Tag Archives: victimhood

Learning To Live A Life Worth Living

I have said it before, to you, to the doctors and nurses, to my friends and family; quality of life is far more important to me than quantity of life.

Once again, I had the opportunity to ponder this belief, as I lay on the floor of my living room, with the 911 operator telling me help was on the way and I was telling him I didn’t think I was going to live much longer.

You see, ever since I got the vaccine I have not felt well and exactly two weeks after getting the Pfizer vaccine, I collapsed, breaking my ankle in the process. My implanted defibrillator jump started my heart, but I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breath, I was barely able to crawl to my phone and call 911.

It turns out the Pfizer vaccine has been causing heart failure in mostly young men. In my mind, if it causes heart inflammation and failure in young men; what does it do to the heart of middle aged woman who already has heart failure? I was feeling great, I get the vaccine; against my better judgement, and almost immediately felt like crap and like my heart was failing again.

The only thing I could think of while laying on my floor was telling my son I love him and then to call my dog to my side, so the EMT could get in and to keep her calm. I wasn’t afraid of dying at all, I could die tomorrow with no regrets. What scares me, is not having any quality of life.

What really pisses me off is; a few years ago I was at the lowest point in my life. I can’t imagine getting much lower, sick with heart failure and given no more than 6 months to live, living in my car, struggling to survive on $600/month welfare, my ex stalking me and trying to get me evicted, arrested and fired.

I had over come all of it!!

My life was going great. No big ups, but no big downs, I love my trailer. I was making enough money to do the things I wanted, maintain my car and home, never worried about where I was going to get groceries. I was able to buy gifts for loved ones, and give to those in need. I had my dream job and got accolades daily at work. I had free reign over all the garden design of a 55 acres golf course, and had completed all the design and planting, and was doing the final finishing touches just as the 2021 season begins.

I have committed to having my grand daughter come to stay with me in less than 2 weeks. I have a standard transmission on my car, I live in a rather remote area. I was planning on having money to entertain her with. Hell, I was going to have enough money to skirt my trailer before winter, I need a new phone. I had spent money I haven’t made yet.

What really pisses me off is having my whole life ripped out from under me again and being totally helpless to do a damn thing about it, and my gut had been screaming at me to not get the fucking vaccine!

So, what does this have to do with a narcissist and living my best life? When you are looking at the end of your life and have very precious limited time on this earth, you don’t want to waste the time you have on things that don’t really matter.

Near death puts things into perspective. I regret all the hours, days, weeks and years I wasted trying to be what some man wanted. How many tears have I wasted on men who didn’t give a shit?

I wasted years after I left the narcissist just obsessing about what he was doing and with who. Years being angry.

It has taken me literally years to put my life back together. I have worked SO hard on myself, on being the best version of me that I can be.

This triggers me back 10 years to when my ex was promising to fix my work truck (that he had broken to begin with) and he played this sadistic power game of promising to fix it over and over again, only to not do it. Or when I would get up for work and he would have done something to my truck and this feeling of defeat would envelop me. I had to turn my feelings off completely in order to not have a complete break down. I feel that now. I have to surrender, throw up my hands and give up the battle, or have a complete break down.

I get pissed off at women who are so wrapped up in their relationship with a narcissist that they are wasting their lives. I want to grab them and shake them; scream at them, “Time is so precious! Wake up and appreciate all that you have, before it’s gone!”

I know a 24 yr old single mom who recently left a narcissist, she is already dating a sweetheart of a guy. But she’s going to lose him, because he IS healthy and has no desire to fix anyone. He is encouraging her to pursuit her education, better herself, be independent, and expects nothing from her. And she expects nothing from herself. She relies on him to make her feel good about herself. She isn’t ready to grow up and do what needs to be done to grow as a person and protect herself, better herself and have a healthy relationship.

She is relying on the sweetheart of a guy to play the daddy role already, and he has kids of his own. She is more focussed on getting her ego boosted with seductive photos and duck-faced selfies, instead of self reflection and getting to know herself and being the best version of herself.

Plus she is trying to make her ex feel bad, jealous, or realize he made a mistake. What she doesn’t realize is, he does.not.care, and her plastering that her new boyfriend is “daddy” is only making her look bad and proving what he claims; she is being a vindictive bitch alienating his daughter from him. She is making his court case for him.

Like it or not, it’s time to put her big girl panties on and face reality. She is in control of her destiny, no one else, and she is in danger of repeating history.

Maybe 24 is simply to young to “get” it. Maybe she has to repeat history a few more times before the light goes on. It’s sad.

Carrying Baggage Into Your Next Relationship

I hear it time after time, “How do I protect myself next time”, “How can I ever trust again”, “Am I being too sensitive and imagining red flags?” “I’ve met a really nice guy but I keep pushing him away”. “I’m afraid I’ll ruin a good thing by being too distrusting”.

I remember trying to learn everything about narcissists, thinking that way I could detect them sooner and protect myself. But they always pretend to be your perfect match in the beginning, so how do you know? How can you trust they won’t hurt you?

Well meaning friends advise the victim to be honest about what they have gone through and if the guy is a decent guy he will help them to trust again.

Great in theory and it would work, if narcissists didn’t exist, but they do. One of the biggest mistakes victims make is to be an open book. The m.o. of a narcissist is to become your perfect match in order to hook you and then use the information to hurt you. It is his way of life, he thrives on the pain of others.

#1. We assume if we tell someone how badly we’ve been hurt in the past, they will be careful to not hurt us again. We think if we explain how our trust was broken they will prove they can be trusted. We hope that they will understand we are suspicious and paranoid, if we explain how our ex gas lighted us.

#2. It puts the onus of fixing your broken heart on an innocent guy who did nothing wrong.

#3. It puts your healing on hold, makes you reliant on a man for your happiness and keeps you in the role of victim, forever at the mercy of every asshole you meet.

Let me tell you about the guy I dated after leaving my ex. It was about a year after we had split, I got a new job and the mechanic was a cute guy that was obviously attracted to me. He wasn’t really my type physically, but he had a sweet personality, he seemed genuine. He was always excited when I showed up and would find a reason to talk to me. He asked me out and I told him I had been hurt really bad and just wasn’t ready to date.

He listened intently, told me how much he admired my strength to survive and rebuild my life. He helped me in little ways, as a friend. He lived above the shop at work and would invite me for supper after work. It was so nice to walk through the door and be greeted with the smells of a pot roast cooking. I didn’t have a shower where I lived so he would offer me to shower there. He loved my 2 dogs, was so good to them and offered to have them stay with him at the shop during the day.

The invitations for supper became more frequent, we would work on my truck and his hand would brush against my butt. Did he mean to do that or was it an accident? It made my heart skip a beat. He’d stand a little too close to show me something. Once in a while he’d casually call me “babe”. I found myself enjoying his attention. I met his parents and they loved me. He gave me a key to his place, just in case I needed to use his shower or a place to put the dogs. Every morning I woke up to a “Have a great day Babe” message on my phone. And every night I got a “Sweet dreams Babe” text. He would try to get sexual but I always explained I wasn’t ready, didn’t want to rush into things and he would understand. Sometimes I would spend the night and we would just snuggle with both dogs in bed with us.

He sounds perfect doesn’t he? But there were little things that made me question his honesty. Little red flags. But was I just being paranoid? Too suspicious? I decided to just make note of them and see what happened.

Eventually the relationship slowly shifted from friends to lovers.

I decided to surprise him one morning and let myself into his apartment. I had a gut feeling. My gut wasn’t wrong. I walked in to see a woman fresh out of the shower and him in the kitchen making breakfast. He was cold, distant and rather smug.

I handed her the key and said, “You’ll no doubt be needing this.”

And walked out.

I was devastated!! Again!!! How could he hurt me like this when he knew how hurt I’d been in the past? I had been honest and he was just like my ex. I slipped right back into victimhood. I cried buckets, for about a day and a half.

Then a light bulb went on. Yes, he was another narcissist, but I had seen the red flags, I had been right! I could trust my gut instincts. I wasn’t in love with him, how could I be? We’d only dated a couple of months. I analyzed exactly what I was feeling. My ego was hurt more than anything. I wasn’t that nuts about him, I had grown to like the man he pretended to be. I was not in so deep I couldn’t just walk away.

So I did.

When he got all flirty with me later I just laughed at him, literally, in the face. I watched him go from woman to woman repeating history and laughed to myself because I had dodged a bullet. I ended up leaving the company because the owners ended up being a bunch of narcissists. I felt like every where I turned was another narcissist!

When did things change? Or did they? How does an empathetic person survive in a world full of narcissists? It’s easy to feel defeated, why bother? Are doomed to be a victim the rest of your life?

I chose to not remain a victim. I stopped being an open book. I stopped dumping my baggage on people I barely knew and expecting them to make me feel better about myself. Whether it was a work relationship, friendship or romance. By describing my relationship with the narcissist to everyone I met I was in essence saying, “I am a victim”. I find that by letting people get to know me, before I choose to share my story; I am viewed as a survivor. Not a victim. There is a difference, a huge difference!

I looked at the relationship with the mechanic as proof that I could protect myself. I had seen the red flags, and when I was proven right, I walked away. I was able to accept he was another narcissist and didn’t keep giving second chances or making excuses. I survived. Instead of taking an attitude of woe is me, why me, and making it personal, I accepted it is what it is and moved on.

The only way of ensuring you won’t be victimized by another narcissist is to either never date again OR learn to trust your gut and trust that you will walk away and not invest in a relationship with a person who doesn’t value you.

I had done it right, albeit a little slowly because I didn’t trust myself. I had been more concerned with whether I could trust him or not when I should have been focused on trusting myself.

There is NO guarantees in life. There is no way you can predict how another person is going to act, no way you can know a person’s true intentions. The only person you CAN trust is yourself. Stop putting the control of your happiness in someone else’s hands.

One woman commented that she would find it easier to love herself if she could find someone who loves her. Which is totally ass backwards. As long as you are striving to win someone’s love you are going to feel vulnerable. They are always going to control your self worth, you will always walk on egg shells, you will always be evaluating the relationship and it will always make you doubt yourself. The relationship takes on far more importance in your life than it should.

When you live your life honestly, true to your core beliefs, values, and moral standards and not allow anything or anyone compromise them. When you own your past hurts and stop expecting others to fix you. When you stop acting like a victim, stop describing yourself as a victim, you will stop being a victim.

At first it’s hard to not talk about what you’ve been through. That is normal but as long as being a victim is such a big part of you, you should not be dating. If when you meet new people you include the narcissist in how you describe yourself, you are still being a victim. I don’t tell people about my past until they earn the right to hear my story.

People don’t want to hear it. What do we expect by over sharing with people we barely know? A decent guy doesn’t want to pay for the shit another man put you through. And why should he? If you are going to be analyzing his every move, checking his phone, testing his honesty, questioning his intentions, in essense; making him walk on egg shells, you are making him responsible for your mood and self esteem. You are putting yourself in the position of victim. You are creating drama and making him the villian.

The minute you start valuing yourself and accepting yourself the need for the approval of other loses its power over you. When you start loving yourself, you no longer need to be loved by someone else. And there is no reason you can’t be a person you love, because if you don’t like something about yourself, you have the power to change.

Instead of trying to be the type of woman a man loves, be a person you love. No one can make you feel less than when you are living your life honest to your core self.

You Get To Choose What Kind Of Victim You Want To Be

What do I mean by you get to choose what kind of victim you get to be? You never chose to be a victim at all!! Who would choose to be a victim? That is crazy! and you are just struggling to cope with life, handle your grief and pain, there is no choice in the matter at all!!

Well, you are wrong, you DO have a choice! There are several types of victims and it is totally up to you which one you pick.

There is the “All men are scum” victim, they refuse to ever trust again, if they do meet a man they can find narcissistic traits in the most innocent of actions. I heard from one victim who after about a year went on a date with a fellow, they had a really good time, he was very gentlemanly and said he would call later in the week. She got home and started analyzing the night, he was awfully nice. I don’t know how she found out but she figured it out that he had gone out of town for 4 days, and so she dumped him because he was a liar. I asked her how she knew he had gone out of town and why she figured it was any of her business.  Even if he had gone out of town with another woman he must have had the plans made before he had the date with her, so that meant he was a man of his word and kept the date with the other woman. So far he had done nothing wrong. And he called her later in the week like promised. But you can bet once he found out she had spied on him and she accused him of being a narcissist he ran to the highest hill to get away from her; if he didn’t he is probably a narcissist. A normal healthy man is not going to put up with being spied on or deal with your paranoia just because you were hurt in the past. Nor should he!

There is the “I have no control” victim. She relies on the man to give her worth and make her feel good about herself but she leaves what man she dates totally up to the man. She dates and the first man that shows her any attention is the one she falls in “love” with. She worries about whether she is the type of woman he wants and bends herself into a pretzel trying to be the right woman for him. She tells him that she was hurt badly in the past, thinking that will protect her from him hurting her. For one thing a normal healthy man never goes into a relationship with the intention of hurting the other person, so what does she expect? that he will commit on the 1st date to spend the rest of his life with her? there is always a chance of getting hurt in every relationships, even the healthy ones. And if the guy is a narcissist you have given him private info he will use against you down the road and he has no scruples and doesn’t care if you have been hurt before, he is still going to hurt you. She goes through life wondering why she keeps attracting narcissists and they keep hurting her.

Then there is the “I am done with love forever” victim. Their lives are ruined, they have no faith in love, don’t believe in love and think all men are evil. They vow to spend the rest of their lives single and warning others about narcissists, they spend all their time on Narcissist Support Forums warning other women about narcissists and reliving their own pain day after day after day.

There is the “I will expose him and bring him down” victim who spends the rest of her days, stalking her ex, she stays in contact with him so she can know what he is up to at all times and she spends her days trying to figure out what he is up to now and continually warns the women in his life. She then can not believe that the new woman does not believe her and hates the new woman for being so stupid, she tells herself they deserve each other. This victim talks with such venom and hatred about the narcissist to anyone who will listen that friends drop off and she gets to be known as the crazy lady. Which she is, the narcissist didn’t do that to her, she did it to herself by making him the focus of her life instead of getting on with life herself.

What do all these victims have in common? They were all clinging to the narcissist in some way and giving him all the power over them. I have said it many times before, IT IS NOT THE VICTIM’S FAULT that they were targeted by a narcissist; BUT that does not mean they had no control over it or couldn’t have avoided it had they known their own self worth and what they were dealing with. Anyone can be targeted by a narcissist but not everyone succumbs to their charms and manipulation. Why? Because they know they worth and they have set boundaries they are not afraid to defend.

You can say, “but I am an empath and I can’t help it”. I say “yes, you can help it. You CAN be an empath and still protect yourself from being a victim of a narcissist. You can trust again and find love, you can still be a loving caring person without giving yourself away to the man you love.”

And THAT is what I want to talk about in No Reim’er Reason.” You don’t have to be frozen and controlled by your fear of being hurt again. You don’t have to be a victim the rest of your life, using your victimhood as a shield against ever loving again, hiding behind your hurt too afraid to venture out in the world. You CAN take your experience and become a strong vibrant woman in love with life that men are drawn to because you know your worth and you are out there living your life happy with inner peace. NOT because some man told you that you are wonderful and lovable but because you know without a doubt that you ARE valued and loved for who you are and you won’t take anything less from anyone.

Yes, an important part of healing, the beginning part; requires learning about the narcissist and how they operate but it will not protect from future narcissists, THAT comes from knowing yourself better than anyone else and believing in yourself. It is the ONLY way of protecting yourself. If you have been continually hurt by narcissists you need to look within to find the answers.

Being a victim can become very comfortable, it relieves you of all responsibility for your happiness, it gives you a purpose and identity, and it becomes comfortable. Have you found that when you come in here and talk about the narcissist you almost get a “high”, you can relate to everyone who comes in, you bond with everyone through being a victim. It becomes a little “us against them” sorority, the initiation fee is a broken heart. And it is good to know you are not alone, that you are not crazy, but you can get stuck there too. The more you think about and talk about the narcissist the deeper he becomes embedded in your mind. You become as hooked on being a victim as you were to the narcissist. Being a victim becomes your addiction, your crutch. It is easier to be a victim than look within for answers and work on yourself, you might not like what you see when you look at yourself, you don’t want to change, change is scary but you can not be who you were, that person is gone forever, you slept with the devil and nothing can change that. Do you grow from it and become a better person? that is totally up to you.

On my emails I sign off with this tag line

I don’t know when it happened but at some point I stopped trying to find the old me and started trying to be the best me.

Join me at No Reim’er Reason to become your best you.

The you who knows your worth and goes out into the world open to whatever comes your way be it love, friendship, or a life being single. A victim who doesn’t consider themselves to be a victim. A woman who embraces everything that has happened to her in life because it brought her to this place, a woman who has taken her experiences and used them to make herself more aware, more loving, more accepting and less needy, suspicious and afraid.

When you meet a man you are attracted to you aren’t filled with fear that he will be another narcissist because you know you are in control. You know that you will never let anyone cross your boundaries again and if you aren’t being treated as you should be you will have the power and confidence to walk away. You won’t ever again try to be the woman a man wants, you will approach dating with the mind set “is he the man for me” , you won’t “let things slide”, “settle” for less than you deserve, you will be able to walk away without guilt when you see that the man’s words do not match his actions, you won’t need “proof” that he is an asshole, you will know that it is ok to walk away because you feel uncomfortable with the way things are going in the relationship. You will listen to your gut and know it is telling you to walk and you won’t have to prove it to yourself, you will not longer feel you have to fix everything and every man. You will not have to prove what a good woman you are by support a man with potential. You will know that you are a wonderful woman deserving of a man who knows his own self worth and doesn’t need a woman to tell him or support him or sacrifice for him.