Tag Archives: what is truly valuable

Merry Christmas To All And To All Good Night and Peace On Earth

 

xmas

I want to wish everyone a heart felt Merry Christmas and a new year filled with only the best of things, top of that list being…….Peace. Peace of mind, peace in your heart, peace in your physical world and among your family and friends.

Some of you are probably miserable today fantasizing about the wonderful Christmas the N is having with the new “soul mate” or you are with your narcissist still and once again he has done something to ruin the holidays, either totally disappeared, or for certain he didn’t buy you any gifts, he started a fight and no matter how you tried to not get pulled into it with him this year he finally pushed you to the breaking point. IF….. and that is a big if! the narcissist IS “behaving” you are watching your words very carefully and walking on egg shells in hopes of not putting him in a bad mood.

The narcissist might not be your partner, it could be a sister, brother, or parent, but no  one can ruin a celebration like a narcissist, they have it down to a fine art.

With family it isn’t as easy to avoid their toxicity but when it is your partner you DO have a choice, no; you are not going to leave today, but you can start a journal today and start writing in it every day for the next year. It doesn’t have to be well written, or even complete sentences, it’s for your eyes only. But it is so that next year when Christmas rolls around and you are in this exact same spot, feeling these exact same feelings, having the exact same fights and when you look back you see that you are repeating history, over and over again and nothing ever changes ……….. maybe you will finally muster up the courage to walk away.

I am with my family this Christmas and it has been fine, 12 of us in one house for 3 days, along with 6 dogs, people are going to get on each other’s nerves, tempers may flare once in a while. It happens. It is not perfect, I really don’t think “perfect” is possible when you get so many different personalities together, but I am in the moment. I am not worrying about any one or any thing, I am not watching what I say, no one is pushing my buttons and you know what? I am taking time away from the group when I feel overwhelmed with all the activity. I don’t pretend to be ok when I am not. I don’t do well with crowds and I accept that about myself and if my family doesn’t know that by now I have told them this year and they have to accept it. I don’t expect anyone to cater to me and while I am downstairs snuggling Stella I can  hear them upstairs, “Where’s Carrie?” “Is Carrie napping?” “What’s Carrie doing?” and I stay quiet and recoup until I am ready to go back upstairs and join the masses.

I make no apologies for being me and taking what I need to feel centered and in balance.

Christmas doesn’t mean the same thing to me that it used to, it doesn’t hold the same expectations it used to. I suppose I could blame my ex for that, because I learned to never count on anything and since we split I have spent several Christmases all alone, but I think it is more what I have learned from life in general.

For one thing, if you need a holiday like Christmas as an excuse to get together with family you don’t have much of a relationship with your family. So many people put on the act for a couple of days at Christmas and the rest of the year never see their family. I much prefer a day alone with my son having some one on one time than trying to get a word in edge wise when he has been drinking, people are interrupting, gifts are being opened in every direction and no one is even taking the time to really appreciate the gifts or the meaning behind them. Gifts bought out of desperation because the gift giver knew they HAD to buy something. I hate it!

I couldn’t care less what I get for gifts and I usually give something I made for the person.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas!! I just don’t like all the pressure we put on ourselves and others because of the commercialism and hype we are fed our whole lives. Christmas is not romantic for most people, Christmas is not a happy time for most people, most people do not get the perfect present wrapped with the perfect bow. Sure it would be nice to ride off in a horse drawn sleigh with the man I love beside me under a big fluffy blanket while snow gently falls and the stars twinkle in the sky. But that doesn’t happen usually unless you are involved with a narcissist who is love bombing you.

Christmas is one day out of 364 days in the year. I hope it is an ok day for all of you but my heartfelt wish for everyone is that they find/create/insist upon nothing less than being treated with respect, kindness, honesty, and fairness every single day of the year. No matter how bleak life may seem right now, it will pass, life will get better. While with the narcissist, nothing ever changed, you rode the same roller coaster, up and down, over and over again. Give life a chance. yes the unknown is scary but it can’t be worse than being with the narcissist.

Learn to appreciate what you have, I know what it feels like to think you have nothing, the narcissist took it all but there is always more to lose, don’t let him take your future also. Don’t let him waste any more of your time.

Last year this time I didn’t think I would live long enough to see this Christmas and it was the worse 6 months of my life, I was so sick, in so much pain, so depressed, I just wanted to die, life was not worth living. The print out from my defibrillator showed 84 episodes in 5 months plus 1 major heart attack. They say I need a heart transplant but I am not agreeing. I am living my life the best I can with the days I have left. No time for regrets, no time for wishing things were different, I am grasping every opportunity I have to enjoy family and friends because tomorrow might not come, next Christmas might not come.

Wishing you many cherished memories this Christmas and in 2018.

Here is a link to another post from 2014 on why the narcissist is like Santa Claus  Santa, the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy

Hugs and love to you all!!

Put The Bullshit Aside – This Is All That Matters

As promised I am posting another comment made by a visitor of the blog. I read it, walked away, cried, my heart broke, I took a moment of silent reflection; I hope she felt the hug I was sending her through the miles. I find it hard to imagine she didn’t feel it because I could feel it almost like she was in my arms.
I thought I had composed myself enough to reply without tears but the minute I put my fingers down to type the tears were streaming down my face. This woman has lived my greatest nightmare, I can not possibly know what she has lived through, just trying to imagine brings me to my knees. 
But as with all tragedy, there are lessons to be learned and she has a very important lesson to share, one I felt deserving of it’s own post.
You see, this will be the one thousands post, there have been over 22,000 comments made on the blog; about every subject possible to do with narcissists. We rant, rave, do our own arm chair analysis of the relationship, we try to figure out why he did what he did, who he did it with, we discuss all we lost, how we don’t know how we will carry on, start over, ever find love again………. and we beat the subject into the ground for months, sometimes years, before we pull ourselves up and take control of our happiness once again. Hopefully!! Some of us will go back a couple more times, believe his lies until we believe our lies, putting value on worthless things and devaluing the only things worth anything at all, things that are priceless and irreplaceable. 
I hope you will read her comment, take a few minutes to absorb it and understand it and then read it a couple more times. It is THAT important. It is a message I have tried to convey but this message is coming from someone who has lived it and therefore is an authority on the subject of “What is really important in life”. 
When you have everything taken away you are left trying to figure out who you are. For years you have been someone’s daughter, wife, mother, you are identified by the car you drive, the neighborhood and house you live in, who your friends are, your profession, the size of your bank account. Some people go their whole life defining themselves by material things and what other people think of them, determining their worth in the world but all these meaningless worthless things. 
Without all these things who are you? That is when you have to be totally honest, face the true demons, the ones inside you, you have to just be you. You are all you have, if you let yourself down you have no one to blame. 
Here is Liz’s comment, she says it better than I.
Liz Catherine
January 8, 2016 at 12:41 pm

I want to bring a new perspective to these discussions with the hope of moving forward. I have posted here before and so I receive the latest comments which have recently saddened me.

My son was killed in an accident 3 years ago, and what I live with is that I allowed my partner to try to steal from our time and happiness together for 5 years before he died, aged 20. I allowed my ex to have greater needs to the sitting room than we did, to the extent that we stayed in the kitchen at all times. I allowed my ex, through controlling and manipulative tactics, to make me feel guilty for us being there or laughing with my boys and disturbing his peace (even though my sons and I were far quieter and more polite out of fear, than is healthy). I allowed that, no matter what the reason.. fear of confrontation, abandonment, approval or love.

The last time my son, Tom, spent the day with me at our house, there was a miracle.. my ex was out. We laughed, sang and played games free from the cold stare and judgement of being our happy selves. Tom wanted to play my ex’s accoustic guitar for us to sing to. Although he was a very talented guitarist, I knew I had to phone to ask my ex for permission. The answer was a straight, cold ‘No’ and no reason given. We smiled at each other compassionately, drove to fetch Tom’s own guitar, and had a magical afternoon of singing and playing our favourite songs. It is a memory I cherish, like all of the memories of him being with me in this life, and that day was only 4 days away from never being able to see him again. Nobody will ever steal the joy I shared with my son, and what is absolutely certain, is that noone could ever take a moment’s happiness from his life.. Tom was joy and love and thankfulness personified.

We can all be selfish and put our own needs for love/approval/money or anything else before what is really and truly important in this life. If you’ve lost a world of assets at the hand of a narcissist, but have your loved ones and your own soul in tact, then you haven’t lost at all. You’ve learnt a lesson. I learnt a lesson too.. that only Love gives us the ability to be honest about ourselves, to be grateful for what we have and have had, and to let go of the need to feel wounded. The loss of a child shows you that there is NO loss you can possibly suffer that comes close to their loss of their future. The only thing you can do in the face of it, is to go forth and live out your own future with integrity and love for others, in their place. If you can learn this lesson of letting go of everything but Love, without having to lose what is actually most precious of all to you, then you will have understood.