The 3 Phases of a Relationship With a Narcissist




So, you are wondering what the hell happened aren’t you? You thought you had met your soul mate and you were the luckiest person in the world. Of course in phase 1 you weren’t questioning your relationship, but like a switch going off everything changed, even if you can’t put your finger on it, something is very wrong. You entered phase 2, for a while you just chalked it up to him/her having a bad day, or maybe they are sick, maybe they have a brain tumor, or they’re having a nervous breakdown, it took a while before you started searching for answers about why the love of your life had turned on you.

I was into the relationship for over 5 years before I went looking for answers and even then, once I found Narcissist and my ex fit the description almost to a T and our relationship followed the same stages described on various websites, I still didn’t believe he could be unfaithful or would discard me so callously. I believed everyone has good in them and I had seen the good side and if I loved him well enough I could bring that good side out again.

It is almost impossible to get your head around the notion they could ever just toss you aside with nothing and not look back. If anything; while you are reeling in pain from the relationship ending he’ll take the opportunity to give you a kick in the guts a few times for good measure and make sure you and every one who knows you knows it is all your fault.

If you are in phase 2 and think you are hurt and confused please believe me it is nothing compared to the excruciating pain of phase 3. You would be doing yourself a HUGE favor to get out now.

I tend to talk in terms of the narcissist being a male but female narcissists exist and are just as destructive and ……. well………evil. The phases of the relationship are the same whether the narcissist is male or female.

The Phases of Loving a Narcissist



During this phase a narcissist is very loving and is on his/ her best behavior. A narcissist can be extremely charming and loving, which often makes a person fall head over heels in love with them or feel they would be crazy to not love them. In the beginning I felt my ex cared for me more than I cared for him but I had never been loved like that in my life and that is very hard to walk away from. I was perfect in his eyes, to quote him, “Don’t ever change, I love you just the way you are.”

If a narcissist is cheating on his or her present partner with a new lover, it is often more due to the actions of the narcissist than the lover that the relationship started in a first place. While pursuing a new lover, a narcissist is often claiming that he is very unhappy in his/her current relationship, the woman takes him for granted, abuses his good nature and he is carrying the load financially, in the home and emotionally. He will say he has tried and tried and done his grieving of the relationship long ago. He has had to stay because he’s afraid she’ll try to kill herself if he leaves, or she just won’t accept that its over. He is about to get a divorce/separate, has never felt as strongly towards anyone else as he or she is now feeling towards the new lover, etc. If you are the married one he will become your best friend and perhaps even befriend your husband, he will point out how your husband takes you for granted, tell you he wishes he had a woman like you, he will be your perfect match, totally into you, always so happy to see you, wanting to know all about you, your hopes and dreams, you will feel attractive, appreciated, it will be exciting, his romantic gestures will take your breath away, the love-making like nothing you have ever experienced before, you will feel like the sexiest most desirable woman on earth. You will feel you must have this man in your life, you can face anything as long as he has you in his arms. It is intoxicating, you can not believe your good fortune to meet this wonderful man and he loves YOU. A narcissist knows how to say all the right things to make the other person fall hard. The victim often times gives up a perfectly good marriage, moves to be with the narcissist leaving their support network, friends and family behind. They give up an excellent job, invest with the narcissist and are blinded by love; willing to do anything to be with the “love of their life” believing what the narcissist is telling them, that they are soul mates and they have the kind of love fantasies and movies are made of.

Unfortunately this “honeymoon” period never lasts for long. Once the narcissist feels the victim is fully committed they soon grows bored and restless and starts to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply. This is when a narcissist enters the devaluation phase. This is when the victim begins to think that if they just love the narcissist well enough he will go back to the loving attentive man they met. What no one seems to realize is; the narcissist doesn’t get off on your love and admiration, he feeds off of your pain.



During this phase the behavior of a narcissist changes, he becomes cold and uncaring almost overnight. this is when the “mask drops” and you see the real person. The narcissist no longer tells you how much he or she loves you, but instead becomes increasingly critical towards you. Suddenly he/she finds all sorts of flaws in your behavior and possibly also in the way you look. You start to feel increasingly unhappy and depressed, because you have no idea what you have done to deserve to be treated this way. You try to “make him or her love you again”, however nothing you do seems to be good enough and what they want seems to change with the wind. He accuses you of things you aren’t thinking or doing, is controlling, twists your words, where once you could talk about anything calmly and rationally, now every thing turns into a fight. He accuses you of being paranoid,  yet they are snooping through your phone and computer, (my ex even had a tracking device somewhere on my vehicle, I found a hidden camera and his sister found a wire running from the trailer to the barn that had a speaker on the end). They know they are out to destroy you, so assume you must be doing the same thing and want to make sure they get you before you get them.Whatever the narcissist accuses the victim of doing is more than likely what they are doing and worse.

A rule to remember; If their lips are moving, they are lying. They can look you right in the eye and tell you a lie, they can cry real tears and could get an academy award for their acting abilities.

They may be loving in public and then treat the soon-to-be-ex with disdain when they get home, yet expect the victim to stay loving and giving until the narcissist is firmly enmeshed in their new relationship. It is a very confusing time for the victim, one minute they are treated with disgust and the next the narcissist is loving, they are blamed for the problems in the relationship but anything they do to  mend the fences is never good enough. (I went years not knowing if we were broken up or a couple, he could tear me to shreds in the morning before he left for work and come home from work like nothing ever happened). The victim is accused of causing conflict, yet if they give in to the narcissist they are treated even worse.

You find yourself walking on eggshells for fear of sending him into a rage. Everything is your fault, you are paranoid, too sensitive, causing drama and you should know he hates drama. More than likely some addiction like obsessively watching porn has surfaced or he forces you to perform sex acts you aren’t comfortable with, the great sex you once had is a distant memory unless he is trying to win you over after a really bad fight. Female narcissist often use sex as a weapon, withholding or seducing to manipulate the man. Speaking of which they have an uncanny ability to sense when you have had enough and are ready to leave and will turn back into the sweet, appreciative, loving partner you fell in love with just long enough to reel you back in.

During this phase a narcissist may start to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply and may end up cheating or having an affair, however still keeping the current spouse hooked, just in case the new relationship does not work out the way the narcissist is hoping. The narcissist gets a huge ego boost from thinking that two people (the current spouse and the secret lover) are “madly in love” with them.  Plus they get off on being able to pull something off right under the victim’s nose. The narcissist will fly into a rage that you could possibly think he would ever cheat on you and turn the tables so you end up apologizing for accusing them or for some other crime you committed months or years ago. Their crimes are brushed under the carpet while yours are always brought up and never forgiven, even crimes you didn’t commit or even think about committing. (my ex said he screwed around because I could have taken a different man home every night. I said, Key word is “could” have, I didn’t)

They often play one against the other creating triangulation, and then sit back and watch the show. Nothing feeds the ego like having two lovers vying for your affections; doing the “pick me” dance.  Often times they will leave evidence of their cheating around for you to find because your pain serves up such delicious narcissistic supply.

level headed


During the discarding phase the narcissist becomes totally indifferent to the needs or pain of the victim.  Once the victim is no longer useful to the N they discard them like yesterday’s garbage. When a narcissist reaches this phase, there is no chance to reason with a narcissist.

Many victims will say that the discard “came out of the blue” everything was fine and then the narcissist sent an email saying it was over, or the victim is thrown out of the house with nothing, and the narcissist is immediately involved with “the love of their life” and the victim is a psycho bitch or abusive asshole. But when you talk to the victim it comes out that there were signs but the narcissist denied their suspicions, accused them of not loving them enough, made them feel if they only did this……… or that………… things would go back to the way they were. There had been abuse but the victim had just gotten so used to the N being hot and cold, the discord had just become “the way they were” and they believed the narcissist would never truly leave them. Then the victim discovers the narcissist was planning their exit for a long time, has been slandering the victim behind their back, hiding money, and has the victim’s replacement lined up.

Once the narcissist drains his supply, the supply refuses to comply with his demands or the N finds better supply he is ready to move on and if they don’t have new supply lined up they set out to find a new source of NS. At this point he is obvious in his infidelity, short tempered and generally acts as if he hates sharing his air with you. The narcissist picks their love interest by what they have to offer, it might have been a roof over their head, the reputation of the victim, perhaps to advance their career, a parent for their child, status in the community, or something as simply as sex.

If you try to beg a narcissist to get back together with you, you are only feeding their ego and providing him or her with a transient source of a narcissistic supply. The narcissist wants you devastated at the thought of losing them and most victims ends up drained, confused, with their confidence and self-esteem in shreds. A feeling of doom pervades everything in their life and many suffer from PTSD. There is no way to have an amicable split from a narcissist. When a narcissist is done with you he is not happy to just walk away, he wants to destroy you and your reputation. He will turn your friends and your own family against you. If you have children he will turn them against you, he will even go so far as to try to get you fired, arrested on trumped-up charges, victims have even been committed to mental institutions because of the vicious actions of a narcissist.

Out of loyalty the victim didn’t talk behind the narcissist’s back so no one believes them when they try to explain what went on in the relationship. The narcissist has already told everyone who will listen that the victim is a paranoid psychopath who has made their life hell, so anything the victim says is taken as being vindictive and they are the psycho liar the N claims them to be. The narcissist must win, and that means they must take everything from the victim, leaving them with nothing to rebuild their lives. In their minds if you are of no use to them you are worthless. It is at this point the narcissist will have no qualms about killing you and the victim should be very careful (there is a free safety plan download at the top of the blog).

He/she will take great pleasure in rubbing your nose in his new relationship and blame you for the relationship failing. He will say how he has met the love of his life, she is calm and rational, they are soul mates and the new man or woman will be smug about how special they are. They will taunt you to kill yourself, accuse you to your face of doing exactly what they did to you, twist the facts to make themselves look the victim, they will never admit to any fault in the relationship and the victim ends up friendless with no support system because the narcissist carefully planned his/her exit and will just deny deny deny any of the victim’s claims of abuse. It is the victim’s worst nightmare, like they stepped into the twilight zone and are helpless against the vindictiveness of the narc. After all who can believe anyone can be that cruel and conniving. That is why only someone who has been there can understand and believe the victim.

THEN, just when you are starting to heal and get your legs under you he will pop back into your life, professing his love, tears and all, apologizing for everything he ever did and you believe your prayers have been answered, the man you fell in love with is back and you fall lovingly into his arms. The arms of the devil. As he holds you telling you how much he loves you and how sorry he is, he is secretly laughing and giving himself a pat on the back for being so clever and irresistible, and planning how he will punish you for being so stupid as to believe him. In his mind you deserve to be punished for your gullibility and he feels superior to have that kind of control over you. The cycle begins again only much worse this time.

If you found this article helpful you will probably find the following posts of interest also.

2,765 thoughts on “The 3 Phases of a Relationship With a Narcissist

  1. Sabrina Serigne



    1. MeMe

      Sabrina I was with mine for 13yrs. also, ended it on Valentine’s Day this year….. I couldn’t take it anymore. He was not gonna change, after 13yrs I refused to live my 30’s like I did my 20’s…..
      Mine also did not want me to work, that is all about manipulation & control, his excuse to “work” so much is to cover up his affairs…. But he will say, it’s so you & the kids can live comfortably and everyone can praise him for taking such good care of his family. Although they don’t know your life is pure hell with him. He wants you to depend on him for everything, to make him feel that you need him. And when he controls the money and you don’t work, you do need him….. My narc did the same exact thing but I still got away…. I was getting him out of my life if I only had two cent…. I refused to let him drive me crazy. Now he’s someone else’s problem. She doesn’t know what she’s getting into, and is not as half as strong as me…… So I know he’ll destroy her….. It’s so sad that I know what’s about to happen and can’t do anything to stop it. No one deserves to go through narcissist abuse….


  2. Rosa De Love

    I am a married woman, married to a man with great narcissistic tendencies. I was anused emotionally and broken down for years. I then met a man who swept me off my feet, I will include a stroy I wrote about how this “affair” turned out…. He turned out to be a narcissist of the worst kind with certain anti social tendencies….. My short story explains the inner agony and destruction created by being drawn in by and falling in love with a narcissist.
    The journey

    To write it down was his advice mmmm… Well he said i should repeat that i forgive him and i forgive myself …. Well….

    How does one go the journey of releasing and letting go the pain?? Interesting question??

    Also I need to ask myself why it is she still so slumped and sad ? She cant move… She lies on the floor…. Bent over head down … Sad and broken…

    What was it that made her heart so sad ? How did he take so much from her …. She sometimes lifts her head and mostly puts it straight back down… Defeated and immersed in a pain so debilitating that she cant even cry the tears … She feels as if she is paralyzed.

    Who was this person that did this to her ? How could a man steal the life from her ? How was it that she was so ripped apart by someone so broken himself?

    Sometimes I remember to reach out and place my hand on her weary back and stroke her and let her know that it is ok… That she will survive and find the life inside of her … Sometimes i feel it with her and forget about my life as it is and become one with her pain.

    So many beautiful moments, so much love so much passion and they had together. She was alive and felt so beautiful and special. She felt as if she really mattered as if there was a man to take care of her and make her feel like a woman. She felt sensual and sexy and I imagine she felt so wanted by him…. Something so new and precious to her that she made it her world and made him her reason for being.

    But then he left her, he betrayed her and put others in her place. He made her feel as she had for so many years…. The lies one after the other shot through her like arrows piecing deep inside her soul… Wounding her so deeply, she fought and clung on hoping and praying that each stab would be the last and that the clock would rewind back to the way he had loved her.

    She felt so helpless and angry that he had stood by others over her and believed the deep lies and manipulation of those that he hardy knew! Her deep pain it seems comes from that he gave up on her and that she wonders if she actually really knew him at all. He had declared his undying and eternal love for her in pso many ways. She believed him as the truth lay in his beautiful blue green eyes.

    He did love her she knows that so how could he make another his before he had said goodbye to her. She loved him so insanely it was beautiful. But that was why she has curled up on the floor and cant get up. What and who did she love?

    I try and help her find the answers. There are none. She is not the only person ever to lose a lover and too be thrown away and tossed aside. How she wished she could understand and how I wish i could help her find the answers. However together her and I are at a loss to find the answer. I cant help her … Only time will heal her bleeding heart and heal her piecing wounds.

    Well she needs to know that he is gone. She needs to know that maybe it wasnt real to begin with … She needs to know that his illness was exactly that which he did to her … He really was not worth her pain …

    So i need to tell her to look at whats real. To see how much she has. The physical is only a special treat that not everyone gets to have. Yes i know she yearns for that beautiful loving… Her body needs him still… But i need to tell her that he is no longer what she thought he was … And probably never was.

    So i stroke her and let her know its ok … And she lifts her head … just a little … It feels to me like feeding soup to a sick person in order to I help them gather their strength, one spoon at a time.

    Again another day… No sound from him and she is hurting still. She seems to be coming to accept that this is how it will be, though she now feels anger and wants to spit out at him and make him hurt, but she knows she cant. She realises he really doesnt care much and that no amount of anything will even make a tiny dent in his life. As if she never was a part of his life.

    Each day we wait to hear from him , each day we hope but we know that as time stretches further away he is not coming back.

    I ask her why she would want to subject herself to that again ? Why would she want to feel that pain again? She says she really just wants to know that he feels sorry for what he did to her and that she didnt deserve to be battered in such a cruel way. She wants to know that he thinks of her and misses her too. She wants to know why someone so much less than her was his choice to replace her ?

    She wont get those answers … I know that!!

    She misses him so much … Yes shredded is a good word … He broke her … He tore her to pieces

    Another day and where we are right now is so different. I still love him and always will. I breathe easy coz I can speak to him if I need to or want to. I realize however that perhaps he’s not anything I want. She is standing up now and drinking water from a stream… Cupping her hands and tasting the sweetness of freedom.

    The pain she felt has gone … It’s lifted and has begun to heal to the point of her and I almost being joined as one again.

    I feel sad for him for the choices he’s made … She feels sad for him because he is humiliating himself again and repeating a pattern in his life that won’t serve him.

    She dances with joy and I watch in delight … So good to feel free of all that has gone before us. She is stronger… She is healthy and she has a power within her to move herself forward one tiny step at a time.

    She is worth so much more than him. She is worth so much more than even what he believes is ok for now. He is her past and goodness knows what the future holds for us but for right now it’s just this moment. The one we are in right now..

    There still are tweaks of pain here and there in her heart but that’s just her ego mostly she feels sorry for him … He is so broken and wounded and yes … Sick…. But u know what… It’s not our job to fix him. What a freedom, what a blessing, what a beautiful view to the future .


  3. Pat

    1 6 years of abuse. I thought that he would eventually stop ghosting and stay forever. Last summer I tried harder than ever. I was off from work and played house with him. He started devaluing me and just watching tv. But I continued to try to no avail. Then in november the holidays were starting to approach he left. He went to his sisters to watch his nephew while his sister was in the hospital he was suppost to be home after one day. He never came back. This has been the pattern he leaves I wait. He returns he gets bored he leaves I wait nd so on. He excluded me from his children and we have no mutal friends. I feel isolated and abandoned. I have gone no contact and am determed to successful ly end this pattern forever. He is cruel beyond imagination. Because of this pattern I have lost all my friends and social contacts.
    I am in abuse couseling thank God. But my spirit is broken after years of manipulation and false promises and control.


    1. Barbara

      To Pat and Rosa,

      I am pleased you are in abuse counselling Pat, talking about it helps you analyse your feelings more. Only when you start to understand yourself and your reactions to the abuser (which he will have manipulated and controlled) will you be able to rationalise it all and move forward to a new life.

      Have you thought that with him coming and then leaving you for such long periods he probably has several women on the go at once? I think it is highly likely that this is the case.

      He has you walking down a long narrow corridor with a glint of light at the end that represents the possibility of getting to him and love and happiness. It is all false. Stop walking down the lonely corridor and open some of the doors at the side. They offer new friends, interests and life fulfilment. It might take a few wrong openings, but eventually you will find a new life that suits you.

      Beware he will not want to set you free, he likes you to sit waiting like a pathetic slave. But you are not a slave are you? You are a person deserving to love and be loved back. Don’t settle for anything less.


  4. Helpless

    I’ve been going tbrought this for a year. He continued to fool me each time until I started researching personality disorders and he is textbook N. I feel like he’s a drug – I love him and I’m not sure why anymore either. When we are apart I pray he will text or call. Last night he kept asking to come see me (has been for days), and I finally gave in. All for him to show up after over a month and tell me he has a new gf. Still cut me down and told me I was the crazy one, etc. He even told me he ended our relationship the “classy way” but not saying a word. No closure, just the silent treatment. He also told me a few things that led me to believe he’s been stalking me. Oh the best part – we work together so I have to see him. I need to move on with my life but I feel like he has partially destroyed me. I trusted him and was so good to him. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I know I should block him, but can’t seem to make myself do it. Any advice would be most helpful.


  5. eviesunshine

    God help me…. I broke up with one, 2nd one in my life… and this one is pure evil and getting worse. I have blocked him from everything, but he gets others to contact me… and since we play dart tournaments together, I’ve had to stop going to them. He still believes I am his girl. His threats are short of being violent, but it’s there… I’m not being paranoid and everyone around him thinks he’s a great human. I have 800 emails saying otherwise…. I wish he’d find another victim, sorry to say that…. but I’m on the brink of moving to a secluded area.


    1. Barbara

      I think if you move he will still find you and if you are somewhere new you will not have anyone to turn to if he does get violent.

      I think if I was you I would show the emails and any other evidence to a solicitor. A warning letter from a solicitor might just pull him back a bit, plus put off the others he has used to contact you as they wouldn’t want to get involved.

      Taking some sort of definite action like that will show him you are not going to cower and roll over and take the bullying from him. I don’t think a bit of advice and a letter would cost that much and it would give you peace of mind that you have someone with a bit of power to turn to should the need arise. Also, it would have laid the ground should things escallate in your favour.


  6. Tiffunique

    Hello I’m a mom of 3 boys I’m now 34yrs old when I meet my guy I was 27 and at that time I only had 1child whom father had just passed away so already I was in a fucked up place about a yr or so later I meet this guy he was so good to me he made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl in the world I’m talking bout he gave me a feeling I could never explain,we soon moved in together and everything was so good until I start to realize this man couldn’t keep a job the bills was always on me but I over looked it because I was so in love with him and I wanted to keep him around so I would do any and everything just to please this guy but all that I was doin for him seem to go unnoticed he start to talk down on me even told me I was one of the most unattractive women he had ever been wit ,oh boy if I didn’t have low self esteem before I sure did have it now when I say I did everything so he could see me as the beautiful person he fell in love with but nothing worked until one day I found out he was cheating on me that’s when I became beautiful again that’s when he was loving me like when I first met him just so I wouldn’t break up with him and put him out. I fell this trick time after time he cheated so much that I was use to it I was use to the make up break up routine he would move out for a month or two then like clockwork he would be Rt back at my door telling me how life ain’t the same if he don’t have me in it and how he just wants to stop playing these games wit me and get married and live happy wit me as his wife I would take him back and put everything he did to me behind us,after a while like always he would say that I was fuckn around when we broke up and he just can’t see having a slut for a wife out of the blue, but by this time I was so broken I didn’t know wht to do let alone I find out I’m pregnant omg wht am I going to do I don’t want my baby not having his dad around so when I tell you he used this to his advantage but the stress was so bad I lost the baby at 22weeks if I thought my life couldn’t get any worse I just wanted to die after that I broke it off for good Atleast that’s what I thought so maybe 6mos to a yr we was broken up he came back now he had to pull out the big guns his dad was on his death bed and he just needed me by his side we was supposed to be a family I can’t live this life if you not wit me please give us another chance to make it Rt I promise it won’t be like last time I will be everything & do everything I need to do to keep you,so now I’m thinking oh my look how the tables have turned but when it was all said and done he had motives he made sure I got pregnant had the baby then got me pregnant again then his ass took all his things and moved out and told me now no one will want me with 3kids especially with 2 lil babies I already had a mild case of postpartum and he made it worse I went in to the hospital and the doctor told me if I don’t get myself together my kids wouldn’t have a mom so I prayed that I snap out of it and just like that I was starting to get my life in order wit my first child been 14 at the time he helped me so much with his brothers if I didn’t have my 14 yr old I don’t think I would have made it so here we are 6/7yrs later and I still a have this man controlling my life he say along as I have his kids I’ll always be apart of his life no matter who’s he wit they don’t matter only thing that matters to him is me and Kids any woman that he is wit he could and will walk away from them to have his family back I’m fell for this one to many times I told him to stick wit the girl he is with I’m sick of the lie the heartbreak the never ending cycle so since I’m not felling for the bs he told me he was better off with her anyways cause if it wasn’t for me working and caring for my kids he would not have met the love of his life lol I’m like ok I’m at the point that I thought I would never see I’m so broken mentally and physically that I have no more to give for now we dont talk he don’t help me wit the kids this girl he with keep calling my phone I had to tell her she don’t even know wht she is getting herself into she said she love him and she can fix him lol thought the same thing until I got beat down by his selfless way but she will she what looks good at ways good anyways keep my and my boys in your prayers trying to get my life back is one of the hardest things ever but for the sake of my boys I have to stay strong I hope my story help someone


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Tiffunique, welcome to my site; I am sorry you have had to suffer through this for so many years! Your story is so similar to so many people’s. I did the same thing for 10 years, minus having kids with him. I have always been thankful we never had children. I always feel extra sorry for anyone wwo has a child with a narcissist.
      Does your ex pay child support? does he see the children regularly? If not you need to get tough and draw up a proper and legal document setting child support payments and visitation. If he won’t sign it, you can get the courts to draw it up and it doesn’t matter if he is there or not.
      Once you have it on paper and legal than you can stop all communication with him and his gf, (why the hell is she calling you anyway and why are you talking to her, hang up!)
      The only thing you need to talk to him about is if one of his kids is sick. That’s it. If visitation is laid out properly it will state what days and times and where the pick up and drop off is to be. If he doesn’t show, make a note of it, do not switch days, don’t listen to his excuses. Don’t reply to his emails, texts or phone calls; nor those from his gf. WTF? You need to stop discussing him with her!! YOu need to stop discussing him period and find your own happiness.
      They do not have as much control as they like to think, we give them that control because we are afraid to make them angry or we don’t want them to think we aren’t nice.
      You need to stop thinking of yourself as a victim, you have choices and you certainly have the choice as to whether you talk to his new woman.
      Some truths you need to remember and keep repeating to yourself:
      – You know how he treated you, she does not, no one else does except you and him. He sure the hell isn’t going to admit to it and you don’t have to prove it to anyone.
      – He is love bombing her right now and of course she is thinking she is special and her special love is going to save him, we have ALL been there.
      – You are never going to convince her otherwise; that is something she has to learn on her own.
      – You trying to convince her that he will abuse her also is only making you look like the jealous vindictive ex he is saying you are, or that you want him back.
      – YOU dumped his ass, remember??? keep remembering it! you are not the one at fault here, he is the abusive loser. YOU
      did not lose anything worth having, she did not get the “big prize”. Don’t let him switch the facts around. Stay focussed on the facts not ego, wishful thinking, or the lies he tells, YOU know the truth and you have to keep reminding yourself of the truth.!!
      – He is a narcissist so he is telling all kinds of lies about you and blaming you for everything. That is just the way narcissists are, you don’t need to hear what he is saying about you or what he is doing with his life now.
      – He is no doubt enjoying and encouraging the interaction between the two women, narcs love triangulation.
      – As long as you are trying to convince her that he is an asshole the harder he will try to prove you wrong. You want him to show his true colors then stop trying to convince people, then he will let his guard down. You are enabling him to suck her in.
      – Having three kids does not make you unattractive to other men, my God!! I knew a woman with 6 kids who never had a hard time getting a man.
      – The place you need to get to is being at peace without a man in your life, not to hate men, but to not NEED a man to feel whole, attractive and happy.
      Keep coming and commenting, we are here for you. Hugs


    2. Juliette

      Wow, thought I was reading my life! I’m 28 and have 3 kids. My oldest is leaving this week to go stay with my mom because I can’t take care of her because I’m so depressed. All I can do is lay in the bed. I went on his facebook today and another girl tagged him saying now in a relationship! I was just with him a week ago! I want to die my young sons are the only thing keeping me from giving up on life. I’m so broken I would love to speak with you more


    3. Juliette

      Wow, thought I was reading my life! I’m 28 and have 3 kids. My oldest is leaving this week to go stay with my mom because I can’t take care of her because I’m so depressed. All I can do is lay in the bed. I went on his facebook today and another girl tagged him saying now in a relationship! I was just with him a week ago! I want to die my young sons are the only thing keeping me from giving up on life. I’m so broken I would love to speak with you more


  7. Simon

    I sympathise having been in a similar situation.

    Unfortunately sharing kids my N and I are forced to maintain some contact, even with a very specific court order.

    My Ns behaviour doesn’t get any better. I have learned lots about narcissistic personality but it still surprises me how anyone can be so callous.

    I used to wonder why I was drawn in by her, but learning that one of my close family was narcissistic explained why I didn’t sense her sooner.

    Stuck with at least two – a relative and an ex, both complete narcs.

    Learning to live secretly to get away from them. It really makes me despise other people. Want to be free.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Simon, welcome to the site. I took the liberty of removing your last name for your own privacy and safety. Keep reading and educating yourself about narcissists, it does help to know what you are dealing with. There is nothing wrong with you, you were not attracted to her because she was a narcissist, you were attracted to her because she pretended to be your perfect partner, it was all an act to suck you in. The reason she can be so cold hearted is because her brain is not wired like a normal person, she does not have the capacity to feel guilt or remorse, she has no conscience. She is disabled.


    2. Tiffunique

      You are so Rt I should have never got on the phone with her I should have not even answered it ,I’m so mad at my self for even entertaining the foolishness ,no he don’t help me at all he don’t pay child support,he don’t keep a job long enough,he said he don’t care if he don’t see the kids he’s with the love of his life and they are going to get married and can make more kids,he said he got one life to live and he’s living only for himself….smh…I no I’m at the point in my life where GoD wanted me to be, I used to always think I needed a man, but where I’m at now in life,I know I only need to value myself more cause I’m the prize I’m working on me every day …I pray everyday and focus on my boys I cry a lot but I know it’s part of the cleansing process I also know what GOD got in store for my life will be far greater then wht I thought I lost,I know it’s going to be something so great I can just feel it …Im so very greatful that I found your page someone told me he was a Narcissis and I didn’t know what it meant I till I went looking for answers when I read your page I’m thinking omg I can’t believe its
      more people in the world like him for the longest I never knew why he treated me so bad but now I see why because He got off on cheating and making me feel like it was my fault making me think I didn’t love him the Rt way so I always take him back,he was so happy that I was so weak this whole thing is still fresh only a few weeks but the way I’m feeling I could never go back I want nothing more to do with him if he don’t want to be a part of our kids life I’m ok with that as well I have fully excepted the fact that he is a selfish person whom care about no not even his kids so I thank you Carrie for sharing your story and putting a clear mean the wht was happening


      1. Juliette

        I literally feel sick… I know exactly how she is feeling right now thinking he is so in love with her. they have both deactivated their facebook pages so I guess he told her let get off social media and focus on each other. I’m devastated!! my sons are 1 year old and 2 years old. and now my daughter is leaving to have a better life because im so distraught I cant pay attention to her. I want to quit my job so bad I don’t want to do anything. I keep calling his phone and im sure he loves it. just 4 days ago he told me hes not dealing with nobody he just staying away from me because im crazy. I feel like if I leave she will become the new girlfriend. My worst fear, and I know he is giving her frequent amazing sex and attention. that’s how he got me I was love drunk….


        1. Barbara

          Have you been and told your doctor how low you are feeling? I think you are possibly clinically depressed, which is not at all surprising when dealing with a narc. Please go to see your doctor and keep reading and pouring out your feelings on this site. You are not alone and we are all rooting for each other on this site of Carrie’s.


  8. fee

    I so feel for you Juliette, your where I was 3 years ago. You are mentally torturing yourself, like you haven’t gone through enough. You now play scenarios in your head that may or may not be happening. I promise you this….and it is tough believe me I know…if you can read everything on here, if you start (wont be easy) to think of yourself and your love for your children which will always be solid, slowly you will begin to fix. The more you get to see what he is doing the more you will torment yourself. He wont be thinking regards you, he will be living is life. I made the mistake when I found out I was pregnant. We had already split because of his actions and I knew throughout my pregnancy even though he was saying he loved myself, I knew he was seeing others. I stood strong in not contacting him, I cant even tell you how broken I was. I left my job, I was too ashamed to show my bump, I was nearly 40 and single and now being mentally ground down. I was being blackmailed and he threatened so much one minuet and the next so loving, it really had an affect on me. I decided to go report myself for everything he said, I was sick of him hanging over my head. Eventually he met the one he is with now and he left me alone, I am thankful because that’s when I begun to heal. I realised my worth isn’t based on his say so anymore, I give everything to someone who had the power to finish me off and who regularly threatened too, who didn’t give a hoot regards baby, if they did then they would of financially supported them and gone for help, neither was forecoming. Now our child is 2, he as decided to show up and take me to court to see him. So much went on I needed to see something that said he could look after our child but he refused to admit anything he did, and it is vile. So we are going through court and I have just received his statement, I cant even begin to tell you how much strength I needed to fight for my son, but to read his unbelievable lies and now witnesses coming to court, along with his new woman it is just cruel…but my feelings for him are nothing and I am thankful for that because if he had gone ;nice; and showed me he had changed I think I would of been screwed, I actually thought nothing seeing him with another woman, just sympathy for her. It will get better I promise you it will but them early days are horrible and I really feel for you. Please keep reading, it will dawn on you one day that the time you are sad or broken is actually the time to fill in your hurt because someone treated you so poorly and you have every right to be all of them things, however, the only one you are hurting now is you and this is why the answers you will find here are so important to your recovery…please keep strong, hug your children, its the one love that will last forever xx


  9. Sarah

    Just came across this post and am ashamed to say I have been living this for over 14 years. I thought I had finally let go over the summer but got dragged back in again. Now he is more threatening abusive and destructive as I use my voice. Just don’t know how to let go with having 4 kids


  10. anon.

    Wow. This has just described my partner EXACTLY. He left me four days ago for another woman. His behaviours moved in the exact stages as above. I was lucky. I almost moved in with him so ive no doubt I would have ended up homeless if I had not trusted my instincts. The longer ive been away the clearer it all gets and after reading this im sure he had some narc qualities. It may have been his ex wife he was cheating with but whoever it is is now in for misery. Im lucky I guess. He has not quite destroyed my life. Im strong so picking myself up. I must because I fear that he knows where I live of course. I deleted my number from his phone but there is always fear. Seems he likes to hop about between women yet swears to be one of the good ones to your face. Wow. This really has me wondering. Thank you for this read. Its made me sure that putting up with this treatment is not on. Whether he is a narc or not im better off away and I need to be very careful for the future.


    1. Barbara

      Well done for going with your instincts. So often we all push those instincs aside even though deep down we know we are heading for disaster.
      He probably will not give up on you though. Often narcs seem to reappear on people’s doorsteps years after as if they are old friends you will be delighted to see. If he does, do not let him in the door for a coffee or anything.



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