The 3 Phases of a Relationship With a Narcissist




So, you are wondering what the hell happened aren’t you? You thought you had met your soul mate and you were the luckiest person in the world. Of course in phase 1 you weren’t questioning your relationship, but like a switch going off everything changed, even if you can’t put your finger on it, something is very wrong. You entered phase 2, for a while you just chalked it up to him/her having a bad day, or maybe they are sick, maybe they have a brain tumor, or they’re having a nervous breakdown, it took a while before you started searching for answers about why the love of your life had turned on you.

I was into the relationship for over 5 years before I went looking for answers and even then, once I found Narcissist and my ex fit the description almost to a T and our relationship followed the same stages described on various websites, I still didn’t believe he could be unfaithful or would discard me so callously. I believed everyone has good in them and I had seen the good side and if I loved him well enough I could bring that good side out again.

It is almost impossible to get your head around the notion they could ever just toss you aside with nothing and not look back. If anything; while you are reeling in pain from the relationship ending he’ll take the opportunity to give you a kick in the guts a few times for good measure and make sure you and every one who knows you knows it is all your fault.

If you are in phase 2 and think you are hurt and confused please believe me it is nothing compared to the excruciating pain of phase 3. You would be doing yourself a HUGE favor to get out now.

I tend to talk in terms of the narcissist being a male but female narcissists exist and are just as destructive and ……. well………evil. The phases of the relationship are the same whether the narcissist is male or female.

The Phases of Loving a Narcissist



During this phase a narcissist is very loving and is on his/ her best behavior. A narcissist can be extremely charming and loving, which often makes a person fall head over heels in love with them or feel they would be crazy to not love them. In the beginning I felt my ex cared for me more than I cared for him but I had never been loved like that in my life and that is very hard to walk away from. I was perfect in his eyes, to quote him, “Don’t ever change, I love you just the way you are.”

If a narcissist is cheating on his or her present partner with a new lover, it is often more due to the actions of the narcissist than the lover that the relationship started in a first place. While pursuing a new lover, a narcissist is often claiming that he is very unhappy in his/her current relationship, the woman takes him for granted, abuses his good nature and he is carrying the load financially, in the home and emotionally. He will say he has tried and tried and done his grieving of the relationship long ago. He has had to stay because he’s afraid she’ll try to kill herself if he leaves, or she just won’t accept that its over. He is about to get a divorce/separate, has never felt as strongly towards anyone else as he or she is now feeling towards the new lover, etc. If you are the married one he will become your best friend and perhaps even befriend your husband, he will point out how your husband takes you for granted, tell you he wishes he had a woman like you, he will be your perfect match, totally into you, always so happy to see you, wanting to know all about you, your hopes and dreams, you will feel attractive, appreciated, it will be exciting, his romantic gestures will take your breath away, the love-making like nothing you have ever experienced before, you will feel like the sexiest most desirable woman on earth. You will feel you must have this man in your life, you can face anything as long as he has you in his arms. It is intoxicating, you can not believe your good fortune to meet this wonderful man and he loves YOU. A narcissist knows how to say all the right things to make the other person fall hard. The victim often times gives up a perfectly good marriage, moves to be with the narcissist leaving their support network, friends and family behind. They give up an excellent job, invest with the narcissist and are blinded by love; willing to do anything to be with the “love of their life” believing what the narcissist is telling them, that they are soul mates and they have the kind of love fantasies and movies are made of.

Unfortunately this “honeymoon” period never lasts for long. Once the narcissist feels the victim is fully committed they soon grows bored and restless and starts to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply. This is when a narcissist enters the devaluation phase. This is when the victim begins to think that if they just love the narcissist well enough he will go back to the loving attentive man they met. What no one seems to realize is; the narcissist doesn’t get off on your love and admiration, he feeds off of your pain.



During this phase the behavior of a narcissist changes, he becomes cold and uncaring almost overnight. this is when the “mask drops” and you see the real person. The narcissist no longer tells you how much he or she loves you, but instead becomes increasingly critical towards you. Suddenly he/she finds all sorts of flaws in your behavior and possibly also in the way you look. You start to feel increasingly unhappy and depressed, because you have no idea what you have done to deserve to be treated this way. You try to “make him or her love you again”, however nothing you do seems to be good enough and what they want seems to change with the wind. He accuses you of things you aren’t thinking or doing, is controlling, twists your words, where once you could talk about anything calmly and rationally, now every thing turns into a fight. He accuses you of being paranoid,  yet they are snooping through your phone and computer, (my ex even had a tracking device somewhere on my vehicle, I found a hidden camera and his sister found a wire running from the trailer to the barn that had a speaker on the end). They know they are out to destroy you, so assume you must be doing the same thing and want to make sure they get you before you get them.Whatever the narcissist accuses the victim of doing is more than likely what they are doing and worse.

A rule to remember; If their lips are moving, they are lying. They can look you right in the eye and tell you a lie, they can cry real tears and could get an academy award for their acting abilities.

They may be loving in public and then treat the soon-to-be-ex with disdain when they get home, yet expect the victim to stay loving and giving until the narcissist is firmly enmeshed in their new relationship. It is a very confusing time for the victim, one minute they are treated with disgust and the next the narcissist is loving, they are blamed for the problems in the relationship but anything they do to  mend the fences is never good enough. (I went years not knowing if we were broken up or a couple, he could tear me to shreds in the morning before he left for work and come home from work like nothing ever happened). The victim is accused of causing conflict, yet if they give in to the narcissist they are treated even worse.

You find yourself walking on eggshells for fear of sending him into a rage. Everything is your fault, you are paranoid, too sensitive, causing drama and you should know he hates drama. More than likely some addiction like obsessively watching porn has surfaced or he forces you to perform sex acts you aren’t comfortable with, the great sex you once had is a distant memory unless he is trying to win you over after a really bad fight. Female narcissist often use sex as a weapon, withholding or seducing to manipulate the man. Speaking of which they have an uncanny ability to sense when you have had enough and are ready to leave and will turn back into the sweet, appreciative, loving partner you fell in love with just long enough to reel you back in.

During this phase a narcissist may start to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply and may end up cheating or having an affair, however still keeping the current spouse hooked, just in case the new relationship does not work out the way the narcissist is hoping. The narcissist gets a huge ego boost from thinking that two people (the current spouse and the secret lover) are “madly in love” with them.  Plus they get off on being able to pull something off right under the victim’s nose. The narcissist will fly into a rage that you could possibly think he would ever cheat on you and turn the tables so you end up apologizing for accusing them or for some other crime you committed months or years ago. Their crimes are brushed under the carpet while yours are always brought up and never forgiven, even crimes you didn’t commit or even think about committing. (my ex said he screwed around because I could have taken a different man home every night. I said, Key word is “could” have, I didn’t)

They often play one against the other creating triangulation, and then sit back and watch the show. Nothing feeds the ego like having two lovers vying for your affections; doing the “pick me” dance.  Often times they will leave evidence of their cheating around for you to find because your pain serves up such delicious narcissistic supply.

level headed


During the discarding phase the narcissist becomes totally indifferent to the needs or pain of the victim.  Once the victim is no longer useful to the N they discard them like yesterday’s garbage. When a narcissist reaches this phase, there is no chance to reason with a narcissist.

Many victims will say that the discard “came out of the blue” everything was fine and then the narcissist sent an email saying it was over, or the victim is thrown out of the house with nothing, and the narcissist is immediately involved with “the love of their life” and the victim is a psycho bitch or abusive asshole. But when you talk to the victim it comes out that there were signs but the narcissist denied their suspicions, accused them of not loving them enough, made them feel if they only did this……… or that………… things would go back to the way they were. There had been abuse but the victim had just gotten so used to the N being hot and cold, the discord had just become “the way they were” and they believed the narcissist would never truly leave them. Then the victim discovers the narcissist was planning their exit for a long time, has been slandering the victim behind their back, hiding money, and has the victim’s replacement lined up.

Once the narcissist drains his supply, the supply refuses to comply with his demands or the N finds better supply he is ready to move on and if they don’t have new supply lined up they set out to find a new source of NS. At this point he is obvious in his infidelity, short tempered and generally acts as if he hates sharing his air with you. The narcissist picks their love interest by what they have to offer, it might have been a roof over their head, the reputation of the victim, perhaps to advance their career, a parent for their child, status in the community, or something as simply as sex.

If you try to beg a narcissist to get back together with you, you are only feeding their ego and providing him or her with a transient source of a narcissistic supply. The narcissist wants you devastated at the thought of losing them and most victims ends up drained, confused, with their confidence and self-esteem in shreds. A feeling of doom pervades everything in their life and many suffer from PTSD. There is no way to have an amicable split from a narcissist. When a narcissist is done with you he is not happy to just walk away, he wants to destroy you and your reputation. He will turn your friends and your own family against you. If you have children he will turn them against you, he will even go so far as to try to get you fired, arrested on trumped-up charges, victims have even been committed to mental institutions because of the vicious actions of a narcissist.

Out of loyalty the victim didn’t talk behind the narcissist’s back so no one believes them when they try to explain what went on in the relationship. The narcissist has already told everyone who will listen that the victim is a paranoid psychopath who has made their life hell, so anything the victim says is taken as being vindictive and they are the psycho liar the N claims them to be. The narcissist must win, and that means they must take everything from the victim, leaving them with nothing to rebuild their lives. In their minds if you are of no use to them you are worthless. It is at this point the narcissist will have no qualms about killing you and the victim should be very careful (there is a free safety plan download at the top of the blog).

He/she will take great pleasure in rubbing your nose in his new relationship and blame you for the relationship failing. He will say how he has met the love of his life, she is calm and rational, they are soul mates and the new man or woman will be smug about how special they are. They will taunt you to kill yourself, accuse you to your face of doing exactly what they did to you, twist the facts to make themselves look the victim, they will never admit to any fault in the relationship and the victim ends up friendless with no support system because the narcissist carefully planned his/her exit and will just deny deny deny any of the victim’s claims of abuse. It is the victim’s worst nightmare, like they stepped into the twilight zone and are helpless against the vindictiveness of the narc. After all who can believe anyone can be that cruel and conniving. That is why only someone who has been there can understand and believe the victim.

THEN, just when you are starting to heal and get your legs under you he will pop back into your life, professing his love, tears and all, apologizing for everything he ever did and you believe your prayers have been answered, the man you fell in love with is back and you fall lovingly into his arms. The arms of the devil. As he holds you telling you how much he loves you and how sorry he is, he is secretly laughing and giving himself a pat on the back for being so clever and irresistible, and planning how he will punish you for being so stupid as to believe him. In his mind you deserve to be punished for your gullibility and he feels superior to have that kind of control over you. The cycle begins again only much worse this time.

If you found this article helpful you will probably find the following posts of interest also.

3,000 thoughts on “The 3 Phases of a Relationship With a Narcissist

  1. Louise91

    Oh my god it sounds exactly like me ex. I was with him for two years. Last week I had a Facebook message off a girl saying to me that her best friend is seeing my ex but something seems off because she seems depressed. I asked her how long he has been going out with her and it turns out its been a year. So he had two relationships going on at the same time! he always used to tell me that he was doing night shifts when really he was seeing her. He also told her that I was the one who treated him badly and cheated on him with his best friend which never happened. I am now friends with the girl and have found out so many bad things that he has done to her.. He had also cheated on us with another girl! Its sickening. He is still trying to lie himself out of it saying I am evil and trying to split them up but I have evidence otherwise. I actually pity him. His true colour are now out in the open. The girl has informed his family as she believe he really needs help. I have told her there’s nothing we can do. He’s a narcissist and there is no changing them. It will take me a very long time to ever trust a man again


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Louise91, to count on trusting again keeps you in the role of victim. It was not that you did anything wrong or somehow attracted the narcissist but you do have the power to protect yourself and not be the victim of any narcissist again.
      To rely on “trust” will not protect you because a narcissist morphs into your dream man in order to hook you. He can appear to be the most honest trustworthy guy on earth who is madly in love with you. They never let their true colors show until they have you firmly hooked and then it is too late.
      You need to get in touch with your true core self and live with total honesty and true to your core values and boundaries. I thought I was until I met the narcissist and then when I left him I didn’t know who I was any more or have any clue how to put myself back together. I was so confused as to who I really was, what I could believe and just felt broken.
      I slowly took each piece of me, examined it, decided if this was really me, did I want to keep being this way, what I wanted to change, what was never mine to pack, shit I was told about myself my whole life that was never mine to own. I put myself back together only accepting the parts that felt comfortable. I no longer am a neat freak, I no longer feel insecure if my house isn’t perfect, I no longer care if every one likes me and I only speak the truth and if someone doesn’t like it, oh well. I do nothing because I feel pressured to do it and listen to my gut all the time.
      If you live true to your gut instincts you can’t ever be made to feel unworthy or less than.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. David

    My ex-wife did almost all of this to me it’s been almost 6 months since I left she controlled me our entire relationship… actually the moment she new I was committed to her. That was when things started changing and she became extremely controlling, 16 years being controlled and she cheated on me got busted and still denies it, she spent months telling our friends I was cruel to her etc before she got busted without me knowing she was doing this behind my back, all I ever did was show love and affection our entire relationship doing everything she wanted me to do. Then she became colder than the ice age she crushed me and looked at me in disgust when she broke my heart she showed no sympathy she could however cry on command and shut it off as soon as she got what she wanted I always thought that was weird but she was able to manipulate me that way by making me feel like a bad husband if I didn’t do everything she wanted when she wanted. Love is blind I never seen this until it was over and looking back in hindsight. She has even tried manipulating our son but the problem is for her that everything she is trying to push on him he knows are lies because he was always there and seen how I treated her like a queen our entire relationship. So she shuts down her crocodile tears the moment he says that’s not how things were. Everyone else we were mutually friends with she no longer talks to as well, I guess once she got busted she decided to block and cut them out of her life as well. It’s heart breaking and I have had a very difficult time adjusting because I truly loved her. But the more and more I read up on narcissists I’m getting more closure that I’m better off. Thank you for sharing your stories it. Helps alot.and I’m sorry you have had to go through this as well it’s not something I would wish on my worst enemy.


    1. jb

      Kids reach a cognitive age around 7, I think Narcs seem to sense this and thus adapt their behavior to more covert tactics. I watched my partner morph onto a different person right around that age; same cruel person but more covert.. almost like a natural evolution, built in instinct.


    2. zarmina

      I am the victim of narcissist , his name Mahmoud damage , toxic and torture me that no human could have done to a god creature. restraining order, put me in jail for a week did not tell my family where i was. , but he has fun with new supply who she also married. I am going trough bad divorce with no money and his new supply divorcing her husband too and he is having fun. where is god for these sick and crazy people. I am still suffering by all his abusive action verbal and physical. but no justice , he paid the lawyer $ 13000 to kicked me out of the house by police and put me in jail . I am going through hard time any help will be appreciate , he and new supply are evil , he does not care he wanted see me dead . my divorce will be finalized in May 2018. he is a murder , he did all behind my back and recorded all my voice during manipulation to take it to the lawyer. after my 25 years of marriage. , his lover name Zarmina olomi. I pray everyday to get punished by god and go through the same pain I went. I was extremely a great woman and caring mother, but he never ever respect or value me.i feel very sorry for my daughter who had been seen all his abuses, toxic hurtful and heard all nasty words during her life. live with him.


      1. donewiththedevil

        I had just asked my spouse for a separation before my met my x narcissist. He knew I was trying to get on my feet and live single again, and he took advantage of me. These people most times fake like they believe in God, so telling them that it is evil what they do, will just make them laugh. My narcissist was actually 11 years younger them (go figure) and knew it was my first time being with someone that younger than me, yet he still managed to ruin me with his deep evil for almost a year. I pray for your strength. Try not to think of him much because that is how they keep their spiritual chord on you.


  3. Laura Maciejko

    This is happening to me right now. The most F***ED up part is I’m aware. I was since I met him. I couldn’t have written my story better. Yet I’m sitting here reading this crying as he snores next to me. He’s been gone for days cheating and idk why I feel like I need his love. He made himself needed. Little things from the start. Like if I was hot he would grab a fan to set in front of me. Or complimrnt me in ways I knew weren’t true. Like he knew they were my insecurities. I’m at an impasse now. Where in just sitting here watching it happen like I’m a spectator. Felt like I had to comment. Any advice would b lovely , but I probably won’t adhere.
    “I give myself very good advice. But i very seldom follow it” Alice in


    1. donewiththedevil

      please run like hell. I just got away from my narcissist, (I think) after a year of his abuse and emotional roller coaster. If you want to talk to someone who knows what you are going through and been through it recently, please respond.


  4. Ellie

    This article makes me feel better and worse. I finally lifted the facade and see him for what he always was. Now instead of everything being a mystery all his actions make sense. Whether he knew what he was doing or not, now I know there is nothing I could’ve ever done to help or fix him. Instead he slowly broke me and I’m no longer the person I was anymore. I know it’s a thought I shouldn’t have , but I find comfort In knowing that no matter who he goes off to get his new emotional supply from it will always end the same for him. No amount of love or sex will be able to fill the void he carries. And now I even pity him. He is so messed up in the head he will never be able to experience real love.


    1. Cynthia

      Maybe real love doesn’t make him happy. Maybe he is happy doing this to other people. Giving him pity only holds you back. Realize that thinking about him in ANY way is only going to hold you back. He will destroy you. That’s the only thing you need to know. Walk away and DO NOT look back until you stop missing him or having emotions for him COMPLETELY. At that time, you can see what you may have missed (in true hindsight). I mean this in the kindest way possible. You will die if you give him any more of your attention. You have a life to live. Don’t give your only control over to someone else. Don’t let him play God with your life. Take back your life and do something with it besides playing with death. Best,


  5. donewiththedevil

    Wow, My narcissist x was everything you say. He even was trying to learn how to tap my cell phone and get text from my cell, which I think he managed to some how, and twisted a phone call to sound like something else during his discard phase of me. I remember he made the rule of not talking about x or flirting with other people, but during the devalue stage he would says stuff like “I been with many women” or starting flirting with girls. Once he invited a girl to come our date, (a girl he liked). My narcissist came back twice and on the second time, he came to tell that I was right about him cheating and he was sorry and then 3 weeks later, he cheated on me again but this time didn’t tell me that his new girl had the key to his house and she came while I was there. He discarded me again, pretending not to be with me, and lying and saying I was buying drugs from him, which until then I didn’t even know he sold drugs. I remember the last time few times we had sex, he was trying to hurt me badly and make have sex in painful ways. He claimed it was how he did it to his x, (again breaking his rule to never talk about our x relationships). Once I decided to do to him what he was doing to me, and pick up a guy on our date, like he did to me and he exploded and said it was an outrage. He use to tell me he only dates older women, yet I found out two of the girls he cheated on me with was younger women. When I confronted him and told him I moved on as well, he made his goal to tell his new girl was alot younger than me. He actually got with a girl that was totally what he said he would never date when he was pursueing me. I believe I was with an extreme narcissist. During the devalue phase he even pursued other women while on dates with me and then blew them off, pissing them off and then letting me know, in hopes me and her would fight over him. He would walk away and stand back and look and see if were going to fight over him. During our last fight after he made out with me for a long time, just to tell me NO and then cheat on me the next day, insult me and physically abuse me. I asked why does he do this. He said cause he don’t care a crap and he laughed a devilish laugh and shut the door in my face. This is not in half of the devalue of me, he did. This all shocked me because this man was romantic, loving, caring, selfless and always claiming his undying love for me. He even said he use to be mean and cruel and he isn’t anyone, he is a changed man. He was only covering for any rumors I may here, since we live in an area where everybody knows everybody. Suddenly, I was nothing but a piece of mean, a crazy woman. When he first met me he claimed many women mistreated him, threw him out their house for nothing. He even brought me around family members who spoke for his kind nature. I realize after he had them fooled just like me. He lied about being off parole, he lied when he said he was clean of disease (he knew he had an uncurable disease) I didn’t get it though cause I kept protection and got cleared by a doctor after I finally broke the communication for good. He even kept it secret that he was in jail for violent crimes. He abused me so much verbally and physically, that I use to dream of just hitting him in the head with a rock, because that is how my heart felt from his constant abuse during the devalue phase. I had always been passifist, and his abuse got so bad, that for the first time I dreamed off just hitting him first, before he gets the chance to hurt me again. I am finally done grieving over the relationship after almost a year. Just the thought of him being near me again or his voice, makes me loose my breath, as if my life is in danger.


  6. Val

    I am in the process of dislodging my narcissistic boy friend, after a two year relationship. Everything I have read here, I have gone through, thank you for validating my thoughts and feelings. This man has tried to destroy my life in so many ways, all of which I have read on here. I still have 2 very good friends who have always believed in me, and have not been swayed by his lies, they have helped me see him for what he is. I have know he is a narcissist since 6 months into our relationship, so I tried to keep that in perspective, but he still drew me in, and broke my heart many times. My self esteem has suffered greatly and depression has been following me around, I don’t feel like leaving my house or seeing people at all any more. I stay in the spare bedroom, and he has his ass parked in the master bedroom, I try not to engage in any of his abusive behaviour, i’m getting pretty good at no contact in the same house. I am a strong woman, used to be stronger before him, but I will be strong once again.

    He always has excuses for all the low down nasty things he calls me, the accusations, all the demeaning shit he says to me and to his friends about me. They all think i’m totally whacked and insane, but at this point I really don’t care. I’m probably the most sane person he knows.

    I have asked him to move so many times, it’s not even funny anymore. But this is it, I will have the police involved this time if he refuses to move. I am so done with his sorry ass, I have to save myself now.

    I have 2 more weeks until he moves, if he doesn’t I will. I told him I gave notice, to my land lord, (his mother’s idea, if that tells you anything), and that I am moving across the country, just to get rid of him.


  7. Trashed

    Been with a narc for 6 years. I didn’t know what narcissist meant until it was pointed out to me a couple of years back. (Then I decided to research it to no end) I understand it takes 2 to tango but… So without details of my relationship, I’ve found a rental place for myself. I’m currently packing the few things I have to call my own. Now I can try to rebuild my life thats been sucked right out of me. (Emotionally and financially) I thought I used to be a confident man. Now I ponder why I’ve become such an idiot for believing a total fake and liar. Shame on me for not listening to all the red flags. I hopefully have learned a great lesson and won’t repeat!! Thanks for listening☺ hope I can find myself again.


  8. hlmoore3535

    I’m a month out of this almost identical situation and am ready to absolutely go crazy. I feel so worthless and lost and have lost what I though were the few friends I had. Probably because of his lies. I really would love to move away but as a single mom and a decent job it’s hard. I even have the proof of his cheating and he’s still lies about it I’m sure. I feel so lost and have no one.


  9. Flor0818

    This describes what I’m going thru . We had been together for 7 years close to 8. It has always been rocky . Break ups and make ups. We have a 5 year old . He would constantly talk to other girls but accused me of cheating . Constantly wanted to know everything I was doing or who i was talking to. He would blame me for everything. I cheated on him , and he found out . Of course always pointing the finger at me , but wouldn’t take responsibility for what he had been doing for years . To me him talking to other girls and getting pics it’s a form of cheating . We stayed together but eventually I left because I was being tortured, he would literally would bring up what I had done every day. I cut my friends off and family . One day I couldn’t take it and got my own place . I moved on dated one guy, but it didn’t work . I was happy on my own , he came back to my like and said we should give it another try for our daughter . I gave in, i know stupid of me . He moved in with me , things were going good, or so I thought . He suggested we get our place so we did. We had only been at the new place for about 3 months . He broke up with me and within 1 week he got a new place . He said he wasn’t happy , I didn’t appreciate him or show love to him. He wanted me to leave but I refused and stay put in the new apartment we had gotten together. He said he didn’t want to be with me . We been going back and forth he would come stay at my place but I started pushing for answers , and he didn’t like that so he no longer stays here . I go to his place and he doesn’t like what I say he tells me
    To leave . Everything has to be what he wants . Since I don’t backdown , now he saids every thing is my fault . Why it didn’t work out . He accuses me of talking to other people , and I’m not . Keep in mind it doesn’t really matter we aren’t together. If I ask him if he is , he saids it’s irrelevant but I have to answer his questions. Now the time he has stay here he goes thru my texts on my watch . And it’s just a roller coaster. It’s driving me crazy. He told me he regrets moving out but blames me for everything. I almost feel like he is trying to reassure him self that he made the right choice so he blames me
    For everything. I feel like he has guilt of whatever he is doing that he projects that on me . I don’t know what to do. And it kills me seeing my daughter in the middle . It’s always arguments, i feel like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I can’t speak of my feelings because he doesn’t want to deal with it. He literally just wants me when is convenient, when he wants a family . And I have days when I feel strong and the moment I show emotion he puts me down . I’m literally going crazy !



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