Tag Archives: Trust

After I got my truck I thought it was meant to be that I be self employed somehow with my truck but the one thing I vowed NOT to do was haul scrap. JC had hauled scrap, most of which he acquired in the middle of the night and I knew of no one who did it honestly. I had landscaping experience, delivery experience but I had purposely not paid attention to JC hauling scrap because I didn’t approve and people didn’t refer to me as a “girly girl” for nothing. Even delivering for the auto scrap yard I changed clothes 3 times a day because I hated being dirty.

But as luck (or God) would have it the only work I got offered was scrap hauling, cleaning up farms, etc and the reason I got the jobs was because I was honest and people trusted me on their property. I never advertised but my business grew by leaps and bounds just from word of mouth. A fellow gave me a hand pump crane for my truck and then one day I was loading a heavy rear end off of a truck and no matter how hard I pumped that crane the rear end would not come off the ground. I looked up and the crane was bending with the weight. There was a fellow standing there watching and laughing, he said, “You need a decent winch and crane.”

Me – Yeah I do, are you going to buy it for me?

Him – No, I am going to GIVE it to you. It was given to me and I can’t use it.

It was a winch and crane worth probably $2000, the winch didn’t work and it cost me $75 to fix. I had that crane and winch right up to the day I sold my F550, it made me a ton of money and made my job a hundred times easier.

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I started hauling scrap in 2006 and like I said the work came to me and I did well, JC and I were off and on but through this time I was able to pay rent and live comfortably whereas when I was with JC we always ended up living in some ghetto dive. I would let him stay with me and he loved the attention dating the Lady Witha Truck got him. He would appear very supportive and then sabotage my truck behind my back, it kept me needing him but self supporting and bringing home car parts etc that he often took off my truck. God protected me through it all, twice my brake line “wore through” on my F550, and both times I had seen JC under my truck that morning, driven to the job site and when I went to leave I didn’t have brakes or steering. (With my truck if the brake line broke you lost your steering also) it is nothing but a miracle that the line didn’t let go while I was driving down the road, what are the odds that a brake line would let go twice in 2 years and neither time was I going down the highway or down a hill?

I had a flawless reputation in the community which worked in his favor also; there was a lot of benefits to JC having me in his life and he used it every way he could. I got preferred rates from different businesses I dealt with. Whereas his step dad used to call JC to get deals, he started calling me because I had better contacts, JC used my contacts, I had his sister work for me and then his son, JC used to offer people he knew jobs working for me then I would have to turn them down, so he would look like the good guy. What God provided JC took away. One incident of this happened about a year before we split. the insurance on my truck was $268 a month, one month just before Christmas we were broke, he had a semi and trailer but hadn’t worked in a couple of months. He was expecting to borrow money from his step dad so I said we could use my insurance money for groceries as long as I got it back when he got his money. I should have known better but we were “trying again” and I was working in good faith.  When he got his money he refused to give me the money for my insurance and the payment bounced. I called the insurance company and they said they would just take two payments the next month, but the next month there were service charges attached and they wanted two payments so they tried to take over $600 which bounced again. Now I owed over $700. I prayed about it and within 2 days I got a call from an old customer saying he was moving his shop and needed me to haul away a bunch of scrap. I got there and not only did he have scrap he had probably a dozen good engines. I took the engines to Vancouver Core who bought engine cores at a better price than scrap and they told me they would give me $500 for 8 of the engines, the rest of the engines and the car parts I had on the truck would have easily come to another $300. It was an answer to my prayers, exactly enough to pay my insurance and service charges up to date. JC saw the engines and immediately said I could get more selling them to a private buyer. I explained that Vancouver core was guaranteed money and my only concern was paying my insurance but he made some phone calls and said he had a buddy who would buy all the engines and I would get at least $1000 for the engines and parts. Initially I told him no, but as you know you don’t say no to a narcissist. He kept saying how dumb I was to not take the better price, I finally told him OK but to tell his friend that I had to have cash in hand that night, no paying later or trading for something; I had to have the cash. I made sure I was very clear and said it calmly and clearly that I had to have that money the next night.

JC’s friend lived in the backwoods of Mission so two days before my insurance was due we drove out there with the engines. I was confident I was going to get my money because I had asked JC so many times if he had told the guy I had to have cash in hand that night and he assured me the guy knew. I bought us supper and of course there was the cost of fuel to get there. It was raining, and there were 3 guys there, all pretty drunk so I told JC I would wait in the truck. It took an hour or so and they unloaded all the engines and most of the antique car parts. JC got a transmission off the guy for part payment which was fine with me, as long as I got the $750 for my insurance. As we were pulling away I asked for my money and he said the guy would pay me the next day. I knew I was not going to see that money, and I never did……………..after we split JC made sure to tell me that he was going to visit the guy; then I knew for sure he had set me up. What God had given JC took away.

I guess I should backtrack a bit here as I have gotten ahead of myself.

If we step back a year or two. JC had gone to Africa and when he came back I found out he had gotten “engaged” to an African woman and was telling her he was going to bring her to Canada, he continued to have personal ads and he also told me he had malaria. My mom had called me saying that my step dad and her wanted me to have some security so they were going to give me my inheritance early and buy me a mobile home. As it turned out they weren’t buying me a mobile home but willing to carry the mortgage on it and I was to pay them back with interest, which was fine with me. I found a beautiful double wide and moved in, JC came by to visit but I wouldn’t allow him to stay the night, it was done for me. he was living in his truck and I really didn’t care. He went to Red Deer and I actually started to date again, a younger man who had been flirting with me for years asked me out and I went. I didn’t have furniture but whatever I needed came to me wihtin hours. All I had to do was think, “I need a TV” and that day in my travels with work I would find a TV on the side of the road with a “Working Free” sign on it. If I needed a couch, that day I would find a couch, and not a ratty couch but a nice couch. Within a couple of weeks I had fully furnished a two bedroom mobile home with a full dining room suite, kitchen table, two bed rooms fully furnished. The economy tanked about 6 months later but I was able to keep my head above water. Every morning I would pray to make a certain amount of money and that is what I would make that day. For example, one day I needed to make $500 in order to meet my mortgage payment on time. I prayed in the morning for $500 and just believed I would make it but as the day went on my hopes faded. There was no scrap anywhere, I had nothing on my truck and I felt the panic growing. I had one more customer to check and they had a 45 gal drum of scrap, maybe a couple hundred dollars worth but I ran it into Surrey anyway, it was better than nothing. The scrap yard was used to me flying through the gate 10 minutes to closing and I didn’t let them down that day. They unload you with a magnet Imageand when they pulled the load off a bunch of it stayed behind, all these square pieces of what looked like steel but it wasn’t magnetic. (steel is magnetic, nonferrous metals such as copper, brass, aluminum and stainless steel are not magnetic, at that time steel was worth $.10/lb.  I went in the office and got a cheque for $157, I was so let down, I was sure God would come through for me, he had never let me down, but it was 5 minutes to closing and there was no way I was going to make enough money that day. As I was leaving I asked if I could unload the non ferrous on my truck and Steve the manager told me to go ahead he’d stay late. We unloaded the pile of nonmagnetic pieces and I went in the office while Steve figured out what it was worth.

Steve- You’re going to like this total

Me – Why what was it?

Steve – It was all 306 Stainless, worth $1 a lb.

The total came to $343, and it was 5:05. I had made my $500.

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( My F550 on a real money making day)

It is possible to do more than survive a narcissist, with God anything is possible. Even a “girlie girl” hauling scrap metal.

Lying and Wishful Thinking

When I found out JC had moved in with another woman the thing that hit me hardest was; now he was lying to her. Crazy thinking I know but I had clung to those lies for so many years, they gave me hope, were the base for my wishful thinking; without those lies I had to face the truth.

The truth was ugly and I had been avoiding it with a vengeance for at least the last 2 years. The last few years I used to pray he would lie to me, tell me any feeble lie, just anything at all!! so I could lie to myself.

The nights he didn’t come home and didn’t answer his phone I didn’t pace the house any more, I didn’t fly into a rage, I was numb, I just prayed he’d tell me a lie. I had stopped snooping on his phone and lap top because I knew I wouldn’t leave no matter what I found and it only hurt. There was no point in me demanding to know where he was because he would just blame me somehow and he wouldn’t ever tell me the truth….I realized after he did tell me the truth how dependent I was on his lies to get by.

When he gleefully informed me he had moved in with a woman (the day after telling me he loved me) and she was everything I wasn’t, rational, easy to talk to, and he didn’t have to lie to her because she was so understanding and calm, I lost it. I begged him to not do this, I am not proud of it, I have never grovelled in my life but I grovelled, I pleaded, I sent text message one right after the other without a reply from him, I sent emails, one 14 pages long. I look back over my journals and can’t believe how pitiful I was, not an ounce of pride. I was naked, raw, reduced to a snivelling, whimpering shell of a woman and he was laughing, rubbing salt in my wounds, it would have been less painful if he’d kicked me in the guts with steel toes boots on. I felt like I was clinging to the cliff of my sanity and he was stepping on my fingers one by one and laughing.

At night I relived the day time horrors, dreaming of him with another woman, laughing, holding her and both of them laughing at me. I was so hurt I wanted to scream at him for being such a cold hearted bastard but then he called me his psycho ex and pointed his finger saying to the new woman, “See? she’s nuts, she a suicidal psycho bitch that held me hostage with her threats of suicide and manipulated me with guilt. I am so happy |I found you, YOU are rational, I can talk to YOU, YOU are so much better than her, YOU have given me the strength to leave her, YOU saved me from a life of hell.” OH how smug she was. Lending him her car to drive, her telling him how to deal with me, her doing his finances and controlling the money and helping him organize his life that I had screwed up. I often wonder how smug she is now. haha, not so smug any more I bet. Well I know she isn’t. I know what she is clinging to now, she is clinging to hope and his lies.

Every time he loses another job she is explaining to him that taking something that doesn’t belong to you is stealing and will get you fired. She is explaining to him that when he doesn’t come home at night she worries about him and he should call. She is crying and trying to explain why she was gutted to find that love letter to another woman. And she is clinging to his lies, praying he tells her a good enough lie that she can believe he has changed and will stop hurting her. She doesn’t deserve to be treated with such disrespect. He will tell her she is too hard on herself, she should be confident enough that him looking for other women doesn’t affect her moods. If she wasn’t so moody and sensitive he wouldn’t look else where.

It was easy to take the blame, it was easier than leaving, it was easier to believe unbelievable lies than to face the truth. I know what she is clinging to, I know what she is praying and hoping for. The only question is how long will she last? because he won’t leave on his own even if she demands him to leave but then one day there will b e a note and he will say he is gone, he can’t take her erratic behaviour any more or her warped views and he will always love her and doesn’t know how he will live without her but he must go. He won’t call for a few days and then he’ll show up at the door looking so sad and lonely, so sorry and he will cry and she will be so happy to see him and he will tell her all those wonderful lies that I heard so many times but are new to her and she will fall in love with him all over again and he will pack her into the bedroom and she will cling to him, his lies and hope.

eventually she will be me, grovelling, pleading with him to lie to her, just don’t leave but he will and then she will remember being smug and I will forgive her because she is no better than me, no worse than me, she is just another victim of wishful thinking.

I don’t miss the lies any more, I finally stopped wishing, and hoping but I do remember how good it felt. It was like an addict getting their fix, doubled over with pain and then the pusher sticks the needle in your arm and the relief washes over your body and you think as long as you can keep getting that fix you will be ok, its better than going through withdrawal. But as with any addict, eventually it doesn’t work any more.

As with any addiction, it may hurt in the beginning and it may be minute by minute day by day but once you have been away from it for awhile the urges lessen, your head gets clearer, you realize you were lying to yourself and you start living honestly. You know that there is no such thing as “doing just a little” or “I’lll  just have one cigarette” you know that if you go any where near your drug you will fall right back into your old ways. You start to do healthy things to occupy your time, and after a while you remember how good healthy feels and you never want to go  back again, but you will always remember how good that rush felt, even though you won’t go there again. It is ok to remember that rush because next time you will recognize it and know how addicting it can be and hopefully you will walk away.

I have quit drinking, and I have quit smoking (many times) quiting was never the problem, it was staying quit. There was always the temptation to “Just have a puff” or “Just call to see how he is doing” you can always come up with some reason you should call him, or text, some reason to just hear his voice. That is why no contact is so important. To be in contact is playing with fire, you WILL get burned.