Tag Archives: Valentines day

Answer To The One Question That Plagues Every Victim Of A Narcissist

dysfunctonal

With Valentine’s Day tomorrow I am sure there are more than a couple people here second guessing their relationship with the narcissist, or whether the N was a narcissist at all. If they are stalking the N’s social media and talking to friends or still communicating with the narc; they no doubt are being fed info designed to make them doubt themselves and the dynamics of the whole relationship.

If they are managing to truly stay no contact; then they are imagining all the wonderful things the narcissist is doing for the new woman. AND if you aren’t doing these things, you are a better person than I was for the first couple of years. I had a constant dialogue going on in my head. I would allow my inner demons convince me that “if only” I had done this or that I would be the one in his arms right now; then the realistic, rational me would argue with my critical self and eventually the rational me would win over, but it was a lengthy and tiring battle for several years.

just the way I am

One of the main reasons victims of a narcissist stick around as long as they do is because they are living on the hope that the narcissist will return to the man they fell in love with. They have invested so much time and effort into the relationship; years of explaining why they get angry, how important honesty is in a relationship, why it hurts when he has personal ads and they are afraid the minute they dump his sorry ass he will “get it” and some other woman will benefit from all their hard work.

When the relationship finally ends, he immediately finds the “love of his life”, she is perfect and the victim is the one who made his life hell. More than likely friends were lost because he slandered the victim.

If you were smart, you went no contact, stopped checking his FaceBook and dumped any friends who remained friends with both of you (because, let’s be frank here; he was abusive and treated you like crap on the sole of his shoe; (the only soul he has) If they can remain friends with him, they are not friends of yours.)so you have no idea if he is still ecstatically happy or not. You would love to know that she got the same treatment as you and he hadn’t changed at all.

bat shit crazy

Well, I am here to tell you, HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF, toxic behavior such as what the narcissist displayed does not just come and go depending on who the person is involved with. A healthy person does not turn into an asshole because of the person they are involved with.

I can hear you all saying that you weren’t perfect and you did things you are not proud of while you were with him.  I hear ya! I did things I had never done before, I had total melt downs, became a screaming crazy woman at times, I was suspicious of everything and had never been a jealous person. Once when I found another personal ad I keyed his truck in a fit or rage. At times I felt I had lost my ability to think rationally or deal with emotions in a healthy way. Nothing will make a person lose their ability to remain calm and rational faster than knowing you have caught him red handed yet totally deny it or worse, blame you. Or when you have spent days planning what you are going to say, choosing your words with utmost care, cautiously picking a  time when he won’t be tired, rehearsing what you will say, making sure to control your tone of voice so as not to be accused of “screaming” or raising your voice; only to have him totally twist your words, change the subject to something you did wrong 5 years ago, simply ignore you or end up storming out and you end up apologizing once again.

just denyword salad

Come on; who wouldn’t eventually crack and act crazy.

If you are honest with yourself, what you thought was the most healthy connection you have ever had in your life; the person who you felt knew you better than anyone else on earth and STILL loved you unconditionally, turned into the most bizarre experience of your life, you entered the twilight zone, you were put on a roller coast ride through the house of horrors and you didn’t have a clue how you got there and certainly didn’t have a clue how to get off the ride.

I am happy to inform you that in the past week I have had 3 separate confirmations that they do not change.

  1. Some of you will remember when I started to date the mechanic at work (lets call him Chuck) and he turned out to be a narcissist. It was not crushing for me because I know what to look for and had suspected it almost from the beginning. In fact it was reassuring to know my gut had been right and when the time came I was able to walk away without a backwards glance. That is not to say I didn’t have my moments of self doubt, it is only human; and by the way; what separates us from the narcissists in the world.

    Anyway……… I was on Facebook recently and noticed on a friend’s FB that a woman was slagging Chuck. She was obviously hurting so I went to her FaceBook and discovered they had been living together for over a year and he had brought a woman home to her house and had been staying out all night, you know; all the typical stuff. I decided to PM her through FB and suggested she might be interested in reading my blog. She messaged back and asked me about him and I simply told her that I had dated him briefly and knew for a fact that he screws around on every woman he has ever been with.

    She came back to me a few days later and said she had asked him about me and he had told her that I had chased him, that he had not been the least bit interested and turned me down flat and I had been a vindictive bitch because he rejected me. I felt a fleeting urge to defend myself and make her believe me. But then I thought to myself, I really do not want to get into the middle of a “he said, she said drama”;  it really does not matter to me. I told her that I didn’t care if she believed me or not, that I had contacted her in order to let her know she wasn’t alone and I really didn’t want to get involved in their relationship. If she needed to know what she was dealing with she could read my website. I was sure she would be shocked at how similar her relationship was to every other victim of a narcissist. I have a sneaky suspicion that she went back to him. I also suspect she will be visiting my blog.

     I recently changed my phone number and sent the number to my contact list and I heard from an old girlfriend who has been staying with a friend for 5 days because her abusive boy friend almost killed her (again) and the neighbors called the police. I was supportive but secretly fear she will go back again and stand by him when he goes to court. I fear she is in so deep she won’t ever get out. I listen to her and hear myself 6 years ago and wonder how I ever got in that deep because I will be honest I recently checked out his FaceBook after years of no contact and I can not for the life of me figure out why I thought he was so sexy or why I thought I couldn’t live without him.

  2. About a week ago I got a Messenger pm from a girl who dated a good friend (Ben), of James and I. I had stopped talking to Ben because he tried to remain friends with James and I. I tried my best to be mature and ok with it but it hurt to hear about James and how happy he was with Marisa and how nice Marisa was.
    Why do friends think the victim wants to hear that shit? Ben and I met for dinner one day and he started to “verify” facts he had heard from James. I was not going to defend myself to James’s lies and I felt a true friend should know me well enough to not even question me. That was the last time we talked.

    One of the first things this girl asked me was, “Where are you living now?”
    Bells and whistles started going off in my head. 

    A day and 1/2 went by before I messaged her back, “It is great to hear from you but I unfortunately I found out the hard way not to give out personal information to anyone from my past who knows James.” She apologized and said she hadn’t seen James in ages. We exchanged a couple of messages over 2 days and I haven’t heard anything more. She did say that the last time she talked to Ben he had told her that James was “really messed up and lost”.

    I was so tempted to ask what “messed up and lost” meant, but I didn’t want to know THAT badly.

    Why didn’t I want to know all the sordid details? because, believe it or not; I don’t care.

    Five years out of the relationship I will gladly spend Valentine’s Day sleeping in my car, in Tim Horton’s parking lot and not have one moment of self doubt or fantasizing about how good it could have been “if only”.

    I finally “get it” and you will too one day. One day, maybe one year, maybe 3 or 5 years from now you will know in all certainty that you were in bed with a very sick and twisted man and he will never be any different.

 So I just want to say happy vdIt’s just one day and a commercialized one at that. And if your narc was anything like James

you were disappointed or had given up on him doing anything special for you especially if it was expected or wanted.

I remember when I was in my 20’s and 30’s, Valentine’s Day was spend anxiously waiting to see how many guys bought me flowers. All the girls in the office watched the door for the florist delivery person and then waited with bated breath to see who they were for. Our “worth” growing with each bouquet. How silly.

Happy Narcissist Free Valentine’s Day!

unvalentines

I understand right now you are far from “happy”, you are lonely, imagining him off with his new love, giving her everything you wanted and more and you are sitting home broken and miserable.

Be honest with me now, did the narcissist EVER do anything nice on Valentine’s Day? Your birthday? Christmas? OK, aside from the very first one you had with him, but I mean over the course of the whole relationship, was there ever a special holiday you weren’t disappointed somehow?

If you did get gifts or attention paid to you it was because it made the narcissist look good to do it because they never do anything unless there is something in it for them.

I always went overboard on holidays, even when I was a single mom I cut out dozens of paper red hearts and hung them from the ceiling on red ribbons. I didn’t expect men to go to the extent I did to celebrate, I just liked any reason to decorate the house and cook a nice meal.  So when JC and my first Valentines came along I went all out. We had been dating for about 3 months and had gotten into a comfortable, give and take, mutual appreciation type relationship. He had tearfully told me he was falling in love with me after about a month, we spoke every day and I had never been treated so well, I wanted to show my appreciation (not be like all the previous women in his life who took him for granted).  I had a key to his place, Valentine’s was on a Saturday and he worked part time on Saturday so I had his place to myself all day. He was used to me being there when he got home from work on Saturday and I hadn’t come Friday night and was looking forward to seeing him with nervous anticipation. I really did love him and just seeing him gave me butterflies.

I brought the ingredients for a gourmet finger food type dinner, red balloons, a loving card, made a decadent dessert, bought a couple of bottles of nice wine and his favorite booze, Rye so I could have his drink ready when he got home. I laid chocolate hearts on the floor leading from the door to the bathroom, in the bathroom I had a hot bubblebath, his drink waiting, and a card telling him to get in the tub I would be right there. I was in a sexy little number, red lace I had bought just for this occasion. I planned on giving him a nice bath, washing his back etc and then leading him into the bedroom for more “pampering”.

But I waited and waited, he was never late but he was that day, then his phone rang. He had forgotten his cell phone, I didn’t answer, I never answered his phone, I had been raised you never look in someone’s wallet and you never answer their phone. I poured myself a glass of wine, checked my look in the mirror, lit some candles, and then heard something hit the window, and again, I went to look outside and heard my name being called, down below was JC throwing rocks at the window trying to get my attention, he had forgotten his key and phone and didn’t know how he was going to get in.

He told me to run downstairs and let him in. So much for my surprise, oh well, I threw some jeans on and ran down to open the main door. He was saying how he was about to climb up the balconies to get in and he had been throwing rocks for quite a while. He didn’t have any flowers in his hands and when we got to the apartment I let him open the door. At first he didn’t see the chocolates and even when he did, it didn’t register at first and then when he got to the bathroom and saw the card and bath the light went on. “Is it Valentine’s Day? oh shit! Babyyyy…… I forgot! I am so sorry.” I laughed, he looked so sorry. “That’s ok, you do nice stuff for me all the time.” He said he would go out and buy me some flowers and I told him not to be silly. he didn’t want a bath and took me into the bedroom right away and we made love. He wasn’t very hungry so my meal sat getting cold.  He didn’t say much about the trouble I had gone to but I told myself he was embarrassed about not getting me anything.

The next morning we went to the local aquarium store to buy fish, (our favorite thing to do on Sundays) The staff at the store knew us well from our Sunday visits and knew we were new lovers. The owner’s wife asked if we had a good Valentine’s day and JC started to expound on all the work I did, putting the chocolates out and all and how he had forgotten. The woman gave him shit and I stood up for him, she said,”Well, its never too late, and i bet he never forgets again.”

Little did any of us know he would never remember, in 10 years, worse than not remembering, he simply didn’t acknowledge special occasions because he knew I wanted him to. Oh wait, I am lying, the last year; when his son lived with us, he brought me a 1/2 eaten box of marked down chocolates that he tossed at me as he walked in the door. I made a big deal about thanking him for them, after all he said I never appreciated anything he did for me and I only ever looked for things to bitch about.

He managed to destroy every special event so I found it better to not make a big deal about it. Like he used to say, “People without expectations are never disappointed.” But they are, they end up living a life of disappointment. Never anything to look forward to, never able to do something special for someone, and every day is just another day.

valentine specialBut Valentine’s Day has historically been a disappointment for me, I have always felt it was one of the most commercialized, put unnecessary pressure on relationships and set people up for disappointment. I remember the years when I was younger and worked in the bank or an office and the flowers would start coming through the door and it was more about who got the most bouquets or the biggest bouquet and less about the guy or how much the woman cared about the guy. If you were single you felt left out and if you were in a relationship it was a competition to see who got the most bouquets or the biggest most expensive gifts. Women in relationships expected rings, couples who just started dating didn’t know what to do, ignore the day, get her something and then she thinks you care more than you do? if you are seeing more than one girl do you buy them all something? It is the one holiday I really feel sorry for the guys, they are almost set up to fail and guys struggle with gift buying at the best of times.

Valentine’s Day really means nothing to me any more. It is a commercialized occasion designed to make you spend money. I suppose I would be happy to get flowers on Valentines, or any day of the year but not if the guy treated me like shit the rest of the year. After 9 years with JC I had grown to dread him doing anything romantic because if he did, it was always followed by something equally cruel to counteract it. Just in case I foolishly thought he loved me.

I don’t mean to minimize that some of you are hurting today but in the big picture, how important IS Valentine’s Day?

Personally, even if I was with a man I couldn’t care less about getting a gift on this day. I would be a lot more concerned with how he treats me all year and knowing that he was going to be around the next time I have a bad cold and he will bring me cough medicine, or he’ll be there with a paint brush the next time I want the living room painted, or he’ll surprise me with candles and cook me dinner just because he loves me and appreciates me. A guy that will massage my feet while we watch TV, or hold me when I cry over a sad movie, or who lets me adopt that sad little puppy. Someone who asks how my day was and actually listens and tells me he is proud of me. A man who thinks I am still sexy at 50 or 60 and tells me often. Someone who says he loves me everyday,even when I say it first because I need to hear it.

I bought my neighbor a Valentine’s card and gave her and her daughter a little gift to open this morning.

For those of you obsessing about how alone you are today I challenge you to really think about why it is so important to you and if it is worth ruining your whole day or week over. In the big  picture, really, is this the worst thing that has happened to you, does it have any affect on the future? does it define who you are? your value? It had better not.

vd

Don’t let yourself put too much importance on a simple commercialized holiday that has absolutely nothing to do with love. So many times we get ourselves worked up over something long before it happens. “I am going to be so lonely on Valentine’s Day, I am going to be so sad and miss my ex.” That self defeating inner talk that is guaranteed to make you miserable. Why do you do that to yourself? It is a day, one day and it has 24 hours just like every other day of the year and it will pass like every other day of the year.

Narcissist in training

Narcissist in training