Tag Archives: victimhood

You Get To Choose What Kind Of Victim You Want To Be

What do I mean by you get to choose what kind of victim you get to be? You never chose to be a victim at all!! Who would choose to be a victim? That is crazy! and you are just struggling to cope with life, handle your grief and pain, there is no choice in the matter at all!!

Well, you are wrong, you DO have a choice! There are several types of victims and it is totally up to you which one you pick.

There is the “All men are scum” victim, they refuse to ever trust again, if they do meet a man they can find narcissistic traits in the most innocent of actions. I heard from one victim who after about a year went on a date with a fellow, they had a really good time, he was very gentlemanly and said he would call later in the week. She got home and started analyzing the night, he was awfully nice. I don’t know how she found out but she figured it out that he had gone out of town for 4 days, and so she dumped him because he was a liar. I asked her how she knew he had gone out of town and why she figured it was any of her business.  Even if he had gone out of town with another woman he must have had the plans made before he had the date with her, so that meant he was a man of his word and kept the date with the other woman. So far he had done nothing wrong. And he called her later in the week like promised. But you can bet once he found out she had spied on him and she accused him of being a narcissist he ran to the highest hill to get away from her; if he didn’t he is probably a narcissist. A normal healthy man is not going to put up with being spied on or deal with your paranoia just because you were hurt in the past. Nor should he!

There is the “I have no control” victim. She relies on the man to give her worth and make her feel good about herself but she leaves what man she dates totally up to the man. She dates and the first man that shows her any attention is the one she falls in “love” with. She worries about whether she is the type of woman he wants and bends herself into a pretzel trying to be the right woman for him. She tells him that she was hurt badly in the past, thinking that will protect her from him hurting her. For one thing a normal healthy man never goes into a relationship with the intention of hurting the other person, so what does she expect? that he will commit on the 1st date to spend the rest of his life with her? there is always a chance of getting hurt in every relationships, even the healthy ones. And if the guy is a narcissist you have given him private info he will use against you down the road and he has no scruples and doesn’t care if you have been hurt before, he is still going to hurt you. She goes through life wondering why she keeps attracting narcissists and they keep hurting her.

Then there is the “I am done with love forever” victim. Their lives are ruined, they have no faith in love, don’t believe in love and think all men are evil. They vow to spend the rest of their lives single and warning others about narcissists, they spend all their time on Narcissist Support Forums warning other women about narcissists and reliving their own pain day after day after day.

There is the “I will expose him and bring him down” victim who spends the rest of her days, stalking her ex, she stays in contact with him so she can know what he is up to at all times and she spends her days trying to figure out what he is up to now and continually warns the women in his life. She then can not believe that the new woman does not believe her and hates the new woman for being so stupid, she tells herself they deserve each other. This victim talks with such venom and hatred about the narcissist to anyone who will listen that friends drop off and she gets to be known as the crazy lady. Which she is, the narcissist didn’t do that to her, she did it to herself by making him the focus of her life instead of getting on with life herself.

What do all these victims have in common? They were all clinging to the narcissist in some way and giving him all the power over them. I have said it many times before, IT IS NOT THE VICTIM’S FAULT that they were targeted by a narcissist; BUT that does not mean they had no control over it or couldn’t have avoided it had they known their own self worth and what they were dealing with. Anyone can be targeted by a narcissist but not everyone succumbs to their charms and manipulation. Why? Because they know they worth and they have set boundaries they are not afraid to defend.

You can say, “but I am an empath and I can’t help it”. I say “yes, you can help it. You CAN be an empath and still protect yourself from being a victim of a narcissist. You can trust again and find love, you can still be a loving caring person without giving yourself away to the man you love.”

And THAT is what I want to talk about in No Reim’er Reason.” You don’t have to be frozen and controlled by your fear of being hurt again. You don’t have to be a victim the rest of your life, using your victimhood as a shield against ever loving again, hiding behind your hurt too afraid to venture out in the world. You CAN take your experience and become a strong vibrant woman in love with life that men are drawn to because you know your worth and you are out there living your life happy with inner peace. NOT because some man told you that you are wonderful and lovable but because you know without a doubt that you ARE valued and loved for who you are and you won’t take anything less from anyone.

Yes, an important part of healing, the beginning part; requires learning about the narcissist and how they operate but it will not protect from future narcissists, THAT comes from knowing yourself better than anyone else and believing in yourself. It is the ONLY way of protecting yourself. If you have been continually hurt by narcissists you need to look within to find the answers.

Being a victim can become very comfortable, it relieves you of all responsibility for your happiness, it gives you a purpose and identity, and it becomes comfortable. Have you found that when you come in here and talk about the narcissist you almost get a “high”, you can relate to everyone who comes in, you bond with everyone through being a victim. It becomes a little “us against them” sorority, the initiation fee is a broken heart. And it is good to know you are not alone, that you are not crazy, but you can get stuck there too. The more you think about and talk about the narcissist the deeper he becomes embedded in your mind. You become as hooked on being a victim as you were to the narcissist. Being a victim becomes your addiction, your crutch. It is easier to be a victim than look within for answers and work on yourself, you might not like what you see when you look at yourself, you don’t want to change, change is scary but you can not be who you were, that person is gone forever, you slept with the devil and nothing can change that. Do you grow from it and become a better person? that is totally up to you.

On my emails I sign off with this tag line

I don’t know when it happened but at some point I stopped trying to find the old me and started trying to be the best me.

Join me at No Reim’er Reason to become your best you.

The you who knows your worth and goes out into the world open to whatever comes your way be it love, friendship, or a life being single. A victim who doesn’t consider themselves to be a victim. A woman who embraces everything that has happened to her in life because it brought her to this place, a woman who has taken her experiences and used them to make herself more aware, more loving, more accepting and less needy, suspicious and afraid.

When you meet a man you are attracted to you aren’t filled with fear that he will be another narcissist because you know you are in control. You know that you will never let anyone cross your boundaries again and if you aren’t being treated as you should be you will have the power and confidence to walk away. You won’t ever again try to be the woman a man wants, you will approach dating with the mind set “is he the man for me” , you won’t “let things slide”, “settle” for less than you deserve, you will be able to walk away without guilt when you see that the man’s words do not match his actions, you won’t need “proof” that he is an asshole, you will know that it is ok to walk away because you feel uncomfortable with the way things are going in the relationship. You will listen to your gut and know it is telling you to walk and you won’t have to prove it to yourself, you will not longer feel you have to fix everything and every man. You will not have to prove what a good woman you are by support a man with potential. You will know that you are a wonderful woman deserving of a man who knows his own self worth and doesn’t need a woman to tell him or support him or sacrifice for him.

The Benefits To Being A Victim

Now don’t get all mad at me until you hear me out! I only ever write about what I know so what I am about to say comes from my experience and I am not criticizing anyone.

hobbs

I can remember saying, “Why does he keep hurting me?” and I was told by the people I was crying the blues to, “Because you let him.”

I was offended, I was NOT letting him hurt me, I never called him, I was no contact, HE called me and then he said horrible things to me and now I have cried for hours and feel like crap. How can THAT be my fault?

“He showed up where I worked and wanted to talk and I wasn’t strong enough to say no and now I am heart-broken again and it’s been a year!! Will I ever heal? Why does he keep hurting me?! ”

People kept telling me to go no contact, but I wasn’t contacting him so I was no contact. Let’s be honest, not many of us can receive an email from our ex and not read it, and then if he baits us it is soooooo hard to not respond. BUT if he can’t get an email to us we never know if he tried, we never have to read his bullshit intended to get a reaction and we don’t have to exercise enough will power to not give him a piece of our mind. OR if he is being all contrite and sorry we don’t have to decipher if he is lying or not and deal with self-doubt and indecision because we won’t know.

If you are keeping the lines of communication open, giving him some little crack to get through to you , be honest, you are waiting and hoping he is going to contact you and be sorry. You want to make sure that if he changes his mind he has a way through to you.

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OK you can’t stop him from showing up at your work and it is admittedly very hard to not talk to him if he does. You will pay the price of talking to him, believe me! he does not have your best interests at heart and if he shows up out of the blue you can bet he has some delicious hurt in store for you. You will think he has had a falling out with his new woman or things aren’t going well for him and her and you will delight that he is now missing you. Don’t flatter yourself too quickly, more than likely he has just solidified the relationship with the ow, either gotten engaged, moved in together or even gotten married and now that he has her hooked he can start the devaluing of her. He will start making her jealous so she tries harder, and if he can hook you back in then he can hurt you at the same time he gets her doing the pick me dance. No doubt you will be so pissed when you find out he is still with her, you will decide to blow his cover and call her (I sent a 14 page email) and it will only serve to prove:

a) you still care about him

b) he can’t be that bad because you still want him

c) that you are a psycho that can’t get over him

d) she had better treat him really well because you are just waiting in the wings to take him back

He gets exactly what he wanted, she has even more reason to stick it out even if it is starting to fall apart and you…………..well you lose again!

I hear you, “But I CAN’T, I just can’t stop thinking about him, I can’t not respond, it is just too hard.”

I am going to let you in on the cold hard facts. You have no choice! That is right, there is no can’t; because you have to, or stay the victim forever. the relationship is over, has been over for a long long time and you are clinging to something that was never there and the wish that it was. You are clinging to nothing, an illusion, you are driving yourself insane and making yourself miserable over a fantasy. It is equal to going to the theater and seeing a romance movie and waiting for the actor to call you and profess his undying love. It is like crying for days because in the movie the relationship didn’t work and writing the writer of the movie and telling him he has to redo the movie because you don’t like the ending. It ain’t going to happen.

You might as well continue to believe in Santa Claus and expect gifts under the tree and then be disappointed when there aren’t any and go complain to everyone who will listen that the fat bastard didn’t leave you gifts again this year. You won’t get much sympathy will you?

I am not saying it is easy but it is possible to get over a narcissist, but the first step is accepting that the man you fell in love with never existed and that script that is running through your head is nothing more than a movie plot.

Next you go no contact- in every way possible, yes he might still show up where you work but the harder he has to work at getting to you the better the chance he will get bored and move on to an easier target. The N is not into working too hard getting you back into his web, he is coming to you because he thinks he has you right where he wants you, one little lie and a few tears and he is sure you will buckle and then he has his reserve supply lined up and he will pop into your life at will. When ever he is bored or needs to get the new woman to shape up and put up with his shit because you still want him besides it is so damn entertaining for him to watch two women fight over him.

Both of you totally forgetting that he is the asshole playing two women because you are both so busy pissing on your territory and determined to be the “better woman”. Pick me! Pick me! and he is laughing and patting himself on the back.

And do you know what is happening in your head? You are losing more self-esteem, you have less self-confidence, you become needier and depressed, you feel unattractive and not worthy AND on top of it all you lose respect for yourself.

I have said it before but it is what I kept repeating to myself every time I started to obsess about the wospos and the new woman.

“It is your own fault I hurt you. You kept taking me back.” and “What did you do?” “I stayed” and him saying “Exactly”

When your mind starts to obsess about him, what could have been, what you wish would be, you have the power to STOP, tell yourself NO I am not going to torture myself any more, I am going to think about something else. And think about something else, anything else. What you think about is up to you, as long as it isn’t the N. it will get easier.

As long as you let him hurt you, you are choosing to stay a victim. There are benefits to being a victim.

1. You always have someone to bitch about.

2. As long as he is hurting you, you can tell yourself he still cares about you.

3. You start to feel the same way he does, any attention is better than no attention, even if he hurts you, you are so used to him hurting you it is almost comforting.

4. As long as you are consumed with him you can’t have a healthy relationship with anyone else and you are afraid you don’ t know how to have a healthy relationship.

5. you don’t feel all alone if you hold onto a glimmer of hope he will come back.

6. As long as you are a victim you don’t have to be responsible for your own happiness, you have him destroying it. What if he wasn’t destroying everything good in your life and your life still sucked? That’s a scary thought, no one to blame for your unhappiness.

7. If you have him to consume your thoughts 24/7 you can’t be expected to get on with your life by going to school, moving, getting a new job, volunteer, make new friends because after all you just can’t think of anything but him and you never know if you will be a crying mess.

8. You always have something to talk about, you don’t need to have an interesting life, he keeps you so busy you don’t have time to do anything else.

9. By comparison you are normal and the “good” guy.

10. You envision him feeling guilty for hurting you and you are determined to show him the pain he has caused you. psst* he doesn’t care.

It truly is up to you. That is the real kicker. I know. It sucks. But it is the truth. If you have PTSD, get help, join a support group, get a counselor, because PTSD is very hard to deal with alone, you need help. Other than that, start eating properly, educate yourself about narcs and psychopaths so you can rid yourself of the illusion he will ever change and be prepared for his curtain call. be patient with yourself yes! it takes time, I am not saying you are supposed to be over him in a month or even a year but by a year you should have been no contact a year and well on your way to recovered. If you sleep with him or listen to his bullshit 10 months out of the relationship you will set yourself back to almost the beginning, get back on the horse, forgive yourself but learn from it and go no contact again and start over. Remind yourself that you have wasted however long already, it is up to you how much longer you waste your emotions on someone who just does not care.

You were a victim until you figure out what he was, once you figured out he was a narcissist and you started reading here or elsewhere you stopped being a victim because once you have the knowledge you have the ability to save yourself and you become a survivor.

Don’t misinterpret what I am saying, I am not saying the narcissist is right for what he is doing or that you deserve it. In a normal relationship if a person doesn’t love you any more and the relationship breaks up they stay away from you because they know it is only hurting you more and giving you false hope.  But with a narcissist,  if you do not take control of your happiness and you are waiting for him to do the compassionate and right thing; you will be a victim forever more.