The 3 Phases of a Relationship With a Narcissist

 

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Welcome!

So, you are wondering what the hell happened aren’t you? You thought you had met your soul mate and you were the luckiest person in the world. Of course in phase 1 you weren’t questioning your relationship, but like a switch going off everything changed, even if you can’t put your finger on it, something is very wrong. You entered phase 2, for a while you just chalked it up to him/her having a bad day, or maybe they are sick, maybe they have a brain tumor, or they’re having a nervous breakdown, it took a while before you started searching for answers about why the love of your life had turned on you.

I was into the relationship for over 5 years before I went looking for answers and even then, once I found Narcissist and my ex fit the description almost to a T and our relationship followed the same stages described on various websites, I still didn’t believe he could be unfaithful or would discard me so callously. I believed everyone has good in them and I had seen the good side and if I loved him well enough I could bring that good side out again.

It is almost impossible to get your head around the notion they could ever just toss you aside with nothing and not look back. If anything; while you are reeling in pain from the relationship ending he’ll take the opportunity to give you a kick in the guts a few times for good measure and make sure you and every one who knows you knows it is all your fault.

If you are in phase 2 and think you are hurt and confused please believe me it is nothing compared to the excruciating pain of phase 3. You would be doing yourself a HUGE favor to get out now.

I tend to talk in terms of the narcissist being a male but female narcissists exist and are just as destructive and ……. well………evil. The phases of the relationship are the same whether the narcissist is male or female.

The Phases of Loving a Narcissist

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Idealization

During this phase a narcissist is very loving and is on his/ her best behavior. A narcissist can be extremely charming and loving, which often makes a person fall head over heels in love with them or feel they would be crazy to not love them. In the beginning I felt my ex cared for me more than I cared for him but I had never been loved like that in my life and that is very hard to walk away from. I was perfect in his eyes, to quote him, “Don’t ever change, I love you just the way you are.”

If a narcissist is cheating on his or her present partner with a new lover, it is often more due to the actions of the narcissist than the lover that the relationship started in a first place. While pursuing a new lover, a narcissist is often claiming that he is very unhappy in his/her current relationship, the woman takes him for granted, abuses his good nature and he is carrying the load financially, in the home and emotionally. He will say he has tried and tried and done his grieving of the relationship long ago. He has had to stay because he’s afraid she’ll try to kill herself if he leaves, or she just won’t accept that its over. He is about to get a divorce/separate, has never felt as strongly towards anyone else as he or she is now feeling towards the new lover, etc. If you are the married one he will become your best friend and perhaps even befriend your husband, he will point out how your husband takes you for granted, tell you he wishes he had a woman like you, he will be your perfect match, totally into you, always so happy to see you, wanting to know all about you, your hopes and dreams, you will feel attractive, appreciated, it will be exciting, his romantic gestures will take your breath away, the love-making like nothing you have ever experienced before, you will feel like the sexiest most desirable woman on earth. You will feel you must have this man in your life, you can face anything as long as he has you in his arms. It is intoxicating, you can not believe your good fortune to meet this wonderful man and he loves YOU. A narcissist knows how to say all the right things to make the other person fall hard. The victim often times gives up a perfectly good marriage, moves to be with the narcissist leaving their support network, friends and family behind. They give up an excellent job, invest with the narcissist and are blinded by love; willing to do anything to be with the “love of their life” believing what the narcissist is telling them, that they are soul mates and they have the kind of love fantasies and movies are made of.

Unfortunately this “honeymoon” period never lasts for long. Once the narcissist feels the victim is fully committed they soon grows bored and restless and starts to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply. This is when a narcissist enters the devaluation phase. This is when the victim begins to think that if they just love the narcissist well enough he will go back to the loving attentive man they met. What no one seems to realize is; the narcissist doesn’t get off on your love and admiration, he feeds off of your pain.

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Devaluation

During this phase the behavior of a narcissist changes, he becomes cold and uncaring almost overnight. this is when the “mask drops” and you see the real person. The narcissist no longer tells you how much he or she loves you, but instead becomes increasingly critical towards you. Suddenly he/she finds all sorts of flaws in your behavior and possibly also in the way you look. You start to feel increasingly unhappy and depressed, because you have no idea what you have done to deserve to be treated this way. You try to “make him or her love you again”, however nothing you do seems to be good enough and what they want seems to change with the wind. He accuses you of things you aren’t thinking or doing, is controlling, twists your words, where once you could talk about anything calmly and rationally, now every thing turns into a fight. He accuses you of being paranoid,  yet they are snooping through your phone and computer, (my ex even had a tracking device somewhere on my vehicle, I found a hidden camera and his sister found a wire running from the trailer to the barn that had a speaker on the end). They know they are out to destroy you, so assume you must be doing the same thing and want to make sure they get you before you get them.Whatever the narcissist accuses the victim of doing is more than likely what they are doing and worse.

A rule to remember; If their lips are moving, they are lying. They can look you right in the eye and tell you a lie, they can cry real tears and could get an academy award for their acting abilities.

They may be loving in public and then treat the soon-to-be-ex with disdain when they get home, yet expect the victim to stay loving and giving until the narcissist is firmly enmeshed in their new relationship. It is a very confusing time for the victim, one minute they are treated with disgust and the next the narcissist is loving, they are blamed for the problems in the relationship but anything they do to  mend the fences is never good enough. (I went years not knowing if we were broken up or a couple, he could tear me to shreds in the morning before he left for work and come home from work like nothing ever happened). The victim is accused of causing conflict, yet if they give in to the narcissist they are treated even worse.

You find yourself walking on eggshells for fear of sending him into a rage. Everything is your fault, you are paranoid, too sensitive, causing drama and you should know he hates drama. More than likely some addiction like obsessively watching porn has surfaced or he forces you to perform sex acts you aren’t comfortable with, the great sex you once had is a distant memory unless he is trying to win you over after a really bad fight. Female narcissist often use sex as a weapon, withholding or seducing to manipulate the man. Speaking of which they have an uncanny ability to sense when you have had enough and are ready to leave and will turn back into the sweet, appreciative, loving partner you fell in love with just long enough to reel you back in.

During this phase a narcissist may start to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply and may end up cheating or having an affair, however still keeping the current spouse hooked, just in case the new relationship does not work out the way the narcissist is hoping. The narcissist gets a huge ego boost from thinking that two people (the current spouse and the secret lover) are “madly in love” with them.  Plus they get off on being able to pull something off right under the victim’s nose. The narcissist will fly into a rage that you could possibly think he would ever cheat on you and turn the tables so you end up apologizing for accusing them or for some other crime you committed months or years ago. Their crimes are brushed under the carpet while yours are always brought up and never forgiven, even crimes you didn’t commit or even think about committing. (my ex said he screwed around because I could have taken a different man home every night. I said, Key word is “could” have, I didn’t)

They often play one against the other creating triangulation, and then sit back and watch the show. Nothing feeds the ego like having two lovers vying for your affections; doing the “pick me” dance.  Often times they will leave evidence of their cheating around for you to find because your pain serves up such delicious narcissistic supply.

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Discarding

During the discarding phase the narcissist becomes totally indifferent to the needs or pain of the victim.  Once the victim is no longer useful to the N they discard them like yesterday’s garbage. When a narcissist reaches this phase, there is no chance to reason with a narcissist.

Many victims will say that the discard “came out of the blue” everything was fine and then the narcissist sent an email saying it was over, or the victim is thrown out of the house with nothing, and the narcissist is immediately involved with “the love of their life” and the victim is a psycho bitch or abusive asshole. But when you talk to the victim it comes out that there were signs but the narcissist denied their suspicions, accused them of not loving them enough, made them feel if they only did this……… or that………… things would go back to the way they were. There had been abuse but the victim had just gotten so used to the N being hot and cold, the discord had just become “the way they were” and they believed the narcissist would never truly leave them. Then the victim discovers the narcissist was planning their exit for a long time, has been slandering the victim behind their back, hiding money, and has the victim’s replacement lined up.

Once the narcissist drains his supply, the supply refuses to comply with his demands or the N finds better supply he is ready to move on and if they don’t have new supply lined up they set out to find a new source of NS. At this point he is obvious in his infidelity, short tempered and generally acts as if he hates sharing his air with you. The narcissist picks their love interest by what they have to offer, it might have been a roof over their head, the reputation of the victim, perhaps to advance their career, a parent for their child, status in the community, or something as simply as sex.

If you try to beg a narcissist to get back together with you, you are only feeding their ego and providing him or her with a transient source of a narcissistic supply. The narcissist wants you devastated at the thought of losing them and most victims ends up drained, confused, with their confidence and self-esteem in shreds. A feeling of doom pervades everything in their life and many suffer from PTSD. There is no way to have an amicable split from a narcissist. When a narcissist is done with you he is not happy to just walk away, he wants to destroy you and your reputation. He will turn your friends and your own family against you. If you have children he will turn them against you, he will even go so far as to try to get you fired, arrested on trumped-up charges, victims have even been committed to mental institutions because of the vicious actions of a narcissist.

Out of loyalty the victim didn’t talk behind the narcissist’s back so no one believes them when they try to explain what went on in the relationship. The narcissist has already told everyone who will listen that the victim is a paranoid psychopath who has made their life hell, so anything the victim says is taken as being vindictive and they are the psycho liar the N claims them to be. The narcissist must win, and that means they must take everything from the victim, leaving them with nothing to rebuild their lives. In their minds if you are of no use to them you are worthless. It is at this point the narcissist will have no qualms about killing you and the victim should be very careful (there is a free safety plan download at the top of the blog).

He/she will take great pleasure in rubbing your nose in his new relationship and blame you for the relationship failing. He will say how he has met the love of his life, she is calm and rational, they are soul mates and the new man or woman will be smug about how special they are. They will taunt you to kill yourself, accuse you to your face of doing exactly what they did to you, twist the facts to make themselves look the victim, they will never admit to any fault in the relationship and the victim ends up friendless with no support system because the narcissist carefully planned his/her exit and will just deny deny deny any of the victim’s claims of abuse. It is the victim’s worst nightmare, like they stepped into the twilight zone and are helpless against the vindictiveness of the narc. After all who can believe anyone can be that cruel and conniving. That is why only someone who has been there can understand and believe the victim.

THEN, just when you are starting to heal and get your legs under you he will pop back into your life, professing his love, tears and all, apologizing for everything he ever did and you believe your prayers have been answered, the man you fell in love with is back and you fall lovingly into his arms. The arms of the devil. As he holds you telling you how much he loves you and how sorry he is, he is secretly laughing and giving himself a pat on the back for being so clever and irresistible, and planning how he will punish you for being so stupid as to believe him. In his mind you deserve to be punished for your gullibility and he feels superior to have that kind of control over you. The cycle begins again only much worse this time.

If you found this article helpful you will probably find the following posts of interest also.

https://ladywithatruck.com/2014/01/30/search-terms-on-narcissists/

https://ladywithatruck.com/xmlrpc.php

https://ladywithatruck.com/abuse-can-be-subtle-and-deadly/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2013/08/15/whats-in-a-name/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2013/11/01/did-heshe-ever-love-me-2/

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2,998 thoughts on “The 3 Phases of a Relationship With a Narcissist

  1. For me, I was able to leave as Phase 1 and 2 began to overlap. And it wasn’t me, specifically, that he was devaluing; it was my 5-year-old son with my estranged husband.

    As i found myself crying myself to sleep after an exhausting day of getting between the two and trying to make the peace, I started questioning what I was doing. Was this ideal love worth the abuse my son was getting? What was this mental abuse doing to my child?

    I will give you an example:
    My son is short, even shorter than most 5-year-old boys. When he used the narcissist’s toilet, he never raised the seat because it would be level with his penis, and my son didn’t like it to touch the cold porcelain. (Can’t blame him.) So, he would often pee on the seat and not wipe it off. A couple little drips. As a mom, I expected it, especially for a 5-year-old. Well, the narcissist made a huge deal about it and refused to let my son pee without lifting the seat, wiping the toilet down, and then washing his hands. To enforce this, the bastard narcissist would stand in the doorway of the bathroom with his hand on his hip looking over my son. “Armando, lift the seat.” “Armando, I think you need to wipe the rim.” “Don’t forget to flush.” “Armando, use the soap and let it lather.” This was EVERY God Damn time my son used the toilet at the narcissist’s house. I asked the narc NOT to do that. I explained that it is intimidating for my son and that it only makes him fearful. I said we can repeat to him what he should be doing, but we shouldn’t stand over him. The narc refused to respect my request. He just kept doing it.

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    1. Paula, thanks for dropping by and commenting. You and your son are lucky you saw the signs and got out when you did. Smart lady!

      There is a way to teach a child that doesn’t cause emotional scars, at 5 yrs old I’m almost surprised he didn’t start wetting his pants just because he didn’t want to endure the lecturing.

      My ex’s son came to live with us, he was 14 at the time and did have an attitude; his mom sent him to us because he wasn’t listening to her at all.

      After an initial “breaking in” period where my ex played the role of super dad I was basically the one dealing with the boy. We were making great progress, he wasn’t on any drugs for ADD and wasn’t self medicating, his aunt had been for supper and had a good talk with him and he was being really helpful around the house etc.

      I bought a bunch of “Way to Go”, “Nice Job!” “Gee Thanks” type cards that I tucked in his lunch or slid under his door and he was really motivated to keep trying. I was telling his father how great his son was doing and my ex wouldn’t give the kid an inch. Not one word of praise or encouragement. The boy stacked a bunch of fire wood and his dad came home from work and threw a fit, saying he’d done it all wrong. My ex ripped it all apart yelling that now he had to redo it the right way, can’t the kid do anything right, yada yada yada. The kid was just crushed you could tell¤ I just said, “Don’t worry honey, I can’t do anything right either”.

      I ended up shipping his son back to the mother when the boy ate his dad’s double chocolate donut, (that we both heard his dad tell him to eat) and my ex punched him in the shoulder and called him a “fu$« ing pig”. The kid ran to the neighbours and called the police. The boy and I told them the same thing and I over heard my x lying his face off.

      You have no idea how much grief you saved yourself and your son!!

      There is no pleasing them.

      I’m glad for you that you are free of him.

      Have a great day and hug your son for me:)
      Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Virgin Mobile.

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  2. Yes they can be so charming on their own, but when children enter the picture you see what they are really like. My husband (of 37 yrs) divorced me thinking he could get “what he needed” from some chick a year younger than his oldest daughter. She opted to stay with her husband and now he is back. I do love the man but will never trust him again (it was a 5 yr secret affair). I have forgiven but can’t forget. We date but he goes “home” to his place and I to mine. For now that’s fine, but in the future I would like more…

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    1. I went back to JC many times and actually it was during the times that we lived apart that he treated me the best.

      But once the trust is broken it is very hard to trust again and JC didn’t try very hard to earn it back. He made all kinds of promises but didn’t keep any of them.

      With a narcissist the best way to get them to treat you half decently is to keep them at arms length but how does a relationship grow that way? Life with a narcissist is constantly a game of strategy, never relaxed open honest love; you can never let your guard down.

      Has he been to counseling, have you gone together? I think it is of utmost importance that you have help from a professional if it is to ever work out. He has to understand your pain from the betrayal and he has to want to prove he can be trusted-long term.

      Narcissist’s want to say “I’m sorry” and have everything go back to status quo. It just doesn’t work that way. He lied to you for 5 years, that doesn’t just heal over night.

      I wish you luck; I wish I could say something positive to encourage you but from my experience I have never heard of a narcissist changing that much. They will put on a good show until they get bored and find someone else or they suck you back in and then the abuse is worse than it ever was.

      Hugs (((((((((KL))))))))) I hope you find happiness and please don’t hesitate to contact me if you need to talk. I care.

      Carrie

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  3. Thanks Carrie! Yes we have been to counseling but it didn’t do any good. He went with his first wife as well and that didn’t do any good either. He is just wrapped up in his own world. You are right about keeping them at arms length, that’s when he pursues me the most but heck I’,m getting too old for silly games. But it is what it is and I look at it as an opportunity to grow in this lifetime and spiritually evolve a bit more. The thing is he is 71 so at some point he is going to have to stop the games or be unbearably lonely. I have friends because I don’t manipulate people; however he is going to be a lonely old man. The kids have seen how he is and they have no relationship to speak of. So sad.

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    1. It is sad. JC has never been able to maintain friendships. He comes on so personable and genuine and people automatically like him; it was one of the things I fell in love with. Its nice to be with someone who can make friends easily; we made a good couple in that way because it appeared we both like meeting people and making friends. But it wouldn’t take long before he had alienated them by doing something shitty; screwing them in a business deal usually or stealing from them. It got to the point people would say, “We like you but that sob is not welcome here”.

      I eventually just made my own friends because I felt I had to choose to either be an accomplice in his deception or be a true friend and warn them about him.

      Its amazing to me a person can be so self absorbed and focused on immediate gratification that they totally miss the fact they in the long run they are hurting themselves. JC is so talented and has always been able to get a job at the drop of a hat but its getting harder and harder because he burns his bridges and doesn’t have any good references. How many times can you be falsely accused of stealing and have anyone believe you?

      At 71 change isn’t too likely; I have heard that a narcissist either ends up a miserable lonely bitter hermit that dies alone or he has someone who loves him enough they’ve stuck it out.

      I had a sweet lady that lived next door to jc and I who always checked on me if she didn’t see me for a day for fear JC would have hurt or killed me. She was caring for her dying husband. She always encouraged me to leave JC and then she told me about her marriage. He would disappear for days, even one time for over a year and then walk in at dinner like nothing had happened.

      She had to live her own life, raised the kids on her own, bought a house on her own and eventually refused to take him in any more. She still loved him and was committed to him but they kept separate residences until he got cancer and she moved him in with her. I cried when she told me that he had never gotten her gifts, not one Christmas present ever. But the first Christmas after he died there was a present from him under the tree; it was her favorite perfume. He had given their daughter money and asked her to please go and buy her mom’s favorite perfume for him to give her for Christmas but he didn’t live long enough to give it himself.

      I still cry thinking about it. It was so bitter sweet, she had a developed a tough exterior over the years but I could see how deeply it touched her. It was like that perfume made up for all those years of neglect but she wanted so much more for me.

      Its just sad no other way of saying it.

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  4. Carrie,

    I find myself in the position of either a) being with yet another narcisist or b) being so paranoid that I am in the same relationship that I may very well wreck the whole thing. Been there? It’s not a fun place to be. Very unsure.

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    1. Jessica, I haven’t been there yet, but I have often wondered if I would pick up on the signs or if I will be too paranoid to ever love again. I hope I am not so scarred that I never love again because I believe in love.

      I see my mistakes with JC and hope if I ever meet a man and feel myself falling in love I’ll remember to take it slow. I hope I’ll remember that real love takes time and there’s no need to rush and not allow myself to be manipulated into giving up my independence.

      I think I will be very protective of my independence and if a man loves me he will have to understand that. I think we are all a product of our past experiences and I think we need to value those experiences and not deny them. I didn’t ask for the abuse I received from JC, I didn’t deserve it; neither did you or anyone else deserve to be treated badly but it happened and to deny it and feel we have to bury it means once again we are accepting we are damaged and there is something wrong with us.

      But that said; I am so far from being ready to date again I can’t imagine ever even kissing someone else so it’s easy for me to spout off and be strong.

      Jessica, without knowing any details I would say if you feel your are in a narcissistic relationship you probably are. A healthy relationship wouldn’t give you those red flags no matter how paranoid you are.

      With JC I had alarm bells and red flags and I ignored them because I thought I was being paranoid and just afraid to let a man get too close. I should have listened to my instincts.

      Listen to yours; don’t second guess yourself. You are intelligent, caring, attractive and deserve the best

      Please let me know how you’re doing ok? Carrie

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  5. its seems that my narcissist would do these three steps over and over the whole relationship. i think the women didn’t want him or wasn’t gonna be his mule. its a shame i didn’t run across this information years ago. i was with my nightmare for 8 years. i would always want to leave and he would get my grandmother to vouch for him. that is until she saw how he was. but when i would tell her i’m leaving she still would encourage me to stick it out for the kids and saying i would need help. in the end he left me with over 1,000 dollars worth of bills he wasn’t paying and devastated . i still go threw the motions today. one min. i’m thinking logically about the situation, the next i’m thinking he probably will be happy with this new woman. it still hurts when i think of the good times. the bad times for some reason are so distorted i can’t remember them that good. just dealing with everyday things is hard for me, going out is a big fear for me . i’m afraid i may bump into them and won’t be able to control the tears or pain.

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    1. Justlost, oh how I can relate!! You are not alone!! It breaks my heart every time I hear another woman voicing the exact kind of pain I’ve gone through. It’s so unfair and people who haven’t been through it can’t possibly understand. Sharing your story here might help some other woman before it’s too late.

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting.

      I did it for 10 yrs always going through the phases over and over; mind you the good times got shorter and the bad times got worse every time. He would try everything under the sun to get me back; the last time he said he had been given 6 months to live. I always believed his tearful apologies. Why would someone go to such extremes to get someone back if he didn’t love them? I thought the last time he really meant it but the abuse was worse than ever, his cheating more blatant, and his cruelty beyond human. Then he left me without a dime, 10,000 in debt and no where to go. It’s been a year and 1/2 and I am still not over him but as time goes on I have fewer days where I am a basket case.

      I too dread that I might see them together. I torture myself by checking his FB; I know I shouldn’t and I know he puts things up knowing I will see it. He even told me once after we were split that I drove his ex nuts. I asked why. He said because he was so happy with me. I said, “You were? Coulda fooled me!”

      I know he probably told her how great everything was between us when in actual fact I thought he hated me, he was hitting me and down right miserable to be around.

      You can rest assured they don’t change, we didn’t make them that way and no one can cure them. They put on a good show but we don’t see what goes on behind closed doors but we know, don’t we?

      Hold your head up high, you are a survivor and you know something she doesn’t; how truly evil he is.

      All the best to you justlost, I hope you find peace, love and safety in the future.

      Drop by and let me know how you are doing, I care.

      Hugs
      Carrie
      Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Virgin Mobile.

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    1. At first, the person with NPD may claim to miss you but that’s just because they lost and got their ego bruised. It doesn’t take long for the NPD to find another supply source and the memory of you is lost completely. It’s a tough one to swallow but narcissists never looked at you as a feeling person in the first place. They surely aren’t going to be bothered by missing you. 😦

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      1. I’m afraid you’re right Paula. It is really hard for a caring person to grasp the concept of not having feelings but a narcissist doesn’t feel anything but negative emotions, jealousy, rage, and anger.

        Thanks for commenting Paula.

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    2. Sorry Joe, no they don’t; not like you or I would. They may stock their ex, cry and beg them back, say they miss them, but it is a game to them. They may instigate the breakup and then blame the ex for leaving them.

      They don’t want you to leave before they are ready(have another victim hooked) so if you leave before they are ready they may act like they miss you terribly, but it’s just them wanting to control the situation and you. A narcissist can’t stand to be alone; they need constant attention even if it is negative attention. Even after they have another victim they may keep coming back just to: – see if they can – to make the new victim jealous – to hurt you one more time for the fun of it – because you have something they want – to make you pay for loving them because to them that is weakness and deserves to be punished. – the new supply is withholding affection, got angry with them or displeased them in some way. – most narcissists need more attention than one person can give them so if they can get it from you and the new supply that’s fine with them but if they can’t get it from you then they will go elsewhere; it really doesn’t matter to them. – to destroy you before they move on.

      The hardest part to accept about a narcissist is; they don’t feel emotions like normal people. Any emotion “love” you saw coming from them was an act. They watch other people and imitate their emotions; that’s why some times you might have noticed that they had inappropriate emotions for a situation or no emotions at all when a normal person would have reacted. It’s because they didn’t know how to react because they didn’t have any feelings.

      They want you to be devastated they are gone and if you appear to be moving on with your life ie: start dating someone new they may come back saying they can’t live without you just to break up your new relationship and break your heart again.

      Every time you go back the abuse is worse and the devastation greater.

      The thing you have to be very aware of is that some books or websites on narcissists will say that they never apologize and never miss you. That is the truth but just because they don’t feel it doesn’t mean they won’t say it. When JC and I were together he would never admit fault; I was always too sensitive, too suspicious, too angry, or he only did it because of something I did to make him do it; like he shouldn’t have let me get him to the point of hitting me he should have had better control. See? Its still my fault. Then we split and he came to me in tears admitting to everything he had ever done wrong and taking full responsibility for his action. I thought he must really be sorry and have seen the light because why would he admit to everything if he didn’t mean it? They don’t care what they admit to or promise because later they will just deny it anyway.

      So on that note; they will say they miss you; but they don’t, they can’t because they don’t have the capacity to love, miss, regret, or feel guilt.

      Thanks for stopping by Joe please come back again.

      Carrie

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      1. Oh god … This is the hardest thing i have ever dealt with… Seeing pics of my narc husband with another woman that she puts on FB… She is a mean person, spoke to me just horribly … Please god, hurry up and let his true colors show!!! Does this hurt like hell forever or will i ever feel truly better again ???

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        1. It does get better! Believe me but it takes a long time. Unfortunately they take such great pleasure in rubbing your nose in “how happy they are with the new woman”. She is no different or better than any of the other women he’s used and tossed aside. Her time will come in spades.

          You can bet that he has told her all kinds of lies about you and she is feeling very smug and special right now. Just try to hang in there and stay away from FB or block her and him on your FB so you don’t have to see it. I know its hard to do; we torture ourselves by looking. Of course she and him are going to project that they are so happy but behind closed doors we all know what is really going on. He hasn’t changed, its impossible for him to change; it is an act.

          Try to be proud of the fact that you are a survivor and tell yourself, “her time is coming”.

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          1. Oh thank u …. I feel so horrible about all this … I am a good person and honestly, its like the two of them want to destroy me emotionally … Why so damn mean ? Hasnt he done enough ?? When does the cruelty stop ??? Of course, she told me “oh i know all about u, u r a psycho ” !!!!! What a mean woman …. She will be on the receiving end of this soon enough i imagine. Thank u so much for ur important words … I try to b strong every damn day.. Its hard!!

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            1. Carrie,
              Yes, i changed my phone numbers and deleted my email accts, cause i just cannot take anymore. Two months ago i confronted him and really gave it to him for just leaving me a year ago and refusing to spesk to me! Then, 2 montgs ago he wants to see me, had lunch, he loves me, we had such grest times, blah blah blah…welll a week later his gf sends me a friend request on FB… Had no idea about her and there were oimpics of them! I was shocked…she deniex doing it, said her friend had her passwird !! Right, well, when i confrontex him with all hes done to me, i finished it off with a big slap across his face …god did he deserve it !!! And we r not even divorced yet !!! If he ever shows up at my house, i will shut tgmhe door in his face…thanks for listeming …

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              1. I don’t know why but it seems they always come back for a “curtain call” saying how much they love you and miss you and then kick the stool out from under you again. Just an ego boost? Just to see if they can? To shake up the new g/f? Who knows. But they are damn good actors. Good for you for giving him a slap across the face. Its something I’ve wanted to do to my ex and was too afraid he’d kill me.

                Just be careful, because they don’t have a conscience and tend to be sneaky and conniving it is not unusual for them to murder their ex’s. I don’t want to worry you I just want you to be aware and not underestimate the depth of evil you are dealing with.

                Take good care and thanks for stopping by.

                Carrie

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            2. Puppy, I don’t know why they feel they must destroy the woman they are with. I gave up trying to figure out why he does the things he does because a normal person can’t possibly think like them. They don’t have a conscience. As far as I can figure they think the only way they can feel good about themselves is to destroy the good in you.

              I don’t doubt that the woman my ex is with now is a very good loving caring woman who believes I am a psycho bitch that tried to ruin JC’s life. I am sure she is thinking she is special and her love is going to save him and he is going to be so appreciative of how much she loves him and is different than me.

              The poor woman has no idea what she is dealing with. I go from hating her to feeling sorry for her.

              My ex unwittingly gave me an insight into what is going on. After we split one of his ex’s died and he came over and told me how bad he felt and was crying; I knew it was all a show. Then he said the strangest thing, he said, “She sure hated you.” I asked why she didn’t even know me. He said, “because I was so happy with you and we lasted 10 yrs. She never thought it would last.” I said, “You were happy?” He said, “Well yeah”. I said, “Coulda fooled me”.

              So I know what he was projecting to her was totally different than what was going on behind closed doors.

              They never want to be wrong so they have to make everyone including you believe it was your fault and with the right woman he is so happy. It is all an act.

              I talk a good talk but it’s been a year and w/2 and I still have my bad days. But it IS getting better and it will for you also.

              Drop by anytime you need a reminder that you are a good person! I’m here.

              Carrie

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              1. Carrie,
                Thank u so much…i cry a lot cause the depth of my pain is very great. Also, to make matters worse, i was told by his atty last year that his kids & family threatened him, wanted him all to thselves, adult kids. He caved in to them … I am better, i can work now, but far from healed. I pray to god to help get past all this shit…. It is truly soul crushing…made me so physicall last year i was in hosp for 6 days…broken heart. Dont worry, he is not a violent person & i wont see him again!! Thank u, thank u for caring and helping me deal ..

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                1. Any time you need an ear to listen I am here. Only someone who has been there can understand.

                  I didn’t think my ex was violent either; until he had my throat in his hands and choked me until I passed out and the brake lines were cut on my vehicle. Just be careful. No contact is the best way; good for you!

                  You WILL survive and you WILL thrive, and he will always be an evil, empty, shell of a person who can never know the feeling of truly caring for someone. You are SO much stronger and better than him. You care, are kind, loving, trusting, have ethics and morals, all things he can only imitate.

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  6. I must say my story is indeed a beautiful nightmare. This woman i was in love with ever since I was child devastated me to death. This woman meant the world to me, there wasn’t another woman on earth that could take me from her and she know that as well. At first everything was beautiful she was smart and funny but I noticed she was acting funny when her bills came around. She would
    cry and complain about how nobody helps her and then blame me for her bills
    and if

    lp

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  7. The woman I loved was sick she would tell me all iam is a comfort and the only good quality I had was sex and that she was a successful black woman who needs a man to take care of all her bills so I did and I wasn’t even living with at the time. I would give her 1400 hundred dollars and she would say that’s nothing its just change. Guys if anybody’s there please tell me what would u do.

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  8. Truly I miss my family. My daughter is just a baby and her is sooooooo controlling over her and everything I do for her. If I buy some clothes for my daughter at Target or Walmart she’ll say why are buying stuff from there for? But when she dose it, she says look what brought for the baby at Walmart and Target as if she didn’t remember how she treated me when went shopping there for my daughter. The point is I want her to miss me and love me and be a family with my daughter but I know that will never happen. Its been a year since I seen my daughter and still send my daughter my love by send cards clothes and toy and pictures of me but her says that’s not good enough from and wants to get me for child support and all I did for this woman and my daughter mind you stolen my 55 inch T.V. and

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    1. I am so sorry to hear that Joe, I am sure it is very hard for you to be away from your daughter.

      I don’t know if your ex is a narcissist or just a bitch.

      My advice to you would be to speak to a lawyer and get it all in writing and legal.

      Agree to child support and then if she won’t let you see your child you have a leg to stand on in the eyes of the law. Stop buying the clothes etc, to a judge that is not the same as child support (I know you want to buy her things| its natural but if you can’t afford both child support and gifts then the child support has to come first).

      Pay your child support and nothing more. If you have extra money put it aside for your daughter and when she is old enough you can help her buy her first car or get an education.

      I know it doesn’t help your situation now and you miss your daughter NOW but if this woman is a narcissist you are never going to be able to reason with her or please her so you are best to go by the letter of the law. I know lawyers are expensive and I know dad’s get the shitty end of the stick in most cases like this. I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

      I assure you though that your daughter will realize the truth down the road and she will want to know her dad some day. Be there when she does because by the sounds of it she is going to need you.

      If anyone else has any suggestions for Joe please add a comment. I don’t know what else he can do.

      The best of luck to you Joe.
      Carrie
      Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Virgin Mobile.

      Like

  9. I am so sad. I have spent the last 2 and a half years with a man that i love very much. the first year was mostly great. Into the second year he started acting a bit different. Eventually, I found his phone littered with texts to and from another woman. I confronted him and he lied. On an epic level he lied. the lies were completely ridiculous but he would fully commit 100% to each lie. I figured out that it was a woman that lives about a block away that i have to see every day. i dont know her. After he confessed only to the fact that it was her, he made up some ridiculous lie about what it was about (which i knew was bogus, but i was willing and wanting to work on things and try to move past it). He has never told me the truth about the situation. Even when she started texting me anonymously, when i showed them to him, he got mad that I would bring such “bullsh#$t” to him. There have been so many things that he has done that proved that he has betrayed me over the year since everything happened. Every time, I try to have hope. It is so confusing when he lies so easily about everything. He turn everything around on me. He has increasingly become cruel and called me stupid and told me that i am making him hate me and he has said so much worse. We live together. We are raising dogs together. I feel like the lies are so plentiful and he makes me feel so worthless has me completely confused about everything. He gets mad and says I am interrogate him if I ask if he had lunch. He says I have a bad attitude if ask him to be nicer to me. He tells me to stop being so argumentative if I defend myself against the horrible and untrue things he says about me. He told me that what I have done to him is so much worse than anything he has done to me (i have struggled and tried to trust him..even though he has done little to deserve it. the fact that I dont trust him 100% and that I have ever expected him to be honest to me when I know he is lying…these are things i have “done” to him). I have never cheated on him or been disloyal in anyway. He thinks I treat him badly, which blows my mind bc I actually treat him like a king. I have found a card from her. Recently a love note from her..I dont know how old the note is, but the fact that she is professing her love for him broke my heart seeing as he told me he didnt care about her. She follows us around the neighborhood and sent pizzas to the door with his number attached. the texts she has written to me are just cruel. He doesnt understand why I would get upset about these things and gets mad at me. He tells me she is a non factor in is life so i shouldnt be upset.He tells me to get out of his life and he wants peace. When I say “do you want me to leave and get out of your life”, he backtracks and says “if you cant be cool”. This just leaves me even more confused, bc half the time I was cool before he made a huge deal out of whatever he thinks I have done wrong. I am fairly certain he is still seeing this horribly cruel woman. Deep down, I know that when I leave they will probably be together. More importantly, I know that her smugness will dissipate when she REALLY gets to know who he really is. Small comfort. I never thought I would ever put up with a man like this. I never thought I would let someone make me feel so bad about myself and blame things on me, when he has repeatedly hurt me (albeit lied about it, so i am just supposed to ignore the obvious facts). I cry almost everyday. My self-confidence is nil. He makes me feel like I am a horrible bitch who is always doing things wrong. Deep down, I know that can’t be true….nobody can mess up as often as he accuses me. The most hurtful part is he really believes what he says about me. He really believes I am this horrible person that has made his life hell. Honestly, my heart still wants to have hope that he will be the man i fell in love with and he will understand how cruel he can be to me and fix it. The fact that he is increasingly talking to me as if I were a child and what he says goes….does not bode well for the future.
    I apologize for the lengthy post… I am just so lost and pathetic. I can barely stand myself. I dont talk about this with anyone bc nobody could understand. Perhaps you can. Thank you.

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    1. Heartbroken, oh how I can relate! please don’t apologize for the length of your comment, I am glad you had a place to let it out and not feel like you are going to be judged. No one can understand what you are going through except someone who has been there and I have been exactly where you are. If he wasn’t sweet and loving at least part of the time he knows you wouldn’t stay and he is right. They keep us on tender hooks with the push pull of withholding affection and then giving us just enough to pull us back in. They have an amazing ability to know exactly when we’ve had enough and are ready to walk and in the nick of time they throw on the charm, and we are so starved for affection and so happy they love us again we soak it up like a sponge and we certainly don’t want to say anything and ruin the moment.

      Talking to you like a child is a way of being superior and making you feel inferior, treating you like someone without the brains to take care of yourself; putting them in control. He doesn’t believe you are screwing up, it’s very hard but you have to realize this isn’t about you; it is about control, him controlling you/or any woman he can. It is all about control and the best way to control a person is by destroying their self confidence and keeping them off balance by keeping them on an emotional roller coaster. He hates intimacy, he wants to be loved, but to him love is idolization, ownership, control, because he doesn’t have a soul. He knows he is lacking and tries to fill the void by finding someone who is loving, kind, trusting, giving, and all the things he isn’t in hopes she will give him what he lacks but no one can do that for him so he begins to hate her for not giving him him the impossible. If he can’t have it he wants to destroy it so no one can have it.

      JC used to say he had personal ads because I drove him to it by being so suspicious, and if I trusted him he wouldn’t be unfaithful. I DID trust him 100% until he proved me wrong and every time I suspected something, even though he denied it vehemently, got angry, gave me the silent treatment, told me my suspicions were tearing us apart eventually I would find out the truth and it was usually worse than anything I had imagined. this is all typical N treatment and it is working, he is wearing you down so that you doubt yourself. He hates you for being all the things he isn’t and he is getting ready to leave. If he is telling people how horrible you are he is working on getting people’s sympathy before he leaves the relationship so he doesn’t look like the bad guy. It is NEVER his fault!!!

      Beware though, when he does leave you he will be back and admit to everything he ever did wrong, cry, beg, promise the world until you take him back. You will tell yourself that he must mean it, why would he bother to admit to everything? If he admits he was wrong then he must be changed. NOPE!!! don’t fall for it.

      I know this is so hard, but heartbroken; he is not going to change. His fairy Godmother isn’t going to come and twang him in the middle of the night; he is what he is and that is pathetic. like I have said before,the victim will heal, get strong again and go on to love again but a narcissist will always be pathetic coward and a loser. Be proud of who you are, you are a loving person deserving of respect,love and honesty. Two and half years seems like a life time but 2 years can quickly turn into 3 then 6 then 10 or 20 years and it only gets worse and you get more beaten down and eventually he WILL leave.

      Please keep in touch and any time you need to know you are not the crazy one come talk to me!

      Hugs!!!! Carrie

      Like

      1. Thank you. I did not notice until now that you responded to me. Thank you Thank you for the kind, supportive words. It is all juts so hard to wrap my mind around. He has confused me to the point that I don’t know which end is up. He is telling me he wants to be with me. He loves me/ calls me a few times a day, etc. I know he is still lying to me about everything. I am sure he is still seeing her even though he denies it. It is difficult to give up hope. I guess deep down I know i have to. Deep down i know that everything can’t be my fault and that what is has done is not right. It is juts so hard and makes no sense. It is a comfort to find your site and be able to find other people that understand. I don’t think anyone could truly understand unless they have been through it themselves. So thank you very much.

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