerned with justice and learning the facts; that would take time and there is no reward to them. An apath is not going to stand up to the masses and say “you are wrong”.
It only stands to reason that the real problem is not the psychopaths, a psychopath is powerless without the apathy that allows them to continue on their trail of destruction. In my own life I can come up with many examples of apaths unwittingly assisting JC, even my own parents. Apathy tends to blame the victim for their situation and doesn’t try to understand the victim’s situation. JC counted on this from my parents, he knew that if I went back to him they would disown me, a lot of people say that their parents will disown them but know that when it comes right down to it their parents will be there, but mine had shown they meant it and when JC came begging me back the last time knowing full well he had no intention of keeping his promises I said to him that if I went back to him my mom and step dad would disown me and he acknowledged he knew I was right. I, being an empath thought, “who would lie about loving someone and wanting to be with them forever if they knew that the consequence to the other person would be losing their family’s support, especially since they had full intentions of deserting the person? You and I would never think of lying to someone about loving them let alone allow they to lose their family because of my lies. But a psychopath thinks nothing of it, no; wait, I am wrong, he DOES think about it, he is laughing to himself and patting himself on the back for his brilliance at manipulating his victim’s support system into being his most powerful weapon. From that day on every time we had a fight I heard, “What are you going to do? where are you going to go? why don’t you call your mother?” and he would get that smirk, turn his back to me and walk away. It was one of his favorite ways to disempower me. If I was feeling strong and defiant a simple reference to the lack of support and understanding from my family immediately deflated me.
The psychopath learns as he goes, JC studied the human mind, he was always reading about mind control, different personalities and of course every relationship he was in was an education in human behaviour. You see, they are capable of learning from their mistakes but they don’t do it in order to not hurt people, they learn in order to use it against their victims to get what they want. My parents didn’t see they were playing into his game and felt they were right to “punish” me for being so stupid to go back to him, my mom has come a long way since I left JC, I know she loves me and always has but she really did not understand that when she turned her back on me she actually handed me to JC on a silver platter, gave him exactly what he wanted and put me in extreme danger. JC’s actions would not have had the power they did without the collaboration of my parents. What gives the narcissist power is the apathy of others.
JC counted on the fact that most people will take things at face value, most people do not dig for the truth, they don’t care enough to take the time to get to the truth, people tend to take the easy road. Apaths make up 60% of the population.
Empaths have always been viewed as “weak” by society, and often told they are too sensitive but according to this article they are actually emotionally advanced and tend to go on their “feelings” and are more in tune with their own feelings and the feelings of others. The ability to sense when something is amiss is what eventually makes the victim feel they are going crazy, they feel something is wrong, but the N denies it adamantly and the rest of society seems oblivious so they start to doubt themselves. They also tend to stick it out longer than an apath would because they need proof whereas an apath will go with the majority opinion. If the empath is with the N long enough they end up shutting down completely in an attempt at self preservation.
N’s are famous for giving just enough information to appear innocent and apaths are quick to accept anything that appears believable and will take it even further by perpetuating the N’s lies. JC rarely yelled or show emotion of any kind after his mask dropped, his tactics were very covert, quietly saying things to draw the victim into an argument and then walking away, driving the victim insane by denying the obvious, making false accusations and not allowing the victim to defend themselves. The only thing the neighbors see and hear are the victim crying, yelling, pleading and generally looking like the psycho the N says she is. To the outside world he acts like the victim is his greatest love and he is the abused misunderstood soul who just can’t please her. People tell him he needs to stand up for himself and not let her walk all over him, the N always presents the image of the victim and by the time he leaves the relationship he has everyone feeling sorry for him yet behind closed doors at home he treats the victim with loathing and the victim feels anything but loved.
Remember the N is always the victim.
The first time I finally got up the nerve to tell someone what was going on behind closed doors I told a good girl friend in the park about how I thought JC hated me, she was shocked and told me that he only ever talked very highly of me. She knew he really loved me, he always bragged about my cooking and how happy he was and she had seen him bringing flowers home to me. I never told anyone about anything after that because it just made me look foolish. The N is anything but stupid.
N’s are very vindictive and vengeful but rarely let it show. they can wait years to get revenge and are passive aggressive, again, something almost impossible to nail on him. Years ago when JC was with a woman named Tina, the mother of his son, she had an ex boyfriend who was coming around and JC didn’t like it of course so he had to come up with some way of discrediting this ex boyfriend. Now a vengeful person might put sugar in the boyfriends gas tank but no, JC put the sugar in his own gas tank and then accused the boyfriend of doing it. Of course everyone is thinking, “Who the hell would ruin their own car by putting sugar in the tank?” JC told me about the incident when we first started dating and told me that Tina had helped him clean out his gas tank but his car never ran right after that. I had no reason to disbelieve his story until his son came to live with us, then one day his son said something I didn’t hear but JC was immediately defensive and said, “Did your mom tell you he didn’t put sugar in my tank? She was the one that helped me clean the tank, she knows he did it.” All of sudden I had an epiphany, “just because there was sugar in his tank and Tina helped clean it out does not prove the guy put the sugar in.”
JC used to bitch profusely about me not working, even though he disabled my car so I couldn’t drive to look for work and passworded me out of the computer so I couldn’t use the internet, so when we split and I started hauling scrap I made sure to always pay my way in hopes of ending that argument. He could no longer complain he was packing the load. So when he started to bitch about having to do the repairs on my truck any one listening would feel sorry for him, they could see with their own eyes him working on my truck and why on earth would he purposely do things to it so he would have to fix it? I have had people look at me with disbelief and say, “Why on earth would he sabotage your truck, you could have been out making money, it was in his best interest for you to be working.” Yes it was, and it made me doubt what my gut was telling me, it didn’t make sense.
When things don’t make sense, you are dealing with a psychopath.
When we split and he went to Africa I did very well on my own, I paid for my own truck repairs and was paying my rent by myself and always had $500 in my purse and money in the bank, any given day my son could call and need money and I could send him a couple hundred, There was nothing I did without, if I needed something I bought it. I had been on my own for quite awhile and had been maintaining my truck on my own, paying for a shop to do the necessary repairs (and there were a lot less repairs with JC not around) so when he came to me begging me to take him back he mentioned he didn’t want to be responsible for doing the repairs on my truck and I agreed. I was doing it on my own, I didn’t need his help and it that was the main issue I was happy to oblige. I, of course do not think like a psychopath so didn’t consider that he might get up in the middle of the night and sabotage my truck.
I don’t think he was counting on me being as self sufficient as I was because it took him two years to accomplish his goal of destroying my business. At first I had the money to do the repairs, then I had the backing of customers who allowed me to charge my repairs, then Amix lent me $2000 that I paid back, then they lent me another $2000, he had been working so hard disabling my truck it got so that there was not one week that it ran for 5 days straight. It was a diesel truck so had to be plugged in at night for it to start the next morning, time after time it would be unplugged when I went out in the morning and JC would shrug and say he didn’t know anything about the extension cord being unplugged. Then it wouldn’t start even though it had been plugged in, I went so far as to go to the battery shop and spend over $300 buying two new batteries, all new connections and wiring to ensure my truck would start. Within a month my truck wasn’t starting again, my posts were loose, my wires worn through and my batteries didn’t match any more but of course JC told me I was crazy to think he did anything. I didn’t know how to prove it and that is when his sister marked the batteries with a felt pen and sure enough the next morning the battery with the mark on it was not under the hood. When you are alone with the N you do doubt what you are seeing with your own eyes because what they do doesn’t make sense. Why would he make me miss work? it was money out of his pocket too. It still blows my mind that the only possible reason for him to do it was to destroy me and my business. why? that is why people, apaths, don’t believe you because it doesn’t make sense.
It was inevitable that sooner or later I would run out of resources and be reliant on his help and that is when he was rewarded for his efforts, and the true torture began. He would promise the fix my truck on the weekend and then not do it. I thought I would go insane. I can’t describe the feeling, I thought I would explode, I had to numb myself, I had to or die. Every day wondering if my truck would start, and then when it didn’t having to wait for JC to fix it, having it run for a day or two and then break down again, have him promise to fix it and go weeks, literally weeks, months waiting for him to do it, not able to get angry with him because then for sure he wouldn’t fix it. I was stuck, him telling me to get the hell out, my truck broken down and no money to fix it. I get a sick feeling in my stomach just thinking about it, it was quite literally torture and he was determined to destroy me and I was helpless to stop him. He projected himself as the good guy whose only concern was trying to keep my truck running and I was the inconsiderate bitch that was never happy and was busting his balls to make more money. To this day he says he never got to sleep at night because he was up all night fixing my truck, that I laid around the house waiting for him to come home with booze, cigarettes, drugs and Tim Hortons and bitching when he didn’t bring me enough of each. No one questioned why he had to keep working on my truck if he was the expert mechanic he always professes to be. He brags that he can fix anything and he can, so why did my truck sit in the driveway for months not running. If I didn’t want to work why did I pay people to drive me around picking up my scrap? OK I get it that his new woman and friends have no way of knowing what I was doing or not doing, but you would think that some one with half a brain would eventually go, “hold it, the truck wad only worth $10,000, and he is saying he put $10,000 into it. He says he is such a good mechanic why was the truck never running?” It doesn’t make sense. The people who knows me and have listened to him have come to me in his defense and I easily proved he was lying. I left the relationship with repairs bills at two shops, owing $5000 to his step dad for truck repairs and a truck that was not running. yet he tells everyone, including me that he did everything within his power to ‘help” me get on my feet when we split. I will never forget the night he called me and said he had to change the tranny fluid on my truck and to meet him at the Kal Tire in Langley. I fully expected to be waiting for hours but he was there when I got there, with a sub sandwich for me. I thought, “maybe he is really trying”.
Beware of an N bearing gifts.
He “worked” on my truck for a couple of hours and when he was done it wouldn’t go more than 5 miles an hour. He said, “I have to go to work in the morning, if you have trouble give me a call.” I told him I couldn’t make it home with the truck running that way. He just left, the truck would barely move and I called and called and he didn’t answer. It took me hours but I finally made it about 3/4 of the way home when I was faced with a slight hill, no matter how I tried the truck would not go up the hill and would power out half way up. Finally a cop stopped to see what the problem was. He was a nice guy and let me try a few more times and then said he had to get it towed, it was a hazard to leave parked on the side of the road. I didn’t have the money for a tow truck (which JC knew) so the truck got impounded by the tow yard until the bill was paid.
I called JC the next morning and he acted so sorry, didn’t know how on earth he missed my calls and promised to pay the charges on payday. It was just before Christmas 2010, I was broke, and had no choice but to pray he meant it. Payday came and went and then he denied ever saying he would pay to get it out. After a month with the charges now almost $1000 I was going to lose my truck and he called to say he had a friend who would buy my truck for the charges out standing on the truck. Seeing as I was going to lose the truck anyway, and I might be able to get a few hundred for myself. The light bulb went on……….he had always liked my truck and it was nicer than his, I knew he always wanted it and had suspected he would somehow get it for himself. When he came up with a figure of over $10,000 for repairs on it I figured he thought I would sign the truck over to him because that is all the truck was worth. But I refused. I knew now that if I did the deal with his “buddy” I would see JC driving it within a week. I told him hell would freeze over before I sold the truck to any friend of his.
I called his step dad and told him I was going to lose the truck, he was surprised, he said JC would never let that happen after all the work he had put into it. I said, “Its happening.” His step dad said he’d get back to me. He called an hour later and said he was taking the ferry the next day, picking JC up on his way to Abbotsford to pick me up and we were going to get my truck. Which we did and I am sure JC was fuming inside, but he never let it show. I had thwarted his plan. Another reason for him to want revenge.
With these people you can not win. If you allow them to use you, you lose. If you refuse to allow them to get their way, they seek revenge and ………..you lose.
When the victim is upset by the lies the N is telling about her other people say, “Who cares what he says, forget about him.” But if you have been in a relationship with an N you know how damaging his lies can be. He knows that all he has to do is tell a few key people a few lies about you, sit back and watch the apaths do his dirty work. He knows that if a lie is told often enough eventually it becomes fact in everyone’s eyes.
So often the new woman is terribly cruel to the ex partner and acts like a narcissist themselves, but in actual fact they are probably an apath; capable of empathy but easily influenced by the N’s charms and not really concerned with justice or getting to the truth. He has played to victim and “confided” in her how he is so ashamed he allowed himself to be so weak to abused by his ex, he started telling her that she was so understanding, not like his ex, he can talk to her. She is so complimented and feels so special and superior to the other woman she is hell bent on rubbing the ex’s nose in how perfect she is for the N. Again he sits back and just marvels in his ability to get others to do his bidding. An empath would be unlikely to play into that role for the N, but an apath would soak it up and revel in her role as the superior partner for the N.
I don’t think anyone ever figures out exactly how an N’s mind works but I have had snippets revealed to me that has helped me get over him. One is after we split and he showed up on my doorstep wanting to “help me be successful like him because I was one of his people” and one day I would realize how much he cares for me. I had said no thanks. But he had insisted I let things “play out” that no one knows what the future holds, oh I knew alright, I had been reliving the past for 10 years and now he was involved with someone else and I was supposed to hang on as a groupie making M feel insecure and giving him more opportunity to hurt me. Yeah, really?
While he was there he told me his ex (two exs removed) had died and he managed to squeeze out a few tears and said, “I don’t know why I am crying, we have been apart for years”. I offered up, “Because you ruined her life?” he had his script rehearsed and he had not rehearsed a response to that so said nothing. Then looked at me with that smirk and said, “She sure hated you.” I asked why, she didn’t even know me, we had never met. He quite matter of factly said because we were so happy and lasted 10 years. I was obviously surprised by that and asked him, “We were happy? you were happy?” He shrugged and said, “Well yeah” and I just said, “You could have fooled me.” But it struck me then that he must have projected to her that he was so happy with me just to hurt her and drive her crazy. So I know, no matter what he says, no matter how he makes things look, I know the truth and I have not seen one bit of evidence that he has changed, in fact he is so on target to what I thought was going to happen I am even surprised at how right I was.
If it wasn’t so sick I would be in awe of how slick he was, I know exactly what he has done. He got me fired by telling lies and the people at CCon, in typical apath fashion took him at his word not questioning why I would sit at a gas station in broad daylight doing drugs and drinking when I lived 5 minutes away, (I would bet money that that is what happened to him and the reason he lost one of his jobs, that’s what gave him the idea) the letter he handed to me in front of Marisa saying to leave him alone and never contact him again when I didn’t even know his phone number and he had been the one contacting me, the blogs he started accusing me of trying to ruin his life; saying he feared what I would do in revenge for him rejecting me, all a huge orchestrated plan to get what he wanted and it worked.
You can bet that I am the scape goat for everything that goes wrong in JC’s life. This man purposely crashed his truck to get the insurance money, purposely injured himself for attention and I have no doubt he would key his own vehicle or hers and say it was me just to make her believe I was stalking them and they had to move to get away from me. It is a lot easier to believe I would key his vehicle than to believe he would key his own vehicle. I know for sure he forged my signature before and altered court documents so I know he is capable of anything. He would have blamed me for every time he got fired and said he had to get work out of town, he would blame his moods on me ruining “their life” He would have cried saying it was so unfair that he finally finds true love and I am ruining it. If they could move away and start over just the two of them everything would be perfect. And sure enough he got her to sell her house.
He is now learning to stand up for himself so she should understand why he is unreasonable some times, he has let so many women, namely Carrie walk all over him and he thought she was different than all the others. That is a very popular form of manipulation. Statements like I thought you were different, I thought our love was stronger than that, I thought you were understanding, I thought you wanted me to be happy. It challenges the person and it works every time.
Same as handing over money, it is human nature, you see it with gamblers all the time. They have lost a ton of money but keep gambling thinking they can recoup their losses. As it is with the N, they get you to lend them money, don’t pay you back but come up with some other investment that if you give them more money you will recoup all your money back. Or in the case of JC and M, he owed her $20,000, if she sold her house and they bought a bigger home with land than he could pay the mortgage and they would be equal partners. Except he can never hold a job down, but now that I am out of the picture that will change; by the time she figures out she has been duped its too late, she is in partnership with the devil with no way out except to lose everything she has. Another victim. And you can bet he is telling everyone who will listen how much he loves her, and behind closed doors she is dying inside because she doesn’t know how she got into this mess and now has no way out.
It can take years for their motives and plans to come to fruition. I never understood why JC started a fight with me in front of my son when we first moved in together, not until years later. He knew he was going to hit me long before he ever did it. He picked the fight with me to make Kris angry knowing Kris would defend me. Kris did exactly what JC expected he would, told JC that if he ever hurt me he would kill him. JC immediately called the police and said Kris uttered threats and he was afraid what Kris would do. It was insane, even the cop agreed with me that it was a normal thing for a teenage boy to defend his mother and he refused to even come out to the house. JC had called the cops not thinking I would pick up the extension in the house. It still didn’t make sense to me why he would want to put a wedge between him and Kris, even if he did plan on abusing me. Until the night he ambushed Kris and I and on his statement he said that there was a history of Kris threatening him and he was acting in self defense.
That is a criminal mind, how can an average citizen ever suspect something like that? and that is how he gets apaths to act as accomplices, and empaths to question their own sanity. If you catch yourself thinking, “who would do something like that, I must be wrong” You are dealing with a psychopath,
This has gotten a lot longer than I had planned. I wanted to show that you can believe NOTHING these people say or do; the only thing you can be sure of is; nothing is as it appears, and they never do anything that doesn’t benefit them in some way.
Do me a favor and read the article, photo copy it and give it to friends, to people you don’t know, maybe if we can make enough people aware of their tactics we can disempower them.