Tag Archives: Whining

I Feel Like Dog Doo

My good God I feel and look like crap.

Long gone are the days when I could go a night without sleep and look great in the morning. I was awake most of the night; wide awake and sitting at the kitchen table at 12:45am, 2:30am, 5:15am and then got up at 7. It is now 10:30 and I wish to God I had a shower and a strong cup of the coffee. Neither is possible due to lack of water.

Kato is only following his natural instincts but I am at my wits end with these two dogs. Kato will not leave Laila alone, if he can’t be with her he will lick the blankets where she was laying. Groooooss

Laila is hating him in a big way, in a really BIG way!! I leave him at home during the day because I can trust him to not escape or destroy the trailer but I feel terrible leaving him alone like that. I have been getting home late because , well the other night I had to grocery shop and last night I was out of town for work and then had some errands to run and of course my commute is so long because of where I live.

I had to leave Kato outside last night because Laila tried to rip his throat out and he wants to LOVE her and does not understand she is his daughter. Yuck

Anyway he was outside crying all night, whimpering at the door. At 2:30 I woke up with a killer tooth ache and got up. Laila was asleep so I closed the bedroom “door” which is a cloth bifold thingy that does nothing to keep a dog in the room.

I opened the door and Kato came in and Laila flew out under the door like the Tazmanian devil and attacked Kato. She was full on attacking and not backing down. Kato was trying to eat so the food and water dishes went flying, but he was still trying to eat the kibbles off the floor while she was trying to rip his throat out.

I grabbed her by her choker chain and she still would not let go so I smacked her across the snout. I kept her in a head lock until he finished eating and then I had to put him back outside. Laila was just vibrating and at one point I thought she might bite me but aside from growling at me she backed down. I gave her a few good smack across the snout though to show her who’s boss and I am not going to let her hurt Kato.

My poor buddy, he is so mild mannered he didn’t even try to defend himself. He doesn’t deserve that shit. If I had a place with real rooms and real doors at least I could keep them both in the house in different rooms.

Now it is 4 am the next day. I had another good day money wise so I knocked off early and spent some time with Kato. We went frog hunting and to the river for water.

Then I spent some time with Laila, all the while keeping the two if them apart. I went to my girlfriends to use the internet and left Laila in the trailer and took Kato. He was thrilled to be able to come along and was kissing me and rubbing his head on my leg. Poor little buddy.

We got home later than I had planned because I was almost home when I realized I forgot my purse at my friends and had to go back. When I opened the trailer door it took me a minute or 5 to  absorb the sight before me.

Laila had almost scratched and chewed right through the door. There was insulation and screen door every where in the trailer. She knocked my French Vanilla coffee out of my hand covering me, her and the floor with hot sticky coffee. The fruit flies should love that!!

Sigh!

She really missed me I guess. Piss. Tonight Kato is sleep in the truck.

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I Don’t See a “Kick Me ” Sign On My Back

I don’t expect a free ride; I honestly don’t. Anyone who knows me will tell you I work hard for my money and I would never screw someone over on a deal; never! My conscience wouldn’t allow it. And I hate to be a whiner; live with or change it; but don’t whine about it.

I am so sick of people; (mostly)men screwing me over, pushing me around, and taking advantage of me and the fact that I am vulnerable and my family’s attitude that I deserve what I get because I went back to James.

I never felt I was an N magnet in my life, but I sure do now. It’s as if they hold meetings,
“Ok guys! guys settle down; this meeting has come to order. Men, we’ve got one bitch that just won’t lie down and give up; she’s a tough nut to crack. We’re got to ramp things up and get this done; we’ve spent too much time on her. Now who here has any ideas on what we can do to break this bitch once and for all? JC put your hand down; you had 10 years to get the job gone and you blew it! anyone else? ok You there at the back, state your name and your idea.”

Paranoid? not me!

As you all know life has been a real struggle for me lately but I’ve been dragging myself out there and doing my best to get my life back on track. Last week I was thinking finally things were falling into place.

One of the major stumbling blocks I face is; No internet or phone service  have been trying to sell my GMC because I just can’t afford to fix it; I put an ad placed on Craig’s list, I started at $1600 and then dropped the price to $1200; I started to get some calls at that price but then they wanted to see the truck and it is in Surrey, a good hour from where I living. I drove all the way out there two weeks ago because a guy said he had cash in hand and wanted it. He was a no show and I wasted $40 in fuel and my Sunday, not to mention I could have been at the flea market making money.

So, anyway, the truck I am driving needs brakes REALLY bad; they are squealing and I have a really bad vibration when I put on the brakes. It is also leaking oil and rad fluid. It’s an old truck; I expected gaskets and hoses would need to be replaced and planned to do all these minor repairs when I sold my GMC. Last Thursday I tried to put water in my rad and couldn’t get the cap off, I was going to get a man to try later and then forgot about it. I got a call on my GMC, the guy was only willing to pay $800 cash. I took it, cash is king. I owed my friend Jim $400 and he really needed his money because he is heading out hunting today. At $800 I could pay him and still get my brakes done and do a few other things.

I stopped at Tim Horton’s to use the washroom and get a bite to eat before I called the guy to say I was on my way. I forgot my phone was in my back pocket and when I pulled my jeans down in the bathroom my phone fell in the toilet. Yep folks, there it was submersed at the bottom of the toilet bowl; I was just thankful it fell in before I used the toilet. (notice the positive attitude?)

I tried to dry it best I could under the hand dryer. I can’t use my phone so I can’t call the guy to set up a time to meet and can’t get his number off my phone. I decide to take my phone back to Best Buy and see what they can do for me. On the way my truck starts to overheat so I park it at Lordco and take the dogs for a walk while it cools down. Then I bought some oil, antifreeze and a pair of work gloves at Lordco tried the rad cap and still couldn’t get it off. I try my phone and it worked (kinda) so I call the guy and say I will have to come tomorrow, he is fine with that. I call Jim and he comes and pries my rad cap off, I fill my rad, no visible leaks, must be a hose; he leaves, I go to get fuel and notice a HUGE puddle under my truck. Call Jim again and he says to limp it to his shop. He figures its just a gasket. We take water pump off and replace gasket, put water in, it pours out. I need a new water pump!; piss. It is 1am so Jim lends me his truck to go home and I return in the morning.
No one in Abbotsford has a water pump for a 1974 chev so we order one in. I miss a days work but I am rolling with the punches. I put my phone in a bag of rice over night and its working; only had to buy a $10 sim card. I called the guy and say I am going to be late.
I borrow $100 from Jim for the water pump and even installed it myself and I’m feeling pretty proud of myself. Still rolling with the punches. I head out to do the truck deal, call the guy and he says getting too late lets do it tomorrow. Fine with me.
Saturday first thing I get a call from a customer wanting a pick up in Port Moody, perfect! I can do the truck deal, take the bridge to Pt Moody and go home. I stop at a few customers and get a little load on and made $70; perfect! just enough to buy a permit $30 to drive it over to the guy and I couldn’t find my registration so paid $18 for a replacement, no biggie. Bought myself lunch $6 and a pack of smokes $9 and had just enough fuel to get to Surrey where $800 is waiting for me.
I got to my truck and the cab is full of Hal’s crap (Hal is the guy who “fixed” my driveshaft) and the battery is missing.

I call Hal and tell him I am there to get my truck and what does he figure I owe him. He never did give me an answer. We agreed that I had paid him $350 already so I said I could pay him another $100. He said when do I get the rest? I told him I didn’t feel I owed him more. Of course he feels I owe him for the trany in his van and for all the hours he spent fabricating a driveshaft unnecessarily. He tells me he’s also taken my brake switch off and put it on his truck. He said he’d be there in 1/2 an hour, I tell him I have a job waiting, he says 1/2 hr.

Four hours later I am still waiting; take the dogs for a walk and when I get back he is sitting there eating take out. I walk up and ask if my truck is ready to go, I can see the battery on the ground. He says he’s not doing anything until he’s eaten. I say I’ve been waiting 4 hours and I have a job to get to. He says he’s been waiting 3 months and starts accusing me of not going into Amix to avoid paying him. Why would I have paid him $350 if I wasn’t planning on paying him? Besides that; what is he doing going to Amix and asking if I’ve been in; that’s bullshit! He hauls scrap; he knows prices have been down. He called me a liar when I told him I got more in Abbotsford than at Amix. He’s harping on about my wrecking his trany and owing for that but he still won’t name a price.
I said, “You knew money was tight, how did you expect me to put fluid in the van? it had NO fluids whatsoever, that is your responsibility not mine.”
He says he wants more money than the $100 but still doesn’t name a figure. I keep saying I can only pay $100 and he says,”How much are you getting for the truck?” He wants at least half. I told him no way. He crawls under my truck and takes the driveshaft off. I say give me my $350 back. He says that is for the trany. I am furious (plug your ears because this is where I start swearing) I call him an asshole and he says he can see why I can’t keep a man. I spun around and said,”You can keep your fucking mouth shut, my personal life has nothing to do with you. If I wanted abuse and to get screwed over I would have called James. You have nothing to say that I want to hear; I am done talking to you”. He said something about me being a selfish bitch and I felt like punching him but instead told him, “I told you, keep your fucking opinions to yourself, I don’t give a shit what you think.” and refused to respond to his yabbering.

There are dogs across the street and Mary had let her dogs out so my dogs were going nuts, Hal left with his driveshaft and I gave Mary a hug and left.

I called the guy who was buying it and now he’ll give me $400 for it. I put the $7 I have into fuel but still only got 1/2 way home. I parked the truck and called a few friends, either they didn’t answer or couldn’t help. It is 9 pm, the dogs and I are hungry and I am broke. I start to cry. Enough is enough!

I call Jim to say I don’t have his money, he asks where I am and what I am going to do. I tell him I am going to sleep in my truck and call the guy in the morning and take the $400 I guess. I said I didn’t know what to do. everyone says phone the police but I was so upset I couldn’t think or talk straight.

I fell asleep with my head on Laila and woke up at midnight when Jim called to say he was in Langley and where was I. He bought me dinner and gave me $50 for fuel. I said I hate to borrow more money and he said,” I have to keep you alive because I want you”. Geeezzzzz

I got home at 4 am, no water at home; none. I went to girlfriends for shower yesterday. I have just enough fuel to get down the hill today.

No idea what I am going to do about either truck.

And to top it all off Laila is in heat and Kato is driving us both nuts!!!!

Welcome to my life!

This is the true joy of life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.

George Bernard Shaw

Where’s Da Wabbit?

Where's Dat Wascally Wabbit?

Where’s Dat Wascally Wabbit?

Move over! let me look, do you see one?huh? no that was a bird! are you sure? What about that?Isit

Move over! let me look, do you see one?huh? no that was a bird! are you sure? What about that?Isit

Look! there's 2 of those wascals!

Look! there’s 2 of those wascals!

There was 2 babies but only got pic of one

There was 2 babies but only got pic of one

One of the perks of self-employment is being able to enjoy those unscheduled sources of entertainment provided by mother nature; like watching the bunny’s eat in Richmond.

I was loading at a job site late yesterday and I could hear the dogs going wild in the truck. They were barking incessantly, whining, and thrashing around in the cab of the truck horribly. I yelled a few times, “NO NOISE!!!” But they probably couldn’t hear me over all the noise they were making.

I finished up doing a quick once over of the site to make sure I hadn’t missed anything and went to see what all the commotion was about.

They were both staring in the same direction but damned if I could see what they were so excited about. Then I remembered; we were in Richmond. Richmond is known for all it’s rabbits! People have been dropping pet rabbits off for years in Richmond and with the mating habits of the little rascals, Richmond has become over run with the cute but horribly destructive little creatures. It has become a real problem for the city and my dogs wanted to help with some population control!!!

After that first initial sighting Laila especially was obsessed with the rabbits. I could barely drive with her clamoring over me trying to see rabbits. She practically climbed up on the dashboard trying to see. I was laughing so hard I had tears running down my face.

We went for a walk and they saw a couple of baby bunnies bounce into a bush and they bolted after them. I managed to hold onto the dogs but Laila broke the handle of her leash she hit the end of it so hard.

I put them in the truck and took 10 minutes to watch the bunnies eat dinner. There were 2 little black bunnies at first but I had to restart my phone before I could take the pictures and one of them had taken off by then.

He was so cute and had me laughing. He would eat for a few minutes and then burst into a flurry of activity bouncing in circles, eat for a few minutes more and then bounce, kicking up his heels, flipping in the air and then eat some more. I don’t know if he was just hyper or if he thought a moving target was harder to get.

I love being able to stop during my day and enjoy these little surprises.

It was a good day! Sunny, warm, AND productive.

I couldn’t help but think it’s just as well JC didn’t take Kato if his new g/f has two bunnies in the house I think he would have been able to overcome his pain for a frolicking game of “tag” or “hide and seek”. .

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

The Situation

This is the house I was offered but turned down because it was too far out.

This is the house I was offered but turned down because it was too far out.

This is where I am you can see the end of the trailer sticking out of the lean to behind the barn.

This is where I am you can see the end of the trailer sticking out of the lean to behind the barn.

I have lived in some real hell holes with James and always tried to make the best of a bad situation. I have turned absolute slums into homes, I have put gardens in a gravel pit and lived without hot water or toilets, and I have lived with rats and mice, I have lived places no one should ever have to live because I was with James. I am not one to feel sorry for myself for long and always adapt and make the best of it; sometimes I don’t think that is a good trait; sometimes that works to my detriment because before you know it you are stuck in that situation with no way out. This is one of those times; if I don’t get out of here soon I will be stuck and I will lose any progress I’ve made over the last year; I will lose my business and the worst of all; I am losing all hope. I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The trailer is nice enough, a lovely holiday trailer; I am sure there have been many fantastic holidays had in this trailer. It is clean, has a bedroom in the 5th wheel part, a kitchen with good size fridge and a bathroom with a tub. But it is not meant to be lived in let alone with two dogs. I can not deny it is better than sleep in my truck by a long shot. I am not ungrateful and appreciate the effort Jim made getting the trailer and letting me use it but some times a helping hand can be a person’s down fall also, I just don’t see any other options; yet to stay here prevents me from ever finding another option.

It is bad enough that there is no running water, NO water, except what I collect in a bucket when it rains and there has been plenty of rain! There is no sewer so I am not supposed to be using the bathroom but I have been, I may be adaptable and lived in less than ideal situations but I am not about to do my thing out in the fields.

I could probably even adapt to that, I’ve been buying water to drink and washing with the rain water; it’s the no phone service and the fact that I am so far out in the country that kills me. If I were to have another heart attack I would die, plain and simple; I have no phone service and when I park my truck I have to unplug the battery so it doesn’t go dead. Then my starter is going so often times I have to crawl under the truck and bang on the starter several times before it will start. My drivers door doesn’t stay closed unless I close it from the outside; lifting the door as I close it and then hip checking it. I then have to crawl through the window to get in; I can just see me trying to do all that while in the middle of a heart attack or while being attack by some guy or rabid coyotes or some coyotes and some rabid guy. THEN we have the twisty mountain road that is totally unlit and unmarked and once you are down the mountain you still have a half hour drive to the hospital.

I have power and a microwave to cook with. I also heat water in the microwave. The power comes from the barn I am parked beside, the first night Denise and I were here we had a portable heater on (it is always freezing in the trailer even with the heater on, I don’t know why because it isn’t a big trailer you’d think it would warm up quickly but I wear my coat inside) and were microwaving water to wash with and we blew the circuit breaker. Even with the two of us we were too scared to go out to the barn at midnight to flip the switch so we just froze all night. Denise didn’t sleep at all because she could hear the coyotes outside the door all night. I have to watch Kato like a hawk because any chance he gets he wants to take off after whatever it is he smells out there. I know the coyotes have been around the trailer, Kato smells them and I am sure they smell him.

Living up here has added 2 hours to my day in traveling time; at the end of my day it is a 2 hour drive from Amix home and that is a long 2 hours! But not only is it a long drive home it means I must do everything I need to do before going home. I used to go home, change into clean clothes and then go shopping or visit friends; now I can’t do that because I live too far out and can’t afford the fuel plus I don’t have the time to drive up there and turn around and go back down the hill. I have to remember to buy water before I go home, groceries and cigarettes; I haven’t been home before 11 yet. Then there is the problem of eating, when you are away from home that long you have to eat and end up buying dinner out; another expense!

My fuel costs have easily doubled this week, if I stay here I will never save enough to move; this helping hand is keeping me poor but how do I get out of it aside from sleeping in my truck? Which I had to do once this week already. Not just me, but me, Denise and the two dogs. Next post I will tell you how it came to pass that the four of us were huddled in the truck all night.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck using WordPress for BlackBerry.

You can see his back leg kinda pulled up; he does that when he is in pain.

You can see his back leg kinda pulled up; he does that when he is in pain.

I have started so many posts and after a couple of incoherent paragraphs gave up on them. Plain and simple; I have been going through hell and didn’t think I was going to make it back, I’m still not sure I will but I wanted to share something with those of you who have been or are involved with or you know a victim of a narcissist/psychopath; they set out to destroy/kill a person. That may sound severe or melodramatic and I have gone through a week of self doubt that brought me to me knees again and I don’t know how I will survive this latest consequence to being involved with JC. Sometimes I wish he had just killed me (my apologies to anyone who has lost a loved one at the hands of a psychopath; I don’t mean to minimize your pain) because I can’t fathom living the rest of my life this way and I can’t see a way out. One of the biggest incentive I had for not taking a bottle of pills last night was that I knew I would be giving JC the ultimate ego boost and narcissistic supply. You see, I have been researching again and once again found more evidence that they choose outgoing, confident and successful women because it is the ultimate power rush to destroy them.

I don’t know how to briefly describe my last week; it was one of the worst weeks of my life; I shed almost as many tears as I did the first week I was on my own after leaving JC; maybe I even cried more, who knows; when you are a broken person and have no where to turn and no options how do you measure the pain?

I am not even sure where I left you guys and because I don’t have the internet here at the trailer I can’t check my blog to see what I last posted about. You see I am typing this on my laptop and will transfer it to my BB and send it when I get down the hill back to civilization. I think I told you where this trailer is; out in the middle of no where. I am not ungrateful, Jim was the only person to reach out and give me any other option than homelessness but to stay here another day is putting me further in jeopardy of never recovering. It has been 6 days since I had a shower or bath; I have collected rain water and boiled it a bowlful at a time to make warm water and sponge bathed and washed my hair but that is a long process and time is at a premium these days. Time; lack of it, too much of it, the death of me.

Let me just give you a run down and I’ll start with Kato this post.

Last Friday I took Kato and Laila to the river. Kato doesn’t get near enough off leash time and has been really crippled up; old age, damage from when he was so sick years ago and being stuck in the truck so much I am sure. Any way it did my heart good to see him digging in the muck, chewing on sticks and wading in the water, especially with his little shadow Laila mimicking everything daddy did. I was just about to take a picture of them up to their shoulders in mud digging when all of a sudden kato came charging up the beach towards me with Laila right behind. I thought Kato was sucking Laila in by running to me and then he’d take off to get rid of her (she does annoy him) but he ran right past me so I thought he must have seen a rabbit. As Laila went past I stepped on her leash sending her face first into the sand and as I turned to see where Kato was off to I saw him jump and nail a young German Shepherd in the side.

Behind me had been two young guys with two German Shepherds coming down to the beach. I screamed for Kato to come but he was zoned out and ready to fight to the death, luckily I had caught Laila’s leash or she would have been in the middle of the mêlée but I was helpless to stop Kato and told the guy to kick him if he had to in order to get Kato off his dog. The two Shepherds were extremely well behaved and tried to get away but Kato was not backing down. The first guy, the brave soul, got Kato’s head between his legs and held him while the other guy got their dogs out of harms way. I put Kato in a head lock until he calmed down, he was bleeding on one side of his face but it was hard to tell what kind of damage there was.

I was so angry with him, this is the second time he has done this and the only reason I can think of is that he is protecting Laila, he never went out of his way to attack other dogs, if they approached him and were aggressive he would usually throw the first punch but this was totally unprovoked. I think too he knows he is sick and at a disadvantage physically so he is automatically defensive.

He is much too heavy to pack and I was parked a fair distance away. Once I got him far enough away from the other dogs that I was sure he wouldn’t go back for more I left him on the road and went for the truck. I put Laila in the truck and saw Kato limping towards me. I had to hook up the battery and then the truck didn’t start so I had to bang on the starter, it still didn’t start so I was checking the battery connection. Unbeknownst to me, he had come and laid down at my feet and when I went to try the truck again I tripped over him and fell on him, bruising us both. I got him in the truck and checked his wounds; nothing too serious.
I took him back to the old trailer and gave him some low dose aspirin and he slept.

The next day he could barely walk and we picked up Denise (JC’s sister) who was coming to help me move the bigger furniture and to make some money doing the Spring cleanup with me; with her in the truck he had less room to get comfortable and his pain was evident. It breaks my heart to see him like that and he appears to be getting steadily worse. I’ve heard that Shar-pei fever is made worse by stress and it seems true.

The weather has been rainy and cold which doesn’t help and lack of mobility for sure doesn’t help. The trailer we are in now is so small he has to lay down when we are there so he really is confined at all times. If there is one thing I can’t stand it is to see him suffer and I know as hard as it would be for me to give him up it would be the best for him; at least until I can get a better place to live. But who? It has to be someone he knows well and the only people he knows that well are Denise and JC. Denise can’t have dogs where she is and the thought of JC having him and Marisa taking care of him makes me ill but I can’t let my little buddy suffer. I watch him and cry every time I see him struggle to get comfortable, every time he pulled his leg straight up and looked at me with those big soft brown eyes as if to tell me he is in pain, my heart breaks. He deserves a home, Laila deserves a home; I deserve a home. But Kato has been by my side for 7 years, never complaining, faithfully taking whatever came our way, keeping me warm when we slept in the truck, keeping me safe, loving me and I am watching him suffer needlessly.
The breaking point was when Denise tried to get him to move over so she could get in the truck and he refused to budge, she gave him a gentle shove and said, “Come on Kato, move over.” And he growled, he has never growled at any body ever; I knew then that he must be in extreme pain. He is so stoic, so proud he would never show weakness but it was too much for him.

He is still with me but every one that sees him mentions he is in pain. I bought veggies last night and will try feeding him just straight vegetables for a while but I really think it is getting close to the time to say good bye. If I had a normal life and lived in a home I could make him comfortable in his final days and maybe extend his life. He doesn’t deserve to suffer; my brave stoic puppy.

When I let him out at BD now he just slowly wanders around sniffs a bit and pees a lot and then finds a warm place in the sun to lay down. He deserves to lay in the sun; he tries to follow me as I gather up the scrap from the various locations but gets too tired and will find a central spot to watch me from and when he is sure I’m done he will get up and follow me back to the truck.

I give him low dose aspirin for the pain but it upsets his stomach and he pukes. When we take walks now I have to be sure to not get too far from the truck because he’s too heavy to pack and he has a hard time. The spirit is willing but his body is giving out on him. His kidneys I think.

Sometimes I regret having Laila because she bugs him, bites him and generally just tries to taunt him to play with her. Once in a while he will but mostly he wants to lay peacefully in a corner close to me. I feel guilty he has to share my attention but then I am glad I have a little piece of him in Laila.

I don’t know how I will deal with losing him. I’ve been preparing myself his whole life because he was always on borrowed time; at least from the age of one. When he was sick back then I didn’t know his personality because I got him when he was 9 months old and already sick. When he got well I realized how active he was and not being in pain his personality came out. Now I know he must be in extreme pain sometimes just from the way he is acting, his lack of energy and enthusiasm; one thing that never changes is how much he loves me.

When we lived on the farm in Ladner he had a good life with a fenced yard, a pond full of gold fish to play in and a mice to kill. He loved James too and James was good to him (although he fed him Beggin Strips which was a definite No No) I think James loved him as much as a narcissist can love anything.

But the last year hasn’t been very good for him; I’ve been short tempered, sad a lot of the time, preoccupied, he had to share me with Roxy and Laila. We didn’t get much alone time him and I.

I laid with him on the bed last night and held him in my arms and cried. I apologized to him and he laid his head on my chest and I just stroked his belly until his breathing told me he was asleep.

When the time comes I want to find a vet who will come to the house and put him to sleep like that; peacefully in my arms, no fear.

He is what keeps me going right now, I have to stick around long enough to make sure his final days are as comfortable as possible. I hope they won’t be in this trailer. He deserves better.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck using WordPress for BlackBerry.

Who wouldn't love that face?

Who wouldn’t love that face?

Well I finally did it; I dropped Roxy off at her new home.

It was so hard. I left Kato at home so I wouldn’t get stressed and short tempered with them. I wanted a relaxed day with Roxy her last day with me.

I bought her a new collar and teddy to take with her and sent the blanket off the couch that her, Laila and I snuggle up with every night. I thought that was she would have familiar smells tonight.

She went in the house ok, I had Laila with us and she sniffed all over the house. The couple were just thrilled to be getting her and were taking pictures and texting them to family and friends. I am sure she is going to be well cared for.

We went for a walk before I took her over; the people didn’t get home from work until 7:30 so we had some time to kill.

Roxy is just so sensitive, so afraid of making you angry and she was staring at me while we were driving over there. I’m sure she knew something was up. I held her little head next to mine and told her she is such a good girl and she just looked me right in the eyes like she was trying to figure out what was happening.

While she was occupied in the house the husband walked me out to the truck. I wasn’t saying too much, (unusual for me I know haha) but actually when I am sad or upset I get quite quiet. I got in the truck and the guy thanked me and said they’d take good care of her and I can call or visit any time I like. Which I don’t want to do until she is totally settled in because I don’t want to confuse her.

I was just nodding my head and saying , “I know”.

Then he said that his wife and him had been talking about how hard this was going to be for me. And that’s when my chin started to quiver. He’s a pretty big and if you didn’t know him; scary looking guy. Tattoos everywhere and piercings and he said, “I’m a hugger”. And he put his arms around me and gave me the best hug. Not a quick hug, but a really good hug; twice. I must have looked pretty sad I guess.

Well, when I am sad I can usually keep it together pretty good until someone shows me sympathy and then the tears start flowing so I knew I had to get out of there.

As I was pulling away I realized that I haven’t had a hug from a man in a long time. I guess it hasn’t been a year; my son gave me a hug when he left for Alberta. But he doesn’t give good long strong hugs that make you feel like you are safe to let it all out. I think he’s afraid I’ll cry; he hates it when I cry.

I miss being hugged. As strange as it may sound, after me sharing some of the stuff JC did; to say I felt safe when he hugged me. But I did and I miss that.

Anyway, its snowing now and it’s 3 am. I had better try to get some sleep. I hope Roxy is ok.

Kato has been whimpering all night and coming to me and staring at me with questioning eyes. He kept wanting to go outside but then he wanted right back in. He went to the truck, I think he thought I forgot her outside. He’s still awake too. I guess we all miss her. She was a good hugger, Kato isn’t a snuggler like Roxy or Laila; I guess he’s too macho.

Good night all

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